I came to the US 3 months ago. I have been feeling different, because everything is different now. I don't know anybody and in addition I don't have a way of meeting anybody because I am pregnant...on bed rest... I can't leave the house, only stay in bed and take a shower. Maybe walk around a little. I can't do much, and it's making me feel depressed. In addition I feel like I don't want to socialize, I want to be alone, but yet feel lonely.
I had a fight with my husband who doesn't seem to put any effort in understanding what it means to move all the way from a different culture to a new place where nothing is familiar. He has friends that live close to us. Tonight I asked him if we could go get some ice cream. He said okay and then came up with this idea of getting some ice cream for his friends and visiting them. Since I had my mind set for staying at home I said I don't want to go visit anybody tonight, I really wanted to stay in my comfort zone. So I was told how anti-social I was and how his life now is started to get similar to the life with the ex wife and I was told that I am not what he "bargained for" when he worked so f...g hard to get me here on a K1 visa. Isn't that just unfair to say ? Don't I have a right not to feel like socializing? I need time to feel content within myself before I go and share myself with people that are strange to me yet.
I am not working (I always did before), I am at home all the time cooking and cleaning (I am not used to that), I am in a new country, I didn't get the EAD yet, and the pregnancy came unexpected. My body is changing and I don't feel confident in it, not comfortable in this new environment...
My husbant says that 3 months is plenty of time to get used to new things and I am just making excuses...
I feel so lonely with this and you visajourneys are the only people I can trust right now. I will appreciate any words of wisdom... Even if you're going to be harsh with me...

no harshness here; just sympathy

you poor girl

*hugs*

it doesn't sound like he's being fair to you at all... my husband is being SO understanding and it helps so much; I don't know what I'd do if he acted differently


would it be easier to have the friends round in small groups, with some notice? maybe if they were on your turf, and you were prepared for them, it would be easier...? tricky though; it could just be more stress because you'd have to get things all tidy and ready for them... I don't know

I hope things improve for you soon
the first three months of a pregnancy are often the hardest, from what I hear; you'll probably start feeling better soon, and then you might feel like doing more
but your husband needs to get a bit of compassion and understanding

*more hugs and a nice cup of tea*

Thank you for the words. The pregnancy hormones are acting and making all of those issues seem even bigger. I finally got my ice cream out and am able to enjoy it. I couldn't eat after we had the fight today.
Thank you again. It's good to know that I can turn to people on vj for help!

Wow, I'm so sorry you are going through this and feel this way!

I know I've not been throught he same things exactly and I'm not in the usa already but when I was in France for three months I had a bad time and got really depressed and homesick and so I feel like I kinda understand how you feel.

Forgive me for stating the obvious but it sounds like your depressed right now from the situation, and your husband may not have realised or perhaps is not sure how to deal with it, as its not easy to see a loved one in this way and can be very confussing. Perhaps you need to sit him down and expalin how you feel and that you are not feeling /are yourself because of it and not to take it personnally just that you are finding things difficult to cope with so much change with so much making it difficult to move forward ( the bed rest and not being able to work) make sure he knows its not his fault and you are not blaming him, but that right now you need him and his help and support more than ever and that together you both can get through this.

As far as I've learn't about the big lows (depression) it wont go away on its own or if you ignore it. So I suggest maybe come up with ways to fight it. the obvious one I can think of is talking to a Counciler. or your Doctor. The one treating your pregnacy should be well versed with dealing with women with depression what with post and pre natal depression. Maybe he could help.
One thing I am trying to do is from learning the hard way from France is try make some friends, I know you said you don't feel like socialising now, but it might help to try make at least one female friend. I have made a point of being open to all the friends he has that I have met so far, and he has some female friends one of which talks to me regularly so now I have made a new friend and managed to embrace his life and friends so double bonus.
perhaps you could ask your husband if he has friends he thinks you may get on with and possibly equally bond with like he has and maybe he could organise a meet up thats not too much on you and in your comfort zone, like a lunch or bbq at your house?

I'm sorry for the long responce and I'm no expert these are just my opinions and observations from personnal experience in the past, but I hope some of it if not all helps.
I hope things get better for you soon.

Hannahxx

Thank you for all the advice. I am going to talk to my doctor about depression because you might be right. I also know I need to make friends, just making that first step feels difficult. I guess I have to. I realize that it's hard work. When you're depressed you feel like not doing anything at all, so that first step is a challenge.
Thank you for all. I will try to make it better. For tonight I can only relax.

yeh i know what you mean, about it being hard to make friends in such a situation,
thats why I think his friends would be the easyest place to socialise and
the first people you are gunna socialise with prior toead and things.

I hope you enjoy you rest tonight nad enjoy your ice cream.

and good luck with everything else. congrats on the baby by the way.

Hi Joanna,

I arrived at Seattle 3 month ago as well, I am feeling exactlly the same, the only difference is that my husband is being very supportive. Let me being completely sincere: in my mind your husband is being a little bit unfair, 3 months is NOTHING when you have left everything behind, changing country, culture and language!, as I have been spending a very hard time with this process I decided to research about this period of adjustment and I found out that it takes an average of 18 months up to 2 years to adjust to your new environment!, it is understandable, you are changing all your life!, you need time and comprehension, support...

I am facing another additional problem, the fear of looking for a job with my English, it is good enough and I am working very hard on that, but some times I can not fully understand when people speak!, that scares me a lot, I have worked all my life as well, I had a very good job in Colombia and now I am terrified with my professional expectations...I am goig to receive my EAD in August, so I will face this situation very soon...

Joanna, I hope from the bottom of my heart that you feel better very soon, I understand that the pregnancy is not going to help a lot because of the hormones but may be you can focus on the miracle you are living: you are going to have a baby!

You are not alone, many people are living your same situation, just hope, faith and love can help us to overcome this scary and hard period...

In spite of having a great husband I feel very lonely as well...

A huge hug for you

Yazz

it took a while for my husband to loose that feeling also when he got here. just hang in there and it will get better. soon ull have a new baby to keep u busy.

Wow. You have a lot to deal with, Joanna:

• The move to another country and culture
• Language barriers (English is my first language but I still have days where I don't understand what people are saying due to the accents or colloquialisms so I can't imagine the challenges you must face)
• Learning to live with another person
• Pregnancy hormones

I definitely understand the loneliness and feelings of wanting to hibernate. Go ahead and indulge in that from time to time. It will help you deal with it. But don't make it a habit.... that's not a good thing. It may sound counter-productive, but definitely do drop over to your friends' places with your husband. At first, it brings you out of your comfort zone and doesn't feel quite right. But, gradually, you will start enjoying yourself and all of a sudden you will feel good about it.

And, wow. Those pregnancy hormones. They are HUGE to have to deal with. Just as huge as moving to a different country or learning to live with someone 24/7. It's good that you're aware that they're screwing with your thought process. You really need to have an understanding husband for all these things that you are dealing with. I hope you are able to get that across to him. Perhaps he could read this thread?

Definitely come to VJ to chat with others, Joanna. I find it helps an awful lot to speak with others who know what you're going through. Eventually, the sad feelings will fade as you adjust. (((((BIG HUGS))))) And I wish you all the best.

some lovely responses since I was in here last night

just wanted to add - there are often support groups for mums-to-be, and certainly there are playgroups and similar for after the baby's born - friends of mine have made GREAT friends through such groups, and you've got the added bonus of something in common... often there are even language groups for that, so if you're intending to bring up your child bilingual, you can meet once a week with other mothers speaking the same language for their kids
just a thought

I just wanted to say THANK YOU everybody! Visa journey's are the best! You are the nicest people that one can meet on the internet. I have received so many nice words, you can't ask for better support group!
I also wanted to share with anybody that comes back to this post- we went for our scan today and the baby is a boy! What a joy! The news made such a difference. I think my husband has thought this through and will be much more supportive!
Sending love to all of you!

A baby boy, congratulations!

I have almost the same experience with you when I first got here. My husband wanted to introduce me to everybody (even the taxi drivers heard of me from my husband, imagine that--he takes taxi to work at times ). And I begged him off not to do that since I felt like I wanted to be alone. I didn't want to meet people. I was a very social person back home but when I got here, I just felt I do not feel at home. At first, he found it hard to understand but eventually, he did. He was adjusting to me too- to having an immigrant as a wife, so he didn't really realize the adjustments were overwhelming for both of us.

My advice is if you don't feel like socializing yet, let go of your worries and enjoy your alone time. Everything will happen in time. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be alone during your first year (that was what the doctor told me). Change can be overwhelming too. It is all part of the adjustment. Things will get better through time.

I wish you the best.

My wife arrived 8 months ago -- and from what I see the process of adjustment can be slow and difficult. Sometimes she seems fine with it all, other times she is terribly homesick, other times she is ... like a fish out of water. She is a Russian from Siberia. You are Polish. Your immigration situations may have quite a bit in common.

At times she just wishes to hear Russian speech. Or to be able to see an old friend. Or touch her grandson. She is lonely sometimes but not in a hurry to meet new people. Sometimes I push her and sometimes I realize I shouldn't.

Sometimes I think I'm doing well supporting her and anticipating her needs regarding adjustment. Then comes the question -- "I need ..." "Can we find ..." "Why haven't you ..." -- and I see I've been patting myself too much on the back.

And my wife isn't pregnant. You have a whole additional dimension complicating life practically and emotionally.

I have no advice. I hope your husband can become more understanding and attentive. He took on a serious responsibility in sponsoring a foreign wife. It would be good if he understood that. I also hope that as your pregnancy advances that you are able to enjoy that time. Once your son comes, your life will change radically. The difficulties you experience now will not stay this way for a too long a time.

First of all, I am very sorry for your pain and sadness. Sounds like you could use a big hug, so here is a cyber one for you <<<<<HUG>>>>>

If I may, I'd like to share with you something that changed my life not too long ago. Like you, I had become fixated on my life, and the things that I felt were out of my control. I am in no way saying that you don't have reason to feel as you do! When I had reached a really low point in my life, a dear friend gave me a book entitled "The Art of Loving". The main jist of the book is that we, as humans, have a tremendous capacity to GIVE...... even if what we give is *just* a smile or a "hello" to a neighbor. And we can give and give and give, endlessly! Once it sank in, I was able to turn from focusing on MY life, and all that I perceived to be wrong with it, and started looking OUT..... what can I GIVE? No, it didn't make my problems go away..... but rather I became empowered to solve my problems, because I had unknowingly given myself strength that I never knew I had!!!

I understand that you do not really want to go out and socialize with your husband's crowd. Been there!!! This is where the internet has really been a help to me. What do you like doing? What are your hobbies? For me, it was dogs. I love dogs, love being around them. So, I googled "dog clubs Raleigh NC". One of the results of the search was a flyball team.... didn't know what flyball was, but I got up the guts to email the team captain to ask if I could come and watch one of their practices. Not only was my love of dogs fulfilled, but I met the most wonderful group of friends!! They have always been there for me, and are my local "family". From there, I was introduced to a local dog rescue group, and now am a foster volunteer with them! And it all started because I thought "Hmmmmm.... what do I like? What am I good at? What can I give?" Now I have a fantastic group around me, and I never feel lonely. And, interestingly enough, my husband is thrilled that I have what he calls "your dog stuff"!

Being pregnant is, I'm sure, a challenge on it's own, and I realize that you have so much on your plate right now. But I hope that you will at least think about all the amazing things you are and that you have to offer. There is only one YOU in the world, and no matter what others say or how they try to make you feel, no one can make you less than you are.

Thank you for your words. I am defintely going to ask my husband to read what you wrote here. It might speak to him better than any of my talking! Thank you again!

Oh I a so glad you have had some good advice

I only moved a few days ago so it all kinda feels like a holiday yet although when I think about not being able to visit home right away I get sad. I am lucky in that I speak the language (well...) and my other half has been such a brick although he does get impatient with me from time to time (normaly when I am being really demanding and he has literally done all he can and I am still not happy )

I completely understand about the whole unexpected thing though - I am fine with most things going on, but if I have something sprung on me at the last minute then I tend to freak out, even if it is something I would normally be fine about. Maybe you could explain this to your husband as well and let him know that you would like to go visit his friends sometime but to give you the notice so you can spend the time making yourself feel good (soak in the bath, do your hair and make-up etc) and getting your head around being in a social situation

These things will take time so try to not be too hard on yourself - I am not expecting things to feel completely normal for about a year and even that is a conservative estimate. I might feel ok before but I don't want to put pressure on myself

I hope it all goes ok for you

*hugs*

AND! Congratulations on your baby boy Now you get to pick names toghether!!

I truly feel for you. You husband has to try and be more understanding that you are in a strange country, you will need time to adjust. Three months is certainly not long enough for that. It's a different culture entirely. Plus you are pregnant and on bed rest. That in itself is alot to deal with. You and he need to sit down and really talk about how you feel and the two of you need to find a solution. I wish you the best and congratulations on your impending motherhood.

Congratulations on your little boy! I hope the rest of your pregnancy is healthy and that you feel better.

I arrived in the US eight years ago and the first three years were by far the most difficult. I am from South Africa so absolutely everything - including the seasons - was 'messed up'. Looking back though, I know that the adjustment - difficult adjustment - wasn't only n my side, but my husband was going through adjustments of his own. He had suddenly become my translator (we both spoke English, but South African English and American English differ greatly in translation!), my tour guide, my teacher (grocery shopping was an overwhelming experience in itself - so much to choose from!), my therapist (who else could I turn to?)... all roles that would never have been assigned to him had we both been from the same country/culture. It was sometimes difficult for him to grasp the depth of the changes I was experiencing, but thankfully he has lived overseas himself and had an idea. In his case he always knew he was going 'home'. In my case I had to make the US 'home'.

Studies have shown that immigrating is as stressful as a divorce or losing a spouse/child to death. I found that making friends with other expats - not necessarily South Africans - helped tremendously. It showed me that what I was feeling was not abnormal and it helped my hubs further understand what adjusting and assimilating here takes.

Obviously being pregnant is affecting you too (as most have said). Why not join a moms-to-be group or start a foreign moms group yourself? Whatever you do, I think it's important that you meet and make new friends if your health permits. This way you can share your feelings with friends and the discussion with your hubs does not always have to be about your adjustment.

I wish you everything of the best in your pregnancy and your time of adjustment.

I'm not going to defend what your husband said to you about his past marriage. That wasn't real 'sensitive' and I hope (as you say) that he's rethinking things.

But I would like to defend what I think he was trying to do with the ice cream. He might have thought that having ice cream with friends would be a way to get you out of the house and into the company of others. I'm sure he realizes your alone all day by yourself. He might have felt the change of atmosphere would do you good.

Hey Gurl! congrats on ur pregnancy! Just want to let you know that "adjusting" to life here in the US is a work in progress, from what I observed with my husband. He has been here a year and 3 months and we are just getting adjusted! Things I took for granted in assuming my hubby would just "adjust" was totally wrong. Your hubby needs to be patient with you. Its really hard to explain...............and then the hormones from pregnancy! LOL! I wish you the best of luck with your journey

Hello there, I've been here in the US for almost 2 years now but sometimes, I still feel very lonely and sad but I give my appreciation to my husband, who helped me so much. When I first arrived here in the US last 2006, its almost everyday that I keep on crying because I misses my family, I have no friends to turn to or talked to ,although I have Uncle
's and Aunt's who lives in the US but they are too far away from me.

My husband understands that it is really a big change for me so what he did was that every time he saw people that look like Asian to him he always managed to ask them if they are Filipino/ Filipina. Then, he is the one trying to reach other Filipinos that lived around our place and I was able to meet them and became good friends with other Filipinos/Filipinas.

Your husband should understand and be sensitive with your feelings. He should do his part, to take care of you and not hurt your feelings especially that you are pregnant.

I have friends at work but of course most of the time, I just hang out with my husband's family or just stay in the house if both of us are off from work and just enjoying each other's company.

I hope all is well with you. Take care.

Regards,
Geraldine

It is hard adjusting for both you and your husband. Both of you have to change the way you lived when you were alone and make compromises. You have it even harder when trying to adjust to a new life and being pregnant at the same time.

Three months is not enough time to get used to a new life, new culture, loss of old friends, etc.

My husband has been here a little under a month and he still gets nervous about the prospect of getting lost in our neighborhood.

Hi Joanna, I am sorry to hear about your sad story. I am sorry to hear about your husband's limited acceptance and understanding of your difficult adjustment. I can't believe he reacted unreasonably that way. I heard that it will take at least 3 years for someone to get well-adjusted to moving to a new country, dealing with new culture and new set of people, and not 3 months He should have not brought up his life with his ex too. How come he did that? I can feel the dilemma you are facing specially that you got pregnant unexpectedly which tends you to become more emotional. Besides you are not doing things you were used to for years. Is there anything you are passionate doing which can be done at home? Like cooking or gardening, making crafts, etc.?

Pray that God will both bless you and your husband with open minds and hearts for each other. It's hard to make ends meet when one's mind/heart is close.

I hope and wish you a better, happy, contented life.

God bless,
-Riza

I agree with the others that the comment about his life with the ex wasn't the greatest. That would have hurt me badly, too.

I also agree that it is hard being here at the beginning with no one to turn to and being pregnant does make it all even more difficult, I'm sure. I would be very scared being pregnant at this point, with no one to rely on but my husband, so I admire you for that!

However, I think we (the immigrants) need to put ourselves in the USC's position every once in a while too. It is a stressful time for them, also. My husband suffers when I'm unhappy, feels guilty for "dragging" me here, has little time since he works hard and travels frequently and then feels even worse for leaving me here by myself. At the beginning, I "abused" him by talking to him like I would to a very good female friend, which he couldn't handle. I still do that every once in a while, but I warn him before I do, and he is much more understanding now. He realizes that he has to take over that role for me while I'm lacking such a friend. This will pass, too.

Give both of you some time, once the baby is here you will meet people through the child, I'm sure! Hang in there!

Hi there.. I can understand your feeling.. they say when you are pregnant you then to be emotional and its not your fault. You have a family here.. I have a good book to recommend.. Try reading Sophie Kinsella's Shopaholic series.. she has 5 books in total.. and its last one was shopaholic and baby.. I hope after a while you can now go out and meet others or do some stuff outside.. in the mean time.. i hope you enjoy reading Kinsella's manuscripts.. they are hilarious.. the 2nd book is about moving on other country as well to be with someone she loves,.. shopahoic goes to manhattan:D

Godbless you.. and congratulations for y our baby...

Lots of hugs and heartfelt wishes. I don't think anyone can realise how it is to move countries. My own move is imminent and I am anxious . But, back to you.

Your husband doesn't realise what a big leap of faith its been for you to move countries. Keep the communication going....sit him down and have a heartfelt talk. Remember, not only have you moved countries, got married...NOW you are pregnant. That's a lot of change in a short time.

My prayers go with you...no harsh words. xx

Thank you for understanding

Sorry to hear that..Makes me wanna brake his nose..
I understand your lonelyness,most of people experience it before getting green card and rights to drive around or do whatever you want to...
In my case i am lucky,since my husband does everything possible to make it easy for me and i am not even pregnant...
I feel bad for you...why dont you tell him you also hoped for a better husband that would treat his pregnant wife better...

Hugs,stay strong