Salaam everyone,
Hope this post finds you well. i just wanted to share the good news and ask for a little insight...
Habibi arrived 4 days ago via JFK... Alhamdulilah. He passed through immigration and customs no problem, got the work stamp, and everyone was really very nice to him. I am so thankful for that...

We are getting settled and i'm so happy he's here... but it's really hard. We are bickering all the time (mostly about $$ and his smoking, which is about his health and more $$), and i find myself asking if we will really be able to do this? It's not him... he's my Habeeb (except for the excessive smoking habit that somehow increased over the past year ) (i don't mind a few here and there), it's me... i'm the one taking issue with everything, and i'm starting to doubt that i'm even cut out for marriage. It's only been 4 days... is this normal for 4 days? i thought we'd at least have "honeymoon period".

i'm quite upset and find myself sad a lot of the time... and that can't make anything easier for him... he traveled a million miles just to be with me.


hz

Congrats on your hubby getting here and I definitely understand the smoking issue... Adam smokes and makes me soooo worried for healths sake, then the $$ factor too... I think its a normal feeling for you bcz you seem (like I did kinda) to expect him not to smoke or smoke so much when he got here and surely hes seeing a new life here and that stresses him so he smokes more... I think its normal but ya'll gotta talk about it and you be honest and share you feelings with him... but dont expect him to change his smoking factor over night ! but again, I think its normal please take care and dont over stress!

We are getting settled and i'm so happy he's here... but it's really hard. We are bickering all the time (mostly about $$ and his smoking, which is about his health and more $$), and i find myself asking if we will really be able to do this? It's not him... he's my Habeeb (except for the excessive smoking habit that somehow increased over the past year ) (i don't mind a few here and there), it's me... i'm the one taking issue with everything, and i'm starting to doubt that i'm even cut out for marriage. It's only been 4 days... is this normal for 4 days? i thought we'd at least have "honeymoon period".

i'm quite upset and find myself sad a lot of the time... and that can't make anything easier for him... he traveled a million miles just to be with me.


hz[/font][/color]
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You guys need time to settle into a groove first...I think everyone goes through this...you are NOT alone. They move to be with us....have a new life here...leave all their family behind and are so stressed out as well. It's so hard...don't sweat small things...take it one step at a time... Get thru settling in and the new life, finding a job, then concentrate on other things...smoking habits, cleaning, etc. Money is a big stress so best of luck to you but take a deep breath and know that things will settle down...keep your head up!

Congrats on your husband's arrival - at least you got the waiting part behind you.

I'm sorry that you are getting to this rough start. It's not easy for either of you and I'm sure that you will find your "groove" pretty soon. I might not be the best person to give you this advice as my relationship is far from stellar but I believe that things do get better with time. Be good to yourself and try to be patient with your husband - believe, I know that it's not easy as even now 2 years down the road I am still questioning if I am made for marriage...
The first months are the hardest as the adjustment is happening on both sides. I hope that you will find your peace and that your relationship will improve with time.

Sorry I can't provide more words of wisdom - just my personal experience. ((((HUGS))))

Dorothy

consider also if you were used to living alone, this point alone can be stressful

Excellent point

The first couple of days (even weeks) can be really tough. . .my husband has been smoking a bit in his first couple of weeks ( and normally he doesn't smoke at all.)

Remember that it is much more stressful than we expect for them as new immigrants. My husband was born in Pakistan but is a Canadian citizen AND has lived in my city before, and it is still causing him to be a wreck!

For him it is the uncertainty of working or not being able to find a job, and for those first few days they spend almost all their time with us, which can be an overload. . .and is probably contributing your your emotions right now. You also mention money problems which probably heightens both of your stress levels too.

Take a deep breath and give it a little time. . .every day is a decision. From the sound of your message, you really love him, living together just takes a bit of time to get used to when you first get started.

Good luck! I hope things get better soon. (especially with the smoking. . . .that's getting on my nerves too!)

Well ~ I really can't offer any advice other than remember that Allah is with you both during this transition period

I think for them it *can* be a double whammy of not only the whole immigration but loss of thier place in the world... which is very stressful. No matter how your Dh acts, he has grown up with certain social and cultural expectations to which he has more or less conformed to the best of his ability. He moves here, and not only is he alone and surrounded by a weird language, different music, etc, but he known no one except you, a girl, and his family is not just there for him always. his network of support is missing. He may have little experience with adjusting to this kind of thing before. he may also be facing the shock that he cannot fulfill the roles which he grew up with at the moment, and his gender issues can come out-- I know it has been hard for my husband at time and for other women's husbands whom I knew becuase they felt that they were not able to adequately "be men" as it were-- work, support, be independant, be a leader. I'd also like to stres that is also jsut plain being an adult as well-- imagine if you were sequestered in a strange country where you couldn't even figure out where the grovery store was and didn't drive, didn't have your own place, didn't have your oown stuff... you'd be pretty frustrated after a while.

It can be stressful for you because you are used to having things in a cerain social order yourself and this new person not only is intruding on your order, but he is likely not acting as you envisioned. Don't worry about it unless it turns very negative-- such as violent, etc. Adjustment is hard and varies from person to person. Some epople have a very smooth adjustment-- I know my husband and I were kind of tense for 2-3 weeks but then we calmed down and were fine.. but... he got a job the second week he was here and also he had lived apart from his family before for 4 years when he went to college.

Excellent post as usual Julianna, and also great advice.

I agree with Nagi - Julianna, you have some great insight on the subject

I should never type without my contacts lol.

I hope no one gets in a bunch over the cultural and gender issues... it applies to everyone. As an American woman, I have certain ideas as to what I *should* be doing that makes me a woman and how things should be at home, and how a man should act, and all of those things. These do vary person to person within a culture, but there are some over-riding stereotypes we do all hold to in a somewhat cohesive nature as a culture.

Culture, defined anthropologically, is a set of beliefs and adaptations in relation to the environment which helps you to survive. An example of this would be placing your houses on stilts in a high-mosquito area and keeping your animals below your home as "traps" as it were. Eventually, this is just considered normal and the reasoning behind it can be lost. Another example would be to have an extremely cohesive family network in an arid area-- environment dictates you need to have good relations with others as agriculture, pastorialism, etc are on the brink of existence at any one time. You need help to survive and being alone can be disasterous. You need to keep track of family as they will help you and you will help them. This can become a really, from our perspective, suffocating culture of always bowing to public opinion-- but it was a necessary survival tactic at one point.

Our culture used to be what we term as "traditional" at this point: that the woman stays at home while husband works. Our culture evolved so that now many women work and people share household chores... but we still know about and accept as relatively normal the idea of someone staying at home-- even if culturally some people may belittle the idea or praise it, depending on their personal stance. It is a recognizable cultural norm. Pit that against something that is "not" or "outside" the norm, which we consider "deviant" on a cultural (not necessarily individual) basis-- like polygamy. Doesn't matter that it is the prefered form of marriage across the world (although monogamy is the MOST practiced form-- there is a difference, many societies place restrictions on polygamy that one must obtain in order to graduate to that step).... on a cultural whole we do not approve. You can further pit that against the cultural acceptability of mistresses we have-- and you come up with internal inconsistencies. this is all normal for how cultures work. We may frown upon the idea of a mistress and many people dislike it, but it is something familiar that we know about and do not tend to regulate at the over-riding legal level.

Our SOs have a cultural set of norms they grew up with-- whether they differ from them or not, personally, that is not really the issue. When people are removed from their culture, they tend to grasp at what is familiar and stress out at being removed from what they consider the proper order of the world. Even though your DH may share chores with you (willingly or unwillingly, secret or not) there is a cultural set of norms for chore handling he knows about. There is an idea as to who is "boss" between the two people in a relationship-- her, him, or co-pilots as it were. There is an idea as to what he *should* be doing with his life, his time, his position in the family, etc. He will have a set idea as to how much support he should be contributing to the household.

We all have this, and the problem is being removed from the ability to figure out who you are. You are always defined by more than just yourself. You may think you are the most awesome person on the earth inside-- no definition necessary, but you tend to introduce yourself to other people as having a certain job, being a member of a certain family, being a member of a certain age group, having a certain hobby, etc-- which are all somewhat external to your "self." Imagine walking up to a stranger in a city where you are not from, and then introducing yourself. How will they know "you?" they can't, really, but you'll give a bunch of definitions. I'm married, no children, I work for a lawyer, I'm 31, etc., etc.

Our SOs lose that to a certain extent when they move-- no one here (or very few people) know *who* your SO really is-- as in where he grew up, who his friends are, who his family is, what job he has, degrees, etc. It's how they adjust to this that I think can create a lot of stress-- either they can use this as an opportunity to grow as an individual and create themselves again, or else they can just be depressed about what they lost to come here and try to stay within the familiar. Sometimes, even though someone is very liberal for their own surroundings and culture, they can kind of become more conservative when removed from that atmosphere, as a coping mechanism which is also related to their relative feelings of insecurity. It can also go the other way. People are really individual with their reactions!

We also may get frustrated more because we culturally accept moving and starting over more than many parts of the world. i moved twice as a child, from California to Indiana, then to Nevada, then as an adult I went to college in TN and then graduate school in AR. Lots of Americans do this sort of thing. We have lessened familial ties to more or less be a more nuclear family group, etc to accomodate this. We are not necessarily defining ourselves by a particular neighborhood or village. There are those who do and who definately vary from this standard, but we don't view it as "odd" if you only really know your aunts, uncles, first cousins, grandparents, and have minimal contact with second cousins and beyond. We don't view it as odd if your grandparents live in another state or you have relatives across the country. We don't view it as odd to have a reuniting mechanism such as a "family reunion" where you meet people you're related to for the first time... and who knows if you'll ever see them again. This is a different kind of structure than the extended structure of the majority of cultures where children and parents often live together forever-- sons, for example, will just move their wives into the house (or neighborhood/building, etc) and then there can be a multiple-generational network which can also include unmarried siblings, etc.

I know my own personal problem was that I am admittedly extremely territorial as a personality, and I do NOT adjust to other people very well in my space. I also had this person, who while touching all "my" stuff was not doing what *I* thought he should do. Expectation on our parts is very much a problem. We have a whole imagined "this is how it will be" and then when the reality of the other person arrives-- we have to "adjust" as it were to what we percieve as a "change" which is really just a conflict in our imaginations. He saw me as being extremely impatient (I was) and being somewhat overbearing (probably I was) where I was just trying to teach him things like going to the store (and he wasn't wanting to listen to me at all, he thought he could do it just fine.. btu then would make me do things for him which to me was really frustrating). He spent a lot of time saying "in Jordan we..." and I got sick of it. He was frustrated he couldn't just do whatever he wanted to do-- which were fine ideas for where he was from, but walking on the interstate here just isn't going to work. So, it took some time to get into a routine. Routine was really an awesome thing. It gave him a place for himself, it made a place for him with me, it made a place for me with him... and we have been slowly altering the routine as we go to more suit his expectations of how I should magically clean everything every day(because at this point I'm OK with him touching my stuff, which is all i ever cared about and he gives me total freedom to pursue things I like to do like garden).

He has said to me before "You cannot expect me to forget my life of 31 years before I came here-- that is part of who I am and it makes me, me. I cannot just change my thoughts because that would be changing who I am." I think his statement is really true for everyone.

This is some of the cold academic work-outs though, of this phenomenon. It may or may not apply in any way to indivduals. Everyone is different.

This ends the lesson of cultural anthropology 101. Please insert tape 2 where we will discuss how much I totally want a chocolate bar right now even though I am trying to lose weight, and other psychological issues of "wanting what you cannot have" like wearing the jeans in my closet and these pants I got from JCrew on sale. They are so awesome! When I got them they were just a little too small and now they may as well belong to a doll. Crap!

About the smoking - I wouldn't be surprised if he started smoking more during the waiting period out of stress!! Obviously I am not in your shoes but I know when G gets here I think I will TRY to hold my tongue the first few days/weeks if something bothers me while he is initially adjusting to life in the US. I can imagine how hard it is to leave everything you are used to and come to a new place - it was hard for me coming from Hawaii to NYC 8 years ago!!! I feel you on the $$ issue though - I saw a sign Marlboro $8/pack and I thought what an expensive habit!!

Have you shown him how to use the subway yet? This is one of the first things I will show G - we are lucky in NYC since we don't have to drive everywhere, there is no need to get a DL to have a sense of freedom. Now is the time to go to Central Park, the Statue of Liberty, Coney Island etc while it is warm out. I figure when G gets here I will take some time off so he and I can play tourist...

i hope the bumps in the road smooth out for you, hang in there

Lots of great posts here. I have nothing to add, really, except that there were adjustment bumps for us in the beginning too, and then the honeymoon started.

I agree with all of the posts and Julianna's seemed a lot like what we went through. You have an adjustment period and I believe it can take a longer time for some. When things get a little rough at our home I think well, he gave up everything to come here for myself and his son. How would I feel if I was in his shoes? That in turn changes the way that I feel about our rough patches. When I went there I always knew I was coming home and now he has no idea when that will be.

I would just advise this...when you argue or bicker never attack the character of the other person. Keep the topic of the argument the topic. Do not say you are stupid, curse at each other or insult your husband or his family and say I brought you here or this is mine, mine, mine. Not that this is something that has happened in my household but I have heard of it happening in others and it can make your husband feel like an unwelcomed guest not your husband.

I wish you the best and keep your chin up!!!

These are all excellent posts - I would also like to toss my 2 cents in...my DH came here almost 4 years ago, and we haven't had it easy for anything. Money, jobs, family, household things...it is always something. There will be frustrations on both sides...my husband was a neat freak and I wasn't. I cleaned, but there were some things I would put off until tomorrow - oh no, not him...he won't sit until the house sparkles. I have changed my ways...I might still leave a pair of shoes out, but for the most part I am reformed. He has made concessions for me. It really does go both ways.

One thing though that I have learned...when you argue and you don't like what he said, never, never, never say "Whatever". OOOOOH that just pisses him off - it's like with one single word you just dismissed everything he is about. And in American culture that might be cute and trite...but with someone from a foreign land that $#!T just doesn't fly - what you're saying is I don't respect you or your opinions.

Also, I was very independent before he arrived - he was too. But, when he got here I wasn't prepared for this clinginess. It did go away over time after he adjusted to things. But, I will admit it was just finally last night that he said to me, "When you go to our friend's baby shower in Orlando (he has to work), enjoy yourself. You don't have to race on home...it's not like you have children to come home to - enjoy yourself." I was like, are you for real - where's my husband?

So, in essence, things take time - it could be a few weeks, months, or even years...but if you have faith and believe that God wouldn't have put you through all of this just to fail, you will make it.

Good luck, God Bless, and stay away from any sharp objects.

Hello,
I am sure everything will be fine. I too had my share of fights and arguments due to the smoking factor and it sickened me that I had to spend 4-5 days out of the measly month I was there sitting around feeling pissed because he was smoking infront of me. But I got better and he stopped doing it infront of me. I am sure when he sees how freakin expensive it is, he will reconsider. my thoughts to you is to hold off on the particulars just yet. Believe me I know how it feels to know that they should NOT do something and do it anyway and its just irkingly annoying (because I myself have strayed away from irresponsible acts since marriage).

Why don't you guys go one a romantic date in the late evening, get some good food and some music in the room or a nice walk and talk about everything. I am sure he is just freaked out a little and I would be too if I just came here. But also remember Allah gave your husband to you a lot earlier than he did mine and others, and that is for a particular reason. Use this time to get your communication better and tell him what you want and make it clear to him you are willing to listen to him as well. I sorted many of my issues while my husband was in AP (no visa yet, but AP said to be done) and smoking, money, life choices, kids, etc, was all cleared out visa yahoo messenger over the long 11 months.
Its time for you guys to face reality and yes, some of the mush talk wears away but after he is balanced and feeling secure and stable, he will definately be more understanding and these issues right now will be a thing of the past. Insha-Allah Allah will put understanding in your hearts and your marriage will be a blessed one. We all must pass a rocky time to enjoy the sweet moments of life. Just let some time pass, and we will be hearing your lovely stories of all the fun moments ahead very shortly.

Tammy

I think it is one of those feelings of disappointment after longing for something so much that when you have it, you feel like it wasn't all that after all. THIS is pretty normal especially when you've been away from each other for so long. It doesn't take long for the novelty to wear off.
You guys have to get into a routine of a lifestyle where he's busy in his own stuff, look for work, struggle, whatever. Be apart during the day, come back, enjoy your evenings together, plan outings, vacations, drive to a nearby town and so on.
But a routine is very important where you both work together towards a goal and enjoy the journey together.

Julianna,

Your lecture is quite an eye opener. It's so helpful to have these issues presented from a "scientific" point of view - it does puts things in different perspective. I am looking forward to the next installment of the much anticipated cultural anthropology 101 - keep the lectures going - we all may take away a valuable lesson - I know I did!

Dorothy

Everyone here has some great ideas and advice.

I kind of relate it to how I felt when I would visit him in Morocco. At first it was new and exciting, but after a week I would start to miss home, family, culture, food, etc. By the end of my visit I was fit to be tied. I wanted so much to go home but I didn't want to leave him.

His stess is similar but worse. It isn't a visit, its permanent. I think about how I would feel if it were me in Morocco permanently. I would be so lost!

About his smoking, keep in mind he smoked when you married him. Perhaps when its time for a cigarette you can distract him with something else that will peak his interest. I really am not sure on that one since my hubby quit before we got married. But patience and understanding will help the bickering a lot.

Another thing, does he have enough access to talk to his family back home? My husband was going to sell his computer when he moved here but I convinced him to leave it there for them to have access to each other. I had no idea how wise that was! I think sometimes that is the only thing that keeps him sane on days he is homesick.

My spouse has been here for a month or longer ??? Since the airport we were in honeymoon stage up about until couple of days ago we started having our first fights over stupid stuff. You're not alone and I believe it's sometimes not seeing each other all the time (bz with shool work)/missing the family/new environment/not being able to work all packed into 1. Making up and being friends again is great though Let him go out with your dad or brother any male figure close to u it will give you guys a chance to miss each other !

This is a great idea.

I have been living in a quasi hell since he has been here. It has only RECENTLY gotten better but its still been hard. The smoking WHICH NO ONE HAS EVER SMOKED IN MY HOUSE goes on in a back room with the door open . The culture thing has been one thing after another.. some of his other antics I have talked about. I have had suitcases packed by the door about 3 times. Its not you. Its real. Things are getting better little by little but not before they got really bad in my case. Its day to day for me...but he has made some progress. I had to do ALOT of compromising and catering to survive these past 2 months

i woulda said the same thing. The first few months are difficult. this is where u learn what we meant when we said.."you're gonna need patience, patience, and more patience". Hang in there and muster up some more patience.

amal

I have nothing to add to what the rest said except just take one day at a time. All these adjustments to each other and to each other's way is going to take time to get used to. Kamal and I argue constantly too and its stil taking time for us. I love him to no end and will fight for our marriage. Just remember how much you love each other.

You are going through what I went through the first month.

We all think the seperation is hard and the reunion will be bliss. But reality is that the reunion can be just as stressful with its own set of problems. It's hard after living alone for a long time to adjust to having someone else in "your space" doing things "your way."

My husband is also smoking more and he has high blood pressure. I'm not happy about it either. But I can understand in a way because he is stressing too. So I can imagine this is "nervous smoking."

After one month we are doing better than the first couple of weeks. Getting into a routine.

So don't lose hope.

I'm happy to know you are doing ok. Just take care!

Hi Everybody,
Thanks so much for your supportive and insightful comments... i've been checking back in now and again, but just now got some time to write.
Yes, i tried to prepare myself as best as i could for his adjustment, but i guess i totally took for granted my own adjustment... we shared a space before, but it was different in Morocco, i guess because the stakes were different. i am having a lot of anxiety now i think because the thought of being financially responsible for someone else is really stressful for me. Sure, i thought i was prepared for the challenge, and i tried to organize my finances accordingly, but now that reality has set in, it feels very overwhelming...

and then of course, i hate being a person who worries about money!

On a happier note, Habibi is doing really well, despite the craziness of adjusting and the craziness of his wife . He's learning the NYC subway system, which is no small feat as Patti can probably tell you...! He's signed up for English classes next week, and he's started to take walks by himself in the neighborhood to clear his head, so i think those are all very good things, no?

Lastly, we made a no smoking in the house rule, and it seems to be holding...

Anyway, thanks so much for the ideas... i'm going back to work tomorrow, so i'll probably be posting again... this time with "separation anxiety" issues.


hz

This is a great idea, i think!

i mentioned him going out with my dad, but he has been a little resistant to it... maybe he is being a little timid, or macho?

(although, he is a little scared of my pop, too... i'll keep thinking)

Maybe he is timid about his English. I know my Dh was scared about that kind of thing, although he really likes being around my parents and was much more comfortable after he met them (he first met them when we stayed there for a week-- so it was a crash course introduction).

This has been really such an excellent thread/posting –I don’t usually have much to say although I come here very often to read and learn. My husband has been here with me for 11months now from Algeria, and it has not been anywhere near bliss –many many times, the adjustment has been literally so bad –both for him and for me as many of you have posted here. If anyone would have told me that my life would become a living hell, I would have never belived it in a million years.

I love him with all my heart and soul and have invested a great number of years in proving my loyalty to him but the treatment I have received from him these past few months has devastated me again and again. I keep questioning myself as to why or how I deserve this mental and emotional abuse? I keep telling myself that he has been experiencing the culture shock and that all points mentioned here in this posting regarding him being away from his family; losing his network of support. Etc etc all applies well in our case too.

There are good days yes, but the bad days have far surpassed the good ones to say the least. I try so hard to please him; and keep viewing our relationship as me totally giving and him totally taking –there seems to be not even an effort of appreciation. I have bent over backwards as all of you have done –trying to think of ways to make him more comfortable and at ease, encouraging him to always be in touch with his family –trying to adapt and learn his cuisine as best as to my ability –the list goes on and on and on… Who else worked diligently night and day trying to find him decent employment ? Who else designed and created his resume from an almost impossible translation so that people could understand over here? Who else chased after suitable jobs, over and over?? Who else in the dead of a cold winter, every single night would go and pick him up in freezing Canadian winter weather so that he wouldn’t have to take the bus home? This is in addition to the full time plus employment that I do just to make sure I can meet financial obligations per month.

I am aware that so many of them. Psyche wise –go from being the little prince over there –or a real someone –to basically a no one, when they first come here-this is all part of the cultural and adjustment period that every immigrant goes thru, I am sure –and its part of the spouse’s adjustment period too naturally –but sometimes, it is so very very hard and hurtful –I could elaborate point by point of what he does and doesn’t do; what I do and don’t but it has all been repeated and experienced here by so many of you on the forum –so I wont.

Now 11months later –I just cant say yet if I feel it has gotten any better –REALLY GOTTEN ANY BETTER –because he still seems to go into his drastic mood swings –and here in Canada , I am legally responsible for him for the first 3 years –if he ever left me and went on welfare of social assistance of any sort, I would have to pay the government back –which would totally ruin me financially. I have invested so much in trying to help him when I could since he has been here; the financial burden of suddenly having to support another person –because as of yet, he really hasn’t contributed much to help me out –when he does have a bit of money –it is always sent home to the family to help out –they come first, and sadly not me I have learned –you can imagine how that can feel after a while –and yet, when I question myself deeply and internally I still love him so deeply –but culturally, I think I have learned that, at least in my husband’s case –he says he loves me –but its not the same kind of love that I feel for him and I have tried long and hard to really understand the dynamics involved in how he thinks but it isn’t easy to accept. I keep hoping that things will get better in the future. We seem to take those steps -1 step forward and 2 steps back more often than not –but I do have to say that every once in a while, we do have good days.

I know it has been really stressful on him and continues to be both for him and for me –its all a learning process which never ends. I would like to say that he is adapting more but I’m not really sure –one thing Ive noticed –whenever I offer any advise or try to give him some words of wisdom –it usually is ignored in the long run –when a MALE colleague or whoever says the same thing to him –he listens! Grrrr! And so I plod on and try to persevere as best as I can. This forum has offered me such valuable information time and time again, and for that I am really and truly grateful to you all.

And I dont want to sound as if im one of those "oh pity me women" but I have kept all of this so deep inside for so long -cant talk to family about this naturally that finally I just had to let it out. Thank you so much for listening

Not at all Mimiiw, you definitely don't sound like a "pity me woman". i'm so sorry to hear about all the difficulties you've been having and the stress you've been under for 11 months! it sounds like you are giving it your all. i wish i could give you better advice, but as you know, my husband has only been here 5 days, so i am a newbie all over again. i can only say that in those 5 days, though we have been arguing... i don't feel unappreciated. he acknowledges again and again all that i've done and he is really trying his best to do things on his own... if anything, it's mostly me who picks the fights and is having such trouble adjusting.

i don't know if the kind of treatment you are receiving is characteristic of regular "adjustment issues" and "homesickness" and "culture shock". but i'm sure someone here can offer you better, sound advice. all i can say is take care of yourself and do what's best for you.

take care and good luck!

The problem that we women have is that we give and give and give, and we want so badly to feel appreciated, and to have them treat us how we treat them. I hate to say this, but a lot of men need nudging. They see what we do as our job as their wife. Well I guess if I was in Morocco, and was a stay at home wife then I guess it would be my job. But the fact is that we not only maintain jobs, clean house, cook, laundry, etc. But then we help them with what would be considered their work, even by their standards in their home country. Basically WE are spoiling them, then blaming them for it. I know I have been guilty of it.

We love our husbands, therefore we want to make their lives as stress free as possible. But we can not forget that we are humans and can not maintain this without blowing. Sometimes we all need to step back and let them know that we are at our limits, and they are just going to have to do for themselves once in a while. Not just that, they need to help us as well.

My husband is a sweetheart, but we have our moments too, just like everyone else. I know that I just let him know I am at my wits end he backs down and really pitches in. Granted as women we don't think we should have to tell them, and they should see it for themselves like we do. But what I find time and time again is that most men don't see it, but if we tell them what we need they are very willing to help.

Well this is my input for the majority of the men that I know. I can't say it will work for everyone, or even any one. But its the best I have to offer.

It's so stressful on both parties. Just hang in there. It takes a long time for you to acclimate. Just when you think you have, something comes up that knocks you for a whammy.

You can do this. Just be patient and communication often. Holding things in, is not good in this case. Just say what you are thinking as tactifully as you can.

One other thing that has really thrown me for a culture shock is how long he and his family hold grudges. It's like once someone does something wrong - even if they looked at you the wrong way, they are written out of the book. Can never see them again, do anything with them - whatever. It is so untypically American, where it seems like as Americans, we forgive everyone who has ever wronged us...oh, you might remember what someone did, but it doesn't mean that you won't hang out with them again. I guess I just forgive and forget - not him.

Crazy! Sheesh - this drives me nuts.

We never have issues .... ok I admit, our life is 1 big issue after another... But we're trying and that's what counts

many problems and issues are worth working through in order to have a partner that you love and that will love you for life

I feel your struggle. My first marriage to a foreigner (I sponsored him to come to USA too) was a lot like what you detailed in your post below. Unfortunately, things did not work out for us and we divorced amicably (my choice). We keep in contact and just recently my ex said he realized what a jerk he was in many situations. It just took him some time living alone and doing things himself to realize that.

Your husband may not realize what you do and how much work you put to helping him. I personally feel he needs a kick up the backside for his lack of appreciation.

Can I say something? I hope not to offend, but, if your husband's family is not living in abject poverty, then the money your husband makes should go to you. His PRIMARY RESPONSIBILITY is to his wife. That should be made clear at least, even if he sends the money to family back home.

Nutty

I dont take what you asked wrong -but yes I also agree that his first and primary responsibility should be to me, his wife and his family isnt in abject poverty no, but with his dad retired and no regular income coming in; and he being the eldest and only working son, some obligation (guilt?)does fall on him in regards to this for the moment -I have tried to understand this myself, and probably for that reason, havent pushed too hard for him to stop this YET -I know that most likely there will always be a bit of this financial support .

Plus my legal obligation to the government regarding his sponsorship to be here has affected how I have handled this for the time being -and I admit; also in trying to keep things better between us, ie not nagging at him too much about this; i havent pushed as hard as I should be regarding this. I suppose i was just hoping he would realize on his own what/how he has treated his wife; and i also admit there is always that small fear in the back of my mind -what if he were ever to leave me and try to claim assistance here -what would i do then? Ultimately i know i will have to do some real soul searching and standing up to him more than i have. Its funny when i see things written down here, it seems more logical

I know I am a little late jumping in here, but we really shouldnt take the bickering too much to heart sometimes. It is not always a sign things are not going well. it could just be a sign of how you are communicating. And never underestimate how difficult the adjustment is for USC too. It really does take a great deal of patience on both sides.

I totally agree with this line of thinking -and i will be the first to admit that myself even, i probably have trouble at times expressing myself -in french -hence the question of language interpretation gets in the way too!

Aint it the truth!! Somehow we spend so much time worrying about their adjustment that no one stops and thinks about our own adjustments. I can tell you that is hard work.

Yes, as i really try to simmer down and funnel my crazy emotions, i realize this is exactly the case for me.
i didn't realize that it would be so hard for ME to adjust. he has his moments, and is rising to the occasion like a trooper...

me, on the other hand, i can't say i'm as proud of myself as i am of him... i'm really trying to lighten up a bit and give us both a break.

As everyone had mentioned it truly is an adjustment on both sides and you need lots of patience to get through it and you will. My husband got here about 1 month ago so i understand how you feel but i don't worry about the small things mostly i just happy that he is hear with me and i always remember how long, and hard it took for us to get to this point we waited so long to be together so i always look at it this way if we got through that we can, and will get through anything else for sure. I hope this helps you and you know we all understand how you feel we have all went through it before i will pray for you that got give you balance and strength to get through this time and you will hun you will see. Enjoy each other because now you both earned it!



AJ1

Dear HZ:

What makes it harder is if you are stretched thin to begin with (work, life, school) and find you have to do twice as much housework, cooking and then show them how do everything (like public transport, getting around, etc, etc). I admit freely I am totally exhausted! I worked late yesterday. When I got home he was relaxed after studying his engineering books all day. I get up to cook dinner and can barely stand I am so tired. He asks, "honey do you want to go for a walk?" My response, "No dear, I am a little tired tonight (in my mind I am saying "are you freaking crazy? Can't you see your wife is exhausted?").

To top if off, he forgets to take out the garbage and its smelling. So I HAVE TO TAKE IT OUT! I just lost my temper and yelled, "Can't you help at least with the little things?"

Being stretched thin and being overly tired makes you more suceptable to getting upset over the little things.

Just keep that in mind.

It is so true... i'm exhausted myself.
My sister, whose husband is American, said she was exhausted for an entire year after she got married. And her husband was the same man she had lived with for years before getting married!

It's tough, but we will get through it somehow, no?

At least now, with the added encouragement, your hubbie might remember to take the garbage out next time??

Tina, sometimes it is so hard...it reminds me of that saying - I had one nerve left and you just got on it. The only thought I can give is sometimes you just have to breathe it out and say, "God give me strength."

I'm fortunate that my DH does a lot around the house, but I've spoiled him with my cooking, and for a while, he expected these gourmet meals every day - as he wouldn't let me use anything frozen. I felt like I could do the Barefoot Contessa show from my kitchen as I was in there for an hour at least each night. I finally said, look I'm sorry, but there will be nights when all we're doing is having a frozen pizza or one from the pizza parlor around the corner. He said he was cool with that.