I have posted parts of our story throughout different stages of our just under a year old marriage, but I have not given the entire story. It has been a roller coaster marriage and long story short we have been in marriage counseling for almost the entire length of the marriage.

I began writing this email at 2:30 am as I was furious my husband still had not come home, and neither had my bank card which contained all our money as of 3PM before he left. In the middle of writing this email, my husband finally came home and my fury quickly turned to fear as he was extremely drunk, stumbling over everything. I ran to bed as fast as I could and laid there next to our two year old daughter with my heart pounding, hoping he wouldn’t hurt us. After what felt like forever (probably 15 minutes) of him banging and breaking stuff in the house he passed out. I vacillated between grabbing our daughter and running to a shelter, or waiting it out and hope when we all wake up tomorrow we will pretend nothing happened and go about our business like we normally do. I have gone back and forth hundreds of times over divorce, our daughter being the only thing keeping us together, but our counselor and the two of us talked through the worst times and they had convinced me not to make any serious decisions until after the new baby was born.

The baby is scheduled to arrive by cesarean in 3 days. I don’t know if I can wait that long : (

Unfortunately this is where things get even more complicated. I am the USC and a member of the diplomatic corp where I work at different embassies around the world. After a three year relationship and a long visa journey we were married in August 2007, just under a year ago. Two weeks after we were married, I was transferred overseas and moved the whole family to a far away country in Asia. The first night we were there, my husband physically assaulted me which included strangulation and threats with a knife, in front of our daughter. I called the police and we were immediately shipped back to the US and ordered to attend marriage counseling to decide what we wanted to do. Note that my work has told me if it happens overseas again, I will lose my job. Love makes you do crazy things and my husband is a great salesman. Hindsight is always 20/20. This was the first time in our three year relationship that he had physically hurt me (he has never physically hurt our daughter), but I guess that ring on the finger makes a difference. During the first stages of marriage counseling, the counselors gave us a lot of hope that this was something we could work through and I felt that I owed it to our daughter to try again. Of course with the adrenaline high of conflict there comes an adrenaline high of reconciliation, and this is when this new baby was created, very unexpectedly.

And even more complicated…..I just received my orders to move to Africa at the end of August. My husband is eligible for expedited citizenship and if we apply he could have his citizenship in the next 4-7 months, maybe even sooner, a benefit similar to that of military spouses.

Here is where your advice is appreciated. I will file for divorce, no doubt, but I am not sure when the best time to do this would be in regards to my husband’s immigration status and our move to Africa. Currently, he has his 2 year conditional green card. Should I wait to file until he is a citizen? What are the legal implications regarding his status and divorce, (ie. I signed the I-864)? And regarding custody? Can the court force me to quit my job? Would I be required to remain in the US if he receives joint custody? I have not spoken to a lawyer yet, but I will start making the calls on Monday to investigate further. It terrifies me that this man could get shared custody of our children, but from the research I have done on divorces in Michigan (where I believe I would file as it is listed as our permanent residential address, we currently reside temporarily in Washington, DC), it sounds like it is almost impossible to get full custody of the children. My husband has been unemployed for almost a year and finally started a job last week. He told me yesterday that he is not going to move with us to Africa unless he has a job, and therefore he wants to stay here. He said I should take the children and go overseas and send him money now and then to help pay for his rent. The nerve of this b$#%@^. Now I am just rambling, but any light you can shed on any of the above is greatly appreciated.

Just wanted to add one more note that he has not physically assulted me since that first time, it was the first and only time. If there were more physical threats I would not have stayed. There is obviously great emotional abuse, but until tonight there were no further signs of physical violence.

I would consult a divorce attorney where you currently reside. It is possible your husband would receive joint custody if he sought it and at least visitation. Yes, he could prevent you from taking the children out of the country. There is no need to wait for his citizenship. He can remove conditions on his own by showing he entered the marriage in good faith.

You really need a good attorney as soon as you can arrange it.

It sounds to me that you fear for the well being of yourself and the children, he does not have to physically assault you or the children for you to obtain a restraining order. a threat to harm is enough. keep in mind a restraining order may help in the long run, but it is just a piece of paper. A lawyer that specializes in this area is a must. what you need to do now is document everything and anything that could pertain to this. I would tend to think that if your employment history has you working overseas often and history proves so, than you should be able to continue as usual. if he is asking for money from you to pay his rent (wow), then he is not the type that would enjoy paying child support. not paying child support carries stiff penalties. i.e. loss of driving privilage. and jail time. I am the dad and have full custody of my son J. once his mother was ordered to pay support she decided it was best to give up her rights. not as simple as it sounds. but if you have any questions on that matter you may PM me. good luck and keep yours and your childrens safety #1 priority...

His Immigraton situation is his problem, however Citizenship would get you off the I-864.

I belive it is is difficult in these cases to move children out of state, never mind country, without his permission.

You need a Divorce Lawer

I concur with Boiler, that if the I-864 is an issue for you, the quickest way to satisfy that obligation is to have him naturalise. If you divorce, or are in divorce process, he'd have to await being an LPR for 4 years 9 months before he would become eligible...more if he spends time outside the USA in the meantime.

From what you wrote, I would assume that husband is a practical mfker. Sounds like he got a free ride. I think you should not worry about I-864- to inforce this, he would need a good lawyer (and he would need to make some $$ for a good one). I still have to hear if I-864 was inforced. You should not wait for him to pass out being drunk-call 911 and get restriction order. It might help you in future. You should not want him to get citizenship before divorce-it will give him more rights. (my girlfriend US citizen for 10 years had a big fight in court for a custody-because initially court gave full custody to husband since husband declared that she has an intention to take a child to China. Somehow, she was not informed about that first court date and missed it. Lately it took her over 3 years to get joint cutody.)
Sounds like he is going to blackmail you with children custody and work. I would pretend that all I care is my job and ready to leave children here with him to take care. I would give a good act day after day for about a week or two that how cool it would be for me live without kids and just do my work. I bet that he would freak out. Also I would tell that that I talked to a lawyer and lawyer said that child support would be just $small amount$ (so, he still would need to work). I would tell him that divorce is imminent-so, he should know that he cannot sweet talk you back.
I dont know if you can put up with an acting. But sounds like your husband is an actor but he is not a stupid one. He cares only about himself (and always did). He is probably very good at using everything he can to get what he wants. You just need to outsmart him, so lawyers later can write up some agreement regarding cutody, alimony, etc. He knows that he has some power over you because of kids and your job. Just take away some of his power. If you act good, he would believe your bs. After initial act (kids can live with him in US), I would say that it probably would be cheaper to pay for a nanny in Africa-so, you dont want but ok with taking kids with you but he would have to pay support. Later, I would say ok just get lost without support. It would be my game plan for a couple of weeks-just to knock the ground from him. (but ofcourse, I would take his name from all banks tomorrow and talk to lawyers tomorrow too).
I know most people would not understand what I wrote above. You have to meet this kind of people like OPs husband in your life to know how to deal and act. These msfkers dont care about anybody. But I might not know the whole story; so, might be wrong.

There are two issues. Obligation under the Affidavit of Support (clearly the easiest way out would be to meet the requirements as soon as possible).
Biological father of a child, which he is and has rights regardless of if he is a citizen or not.

Thank you everybody for your advice and/or support. The clarity of his selfishness is what pops out the most in all of this. That is the strangest part, that I have to outsmart him in this and he is a smart man, one of the reasons I married him. Everything I have done in the past few months has felt like I have had to calculate my reactions to his extra-ordinary behavior. I will be consulting with some attorneys today and hopefully I will have a better idea of how to move forward.

I think, con-artist is the word for these types. He is a street smart (by the way, means he had a lot of experience with woman/people). But dont overestimate him-he is not a rocket scientist; just a street smart crook. You have never dealt with this type; I had 1 experience (it was a girlfriend) but feel protected for life now because see the behaviour pattern quite soon. These crooks have thousand ways to treak you and they pretend all the time (it is natural). Since he is so clear and open about his expectations (like he expects you to pay his rent), he feels that he GOT you-so, he can be quite direct now since you are in his hand. He is shameless. I bet that you are a direct and honest person-these vampires can feed only on this type of innocent people. Dont calculate your reactions-just imitate his. He would not believe you at first but would later. The best way to make him believe is to call 911 when he gets angry. He would adapt his reactions right away.
I understand that he is a biological father. But I would bet that he does not want to do anything with children-he needs kids only as a source of some income, etc. He is a slefish narcicist.
All the best to you, Monica.

I would tell him that you are taking the position in Africa and just tell him the kids are coming with.
Let him pay the minimum of child support possible in exchange for full and total custody. It sounds like he wants out anyway. Let him go and move on. You will be ok. I just dont understand why you got pregnant with him again after he held you at knifepoint. That just seems like insanity in itself. You need to get battered womens counseling more than anything else

That is a good position if you talk to a normal person-not a selfish user.
I dont know -maybe he has some dignity and would agree to this.
My impression was that he might start to blackmail to such statement. Sounds like he is a smart person and understand situation. OP cannot take job and children at the same time. She needs his permission. He does not want to do anything with kids, but he does not want to pay child support either. He want some money (rent payment) for exchange for his permission to take kids from US.
OP cannot do anything if negotiations turn like this-she would have to forget about job or leave to Africa without kids. Husband knows that. Plus, I am sure that he cannot/does not want to babysit kids full time-he is "too mucho" for this. He would get scared if realized that she really wants to go to Africa and really really ready to leave kids in his care. He is not that stupid-2 small kids is a full time job-HE WOULD NOT HAVE ANY LIFE IF KIDS ARE WITH HIM. Even if OP pays some child support, bulk of it will go to babysitters and he still needs to be home with kids everyday. Child support would not cover 16 hours/day babysitters pay. And anyway, there is nothing left for him.
I hope I am wrong and husband has more sense and just agree OP move and for a full custody. Otherwise, job is at stake. I hate such users-specially, in this situation with kids involved. I wish all the best.

Monica,
I'm sad to see this post. I was hoping the counseling was going to work. But once an a$$ always an a$$ I guess. You are a strong & powerful woman, you will get through this.

Here's my suggestions. He will play your children, because he knows how much they mean to you, and to him they would mean more time out of his day. If he says he wants you to send him monthly $$ to help pay for his rent here, fine, you can promise to do that VERBALLY. He however must sign a document at a lawyers office that he allows you to freely travel with your children. Don't settle for anything less. Without this, you will have problems taking the kids out, and if he sees how much you need/want this, he'll play you more. Since your part of the deal is verbal, you can try to go back on it, once you are in Africa with the kids. I also believe this type of document would help you in the custody case later, as it will show he was OK with kids being abroad with you for long periods of time (will show his lack of wanting custody).

Also, given his abusive past, his lack of financial strength, how can he get any type of custody? Wouldn't this all show the court that he's a bad dad?? I'm not familiar with Michigan law, but that is just my personal view. Definitely recommend getting an attorney asap, and letting him know your husbands "smart-###" thinking, so you guys will always be a step ahead of him and what he comes up with.


p.s. It's been a couple days since you posted... did you have your baby yet? If so, Congratulations!