Hey all,

I have been thinking a lot about whether or not I want to change my name. I recently married in March and have not changed my name. First off, it seems like a big pain in the butt to change it when you're in the middle of all this immigration stuff... but secondly, I'm not sure if I want to. I know a lot of people do, and a lot of people add the married name to their maiden name, but I am curious as to why... why did you change your name, or not change your name?

I have been doing a lot of research on the subject and I thought these links were interesting.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maiden_name

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,280574,00.html

It seems horribly sexist to me though, that in some States a man cannot change his name upon getting married as a woman can, and instead has to go through the courts and dish out money to make the change.

Right now I'm leaning toward not changing my name. Or changing both our names, maybe we could make up our own unique last name. The only benefit I see at this point in having the same name is if we had children.

What are your thoughts? I'm curious.

Janny

I believe the whole name change is a very personal decision. I did change my last name when I got married simply because I always hated my maiden name. Don't get me wrong, the relationship with my parents is awesome, but the last name they gave me is a bit funny, and I went through all sort of pains back when I was a kid.. so that's the main reason why I changed it. Of course I do love my husband and having his last name makes me feel like I'm part of his family too..
Like I said, it's very personal and while some people might like this, others might think it's a sexist thing. I wouldn't see anything wrong if a man would change his last name too, but I know not every state allows this. I think it should be left up to the person on what they want to do with their names.. after all, each individual might have different reasons for wanting to change it, or not

My maiden name is French, so it gets butchered often. I'm not changing it to fit into the patriarchal reasoning; I'm doing it because its easier to pronounce...

I hear you... mine on top of being rather ridiculous it's almost impossible to pronounce here in the States!

It's a mutual decision for the couple generally.

My first wife always looked forward to changing her name at marriage because her maiden name was long and unusual. I was my second wife's third husband and she definitely didn't want to keep that second husband's name. My third and current wife is Chinese and they don't generally change their name at marriage. Neither of us saw any reason to change her name but she doesn't mind if people refer to her as Mrs. Pushbrk.

Do what works for you.

That was a big discussion I had with my girlfriends.

My parents didn't give me a middle name (plus I have a french hard to pronounce maiden name) so I used my maiden as middle and added his.

I chose to keep my 'maiden' name. I like my name; I have lived with it for many years; all of my professional accomplishments and publications are in this name; all of my identification . . . I was giving up my country, my friends, my family, my career, my former life - everything I had ever known to move to the States to marry my husband; giving up my name as well felt like giving up 'me', like losing my identity. I chose to keep my name. It reflects nothing about the commitment or lack of commitment to my husband or my marriage. People ask in quiet little secret voices if there is a reason I don't use my husband's name and so I tell them. Some understand and some don't. Some still insist on calling me Mrs. Husband's LastName. That is fine:-) too. My husband had no problems with my decision; in fact he was the one who first brought the issue up and stated right from the beginning that he had no problems if I wanted to keep my maiden name.

Keeping maiden name for professional reasons.
Will take husband's name legally however. I like his name and my name sounds good with his :-)

My husband didn't want me to take his name and I didn't care. Where it gets sticky is that our daughter does not have his last name either, also his choice. People assume a lot of different things because of that, because even if the wife doesn't take the name, it is customary to give the last name of the father to the children you have together, marriage or not.

I changed my name because I was tired of my maiden name

My husband comes from a big family and all of his sisters have changed their names after they got married. They all raised their eyebrows and kind of gasped when I said I hadn't changed my name. I think right now, I'd change it mainly because like one of the other VJ people mentioned... my last name sounds funny and I like my husband's name better. I'm just trying to decide if it's worth the hassle of changing it.

One thing that really ticks me though (like I mentioned in my first post) is how men are not as free as women to change their name when they get married. I can't help but still feel like the whole name change thing is somehow archaic and somewhat sexist if we still haven't made it equal in terms of men being able to do the same when they marry. A man should be able to change his name when he gets married as easily as a woman. That's my two cents.

I kept my own last name after marriage. I like the idea of keeping to my roots. Plus I always loved my dad and he is gone now and I guess it is my way of holding onto him. Plus it is an easy name. Plus I can't deal with the hassle of changing my name in gazillion places. Plus hubby's name is long and hard to pronounce. Plus he doesn't mind at all that I kept my name.

If we were living in Canada, I would have hyphenated my last name to include his last name, to make life easier when it came to my career. Since we are living in the US, transitioning to just his last name was easy and painless. Either way, I wanted to have his last name as part of mine.

I can't wait to take on my fiance's name when we get married..........my maiden name seems strange to me, l I can't relate to it anymore
after being married for a long time to my , whose name I can't wait to lose

i didn't change my name because I felt like I had to... I just wanted to change it...

I currently don't have plans to change my name. My last name is Indian and impossible for most Americans to pronounce, and my Other Half has a lovely last name, but I like my name. I can't be bothered with the hassle of getting in changed everywhere.

Has anyone felt any pressure from family or otherwise to change their name? I don't think I feel any direct pressure from family to change my name, but I am the only one who hasn't changed so they do raise eyebrows.

And what about if you have any kids in the future... what name will they have?

Curious again.

This is an interesting topic to come by. For simplicity of filing paper work for our K-3, we decided to keep my wife's maiden name. However, when she moves here, I would like her to take my last name. To me, this means a lot as it represents unity (right, wrong, or indifference). I do have a question on this matter. How does one go about her last name when she arrives? Thanks!!

This is exactly why I am going to change it - my first name will already cause enough problems (I've hardly ever met any speaker of English who can pronounce it correctly) to add my maiden name to the equation. And then, I know my darling husband-to-be would be very happy if I took his name.. I've had mine for the past 47 years, so I suppose it's time for a change !

I actually never even thought about keeping my maiden name Here's the reasons why:
1. My last name is hard to pronounce and spell for Americans (At my last US job various paperwork had like three different spellings
2. My hubby-to-be has a very nice sounding last name that goes perfectly with my first name
3. Since my first name is very unique (Ana is just short version of my full name ), I will still have a part of "me" there
4. I can't wait to change to his name since it will indeed symbolise our union

Still, I think it's personal choice. If you like your name and hubby has no problems with you keeping it - go for it!

I have had pressure from my family to keep my maiden name. My mother feels like I am giving up everything by moving to the USA, so she'd like me to keep their last name. I told her that I am not giving up everything, they are still my parents and I will still be French, and that if I was going to marry a French man, living in France, no-one would have wondered if I should keep my maiden name or not. Again, it is a personal choice, but I believe that taking my future husband's name will symbolize our union as much as the wedding will.

My last name is simple; easy to spell and easy to pronounce. It's also ugly and boring! So I can't wait to ditch it and take Alex's name, even though he warns me that no one can ever spell it or pronounce it first time round.

No pressure from my family to keep my surname. In fact it's the opposite way round - my mother also loves Alex's last name and has expressed her envy at me getting to change it. Mine is such a common last name and my family is so prolific that it holds very little meaning for anyone. My mother's even trying to convince my brother to take his future wife's (nicer) last name when they marry.

Kids would definitely have Alex's last name.

I will be using my family name as my middle name and then taking my future husband's last name as my surname (last name). No pressure from any side, I just feel like doing it, no profound reason.

After being married to the most wonderful man in my life....i changed my last name to my husband surname co'z 4 me its just one of the million reason of respecting your husband...and also i want to let the whole world knows that i'm married already....and i'm proud of my husband's surname....but i know of course...people have different reason why they did and didn't change their last name...so i gave them the respect ..... I miss my husband so much. ....See u soon dad!

My surname is distintly Irish and I'm keeping it thank you. Just because we've decided to be together, doesn't mean that we're somehow the same person. So we'll have different names. I guess many people consider that then they would end up having a different name from their children if they keep their own name. I'm not sure how that will work itself out, but I'm sure it will.

My parents have been married for over 30 years and my mom kept her maiden name. People are always like "Why?", "Oh, that's weird". I think it's perfectly fine. To each their own.

I was married before and I took his name, then changed back to my maiden name which is an extremely common name.

I want to take Nick's name simply because I love the thought of having it.
I've changed everything over before, it's not too hard to do so... I'm excited!

I can't wait to be Mrs John ****.

I guess I am traditional, and so is he.

Nope. After all the divorces in my family, maybe they think it is even smart not to bother.

My husband uses my last name on occasions where it really doesn't matter. He thought about legally changing it, but then decided against it.

Like someone said above they have a distinctly Irish name...same for me. I look like the American stereotype of the Irish too, so the look and the last name have always been entwined for me, and I feel like I would miss my maiden name terribly if I gave it up. I'm not changing my name legally but I'll let people call me Ms. McMillan as I don't mind being my hubby's wife .

Also, since I'm just starting to get a career going I feel changing my name might cause problems. There is also the fact that I feel like we've done so much paperwork with the visa right now I'm just not keen on doing any more.

Interesting responses to these questions about name changing.

Have any husband's changed their name to the wife's name? If it's really not about an old tradition, then why don't we see more guys changing their names... other than the fact that it's a pain in the butt to do so.

Janny

One of my good friends hyphenated his name and his wife's. She died 5 years ago and he is now remarried and he had his name changed back to just his surname. It didn't feel it would be respectful to his current wife to keep his first wife's name. Though his children (from the first marriage) have the hyphenated name. His current wife didn't pressure him to make the change.

My husband could barely pronounced my filipino middle and family name, I don't expect others can do either, so, I am now bearing my married name.

I loved my maiden name but I preferred to be Mrs. R. I did it for love!

Have not, and will not change my last name. Why? Because I am an old-fashioned woman. Traditionally, many women in my culture retain their family names. I will not do something my mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother did not do. LOL.....

Seriously, it has nothing to do with respecting your SO etc etc. This is who I am, what I have been, and will be professionally. Besides, I have a fairly uncommon last name I have no wish to give up. If folks in the US have trouble pronouncing it, it is their problem (they have to just pronounce everything as seen!), not mine The two of us are in agreement about this, and that is all there is to it.

Great topic!

I will definitely carry my Husband's last name...Because I am proud of being his wife(gushes & swoon) so this is not an issue for me or my family.
My surname is very plain jane and funny thing is my husband has a very long Irish last name.So folks always botch it up(badly) LOL.
My husband always teases me about it "like are you sure you want to take on my last name?!".I told him yes it's alright cause I
will have to politely correct them hehe.

I think it's up to each person to decide what and why. My maiden name, although not complicated, was NEVER pronounced correctly.... I'd say it, and people would say "What was that? Can you spell it? Spell it again??" So when I married my first husband, I was thrilled that he had a *normal*, recognizable surname. When we divorced, I kept his name, for a couple of reasons:

1) being adopted as an infant, a maiden name ties me to nothing... it's just a name they put on bills. It never had any ancestoral ties for me, so I never felt any sentimental reason to keep it.
2) my *new* name was so much easier than my maiden name
3) I don't believe in going "backward" in life.... it would almost be like pretending my first marriage never happened. Well, for right or wrong, it did.... and it was a chapter in the story of Me. Always moving forward!

So when it came to changing my name with this marriage, I had a couple of options:

1) go back to my maiden name (see above)
2) keep my ex-husband's name
3) take my new husband's name

It was a no-brainer for me, and made him very happy to boot. I don't feel that I've given up anything at all.... I'm me because of who I am, not because of what name I use. Probably has a lot to do with the adoption thing; at my age, I'm very comfortable with my unattachment to a family history, but I also respect and really admire those who love and cherish their heritage!

Very interesting thread!!!

Check out these interesting links on the topic of name change after marriage.

http://www.slate.com/id/2097231

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucy_Stone

http://www.lucystoneleague.org/

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2..._last_name.html

http://www.tangomag.com/20085623/the-name-game.html/1

A little known fact is that if Miss Jane Doe marries Mr. John Smith and KEEPS her name, she is still "Mrs. John Smith". The MRS part means "wife of John Smith".

So, she could be known as:

• Jane Doe (her NAME)
• Ms. Jane Doe (generic TITLE followed by her NAME)
• Mrs. John Smith or Mrs. Smith (her TITLE)

"Mrs. Jane Doe" or "Mrs. Jane Smith" or "Mrs. Doe" are all incorrect ... it implies she is the wife of ... herself!

Though you do see it quite common for people to refer to themselves as "Mrs. Jane Smith" when they change their last names.

Wikipedia has more: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mrs.#Usage

--
Steve

I am a little confused by this because my biological grandmother got rid of my mother, regardless of the reason, that part of the family is dead. When my grandparents adopted my mother, I feel that I inherited everything that went with it to replace the hole left by my biological grandparents. That is part of what adoption is. They may not be my genetic ancestors, but they are my blood regardless. Their history became mine.

If you go far enough back in my paternal line though my grandfather to the 1600s, my last name isn't even my last name. My bio ancestors changed it when they came here to something completely different. But after 400 years, I hardly think it makes that big of a difference.

It's just my two cents.

And there is the difference.... even though they were not your direct/natural parents, they were blood relatives, so their line is your line somewhere down the line - if that makes sense!? Or are you saying that they are NOT actually biological relatives, but you treat them as such? I'm a bit confused. In either case, I like your story. I was born in the day when single young women were sent off to have the baby in secrecy. I do know my "unidentifying" information, and that I was a "love child", and that my father probably never even knew I existed, since he was married (to someone else). People often aske me when I found out that I was adopted.... I don't ever remember "finding out".... I just always knew I was, as were my two brothers (my sister is my parents' only natural child). It was never a big deal, never anything to be ashamed of or angry about. My birth mother gave me life, and then did what was probably the hardest thing she's ever had to do in her life. I have nothing but gratitude and respect for her, whoever she is. But I also have no desire to meet her - I don't need to, there is nothing missing, no "holes" to be filled, at least for me. One of my brothers met his birth mom, and sees her on a regular basis - she's even spent holidays with our parents! In his case, he felt he needed to find her, and it turned out it was the right thing for both of them. On the other hand, I've known people who's families were shattered when a birth child showed up some 40 years later, full of spite and anger for being "tossed away". So, I don't know.... Adoption is such an interesting topic, and I enjoying talking about it (obviously! ) Alas, I'm veering off topic.....



The point regarding surnames is that, because of my experience and view of adoption, I have never felt "attached" to any specific name as part of my identity, so it was a very easy and natural choice to take my husband's name when we married.

My definition of family is a bit deeper than who my DNA is shared with.

Will write more in a second, I accidently hit the submit button.

After becoming involved in tracing my ancestors I wish more women had retained their maiden names or at least put them into their childrens names as in "Mary Taylor Brown". It would make tracing the maternal side of the family so much easier as although we may know our mothers and grandmothers family names it usually doesnt go back further than 2 generations.

When I wanted to revert to my maiden name (I felt I needed to be me again, when my marriage was crumbling) many people tried to make me show divorce papers or a court paper, however when I researched it I found that I had never given up my maiden name and had every right to use it. It was a matter of switching it in one place along with my birth certificate and then everything else fell into place.


After going to the trouble of getting 2 passports and all my other identifying documents in my original name, I had no wish to change all over again. I like my husbands name and I respect and admire him and I dont need to have my identity linked to his with more official documents than a marriage certificate to show that, being his Mrs is enough.

I think for some women it works really well to change, for others it works to retain their family name.

My grandparents adopted my mother and my uncle mostly because it was what was expected of them at the time. It was weird to say the least for a married couple not to have children and my grandmother could not due to a hysterectomy she had to have at an early age. They were also adopted to some extent because my grandfather was the last of his line. It wasn't questioned that they and we were the continuation of his line regardless of if we were biologically his or not. Genetics, that was not really the point. The point was, someone was alive to carry the name and the family history. Therefore, his blood is my blood (in a different sense of the word than straight genetics), my line. My own biological grandparents couldn't be bothered (I don't care about the reason), so I don't care. They are not my line or heritage.

I carry the name of my father, but generally only do it out of respect for my now deceased paternal grandparents. My own father was an azz and my life is better off without him. If it were my father that were adopted, I really can't think it would be any different.

Ahhh, OK. I wasn't sure if your mother (and uncle) were blood relatives of your grandparents (like when a relative will adopt the child/children of a sibling/child who can't care for them, etc) But I think you're saying that there was no *physical* connection, but once they were adopted they were considered their own children, hence the name/line contiued. Correct? I actually had a friend in highschool was was adopted (no genetic relation whatsoever) into an Italian family. She was the only one with blonde hair and freckles, and when people would ask her about it, she'd say "We're from the south of Italy"..... which I always found really weird. But I guess that she believed it in her heart that she WAS part of this family, and that she WAS Italian. When people would ask me why I don't look like my sister, I'd say "Cuz I'm adopted!" I find the different views fascinating.

And regarding family being more than genetics..... couldn't agree more. As I said to my stepdaughter, when her dad and I divorced, "Family are the people who love you and care for you..... and we will always be family." My ex's sister and I were really close, and I still refer to her as my sister-in-law. And now my husband and his family are part of my every-growing "family". There are people who look at me sideways, wondering how I can keep in touch with anyone related to my ex, now that I have a new husband. I guess I consider my "family" to be those who raised me and were raised with me + those I raised + those I gained through marriage....... I love 'em all!! And they all have different surnames, which brings us back to the topic of the thread and my point that I - personally - have no special attachement to a name one way or another... it's pretty much everything else BESIDES the name that makes me who I am.

L

My wife did not change her name when we married. She is from China and traditionally Chinese women do not change their name when they marry. Unlike some other Chinese names her name is short and very easy to pronounce. Her first name is only 3 letters and her family name is only 2 letters. In English it's pronounced exactly as it's spelled. At first she thought it was required that she change her name to mine in this country. When I told her she had the option she decided to keep her own name. Actually, she asked some of my friends and most of them thought she should keep her own name because her first name combined with my last name sounded a little strange.

I have no particular attachment to my maiden name and when I married my first husband, I happily took his name. It was easy to say & easy to sign. However, after the divorce I didn't want any part of 'him' so I went back to my maiden name. It was such a pain to change it back because I had to deal with Canadian immigration as well as the regular stuff & there was considerable expense involved.

Now I have a new husband (and another immigration process) - I will not be changing my name again. I will use my married name to keep my husband happy for non-official things only. It doesn't mean I love him any less. I think each person should do what feels right to them and I wouldn't cave in to pressure from other people.

I changed my surname because I wanted to and then I found out my husband liked that (he never said either way before). I was looking forward to becoming Mrs. *******. My maiden name is very common and simple. My married name is not hard, it rhymes with a common food brand in the U.S., but people here don't find it as easy as I thought. But I don't care.
Now my complete name is long and I like it. I have a Portuguese last name and I think it fits me.

I did not change my name. I wasn't making any particular statement, it was just our decision. But some people really can be so judgmental about it - I often detect a hint of the "oh god not another feminazi" eye roll.

I used my hubby's family name. I love it.