Just wondering if anybody knows if Wahrania/hanging in there is ok??? About 2 weeks ago she posted and her situation with her husband was a little worrisome. Wahrania are you ok??

I'm glad you asked that. I have been wondering how she is doing too. If she only has access at work, I'm not sure she could even answer us until Monday. Does anyone know how far along she is with her pregnancy?

Yes, an update please, K. We are worried about you.

I didn't think she was that close yet to her due date yet?????

She's getting there. I could call Kathleen but I haven't ever called anyone that gave me their number before coz I'm shy with the phone thing.

I think she has about 1 1/2 to 2 months before she's due?? could be wrong....i hope her and her kids are safe, and her health is ok.

I hope she knows she is missed and being thought about... Wahrania we miss you and hope you are doing well.

I sent her a PM. Looks like she was online just 2 days ago. I bet she's just busy with her habibi being here. Hopefully she checks in.

Olivia, let us know if she answers you. Im a bit worried about her, too.

I think she just disappeared like most do from Vj when their SO's arrive. I've seen it happen and she kind of prepared for that from the signs I saw. Plus she's prego and has health issues so I figured she'd be even busier.

I hope she's okay.

i'm starting to worry about her too.

I still hope she leaves us word that she is fine or at least contacts someone. With the dangers of her pregnancy and the troubles with her husband, she worries me. I hope she knows we worry about her and miss her presence.

I was worried too after the laptop incident she wrote about a couple of weeks ago and I sent her a PM a couple of days ago. She wrote back and said she is OK, just busy and only has computer access at work now.

Oh good. I believe she is due just after JP is due sometime the end of August.

or begining of Sept. I remember she went to see her Husband last Dec and that's when they got preggers.

wow awesome memory... than again I wasn't here in Dec

I'm glad to hear she is okay. I hope she gets a chance to come online soon.

Give ME your number and I"ll take care of that. I have broke many phone virgins

I am doing ok everyone. As you guys all know my husband broke my laptop a few weeks ago because I caught him using spector pro doing some stuff that pissed me the hell off. DO NOT INSTALL SPECTOR PRO unless you are dying to see every freaking thing they do on the computer. Anyway, I said oh well and swept up the laptop and said I guess we dont have the internet,nor do we have skype, etc. He called his mom and she sent money for a good used laptop and it arrived today but I STILL wont use it at home because he wants to look at all my posts emails etc which translates into NO PRIVACY as far as what sites I post on . Its been sucky. Its been hard. He still has not gotten a job. He has however been helping me tremendously around the house as far as cleaning and organizing but its been hard with him not working. I am hoping he goes to a job fair soon. He has said he will start working after Ramadan and his mom has been sending money to help but the point is that I have had a rock hard adjustment and its slowly getting better ( but not a whole hell of a lot) His attitude is he can chat and flirt and do what ever and I cant do a thing and all I can say is sometimes meeting a person online is not the indication of who they really are. I do love him. I am commited to making things work and I know he loves me in his F upped little way but I have had to compromise and compromise and compromise without a lot coming my way. The baby will come in about 5 weeks. I am due in 7 but I am getting induced. I am tempted to ask for September 11th to mess with his head ( ok that was compppppppppppletely uncalled for) I am just glad I have so many really nice American friends and that my mom has really been nice. My blood pressure still really sucks and I am going weekly to the dr and dealing with all the other stressors but I think all and all I will be ok... Hey guys thanks for wondering where I have been. I am alive LOL

Why do you think he is doing this?

and why on earth would he think this is ok and acceptable behavior?

I dont think its acceptable and I dont accept it and its at the point that I am at the end of my rope. I am 5 weeks from delivering our baby, working full time, taking care of a disabled 3 year old and at my wits end. Policing his internet activity which I havent had the internet for several weeks now is the least of my worries. I did not know my husband well enough and certainly did not know about his lifestyle in the years before we got married. I know he loves me. Thats NOT the issue. In some groups of people , not mine I am telling you, its ok to chat on the internet and talk and communicate with women as "friends". Just not my circle and if I did what he was doing, he would leave me for sure. Its kind of hard to work all day and then look at screen shot after screenshot ( from the spy program) of people he had been talking to... none of it "romantic" but still..... its offensive to me PERIOD. I dont think its cool and I havent carried on opposite sex chatting like he has. I am insulted hurt and broken up about it and wondering if I should end my marriage over it

Could be a variety of reasons.

1.He is bored at home and not working.
2.He was habitually unfaithful to me both online and offline when he was in his home country ( dont have conclusive proof)
3.He doesnt love me and he is simply using me for a greencard and has absolutely no respect for me as his wife or our marriage
4.He has no reason other than he just simply wants to

I am very very very hurt and thats alot of the reason I stopped posting much about him and me because I dont think anyone can do anything about it. Either he stops and our marriage survives OR he continues and we end up divorced with him visiting our baby son. Either way , I am unhappy. The new laptop arrived today ( its used) I am going to install spector pro and just not check it for like a week and see what he does. If he does the same stuff again, or even worse, I will think about leaving him. I can t live like this

I wish you the very best of luck, Katherine. This is no easy position to be in.

So you'll be unhappy even if he does stop?

I guess I'm not sure what kind of chatting he's doing. You said it's not romantic. So is it like hanging around in OT here on VJ and having conversations with multiple people, some of whom happen to be women? Or is it like yahoo chat or something?

A good friend of mine had some problems with her husband and the internet when she was pregnant (not a MENA relationship btw). She found really inappropriate and pornographic type chats with one particular woman - and it was more than cybersex, there was emotional stuff involved as well. They made it through it, but I can't for the life of me figure out how he could have done something like that because in spite of all that I really do think he is a good guy.

I know this isn't the only issue though. I'd put off making any big decisions though until after the baby comes. You don't need the extra stress of a blowup at the moment.

I love him. It just does not feel fair. We have some real happy times. He has some good qualities its just he lived a really wild life not paralleling the average north african guys lifestyle/.// heavy into the rai clubs and girls etc....He has had to adjust into a sedentary lifestyle. There are so many things I want to say online. I am going to wait till the baby is born and how things unfold. I know he loves and wants this baby as well as loves my 3 year old. Whether we will stay together remains to be seen. We are also at different stages of our lives. I am 41 . He is 30 and he loves to party. Our looks are pretty equal right now ( I am still reasonably attractive but it makes me wonder as I age if he will take his online garbage out into the world.) There are just so many things working and things not working. All I can do is take care of my kids and keep their life as stable as I can and work and try to get things done. I am saddened by everything... even broken hearted in many ways. We did not know each other

There are other things. He said that when he starts working he will give me 500 dollars a month and send the rest home to his country. I cant live on that little especially with a new baby coming. The sad reality is he married me to better his and his families life, in my opinion NOT to stay here permanently and most likely sees the baby as a mistake. I have already told him the baby will not go out of the country without me PERIOD.... as he mentioned taking the baby back to visit his family. I am very torn up inside and I feel like my red flags have become blankets I cover myself up with.

Then he goes and buys me flowers and cleans the whole house while I am at work and cleans my closets.. then turns around and hurts me again.,.. I cant really ask any of you what you would do cause I already know whats going on

Kat,
I hope that you are able to seriously evaluate your situation and figure out what is best for you and your kids. If you highly suspect he is here for the money and not the marraige, I hope you will not let him get away with the green card. I hate people who do that.
I wish you the best of luck and a safe delivery. Keep us posted. (and yeah that was messed up what you said about sept 11th but it was still funny)

I have kind of resigned myself to the marriage ending. I really do love him. Last night he started talking about how all his uncles and his dad had multiple wives. I stared at him in disbelief. He is a womanizer. He played it like he was a religious muslim and that was easy to pull off with him living on another continent. All and all I am just sad from all of it. Period

He already has his conditional greencard and his id and social etc. Its awful hard to prove exactly that he is using me for papers, especially when he has packed his bags several times and wanted to go home. ( I know the whole September 11th thing is messed up ... but so is all the crap he is doing> I was thinking about hiring the marines to do a gun salute in front of my birthing door... like hey girl we got your back. I just feel so sad but the positive thing is that my kids ( my son and little girl) seem to be doing really ok and are very happy about school starting. If he wants to perv on the computer or even leave me, its better I deal with that reality now than later. I have a new baby coming who means the world to me and a 3 year old little girl in therapy 3 times a week and ESE classes starting in the fall. I cant pay alll my attention to pervert over there and all the internet romances etc. I am horrified at what he s doing. There are so many things wrong on so many levels but I have got to deal with things one thing at a time. I cant get mad about him sending money home. For christs sake, he hasnt even gotten a job yet for me to be mad about. He has NO CONCEPT about how much things cost nor does he see anything really wrong with telling a married woman in Canada that shes so beautiful and hes a rose for you my cherie.. God I wanna hurl

Sometimes when we resign ourselves to the marriage ending we look for things to support it and believe those things. Have you confronted him about his online activity with other women and the consequences that it has?

Have you told him,"Look you're 30 with a baby on the way it's time to grow up now coz you're married with responsibilities. You have to get a good job and help support your family. Who do you think you're kidding behaving this way? I don't want to check what you're doing online all the time with who knows what. Some of your activity is betraying this marriage and it's unacceptable. As you're Wife I am asking you to stop this and be a Husband or we're ending this marriage and you're going back home."

There is so much more I want to post and talk about but I think I will wait till the baby gets here and see how things unfold. I think Jenns advice is correct. I am kind of not a point where I can handle big blow ups. I have super high blood pressure. things have been calm around the house for the last couple of weeks. I have been real quiet kind of resigning myself to things.. just trying to work and make a living ..

I gotta log off now. See you guys sometime this week. Ill have the laptop at home but I wont be on the site till I am at work

Cheers-

I dont know exactly what you are going thru, but my heart goes out to you and your kids. I found some online activity with my husband also a few months back and cornered him on it and the excuses are just, well lets put it this way, it really makes you stop and re exam your marriage and wonder did they marry you for their green card or what? I hate thinking that way. But there are times i just can't get it out of my mind. My prayers are with you girl!! I hope things change and get better for you espeically with a baby on the way!

I'm starting to think that a part of the SO's do marry for greencards to better their lives and the lives of family members at home, but it's not the only reason. They may love their partners, they may want to support their partners as well and be with them for a long time but they need the greencards to do it.

Dear Wahrania:

I'm glad to hear that your still with us. Please take care of yourself and the baby.

Best of luck to you.

Tina

Oh Wahrania,

As I read further and further, I feel so sad by your situation. You are on an emotional rollercoaster! Some of the things you mention that he says/does shocks me. That he'll pay you $500.00 per month and send the rest to his family, etc. It boggles my mind.

The question is: Does loving him and putting your feelings at the mercy of his actions jeapordize your health and mental wellbeing?

I am simply worried.

Tina

ya think???

I'll never understand why you older women bring these immature children over here, when you know that they only want a green card and a job to send money back home.

Anyone who cant accept the responsibility of being a father needs some serious help.

It goes for all cases not just here. Pst... I'm the same age as my Hubby.

Dear Desert Fox:

What's this "You older women..." comment about?????

What about all the old men who bring young women over (Thailand, Phillipines, etc come to mind).

Even saying that, age disparity is not always a "red flag" of marriage fraud.

Ya Think????

Its always a red flag....

Old men that bring those young women form se Asia have the same prob from what Ive seen.

Not so.

I was married to my first sponsored husband (8 years my junior). We were married for 8 1/2 years (after he gained citizenship) before I DIVORCED HIM. We grew apart, that's all. And even then, after divorce, we stayed together for a while and he wanted to get married again.

Well, you're Nutty!!!

Oliva I agree with you on this, in respect to marrying to better their lives. I have scene this in many situations that are not just about green cards, like a couple who marries so its easier for one to go though law school or medical school while the other works or marrying to combine income together to have the things you want in life. Love is part of it too but so is it to make your lives better and your family.

There are 100's of thousand USC that need some serious help on this matter for not taking responsibilities for their own children.

Very well put, Olivia - to be brutally honest I feel like this is Govi's motivation/feelings. I know especially after this past visit that he truly does love me, I feel like I can go through with bringing him here and not have the trust issues that I had last year and yet I know that he needs to help his family in Nepal by living and working in a developed country - why else marry an older woman at the end of her potential reproductive life when you come from such a family-centered culture? Still deep in my heart I feel like I can trust him - if we are financially able to support kids in a few years we can always adopt. His family is deeply religious, all vegetarian from birth, non-drinking, from their words and actions followers of 'ahimsa' so I could not see him doing something that would hurt me so much like doing a GC dash. Still I would be Cleopatra Queen of Denial if I thought the opportunity to work in America had nothing to do with his decision to marry me.

Wahrania
im sorry i know its a bad time in ur life right now ur stressed on so many levels.....my prayers are with u and im trying to send u happy thoughts i know u have a lot to deal with right now.......i have not been thru what ur going thru yet and i have to say ur a much better person than i am ........i dont know if i could have contained myself in ur situation.....but u got a lot of love and support here on this board if u ever want it from so many of us to help u get thru what ever u decide to do.........
sara

Kat you are in my thoughts. Do you have family or friends you can turn to at this time? Someone who can help you out with the 3-year old? Someone who can help a little with some of the bills? I am just so worried for you and your baby with all this stress. Your health is really important.

Ignore desert fox, s/he just likes to stir the pot. This thread is about Wahrania and supporting her.

Wahrania,

It is super stressful getting pregnant or being pregnant after your SO comes, we were pregnant 2 1/2 months after my husband came and he only got his work permit 3 weeks before our son was born. I also had a 1 1/2 year old when he came. It was suuuuper stressful and he was sooo depressed and I was so emotional. He was 21 when he came and I was 20 so age is really not an excuse. There are times when I have had to remind him regardless of his age he is no longer a child and he has a family and children. The sending money home issue has come to rear its ugly head a few times. However we have compromised and budgeted in $300 a month that gets sent to his family. This might sound like too much (trust me I second guess it too) BUT we had to compromise or it would be a constant battle. Not to mention that his brothers and sisters abroad (3 of them) all do the same thing to help the 6 in Morocco. Don't resign yourself to divorce yet, people handle adjustment different ways and I think it's way too early to know what will come. My husband has been here almost 3 years now and we still have our funks and issues. Wait to see what will happen when the baby comes. If you want to chat anytime feel free to PM me.

Get this.... I married my first husband at 19 because he was in the service and it had better benefits if we were married...... I was young and stupid I know did it better our lives yep... more money more support and Pssssst NO GREENCARD was involved. So it happens all the time for whatever reason I am SICK and tired of hearing this...

Sorry guys tired... just tired

I u, Rajaa.