Hi,
I am not new to this site but I have chosen not to use my real name here as I just want someone to listen and maybe someone to care about my feelings. Some of you may know who I am by my story and that is ok but please if you do keep it to yourself.

Here goes, this is what I am going through and noone seems to care and noone listens. When I try to talk to my fiance he says .. dont start so I am in his country alone and I have noone to talk to about the feelings inside of me.

2 years ago I met my fiance on line, we fell in love, things were fantastic. On line he is so wonderful and so warm and caring and this was something that I needed so badly in my life and I was so pleased that someone like him could fall in love with me. We met for the first time in May of 07, he stayed with me for 2 weeks and it was lovely. He was just as he was online and when he would lay beside me at night and hold me close to him I felt safe and I felt for the first time in my life that things were going to be ok for me. He felt the same. He came to visit again a few months later and stayed for 2 weeks again. It was a little different this time but I thought it was my fears that he was to good to be true. During this visit he proposed to me and I said yes even though something inside was concerned, but I loved him so much that I pushed it aside as fear.

A few months later he came to live with me, things were rough but I do believe this is expected , he became homesic and it was hard for him not being able to work but he had brought some money with him to survive and he was helping me with all the bills etc. The plan was to be married , lawyer said get married and he can stay with you while the paperwork is being done so that was what we started to plan. The night before the wedding he got on a plane and went to his country without a note or anything , just disapeared. The next day he phoned to tell me where he was and we both cried for hours on the phone with each other and he couldnt understand why he did what he did and how he could have been so stupid because now he had overstayed his visa and would have a hard time returning to me. I forgave him even though it broke my heart. I had never felt such pain as I did that day.

6 weeks later I get on a plane, leaving behind nothing to return to. I gave up my home, my two jobs everything that I had worked so hard for. Now I look back and think what did I do? I jumped at love and I didnt think things through, my heart was so hurt that I wasnt thinking clearly.

I have now been here with him for 4 months and this is what is happening. He isnt the same, he isnt loving to me anymore. He has settled down into our relationship and is comfy and I know this isnt a bad thing but it still leaves me scared that he is going to do the same thing to me and just kick me out of his life again without notice. I know this is fear talking and I wish I could talk to him about it but when I try he just gets upset as he is still so upset with himself on what he did.

The changes that have started to happen are as follows. He always hugged me all the time and lots of kisses for no reason at all. that has stopped , he always sat and talked with me for hours , that has stopped, he always held me all night in bed , that has stopped, now he rolls over and snores lol. He comes home from work and gets on the pc until bedtime, I see the back of his head alot , yes I know I met him online so yes he is a puter person but some time with me would be nice once in a while. When I say this to him he gets upset and says can I do anything right for you.

Then there is the ex wife and the mother in law.... best friends them to are so I hear about her alll the time and that is ok as I do understand they are family. I am not allowed to be with him when he picks up his son as this may upset the ex. when she calls and needs something he jumps to help without even talking to me about it. This I have to learn to accept and let it go as it causes to many fights. I miss him, I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I dont know how to fix it.

Last night I said I love you to him and he replied * do ya * as a joke and I just smiled at him but inside I needed to hear the words I love you too. He use to say it all the time and now it is only when I say it to him and then only sometimes will he say it.

Now alot of you will probally think ... run girl , but remember that I do love him very much and I do believe he loves me its just that he isnt showing it like he use to. Yes I am old enough to know that things do calm down in a relationship and you do settle in. I have lived my life with men that was cold and when I met my fiance I thought those days were gone. Is this just the way it is? Is this the way relationships are suspose to go? Is this normal ?

Ok I have had my say and I do feel better for getting it out.. Thanks for listening ... hugs

You already know the answer.

Oh, dear, am so sorry you are going through this all!

IMHO, you should talk it out with your SO. If you continue keeping all those feelings inside, you'll just be getting more and more depressed. See if you two can work it out! I sincerely hope so!

Normal



Normal



Normal



Definitely normal

Welcome to the reality of relationships after the initial honeymoon period, luv.

Well first I'm so sorry to hear that.
why did he leave you the night before the wedding?
did you ever talk to him about that ? did he tell you good excuses about it ?? if not why you forgave him?

you are hearing about his ex wife and you think its ok but its not ok at all . why he still talking about her ? and you are not allowed to be with him when he picks up his son cause he cares about his ex wife he should care about you and about your feeling more than his ex. i think that hurts to not be allowed to be around his son.

you say ( i love you) to him and you waiting for his reply and he asked you do ya??? i think if he didn't say i love you too it means one thing ( he doesn't !!!!)

he doesn't show you any affections anymore no kisses no hugs and you just see his back on the bed!!! it doesn't sound like love at all .

you have to think about your question? do you think he will kick you out of his house? and it will be so hard for you this time . and i think you answered that question when you say Now alot of you will probably think ... run girl .

if you love him this much so give him another chance and try to talk to him to find out whats going on. and if you feel it will not work out good so i think you better go back home before he kick you out of his house .

my best wishes for you

It sounds to me like you're too paranoid, and as Damian P sort of iterated, expect this honeymoon phase to continue. If this is all you want, may I suggest having a new man every year or two and starting this process over again.

That's the reality many don't understand about long term relationships, and that is, the excitement eventually DOES go down to normal limits. A lot of those extra things one did that perhaps consumed a lot of extra energy aren't done anymore, and the basis of things turn from the exciting things to the every day things, and one should expect there to be flare, but nothing even remotely the same as when the relationship was in it's "introductory period". You're there every day with the person because through the monotony of life the love you have is undying, and just being next to the person is all that matters. If two people are in love, the rest fell, and continues to fall, in place. The one thing that's still there is effort and caring, but it seems after all this time you expect things to stay the same as they "were" and are not adjusting to the way things are "now".

Of course, this is just based on what you've said. I don't know everything else that's going on.

Exactly right, SRVT. I was trying to inject a little dry humour into my post, but the basis of it remains the same: passion, no matter how intense at first, always subsides after a while. It's then that you find out whether or not the actual foundations on which the relationship is built (hint: compatibility) are sturdy enough to sustain it. Much as I hate to say it, an awful lot of the couples on this site are gonna find that out the hard way.

Not trying to be a doom-monger, just saying it like it is.........

The honeymoon phase does eventually wear off as you settle into real life. However, some of that you mentioned is extreme. I agree that you seriously need to sit down and talk with him. I believe if you don't tell someone how you are feeling, it is your problem as they cannot possibly know what you are feeling until you tell them. Once you tell him, if things do not improve, then you need to make some decisions as to if this is how you want to live the rest of your life or not.

I am sorry. I am sure you had high hopes and things are not panning out.

I wish you the very best in finding what you truly want.

Things can change a little as you become comfortable in day to day life with each other. An extreme change would be what I would question. The key is are you happy? The only person responsible for your happiness you. The people we share our time with can add to our happiness but we are in charge. No matter how much you love a person if they are not giving you the same in return it is hurtful. A true relationship is suppose to be equel on both sides. The only way you will fine out if your relationship is true is to sit down with the person you consider your partner and ask questions.

I wish you the best of luck!!

I take a different stand as I don't think any of that is 'normal'.... and I was married and very much in love with my first husband for 20 years. Sure, things change but hopefully for the better... my love grows...not diminishes. Of course, my life has taught me to take nothing for granted...so I don't.

It's a problem when your spouse/partner doesn't care how you feel or listen to what you're saying. True, some people just like to complain and nag..and that can be a bit much, but that doesn't sound like what you're doing. Is it? Is that what's turning him off the important discussions you're wanting to have?

If you dont do anything it will continue to build up in you (hence your posting under a different name for advice ) and it will get even worse and you'll be deeper into it.

You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be loved. You deserve to get back what you give to this relationship. We're not there and we're only hearing one side but it sounds like only one of you is fighting for this.

People want different things from life. Some people are content with just a few words or a peck on the cheek here and there. No real communication or care... just someone to share their life and the bills with. Very much like you, I want to crawl into the arms of the man I love at the end of the day and for everything else to just be ok. Like you, I want that one person I know I can depend on any time.. no matter what. I wouldn't settle for less because I know how important that is.... sounds like you feel the same.

Anyway, I have no real advice except to say that if he doesn't listen to you now... well, thats not going to change just because you want it to. Don't let him take from you what you know you want and deserve for your life.

mbk

This I think any rational person should expect (being a sappy romantic person I can't go a day in the same HOUSE as a loved one without being them hugs). But it sounds to me like the OP wants something relative to the first year or two of a relationship and they seem overly bothered by what should have been expected, and that is the original flare to die down. Sometimes it's a slow and gradual change, sometimes it's a pretty quick shift.

Unless this person is displaying behavior that would be indicative of not appreciating her, taking her for granted, the usual stuff that really has no place in a relationship at all, everything she said about snoring, less kisses, etc. is something to be expected coming down from the honeymoon phase.

To the OP, if you have problems with something, merely talk to him. And because he's a guy, if talking to him does not work, kick him in the balls. Some learn by words, others by pain. If he's a good husband, he does that thing called 'listening', which is something you should have picked up on while in the relationship all this time.

I'm personally the type to where if I even have a remote problem with something I talk about it. Get it out of the way. I also got my SO used to this as well, even though in her last relationship she couldn't do it because of the other person telling her to shut up and stop whining. Let that person get used to you vocalizing things. That's the only way people adjust to each other, and communication is e-ssen-tial. So if you're not saying anything, most certainly expect nothing to change if something is really going amiss.

I'm with KimandRuss... I think a lot of the above posters were far too flippant, and dismissive, of someone who is really hurting, and not just over imagined slights or issues... OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I don't think the level of change you're talking about is normal either... of course, every person is different, and of course things settle into everyday ways and they're not always as exciting as they were at the beginning, but it sounds like he's not even considering your needs... that alone is a problem; if you're in a partnership and your partner isn't considering you and your feelings, that's not 'normal', however much people want to tell you it is!

You need to talk to him... I don't know him, so I don't know how receptive he'll be to hearing what you have to say, but it doesn't sound like he's going to change on his own. That may just be because he genuinely doesn't understand how he's coming across, and/or doesn't realise how things have shifted and how you're feeling about them, or the problem may be deeper... however, the only way you're going to find out is to ask him.

All the best

Normal

The guy also locked himself in the bathroom when they'd have an argument and would stay there for hours.

I think he redefined "normal".

As long as he took a newspaper in there with him, then that definitely comes under the "normal" parameter!

This guy is my hero.........

Change after the honeymoon is over is normal but to what extent?

OP, have you talked to your SO? It is not easy for the USC to understand what you went through. He is probably also adjusting to married life himself. The first several months was really rough for us too. My husband was used to being single for so long & I was homesick. And it was getting closer to Thanksgiving & Christmas, I was being "resentful" about him seeing his family all the time & I did not have the same opportunity. It was a riot

I personally do not like the part that he does not want to upset the ex. There was a reason that that person becomes ex and she just need to learn that he is now married to you.

Good luck & hope things are getting better for you.

You've still got unresolved issues because he ran out on you.

You need to work through that before you can go any further.

I am terribly sorry this is happening

I do not think love should dimish at all. You been there 4 months and it has happened already??

I can MAYBE see this happening 20 years down the road but NOT 4 MONTHS!!
I know many who still flirt, kiss, flirt you name it ...10 to 20 years later and you are saying 4 months!!

First off I think you know that you should have NOT have packed your stuff and left to be with him. HE LEFT YOU AT THE ALTER!! This my dear means he got cold feet and did NOT want to marry you!
It sounds to me (and forgive me if I sound harsh) are co Dependant. YOU can LOVE someone ALL you want; BUT when someone does that to you it is a sure sign that when the going gets tough HE WILL RUN.

Lets say you got pregnant??? Will he run then??? I think he might.
If you two get into an argument is he going to scream TO INTENSE MUST BAIL??? Yep I think so.


I been in your shoes and I was left after 10 years with 2 kids, no job experience and mentally broke on top of having no real money to even get a roll of toilet paper!!

Married life IF you REALLY are truly in love will not do what he is doing. I am thinking he feels obligated..OR he knows you do not have a way to get out.

I am sorry it happened to you but knowing he left you at the alter and loving him so deeply. IF he really loved you SO much, he would NOT have done that and in my eyes THIS is unforgivable...love or no love.


Then the issue of the ex wife...YOU should be allowed to go with him to get his son. After all YOU are a part of his life. It sounds to me he still has feelings for his ex Hun!




THEY ARE NOT FAMILY...THEY ARE NOT HIS FAMILY...so NO I do not understand. YES I do understand he must get along with the mother of his child, BUT to hang out with her and her mom is out of the question when YOU are in the picture. HE has a cruel way of thinking or showing you he loves you. He lacks RESPECT of you by not including you on any trips or visits with these past folks.
What does he plan to do..Call you his MISTRESS?? (sorry hun...he sounds like a fool to me)
When she calls he RUNS to her..WAKE UP GIRL!!!



You do NOT have to accept this...THIS is UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR! WHO cares if she gets upset! I am sure he would be LIVID if you invited YOUR ex and said hey going to see the ex and have dinner and a movie! COME ON!

Does the EX even know you exist????? Have you met her or talked to her on the phone?? I can bet you the reason WHY he does not want you to go is he is probably seeing the ex ( talking from experience as my ex husband did the SAME thing)





This tells me (I read it to my family here and to Kai and they all agree) He does not love you 100% maybe 20% more like a good friend. Sweetie I seriously think this man is not worth the time and if it were me I would pack my crap and leave.




My relationship with Kai is not this way and it was not when he was with me for those months. My moms was not that way, MY best friend who has been married 14 years has not been that way...The list is to long to make!
I think you need to get some counseling and figure out WHY you keep picking this moronic men who use you for a door mat and a thrill...

YES things DO change as the relationship goes along..BUT not to the extent you say unless one is cheating or lost love or interest in the other. THIS sounds like what he is doing ..I am not saying he is ..JUST talking from what I went through Hun.

What I would do is talk to him and if that does not work..then tell him you want to see counseling for you both ( YOU GET TO ALSO and get your self esteem and power back) YOU are not a door mat sugar and YOU do not deserve this!



Best wishes, prayers and hugs going your way!

Meri and kai

I am 100% in agreement with that spot on Mr P. I have to say that the relationship she described was like being with an ex. Gave me the nasty shingles.

Thankyou for all of your replies. I have taken what you have all said and done alot of thinking. Last night I did sit him down and we did have a chat about my feelings and asked what is going on. He listened and then I gave him the chance to explain to me his feelings which he did. He has alot on his mind that I didnt know about. Financially it is hard where I cant work here and he wants to beable to do things with us , go out etc. I am not a money person and never have been. I am happy just sitting on the couch , cuddled up and watch a movie. It is hard for him to have brought me to England and now cant take me to see the sites but oh well, we can do it another time, this isnt a problem but for him it was.

Also he had surgery a month ago and is still hurting alot from it and he explained when he is hurting or ill he does keep to himself alot , I explained that I do understand this as some people are like that and its ok but he should have told me this a month ago so that I wouldnt have thought the worse. As for the ex , we have agreed to disagree on this subject but he has agreed to talk to me about things before he makes a decision and take my feelings into consideration. We also talked about how many of you said this is normal with alot of the things happening and he says its not normal. He also said that he was wrong to make me feel this way and that he is sorry. Yes things do slow down as far as the beginning romance and yes things do get comfortable but it doesnt have to. who has the right to say this is the way it is.

I think back to my grandparents. THey were married for 55 years, they still held hands , they still hugged and kissed and they still acted like newlyweds right up until my gram passed away. I talked with my grandfather yesterday and asked him how they kept that honeymoon feeling alive all those years and he said simple... your gram carried a large frying pan around and if I got out of line she would hit me over the head with it LOL... then he said seriously ... when you love someone as much as he loved my gram it just came naturally , he said the problem with todays people is that it is to easy to let it all go and just become *normal*... He said divorce is to easy and that other women or men are always there to take what you have, so to stop this from happening you have to work to keep the excitement going. He also told me I have a good man here and that I need to be patient with him , my grandfather is 90 years old and a very smart man.. no wonder my gram loved him so much

So I need to relax ... I did find out alot more about his first marriage. His ex didnt show affection, she didnt show love and she didnt like to be close. He lived over 20 years of his life with this woman who was very cold towards him so this is what he is use to. She didnt care if he was on the puter all the time, she didnt care that they didnt cuddle , alls she cared about was that he was taking care of her financially and there in the home. I now understand alot of this that is happening. Yes he loves all the attention I give him and he doesnt want it to stop, maybe he thinks it will in time just like it did with her. I guess we all hold on to the sad things from past relationships.

As far as the person that said I have issues still with him leaving me... Yes you are probally right to some extent.. It did hurt me badly , when I returned home after searching for my car for hours and walked in the door of our home, it was like he had died, all of his things were still there, the pants that he had worn that day was on the floor beside the bed where he had changed to meet me in the city for dinner. This wasnt a planned thing , it just happend.. He got scared and yes he ran and yes he broke my heart , but he deserves a second chance and this I am willing to give. Yes this is still hard for me as I wonder will he do it again, but I would rather go through the pain again then to always wonder what if ?

He is a good person and he does treat me well , no violence what so ever which is nice. I guess I was being silly getting all worked up when I know enough that if you hold things in to keep the peace , if you wait to long a war will happen and this is something that I did , I let it build up inside of me and I let my imagination go wild and thought the worst of it all instead of sitting down and talking to him about it.

After the talk we sat together for hours and just held each other. He said he is sorry for making me feel unwanted and that he does love me very much. This morning he woke me up with a kiss and again told me he loves me and that everything is going to be ok. I will keep those words with me and get through this time... I have learned though that you cant take anything for granted because once you do things will be different sooo I am going to just keep things exciting and enjoy those special moments instead of expecting them.

Again ty for all of your replys.. you guys have been great and I love the honesty that you show, even if its not what I wanted to hear lol...

My favorite saying is this.... Dont live for yesterday as its gone and there is nothing you can do about it... Dont look at tomorrow cause its not here yet and you dont know what it will bring... Live for today because this is in your control

Love to all
CK

I'm so glad you were able to start working things out

I hope this is the beginning of years and years of happiness for you both (and years and years of good, honest communication )

First, sorry to see that you are hurting.

Some people think what you are going through is normal. Others think it's extreme...

I think it could be either. There IS going to be cooling off in a relationship. Sometimes this happens more quickly than with others...the things you mentioned are quite normal for some people.

If I were you I would just think about a few things. How long did you guys live together before he just up & left? If this is the longest time you've lived together, then remember that you are still getting to know one another. 4 months is not a long time at all... and in long distance relationships it can be hard to really get to know someone across the miles (please, no one stone me because of this!). I lived with my fiance for 13 months during our 3rd year as a couple. Let me be quite honest - it was really tough. We went up and down so many hills and rollercoasters that it was ridiculous. I don't want to go into specifics because of the private nature of it all, but we both thought about bailing out of our relationship multiple times. We decided to stick it out and see what happens.. and talked about our problems we were having (well, usually we got really annoyed then eventually we talked, lol) and worked on them. We stayed together because we both really made an effort and because we knew that if we broke up, we'd regret it for the rest of our lives...

Now I can say that I'm very thankful for our 13 months together, even though there were a lot of tears and frustrating times. It gave us the opportunity to go through that pretty much mandatory phase of, "Is this REALLY the right person for me?" and also gave us a chance to see that our relationship works not just for a few weeks at a time, but for longer periods as well. It was also an eye opener for our marriage as well - we know that it'll be tough to readjust to being together permanently, but that we can stick it out.

Okay, now that I've rambled a bunch, let me say that I think you could be in a couple of different situations right now - and only you can really decided which one you are actually in and what you should do. You guys could be like my fiance and I, who went through a very tough time but in the end stuck it out and got stronger from it. It's hard to adjust to life together and 4 months isn't very long..there are bound to be more adjustments on both your guys' parts. If you think this is the case, then talk to him and tell him how you feel. Don't jump on his case though, just tell him how you feel and leave it at that. Say something like, "Please just listen to me while I explain to you how I feel." then I'd give it a rest for a while..give him a chance to do something about it or not. In the meantime, also up the amount of your affection... kiss him more often.. suggest doing something together, "Hey, wanna watch a movie?" then sit next to him and non chalantly take his hand or put your hand on his leg...maybe you doing this stuff too will help him to start it on his own..just a thought.

OR you could be a couple who worked well over the phone/internet and for shorter visits, but in the end you guys just have incompatible views on what marriage and being in a relationship really means. This sounds harsh, and I apologize... but that's just how life works sometimes.

Only you two can decide what to do.. if I were you I would definitely have a heart-to-heart with him. And I know how it feels to have something not feel like it's working - like I said, I had times like that. We got through it and are happier because of it...Try to keep your chin up.

P.S. Also wanted to add that I'm also curious why he left the day before your wedding?!? Did he just panic or what?

I'd like to tell you how steel you are trying to swallow this scenario everyday.
I sympathize with you. What I can say is why don't you try to test if your husband still cares for you. ( to somehow lessen the burden of you, keep thinking if he still loves you) Try to talk to him calmly, tell him that you need a little space or time to dig up your self from this filthy situation he is giving you.. Hey! it hurts being treated like this, specially by someone you so love. If he tries to get you back while you are away, then that's a good sign. If he doesn't even call or show a little effort to patch up things, Hun, tell him you'd like to have a divorce. There so much more beautiful things that God is reserving for you.

have a good one!

I don't think it is normal at all. How are you now? Message me if you can ok? Pray, pray pray!

You took the words right out of my mouth....

No way I could deal with this kind of guy....

Yes, things calm down....but there's still gotta be some love there....this guy sounds like all he cares about is everyone else's feelings and not yours!!!

Prepare yourself and follow your instincts...it sounds like you know what they are telling you.

Deb

Talking to each other is whats important, how does your other half know how you feel if you dont talk to him, sounds like he felt like he had a lot of weight on his shoulders and didnt realise what was happening and how you were feeling.
Now you have had this chat maybe u wont b frightened of approaching this again if it does happen, I wish u luck.
As for the ex and mother in law, probably just bitter u have a better relationship than they did, dont give up and show them u dont care bout what they think being happy together will show them.

you should talk to your fiance seriously about in this area. Its more good if he will hear your side coz maybe he doesnt know that you are already hurting. Remember, if you love him.. You have to be straight also to him so that he would know what is in your heart. Regarding with the ex wife... You have to be firm coz you are the legal wife (if ur married) and he should not be ashamed that his ex wife might see you or what. Days will pass and he has to face that and so are you.

Be straight, talk to him. Nothing to lose if u do that. At least you did your part.

good thing that you talk to him about that... and about the grandpa, yes he is right.. people nowadays are so easy to let go of the people in their life.. i dunno how they handle that, but for me, thats totally stupidity. Changing husbands and wives as well with their pu$$y and c0ck. So eew to me. Seriously, ur grandpa is right. It's our choice......

Just be open to him.. thats the key. Communication.

His ex wife is too much high maintenance as i can guess... thats why he left her. And now that he found you, make a change!

GOD bless =)