yup

Personally, my fiance and myself have had discussions and made decisions based on stuff we have read here....it has certainly opened my eyes and made me think alot more about what my future life will be like when we move.

I have followed this thread since the very first post by Craig. It has helped me alot--especially in the first few months of his coming to the States. It may be personal; but the subject manner pertains to many. I hope this thread can stay on track for the people who will need it in the future.

Whatever reasons Michelle and Craig may have for posting their information is their business & for no one to judge. Now, I haven't been here long, and it's prolly a bit cheeky of me to come in here to throw my .02 completely into this mix, but I do think it's wrong to kick her when she's down.

I agree with many of the statements by many of the posters here.....and can even see Shonjaved's point. I think the more it went ignored, the more abrasive her posts became. Shon was speaking from a certain perspective, and while I feel she prolly feels like this is a similar situation, each situation has its own dynamic & cannot really be completely compared. What is a solution for one may not be a solution for another.

However, judging from the many posts Michelle has made here, it's clear to me that she's not just sat here complaining about her situation without doing anything about it.....anyone who wants to read all the posts can see the progression of the situation & see how Michelle is giving it her all. This message board is not something that she's using in lieu of a proactive solution....it's in addition to. And what is so bad if that's what makes her happy, or at least gives her a little comfort? Who are any of us to tell her what's right and what's not?

Most, if not all of us, are very unique to other people in respect to the fact that we 'live' in two separate countries. We all can empathise with each other in knowing the pain of always longing for someone, always feeling alone, etc. What Michelle & Craig have done by starting this thread is remarkable....as it's been said, there are many who are afraid to show the bad stuff, there are also those who are 'ashamed' of the hard times. And this gives a face to something to let everyone else who's going thru the same know 'you're not alone, this is not completely abnormal' ---let alone the benefit of possibly giving Michelle some peace of mind where she feels she has an outlet to vent at what must be an incredibly frustrating situation!

Sure it's not always going to be sunshine and light here, but we all should remember we came here with a common interest. I for one am thankful that I found this place....I am just about to start the actual visa journey part of it....but at the same time, it's made me feel like a home away from home...because we all are in the same boat and can give support to each other to keep us strong.

I'm sorry for the long winded post, but it's something i feel really strongly about. No one's saying we all should blow sunshine up each other's arses, but at the same time, people and their feelings don't have to be annihilated while disagreeing.


THANK YOU MICHELLE & CRAIG FOR HAVING THE COURAGE TO SHARE! WE ARE ROOTING FOR YOU!

I was sitting in the same chair as michelle. I was her at one point in my life.

I had a husband <2nd one > that loved me and one that i loved. The adjustment of life for him in the USA was something he could not handle. The more I tried to listion and be supportive. the more he was pushing me away. he would travel to his country alot talk to his buddies. even when I was pregante- his life in his country was more important than being with me. while i stayed home and wait by the phone. he finally made his cameo appearances - I accepted it as if - at least you are home now.

finally one day he stopped making cameo appearances. one final call i got was " I am leaving you ". I should have seen it coming. those words cut my inner soul to this day. you dont have to like what i say. you can ignore me til the cows come home. the pain I felt that day. was like a sledge hammer comming down on my heart. I just wanted to DIE. no person should ever feel the pain of a broken heart.

so this post will get flamed like the others I dont care. but, I share this because, I have been there.

bottom line is make it WORK .. dont let him walk out that door.

Shon, I feel for everyone who has had a broken heart... but, without that broken heart... or the roads that I have had to travel... I would not have found my Jamal...
I'm so sorry for anyone who has to go through heartache... but, it does happen, we can't stop it... LIFE HAPPENS... and it is full of ups and downs... turns and whirlwinds...
The only thing that i CAN physically do... is to pray...
*hugs*
I wish the best for everyone here... not just in this forum... but on VJ... I think that all of us are deserving of happiness... and of love...
I know... i am like a cliche... but that is honestly how I think and feel...
*hugs whole VJ*
Blessings to all
Lynne
Lynne

shonjaved, I am so sorry that you had to experience this....


But your ex and Craig may not respond to the same stuff. If Michelle clings on too tight, he may feel even more suffocated.

Michelle cannot make it work on her own, it takes two. He needs to find his inner peace, and that's really a path he can only walk alone. (imo)

Lisa and others that is why I mentioned I think both of them are having adjustment problems. I think that they both need to go to marriage/family counseling and Craig as Rebeccajo mentioned needs to basically count his blessings. I think he is homesick and it has been long struggle in their adjustment that he maybe is very depressed. Michelle is having health problems and the stresses are effecting her as well. This is why I mentioned that they both seek medical help with depression.

My concern is also how this is effecting the kids. Corey has to be in the middle of tensions here in the states and then Daryl seems to be trying to vie for Craigs attention. Maybe Corey even needs to find a way to release and talk to someone that can help him. Kids do not always show how they feel and pent up their feelings. I was widowed four years ago and my kids were 8 and 9. I have them in counseling to this date and you would be amazed at how much they will tell another person since they do not want to upset me with memories of their late father or things that are happening in their lives. My oldest just told me mom you have too much on you. You are worried of visa, JP is worried of his health and knows that I am concerned. So kids do hold back and make it like nothing is bothering them until it festers over later.

I really wish to see this whole family happy and healthy. I pray daily for everyone on VJ and will continue to remember special needs.

Mary

Mary, it is always a blessing when I get to read a post of yours. You have a wonderfully loving and tender heart! *hugs*
I think that is absolutely sound and encouring advice.
Blessings to you
Lynne

Mary, I like you. You speak from the heart.

I'm the spiritual sort, but not deeply religious in the conventional way. But I tell you what - to know that you are sending up a prayer for me and the others on this board each day - well I just gotta say thanks, cause at least from my perspective, I sure could use it.

I feel for the children in this too...it must be horribly unsettling to see mom and potential dad (or vice versa) unhappy with each other all the time. Children suffer hugely, and a lot of the time the effects only become visable later on in life when they themselves are dealing with their relationships.

I hope, once again, that you both can resolve these issues. I was very fortunate to have parents who actively encouraged me to go out into the world and never suggested I do otherwise. Of course they miss me terribly, but in a constructive way, rather than making me feel bad that I'm not there.

I guess it just takes a little time for people who aren't used to travelling and getting out of their comfort zone to adjust. Some people never will adjust I guess. There's a lot to be said for the saying that 'home is where the heart is'...some people can't decide where that is and get all messed up inside because of it. Hopefully by going back to the UK Craig will decide for sure where his heart lies and go with it.

This thread has been helpful from the very beginning. Craig poured his heart out and it gave me insight into how tough the adjustment might be. Michelle added her experience which helped me consider how my struggles might affect my husband. Comments from all have meant discussion for my husband and I as we worked to adjust as a couple and I did and continue to struggle to adjust. All along this thread has helped me and I've tried to add my support to Michelle and others wrestling with this thing that is difficult, whether you're from away or next door.

We here understand the extent of the trials that we face, moreso than friends and relatives could ever ever grasp. It helps to have a place to air worries and grievances, and hopes and losses, especially when others in our lives couldn't understand.

I don't really have a point except to express why I continue to read this thread. This lifeline. You never know who reads your words, many people come to VJ and never post. You could support those who never speak up as well as those of us who rant and rave

awwww....good post Daisy....I really hope this thread continues too....

Absolutely.

Hello everyone. Well, I do have an update, but it's not a nice one. I think it's better for me to stick to the basics than respond to some of the posts...it's useless to get irritated, as I have often said(and others) about something you read online. Needed to refresh my own memory there I guess, but when you're really down, it just grates more I suppose. Thanks again! to those of you who understand WHY I post here(and you're right) and for being supportive always..it means a lot. No matter if this is JUST the Internet..it really does. The reason is, as Daisy just stated again, because so many of us have been there and not just Craig & I...I feel I can relate/you can relate or whatever...and I do consider many of you my friends even though we will likely never meet unless you live in the midwest..then, who knows. Look at our fellow Wisconsinites Mellie & Scott & Lorelle!

Anyway, Craig came back in from work yesterday about an hour after they left and they let him go from his job. George (his boss) kept shaking his hand and saying it's such a shame because you're a really nice fellow and I enjoyed speaking with you,etc etc...when you get your CDL and if the position opens up again, feel free to apply again,etc...they basically let him go because it was taking too long to get his CDL. Frustrating because our DMV is open once EVERY OTHER month for four hours, and other than that he's had to drive 3 hours round-trip to the other nearest location. If he failed a test(usually only by 2/3 questions) it didn't make sense to go back again for a week or so until he had studied again. He had passed the main one...the 50 question general knowledge, and also the air brakes test. He still had to pass the trailer test(about 20 questions only) get his medical(an hour) and take the driving test itself. That would have been the easier for him, as he drove in England for 10 years. We just needed a bit more time...anyway, it's done. It's going to put a crimp in our money situation, but thats really not theworry at the moment, and he'll find something else. Now that the knowledge tests are complete a lot of places will help him(use their vehicles, and some will even pay for it)take the driving portion if they want to hire him. There are a few places around he could work(he's not going over the road, more like delivery, or whatever..those type of trucks)

So..with all of this happening, Craig is going to go back to England sooner. We are booking the ticket tonight...I have been upset all day yesterday because we talked about it(and I get it...I don't disagree he should go for this long, or that it likely will help...I'm just going to miss him)and he's going to stay for about a month. He's leaving probably two weeks from yesterday..around March 7th. This also means he is going to miss our first anniversary, and I'm really not happy about that...but, you do what you have to do I guess. Two weeks would have been alright, but to see him leaving for a month has been really difficult. (and for those of you..certain ones..that are going to throw your 2 cents in about it...I have a rational mind about all of this and I have already thought of the pros and cons of this, so please feel free but we'll continue to make our own decisions and have our own feelings on everything. I can't change how I FEEL about this as much as I may like to, any more than Craig can magically change how he's been feeling about being away from England) His primary complaint has always been just wanting to feel normal again. ..I get that. I just wish he didn't have to be gone for so long, and over our anniversary. It feels ALL of our special days have been tainted by something..some very very sad and beyond anyone's control at all, so I'm certainly not complaining about that...just doesn't help matters. We were having a really nice Christmas, and his friend Barry passed away. Felt so horrible for Craig, but nothing we could do. The day of our AOS interview just as we were waiting in the car to go in, we lost his Granddad as many of you already know. Valentines Day it just didn't mesh, and we didn't do anything, and now he will be gone on this special day. It just gets me down and I was teary all day yesterday. Much to the amazement of some(said tongue in cheek..not for all of you, just select individuals) I don't just sit here and post..in fact, I rarely come on anymore...and have been doing everything I can think of to help our marriage. That doesn't mean I don't get down, or annoyed with it sometimes either and act unreasonably, but I think anyone would at this point. (meaning Craig AND I)

So...that's the current situation. Craig said he already feels like he misses me somehow, now that it's becoming more 'real' that he's going, even though we knew he always was...first the job, and now booking the tickets,etc. I feel the same. I am not 'letting him walk out the door' either..he is going for a VISIT and I have no doubt in my mind that he both needs this, and that he will return. Hopefully,refreshed as he would like to think and does think..and ready to dig in again and get back to the business of US. I'll let you know how it goes...I haven't felt like being on much...Broma, Aussie, Welshie, and so many others have sent PMs..thank you so much and I will respond when I'm feeling a bit better about all of this..but thanks for taking the time and although I sound like a broken record, it does mean alot..ditto on reading your posts here.

Take care everyone, and those of you feeling it as well, hang in. M.

Michelle.....

Thanks for taking the time to check in with us. I will be keeping you both in my thoughts. I really hope Craig enjoys his time in the UK and that he comes back refreshed. I know you are going to miss each other so much...and I hope the brief separation is productive in you moving forward in your life together.

Take care Michelle and Craig and best wishes to you both over the next few weeks.....

Michelle
*hugs*
I just wanted you to know that I was praying for you... and wishing you all the best. I think that it could be a GOOD thing for Craig to visit him home country right now... not just for him... but for you and for his step-son also. Maybe his step-son won't feel so "abandoned," and will see that his step-dad can and will return for visits... with future intentions of brining him to the USA for a visit. And I think it could be a good time for you to just BREATHE a little... instead of trying to carry the world on your shoulders. You are a strong and loving woman, or so I gather from your posts... and I wish you all the best! Prayers going up for ya'll as as type!
*hugs*
Blessings,
Lynne

You've both experienced a lot of loss recently, as well as difficulties you didn't necessarily expect to have. I'm sorry that the "important" days haven't been what you wanted/needed. In the big scheme of things, though, it's only a small part of your married life together. My hope is that once Craig gets to the UK he'll be able to put perspective on things here and when he comes back you can both renew the commitment and start having the happiness you both want.

*hugs*

Thanks everyone. I just forgot to add one more thing...I meant to include it in the first post. Corey is seemingly doing fine..very happy. We try not to shout or get THAT angry with one another when Corey is here and during the FEW times that does happen, Craig is very good to make sure to go by and poke Corey jokingly(something they do) or something similar, to make sure he knows we're not angry with him, and that things really are ok. I can't get across just what I mean, but hopefully you understand. Also, Corey's bedtime is nine pm, and we try to do most of our 'deep' conversational talking later at night when he's asleep. He sees us annoyed at times,of course, but I think that's pretty normal for most couples. I'm talking about our relationship discussions..we try to keep that away from him as much as possible, but I do understand everyone's concern. Hopefully it will do Daryl a world of good to see his Dad in a couple of weeks as well, and Craig has tried to help that situation from the day it first started by not talking to him SO much online(he calls him a couple of times a week for brief convos) and instead sends him emails. M.

Last year I went home for three weeks, Jerry could only stay for a week of that time. By the end of my trip, although I felt bad for leaving Mom in the middle of her chemo treatments, it felt weird to be somewhere without him or without him close by so that he could share in what was going on. Oklahoma still feels "weird" to me, and I still don't feel exactly like home, but that trip helped me to put things into perspective, in that wherever I was, not having Jerry there would be even weirder than how I felt being in OK.

Long story short, I hope the very best for you both, and hope that this trip will put many things to rest for Craig and he can move on a bit.

Michelle and Craig,
I am rather new her in comparison to a lot of the others who are posting and so I have not been following your situation all along. As a matter of fact I have been sitting here at work reading this thread for several hours now between my tasks at work.
I would like to thank you first and foremost for the thread. My husband is not here yet, but I admit that culture shock is a major fear I have. Sweden is so different than the US and I know it will take some time for him to adjust.
As for advice I would have nothing new to add and I don't really believe that you need any new advice anyway. Instead I will offer to simply be here for you as others have. If you need someone to call just let me know and I will give you my number or I can call you if there is a cost issue on your end.
Angel

I think both of you know there are many here that care a great deal about what happens to you both.

Keep us posted. *hugs*

I agree with Rebecca.

Lots of people care about Michelle & Craig.

Hope this trip is what Craig needs. He will miss you Michelle, as you will miss him.

HUGS

Michelle

I hope that Craig has a great trip back to England, and that it helps him put his life in perspective. I am sure that once he is back there he will realise that he wants to be in the US (home) with you, and that all the things he thought he was missing in the UK just dont seem that important when he is there (not Daryl of course).

It sucks that he will not be here for your anniversary, but its better to celebrate it later (when he gets back), hopefully it will be a nicer celebration. Right now with his frame of mind its probably not the best time for him to be celebrating anything.

Dont be a stranger to VJ when he is gone!

When my husband used to come back to the states for his little homesick missions, I used to be very upset, but tried to put things into perspective by likening it to people in the military who are separated all the time.

Good Luck to you both, and I really hope his trip makes your lives more complete once he returns.

OMG Michelle! A month is SUCH a long time! He's going to die being away from you both so long! Make sure you have your LD communications in place - chat, text messages, etc.

I know this is brutally hard on you, but you can make it through this. We are here. Come chat, call, whatever. Hopefully this is a great time for you to have mom/corey time. Time to hug yourself, too.


Daisy

Removed by Dave as I decided I had been a bit hard on a certain poster.

Michelle,

I'm glad this thread exists because it helps me work through some of my own issues as a long-term bad adjuster. Hope things work out for you and Craig despite everything.

And for what it's worth, in my own experience, spending some weeks apart is sometimes helpful for the relationship. It sucks to move from living together to LDR again, but it always made me realize how much I want to be with my husband regardless of where we live. Anyway, good luck!

Michelle,

I pm'ed you yesterday but wanted to say that I hope Craig comes home refreshed and that you can have a wonderful belated anniversary celebration and revitalized reunion. May the time fly by and you and Corey enjoy some together. God bless you all.

Mary

Thanks again everyone. I seem to say that a lot here, but I/we really appreciate you all. We booked Craig's ticket last night..found one for 425.00 total on Expedia, which isn't too bad. He will be leaving March 7th(a week from this coming Tuesday) and staying until April 4th..exactly four weeks.I think he needs this entire time, but my favorite mum and dad in law(they're so great) said if he wants to come back sooner they will pay to have the ticket change. I don't anticipate that, but a really sweet thought, hey? Will check in when there's news. Take care everyone. M & C

Lots of hugs and thoughts are with you two

Wow. Thats seems like a really good deal you got with the ticket.

I imagine Craig is excited to be going home for a visit. Hope he has a great time.

HUGS

Please give Craig my best wishes for a safe trip, as well as some much-needed time to think and arrive at a mutually loving and healthy decision for you both.

Michelle...

God I just dont KNOW what to say. I leave for a few weeks and look what happened in all that time!!

Just know that Im praying for you both. And I wish nothing but the best for your FAMILY. And just remember, even though Craig may be in England for a WHILE... that doesnt take away the FAMILY. You always will be.

Pm me if you need to talk!! Im thinking of you!

Mellie

Michelle,

As so many have already stated, I hope Craig enjoys his trip home and that you BOTH (Corey too) are reunited refreshed and ready to redevote yourselves to being a strong healthy family.

While Craig is gone, please take extra special care of yourself.

Frances

Michelle, ask Craig to bring me back a Chicken Madras, Lamb Rogan Josh, Bombay Aloo, Mushroom Rice, Chapattis, Popadoms and a couple of Keema Nans, I am having severe withdrawal symptoms being stuck in the back end of beyond here and not having had an Indian in 8 fecking months!!!!!

Oh, and a couple of cold Cobras!

Good luck to you both Michelle.

Dave

Best of trips/wishes to my honey..he left a little over an hour ago....he's got a five hour trip by car to the town where my brothers live in southern WI..and the bus stop. He will park the car at one of their houses and then one will take him to the bus stop..another hour 1/2 ride by bus to his terminal at O'Hare and he gets a plane at 9pm tonight..he's going to be exhausted when he gets there. Poor baby. Despite all of our problems, I miss him so much already....He was feeling pretty down about leaving as well and even wanted to push it back a few weeks, but since we got such a good deal on the ticket it was restricted..NO changes, even with penalty..we would have lost the value of the ticket. We even called around midnight to see. Its going to be a really hard month guys...we have our issues, that's for sure(and we're both taking the month to think about our own..)but I love this man so much and I have renewed faith after our talk last night that he feels the same way. I feel utterly miserable this morning, and he did too..but it will be different for him once he finally lands and sees his friends and family...and I know I will be ok in a while..but I'll miss him the whole time he's gone...I can't wait for April 4th to get here...wont' come fast enough!!!!! Only slept 2 hrs or so last night, so feel super tired now, but not sleepy(I'm on spring break this week)...I'm just worried about Craig getting everywhere alright...he's never done this route (by car)by himself, but it's a pretty simple one,so I'm sure he'll be fine..still..I worry. Drive safely, etc etc etc...wish him well everyone...despite everything we can work all through this..I just love him to much not to, and feel for the first time in a while, vice versa. M.

Hi Michelle, I hope that you are coping well with Craig not being there. How is Craig coping back home without you?

you might want to read this....
http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=4946

I sure hope Craig staying home has helped soothe over some of the issues you were having before he left.

Thanks Marilyn, and do look at that link Lisa...and thx for checkin' in!! It was such a sweet thing for him to do...

Tracy, it's been wonderful it really has..the only down thing at all is that we have both been sick(Craig worse than I) He had to ride with the window part way down to stay awake some of the way home that night and woke up the next day with an awful cold that proceeded to flu(sick tummy,etc) Anyway, between us, things are terrific. We will have time to think about things we both have to change when he goes back the end of the month(probably for about 3 weeks or so) but right now things are hunky dory, great! Thanks for askin! Michelle

Sounds very good Michelle other than the family has the flu bug. Take care and hope everyone is well soon.

Mary

Glad to see things are going good Michelle.

You know, I was bored, so I just spend about an hour reading over this post again just from the point that it moved to the new board. It just struck me again how really truly wonderful all of you really are. As I read all your words of support again I just wanted to PM each and every one of you and tell you how nice it was to feel heard and cared about. I hope I can do the same for each one of you someday...and on the other hand, hopefully all of your lives will be so great that you won't need support!! There are very many, most even, of you on this thread that just 'get it' and are always always there. If our computer wasn't so slow right now, and a few other reasons, I WOULD respond to each of you....THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. M. ( C too!)

So glad to see there's" sunshine after the rain" for ya Michelle !!
All the best to you both.
Lily

Well, it's nice that you luv us and that you want to PM everybody, but not necessary....spend your time with your man.....I think that's what all the well-wishers would want! That's how I feel anyway!

Agreed spend your time with Craig and Corey.

Mary

I'm just thankful that you guys have come to a point where the love has come through.... wishing you the best! *hugs*
Lynne

Yeah, I agree with everyone....sod the pm's and just enjoy your family!!!



Way to go Michelle....you all deserve this happiness that you've worked soooo hard for!

Thanks guys! I wasn't actually going to SEND PM's..just that I would have liked to! The thought that counts and all that ..etc etc. Anyway, we are really enjoying our time together, except Craig woke up the day after he got back with a bad cold that turned flu-ey and he's still sick..hopefully will be better soon and we can get "reaquainted" M.

Just a quick update for those of you that follow this thread:

Since Craig came back from almost going on his first trip to England, things have been really great between us..wonderful. There have been a couple of 'moments' but everyone has those..and no real arguements whatsoever..it's really been terrific!!

We have the ticket booked..it's our anniversary this Sunday and Craig is leaving this coming Wednesday morning. He will drive to Beloit, get the bus to O'Hare(about 1 1/2 hrs from there) and then leaves on a nine pm flight Wednesday night. He's going to stay for a month after all. It's going to be a really long month for me, but we both agree that he really needs this. I have always always known how hard this was for him, but I think I'm starting to understand it better every day.

He really feels he will come back with a better understanding of how he really feels about all of this(he stresses not ME, but living here) and has high hopes that he will be refreshed and ready to handle it all this time after seeing how he really feels once he's back. He really needs to go for a month so that it doesn't feel like a vacation, but so he can get a grasp of how it feels to LIVE there again, when things are just normal for him. It's a bit stressful for me, as I realize it could go either way, but I'm hopeful that this will be good as well. I will miss him like crazy, but it will be fine. My mom and I have plans to go shopping around here one day(and there isn't TOO much but we'll find some places!) and my friend Becky from about 1 1/2 hrs away is going to come and stay one night on the weekend, and another weekend I think Corey and I will go up by her for a night or two..there's more to do up that way. Also going to work on our wedding scrapbook and do some sorting out of drawers, etc etc...just going to try to keep busy. Guess that's the best way to try not to miss him SO much(which I will anyway!!) He's also going to call and email, so it's not like we won't be talking!

Thanks everyone once again for your support...it's really meant so much as I guess I reflected in my last few posts!!! Michelle