Dear all,

Some of you have probably seen my posts as "cami&josh". Well, I left him a month ago for many reasons, although lack of love was not part of them, at least not from me.

This is something I wrote, so you will understand how I feel right now:

"MANIFESTUS FEMINAE

Tuesday, May 27, 2008 at 11:46pm

I do not need my man to do my laundry, run my bills or make breakfast. I can hire a maid and an accountant for that. I want a man that can sit on the couch with me, have some coffee and talk about other topics that are not work, house chores or weather. I said "I want", not "I need". I do not need anyone but myself. Would it yet be nice to have someone to share the end of my day? Yes.

I like movies, theater, music, fine arts, literature, baseball, soccer, tennis, golf, animals, swimming, traveling, drinking caipirinhas and Irish ales, having friends for dinner, dancing, I speak, read and write in 3 languages, and I can read and understand 4 more, I know people around the world, I am Catholic and so is my family, I am Lebanese and Latina, I have thousands of stories to tell, I cook deliciously, I am beautiful and exotic, I love sex and I know I am good at it, I have a perfect skin and I am clean and healthy, I do not have cavities, I do not wear sloppy shorts, tees and old flip-flops in the summer, I know how to dress, I have a wide pelvis, which Van Gogh considered a sign of being able to give birth to many children, I am a hard worker (even if my work is more intellectual than physical), I love the beach, I love different foods and styles, I always tell the truth even if it means problems.

I know there are plenty of negative things about me, but honestly... E-Harmony would not reject me, and that is a lot to say... Actually, I started not rejecting myself and realizing what a wonderful universe I hide.

I am on the quest for the Holy Grail of my nucleus.

I am independent from other people's freedom and choice.

I am what I do.

And I do.

And I transcend.

And I will be immortal.

Ditto.-"


So I am moving to another state. I have to remove conditions of my greencard this year and I am working on it since Maryland does not grant divorce but after 12 months of separation. I am taking my car, my dog, my personal items and decoration items from my country. I also take a terrible credit history thanks to my intelligent spouse. But I am not scared. If I have to leave the USA, I will leave it with a lot of dignity and my maiden name. I don't want to have his name anymore, even if we are still legally married. Because I came here for HIM, because I loved HIM... I did not love the USA because I prefer to be the head of a mouse than the tail of a lion.

In conclusion, and after sharing this with you, I will welcome any tips, suggestions, details to which I should pay attention, etc.

Thank you very much for reading a piece of my soul.

Camila.

Hmm well...
Have you guys talked about this? Sorry you can't work it out....

A man that does laundry, makes you breakfast and pays the bills....what a loser!

I wish you luck wherever your life leads you.

All the best

I don't know whether this comment was sarcastic, but just so it stays clear: It is very nice (and fair) that couples share house chores, of course, but he
"overtook" his tasks and made them his way to tell me that he´s the perfect husband.

I am NO ONE to say he is not. But it is not for me. I know that I also have a big chunk of responsibility in all this, but I don't think that we're the first (neither the last) couple ending up like this.

"HAY SOLO UN PASO DEL AMOR AL DESAMOR"

I am not 100% sure but you might be able to change your name back in the court, at the time when the divorce will be pronunced. Ask the judge or if you'll have a mediator, you can ask him/her. If you don't participate at the divorce, you can probly change the also by bringing your birth certificate, marriage license and divorce paprers when it's time to change your documents(driver license, passport, etc.). Best of luck, i admire you and your dignity and currage

To be honest...yes, I was being sarcastic.

Do whatever you need to do....Nothing makes anyone happy these days...a husband that does nothing and a husband that does too much.

It's just sad that's all.

Best of luck to you.

and people wonder why men die first.

You may file to remove conditions as soon as the divorce is final. You'll need to convince USCIS you entered into the marriage in good faith. They understand you can marry in good faith and still have "chunk of responsibility" for the failure of the marriage.

So I guess if my husband does just right I'm ok? Phew....

Girl I have to say that I LOVE WHAT YOU WROTE, good luck y mucha BUENA VIBRA.

Vi Mazzella

Gracias Vi Mazzella...

Thanks for the answers regarding the name change. And for the removal of conditions, I know I can still do it even when I'm not with him anymore. The problem is that because we got married in MD, this state won't grant divorce but after a year of separation. So I've done some research, and apparently, USCIS can give me an extension of my current status until I have the divorce papers; then I can remove the conditions.

Being a husband is not about being a maid. I like to take care of my house too. I have worked since I got my EAD, and before that, I brought all my savings to help him pay for bills, mortgage, groceries, etc. He never included me in the mortgage title, and he just told me (5 minutes ago) on the phone that he didn't do it because it would have raise the rate. That after SWEARING he had tried and that the company had not done anything. So I have been paying $500 per month for 2 years and a half for a house that isn't mine, and worse, I don't even have a "lease agreement" that would keep my credit floating. When I bought my car, I needed him to be my co-signer because I had not enough credit. I have made those payments on my own; he has not put a penny on them. Now that I tell him to pay at least half of it until my credit gets a bit on its feet and I can refinance it by myself, he tells me that he'll take the car or that he'll hire a lawyer. He also said, as the top cherry, that I came here planning on leaving him:

Before I met him, I had an awesome job in Venezuela. I was a manager at the French Chamber of Commerce. I had friends, I had my family, I had my place, I had my car, I had 40 pounds less and I didn't have to take cymbalta. Yes, I came here to take advantage of a high school teacher who lives in a white trash Baltimore neighborhood, with hookers and junkies across the street. Yes, I stopped hanging out with diplomats, enjoying my social life and level, my organic (and affordable) food and wonderful weather... just to leave him.

That's the jewel I married. Sc.... the GC. This is not the only country in the world.

Your manifesto is beautiful!

You'll get through...

just food for thought on that regarding the mortgage:
i went thru the same deal with my mortage company. the house is a 5.5% fixed rate, and citimortgage told me the only way to get nessa on the loan was to refinance, i.e. spend about 5k to do so plus i'd wind up with a higher rate as interest rates have risen since the house was purchased in 2003. and given my dealings on the phone with "bob" in india who answers the phone for citimortgage, i can understand that he probably got the run around.
end result - i passed up putting nessa on the loan and did a transfer on death deed, which is filed at the courthouse where the house will automatically transfer to her should i pass away prior to paying off the house. there is also plenty of life insurance to pay off the house in case of that event.
nessa and i have discussed things and after the house is paid off, provided i'm alive, we'll redo the title and get her name on it.

All I will say is that I have a hell of a lot more admiration and respect for someone who chooses to be an underpaid high school teacher, especially if he/she teaches children in a poor neighborhood, than for a manager at a chamber of commerce who views hanging out with diplomats as a major perk.

(As I don't intend to offend others who work at a chamber of commerce I should add that I generally also hold teachers in higher regards than members my own profession-- I don't mean to put down the OP's job but have a problem with the condescending tone of her posts when describing her husband and her surroundings here.)

You are a powerful & strong woman, you will get past this. Its sad when other people think that everyone wants to come to the US, like its some kind of gold mine, it's not. Other countries are full of culture, are full of life. Here its just work, home, tv.

In regards to the mortgage, I asked our lawyer about this when we did our prenup. The monthly payments you made towards the mortgage are really considered to be the same thing as "rent", so if you paid $500, think of it as $500 for renting anywhere else. I know, I know, you build up his equity a bit, but thats the way the legal system views it.

The car payment, he's kinda right, you can't ask him to pay for it, or he'll be able to take it back if its in his name.

It seems you had a lot more going professionally & personally back at home. I know being here for a while starts to stick on you. But maybe its the cause of your unhappiness. Whatever you decide on, to stay to go, I wish you the best of luck!

Sorry if I did not express myself clearly. I have also been a school teacher, and it was not my intention to give the inflexion of undermining his job. My point was that I came here because I loved him and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Not because he represented any kind of financial or social upgrade.

If I had all of that back in my home country I think I would be heading back there again. It sounds like you left a good life behind.

Actually, as I see your financial commingling, it appears to me to be just like any marriage. How did you envision it would be?

My wife went through (and sitll goes through) this exact thing.

"Life here is so horrible. You're not a good husband because you don't respect me as a woman and only want to talk about your job and the weather or other stupid man stuff. I am woman! You don't appreciate having a smokin-hot wife that loves you and takes care of you and you never do what I want to do and......" BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, B!T@#, BLAH, B!T@#, B!T@#.

If life is so horrible here, why don't you go back home?

I really hope you'll take the time to think over getting divorced and moving out of state, taking the car, etc. You said you came here to be with him because you loved him and left a nice life behind to be together. Well, what's so bad about it now? Is it because you don't live in a nice place? Don't have nice stuff to do all the time and don't hang out with people "on the same level" as you did before? Or is it becuase life with your husband isn't the life you really wanted? Your life together isn't "equal to" the life you left behind?

My wife was also under the same impression, that she was going to show up here and the "good life" she left behind was going to continue. The part she failed to take into account was the "good life" wasn't set up to be "good" 40 years down the road. It was good now, but lacked a good plan for the future. When you're married and starting a new family you have to take into account where you're going to be in 40 years, not what you're doing today.

Sacrifice hanging out with diplomats today and live in a white-trash neighborhood with a guy you love. After a few years, you may just be where you want to be. It seems like he's doing what it takes to make a good future for you two. Plus, based on what you've posted, you don't seem to be the same woman he married either. Maybe he had a little bit different expectations?

It seems a lot worse than it is. Relax a little, remember why you got married, and give it another go.

A little introspection is required. Marriage is not a joke that one morning you wake up and realise this is not what you want now and just let it go. It seems like he is trying to give you a good life, maybe not good enough, but then it should be both of you making it what what you want it to be. Don't just live for today but plan for the future too - You both married each other and wanted to spend your entire lives together making it worthwhile. Well, maybe this is your test

Thank you all... I can assure you I am taking all your opinions into consideration

A wise person once said, "We make plans, meanwhile God is laughing." Stop comparing the life you had before you were married to the life you now have...of course, it's unavoidable, but stop yourself when you start to compare. It's not fair to your marriage, your husband or even to you. There's something very romantic about making a lifetime commitment, but also depressing. You've got to find peace in that. Good luck and hope you can sort this all out.

Just give it some time. Don't be so rash as to just pack up the car and leave.

If you're still unhappy in six months or so, then take the money you've been saving up (between now and then) and move out. But in the mean time, TRY HARD! It really does take a lot from both sides. Give a little and take a little.

HANG IN THERE!!!

Camila,
You are smart and care. Follow your heart. All the best.

I just admire you for your determination to act. I believe that if it is what you want you should go ahead and do it. We only live once in this live and We DO have the right to be happy and have peace in our hearts.


Saludines, y te deseo lo mejor!

Last time I looked, acting rashly won't bring peace to your heart.

Hola, I hope by this time things are better for you.

he did lundry , were you sick? i think hes a good man , he might find his soulmate later, i hope you find yours too , good luck , by the way do you speak arabic?

First of all, thanks to all for your comments, suggestions, and constructive criticism. Moral support does not mean to approve everything one's decide, but also to offer different perspectives. So this is an update of what's happened lately:

I left our home in May 18 after a very agressive reaction on his part when I communicated him my wish of getting separated. I got scared; although he did not hurt me physically, his violent outburst put me in extreme distress. I am living with a very good female friend since then, she's an attorney and she's been giving me a lot of legal advice about all this. This was not a decision I made over night... it has been more than two years of unhappiness, stress and the illnesses caused by them (vertigo, dizziness, weight gain, depression, etc, etc, etc). I even have medical records that support this last issue.

I did not leave the state; I took that advice into account. But I moved out of the city. And I am actually very satisfied with my life right now. I feel healthier, stronger, with more energy and a much more positive attitude towards life and everyday problems (that everyone has). I have new friends (my social life got actually activated, and I am not talking about dating, just very good friends), I have lost weight, my skin, hair and eyes have the glow they used to have. Even my dog is not getting sick anymore, she's very happy where we are right now. I am looking for a new job related to what I used to do before coming to the USA, and I am filing for the removal of my conditions with the truth in front of everything.

If anyone goes through something like this, please know that it is totally possible to deal with it emotionally and psychologically. I did love him... madly enough to compromise EVERYTHING for him... it did not work... but life HAS to go on.

I am going to do whatever is in my hands to get through this process in the most honest and transparent way possible. I ask God everyday to give me the strength to change what I can change, the humbleness to accept what I can't change and the wisdom to see the difference. And I am in His hands, so nothing bad can happen to me.

I wish my spouse the best. I hold no grudge against him. I have washed away a lot of anger, so I feel emotionally free. Loving and hating, both can make you slaves. I want to be free.

Thanks again, and as usual: suggestions and constructive criticism are always welcome.

All the best to all of you,

C.