HELLO AND GOOD MORNING TO EVERYONE,

MOST OF YOU DONT KNOW ME, BUT I FEEL YOU ARE ABLE TO OFFER, INSIGHT ,CLARITY, WITH SOME ISSUES I HAVE BEEN PONDERING LATELY, ESPECIALLY THOSE OF YOU WITH FIANCES/SPOUSES FROM NIGERIA.

THE THING IS HOW DID YOU OVERCOME CULTURAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR FIANCE AND YOURSELF. I HAVE BEEN UP AND DOWN WITH MY FIANCE FOR SOME TIME CONCERNING HIS WAY OF THINKING, SOMETIMES WITH THINGS BECOMING SO HEATED, I FEEL THAT THIS IS NOT WORTH MY TIME.

NO HE IS NOT CONTROLLING, BUT I NOTICED HE DOES HAVE CERTAIN EXPECTATIONS FOR HIS WIFE, WHICH IS FINE, BECAUSE I ALSO HAVE EXPECTATIONS CONCERNING MY HUSBAND. WE ARE BOTH SO HEADSTRONG, STUBBORN, UNWILLING TO BUDGE, MYSELF, MORESO THAN HIM, I MUST ADMIT.

BUT IN THE END WE BOTH AGREE TO DISAGREE, AND ALL IS WELL, UNTIL, HE SAYS SOMETHING TOTALLY FOREIGN TO ME AND WE ARE BACK AT SQUARE ONE.

I JUST NEED ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN THERE, I HAVE READ FROM DIFFERENT SOURCES ALL I CAN ABOUT NIGERIA, ITS PEOPLE, ITS CULTURE, AND I MUST SAY SOME OF THOSE SOURCES DO NOT PAINT A PRETTY PICTURE, BUT I AM NOT ONE TO JUDGE.

THE THINGS HE TELLS ME ABOUT HIS COUNTRY, HIS FAMILY, HIS CULTURE, ARE NOT ALWAYS NICE, BUT I SEE THE LOVE HE HAS, AND THE COMPASSION FOR HIS PEOPLE, AND COUNTRY. HE TELLS ME THAT WHEN WE VISIT NIGERIA TOGETHER, THEN I WILL HAVE A BETTER UNDERSTANDING.

JUST NEEDED TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST, HEAR WHAT HURDLES OTHERS HAVE OVERCOME AS FAR AS CULTURAL DIVIDE.

ALL POSTS ARE WELCOME, AND I PROMISE NOT TO GO OFF ON A WILD TANGENT.

THANKS! DANA

Sorry you are having a rough time. I am sure you will be offered lots of good advice here. For now the advice I wish to offer you is "COMMUNICATE". Remember that communication is not just about saying what you need to say. But also understanding what was expressed by your partner. As I type this response I am smiling about the fact that my husband and I often laugh at the arguments we've had. Arguments that could have been avoided had we said what we wanted to say, then made sure that we completely understood what the other person was saying.

I have some notes from a Pre Maritial session I will try to find. When I locate my notes, I will PM you.

Stay positive.

Boaz

I agree with Boaz that communication is incredibly important to maintain the relationship. Attentive and active listening is important. I also feel that collaboration/compromise is important. You may "agree to disagree" but you have to live together for the rest of eternity. If you each take a step towards the center to make the other one happy, you'll live a happier life together.

Remember if you don't bend, you'll break. It's your choice.

THANKS ZAINAB AND BOAZ,

MY MOM TELLS ME ALL THE TIME " YOU DONT LISTEN", SHE IS RIGHT. I HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT ANY AND EVERYTHING, SOMETIMES I CAN PUT MY "FEET' IN MY MOUTH.

MAYBE I SHOULD DO LESS TALIKNG AND MORE LISTENING, AFTER ALL I LOVE HIM DEARLY, AND ANYTHING WORTH HAVING IS WORTH WORKING FOR, AGAIN THANKS!

DANA

You should definitely do more listening (he should too!). Its funny, when I think of the things my hubby doesn't like about me....its the SAME stuff my parents used to try to correct me. My hubby always says I don't have any patience....I never did! But he'll admit, I'm working hard and I've gotten better.

In general, remember that you can't control your hubby but you can control your reaction to him. If an argument/discussion is drawing to an end, and he says that extra "crazy" thing, don't get caught up in it. Let it go. If it bothers you or you don't understand,bring it up in the next day or two when both of you are not in the moment and have had time to reflect. Its hard to do, but it gets easier in time and it promotes discussion while minimizing stress.

The key to any relationship is communication but also clarification. If he says something that, to you, sounds out of character for him don't be afraid to ask him to elaborate. My fiance and I have saved ourselves *some* headache by doing that.

YES!

MAJOR PROBLEM WITH PATIENCE, BUT WORKING IT OUT. "THAT CRAZY THING", GIRL, I HAVE TO HAVE THE LAST WORD, WORKING ON THAT ALSO, PRAY FOR ME!

Peculiar Conflicts


Will not answer all your questions, but might help you understand some. It was a great and easy read. I sent it to my husband who also enjoyed the book.

We did have a post a while back on here about some of the culture differences that we see in our SOs. It's a good read check it out. It does help put things in perspective and prepare you to some extent for some of your differences.

I agree with what Zee said about seeking clarification. Bassi and I just averted an argument the other day because he said "A" which I interpreted with my lens and he didn't mean anything near what I interpreted. When he realized that I appeared to be talking about something totally different he interjected and said, when we say "A" we mean ...... Wowee, we just barely avoided that one cause I was just getting all wound up!

Communication and compromise.

My husband and I still disagree with alot of things and probably always will because we were both brought up in two different worlds. I just came to understand that we will always both see things differently and it is not worth me getting into a heated argument over it. I always try to compose myself and then talk to him in a civilized manner and he usually will also talk to me in a civilized manner...and before you know it, everything is settled and we are laughing.

I respect our differences and I respect his opinion and I love him He has opened my eyes toward certain things and I am sure that I have opened his. In the beginning things were a little crazy at times...but through patience and understanding, it has improved. Good luck with everything and remember that it does not matter who is right or who is wrong, it is more important to understand each other and grow together and recognize the differences.

TAHNKS LADIES!

YOUR COMMENTS ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED AS WELL AS THE PM'S. CANT WAIT TO GO THROUGH TH SUGGESTED READINGS!

GOD BLESS!
DANA

Hi Dana,

Look out for a PM, soon.

I DITTO EVERYTHING ZEE JUST SAID....NO MATTER HOW PERFECT A COUPLE IS OR THE RELATIONSHIP IS...YOU WILL GET SOME HURDLES, AND YOU WILL HAVE DISAGREEMENTS AND DIFFERENT OPINIONS. MY MOTTO IS " AS LONG AS THE GOOD OUT WEIGHS THE BAD THEN I'M STICKING TO MY MAN"

HE CAN GET ON MY NERVES AND I CAN GET ON HIS...BUT WHEN WE MAKE UP...YEAH MAKE UP IS GOOD.

all the advice u recieved was excellent....i just want to add that it takes time to really get into the groove of things..patience patience patience....being in a long distance relationship has taught me that...

I can relate completely to what you are talking about and here is my two cents for what it's worth...

When my husband (fiance at that time) and I talked on the phone before he came here, he would say some things that I didn't agree with or got offended by, etc. I used to just automatically blow up when he did this and not try to reason with what he was saying. In the long run, I would find out that what I thought he meant...was not it at all. So yes, communication and CLARIFICATION is the key. Now that he's here, its a different set of challanges. Don't get me wrong....we never argue. My husband is too passive to argue (almost to a fault) lol. But here's where the patience kicks in. Patience It's a MUST to make this relationship work. Luckily, I've been to Nigeria and saw how things were done there and it helped me to understand what his expectations would be from me and most importantly WHY he had these expectations. It also prepared me for what to expect from him. I got to witness Nigerian relationships....like with his mother and father or brothers and their wives. Their culture is very different than ours. I knew I couldn't expect a man who had 3 sisters and 2 neices living in the same home with him to come here and know how to cook. He was used to having his food prepared and brought to him all day everyday. Knowing this, I couldn't then expect him to come here and 'fend for himself'. Also, in Nigeria...from what I witnessed...women are not very argumentive with their husband. So it may give your husband greater concern if he finds himself in wahala all the time. Just learn what you can about his culture and that will help you understand why he does, says, and thinks the way he does. Food is our greatest challange. He's been here for over 2 months and I can count on 1 hand the things he'll eat. It's fustrating at times, but that's where the patience kicks in. When he tries something so common like pizza and hot dogs but says he doesn't like it...I wanna scream. Or when I spend an entire evening cooking something special and he doesn't like it...arggg. Do I start an argument or do I go back in the kitchen and whip up a batch of jollof rice AGAIN?? I put myself in his shoes and I remember that when I went to 9geria I only ate Indomie (ramon noodles).
My husband is in a new country....away from all his family...he gave up his rugby league...he made a lot of sacrifices to be here with me. The least I can do is not argue with him over things like 'why do you keep calling the trunk of the car 'THE BOOT'.....or 'why do we have to watch the soccer channel 4 hours a day'......or "why is your sister FLASHING US when she drives a 2007 Mercedes SUV and we drive a Ford Explorer, she can afford a phone call!!!!!".......lol. The point is, learn his culture and then try to be understanding of it. Good luck with everything!!!!!!

Communication and cultural acceptance and appreciation by both are neccessary for the relationship to thrive. My SO and I have gotten to a point where, when others hear or conversation they might think we are speaking a foreign common language, but not so. We have this hybrid language of Igbo, Queens English, American English, Ebonics and Pidgeon.

How true is this? You are right on!!!!



Another good point, girl!!!



You are on fire!!! Preach, girl!!!

Although Kobby does love pizza.


So true


GET OUT OF MY HEAD STACEY!!!!

With Kobby its more like ALLL day!

Hey Stacey,

your post is very informative, thanks for" giving it to me straight, no chasers"!

In the words of Asante ~ PREACH GIRL! VERY well said, and so true!

What about eating out?!?!? My husband does not like eating out. He has been here for 2 years, and is still firm in his beliefs. But I love him anyway .....

My husband likes to eat out but no matter where we go, he orders the same thing.....either burger (no cheese), steak, or shrimp. Sometimes he will eat a salad which he calls 'the leaves'. lol.

LOL! 'The leaves'. My husband does not like burgers (to him the meat does not look good). He eats his steak well done (no A-1 Sauce). No salad dressing on his salad. And absolutely NO cheese on anything. To him cheese is fattening. This sucks considering that I make an awesome homemade Mac & Cheese dish.

Almost forgot, if you are using butter while you are cooking ... he frowns on that as well. Picky. Picky. Picky.

Booker despises eating out. I am really big on it and I can see him just cringe each time the idea comes up. He thinks it's so pointless to so much money on something that won't keep you full the whole day.



Your husband, too??? He ALWAYS says " I hate those "green leaves" or "tell them not to put those green leaves on my burger".

Mine calls it just plain leaves, he does not like them either. When he gets here I will have him try salads with different dressing on it.

Any " I am sleeping on the couch ....oh no you are not " stories when one of you is too upset ?

I was upset about us arguing about something stupid and proceeded to grab my pillow and sleep on the couch and he had a fit and dragged me back to bed, almost carried me, he was not having it ! I hear of these couch stories once in a while from others.

LOL. sounds like he eats very healthy. My husband doesn't worry about fat content. He just goes by taste alone. Thank God becuase Indomie (ramon noodles) has become a staple in our home. Its one of the things he does enjoy eating with fried plantain. Have you ever looked at the fat content in a package of those??

plus the sodium.

hahaha. You're right...the sodium too!!!

Kobby loves salad...especially with onions. Throw in some eggs and its a party.

As for dressing: Ketchup and a couple of dollops of mayo will do.

...I know I know.... ketchup and mayo? ...but thats how its done in most of the restaurants in Ghana.... I guess you can say its like A thousand Islands dressing


Kobby loves to eat out once you get him there...but if you ask ahead of time...he's like Booker and says its a waste of money....of course when we do go, he brings home left overs.

Kobby tried that no cheese thing saying its fattening....he lost that battle long ago You just can't say no to cheese

Oh its infinite power....especially on some pizza or better yet Macaroni?????

Kobby eats whatever he wants too. with the exception of the cheese thing (which he later had to concede) he is the typical male....a tub of lard = no weight gain

Now the plantain chips....aw heck plantain in general is ok with me It's big in both our cultures

I agree 100% with this statement and no mater what dont give up and remember this person is suppose to be your lifemate and you have/will take vows before God and your family. Coming from different cultures is hard work but just remember that you 2 love each other

Yes. He does eat healthy. But I am still working towards getting him to experiment a bit more. We too eat alot of plantain. However, we've never eaten it out of a package. It's always been fresh from the grocery store. As for preperation - either boiled or fried. I LOVE the 'ripe' plantains because too me it's sweet. My husband likes it so/so. But as for the plain tasting green plantains? He loves it!

I hope my husband 'concedes' very soon.

That's part of it all communication, clarification and choosing which battles are worth pursuing. I've been reading up and trying to ask lots of questions to the Africans in my area and so far I feel that concerning the African women, it's not that she's quiet and will take more stuff off her spouse, but if she feels strongly about a situation she will address that situation in a calm manner, then if necessary get others involved ( cousins, sisters, mother, father, even the chief ) to help smooth out the situation.

In the past married african women would " sit on " their men, meaning stop cooking for them and attempt to make his life miserable, the family would even get involved and help her by talking bad about him, destroying his property, and singing songs that questioned his manhood, etc. until he came to his sense's if they feel that the women was right in their dissagreement. {Life among the Ibo Women of Nigeria by Salome C. Nnoromele ) According to this book women had certain freedoms that women in other continents may not of enjoyed.

If both the husband and wife want the marriage to work they will be more then willing to resolve issues that will arise, it's only when one person is willing to make to make the marriage work that many problems will continue to arise.

America does offer alot of different foods but what I'm finding is that alot of the food that we have here; they also have in Africa, it's just preparded differently and has different spices in it. Actually Africa has alot of healthy meals, I had no clue of that because when I was there I stuck to jolloff rice.

I kinda looked at some of the food there in Nigeria and didn't know what was in it and opted not to try it. We now have a African resturant here where I live and I found that although I'm not used to eating food that looks the way some of there food looks, when they tell me what's in it ( spinach and collard greens with chicken for example) and I tried it I found that the name of the food and the appearance is different but it's good food. I've fallen in love with Pounded yam w/bitter leaf, and goat soup with fufu.........lol.

When dealing with the African man from what I've been reading is that they have big egos, and that they have been groomed to be that way since child hood. Women had women leaders called Omu, Ogene, Nyanya, ( the great mother ) or Onye isi umunwanyi ( the womens leader ) who would speak in behalf of the women and advise women in times of conflict or family crisis, just to name a few of her duties.

Although there may be some cultural differences between and African and American, I don't believe that those difference are great enough to want to end any marriage especially when you both had time to talk about all that before the paperwork went threw for them, although it can be frustrating getting to know each other, it's also sometimes frustrating getting to know people in our own culture that we may decide to marry.

In my marriage my ex-husband ( Nigerian ) took and took and took from me and I gave and gave and gave to him with the thought that were in this together and we'd be married forever. During our divorce hearing I kept all that he couldn't take from me, including his name.

I was watching Waiting to Exhale the other nite with a man that's continent is close to Mali, for some reason he didn't seem to like this movie, however it was still really good to me. I can't say that I hear of African women talking about men as bad as some of us Americans do but then again I haven't met all African women, nor American women for that matter. I guess if we try to remember that our spouses are grown and their oppinions are just that their oppion we must come to a place in the relationship where just as we accepted them to be our spouse's that we also accept the fact that we won't always agree with them and they won't always agree with us, but that thing called love should help the relationship continue to thrive.

I wish you all the best.

Thank you my sister! Very enlightening!

I was surprised at all the different cultures that eat plantain, Boaz, is it the darker almost black ones that you enjoy ? Those are my favorite !!!! for me , the plantain that's still green I have to eat it in some kind of stew to enjoy it, but as we know the green boiled ones are healthier arghhhhhh

Thank you to all who posted and those that have yet to do so,

Although I have not spent a great deal of time with Ola, i definitely can remember some of the things you guys mentioned in your posts, such as " the leaves", ! For the most part he will eat anything, " as long as it is pleasing to the tongue". I do remember the fried plaintain , and the dish with spinach and meat, although I enjoyed the plaintain; tasted like fresh cut potatoes, fried, to me, I had to pray everytime i swallowed the spinach, i absolutely hate it, but to be graceful, i came through, since he and the family were watching me, saying, You okay?

Hopefully one day we will make a trip together to Nigeria, there, i think the experience is much more rewarding!
Thanks again for your words of encouragement, your personal experiences, and for just helping this "southern girl" with a little enlightenment.

Peace

Idocare...

this is a very good point. It is very common for a Nigerian husband/wife to involve the family when problems occur. I have experienced this first-hand. We as Americans usually don't like to involve our families when there's trouble in a relationship so it through me for a loop when my husband called home and asked his parents to talk to me. There is usually an elder sibling in a Yoruba family who is called Olori Ebi. This is the person who has "taken charge" of most family matters. In my husband's case, it is his elder brother, Sesan. So it would be very common for my husband to have Sesan speak with me if there is any mis-understandings.

Y'all are cracking me up about this food stuff! lol. Yes, food is still an issue for us. But its getting better. There are things that I would encourage my hubby to eat (either in restaurants or when buying groceries for the week) and he wouldn't have it. It took him seeing the food already prepared. For example, he refused to eat fish that wasn't Tilapia (ok) or Nile perch (for real?!). But one day we ventured into Whole Foods (I love the store, but its too pricey) anyway, he saw the fried cod on the hot bar and said he wanted some. I told him it wasn't Tilapia or Nile Perch he said he wanted to try it..he tried it and loved it. And he's tried salmon a few times and doesn't like it. The only other thing he would eat was chicken. I've been trying to encourage him to eat turkey and he wouldn't. Then yesterday we were at Whole foods and they had free samples of their turkey wrap. He saw me eating and asked for a a piece. I told him it was turkey...he tried it, then went back to get his own. I guess whole food works for us. lol. Or maybe its just free samples...he also loves the samples at Sams Club.

But seriously, there have been moments that I wanted to pull my hair out. Trying to adjust my diet to his. (Do you have any clue how hard it was to find Chicken andouille...in SEATTLE?!). Only to have him not like it. I don't worry so much in the end...after all we're not going to go hungry.


My hubby loves salads. Dressing were overwhelming for him. Selection is very limited in Ethiopia. So I always keep his fav in the house and then I'll buy other just to see. Also when we go out to eat, well ask for two types of dressing both on the side.

I usually order for him in restaurants. Since the preparation methods a very different here. Now that he's been here a while he'll order for himself occasionally. I have noticed that once he's had a dish prepared/served one way, its difficult to get him to eat it differently. For example, he thinks I'm backwards when I want to eat grits for dinner.

Man I must be one of the lucky ones meaning my husband has not turned down anything that I have prepared for him. The only thing that I prepared that he did not like to much was Lasagna(think I drowned it in oregano). We go out alot to eat Chinese food at the buffet but, other than that he has not tried alot of places. JR crickets(local wing joint), Ruby Tuesday's ,Red Lobster's and Chili's are some of the places he has tried. He loves hot dogs , pizza,and hamburgers . He eats collard greens,spinach and, mac n cheese,brocoli n cheese casserole,spaghetti. All of the meat dishes(roast,ox tails,barbecue chicken etc... He does not like the breakfast items to much gits and oatmeal. He'll eat pancakes with out syrup. The only thing he never eats are sweets....says they have too much sugar. Funny he should say that I can remember being in Nigeria and asked if I wanted some biscuits( we know them as cookies) I was like what is this????? Where is the sugar???? I am grateful because he cooks also said his mom made sure that all his siblings could cook. They were a family of two boys and five sisters although when I was there to visit, his sisters always served our food. The one thing that I loved the most was eating face to face from the same plate with him feeding me. Glad he still does that or I would be upset

Good point ,that has also saved us from having some heated discussions. One must be able to forgive one another after an argument(always fun to make up)

I am so jealous. Nearly everything you've mentioned here I've tried cooking for my husband and he won't eat it. My life would be so simple if my husband was as agreeable with food as yours. lol. One of the places I love is the Chinese Buffet here and he is afraid to eat there. He thinks that chinese food is snakes, lizzards, etc. HUH??? I told him if that's how it is in 9gia.....its not that way here. He reluctantly agreed to go one day but he only picked at a couple things....(shrimp and some of those sugary donut things). It was a waste of $12. My husband has a good stature. He's 6'4 and came here weighing a little over 200, very much an athletic build. I can only hope that he will not lose that due to the limited food he eats here. He ate so much in Nigeria. But here, he doesn't eat as much as back home. We too shared from the same plate while eating. They would serve us one plate, two spoons/forks, it was so cute.

You are so lucky!

[quote name='Akinstacey' date='Jul 20 2008, 01:24 PM' post='2032344']
I am so jealous. Nearly everything you've mentioned here I've tried cooking for my husband and he won't eat it. My life would be so simple if my husband was as agreeable with food as yours. lol. One of the places I love is the Chinese Buffet here and he is afraid to eat there. He thinks that chinese food is snakes, lizzards, etc. HUH??? I told him if that's how it is in 9gia.....its not that way here. He reluctantly agreed to go one day but he only picked at a couple things....(shrimp and some of those sugary donut things). It was a waste of $12. My husband has a good stature. He's 6'4 and came here weighing a little over 200, very much an athletic build. I can only hope that he will not lose that due to the limited food he eats here. He ate so much in Nigeria. But here, he doesn't eat as much as back home. We too shared from the same plate while eating. They would serve us one plate, two spoons/forks, it was so cute.

Wow Akinstacey he is really picky!!!!! Some of the things on the Chinese buffett at least resemble some of the food that I can remember eating in Nigeria when we went out to eat. Like the rice and the fish, that's too funny that he thinks the chinese food looks like snakes and lizzards (that would probably be the seafood )Can not blame him , not too crazy about the seafood. Maybe he would like Jamaican food, has he tried that? I told my hubby that some of their food reminds me of Jamaican food.

I can vouch for that! Most Africans that I know LOVE Jamaican food... Especially my step father who is Nigerian and all my Ghanian friends. The popular items seems to be Oxtails (which are made in a brown stew) Jerk Chicken, and Escovich Fish (Usually made from Fried Red Snapper or Red Fish [as they call it in Ghana] topped with peppered and pickled sliced onions and carrot strips. Other types of fish are sometimes used but red snapper is the most popular and the most tasty (in my opinion). Rice and peas are also a big hit as the starch in the meal. And of course most Jamaican dishes usually comes with a side of fried sweet plantains

Kobby wanted nothing but Oxtails when he first got here. It is still by far one of his favorite meals.

As far as breakfast goes...We (Caribbeans) eat fish for breakfast too So if your hubby is big on fish, there are many types of fish dishes typically served for breakfast. Jamaican Porridges are also pretty popular amongst my closest African family and friends. Most popular types: Cornmeal porridge. But there are various other types which are just as great!

Stacey...I would try him on some Jamaican food...I'm sure he will like it.

My father (who is Nigerian) favorite place to eat out is a Jamaican restaurant where he orders curried goat with rice
He also likes the ox tails.

[quote name='cutensexxy1' date='Jul 17 2008, 10:17 PM' post='2026012']
all the advice u recieved was excellent....i just want to add that it takes time to really get into the groove of things..patience patience patience....being in a long distance relationship has taught me that...
[/quote


It is hard at FIRST in any marriage/relationship some easier than others, but we all have disagreements one way or the other. Growing up around culture all my life, Men love respect Especially african men. They will do anything for you if you give them respect,Keep good communication and pray together even over the phone. You have to keep asking god everyday to help you and your fiance. ask him sweetheart what can I do better and then you tell him the same try that .Also try and be a little more toned when you get heated.

yes! ZiZi...how could i forget the goat!!!! definitely a fav :lol: