I have posted here before about what I am going through in my marriage. Now my husband has deceided to file for a divorce. I dont have money, no job, no where to go, and we have a 2 years old daughter together, but he want me to move out and leave our daughter with him, telling me that I can always come and see her. He said that last week saturday night.

But since this monday my husband has been nice to me, talking nice, and treating me nicely and taking me to so many stores looking for a job, but with no luck yet. But right now I have two Technical Support job interview next week, which was send to me by my school. Yesterday he told me that he is filling for the divorce, and that we just have to work together and agree on things so that we wont need a lawyer and waste any money. I have been married to my husband before he bought the house we live in now, and we have been married for 3 years. During the 3 years, I only stay at home with our daughter and taking care of the house.

Now he want to divorce without settling me or paying any arlimony. My sister in Nigeria talked to some of her atorney friends in the states and I was told not to sign anything and I also have entitlement to alimorny. He cant ask me to leave with our child and go were, or leave without our daughter. I was asked not to sign any paper he present to me, because he is looking for a way to wiggle himself out of this situation. I dont want to accept any public funds, because I know they will come after him. But what do I do, I am really confused here. What are my right I have no idea

Please someone I need advice

Trinity,

If I found myself in your shoes I would very nicely smile and tell him that you agree, that it would be best to dismantle the marriage in the smoothest and least expensive fashion. Therefore, you will be happy to give consideration to each of his demands so long as he first puts them all in writing, and then pays for you to take them to an attorney of your choosing for his review!

If he has nothing to hide, he'll be amenable. If he is outraged, then run to the nearest legal aid office and ask about pro bono legal assistance.

Good advice from mermaid. be cool "you wanna play , lets play" Check mate im mommy and you pay. Cant turn love on and off like faucet when there is kids and wife involved.

Dont you go anywhere if you move out he will say that you left on your own and you wont be able to prove that he had asked you to. Stay in the house, find a job and a lawer, sick for legal advice and yes DONT SIGN ANYTHING WITHOUT SHOWING IT TO A LAWER!!

Good luck!

My suggestions:

1) Be calm.
2) Don't show your thoughts, emotions to your husband.
3) Do not sign any document/papers he gives to you!!!!!
3) Have him write down his "suggestions" on how to seperate property/child custody/finances
4) Take his list to a divorce lawyer.

A divorce lawyer will tell you your options/rights in regards to seperate of real property (house/furniture/cars) and also child custody options.

Be careful not to sign anything your husband gives you because you may be agreeing to something that does not treat you fairly.

Trinity,

You need a lawyer. He is only looking after his own interests if he wants an uncontested divorce and divide things up as he sees fit.

Do not tell him what you're doing, and go seek some free legal advice, even for a consultation. Explain that you have a child, how long you've been married, any assets that your husband has (savings, retirement, home, car, wages etc). Explain how he approached you for a divorce and that he wants your child to live with him and you can "visit".

Don't worry about saving him money - save yourself money and get an attorney. They will ensure that you and your child are looked after.

Sorry to hear about your situation. Best wishes.

Cat

he is playing u...he knows u dont know the system here. dont sign anything. u r intitled to child support and alimony. make him pay. thats why he is acting like mr. nice guy now.

Exactly!!! I have been through a divorce. DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!! DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING!!!!

Talk to a lawyer. You are entitled to half of everything. You are entitled to spousal support and child support. Also he will probably have to pay your fees for your lawyer. I would imagine that the judge will make him move out of the house, not you.

As far as child custody, the mother usually gets custody. And if by chance he got custody, he would still need to pay you child support. This I know, I have custody of our daughter and I still have to pay her mother money.

But most importantly, do not move out and don't sign anything until you talk to a lawyer.

I agree, also try and get together a little cash. Give yourself as much of a safety net as you can.

If you have a joint bank account check the balance, make sure he isn't siphoning it off.

He cannot file for divorce if you dont sign (I think he wants to go through cheapest route-"non contested"). He would have to do separation first which is 1 year or more. Separation means -he leaves the house (you should never even think about leaving house) and files separation form with court (but not everywhere). He can file for divorce at the end of required separation period. During separation you might have temp orders which means he has to support you completely till divorce and ofter divorce -whatever judge decided. (you might get bigger alimony if you dont work-maybe that is why he is so actively getting you a job?).
But even you sign "non contested" (means you agree with divorce and waive your right to contest), in some states you still have to go to hearing because of a child. (non contested is done in a few months without any hearings; but you might file agreement about property division with non-contested package). If I am not mistaken, only judge can decide about custody and child support issues. You can agree about alimony between you two.

Start making copies of everything you can. EVERYTHING. Organize a binder or folder with everything in it so when you eventually go to court you have "evidence" of everything, not just his version.

And call a lawyer right away. There's no lawyer in town that's going to turn you down, you're money in the bank! You don't need "public assistance" lawyers to help you pro bono. Your lawyer will work it so your husband has to pay for everything, including the divorce lawyers. (That's why your husband is saying "no attorneys now, please.")

Depends on the state you live in and were married, each has different laws regarding divorce. Also wonder what the USC's side of this story is? But guess we shall never find out or know, interesting though, just a thought. Sounds like he wanted you to get a job after not working for three plus years, maybe you need to sit down with your spouse and find out if that is what is bothering him so much that he wants a divorce, if you worked he might suddenly have a change of heart.

zqt had a good point in that each state has their own unique set of laws associated with separation and divorce. Please sit down for a consultation with a lawyer in your state, as most lawyers offer a free initial consultation.

zqt does make another good point (did I really just say that?) in that joint therapy may help you to at least figure out what your husband wants. this will be helpful regardless of whether you stay with him or not.


But, taking care of a young child and keeping house IS a job and it IS work. Any words to the contrary is a mark of ignorance and disrespect.

Couldn't agree more.

It is strange for him to have such a sudden change of heart...within days of him helping you find a job? It makes me think that this stemmed out of frustration rather than some issue that just came to a head. I agree with some of the other posters that it might be worth seeking counseling first before seeking a lawyer.

Half of everything???
Pay child support if you are the custodial parent??

What planet were you divorced on???

Thank you everyone for your replies I really do appreciate it. I will like to answer some peoples question about what makes him want to file for divorce. I have been married for 3 years now, and the whole thing started in 2006. He just changed because I saw some picutes sent to him by one woman, the pictures were inappropriate, and I asked him, but he said I have no right to check his email. And since then he kind of changed the way he acted towards me. He doesnt want me to talk to anybody, he doesnt want to have a friend, not to talk of my friends back home from Nigera, because I am from Nigeria, and I have a degree in Banking and Finance, and most of friends are male. And everything just changed when one of my friend called me back home. That was how the whole thing started, and since then anything I do he will naged. He was just hurting me everday, and insulting me, its painful but I have no where to go, no family, no friends, so I stay. The only thing I talked to was my diary, because I always writing down everysingle thing he does to me in my diary. And I have been mad at him since AUGUST OF 2006. That was how the whole thing started.

I havent have got a chance to post here, due to so much that have been happening. Okay this is what happen the past few days. last week wednesday while I was in school, my husband threw my stuff out, because he said he saw some picture that I took. I took those pictures by myself, because I wanted to see how I look like, since two years my husband has been ignoring me, insulting, calling me retarted, saying I was ugly, that I was stupid, idiot, I am hopless, accusing me of taking his stuff, I mean all kind of things that comes out of his mouth are very insulting and anoying. I have hated him for 2years good years, but I stayed because of my daughter. So I took those pictures because I thought I am ugly and retarted, that no one would want to talk to me because I am ugly. But seeing myself in those pictures make me realize that eh I am not that ugly, that I am perfect with my body and my self. So he took my daughter to somewhere I wouldnt know. He told me that when he came to my school, so I have to called the police, but they couldnt do anything anyway. I was asked to go to court the following day, but I did not because I have an interview with a company I was trying to get into. But last week friday my husband called me and asked if I would love to come to the house and see my daughter of course I said yes, he came in the evening to pick me up.

On our way to the house, he started apologising, telling me that he would like to work things out with me, because he want our family back. But I was still mad at him, because I have been through so much from him. I was happy when I saw my daughter, but she wasnt looking good, because she was thirsty. I felt like I have gone for a month. At the house he was asking me whom I always talk to on yahoo, but I told him I was only talking to my sister and my friends, because I havent got any since I have been here. He started apologising, saying he was sorry for what he has done to me, and he said he was just angry when he saw the pictures that I took, and he thought I was retarted or have a problem in my head because I dont talk back to him whenever he was insulting. I told him to give me some weeks to think, because of the pain that I have been through, and that I have been buckling anger in my heart for too long, but he wont accept it.

But right now I am still in his house, and I am happy I am still with my daughter, because she really missed me a lot. But now I am still thinking, I dont know what to do because I dont love him anymore, and I dont want to tell him that, I dont want him to know. During those arguing time, he told me that since the house is in his name, that I have no right to it, and that I wont receive alimorny or what soever and we would share 50/50 custody once I get a job. But right now he is driving me nut with all his nice doing, treating me like a queen, trying to kiss me, and I am confused.

One more thing, he has found all his stuff he has been accusing of stealing, I was just standing looking at him, because I told him to calm down and look for his stuff because I knew he misplaced them. I was so mad when I saw him bringing them out, I felt hitting me, but I kept my cool. He apologise saying he was jerk, he look stupid, but I dont care anymore.

That is the latest, right now I am confused, I dont know what else to do, because I am just staying for my daughter's sake.

Thank you everyone for your replies I really do appreciate it. I will like to answer some peoples question about what makes him want to file for divorce. I have been married for 3 years now, and the whole thing started in 2006. He just changed because I saw some picutes sent to him by one woman, the pictures were inappropriate, and I asked him, but he said I have no right to check his email. And since then he kind of changed the way he acted towards me. He doesnt want me to talk to anybody, he doesnt want to have a friend, not to talk of my friends back home from Nigera, because I am from Nigeria, and I have a degree in Banking and Finance, and most of my friends are male. And everything just changed when one of my friend called me back home. That was how the whole thing started, and since then anything I do he will naged. He was just hurting me everday, and insulting me, its painful but I have no where to go, no family, no friends, so I stayed. The only thing I talked to was my diary, because I always writing down everysingle thing he does to me in my diary. And I have been mad at him since AUGUST OF 2006. That was how the whole thing started.

I havent got a chance to post here, due to so much that have been happening. Okay this is what happen the past few days. last week wednesday while I was in school, my husband threw my stuff out, because he said he saw some picture that I took. I took those pictures by myself, because I wanted to see how I look like, since two years my husband has been ignoring me, insulting, calling me retarted, saying I was ugly, that I was stupid, idiot, I am hopless, accusing me of taking his stuff, I mean all kind of things that comes out of his mouth are very insulting and anoying. I have hated him for 2years good years, but I stayed because of my daughter. So I took those pictures because I thought I am ugly and retarted, that no one would want to talk to me because I am ugly. But seeing myself in those pictures make me realize that eh I am not that ugly, that I am perfect with my body and my self. So he took my daughter to somewhere I wouldnt know. He told me that when he came to my school, so I have to called the police, but they couldnt do anything anyway. I was asked to go to court the following day, but I did not because I have an interview with a company I was trying to get into. But last week friday my husband called me and asked if I would love to come to the house and see my daughter of course I said yes, he came in the evening to pick me up.

On our way to the house, he started apologising, telling me that he would like to work things out with me, because he want our family back. He said he have no idea that he love me, because he doesnt love me since he met me, and that he just liked me, and he was also trying to help me. He said that I was a very nice person that was why he brought me here. And he now realized that he love when he put me out of his, and that he was so sad about it. I could not believe that, I asked him why did he want me here when he knew he doesnt love me, so he want me here to be a nany to our daughter, I was evern more mad, but I didnt let it show. But I was still mad at him, because I have been through so much from him. I was happy when I saw my daughter, but she wasnt looking good, because she was thirsty. I felt like I have gone for a month. At the house he was asking me whom I always talk to on yahoo, but I told him I was only talking to my sister and my friends, because I havent got any since I have been here. He started apologising, saying he was sorry for what he has done to me, and he said he was just angry when he saw the pictures that I took, and he thought I was retarted or have a problem in my head because I dont talk back to him whenever he was insulting. I told him to give me some weeks to think, because of the pain that I have been through, and that I have been buckling anger in my heart for too long, but he wont accept it.

But right now I am still in his house, and I am happy I am still with my daughter, because she really missed me a lot. But now I am still thinking, I dont know what to do because I dont love him anymore, and I dont want to tell him that, I dont want him to know. During those arguing time, he told me that since the house is in his name, that I have no right to it, and that I wont receive alimorny or what soever and we would share 50/50 custody once I get a job oh he also said that if I have a job I wont get alimorny, but if I dont have a job I will get half of the time we were married. But right now he is driving me nut with all his nice doing, treating me like a queen, trying to kiss me, and I am confused.

One more thing, he has found all his stuff he has been accusing of stealing, I was just standing looking at him, because I told him to calm down and look for his stuff because I knew he misplaced them when he was looking for them. I was so mad when I saw him bringing them out, I felt like hitting me, but I kept my cool. He apologise saying he was jerk, he look stupid, but I dont care anymore.

That is the latest, right now I am confused, I dont know what else to do, because I am just staying for my daughter's sake.

I'll second that, pay child support if u r the cutodial? I want what ur smoking.. yea there r 2 sides to the story, and we don't have his..I love my wife dearly, but some of the vultures on this site are making me wonder about marriage again. TRY the counseling first. or at least fill us in on why he has a change of heart.. U MUST KNOW? nobody wants to see a mother and child get screwed over, but please no linching the husband until we have all the facts and he is proven guilty... ( or she is)

does he do drug's? he sounds a bit confused or maybr a lot... look into his history and see if he ever had a problem with drinking, drugs, or depression... that will surely work against him.. good luck

I know there are two sides to the story, and infact I dont know what he will do when he found out that I am posting here. Well I believe the reason is because he doesnt love me in the first place as he said, I also think because he found out that I am talking to people now, and he is thinking there is more to it than just friends. But in my own point of view I believe he has that in mind for long, because he has been telling me that once I get a job, I will get my own place, because he cant stand his stuff being missing, but I dont respond to him whenever he said or insulting me and when I talked back to him, he will tell me oh I have the nerve to talk.

And he is not on drug, he just 20 years older than me.

You have not worked at all during the marriage. Normally, I'd be against the woman since she hasn't contributed anything financially and now wants half of everything (that he worked for), plus alimony. The divorce laws and divorce judges are so biased towards women that it's sickening.

But in this case, the guy sounds like a real scumbag and I hope you take him for everything you can because he's obviously trying to use her lack of knowledge of the divorce system against her.

Btw, if he doesn't want you to get a job... it's not because it will affect your alimony but because if you can't show that you are able to support your daughter then he will get full custody and won't have to pay you child support.

Like others have said, talk to a lawyer, most don't charge for the initial consultation and will work on contingency. They will take a chunk of you get or ask the court to make him pay lawyer fees.

You need to also get a job and a good place to live if you want any chance for custody of your daughter. No judge will award you custody if you can't feed or provide a house for your daughter.

Yes I know all that. I wanted to work when our daughter was 3 months old but he wont let me, because he was complaning about day care fees, which I told him I will pay, but he said no that it mean I will be working and giving all the money to the day care. I am not trying to stiff him out of anything, all I want is to be able to be with my daughter, besides the house was bought when we are married, and I dont care about it, all I care is my daughter that is it. I am really trying to get a job, and I have been applying for months

I agree with you 100%, KidB, the divorce laws seem biased toward the woman, but in this case, it seems justified.

Usually, I agree that there are 2 sides to every story, but if the husband's actions in this case are half true, it doesn't matter what his side of the story is. It's obvious he is taking advantage of this lady.

Trinity, it's been said many times in this post, and you need to take the advice. First thing tomorrow (if not today) TALK TO A DIVORCE ATTORNEY. That is the only way you will find out what you need to know to secure custody of your child, as well as what you are entitled to under the law in a divorce/separation.

Your husband DOES NOT have your best interests in mind, and you need to protect yourself. He is lying to you about what will happen in a divorce, and you need to find out the truth. DO NOT tell him you are talking to a attorney, just go talk to one. And don't worry about the money, in a situation such as this, most likely, your husband will end up paying for your attorney as well.

I hope you take the advice given to you, before it is too late, and you are put in a position you cannot recover from.

BTW, where did you stay when your husband threw you out? Do you have friends that you can go to if it happens again? Please protect yourself NOW!

Actually, it was California! As far as California goes, Chilld Support is not even something that the judge will let you negotiate between the lawyers. They use a computer program. They put the husbands income in, and the wife's income in, then some other figures including who has custody. Then it spits out the amount that of child support that needs to be paid. It is not just based on who has custody. But it is also based on the fact that the court wants the child to be able to have the same lifestyle when the child does visitation.
In my case, my ex used to have jobs about 5 years before the end of our marriage when she made six figures. But decided to quit one day because she got upset with her boss. When we got divorced, I was making very good money and she was only making $11/hr because she did not want to work in her industry anymore.
So yes, I have custody of our daughter and still have to pay her child support. It is not that much, only about $200 a month, but that is California law and no way around it.
It is the alimony that pisses me off. That is quite a bit more. And the law in California says, if you are married less than 10 years, you pay alimony for half the length of the marriage. But if it was more than 10 years, there is no limit on how long you can pay.

Retirement - You add up all of both of your retirements divide it in half, and this is how much the other one gets.

House - If it was purchased before the marriage, there is a formula they use. If the house was purchased during the marriage, you each get half. It does not matter whose name it was in. If you live in a community property state EVERYTHING purchased during the course of the marriage is divided in half.

Belongings - Anything purchased during the marriage is divided in half.

Custody - It does not matter if you have a job or not. The judge will award you enough to care for your child. The judge only looks at how the child has been living. If it has been primarily one parent taking care of the child, he will not change that arrangement. This is another reason not to leave the house without your daughter. If you leave, you abandon the house. Also if he is taking care of the child, it will be harder for you to get custody.

The only way I got custody, me and my ex agreed that we would not drag my daughter through the court and we would both agree to whatever our daughter wanted. My daughter wanted to live with me. She does not even like to visit her mother.

Thank you for that clariffication. Actually I have been taking care of our daughter since she was born, I feed her, bath her, change her diaper, having sleepless night whenever she wokes up. My husband doesnt help me, he even told me that I was the one who wanted to have a child and that I should take care of her. Its now that he started paying more attention to her, because he doesnt do that before. Whenever he was watching movies, sport or have his friends arround, he will asked us to go in to the bedroom to go watch cartoon.

Yes the house was bought during our marriage, and some of the things in the house, though I am not trying to stiff him out of anything, but I just dont want him take my daughter away from me, because he cant handle her but me.

i have thought twice about my previous post and i now believe that in the unlikely event that your husband got custody, he may still have to pay child support along with supporting you. I assume he did sign an affidavit of support. which means he has agreed to support you. so if one of your bills are child support, that bill should be passed to him to pay. ( imagine that ). I would be interested to see how that would actually work out...if someone has more info on this, please fill in the blanks

Go to the local agencies, get assistance, get a pro bono attorney, got to pree ESL classes, go to the free start your own business classes, get business grant, find beter husband, become citizen and immigrate your mother and sisters here.. Its the American dream live it without the jerk..its easy as that

You wonder why he is nice to you now... I think it is because he has to take care of a child on a full time basis for a few days and it bore him down. Even if he tells you that he wants 50/50 custody, he is thinking that you will take care of daugher most of the times and he will just take her to trips/on Sun etc. It is just my impression on your husband. (does not mean that he does not love daughter but sounds like it is more like a toy-he wants to have her only when he wants).
I would doubt that he suddenly changed his heart about you from ignoring/insulting to being sweet barely overnight. What happen during this period of sudden change in his behaviour-he had to take care of a child (which he never did before) and probably talked to a lawyer (and learnt that he would have to support you more since you dont have job). Also, he might have appreciated your work with kid and house once he trew you out of the house.
I would say, you still need to get a job now or later. Better now-I dont believe in sitting without job only in hopes of larger alimony. Dont move out of your house. I would say, live there as long as you can and save money for your place. Plus, you would not want to move your child to a bad place. You will need to have enough to buy everything (furniture, TV, appliances) or husband has to buy everything for you. Child is involved here-even if you dont care about yourself, you cannot bring child to worst lyfestyle.