mich ...

you at least owe it to yourselves to try some of the advice that you've been given. as i've said ... you need to be proactive if anything is going to be accomplished.

the solutions have been given to you. if craig cannot or will not get help, then he needs to go back to england. this is not mentally fair on you or your child ... it's abuse. craig KNOWS he has a problem; you do not need to be his emotional punching bag. if he is willing to get help, that's wonderful and you should jump on and make an appt quickly.

focus on the issue at hand and do not stray ... his issue is that he does not want to be here. everything else can be worked on in time. these mental games in your marriage need to end. if he's not capable of doing that, then you need to stop responding to it and feeding his fire (so to speak).

I think I will look into the counceling thing this week guys and thanks. I also got a rather long and enlightening PM this morning and it had some really good points. I have said Daryl can come over whenever..have offered that, but we don't know that his mom would let him or not..he's just starting school again after having moved 200 miles from where they lived a couple/few months ago, so I'm sure that's probably not helping. I have cried myself thinking about Daryl and Craig, so please don't think I'm heartless on that issue. I also understand I haven't even begun! to feel it,as far as how Craig feels that. I've tried to put myself in his shoes(feelings wise) on that, but you just can't unless it's happened to you I guess...so I know it must be horrible. As I've stated here over and over, I just don't know! what to do about that. I just feel like we've gone through this whole big process and I thought the decison was made back then. I guess, quite honestly, I do feel some resentment as to why more thought wasn't put into it beforehand as to whether it could be 'done' or not.(emotionally I mean). I did tell Craig at the time(as I told Becca, not knowing the ins and outs and that it probably wasnt' too risky for someone from England at the time)that if he didn't get the visa, we would move. I believe there would have been a lot more going on to do that..but I was going to do that if he couldn't come here. My parents have had a lot of tradegy in their lives the last few years, and Corey has been about like an 8th child to them, not just a grandchild. We live 4 miles from them, I have been in this house for 10 years and they have always had him, since he was a baby while I worked..sometimes more 12/13 hour days when he was younger, and they have continued to have him while I worked, in the summers,etc..since he was born. It would totally break my heart for me to take him, as muchas they would miss me at least. Plus, maybe partially due to me NOT being married before and their close proximity I have always been very very close with them. I moved up here 10 years ago to get away from an abusive spouse and make a new start, so much of my family lives either 150 or 300 miles away; I am here. I chose this location because they retired here, and not that I had to be tied to their apron strings but I wanted somewhere far enough away,but where I knew someone. The small town my parents moved to was a logical decision at that time. Anyway...what does all this have to do with it I know? It doesnt change feelings! I know that..but Craig didn't have an established home when he lived here..he had had two long terma relationships in the past and lived with his girlfriends and when that fizzled, and then we got together, he moved in with his parents again; it was the best decision. I have a home, am in the middle of an accounting degree that I'm getting paid for due to my company moving oversees,etc. It's like I told Becca and some others...yes, I DO understand all that Craig gave up...as best as I can..but I also believe he moved here when we were just longing to be together and our relationship was pretty secure!! I don't feel that now, so just to take a leap and all the people that it would affect and not just me? I have to be more certain before I would consider that now. I'm sorry if that sounds selfish, but that's just the way I feel..and Daisy, if you want to PM me your number, I will take you up on that sometime this week. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow...but I will. and I appreciate the offer. I'm really sorry for what you're going through as well. I have given a lot for this relationship too, believe it or not, and I just don't feeling willing to give up everything! with it in this state. If that makes me selfish, so be it but I don't see it that way. In the future, we'll see. Becca, I know what you're saying and emotionally for you and for him...no it's no different for a 17 year old...you're right. So you are amazing to be willing to do that; however, I think your relationship is in a differernt place right now. Thanks for listening everyone. Michelle

Thank you for the support Gimy, but I don't think he's being abusive in ANY way. .. I honstly don't want him to get portrayed in that light at ALL...I'm frustrated beyond belief but so is he..I love my husband, I'm just upset by all of this and I'm sure he IS trying....this is hard on both of us, and I'm sure more so for Craig without his support around..his old support if you know what I mean..but you're right in one thing..it can't stay this way. I will be looking into options for us, and he will be returning home for a visit to the UK as soon as possible. It was always in the plan to go soon, we're just waiting on the money in a couple/three weeks and clearance from his job. If he decides while he's 'home' he can't do this, we'll move from there. But I think that's the first step for us right now, and I may go talk to someone myself if Craig doesn't want to come. I will also take Daisy up on that offer in the near future. Thanks again. M.

Sometimes, as much as we try to see things through others' eyes we can't. I realise this is a difficult situation, and no one here can offer much but suggestions and support. Healing any breach requires skill beyond our scope.

By the way, I was wondering if you realised that in the Glitter note you represented the family as Craig, Michelle and Corey. If Darryl's bond with Craig is that of a son, why was he not included?

DM..I don't know. sigh. It wasn't an intentional slight. I guess I don't even know why Corey was put on there, because his name isn't Connell. I can change it to just Craig & I I guess. I just thought Corey would get a kick out of it; he sees me on here; Daryl doesn't. He lives with his mom, her fiance and a little sister in England. I guess I just thought this was our little family. It doesn't mean I don't care; I have just had little contact with him and that wasn't my doing...we saw him once during my two week visit to England and I don't speak to him on the phone now...Craig goes in the other room and rings him..so I never felt I was that involved for different reasons like that. M.

Oh Mich. I'm so terribly sorry to read all of this. I think you're getting really good advice from the folks here, and there probably isn't much I can add to what has already been said.

But if I can help in anyway, you know I will. You can PM me anytime, even if its just to listen.

You must have some councellor options at the school you go to, even if it's just a vocational college...they can at least refer you.
You may also be able to find (though you have to look carefully) church based councellors...at the university I work at we have a number of extremely helpful and understanding people of faith to talk to - a rabbi and a jesuit priest in particular. They just listen and provide support. I don't have a particular religious belief and they are totally cool with that, like I said though you have to research these things because some church based councellors can be very preachy indeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed.

Internet forums such as this one are somewhat helpful, but in no way take the place of face to face contact with a qualified advisor/councellor/psychiatrist. Friends are great, but they tend to tell you want you want to hear not what you need to know in order to resolve the situation you are stuck in.

Thanks everyone and ((hugs)) Becca, I feel so much better, and you're right about a lot of things. M.

You know what's getting glossed over? The boy moved 200 miles away! Even if Craig went back home, Daryl isn't there!

It's not too practical to be 200 miles away.....they certainly wouldn't be seeing each other every day. So what options does Craig have anyways? He misses his home where he grew up, he misses Daryl...well, if he goes back to England, he can't have both...either he stays in his home town, or he moves where Daryl is.

There is no perfect answer...but 200 or 4000 miles away...it doesn't matter really....it's still 'away'

I agree Lisa and we've both thought of/mentioned that several times. Simple fact is, he would see him a LOT more in England..say, once every couple of weeks to a month(her folks still live in the town Craig's Mum & Dad do and they visit) instead of once a year..know what I mean? But you're right..it would be more difficult. More opportunities would present itself there..we have thought about the move that same way tho..M.

I have read this thread, from the beginning, but have not responded to it until now - for two reasons, really.
1. I don't want to appear as if I am taking sides and 2. I don't want you to think I am making light of the issues. So, please don't take anything I say the wrong way - I just want to share a few of my feelings with you and Craig.

Firstly, Craig, I know EXACTLY how it feels to be in your situation. I have a boy, Steven, who is 17 now but was 13 when I moved to the US. It broke my heart to leave him, but that very difficult decision was one that I had to make if I was to have any life of my own. I had been a single parent for 4 years and it was hard, very hard, not to have the emotional support of a husband, nor the financial freedom to do half the things I would have liked to with the children. Steven is a TWIN - his sister is here with me in the US. You can't imagine how heart-wrenching it was to take only one to the other side of the world. But, my husband Curt, and I sat the children down and explained that we loved each other and wanted to be together and that we would be a family one way or the other. We gave them the choice of whether to come to the US to live or remain in the UK. We told them that if either of them didn't want me to leave to live in the US, I wouldn't. Steven had made his decision, about 12 months prior to us even starting the visa applications, to remain in the UK with his father and he said he wouldn't have any objection to us moving to the US. He was happy with his Dad.

Sarah, his twin sister, is very strong, very mature - as most British children are, compared to their US counterparts. I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but it is true. I have lived and worked with American's for about 8 years now and just find that British kids are more mature. Sarah, being only 17, often remarks at how "childish" some of her friends at University are, and their age is usually around 20. When we left England I have never seen her cry so much, ever. She was upset at leaving her friends, the only life she had ever known and the sandy beaches and rugged cliffs of the place she called home, where she felt safe, loved and very much a part of the community. She was putting her trust in me to bring her to a man she hardly knew, to a country she had only visited once before, to a life she knew nothing about. The differences are collosal - I don't care what anyone else says, the priorities of Americans and British people are not the same. The culture is not the same. Sarah tried so hard at school, to make friends, to do well in her studies, to do what she could to fit in. She would come home and cry her heart out. I would hold her and tell her it would get better and it would all be done with by the time Curt got home from work. He didn't see how distressed she was and how upset it was making me.

Michael, her older brother, who was 20 decided that he wanted to join us in the US. He was struggling on his own and missed his family, although he had originally thought he could cope on his own, he really missed the closeness, the safety net, of having family close by. He joined us nine months after we arrived and it certainly made life easier for Sarah, having one of her brothers with her. The problems we have had with his immigration has been beyond belief - as most of you already know, so I won't dwell on that. But Michael has had days when he has asked for a plane ticket home - but he is fine now and, typically, now that he is settled they don't want to let him stay!

Steven has been to visit three times now. He came for Christmas last year and spent a few weeks here the first Summer we arrived and then spent 3 months here last Summer. He loved to come and would brag to all his friends when he went home about what he did during the holidays, when they were all bored to tears, just hanging around doing nothing much because they have little money to do stuff. He would tell them how he visited his Mum and brother and sister in The States and how all the skateboarding stuff was so cheap!! He got a new skateboard every trip and would always come with an empty suitcase and return with a full one. But he was always happy to go home, because he loved to come visit but loved to go home to tell his friends all about it! I would cry for several hours after he left to go home, but I guess I had the other two to help get over that and they would say "you'll see him again, soon", even though I didn't think it was soon enough.

I have been blessed with the most understanding husband ever! He knows and appreciates that I gave up so much to be here with him - in hindsight we both now realise it would have been easier for him to come to the UK. You have to bear in mind that we have been through more than most here, when it comes to the immigration process, it has been hell. The only reason I did give up so much to come here was because Curt had not long lost his father and his mother and sister are here and he is a typical "mountain man", loves hunting, the great outdoors. It's not quite the same in England! But he has been a rock - for all of us. When we have been upset, homesick, angry, dispairing at the unfairness of the immigration system - how those that do not follow the "rules" are treated better than those that do - the way we have sometimes felt the US Government have misled us and how we have assets that would buy us an apartment in the UK now, rather than the beautiful cottage by the sea we used to live in. He has listened, tried to understand (but in all fairness, how could he.....really?) and more than anything he has always been there, wanting what is best for us not what is best for him, and it is thanks to his behaviour, constantly reminding me why I fell in love with him in the first place, because he is so steadfast, that we have all got through this and are still here. He knows what we gave up, he knows how close a family we are and how hard things have been to us, how alien the culture is to us here and how I have not gone home in over 4 years, for fear of not wanting to return.

It is hard, Michelle, to always be that rock for someone. You have mentioned through this thread, I lost count how many times, that you love Craig. But what is love? My sister, who died a several years ago in my arms, told me that "Love is wanting for someone all you would want for yourself" and it took a while for me to realise exactly what she meant. You say you are not prepared to give up what you have here, your family, your home or lifestyle, due to the uncertainty of your relationship. Craig gave up all that, and more, and I am sure he was as uncertain what the outcome would be. He is finding the pain of leaving everything familiar to him behind to start a new life, because he loves you. Can you imagine loving someone so much that you leave your son behind just so you can be with that person? It is hard to be that person's rock, I know. But you are all that Craig has here, that is familiar to him. He yearns for the familiar things, that bring comfort when you are feeling sad, but they aren't within reach. It is such a hard situation and I am not very good at putting my thoughts into words, so excuse me for that.

I feel that it is not just Craig that needs to go home for a visit. I think that you all need to go, together. I know that Corey is only young, but he will grow up so fast. He and Daryl have the same age gap as my two sons and, if they are given the chance to get to know one another, will strike up a rapport of their own. Who knows, in years to come they may both cross the Atlantic to see each other, not just to visit you guys. Go and visit Craig's old haunts, the ones I am sure he has talked about to you often. Re-live and enjoy the places you were happy together when you weren't married.

I am sure you will work this out - you are both "good people" and if you love each other as much as it really seems you do, things will be fine. But...........it takes time..........it takes understanding..........and sometimes it does take standing back and saying "that's enough - it's my turn for a little understanding here!!"

Craig, it will get easier and children, no matter how much they love you and miss you and want you with them, soon develop into adults. That doesn't mean they become any less close to you, but it is different. Steven doesn't call me as often now, he is in a "strop" with me at the moment because I wouldn't sign the papers for him to join the British Army when he was 16, but that's another story! He will visit when he wants to now, not when I would like him to. He phones when he isn't too busy or isn't at his girlfriend's house. He never e-mails because he just hates to - I'll write my life story (much as here.........sorry!) and I'll get a one line mail back! He's a boy and they change so much during their teenage years you would hardly recognise them, looking back. Go visit him - ASK his mother if he can come to visit during the Summer holidays - he'd love it and I am sure she could probably do with some time alone with her new fiance too. You won't know if you don't ask.

I truly wish you both the best and don't give up now, you have come so far and this is the worst it is likely to ever be, believe me, I have been there. Liken it to a mountain - you are at the peak now and once you get over the other side the view is truly spectacular!

Remember the definition of love as my sister saw it - and think of it every time you look at each other and then ask yourself "Would I really want that for myself?"

Sorry this was so long, and probably all over the place........!!

Good luck - I will be thinking of you both and hoping for the very best, for both of you!

*wiping tears as I read what Girona wrote*

Michelle, I've thought a lot about this situation over the past evening, and I'm going to be a bit frank here. Let me preface this by saying that I don't know much about clinical depression...and if that's what's at work here, then I'm going to be out of line.

But it seems to me that Craig is being very indulgent in wallowing in this depression. Yes, it sucks that he misses things, misses all that's familiar...but at the end of the day...he's so busy missing all that's familiar that he's not opening himself up to the possibility of making his HOME here. Okay, so he feels out of place...but then he goes and isolates himself off from people. Well, nothing's going to change if that's the cycle that happens.

You have been a great & supportive wife...and I marvel at your tenacity...because if the shoe were on my foot, I'd have done all I can, but then just said 'right, sh!t or get off the pot'. Everyone here could learn a lesson from you. But who's focused on you? Craig's not, and you're not. Forgive me for being so familiar...but all I hear from you (primarily) is concern for Craig, concern for Daryl....who's primarily concerned with you? It must be eating you alive...well it would me. And I think it might be a good thing to take the kid gloves off & get down to business.

It's great to sit here and feel sorry for one's self, but at the end of the day, it's a counterproductive exercise. I think that's where Craig is going wrong. And you shouldn't be made to feel guilty for any of this (even if it's just in your own mind)...you have gone well above and beyond the call of duty (imo) and have stuck it out thru thick and thin. I understand you're doing all to save your marriage, but you need to also save your sanity. Perhaps it's time to start making a few demands of your own?

Daryl is well on his way to manhood...and how many times do you forsee a 16 year old lad taking the weekend away from his friends to go visit his family? Not much, imo. I also think Daryl is being a little overly clingy because of HIS new move...and he's clinging onto something that's familiar.

I'm sorry if I've overstepped the bounds here, but I really felt compelled to say this. Good luck & God bless

That was a beautiful post Glenys, thank you. M.

PS..and I've just read yours Lisa..while I do thank you so much for 'sticking up for me' etc..I do think you are wrong. I don't think Craig is 'wallowing' these are just his feelings. I think that's a common misconception with some people here..yes, I'm frustrated, sometimes annoyed, hurt, whatever..but so is he and with more to deal with. I'm not making light of what you said..we have both been pretty fed up! lately...but I think you can't always! control how you feel...it'snot a matter of just shutting it on or off. Craig is also sensitive and cannot STAND the thought of hurting someone else, so what Daryl is feeling really hurts him. Thank you tho, for having some feeling for what I am feeling too. Michelle

Fair enough then, but thanks for not getting offended!

I think you did a wonderful thing with this post and are most definately very good at putting your thoughts into words.

What is Craig's relationship with his other stepson, your son, like? It seems to me that he is very focused on his stepson back home and isn't considering how his new stepson may feel if Craig left him!

Good point Lisa.
I was thinking the same thing.

Sorry Michelle to hear that things have taken a downturn once again.
Follow your heart.

Thank you everyone, again. It may not seem like it from my replys..but we ARE taking your words to heart. I am going to call you Daisy at some point..so if you want to PM me your number that would be great. With Corey in school today,we have been talking a lot(while I'm not sleeping..have an infection and feel icky...bleh!) and that is helping. A trip to the UK is in order asap..just for a couple of weeks right now as he has the go-ahead from work for that and has a job that's perfectly suited to him now and not far from here. In May he goes full time but right now, until then,he's training 2 days a week which makes it easier for them to let him get away as well. He really feels that once he goes back he will WANT to be here...but that going back..is a necessary part of feeling that way. I know it has worked both ways for others, and hope he's right in how he's going to feel. We're going to speak a few times while he's gone, but limit that contact a lot so he can just do his own thing and has a chance to miss us. I'm happy to report that his relationship with Corey is great...has been from the start. He always made a point to talk to Corey on Messenger while I took a break too and Corey would send him emails; he would always respond..things like that. When he would send a package he would always include something for Corey. He said, in the first initial very hard months, Corey helped him a lot of days(not knowing it!) just because they're always messing about together,etc...Craig would always take him up to the field in the summer to kick around a soccer ball for an hour or more at al time..they would make up little games they only knew the rules to to play in the basement,etc..he's GREAT with him..much better than his 'natural' father EVER was(and I'm not downing him...he just honestly never had much time for him even when he was small and lived with him) .so I'm sure not being without Corey does factor into it as well...they have been really close and that's really heartwarming to see. We have had a few blowups with him nearby, admittedly, but we try to talk more after he's gone to bed or like today when he's in school; I know arguing does affect kids a lot and we haven't been able to totally contain THAT in the past as we should...you're all right tho and we will renew our efforts not to fight in front of him at all. Overall, I think Corey does feel pretty secure though. I am starting to have faith that we'll make it now again...but still don't feel overly secure if you know what I mean...I think it's going to take a lot of work on BOTH of our parts and my part of that is going to have to be proactive(instead of just talking about it..I see what you meant Becca) on getting myself feeling better, trying to be more understanding, and Craig knows there's certain things he's going to have to change as well...he's not denying that. He spoke to Daryl on the phone today and asked him what he said to me yesterday(tho he knew very well) and said that it upset me a bit...so that was sweet of him. I know Daryl is upset too,and we'll just have to figure something out on that front. We do have to try to include him a bit more. Craig has said to me in the past that he didn't think it would work to have him here for more than a couple of weeks(and that's no reflection on how much he loves Daryl..more on what he knows of how things would be here during that time)but I will abide by his decision if he ever wants him to be here longer..a month, a summer..we will just deal with it when the time comes..if his Mum would even let him. We were planning to try to get him over here this coming October for a visit for his 16th bday and he talks about that, and Craig's visit back to the UK a lot. We'll see. As always the support, caring and kindness..the advice...all here is invaluable and I/we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Michelle

Girona40 your post made me cry. A beautiful post and lots of sensible advice


Michelle,

I feel bad that you are down again, your a strong girl and I just know you will both get through this.
My only advice would be is that Craig NEEDS to go back for a visit as soon as possible, the man is in pain.
I do NOT believe as some have said, that he is wallowing in self pity!!!!
I left my two eldest at home and I know the pain Craig is feeling and his son Daryl. I do agree that talking on a daily basis on here will help both of them, the sadness will turn to them joking around and having fun. Set a time for when it will be possible for them to be together again, that will help them and they will look forward to it.
They seem to have had a very close relationship and while some may think they are overly sensitive (which I don't agree with) that is the way their relationship has been before he came here, and missing someone so bad is'nt being over sensitive to me.
If Craig does go back and decide he wants to stay then that is the way it will have to be,but the way it is now,he is suffering and you too cos you can't stand him hurting and rightly so.
As other's have said, Daryl is going to be at the stage where girls and going out are more important anyway and parents are an after thought.
I do believe you will both get through this and I think its urgent that Craig goes back or gets Daryl over here as soon as possible.
Believe me I have had my times when I feel the need to run back and make sure the kids are ok,but that's more to do with me than them. I know they are fine and they know I am. Yes I like Craig made the decision to come here and I really have settled,but I have been lucky in that I have seen my kids on a regular basis.
I think the trip will do him the world of good.
Best of luck Michelle and stay strong

Just checking into this thread to see if Craig decided to go home to England for a visit and how all is going with you both. Hope that you're both doing OK?

Lisa

Michelle,
please dont take any of what I'm about to say too personal,I do not mean to hurt your feelings or anything like that,I'm just telling you what I think about your and your husbands situation...
First of all,I think Craig next to go and get professional help.I'm not a doctor but to me it seems he is suffering from a major depression.
Now being homesick and missing freinds and family "back home" is something completly normal,but to me it seems he is just down right unhappy here in the USA.
I will have to go back to my "home country" next week Wednesday and have to leave the man I love for another 6 months or even more until I get the K1 to come back here and finally get married.
It is tearing me apart to know we're almost out of time.
I feel incomplete without my Jim and I know going back to Germany will hurt like hell and it will be very difficult for my friends and family to deal with me over there for the next months.
Pretty much all of the things Craig has said in his post back in July are things I feel too,but I feel that way about my "home country".
I love Jim more than words can say and all I want is to be here with him forever.
Thank God I also have a huge love for America in my heart because for some reason I just never fit in over there in Germany.............
It makes me sad to read Craigs post because I do know how he feels just that I feel that way about having to live away from my Baby in Germany.
Craig needs help and he needs it fast in my opinion.
Did you ever consider moving to England with him?????
I can't predict the future and I wont try but I would say that if he keeps feeling that way you guys will need a divorce attorney one of these days.
The way he feels about being here in the USA is already effecting everything including your marriage and I agree with you that most likely talking to his (step)son on the Internet ,in his specal case,will only make matters worse.
Try to get him to seek help for his depression,and think about moving to England.
Best of luck to you
Natasha

Hope things are going good Michelle.


Havent seen you around for awhile...........Hopefully thats a good thing.

Yeah, Michelle, miss you girly! Hope you're doing well.

Hi everyone. Things aren't bad here, but they'e not good either. Not going to write too much for a while...we are planning a trip for Craig..probably around the end of March..will be buying the ticket soon...not sure yet but maybe 28th of March thru the 13th of April or so....we'll see how he feels about being here after that trip. He thinks it's going to bring to light more what he has here...and I'm hoping for that as well..but really not sure how it will go. Have been really disappointed lately, and I know Craig feels the same...but I still love him more than ever and he says he loves me as well...he just can't fathom living here his entire life. My back has been very! painful and I'm in physical therapy for now and then the pain clinic wants to do a discogram which the doctor told me is a more invasive and painful procedure, so I hope it doesn't come to that, but it probably will. Emotionally, I'm a wreck right now, but I know so is Craig. I just haven't had it in me lately to spend too much time here lately...most are so happy!!! (which is SO good..I mean, I'm glad for everyone..but just..if you know what I mean!!) and the ones that are having loads of problems and some separating don't exactly make me feel happy when I read them either. I want noting more than to spend the rest of my life with Craig, and we'll see how he feels when he gets home again after his visit home! Thanks to those who have been thinking of us...it's appreciated and nice to know. Michelle

I hope the both of you find some resolution to this soon. It's been going on a very long time.

In the meanwhile, Michelle, you know you have the support of many here.

And remember this....you read the 'rosy' and 'happy' posts.....don't for one minute think that EVERYTHING is those couples worlds is perfect and sublime. Everybody in this process has adjustments to make and conflicts to resolve. Different people just handle things differently. And if there is an 'issue', some people post it here, but most don't.

There's not all this 'perfection' out there. You and Craig have just had more challenges than many, and you've been more 'out there' with it. You've taken a lot of suggestions and criticisms, and you've managed to either digest the good or reject the bad.

Class act, I think.

the diffrence every relation must face is ..
is it " REAL LOVE" or is it "PUPPY LOVE"
if your confused go thought this process you will know for sure!

Shon, did you even read this thread? Craig has been here over a year and had his visa ages ago. Ah,nevermind

like I said ..
the diffrence every relation must face is ..
is it " REAL LOVE" or is it "PUPPY LOVE"!
looks like PUPPY LOVE ... real love would have kept him by yourside
you or he uttered this:

" he says he loves me as well...he just can't fathom living here his entire life."

your married HIS PLACE is by YOUR SIDE - YOUR PLACE is by HIS SIDE according to the bible! he that finds a wife finds a good thing. where was he last night?

Michelle, ::hugs::

you can ignore me I dont care. maybe you dont like what I am saying. but, the very thing I said to you - is the very thing you are questioning.

he was here with me. there's your answer Shon

Thanks Swirls and Rebecca...I just saw your as it was on the last page. You guys are really sweet, and I appreciate that now more than ever. ((hugs)) back. Michelle

For those of us who have been following this thread.....love to you both...... Rebeccajo speaks wise words always..

Michelle. you need to find your own answer. rather he is with you or not. that is your PRIVATE business.
one thing is certain- his place is by yourside. your place is by his. being there in body and not in mind is not
being there togeather. you spend all this time hen pecking on the PC about your relation- you have not figured it out YET! when you marry you marry as ONE- married enough times never knowing what real love was. it was all puppy love. looked cute on paper til reality set in. we relealized we were never bestfriends.
it was only strong like. instead of sitting your tail on the chair. I would be be constantly talking and working on things. if he dont wanna live here ok thats one thing. driving on the wrong side of the road kind of issues. see you are talking about your MARRIAGE. so maybe you get your behind to UK and yall be happy. life is too short for all this usless bulldog. be HAPPY thats all you and hubby gotta do.

ps.. in my posting i was refering to me being married more than once.
not sure about if this is your 1st or 20th marriage not the issue.
the issue is work it out and be happy.

While I don't disagree that there can eb times when people marry and then realise they are not meant to be together, didn't you post that your husband was booted for having married you for immigration benefit? Is that what you call "puppy love"?

yeah DM.
it was puppy love. that dog loved the mighty green card.lol
his behind is mighty deported..lol its ok I am not ashamed
I dont want no one going thought the mess I have been through..

michelle
I dont think you have a man that is a dog.
he loves you and you love him. thats why you gotta work it out.
get past the puppy love and get to the real love if that is what you have. only you can answer that.

BIG HUGS MICHELLE

Ok. A couple of things...Shon, for one I am not going to respond to all of your insulting remarks in the one post you made. Think what you'd like to think of me; as you may see, I have more pressing matters on my mind than what Shonjaved thinks of me. To answer the one question you think seems to be the end all be all to our relationship...YES. It is real love for us and is not puppy love. We've both been there and done that as far as the latter which is why we waited until ages 32 and 34 to get married...we were waiting for the right person. Now, if I'm done justifying our feelings to you, this is for the rest of you who have been so caring and supportive:

We have been discussing it and Craig may go back to England sooner...as soon as the next couple of weeks. We don't know yet. He may also quit his job, which worries me as it is close and good money..and he almost has his CDL through them but not quite, but he has to do what he has to do, so I'll just roll with that. He may also stay more like a month instead of two weeks. What concerns me, is I think he will come back having missed us,etc etc, but I also don't think that will last more than a couple of weeks or a month. I've been heartbroken over a lot of things lately, and I love Craig...he's an enormous chunk of my heart...but I just don't know what's going to happen at this point. I guess this is what can happen when someone loves another person, but just can't feel normal elsewhere. He says that is what he misses the most..feeling normal and not out of place. I don't entirely understand not being able to 'get' to feeling normal here after a while, but I'm also fully aware that I've never been through it. I have already, and I'm sure I will again, take flack for saying this, but I'm just not prepared to move to England with the state of our relationship right now. I have already given my reasons earlier in this thread, and I won't defend them further. I'm also not uprooting just myself, but Corey as well. I'm currently looking for a councelor to talk to all of this about..not because many think I should either...I'm mature enough to make my own decisions(and not meaning to offend anyone!! that may have suggested that by saying that) but my Doctor thinks I should and I think it will help as well. Only problem is, when I lost my job due to their moving to China, I lost my insurance and for the time being I'm on Badgercare. My Doctor's office couldn't find an office nearby that accepted it, but I am going to call the county courthouse and see if they know of anyone or have any suggestions. I really need to vent at this point. Don't get me wrong in all of this; Craig has complaints and issues too..but like someone said earlier you all know I'm not an angel in this either...but I have really really tried to be kind and loving to Craig and no matter how much he says he loves me, I just don't get that back from him. The kindness, yes, the loving things..no. I'm heartsick about what may happen with us, depressed and all the like, but I'm also hopeful that things will still work out. Thank you all for your continued support, and those of you who are just going to pop on here and say I'm in the wrong because I won't move, or he obviously doesn't love me because of anything I've written here, please restrain yourself. We're both dealing with enough already, and sometimes there are just extenuating circumstances. I hope the rest of you are doing well, and think of many of you often. Michelle

HUGS MICHELLE

Michelle...

I don't think you are 'wrong' at all in not wanting to uproot and move to the UK, I am sure you both discussed the best place to live when you decided you wanted to marry, that choice was made and viewed to be the best....Craig's depression/homesickness should not blur that. I really hear your saddness and fear about Craigs month long holiday to the UK.....but maybe you should start to view it in a positive light...time out for YOU, time for you to recover and rest from the situation, more time for you and Corey(I am sure it has been tough for him to see you go thro this)....I know this has been an enormous pressure for you and I am hoping that separating yourself from the current situation will help you see things in a different light. I hope you get what I am trying to say

There isn't anything we can do or say to make things better for you I know that....but be assured we are always here to listen when you want to vent....

You and Craig are really brave airing your innermost as you have been - brave because its painful, but its so good you have a venting place - I jus wish we saw more of Craig here but I know guys like to do the 'working it out for myself' thing - its just that this is such a great support network, and he'd be able to SEE rather than just 'know' that he's not the only one who gets these homesickness issues. And he could get info and practical suggestions - from other guys - other BRIT guys - who've been there, done that.
Sure they won't have his special circumstances but it doesn't mean their advice would be worthless because of it. All of us, except maybe a very few, will be leaving someone behind whether its friends, parents, step children or natural children.
We will all be 'strangers in a strange land' and we all will have to deal with the differences we find - and the fact we're all out of our comfort zones.
Craig's first ever post on this said he'd lost his 'sense of self' which I always thought was very insightful and probably rang true to many people. The thing is we often measure our self-worth in the reflections of others - and if your support network and the 'things' with which you always used to gauge who YOU were (friends, home, job) suddenly go then its hard to re-asses.
Suddenly you are apparently 'no-one'. You have no job (Craig is at least lucky here), no credit card, no 'history' in this new country and it's natural to feel adrift and worthless. The thing is, you are still YO.
The things you had that make you the person you are haven't magically disappeared - they are just not right in front of you any more - but they are still THERE.
I doubt going back will help Craig - unless it just helps him put those things into perspective and show him what he DOES have with you Mich - sometimes we need a kick up the arse to show us what's important and its really not 'about' you - its about him.
The 'problem' is it affects both of you - and the uncertainty that all this is causing (not to mention the hurt and doubts it must bring up) isn't something I can yet personally appreciate fully; but it's good to see your posts because it makes us all THINK about our futures. Not in a negative way - life isn't a fairytale so I know things WILL be difficult at times - but in a positive 'this might happen to me, so how can I try and minimse it' way.
I don't think its a good idea for him to give up his job at this time - he needs to be able to return and slot back into working I think - if they will allow him more than 2 weeks off without pink-slipping him that is. Perhaps Craig is of the mind that its unfair of him to try and keep his job when he's not certain of his return date...
There will many thing he will be happy to see again once hes in the UK again but also many things he's gonna miss - for one thing YOU won't be there. I bet once he returns for his brief visit he will be glad to leave again - so many things he DIDN'T like about the place will still BE there..obviously he does need time to think and re-group - and I hope hope hope he can do that without the rose-colored spectacles.
I send you both many many good wishes and hugs

Michell, I have not been reading this post for quite a while which was wrong of me and I am therefore really sad to read that there are still a lot of concerns and things are not as good as they could be.

Michelle you have always been such a wonderful support to many people on here so I am not surprised that you are now receiving that support back, one thing I will say to you Michelle is that my daughter "went through it" so long ago and used to phone me at all hours, especially when she had her first child. it is definitely not easy for the immigrant as you are finding out and are having to try and deal with.

Michelle, if my daughter can help in anyway, just by talking to Craig and letting him know that she went through all this but came out the other side and is now in a good job with a loving family, please just pm me and I will let you have her phone number. Who knows perhaps for him to talk to someone who has been out there so long may just help a little. Just let me know

So many hugs to you both

So sad to read all this.

I hope Craig doesn't leave his job here. This is one area where SOOOOOOOOO many immigrants struggle. He found a job, and one that he is suited for. He can quit the job just as well from England if he decides not to return. If he does come back to America, at least he hasn't lost this one very important adjustment step.

I hate to read all this. It really breaks me heart.

Craig, if you decide to read any of this - I'm going to say one word to you.

GRATITUDE.

It means being happy for the day and for the blessings in it.

For your health, for those around you, for what is good in your life.

For being content with what you have been given, and realizing that those good things are enough for today.

Because tomorrow is unpredictable, and today's joy should never be missed.

((((((((((Michelle))))))))))

That rebecca is an amazing woman! Excellent advice. I too would like to know more about what Craig is thinking, etc... and I can see how Michelle is struggling... just know that I am praying for you both!
*hugs*
Lynne

Michelle I'm so sorry to hear that things are going like this

Don't let anyone's comments here get you down...true love never is so cut & dry. You and Craig have shown your immese love for each other by working so hard at this relationship of yours & you both have been so brave to put this out there with no bs & say 'yeah this is what we're going through'.

I hope Craig's visit is a short one, but one that helps him come to terms with his decision. He may come backa new man...we all know the saying 'don't know what ya got till it's gone' and by gone I mean just physically gone for a short time. He'll be all happy & feeling back at home...and then he'll turn to tell you something, when he's going to realize that the one he loves is 4000 miles away. Then all the luster & shine of being back 'home' is going to look a bit like fools gold.....it looks great & familiar...but at the end of the day, it's not 'home' anymore because his life is with you now.

If there's anything you need, please don't hesitate to pm me.

Michelle,

I've been following this thread since it came over from the old forums. Have read the whole thing.

I just really wanted to add my support and best wishes that you get through this terrible time soon and that you are able to work everything out for the best. Whatever that might turn out to be.

So sorry to hear about your back too, that must be very painful. When it rains, it pours!! I'm sure you know all this already, but warmth, like a heated wheat bag can be very soothing in addition to any painkillers that you are taking. I've also found at times of stress and distress that a couple of drops of lavender oil on a pillow or in a warm bath can have a calming effect and aid sleep if you are struggling with that.

I hope that you are able to find a counsellor to talk through your feelings and support you too. I realise that money is an issue for you now and counsellors are very expensive. I wonder if you have thought of Catholic Charities, they sometimes have counsellors or a support service. Or even speaking to a minister/priest/pastor at a church. You dont necessarily have to believe in their doctrine or be a member of the church. They are trained to listen and often offer some sage advice.

With hugs and best wishes
Kate

no one is insulting YOU. I wont sit there and go THERE THERE POOR MICHELLE.
I rather you be pushed to do someting to save your marriage!
its the same thing I told my sister. but, you need to realize where your loyalties are.
where your place is its by his side and his is by yours. if you dont know that yet. you better learn it.
have you lived in the UK??? its lovely there i lived there 10 years and enjoyed life there very much.
he moved here for you. its not working so maybe you might have to try it for him. but, no matter what it is you do. YOU are the one that has to live with that choice. NOT ME or the Personas on this board.

what would I do if I were you... I would not let him walk out that door, not without me.



look you know how people say. IF ONLY I could have.......
is that gonna be you michelle.
will you say ... if only I could have........
maybe if you let him walk out the door it sends a bigger message to Him..

where the dayum ignore button?

ignore me I dont give a crap. its not my marriage crumbling. maybe she should listion
to someone that has been down the very road she is traveling. I have been down that road.
I am very smart for my young age. I have been thought this pain before. I dont need to air dirty
laundery on this thing. what I will say again -

Dont let him walk out the door.
thats MORE than what you are saying Frances..