Hi Vjers. I just wanted to vent a little about what me and my husband have been facing here. Whenever we go shopping or out in public we get such hateful looks from some african american women. They dont even know us and they look me up and down and mad dog me and scowl at my husband. We see them sometimes whispering to themselves. I have heard that interracial couples can face this but actually receiving it is disheartening. Maybe its where we live, I do know. My husband has got to the point that he sees them and we turn the other way. Calling them half jokingly, "the enemy"Of course not all black women but he already sees the way they are looking at us and steers me the other way.

Seperately we are greeted with smiles but when they see us together their faces drop. I shared this with one of my close friends and she said "Im sorry but I agree with them, its hard to find a spiritual black man and to see them prefer whites makes me mad" I was stunned by this but I respect her view but it took all the love I had for this sister to not say "oh it couldnt be because you are an immature whiny and bitter person that you dont get interest?" Ha! We are all humans capable of reflecting Godly qualities and who cares if the skin and culture is different.....I mean its hard enough for interracial and intercultural couples to always understand each other at times...bump that! its hard enough for a man and woman to understand each other at times let alone have to deal with ignorance.

We are mixed in our family and it was never an issue when my brother married my sister in law but to actually experience it was sad. My husband is very friendly and distinguished looking and he gets smiles from everyone including black women but then when they notice we are married the atmosphere changes. i'll be in the grocery store in line and will chatting with some women then my husband comes to stand by me and bam, everything changes. Now its not everyone but its at least one every time.

I can respect my friends point of view and for her part she doesnt show any negative feelings for us but I guess others cant help but be hateful and make sure we know they dissapprove. Whatever. Go get right with Jesus then maybe you can appreciate the beauty of true love and how it can be manifested.

For the most part we let it go and maintain our joy but I just felt like venting.......Thanks for letting me.

I can say that I have experienced this as well...but from both sides. What I have found, though, is more interested glances then outright scowls. You will probably experience a whole lot more of that before it gets better.

I ignore the fools.

Those that do that kind of thing are just ignorant and self-absorbed. It's not an across the board thing and is unfair to categorize as such.

Dont let the ignorance of others steal your joy. Whomever someone love or decides to marry is thier business and african americans should be the last to stereotype anyone nor should they try to put anyone down because of the color of ones skin. Skin color does not choose the one you love but the heart does. Live your life girl and be as happy as you can be.

Much Love,
Barb

PS I know what u mean and how u feel

Dont be disheartened! just ignore them like other vj'ers here have advised,its so superficial to judge someone u dont really know at all,Mind their own business!treat them as if they dont exist.
Whats important is that your happy being with your SO.

Just to clarify the post I made earlier: I am african american and when my husband and I are out, we get the same looks and whispers mostly from my own sisters and brothers but I never let it get to me.
Barb

The reality is that interracial relationships are still pretty new in America and it's taking time for people to get used to seeing two different races dating and marrying. It can be especially bad if you are living in the South or a small town. As long as you two are married, then just expect that to come with the territory.Sorry to see that you are experiencing that. I feel your pain. I've been in your shoes and it can be very uncomfortable to have people staring at you as if you are an alien. My ex-husband is Mexican and we used to get looks from Mexicans and the African-Americans. As Jomo's Girls said, most of the looks were mainly out of curiosity. I think a lot of people are truly interested in seeing an interracial couple. Every once in a while I would see someone looking at me all crazy and I would look right back at them.

Even now my husband and I get crazy looks and I am a black woman with an African man. I don't know if it is the fact that he is foreign, but we get just as many looks as I did in an interracial relationship. Be prepared to do a lot of ducking and dodging or practice your ignoring techniques because the looks won't be going away anytime soon.

so sorry to hear you are dealing with such ignorance even in this day and age! That has to be frustrating for you both.

I hope you know that there is still more 'good' out there than bad and most of us are delighted you both found love! Whether you're white, black, blue, pink, orange or brown!

Be happy! Ignore the fools!

Efia - Sorry that you are experiencing such. Keep your head high, and love your man like there is no tomorrow.

Stay strong!

Boaz

Sorry to hear you are dealing with this. Sadly, we get the looks as well. When my husband first got here and I noticed the looks, me being the quiet person I am (NOT) would make comments like "yeah, we look good don't we?" LOL! Now I just ignore the looks. I figure people are not happy with themselves and are trying to find fault in others to make themselves feel better.

Sorry Efia on how you are feeling. I really know how you feel as I am white and my husband is Nigerian. It's ok to vent that is what we are here for. You just have to remember these people don't pay your bills or live in your house so ignore them. I live in southern Georgia and we get the looks from both sides but in my experiences the ones that act that way are very ignorant and haven't even been out of the city they live much less another country. Educated people are more curious and know their is more to this world than just the neighborhood they live in and tend to be more receptive.
It will just be something you have to get used to but they are the ones with the problem. Love has no color.
Life is too short to be worrying about what other people think just enjoy your husband and ignore the rest!

Hey Efia,
Glad you and hubby are doing fine. Sorry about the "mean muggz". There was a similar thread months ago that addressed some of the similar things you mentioned. The thread was started by "divine mercy". If you can muddle through the "mess" in the thread, there is some good insight given. But anyway, keep your head up and something that my cousin brought to my attention is this; when you notice a person having a questionable look about them, address it".
Say something like;
"Hello, do I know you? I noticed you were looking at me and I was thinking maybe we knew eachother from church or did we go to school together and I forgot to speak!" or she'll say; "Hey girl, how you doing? I aint seen you in a long time, how is your family? girl, tell your momma I said hello and take care or yourself, okay bye!"
and then my cousin keeps walking like nothing ever happened.
I have seen my cousin do this and it is hilarious as hell, not to mention, the naysayers get embarrassed and move on. Its just a way to claim your victory, break the ice, and have some fun.
Much love

Thank you for all your kind words. I see that not everyone is ignorant. We do get interested looks and we just smile and say hello and some ask where my husband is from and how we met etc. A lot of kids stare at my husband cause he is plainly african Maybe its the dashikis he proudly wears Black men give him the power sign a lot and smile.....they dont mind he is with me. Thanks for the encouragement. I wish you all lived in my town.

Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity (Martin Luther King, Jr)

Good one!

Uno, only YOU would have some fun and exciting ways to repel the haters.

It is sad and shameful that we as humans do not realize that we are ALL Gods children and offspring from one human couple Adam and Eve. But to be quite honest that is the way the world is and will continue to be until God steps in and changes things. The bible says that the whole world is lying in the power of the wicked one and that is soooo evident by the spirit of the world. In the bible it talks of people in these times as having no natural affection,not being open to agreement,without self control,fierce, and without love of goodness. These are the kind of people the Bible fortold we would encounter and we should not be suprised to be disliked, hated, and ridiculed for every and any thing we can think of. I would tell you to get used to it but to be honest no one ever gets used to being mistreated. It hurts. But God has foretold of a time that this kind of thing will no longer be. The world is like it is but it will not be this way for much longer. The bible speaks of a time when there will be no more pain nor outcry and things like this will be a thing of the past, a distant memory!

I like your cousin's sense of humor! I actually take that approach if I accidently cut someone off on the interstate and they flip me off as they pass me, I wave at them like a mad woman as if to say "OMG, I haven't seen you in forever". I usally get a laugh out of their expressions after that.

Keep your head up girl, like everyone has said... it's purely ignorance.

girl, your words speak to more than Efia's situation.
I was just looking for words of hope, just something to keep ME going and "bamm!!" there are your words.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
UNO

I, like many, am waiting for the promised paradise. Its the only thing that keeps me going sometimes, especially when I lost my brother. Im sure many can relate. However, the scripture that is really close to my heart is Isaiah 65:17 "...the former things will not be called to mind neither will they come up into the heart" I'm waiting for that day with great anticipation. I know alot of what we go through today still affects us tomorrow but imagine not even it coming to mind!

Uno Im doing to try that thing your cousin does, that is hilarious! My husband will probably be so puzzled when I do but I cant wait to try it, but ill say "hey girl! how are you? I havent seen you in church lately, been busy, huh? Anyways I cant talk now but call me, bye!

Yup, got it all planned out. Thanks for all the encouragement folks.

Efia06 I am so sorry that you have been encountering such ugliness. I have no tolerance for the mistreatment of others, and still find it puzzling how some people can behave, but this is the way it is right now. We have come a LONG way, but we still have a long way to go.

If I may ask, and I ask this with humility, but did you and your husband not discuss this as being something that might occur just by the simple fact that you are of different races, let alone different cultures? I ask this not only to you but to any others in our forum or elsewhere, who are either still going through the visa process or who are already joined together. I know that love is color blind, etc, etc, etc, but to be utterly surprised that is happening? I completely understand about being disheartened about this, I would be be too. But knowing your home town, knowing the people who reside in it, knowing the dynamics of the area as a whole, was there no indication that this might be a problem once you brought your African husband home?

I hope that things get better for the both of you. As people get to know him and grow accustomed to seeing you two around town, eventually, the shock-factor of seeing you together will hopefully turn into smiles, waves hello, and high-fives. Seeing you toghether will hopefully become like second nature.

I also hope that you are able to gain more support from others in this forum and within the visa journey community as a whole. In this forum alone, there appears to be more interracial couples than not. In fact, I would not have even known that the majority of couples here are interracial if I had not seen pictures. This is the real world, and those who cannot accept it will just have to learn to live with it.

I pray that things get better very soon. Don't forget that a lot of those stares might just be the Big Green Monster of jealousy too. Haters, as they say!

Live life to the fullest and enjoy your tall, dark and handsome African Prince. God Bless

Sorry to hear this is happening to you and your husband. I like all the words of advice that has been given. Uno, I love what you said.

Though, I'm not sure if we have got bad looks given to us, because frankly I don't give a damn! LOL. If someone wants to be stupid, I let them be stupid on their own. I try not to let things like that bother me, because if the person knows it's bothering me, it'll continue. I am real good at ignoring others. I have ran accross very ignorant people in my life. Let them be foolish on their own. Smile and keep walking.

I think some of the looks you are receiving is about the fact that he looks African and people are not sure what to do with that. The wheels are probably turning in their heads wondering where he is from.
My advice is to not turn in the opposite direction but walk confidently and with your head held high towards or through a group and just ignore them.
You have no reason to deliberately try to go out of your way to avoid them. .......walk tall and smile !
I live in a small mid western town and have only once experienced prejudice in my own office from a former client of mine who grabbed her purse
when she saw my ex b/f and I lost her as a client. I thought to myself good riddance, I don't want your money.
Other than that the looks were looks of curiosity, sometimes followed by friendly smiles when I looked back at them.

I usually make light of conflict here on VJ but this is a serious subject and wil remain that way since the US seems to have its own special brand of racism.

If no conflict is started - there wont be any conflict!

Thanks again for the encouragment. Most days we just laugh that people can be so stupid. But other days it gets to us. My husband and I discussed racism in general, but not specifically about interracial couples. Although we both can handle it when it comes seperate but when it comes from those that are themselves sometimes discriminated against, and for just being together, it was an eye opener. What kills me is these are people that would be really cool with me had it not been I was married to a black man. Go figure! Again, its not everyone. My best friend who was also my maid of honor says she knows how others feel but that she doesnt feel the same way and never has. She is very confident in herself and is not desperately looking for a man. My other friend is. And I have had so many wonderful people just smile pleasantly at us when they were caught looking at us with curious looks.

Looking back me and hubby should have talked about interracial problems but honestly it never truly crossed my mind because I have never experienced it. Like I said before my family is mixed and it was never and issue. It still would not have deterred me from marrying my husband. Its just something you face but I got some good tips here that I will try next time. When my husband walks by these women who mad dog us he makes this disapproving clicking sound in the back of his throat and shakes his head.

just know that people are going to look at you if you are fat, skinny, ugly, cute, short, tall, big butt, hell, no butt, little tits, tig ol' bitties or what have you.
you can't please everyone, don't try. and besides, your reward is in heaven....
::singin negro spiritual::
lawwwwd, don chu knowwu, daat IIIII'mmmmm jus passin by, alll my hopes, my dreams ahn luv ones, don allllll gone on be fo......cuz I can't, {I cant feel}
feeel at home, down herrre...any mo'oh

How many black Americans are willing to go to an African country and marry an African man? Yes there are some but not many at all.

There is still a stigma in the US about Africans and Africa in general from a good majority of the black community. Most black Americans won't even acknowledge that their roots are in Africa, but now when they see you with your husband, they want to hate. I remember so many ignorant statements made by black Americans about foreign black men.

This situation is deeper than you know and it is a sticky subject.

Let the haters hate and if they have a problem with you and your husband, tell them to visit the lands from which thier ancestors sprung and they too can find plenty of good black men. You have not taken the last good black man in the world. Don't let anyone steel your joy. How may of those haters would have gone through the process you have and deal with the cultural differences and financial strain???

Yes, I am slightly pissed by their ignorance. You went through a lot in your life and you should be happy. When they give you dirty looks, you give them the sweetest smile because they don't know what you know!

P.S. My statement comes from personal experiences and not made to offend anyone. God knows its the truth.

Amen, and thank you.




Girl, your crazy!

I am amused most times by the looks we get from others. When I was living in St Lucia I was "the WHite girl" and Louis got such $hit for being the Rasta with the white girl. I would say 99% of the time we would laugh it off.
Now that he is here we are getting different kinds of looks. We live in a 99.99% white community. My light brown daughter is the minority! LOL
But Louis got here right before she finished school and of course she wanted us to pick her up so all her friends could see him. So this one lady and her son (about 11 I would say) were walking in as we were coming out and she says OUT LOUD and so happily... "Oh Look, a REAL Rastaman"... she was so happy! So the looks Louis and I get here dont seem to be hateful... more like and exotic anomoly that no one has seen before.
I think Louis may feel a bit awkward sometimes but he thinks its kinda funny too.

Hateful people are just so miserable with their own lives that they want everyone else to feel the same way. I always say, we are all pink on the inside! LOL

I know I've talked about this before, but we've definitely had our share of racism pointed in our general direction. I never knew it was still alive until I married my husband. I will say though that it has died down almost comletely since we had our son. I don't know why but when we are there with DS people seem to just smile at all of us, but when it is just DH and I people give us odd looks. We've only had a few nasty comments made and it definitely made me mad for a while, but they are few and far between. I think it does have a lot to do with where you live. We live near DC now where there are tons of interracial couples. We're considering moving back to Texas where I'm sure there will be a lot more to deal with.

Well said, a lot of people won't go through this visa journey to be with the one they love black or white.
It's a hard a tedious process. I love your comments Asante!!!!

Thanks, Aras. It's a tough subject to discuss. People are ignorant and we can not change that. We just got to continue living our life for ourselves and try to ignore the negativity. Times are changing and with that, so does attitudes and levels of tolerance. Lets just hope the change is for the good.

Don't let anyone steal your joy, people!!!

Well i feel what you are feeling, but i want to let you know that you should not be border by anybodies look, this is your life, this is your marriage, because you remember what the pastor says "what God has joined together, let no man (even looks)should not seperate" this is my thoughts to you to conquered there mind.

good luck

I just read this and said "wow". Thank you for this very well said reply.

I've always gotten looks and eventually learned to let it go. I think the best revenge is to live fully and happily. They can't steal that from you, you have to give it to them. My ex husband is chinese. Not chinese-american. Chinese, born and raised on mainland china. We got looks like you wouldn't believe. Black men and asian women are cool, but a black woman and an asian man. People just couldn't process it. We lived in NYC. So I couldn't imagine living in some small town where the people's eyes are even more closed to change. My daughter is biracial and fortunately, where we live now, is the majority. I always joke that I live in the biracial capital of the world. She's still had to say to people, my mom is brown, so what? But she's in a place where she is growing proud. As adults, we have to tap our inner strength because we are in fact rebuilding reality. We are reshaping what is "normal" in people's minds. Don't hide, don't be ashamed, be proud. Not many people can be change agents. Because to be one takes phenomenol strength. I've been one for almost my whole life. And I embrace it. It's a gift from God to force people to see things differently. Now, they see me with Bassi and I smile brightly and they can't help but smile too. They want to be miserable, but my joy is contagious.

Well said, mama!

Sorry to hear of your experience.

I dont post too often anymore, but do read the posts every once in a while. I used to notice the looks too, mostly from white people though. However, as time has gone on, I really haven't noticed it too much these days, and it doesn't seem to be a problem for us. I did notice though, that the looks are somehow different when we have our son with us. Almost like, "oh ok, they are a family". It is annoying, but my husband and I are just doing our best to be productive, and forget about everyone else.

Best Wishes

Jodi

You are the second person who said that they get different looks when you are with your children. That is so strange. It's not okay for you to date, but since your married...what the heck!

I wonder what the difference is in the eyes of the onlookers...

That was PROFOUND!

Wow!

Goosebumps yet again.....

im never ashamed of us but it would be nice to just be able to go shopping and be considered normal. i do appreciate that we are changing what is normal for those close minded people and the more we are seen the better, but something I just feel like being ourselves and not up to reshaping the world But definately not hiding

This too shall pass, mama!

It may not happen for you sweetie. But because of you, it can happen for your children.

And when you're having a bad day, stick your tongue out at them. It's so ridiculous it always makes me laugh. Childish behavior begets childish behavior.

It must be because my man is home!

I'm sure ...

Well ALRIGHT! I hear you.

too late, you're hired



and double "WELL ALRIGHT"

And the award for best comedian on a blog or thread goes to... drum roll please....UNONONEHIGHER!

SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH!

The best revenge is living well. I have empathy towards any who experience ignorance on any level. Unfortunately it is played out daily. Women recieve it so much until you have to become immune in the workplace. Esp if you supervise all males. Try former service type and law enforcement. Add my brown skin and younger years and there is bound to be some craziness. As far as those of my own race, A couple of male coworkers, 1 best friend/army buddy and a church member told me I was turning on the black race. Go figure right. As a south African Diplomat put it at the engagement party "You have a true Black Man" You know I will go as far to tell you all My mom is not supportive at all. This is a person who actually picked cotton in the South, and experience the riot in Memphis during Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. death. Come on I can't get love from my Mom.

My point is, The trailblazers make history and change to take place. Find the peace of Jesus, and live your life. As long as you are happy and fulfilled to grow, I say Go. No matter what the color is. Hey with all the american crap that goes on here on the homefront, Haters can keep the drama.

I hope each and every one of us find peace and prosperity. Also the ability to help others grow.
We all have taken brave steps, that other can not imagine. I know making the journey to Senegal was a giant step.
I always said I did not believe in the saying follow your heart. Each time I prayed and waited for an answer about me going to Africa the reply was "Follow Your Heart" I truly felt that was not the reply or response I needed to hear.
However, it all worked out for my good.

I pray for peace for all vjers

I am out.

Health and wellness always and may your lives be filled with vibrant colors.