Full Version: Should I leave Him?
VisaJourney.com > General Family Based Immigration Topics > Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits
I recently got my 10 years greencard. Now my problem is this, me and my husband been married for more than 2 years already but since i been here in the US, my husband has some kind of temper problem. I do love him so much but i guess he is abusive but i really dont know because he always tells me his not abusive. Is it normal that a husband will call his wife different kinds of names such as a whore, a ######...etc...whenever you are fighting? He always calls me different names whenever his mad, he also gets mad when i just cry instead of saying something while he runs his mouth and yells at me. When i make a simple mistake or say some thing that he dont like, it starts the whole fight. i know i can speak english a little better but the fact is im not american, im an asian and i dont expect my english to be perfect but then sometimes on a conversation, i have hard time to explain to him something then he gets mad at me. He also don't give me any money, and since im not working i dont have a single penny on my purse. He do send money to my family overseas every now and then before like the biggest he sent was $90. and he always makes me feel guilty about that, that i should be grateful to him that he send money and he bring me here. he always makes me feel useless...he always blame me for everything. he always say he is always right. There was one time before he pull my hair because we was fighting and he wants to throw me out on the street. and i dont want to go out because i dont have family here, i have nowhere to go. So what he do is he grab my hair and pull it so i would go. he do it a couple of times but i stay in even if im hurt. because im scared to go anywhere outside. he let me sleep outside the house, like on the steps although he wake me up to come up upstairs to bed like 3 am in the morning. My family dont know whats going on with me here, i dont want them to worry about me so i pretend everything is ok. my husband always insult me, like saying i come from a third world country. that im a gold digger, but if i am why is it that i dont have a single penny on my purse? if i want to buy something, i have to ask him but if he dont like what i want to buy then i cant get it because i dont have my own money.he always tells me to leave him but he also always tells me that after i leave him he will call uscis and report me because its a fraud. I honestly dont know what to do, thats the only time he hurt me physically the pulling of my hair. but my problem is he hurts me verbally and emotionally and he thinks its not an abuse. he dont see calling me names, insulting me, yelling at me, screaming on my face, screaming at the top of his lungs so neighbors hear when he calls me a whore , he dont see that as an abuse. I dont have a job, i dont have money, i have no family here, i feel so alone. My husband is the only man i trusted here but right now, i dont think i could still trust him. And i really dont know what to do. Please someone clear my mind up, am i in an abusive relationship or not? and if i am, will i be deported if i leave him because i feel like im going to die here soon because of all the hurtful things he do and say. Is it my fault that we are financially having a hard time because he has to pay all his money for the uscis process for me? am i being ungrateful because i feel he is abusive? dont i have the right to feel hurt and complain the way he treat me just because he pay everything for my papers? i still love him, thats actually one of the reason i dont have the courage to go away when he tells me to go out of his house coz he dont need me. He said he loves me too, when the fight is over but the thing is it happens over and again, whenever he is not in the mood or we argue, he do the same thing again, calling me names, yelling at me, insulting me and my country just because its a third world country. Its been almost 3 years now but he is still the same way. never change the way he treat me, never give me any money even just 5 bucks for an allowance. He always calls it, its his money, its his car, its his house. sometimes i feel like im just a trash to him. Why he never see he is abusing me verbally? are they going to revoke my greencard if we get divorce. he always tells me that he wants a divorce but he always say after we got our divorce he will make sure my ### got deported to my 3rd world country because of fraud. we been married for almost 3 years and hes the one who wanted the divorce. i dont want a divorce because i dont have a job and any money to start my life over. im scared to start my life over but i also can't take the way he treats me anymore. What should i do?
I only know what I am reading, but it sounds like definite abuse to me. It sounds like a very scary situation. Please remember that there is help here in the United States. You may feel like you love him, but you cannot afford the danger of being treated in the manner he is treating you.
If you feel like you are in danger please get help. Not having money is not a barrier to getting protection against your this man. What he is doing is both physical AND psychological.
Once you are out of the situation, you will be able to think more clearly. You will be able to decide if there is any chance that his demeanor and treatment of you would improve with counseling. Please do not allow him to hurt you.
This is the National Domestic Abuse Hotline Website and phone number:
http://www.ndvh.org/
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
If you feel like you are in danger please get help. Not having money is not a barrier to getting protection against your this man. What he is doing is both physical AND psychological.
Once you are out of the situation, you will be able to think more clearly. You will be able to decide if there is any chance that his demeanor and treatment of you would improve with counseling. Please do not allow him to hurt you.
This is the National Domestic Abuse Hotline Website and phone number:
http://www.ndvh.org/
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Oh, and, once you have been married two years, and the conditions are removed, he cannot get you deported. He, in point of fact, is still financially responsible for you for YEARS, after your entry, whether you are married to him or not.
You do need to report the abuse.
You do need to report the abuse.
This is clear cut abuse, emotionally and physically. Do not allow him to continue with this behavior. i was a victim of this same type of behavior with my former spouse, and i allowed it for 10 long years because i made excuses for the behavior. I am not certain what part of the states that you live, but often times in most cities there are places that help immigrants and refugees with things that they need, you should look in your phone book under social service organizations, for the listing domestic violence and call them. Even if you dont get the right place on the first try, im sure someone can point you in the right direction. Also if your husband is making you sleep outside, you can also look for womens domestic violence shelters. Most of the time these types of shelters can be found at your local YMCA. Most cities have a Y. These organizations can assist you with getting your own housing, providing you with food, clothing and all types of resources to get on your feet. I am a social worker and have worked closely with victims of domestic abuse in the past. DO not feel that you have no where to turn, i know it is scary, but do what is best for you. I wish you luck and will be praying for you. 
QUOTE(emt103c @ Jun 3 2008, 09:18 PM) 
Oh, and, once you have been married two years, and the conditions are removed, he cannot get you deported. He, in point of fact, is still financially responsible for you for YEARS, after your entry, whether you are married to him or not.
You do need to report the abuse.
You do need to report the abuse.
Thank you for the reply and for the number. I wish i have the courage to call this number, its so hard to be alone in a foreign country trying to face problems alone. I honestly still in the hope, there is still a chance he will realize he is abusing me. What he is trying to do to me so i can't leave him is threaten me of deportation and that i enter on marriage fraud. How could you consider almost 3 years of living with him and still loving him being a fraud? Obviously, he just dont have a heart and he don't care what will happen to me, all he cares is he wants to make my life miserable. Thank you for the advise and the number, i really appreciate it. [size="3"][/size]
QUOTE(honeychild36 @ Jun 3 2008, 09:24 PM)
This is clear cut abuse, emotionally and physically. Do not allow him to continue with this behavior. i was a victim of this same type of behavior with my former spouse, and i allowed it for 10 long years because i made excuses for the behavior. I am not certain what part of the states that you live, but often times in most cities there are places that help immigrants and refugees with things that they need, you should look in your phone book under social service organizations, for the listing domestic violence and call them. Even if you dont get the right place on the first try, im sure someone can point you in the right direction. Also if your husband is making you sleep outside, you can also look for womens domestic violence shelters. Most of the time these types of shelters can be found at your local YMCA. Most cities have a Y. These organizations can assist you with getting your own housing, providing you with food, clothing and all types of resources to get on your feet. I am a social worker and have worked closely with victims of domestic abuse in the past. DO not feel that you have no where to turn, i know it is scary, but do what is best for you. I wish you luck and will be praying for you.
thank you, i always wish i dont have to end up asking help from someone but i guess i dont have choice now. If i want to get back my self respect then i should probably start it by leaving him. thanks for all the advises. really appreciate it so much. now im right that he is actually abusing me, though he dont want to admit it.[size="3"][/size]
you need to ask help from other, he don't have the right to treat you that way
How could you consider almost 3 years of living with him and still loving him being a fraud?
Sweetie, its not fraud, he wants you to think it is cause he is a coward. Just remember an abuser has to isolate their victims so they can brainwash them. You dont deserve this. The longer you stay the worse it may become. Take care of YOU!!!!!
Sweetie, its not fraud, he wants you to think it is cause he is a coward. Just remember an abuser has to isolate their victims so they can brainwash them. You dont deserve this. The longer you stay the worse it may become. Take care of YOU!!!!!
QUOTE
The following checklist of behaviors was developed by the New York State Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence to help determine if someone is being abused.
Does your partner. . .
Use emotional and psychological control?
* Call you names, yell, put you down, make racial or homophobic slurs, or constantly criticize or undermine you and your abilities as a wife, partner, or mother?
* Behave in an overprotective way or become extremely jealous?
* Make it difficult for you to see family or friends, or "badmouth" your family and friends?
* Prevent you from going where you want to, when you want to, and with whomever you want to?
* Humiliate or embarrass you in front of other people?
Use economic control?
* Deny you access to family assets like bank accounts, credit cards, or car?
* Control all the finances, force you to account for what you spend, or take your money?
* Prevent you from getting or keeping a job or from going to school?
* Limit your access to health, prescription and/or dental insurance?
Make threats?
* Threaten to report you to the authorities (the police, courts, or child protective services) for things you didn't do?
* Threaten to harm or kidnap the children?
* Make you afraid by using looks, actions or gestures?
* Display weapons as a way of making you afraid or directly threaten you with weapons?
* Use anger or "loss of temper" as a threat to get you to do what he wants?
* Threaten to expose your sexual orientation to friends, family, or employer, if you are gay or lesbian?
* Threaten to report you to INS or immigration?
Commit acts of physical violence?
* Carry out threats to hurt you, your children, pets, family members, friends, or himself?
* Destroy personal property or throw things around?
* Grab, push, hit, punch, slap, kick, choke, or bite you?
* Force you to have sex when you don't want to or to engage in sexual acts that you don't want to do?
* Prevent you from taking medications or getting medical care?
* Deny you access to food, fluids or sleep?
The above are common tactics used by abusers to control their partners, but not the only ones. Anything that your partner does to restrict your personal freedom, or that make you afraid, could be a indication of domestic abuse.
Does your partner. . .
Use emotional and psychological control?
* Call you names, yell, put you down, make racial or homophobic slurs, or constantly criticize or undermine you and your abilities as a wife, partner, or mother?
* Behave in an overprotective way or become extremely jealous?
* Make it difficult for you to see family or friends, or "badmouth" your family and friends?
* Prevent you from going where you want to, when you want to, and with whomever you want to?
* Humiliate or embarrass you in front of other people?
Use economic control?
* Deny you access to family assets like bank accounts, credit cards, or car?
* Control all the finances, force you to account for what you spend, or take your money?
* Prevent you from getting or keeping a job or from going to school?
* Limit your access to health, prescription and/or dental insurance?
Make threats?
* Threaten to report you to the authorities (the police, courts, or child protective services) for things you didn't do?
* Threaten to harm or kidnap the children?
* Make you afraid by using looks, actions or gestures?
* Display weapons as a way of making you afraid or directly threaten you with weapons?
* Use anger or "loss of temper" as a threat to get you to do what he wants?
* Threaten to expose your sexual orientation to friends, family, or employer, if you are gay or lesbian?
* Threaten to report you to INS or immigration?
Commit acts of physical violence?
* Carry out threats to hurt you, your children, pets, family members, friends, or himself?
* Destroy personal property or throw things around?
* Grab, push, hit, punch, slap, kick, choke, or bite you?
* Force you to have sex when you don't want to or to engage in sexual acts that you don't want to do?
* Prevent you from taking medications or getting medical care?
* Deny you access to food, fluids or sleep?
The above are common tactics used by abusers to control their partners, but not the only ones. Anything that your partner does to restrict your personal freedom, or that make you afraid, could be a indication of domestic abuse.
I highlighted only those things you mentioned very specifically in your post. I almost highlighted a few more. I suspect there are a few more. What you describe is abuse, period.
An active abuser is very unlikely to admit that his/her behavior is abuse, just as an active alcoholic is very unlikely to admit that he/she drinks too much. You are isolated from family and from emotional support aside from him, and that can make it harder to see things as they are. You are dependent on him, so you feel you must believe him, love him, and stay with him. That is a way of coping and survival. But deep inside yourself, you do know the truth, you know he is wrong, and you know things have to change.
Please call an abuse hotline listed in your phone book or that someone here has given you. They will help you make a plan and they will help you step your way through this. You can do it.
Oh sweets!! You are in my prayers. Just call the number and make sure you are safe first. You don't deserve to be in this situation 
Why don't you have a job? It not only gives you some cash in your pocket so he can't use that over your head, but it can show you what life in the US is suppose to be like, and give you some independence.
Is there any way you can go to visit family for a long time? This could give him some time to think about it for awhile. Although personally I would never expect an abuser to change.
Is there any way you can go to visit family for a long time? This could give him some time to think about it for awhile. Although personally I would never expect an abuser to change.
Send a Private Message to Vawa-2006 on here. I think she can guide you the best of all of us. She's been there done that.
QUOTE(liz111 @ Jun 3 2008, 07:54 PM)
[b]I recently got my 10 years greencard. Now my problem is this, me and my husband been married for more than 2 years already but since i been here in the US, my husband has some kind of temper problem. I do love him so much but i guess he is abusive but i really dont know because he always tells me his not abusive. Is it normal that a husband will call his wife different kinds of names such as a whore, a ######...etc...whenever you are fighting? He always calls me different names whenever his mad, he also gets mad when i just cry instead of saying something while he runs his mouth and yells at me. When i make a simple mistake or say some thing that he dont like, it starts the whole fight. i know i can speak english a little better but the fact is im not american, im an asian and i dont expect my english to be perfect but then sometimes on a conversation, i have hard time to explain to him something then he gets mad at me. He also don't give me any money, and since im not working i dont have a single penny on my purse. He do send money to my family overseas every now and then before like the biggest he sent was $90. and he always makes me feel guilty about that, that i should be grateful to him that he send money and he bring me here. he always makes me feel useless...he always blame me for everything. he always say he is always right. There was one time before he pull my hair because we was fighting and he wants to throw me out on the street. and i dont want to go out because i dont have family here, i have nowhere to go. So what he do is he grab my hair and pull it so i would go. he do it a couple of times but i stay in even if im hurt. because im scared to go anywhere outside. he let me sleep outside the house, like on the steps although he wake me up to come up upstairs to bed like 3 am in the morning. My family dont know whats going on with me here, i dont want them to worry about me so i pretend everything is ok. my husband always insult me, like saying i come from a third world country. that im a gold digger, but if i am why is it that i dont have a single penny on my purse? if i want to buy something, i have to ask him but if he dont like what i want to buy then i cant get it because i dont have my own money.he always tells me to leave him but he also always tells me that after i leave him he will call uscis and report me because its a fraud. I honestly dont know what to do, thats the only time he hurt me physically the pulling of my hair. but my problem is he hurts me verbally and emotionally and he thinks its not an abuse. he dont see calling me names, insulting me, yelling at me, screaming on my face, screaming at the top of his lungs so neighbors hear when he calls me a whore , he dont see that as an abuse. I dont have a job, i dont have money, i have no family here, i feel so alone. My husband is the only man i trusted here but right now, i dont think i could still trust him. And i really dont know what to do. Please someone clear my mind up, am i in an abusive relationship or not? and if i am, will i be deported if i leave him because i feel like im going to die here soon because of all the hurtful things he do and say. Is it my fault that we are financially having a hard time because he has to pay all his money for the uscis process for me? am i being ungrateful because i feel he is abusive? dont i have the right to feel hurt and complain the way he treat me just because he pay everything for my papers? i still love him, thats actually one of the reason i dont have the courage to go away when he tells me to go out of his house coz he dont need me. He said he loves me too, when the fight is over but the thing is it happens over and again, whenever he is not in the mood or we argue, he do the same thing again, calling me names, yelling at me, insulting me and my country just because its a third world country. Its been almost 3 years now but he is still the same way. never change the way he treat me, never give me any money even just 5 bucks for an allowance. He always calls it, its his money, its his car, its his house. sometimes i feel like im just a trash to him. Why he never see he is abusing me verbally? are they going to revoke my greencard if we get divorce. he always tells me that he wants a divorce but he always say after we got our divorce he will make sure my ### got deported to my 3rd world country because of fraud. we been married for almost 3 years and hes the one who wanted the divorce. i dont want a divorce because i dont have a job and any money to start my life over. im scared to start my life over but i also can't take the way he treats me anymore. What should i do? [/b]
Hi,when i read your post my heart felt like squezed. So sorry to hear that. I will pray for you girl that God will find a way to keep you away from that danger man. God bless you girl.
QUOTE(morocco4ever @ Jun 4 2008, 02:48 PM)
Why don't you have a job? It not only gives you some cash in your pocket so he can't use that over your head, but it can show you what life in the US is suppose to be like, and give you some independence.
Is there any way you can go to visit family for a long time? This could give him some time to think about it for awhile. Although personally I would never expect an abuser to change.
Is there any way you can go to visit family for a long time? This could give him some time to think about it for awhile. Although personally I would never expect an abuser to change.
I dont have a job because we just got my greencard though its permanent already, we never applied for ead or ap. So we just recently applied for ssn after i got my greencard. I really want to work, i could find a job since i also graduated BS Computer Technology but my husband seem to think that this is all what im waiting for, to be able to work because after all he said im a gold digger. My god, i only want to work because i been stuck in this house for almost 2 years now and its not wrong to want to work especially when he keeps blaming me for a not financially stable life. Thats why even if he dont give me any money, i never really complain to him because i believe what he said that this is all my fault. Because he pay all his money to the uscis. Oh by the way, it still keep on going, him calling me names, just a minute ago before he go to work, him calling me dumb and that's one reason i totally lose confidence of myself. I dont believe i have courage to really face the world alone because he took all the confidence i had before. I should hate him but i still love him. He thinks he is the victim here and i am not and that i should just be grateful for what he did to me. It seems to him, i should repay everything he did for me even if it means i have to just believe in everything he said or any names he calls me. That i dont have any right to complain on the way he treated me just because he brought me here. Thanks for all the advises, im really scared to leave him. Im scared that people will be laughing at me because of a failed marriage, im scared about a lot of things. But i really appreciate all the advises. thank you[size="3"][/size]
QUOTE(liz111 @ Jun 3 2008, 09:24 PM)
QUOTE(emt103c @ Jun 3 2008, 09:18 PM)
Oh, and, once you have been married two years, and the conditions are removed, he cannot get you deported. He, in point of fact, is still financially responsible for you for YEARS, after your entry, whether you are married to him or not.
You do need to report the abuse.
You do need to report the abuse.
Thank you for the reply and for the number. I wish i have the courage to call this number, its so hard to be alone in a foreign country trying to face problems alone. I honestly still in the hope, there is still a chance [b]he will realize he is abusing me. What he is trying to do to me so i can't leave him is threaten me of deportation and that i enter on marriage fraud. How could you consider almost 3 years of living with him and still loving him being a fraud? Obviously, he just dont have a heart and he don't care what will happen to me, all he cares is he wants to make my life miserable. Thank you for the advise and the number, i really appreciate it. [/b][size="3"][/size]
he've been treating you like this for almost 3 years now, i don't think realization on his part would come sooner than you think, and if it does I'm hoping it's not too late. Don't wait till things gets worst to physical abuse you need to call a help right now. I do understand that you love him but marriage couldn't stand by just love alone, there has to be RESPECT and compassion for your spouse.
do keep in touch..you have friends here...
I only read the first five lines of the OP... No, it's not normal... It's abnormal, sick and definitely abusive... Girl, run away!!!
QUOTE(liz111 @ Jun 4 2008, 04:07 PM)
QUOTE(morocco4ever @ Jun 4 2008, 02:48 PM)
Why don't you have a job? It not only gives you some cash in your pocket so he can't use that over your head, but it can show you what life in the US is suppose to be like, and give you some independence.
Is there any way you can go to visit family for a long time? This could give him some time to think about it for awhile. Although personally I would never expect an abuser to change.
Is there any way you can go to visit family for a long time? This could give him some time to think about it for awhile. Although personally I would never expect an abuser to change.
I dont have a job because we just got my greencard though its permanent already, we never applied for ead or ap. So we just recently applied for ssn after i got my greencard. I really want to work, i could find a job since i also graduated BS Computer Technology but my husband seem to think that this is all what im waiting for, to be able to work because after all he said im a gold digger. My god, i only want to work because i been stuck in this house for almost 2 years now and its not wrong to want to work especially when he keeps blaming me for a not financially stable life. Thats why even if he dont give me any money, i never really complain to him because i believe what he said that this is all my fault. Because he pay all his money to the uscis. Oh by the way, it still keep on going, him calling me names, just a minute ago before he go to work, him calling me dumb and that's one reason i totally lose confidence of myself. I dont believe i have courage to really face the world alone because he took all the confidence i had before. I should hate him but i still love him. He thinks he is the victim here and i am not and that i should just be grateful for what he did to me. It seems to him, i should repay everything he did for me even if it means i have to just believe in everything he said or any names he calls me. That i dont have any right to complain on the way he treated me just because he brought me here. Thanks for all the advises, im really scared to leave him. Im scared that people will be laughing at me because of a failed marriage, im scared about a lot of things. But i really appreciate all the advises. thank you[size="3"][/size]
Ok, I know it's not much but let me try to make you feel a little bit better about three things. First, your written English is excellent, much better than that of many immigrants who have succeeded here. It will only get better, especially if you start working, try to read the newspaper every day, read books in English, etc. Second, please don't believe your husband when he says you're dumb-- not that a university degree necessarily equals intelligence but there are a lot of folks out there, myself included, who could never get a BS in computer technology. Third, you may mean you're afraid of the reactions in your home country which I cannot comment on, but here in the US, if people would laugh at those who had a failed marriage, there would be a lot more laughing going on (and you'd be in a huge crowd of folks that are being lauged at). As far as I can see there's very little stigma attached to being divorced in most communities.
Please get the help you need and take good care of yourself.
You need to leave this man right now. Call one of the numbers other posters have given you and break free from this horrible person. He does not deserve you and you are worth way more than this.
There are all kinds of organizations that will help you get on your feet to an independent life here in the U.S. You need to find a place to live, get a job, and start a new life for yourself.
Down the road, after you have established yourself, you will find someone to share your life with who treats you with respect and loves you unconditionally.
Best wishes to you and please get all the strength you have to do what is best for YOU!!!!
There are all kinds of organizations that will help you get on your feet to an independent life here in the U.S. You need to find a place to live, get a job, and start a new life for yourself.
Down the road, after you have established yourself, you will find someone to share your life with who treats you with respect and loves you unconditionally.
Best wishes to you and please get all the strength you have to do what is best for YOU!!!!
DONT JUST LEAVE HIM DARLING BUT RUN!!!
QUOTE(liz111 @ Jun 3 2008, 07:54 PM)
I recently got my 10 years greencard. Now my problem is this, me and my husband been married for more than 2 years already but since i been here in the US, my husband has some kind of temper problem. I do love him so much but i guess he is abusive but i really dont know because he always tells me his not abusive. Is it normal that a husband will call his wife different kinds of names such as a whore, a ######...etc...whenever you are fighting? He always calls me different names whenever his mad, he also gets mad when i just cry instead of saying something while he runs his mouth and yells at me. When i make a simple mistake or say some thing that he dont like, it starts the whole fight. i know i can speak english a little better but the fact is im not american, im an asian and i dont expect my english to be perfect but then sometimes on a conversation, i have hard time to explain to him something then he gets mad at me. He also don't give me any money, and since im not working i dont have a single penny on my purse. He do send money to my family overseas every now and then before like the biggest he sent was $90. and he always makes me feel guilty about that, that i should be grateful to him that he send money and he bring me here. he always makes me feel useless...he always blame me for everything. he always say he is always right. There was one time before he pull my hair because we was fighting and he wants to throw me out on the street. and i dont want to go out because i dont have family here, i have nowhere to go. So what he do is he grab my hair and pull it so i would go. he do it a couple of times but i stay in even if im hurt. because im scared to go anywhere outside. he let me sleep outside the house, like on the steps although he wake me up to come up upstairs to bed like 3 am in the morning. My family dont know whats going on with me here, i dont want them to worry about me so i pretend everything is ok. my husband always insult me, like saying i come from a third world country. that im a gold digger, but if i am why is it that i dont have a single penny on my purse? if i want to buy something, i have to ask him but if he dont like what i want to buy then i cant get it because i dont have my own money.he always tells me to leave him but he also always tells me that after i leave him he will call uscis and report me because its a fraud. I honestly dont know what to do, thats the only time he hurt me physically the pulling of my hair. but my problem is he hurts me verbally and emotionally and he thinks its not an abuse. he dont see calling me names, insulting me, yelling at me, screaming on my face, screaming at the top of his lungs so neighbors hear when he calls me a whore , he dont see that as an abuse. I dont have a job, i dont have money, i have no family here, i feel so alone. My husband is the only man i trusted here but right now, i dont think i could still trust him. And i really dont know what to do. Please someone clear my mind up, am i in an abusive relationship or not? and if i am, will i be deported if i leave him because i feel like im going to die here soon because of all the hurtful things he do and say. Is it my fault that we are financially having a hard time because he has to pay all his money for the uscis process for me? am i being ungrateful because i feel he is abusive? dont i have the right to feel hurt and complain the way he treat me just because he pay everything for my papers? i still love him, thats actually one of the reason i dont have the courage to go away when he tells me to go out of his house coz he dont need me. He said he loves me too, when the fight is over but the thing is it happens over and again, whenever he is not in the mood or we argue, he do the same thing again, calling me names, yelling at me, insulting me and my country just because its a third world country. Its been almost 3 years now but he is still the same way. never change the way he treat me, never give me any money even just 5 bucks for an allowance. He always calls it, its his money, its his car, its his house. sometimes i feel like im just a trash to him. Why he never see he is abusing me verbally? are they going to revoke my greencard if we get divorce. he always tells me that he wants a divorce but he always say after we got our divorce he will make sure my ### got deported to my 3rd world country because of fraud. we been married for almost 3 years and hes the one who wanted the divorce. i dont want a divorce because i dont have a job and any money to start my life over. im scared to start my life over but i also can't take the way he treats me anymore. What should i do?
Do not let him threaten and intimidate you. Look around your area and see if you have a shelter just in case even if you don't want to go there, just know if there is one and where it is.
run dont walk run fast........if u need a place to go let me know there are laws against what he is doing..........someone that is like that when the yelling and hair pulling is not enough start hitting ........
You are being abused!!!!!!!! Mistreated!!!!
There is no excuse for name calling, pulling hair and all the things your husband says to you!
Be sure....your husband is using threats of "turning you in" or "getting you kicked out of USA" to have power over you. But he is LYING!!!!
You went into marriage honestly with love and intention to live with this man all your life. That is all that counts.
You must go to a battered women's shelter to get away from this man. They will protect you.
After you are inside the women's shelter, get INFOPASS to speak to Immigration officer and explain what is happening. You will not be kicked out of the country if they know your situation. And you will not be forced to live with him either. You can adjust status and stay in USA without your husband's help if you show you are being abused.
What country are you from?
My reason for asking: After you find women's shelter and report the physical/mental abuse to USCIS, then it will help if you find people from your own country here in USA. Maybe they can find a room for you and work possibly.
But it is MOST IMPORTANT to find a woman's shelter to escape this man and then report the abuse to USCIS.
Don't be fooled by him changing mood and becoming nice. Men who act like this are two faced!!!!! And when he thinks he has your trust and control over you, he will start this bad behavior again.
Best of luck,
Tina
There is no excuse for name calling, pulling hair and all the things your husband says to you!
Be sure....your husband is using threats of "turning you in" or "getting you kicked out of USA" to have power over you. But he is LYING!!!!
You went into marriage honestly with love and intention to live with this man all your life. That is all that counts.
You must go to a battered women's shelter to get away from this man. They will protect you.
After you are inside the women's shelter, get INFOPASS to speak to Immigration officer and explain what is happening. You will not be kicked out of the country if they know your situation. And you will not be forced to live with him either. You can adjust status and stay in USA without your husband's help if you show you are being abused.
What country are you from?
My reason for asking: After you find women's shelter and report the physical/mental abuse to USCIS, then it will help if you find people from your own country here in USA. Maybe they can find a room for you and work possibly.
But it is MOST IMPORTANT to find a woman's shelter to escape this man and then report the abuse to USCIS.
Don't be fooled by him changing mood and becoming nice. Men who act like this are two faced!!!!! And when he thinks he has your trust and control over you, he will start this bad behavior again.
Best of luck,
Tina
PS...you have your ten year greencard, so you are not CONDITIONAL anymore. You are PERMANENT green card. So he can not get you kicked out of country.
Call any church or religious group in your area to find out if they know of battered woman's shelter.
I do worry for you.
A friend of mine was in same situation as you....it kept getting worse until he tried to kill her.
I am sorry, but you are not in a safe situation.
Call any church or religious group in your area to find out if they know of battered woman's shelter.
I do worry for you.
A friend of mine was in same situation as you....it kept getting worse until he tried to kill her.
I am sorry, but you are not in a safe situation.
Dear Morroforever:
People who are abusers often CONTROL or TRY TO CONTROL everything the victim does. Where they go, who they see, what they do....
The fact that Liz does not have a job may be because her husband wants TOTAL CONTROL over her and to isolate her.
People who are abusers often CONTROL or TRY TO CONTROL everything the victim does. Where they go, who they see, what they do....
The fact that Liz does not have a job may be because her husband wants TOTAL CONTROL over her and to isolate her.
QUOTE(liz111 @ Jun 3 2008, 07:54 PM)
I recently got my 10 years greencard. Now my problem is this, me and my husband been married for more than 2 years already but since i been here in the US, my husband has some kind of temper problem. I do love him so much but i guess he is abusive but i really dont know because he always tells me his not abusive. Is it normal that a husband will call his wife different kinds of names such as a whore, a ######...etc...whenever you are fighting? He always calls me different names whenever his mad, he also gets mad when i just cry instead of saying something while he runs his mouth and yells at me. When i make a simple mistake or say some thing that he dont like, it starts the whole fight. i know i can speak english a little better but the fact is im not american, im an asian and i dont expect my english to be perfect but then sometimes on a conversation, i have hard time to explain to him something then he gets mad at me. He also don't give me any money, and since im not working i dont have a single penny on my purse. He do send money to my family overseas every now and then before like the biggest he sent was $90. and he always makes me feel guilty about that, that i should be grateful to him that he send money and he bring me here. he always makes me feel useless...he always blame me for everything. he always say he is always right. There was one time before he pull my hair because we was fighting and he wants to throw me out on the street. and i dont want to go out because i dont have family here, i have nowhere to go. So what he do is he grab my hair and pull it so i would go. he do it a couple of times but i stay in even if im hurt. because im scared to go anywhere outside. he let me sleep outside the house, like on the steps although he wake me up to come up upstairs to bed like 3 am in the morning. My family dont know whats going on with me here, i dont want them to worry about me so i pretend everything is ok. my husband always insult me, like saying i come from a third world country. that im a gold digger, but if i am why is it that i dont have a single penny on my purse? if i want to buy something, i have to ask him but if he dont like what i want to buy then i cant get it because i dont have my own money.he always tells me to leave him but he also always tells me that after i leave him he will call uscis and report me because its a fraud. I honestly dont know what to do, thats the only time he hurt me physically the pulling of my hair. but my problem is he hurts me verbally and emotionally and he thinks its not an abuse. he dont see calling me names, insulting me, yelling at me, screaming on my face, screaming at the top of his lungs so neighbors hear when he calls me a whore , he dont see that as an abuse. I dont have a job, i dont have money, i have no family here, i feel so alone. My husband is the only man i trusted here but right now, i dont think i could still trust him. And i really dont know what to do. Please someone clear my mind up, am i in an abusive relationship or not? and if i am, will i be deported if i leave him because i feel like im going to die here soon because of all the hurtful things he do and say. Is it my fault that we are financially having a hard time because he has to pay all his money for the uscis process for me? am i being ungrateful because i feel he is abusive? dont i have the right to feel hurt and complain the way he treat me just because he pay everything for my papers? i still love him, thats actually one of the reason i dont have the courage to go away when he tells me to go out of his house coz he dont need me. He said he loves me too, when the fight is over but the thing is it happens over and again, whenever he is not in the mood or we argue, he do the same thing again, calling me names, yelling at me, insulting me and my country just because its a third world country. Its been almost 3 years now but he is still the same way. never change the way he treat me, never give me any money even just 5 bucks for an allowance. He always calls it, its his money, its his car, its his house. sometimes i feel like im just a trash to him. Why he never see he is abusing me verbally? are they going to revoke my greencard if we get divorce. he always tells me that he wants a divorce but he always say after we got our divorce he will make sure my ### got deported to my 3rd world country because of fraud. we been married for almost 3 years and hes the one who wanted the divorce. i dont want a divorce because i dont have a job and any money to start my life over. im scared to start my life over but i also can't take the way he treats me anymore. What should i do?
I am new here. I found this link on another forum as a recomandation to look for processing times concerning citizenship. reading thorough i found liz's post and thought i might help her in some way. An advice in her situation, a better understanding of what she has and needs to do from now on it is vital for her right now.
Liz, i am going to be as straight forward as possible. In situations like this you have to realise that the only thing that can help you is not the people, but the knowledge you gather from people, internet and other sourses. The most important thing is KNOWING what to do in situations like this and KNOWING your RIGHTS. As a green card holder you have RIGHTS. Learn your rights and use them. Whipe the tears and start the reaserch. The compassion you get here it will help you emotionaly but knowing what to do will save you.
1) No matter what your spouse sais he can not deport you or revoke your Green Card.
2) Do you have the bank accounts on both names? If you do, know that it is BOTH your money, no matter who has the job. You can take money out of the bank just as easy as him. You don't need to live out of his pitty. You are his wife and have equal rights to anything he has. If he decides to go crazy and spend them all, he spends them on cars, like you said. Well, car is possesion and possesion is parted in two at divorce. If he gets you in dept at divorce, you can pay after getting a job, two if you have to.
3) You will NOT pay allimony, girl, trust me:). He might have to pay you!
4) Next time he abuses you, CALL THE COPS!!!! It's a right you have and trust me, they don't joke arround in cases of domestic abuse.
5) I don't recomend the shelters. But that is my oppinion, other might say different but i wuld not recommend it UNLESS you've been there and saw with your own eyes what you find. You will be sorrounded by weak, misserable, poor, distressed, confuzed people that will be of no help(moraly) to you. You already are there, don't surround yourself with more of the same. You will fall in depression and desparation more than you are now. You need to find a job ASAP, and look for comunnities in your area where people from your country live. Look online, get in touch with people from your country, ask for help, look for a roomate, find a job and once you get these out of the way, pack your bags, get a restraing order and leave without lookinf back. Let him apply for divorce or do whatever the heck he wants.
6) $90 to your family- that's so cheap! Com'on...you can't seariously say you are thankful for that kind of crums. That is an offense to you and your familly, no matter what country you come from or how poor it is.
7) You love him or you are scared of what's out there and he is the only thing you know? Most times we tend to think that, the bad that we know is better than the good we don't know. We are beeings of habbit. Changes scare us. Dump the fear, test the watters, people you will find outside your marriage are much much better than your husband. Don't be affraid! Please! Think of you, your life, your happyness.
8) Stand up for yourself. That will take him by surprise. Knowing your rights can be a shell against his violence. He thinks your week. Show him you're not! Pick up the phone and call for help. Call the cops, call his parents, tell the neighbours, let the world now! The more you come out the more you will protect yourself from scums like your spouse. He has no right to treat you this way.
You can also look for a job as a nanny. A lot of famillies need live in nannies, they pay you, they feed you, you work for them and live with them.
There are many ways out. Don't stay in this situation no more. Prepare youself with knowledge and reseaerch girl, reaserch. Use the internet, google your questiins, google your rights, google abuse, google friends from your country, google roomates, google jobs, google something, anything! And GET OUT before it gets worse.
Can you tell us what state your are in? Perhaps someone at VJ can personally assist you if they are in your local area. God bless.
Ziia gives a great advice!!! Shelters are good only in a case of physical abuse (still beter to call 911 and make a trip with police to court and get instant protection; so, the abuser would have to stay somewhere else). When he starts yelling with names etc, just call 911-let police come; even if he is done yelling already. You will be surprised how police officer would handle it and will see a changed husband right away. But remember, abusers never quit abusing. Dont hope that some day you will not make some mistake and he will stop abusing. He is living the moment and will fined a new way to abuse. Good for you that he is not that much physically abusing (my girlfriend was bitten almost weekly and very badly but still kept saying that she loved him and that it was her mistake; at the end, he left her-my guess, he got afraid that he would kill her some day because his bitting got stronger and stronger or maybe because finally she called 911 and he got 2 years probation; by the way, she was at home all the time and always afraid how she can live without him since she did not have income; familiar?/) Now the girlfriend is dovorced and happy and without problem with CIS. By the way, call to police and future record that you have called will go a long way in allimony battle/immigration. Take all money from joint bank account and open a new one under your name only and keep money there. Make copies of all documents/statements in the house; you might need it for citizenship/divorce procedures. Serch for a job. Your English is very good, cant believe that you are here only for 2 years. You will be much better without this abuser.
I am new here. I found this link on another forum as a recomandation to look for processing times concerning citizenship. reading thorough i found liz's post and thought i might help her in some way. An advice in her situation, a better understanding of what she has and needs to do from now on it is vital for her right now.
Liz, i am going to be as straight forward as possible. In situations like this you have to realise that the only thing that can help you is not the people, but the knowledge you gather from people, internet and other sourses. The most important thing is KNOWING what to do in situations like this and KNOWING your RIGHTS. As a green card holder you have RIGHTS. Learn your rights and use them. Whipe the tears and start the reaserch. The compassion you get here it will help you emotionaly but knowing what to do will save you.
1) No matter what your spouse sais he can not deport you or revoke your Green Card.
2) Do you have the bank accounts on both names? If you do, know that it is BOTH your money, no matter who has the job. You can take money out of the bank just as easy as him. You don't need to live out of his pitty. You are his wife and have equal rights to anything he has. If he decides to go crazy and spend them all, he spends them on cars, like you said. Well, car is possesion and possesion is parted in two at divorce. If he gets you in dept at divorce, you can pay after getting a job, two if you have to.
3) You will NOT pay allimony, girl, trust me:). He might have to pay you!
4) Next time he abuses you, CALL THE COPS!!!! It's a right you have and trust me, they don't joke arround in cases of domestic abuse.
5) I don't recomend the shelters. But that is my oppinion, other might say different but i wuld not recommend it UNLESS you've been there and saw with your own eyes what you find. You will be sorrounded by weak, misserable, poor, distressed, confuzed people that will be of no help(moraly) to you. You already are there, don't surround yourself with more of the same. You will fall in depression and desparation more than you are now. You need to find a job ASAP, and look for comunnities in your area where people from your country live. Look online, get in touch with people from your country, ask for help, look for a roomate, find a job and once you get these out of the way, pack your bags, get a restraing order and leave without lookinf back. Let him apply for divorce or do whatever the heck he wants.
6) $90 to your family- that's so cheap! Com'on...you can't seariously say you are thankful for that kind of crums. That is an offense to you and your familly, no matter what country you come from or how poor it is.
7) You love him or you are scared of what's out there and he is the only thing you know? Most times we tend to think that, the bad that we know is better than the good we don't know. We are beeings of habbit. Changes scare us. Dump the fear, test the watters, people you will find outside your marriage are much much better than your husband. Don't be affraid! Please! Think of you, your life, your happyness.
8) Stand up for yourself. That will take him by surprise. Knowing your rights can be a shell against his violence. He thinks your week. Show him you're not! Pick up the phone and call for help. Call the cops, call his parents, tell the neighbours, let the world now! The more you come out the more you will protect yourself from scums like your spouse. He has no right to treat you this way.
You can also look for a job as a nanny. A lot of famillies need live in nannies, they pay you, they feed you, you work for them and live with them.
There are many ways out. Don't stay in this situation no more. Prepare youself with knowledge and reseaerch girl, reaserch. Use the internet, google your questiins, google your rights, google abuse, google friends from your country, google roomates, google jobs, google something, anything! And GET OUT before it gets worse.
QUOTE(ziia @ Jun 8 2008, 04:07 PM)
QUOTE(liz111 @ Jun 3 2008, 07:54 PM)
I recently got my 10 years greencard. Now my problem is this, me and my husband been married for more than 2 years already but since i been here in the US, my husband has some kind of temper problem. I do love him so much but i guess he is abusive but i really dont know because he always tells me his not abusive. Is it normal that a husband will call his wife different kinds of names such as a whore, a ######...etc...whenever you are fighting? He always calls me different names whenever his mad, he also gets mad when i just cry instead of saying something while he runs his mouth and yells at me. When i make a simple mistake or say some thing that he dont like, it starts the whole fight. i know i can speak english a little better but the fact is im not american, im an asian and i dont expect my english to be perfect but then sometimes on a conversation, i have hard time to explain to him something then he gets mad at me. He also don't give me any money, and since im not working i dont have a single penny on my purse. He do send money to my family overseas every now and then before like the biggest he sent was $90. and he always makes me feel guilty about that, that i should be grateful to him that he send money and he bring me here. he always makes me feel useless...he always blame me for everything. he always say he is always right. There was one time before he pull my hair because we was fighting and he wants to throw me out on the street. and i dont want to go out because i dont have family here, i have nowhere to go. So what he do is he grab my hair and pull it so i would go. he do it a couple of times but i stay in even if im hurt. because im scared to go anywhere outside. he let me sleep outside the house, like on the steps although he wake me up to come up upstairs to bed like 3 am in the morning. My family dont know whats going on with me here, i dont want them to worry about me so i pretend everything is ok. my husband always insult me, like saying i come from a third world country. that im a gold digger, but if i am why is it that i dont have a single penny on my purse? if i want to buy something, i have to ask him but if he dont like what i want to buy then i cant get it because i dont have my own money.he always tells me to leave him but he also always tells me that after i leave him he will call uscis and report me because its a fraud. I honestly dont know what to do, thats the only time he hurt me physically the pulling of my hair. but my problem is he hurts me verbally and emotionally and he thinks its not an abuse. he dont see calling me names, insulting me, yelling at me, screaming on my face, screaming at the top of his lungs so neighbors hear when he calls me a whore , he dont see that as an abuse. I dont have a job, i dont have money, i have no family here, i feel so alone. My husband is the only man i trusted here but right now, i dont think i could still trust him. And i really dont know what to do. Please someone clear my mind up, am i in an abusive relationship or not? and if i am, will i be deported if i leave him because i feel like im going to die here soon because of all the hurtful things he do and say. Is it my fault that we are financially having a hard time because he has to pay all his money for the uscis process for me? am i being ungrateful because i feel he is abusive? dont i have the right to feel hurt and complain the way he treat me just because he pay everything for my papers? i still love him, thats actually one of the reason i dont have the courage to go away when he tells me to go out of his house coz he dont need me. He said he loves me too, when the fight is over but the thing is it happens over and again, whenever he is not in the mood or we argue, he do the same thing again, calling me names, yelling at me, insulting me and my country just because its a third world country. Its been almost 3 years now but he is still the same way. never change the way he treat me, never give me any money even just 5 bucks for an allowance. He always calls it, its his money, its his car, its his house. sometimes i feel like im just a trash to him. Why he never see he is abusing me verbally? are they going to revoke my greencard if we get divorce. he always tells me that he wants a divorce but he always say after we got our divorce he will make sure my ### got deported to my 3rd world country because of fraud. we been married for almost 3 years and hes the one who wanted the divorce. i dont want a divorce because i dont have a job and any money to start my life over. im scared to start my life over but i also can't take the way he treats me anymore. What should i do?
I am new here. I found this link on another forum as a recomandation to look for processing times concerning citizenship. reading thorough i found liz's post and thought i might help her in some way. An advice in her situation, a better understanding of what she has and needs to do from now on it is vital for her right now.
Liz, i am going to be as straight forward as possible. In situations like this you have to realise that the only thing that can help you is not the people, but the knowledge you gather from people, internet and other sourses. The most important thing is KNOWING what to do in situations like this and KNOWING your RIGHTS. As a green card holder you have RIGHTS. Learn your rights and use them. Whipe the tears and start the reaserch. The compassion you get here it will help you emotionaly but knowing what to do will save you.
1) No matter what your spouse sais he can not deport you or revoke your Green Card.
2) Do you have the bank accounts on both names? If you do, know that it is BOTH your money, no matter who has the job. You can take money out of the bank just as easy as him. You don't need to live out of his pitty. You are his wife and have equal rights to anything he has. If he decides to go crazy and spend them all, he spends them on cars, like you said. Well, car is possesion and possesion is parted in two at divorce. If he gets you in dept at divorce, you can pay after getting a job, two if you have to.
3) You will NOT pay allimony, girl, trust me:). He might have to pay you!
4) Next time he abuses you, CALL THE COPS!!!! It's a right you have and trust me, they don't joke arround in cases of domestic abuse.
5) I don't recomend the shelters. But that is my oppinion, other might say different but i wuld not recommend it UNLESS you've been there and saw with your own eyes what you find. You will be sorrounded by weak, misserable, poor, distressed, confuzed people that will be of no help(moraly) to you. You already are there, don't surround yourself with more of the same. You will fall in depression and desparation more than you are now. You need to find a job ASAP, and look for comunnities in your area where people from your country live. Look online, get in touch with people from your country, ask for help, look for a roomate, find a job and once you get these out of the way, pack your bags, get a restraing order and leave without lookinf back. Let him apply for divorce or do whatever the heck he wants.
6) $90 to your family- that's so cheap! Com'on...you can't seariously say you are thankful for that kind of crums. That is an offense to you and your familly, no matter what country you come from or how poor it is.
7) You love him or you are scared of what's out there and he is the only thing you know? Most times we tend to think that, the bad that we know is better than the good we don't know. We are beeings of habbit. Changes scare us. Dump the fear, test the watters, people you will find outside your marriage are much much better than your husband. Don't be affraid! Please! Think of you, your life, your happyness.
8) Stand up for yourself. That will take him by surprise. Knowing your rights can be a shell against his violence. He thinks your week. Show him you're not! Pick up the phone and call for help. Call the cops, call his parents, tell the neighbours, let the world now! The more you come out the more you will protect yourself from scums like your spouse. He has no right to treat you this way.
You can also look for a job as a nanny. A lot of famillies need live in nannies, they pay you, they feed you, you work for them and live with them.
There are many ways out. Don't stay in this situation no more. Prepare youself with knowledge and reseaerch girl, reaserch. Use the internet, google your questiins, google your rights, google abuse, google friends from your country, google roomates, google jobs, google something, anything! And GET OUT before it gets worse.
I am not good on giving advices but I would really want to give information where you can find help, hopefully this could help you:
www.ywca.org and number is (202) 467-0801 that's the main office in DC but maybe you can visit the website for you find YWCA office near your location. This women's organization have been helping multicultural abused women worldwide and I think it has been mentioned already here...
Sometimes we don't just follow what our heart says, often times we have to think for the best... For sure God has a better plans for you, just pray and God will guide you through this...
wew... run away girl its not worth it to live with this monster.... call the police and get him arrested. if he wants divorce fine. go ahead i know there someone out there who will love you and respect you. u better think for you self for this kind of situation right now. im afraid it will end up of killing you.
try to find a job
you need to be strong.
i know u can make it just dont forget to pray. god is always with us. i know he will guide you.... please do take care of your self..... i will pray for u .. godbless
try to find a job
you need to be strong.
i know u can make it just dont forget to pray. god is always with us. i know he will guide you.... please do take care of your self..... i will pray for u .. godbless
Hi Liz,
Thank you for speaking up.. My husband to be same with my aunt and they handle such cases. We can help you seek help..the question is.. i hope you are ready to ask for help.. because that would mean a lot.. i emailed my husband to be (fiancE) about your case and is now doing something about it..
We need your cooperation about this.. you are not alone.. and dont forget to pray dear.,. hang on ok?
Thank you for speaking up.. My husband to be same with my aunt and they handle such cases. We can help you seek help..the question is.. i hope you are ready to ask for help.. because that would mean a lot.. i emailed my husband to be (fiancE) about your case and is now doing something about it..
We need your cooperation about this.. you are not alone.. and dont forget to pray dear.,. hang on ok?
I'm hoping that your safe, as stated, there are alot of help here in America for an Alien spouse, I wishing you all the best.
QUOTE(ziia @ Jun 8 2008, 04:07 PM)
QUOTE(liz111 @ Jun 3 2008, 07:54 PM)
I recently got my 10 years greencard. Now my problem is this, me and my husband been married for more than 2 years already but since i been here in the US, my husband has some kind of temper problem. I do love him so much but i guess he is abusive but i really dont know because he always tells me his not abusive. Is it normal that a husband will call his wife different kinds of names such as a whore, a ######...etc...whenever you are fighting? He always calls me different names whenever his mad, he also gets mad when i just cry instead of saying something while he runs his mouth and yells at me. When i make a simple mistake or say some thing that he dont like, it starts the whole fight. i know i can speak english a little better but the fact is im not american, im an asian and i dont expect my english to be perfect but then sometimes on a conversation, i have hard time to explain to him something then he gets mad at me. He also don't give me any money, and since im not working i dont have a single penny on my purse. He do send money to my family overseas every now and then before like the biggest he sent was $90. and he always makes me feel guilty about that, that i should be grateful to him that he send money and he bring me here. he always makes me feel useless...he always blame me for everything. he always say he is always right. There was one time before he pull my hair because we was fighting and he wants to throw me out on the street. and i dont want to go out because i dont have family here, i have nowhere to go. So what he do is he grab my hair and pull it so i would go. he do it a couple of times but i stay in even if im hurt. because im scared to go anywhere outside. he let me sleep outside the house, like on the steps although he wake me up to come up upstairs to bed like 3 am in the morning. My family dont know whats going on with me here, i dont want them to worry about me so i pretend everything is ok. my husband always insult me, like saying i come from a third world country. that im a gold digger, but if i am why is it that i dont have a single penny on my purse? if i want to buy something, i have to ask him but if he dont like what i want to buy then i cant get it because i dont have my own money.he always tells me to leave him but he also always tells me that after i leave him he will call uscis and report me because its a fraud. I honestly dont know what to do, thats the only time he hurt me physically the pulling of my hair. but my problem is he hurts me verbally and emotionally and he thinks its not an abuse. he dont see calling me names, insulting me, yelling at me, screaming on my face, screaming at the top of his lungs so neighbors hear when he calls me a whore , he dont see that as an abuse. I dont have a job, i dont have money, i have no family here, i feel so alone. My husband is the only man i trusted here but right now, i dont think i could still trust him. And i really dont know what to do. Please someone clear my mind up, am i in an abusive relationship or not? and if i am, will i be deported if i leave him because i feel like im going to die here soon because of all the hurtful things he do and say. Is it my fault that we are financially having a hard time because he has to pay all his money for the uscis process for me? am i being ungrateful because i feel he is abusive? dont i have the right to feel hurt and complain the way he treat me just because he pay everything for my papers? i still love him, thats actually one of the reason i dont have the courage to go away when he tells me to go out of his house coz he dont need me. He said he loves me too, when the fight is over but the thing is it happens over and again, whenever he is not in the mood or we argue, he do the same thing again, calling me names, yelling at me, insulting me and my country just because its a third world country. Its been almost 3 years now but he is still the same way. never change the way he treat me, never give me any money even just 5 bucks for an allowance. He always calls it, its his money, its his car, its his house. sometimes i feel like im just a trash to him. Why he never see he is abusing me verbally? are they going to revoke my greencard if we get divorce. he always tells me that he wants a divorce but he always say after we got our divorce he will make sure my ### got deported to my 3rd world country because of fraud. we been married for almost 3 years and hes the one who wanted the divorce. i dont want a divorce because i dont have a job and any money to start my life over. im scared to start my life over but i also can't take the way he treats me anymore. What should i do?
I am new here. I found this link on another forum as a recomandation to look for processing times concerning citizenship. reading thorough i found liz's post and thought i might help her in some way. An advice in her situation, a better understanding of what she has and needs to do from now on it is vital for her right now.
Liz, i am going to be as straight forward as possible. In situations like this you have to realise that the only thing that can help you is not the people, but the knowledge you gather from people, internet and other sourses. The most important thing is KNOWING what to do in situations like this and KNOWING your RIGHTS. As a green card holder you have RIGHTS. Learn your rights and use them. Whipe the tears and start the reaserch. The compassion you get here it will help you emotionaly but knowing what to do will save you.
1) No matter what your spouse sais he can not deport you or revoke your Green Card.
2) Do you have the bank accounts on both names? If you do, know that it is BOTH your money, no matter who has the job. You can take money out of the bank just as easy as him. You don't need to live out of his pitty. You are his wife and have equal rights to anything he has. If he decides to go crazy and spend them all, he spends them on cars, like you said. Well, car is possesion and possesion is parted in two at divorce. If he gets you in dept at divorce, you can pay after getting a job, two if you have to.
3) You will NOT pay allimony, girl, trust me:). He might have to pay you!
4) Next time he abuses you, CALL THE COPS!!!! It's a right you have and trust me, they don't joke arround in cases of domestic abuse.
5) I don't recomend the shelters. But that is my oppinion, other might say different but i wuld not recommend it UNLESS you've been there and saw with your own eyes what you find. You will be sorrounded by weak, misserable, poor, distressed, confuzed people that will be of no help(moraly) to you. You already are there, don't surround yourself with more of the same. You will fall in depression and desparation more than you are now. You need to find a job ASAP, and look for comunnities in your area where people from your country live. Look online, get in touch with people from your country, ask for help, look for a roomate, find a job and once you get these out of the way, pack your bags, get a restraing order and leave without lookinf back. Let him apply for divorce or do whatever the heck he wants.
6) $90 to your family- that's so cheap! Com'on...you can't seariously say you are thankful for that kind of crums. That is an offense to you and your familly, no matter what country you come from or how poor it is.
7) You love him or you are scared of what's out there and he is the only thing you know? Most times we tend to think that, the bad that we know is better than the good we don't know. We are beeings of habbit. Changes scare us. Dump the fear, test the watters, people you will find outside your marriage are much much better than your husband. Don't be affraid! Please! Think of you, your life, your happyness.
8) Stand up for yourself. That will take him by surprise. Knowing your rights can be a shell against his violence. He thinks your week. Show him you're not! Pick up the phone and call for help. Call the cops, call his parents, tell the neighbours, let the world now! The more you come out the more you will protect yourself from scums like your spouse. He has no right to treat you this way.
You can also look for a job as a nanny. A lot of famillies need live in nannies, they pay you, they feed you, you work for them and live with them.
There are many ways out. Don't stay in this situation no more. Prepare youself with knowledge and reseaerch girl, reaserch. Use the internet, google your questiins, google your rights, google abuse, google friends from your country, google roomates, google jobs, google something, anything! And GET OUT before it gets worse.
I really enjoy reading these kidnd of words.
First of all, make sure you have your greencard in your possession. Don't let him have it. Get whatever other ID etc you need. And pack a small bag with personal items. Put this somewhere he won't see it, but easily accessible to you.
Next time he starts, call the police. Don't give any warnings during his rant, don't say "If you don't stop, I'll....". Simply walk over to the phone, lift the receiver and dial 911.
When the police arrive, go with them.
Next time he starts, call the police. Don't give any warnings during his rant, don't say "If you don't stop, I'll....". Simply walk over to the phone, lift the receiver and dial 911.
When the police arrive, go with them.
I am sorry if that really happened to you, but Why you was silent all that time before, ohh once you get you 10 green card then you found out he abuse you, i am not here to support abusers but i just want to people to see it from both side, why you do not work? is it typical story like all other immigrant stories ... come on we are all adult !!!
My guess, they have never applied for EAD and she never got conditional GC. Since they been married for more than 2 years, she got right away 10GC.
Rachid7, dont be too smart. She wrote for help here. She does not need to create a story since she has a 10GC already. She needs medical treatment from depression too. Her husband is not a wise person. When she came here and felt isolated from her roots, she needed support. But husband is a weak person by himself and unable to give support. So, abuse (from his helplessness too) starter. That is how he handled the situation of depressed wife sitting at home all the time. My guess, his expectations were destroyed too. He took such a responsibilty as bringing a wife here from different culture. She needed help adjusting. If he would be smart, he would see that he does not know how to handle the adjustment to new life and get a professional help. We are just humans. Some of us can handle some situation better than other. But we should be self-critical and admit that this situation we cannot handle and need help/advice from outside.
Looks to me that there is no future in this marriage at this moment. Liz needs to get out and establish herself. She needs to overcome depression. Maybe down the road, they meet again and start all over but on a fair ground then. But know she needs to leave. Husband is not helpfull (he does not understand the issues). She needs to prepare and she can relay only on herself. Sounds like Liz is a smart enough person (she has been patiently waited for GC, her English is very good; so, she ask the questions at the proper time). She will do fine.
Rachid7, dont be too smart. She wrote for help here. She does not need to create a story since she has a 10GC already. She needs medical treatment from depression too. Her husband is not a wise person. When she came here and felt isolated from her roots, she needed support. But husband is a weak person by himself and unable to give support. So, abuse (from his helplessness too) starter. That is how he handled the situation of depressed wife sitting at home all the time. My guess, his expectations were destroyed too. He took such a responsibilty as bringing a wife here from different culture. She needed help adjusting. If he would be smart, he would see that he does not know how to handle the adjustment to new life and get a professional help. We are just humans. Some of us can handle some situation better than other. But we should be self-critical and admit that this situation we cannot handle and need help/advice from outside.
Looks to me that there is no future in this marriage at this moment. Liz needs to get out and establish herself. She needs to overcome depression. Maybe down the road, they meet again and start all over but on a fair ground then. But know she needs to leave. Husband is not helpfull (he does not understand the issues). She needs to prepare and she can relay only on herself. Sounds like Liz is a smart enough person (she has been patiently waited for GC, her English is very good; so, she ask the questions at the proper time). She will do fine.
QUOTE(rachid_7 @ Jun 19 2008, 11:24 AM)
I am sorry if that really happened to you, but Why you was silent all that time before, ohh once you get you 10 green card then you found out he abuse you, i am not here to support abusers but i just want to people to see it from both side, why you do not work? is it typical story like all other immigrant stories ... come on we are all adult !!!
Whether she works or not is really none of our biz folks - Perhaps she is a home maker (and THAT is a lot of effing work), or is just scared to go out and find herself locked out her own home - this is a complicated situation. Abused women are not too keen in going around telling other people what is happening - coming out and talking about it is a HUGE step.
In any case, to the original poster: make sure you take care of yourself and your safety first. Will keep you in our prayers
In any case, to the original poster: make sure you take care of yourself and your safety first. Will keep you in our prayers
QUOTE(Len_and_Bren @ Jun 19 2008, 06:58 PM)
Whether she works or not is really none of our biz folks - Perhaps she is a home maker (and THAT is a lot of effing work), or is just scared to go out and find herself locked out her own home - this is a complicated situation. Abused women are not too keen in going around telling other people what is happening - coming out and talking about it is a HUGE step.
In any case, to the original poster: make sure you take care of yourself and your safety first. Will keep you in our prayers
In any case, to the original poster: make sure you take care of yourself and your safety first. Will keep you in our prayers
We are trying to help guide her on how to get some independence and you are going to lecture us on how hard it is to be a home maker? I was a single mother of 4 kids for 15 years, so no lecture needed. That being said, do you think people such as myself weren't scared to go out and do it for ourselves? I know I was, but I also knew that in order to gain independence I had to do it, no matter what.
People like her are in our prayers as well....we are going a step further by guidance. She can't get out by coming to a message board alone, she needs to actually move whether she is afraid or not.
QUOTE(morocco4ever @ Jun 19 2008, 05:49 PM)
QUOTE(Len_and_Bren @ Jun 19 2008, 06:58 PM)
Whether she works or not is really none of our biz folks - Perhaps she is a home maker (and THAT is a lot of effing work), or is just scared to go out and find herself locked out her own home - this is a complicated situation. Abused women are not too keen in going around telling other people what is happening - coming out and talking about it is a HUGE step.
In any case, to the original poster: make sure you take care of yourself and your safety first. Will keep you in our prayers
In any case, to the original poster: make sure you take care of yourself and your safety first. Will keep you in our prayers
We are trying to help guide her on how to get some independence and you are going to lecture us on how hard it is to be a home maker? I was a single mother of 4 kids for 15 years, so no lecture needed. That being said, do you think people such as myself weren't scared to go out and do it for ourselves? I know I was, but I also knew that in order to gain independence I had to do it, no matter what.
People like her are in our prayers as well....we are going a step further by guidance. She can't get out by coming to a message board alone, she needs to actually move whether she is afraid or not.
Sister I am not saying anything to you personally, and I know firsthand about leaving abusive relationships, so relax. I have never been a homemaker neither do I want to be a mother, but I have the utmost respect for both of them. I do think that saying "whether she is afraid or not she HAS to do this or that" is quite judgmental, isn't it? Sometimes fear makes one immobile. Many times.
And still: whether she works or not is none of
Peace, L.
QUOTE(Len_and_Bren @ Jun 19 2008, 08:59 PM)
QUOTE(morocco4ever @ Jun 19 2008, 05:49 PM)
QUOTE(Len_and_Bren @ Jun 19 2008, 06:58 PM)
Whether she works or not is really none of our biz folks - Perhaps she is a home maker (and THAT is a lot of effing work), or is just scared to go out and find herself locked out her own home - this is a complicated situation. Abused women are not too keen in going around telling other people what is happening - coming out and talking about it is a HUGE step.
In any case, to the original poster: make sure you take care of yourself and your safety first. Will keep you in our prayers
In any case, to the original poster: make sure you take care of yourself and your safety first. Will keep you in our prayers
We are trying to help guide her on how to get some independence and you are going to lecture us on how hard it is to be a home maker? I was a single mother of 4 kids for 15 years, so no lecture needed. That being said, do you think people such as myself weren't scared to go out and do it for ourselves? I know I was, but I also knew that in order to gain independence I had to do it, no matter what.
People like her are in our prayers as well....we are going a step further by guidance. She can't get out by coming to a message board alone, she needs to actually move whether she is afraid or not.
Sister I am not saying anything to you personally, and I know firsthand about leaving abusive relationships, so relax. I have never been a homemaker neither do I want to be a mother, but I have the utmost respect for both of them. I do think that saying "whether she is afraid or not she HAS to do this or that" is quite judgmental, isn't it? Sometimes fear makes one immobile. Many times.
And still: whether she works or not is none of
Peace, L.
Judgemental in what way? This is stating a fact. She either choses to let the situation remain the same or start finding independence. To pat her on the back and say "you'll be fine" is only the first step. Facing your fears is the only way to her next step. I for one want her to know that people have done this before, and not only does she have the ability but she has the right. It takes the strong to help the strong.
Oh and don't worry, I don't it personally, we are all here to help, we just do it in different ways.
I am very sorry you are being treated so badly. I am a professional counselor (website: http://faithandfeelings.org) and I can tell you conclusively that you are definitely being abused. I have read through the comments in the first page and feel you have been given a lot of good advice. I will add just a few things. First, many domestic violence programs define abuse largely in physical terms (hitting, punching, cutting etc) so before you leave (if you choose to do that) make CERTAIN the program you are expecting to help you will do so even though he has not physically harmed you (thank God!) a great deal.
However, please understand that scientific studies show that abuse nearly always gets worse, not better. So even though he is not currently beating you it is very possible that he could start doing that sometime in the future (I have no way of knowing how long that might be). Also, if you choose to leave please understand that at the moment you are in the process of leaving, there is the greatest chance he might turn physically violent, so plan well and plan for your safety, don't just leave with no plan or assistance already set up.
Finally, I do believe (though many other professionals disagree) that abusive men can change. HOWEVER, I have only seen it when the woman takes a very strong stand for herself and basically forces the issue. Example: "I will leave and divorce you if you do not join and complete a domestic violence class by June 1, 2008"...or...after you have already left and if you feel safe to communicate with him (seek professional help to decide that) tell him you will only agree to meet him if he gets help and COMPLETES it!
Under NO circumstances should you EVER believe he has changed until his behavior toward you changes and STAYS changed even while you refuse to give him what he wants (to get back together with you, or be able to stop his treatment because he is "all better now and doesn't need the whole program". the ONLY thing you can rely on for accurate indication of his change is his behavior (his words are meaningless without being followed CONSISITLY by his actions).
here are a few links that might help:
WARNING: make sure he doesn't know you are visiting these sites...it is VERY LIKLY he will get angry if he discovers you have. Delete the history in your we browser and anything else he has the ability to see of which sites you have visited.
Here are a couple for possible help for you if you choose to leave:
http://endabuse.org/programs/immigrant/
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_v..._prevention.htm
Here is one to help yourself understand / educate yourself about abuse (including verbal)...please read this...you need to know this even if you choose to stay.
http://www.drirene.com/cyclesof.htm
Also searching the term "cycle of abuse", "emotional abuse" in any of the major search engines should give you a lot of helpful information.
Finally, here is a link for a program I HIGHLY recommend for your husband if he ever decides he will get help to stop abusing you. I have been through it personally 2 times and have seen others and experienced changes in myself. but he MUST be serious and totally COMPLETE it...AND....STOP abusing you CONSISTNTLY. Just going to "please you" will not make him change....he must truly WANT to change and be willing to do the things they ask him to do.
http://www.lifeskillsintl.org/
You are in my prayers.....It is so hard for me to imagine a man treating someone like you that way. I was married for 12 years and though I made many mistakes, I honestly tried and did everything I knew to do to develop a good relationship with my EX wife. but in the process I put up with lots of criticism and indifference which hurt me very deeply....now that I am with Shirley, who treat me SOO well, I pray to God to help me always love her the very best way possible. She is my Princess, an amazing gift from God, and I would die for her....incidentally, given her legal complications....I have sent a few $1000 to her and still she is not with me yet (July or August!!). I have made a commitment to her to support her boys if they wish to come here, and I know she occasionally will need to send money to her family, also I am planning for her to have enough money to go visit her family 1 a year every year in the Phil. I am not rich so I may not be able to go with her every time but unless we have a major financial disaster, I will spend that money every year because she needs that and I love her.....I say all this only to show you a little of how a man SHOULD treat you....I feel deeply for you but YOU ARE BEING ABUSED! HE IS WRONG not you for a few minor mistakes....your honest mistakes DO NOT give him the right to treat you that way.
However, please understand that scientific studies show that abuse nearly always gets worse, not better. So even though he is not currently beating you it is very possible that he could start doing that sometime in the future (I have no way of knowing how long that might be). Also, if you choose to leave please understand that at the moment you are in the process of leaving, there is the greatest chance he might turn physically violent, so plan well and plan for your safety, don't just leave with no plan or assistance already set up.
Finally, I do believe (though many other professionals disagree) that abusive men can change. HOWEVER, I have only seen it when the woman takes a very strong stand for herself and basically forces the issue. Example: "I will leave and divorce you if you do not join and complete a domestic violence class by June 1, 2008"...or...after you have already left and if you feel safe to communicate with him (seek professional help to decide that) tell him you will only agree to meet him if he gets help and COMPLETES it!
Under NO circumstances should you EVER believe he has changed until his behavior toward you changes and STAYS changed even while you refuse to give him what he wants (to get back together with you, or be able to stop his treatment because he is "all better now and doesn't need the whole program". the ONLY thing you can rely on for accurate indication of his change is his behavior (his words are meaningless without being followed CONSISITLY by his actions).
here are a few links that might help:
WARNING: make sure he doesn't know you are visiting these sites...it is VERY LIKLY he will get angry if he discovers you have. Delete the history in your we browser and anything else he has the ability to see of which sites you have visited.
Here are a couple for possible help for you if you choose to leave:
http://endabuse.org/programs/immigrant/
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_v..._prevention.htm
Here is one to help yourself understand / educate yourself about abuse (including verbal)...please read this...you need to know this even if you choose to stay.
http://www.drirene.com/cyclesof.htm
Also searching the term "cycle of abuse", "emotional abuse" in any of the major search engines should give you a lot of helpful information.
Finally, here is a link for a program I HIGHLY recommend for your husband if he ever decides he will get help to stop abusing you. I have been through it personally 2 times and have seen others and experienced changes in myself. but he MUST be serious and totally COMPLETE it...AND....STOP abusing you CONSISTNTLY. Just going to "please you" will not make him change....he must truly WANT to change and be willing to do the things they ask him to do.
http://www.lifeskillsintl.org/
You are in my prayers.....It is so hard for me to imagine a man treating someone like you that way. I was married for 12 years and though I made many mistakes, I honestly tried and did everything I knew to do to develop a good relationship with my EX wife. but in the process I put up with lots of criticism and indifference which hurt me very deeply....now that I am with Shirley, who treat me SOO well, I pray to God to help me always love her the very best way possible. She is my Princess, an amazing gift from God, and I would die for her....incidentally, given her legal complications....I have sent a few $1000 to her and still she is not with me yet (July or August!!). I have made a commitment to her to support her boys if they wish to come here, and I know she occasionally will need to send money to her family, also I am planning for her to have enough money to go visit her family 1 a year every year in the Phil. I am not rich so I may not be able to go with her every time but unless we have a major financial disaster, I will spend that money every year because she needs that and I love her.....I say all this only to show you a little of how a man SHOULD treat you....I feel deeply for you but YOU ARE BEING ABUSED! HE IS WRONG not you for a few minor mistakes....your honest mistakes DO NOT give him the right to treat you that way.
QUOTE(liz111 @ Jun 3 2008, 08:54 PM)
are they going to revoke my greencard if we get divorce. he always tells me that he wants a divorce but he always say after we got our divorce he will make sure my ### got deported to my 3rd world country because of fraud. we been married for almost 3 years and hes the one who wanted the divorce. i dont want a divorce because i dont have a job and any money to start my life over. im scared to start my life over but i also can't take the way he treats me anymore. What should i do?
Lets say that they do (which they wont!) Is this life with him better than going back home? Like everyone else said.. this is clearly abuse. It will only escalate and become more dangerous. The longer you stay in the situation the worse you will feel. PLEASE get some help. You will be amazed by the resources for abused women in every city across this country.
Im so sorry that this has happened to you. Please protect yourself and leave!
take care of yourself
QUOTE(russian_armenian @ Jun 19 2008, 10:51 PM)
My guess, they have never applied for EAD and she never got conditional GC. Since they been married for more than 2 years, she got right away 10GC.
Rachid7, dont be too smart. She wrote for help here. She does not need to create a story since she has a 10GC already. She needs medical treatment from depression too. Her husband is not a wise person. When she came here and felt isolated from her roots, she needed support. But husband is a weak person by himself and unable to give support. So, abuse (from his helplessness too) starter. That is how he handled the situation of depressed wife sitting at home all the time. My guess, his expectations were destroyed too. He took such a responsibilty as bringing a wife here from different culture. She needed help adjusting. If he would be smart, he would see that he does not know how to handle the adjustment to new life and get a professional help. We are just humans. Some of us can handle some situation better than other. But we should be self-critical and admit that this situation we cannot handle and need help/advice from outside.
Looks to me that there is no future in this marriage at this moment. Liz needs to get out and establish herself. She needs to overcome depression. Maybe down the road, they meet again and start all over but on a fair ground then. But know she needs to leave. Husband is not helpfull (he does not understand the issues). She needs to prepare and she can relay only on herself. Sounds like Liz is a smart enough person (she has been patiently waited for GC, her English is very good; so, she ask the questions at the proper time). She will do fine.
Rachid7, dont be too smart. She wrote for help here. She does not need to create a story since she has a 10GC already. She needs medical treatment from depression too. Her husband is not a wise person. When she came here and felt isolated from her roots, she needed support. But husband is a weak person by himself and unable to give support. So, abuse (from his helplessness too) starter. That is how he handled the situation of depressed wife sitting at home all the time. My guess, his expectations were destroyed too. He took such a responsibilty as bringing a wife here from different culture. She needed help adjusting. If he would be smart, he would see that he does not know how to handle the adjustment to new life and get a professional help. We are just humans. Some of us can handle some situation better than other. But we should be self-critical and admit that this situation we cannot handle and need help/advice from outside.
Looks to me that there is no future in this marriage at this moment. Liz needs to get out and establish herself. She needs to overcome depression. Maybe down the road, they meet again and start all over but on a fair ground then. But know she needs to leave. Husband is not helpfull (he does not understand the issues). She needs to prepare and she can relay only on herself. Sounds like Liz is a smart enough person (she has been patiently waited for GC, her English is very good; so, she ask the questions at the proper time). She will do fine.
QUOTE(rachid_7 @ Jun 19 2008, 11:24 AM)
I am sorry if that really happened to you, but Why you was silent all that time before, ohh once you get you 10 green card then you found out he abuse you, i am not here to support abusers but i just want to people to see it from both side, why you do not work? is it typical story like all other immigrant stories ... come on we are all adult !!!
I am agree with you, but really the only reason why i wrote that, just do not understand if she really was suffering with him for almost 2 yrs, why she just got up now and decide to speak she could leave him from the first night when abuse her, she could call the cops and i am sure they will be there for her, so i am sure the only reason for waiting is the settle her situation and wait for the 10 yrs GC. may be i am wrong may be someone wrong, but no one will know the truth, cause we do not hear from the both.
You got the 10 yr card so now would be the pprop time to complain. Go to shelter and get welfare move to neighborhood in california youwill be JUST fine
She might be a timid person. My guess, she was abused from the begingng but decided to wait for GC and probably had hopes that situation with husband will change. She rightly assumed that GC is her ticket to better life (work, etc). I guess, she is a smart person and understand everything-just very depressed and need somebody to help her started. From what she writes I feed that their family had a chance at the start. But at first misunderstandings, she went into depression and stupid husband into abuse. He brought her here for support in the first place. But turned out that he needed to give support. Made him mad and abusive. I feel sorry. I am sure once she gets some strength to act, she will be very very fine. Her life is empty, so creates fears to fill the gap. Once she get some action, all fears will vanish.
Liz, I wish you the best. Just do anything. Write here about your progress. Share. It might help.
I am agree with you, but really the only reason why i wrote that, just do not understand if she really was suffering with him for almost 2 yrs, why she just got up now and decide to speak she could leave him from the first night when abuse her, she could call the cops and i am sure they will be there for her, so i am sure the only reason for waiting is the settle her situation and wait for the 10 yrs GC. may be i am wrong may be someone wrong, but no one will know the truth, cause we do not hear from the both.
Liz, I wish you the best. Just do anything. Write here about your progress. Share. It might help.
QUOTE(rachid_7 @ Jun 20 2008, 07:03 PM)
QUOTE(russian_armenian @ Jun 19 2008, 10:51 PM)
My guess, they have never applied for EAD and she never got conditional GC. Since they been married for more than 2 years, she got right away 10GC.
Rachid7, dont be too smart. She wrote for help here. She does not need to create a story since she has a 10GC already. She needs medical treatment from depression too. Her husband is not a wise person. When she came here and felt isolated from her roots, she needed support. But husband is a weak person by himself and unable to give support. So, abuse (from his helplessness too) starter. That is how he handled the situation of depressed wife sitting at home all the time. My guess, his expectations were destroyed too. He took such a responsibilty as bringing a wife here from different culture. She needed help adjusting. If he would be smart, he would see that he does not know how to handle the adjustment to new life and get a professional help. We are just humans. Some of us can handle some situation better than other. But we should be self-critical and admit that this situation we cannot handle and need help/advice from outside.
Looks to me that there is no future in this marriage at this moment. Liz needs to get out and establish herself. She needs to overcome depression. Maybe down the road, they meet again and start all over but on a fair ground then. But know she needs to leave. Husband is not helpfull (he does not understand the issues). She needs to prepare and she can relay only on herself. Sounds like Liz is a smart enough person (she has been patiently waited for GC, her English is very good; so, she ask the questions at the proper time). She will do fine.
Rachid7, dont be too smart. She wrote for help here. She does not need to create a story since she has a 10GC already. She needs medical treatment from depression too. Her husband is not a wise person. When she came here and felt isolated from her roots, she needed support. But husband is a weak person by himself and unable to give support. So, abuse (from his helplessness too) starter. That is how he handled the situation of depressed wife sitting at home all the time. My guess, his expectations were destroyed too. He took such a responsibilty as bringing a wife here from different culture. She needed help adjusting. If he would be smart, he would see that he does not know how to handle the adjustment to new life and get a professional help. We are just humans. Some of us can handle some situation better than other. But we should be self-critical and admit that this situation we cannot handle and need help/advice from outside.
Looks to me that there is no future in this marriage at this moment. Liz needs to get out and establish herself. She needs to overcome depression. Maybe down the road, they meet again and start all over but on a fair ground then. But know she needs to leave. Husband is not helpfull (he does not understand the issues). She needs to prepare and she can relay only on herself. Sounds like Liz is a smart enough person (she has been patiently waited for GC, her English is very good; so, she ask the questions at the proper time). She will do fine.
QUOTE(rachid_7 @ Jun 19 2008, 11:24 AM)
I am sorry if that really happened to you, but Why you was silent all that time before, ohh once you get you 10 green card then you found out he abuse you, i am not here to support abusers but i just want to people to see it from both side, why you do not work? is it typical story like all other immigrant stories ... come on we are all adult !!!
I am agree with you, but really the only reason why i wrote that, just do not understand if she really was suffering with him for almost 2 yrs, why she just got up now and decide to speak she could leave him from the first night when abuse her, she could call the cops and i am sure they will be there for her, so i am sure the only reason for waiting is the settle her situation and wait for the 10 yrs GC. may be i am wrong may be someone wrong, but no one will know the truth, cause we do not hear from the both.
Im back, sorry i was quiet the whole time but the reason is i finally decided to do things my own way. Im back here in my own country. My family send me money to buy the ticket so i could flew back home and they are helping me overcome all the pain i suffered from my abusive husband. Right now im still healing but gratfeful for my family to help me start my whole life back to number one. The reason it took so long before i finally believe my husband does abuse me is that he never really hurt me physically except for that one time he pulled my hair. I was thinking before that him calling me names, screaming at me...etc...is not at all an abuse. But i was wrong, it was after all verbal abuse. You cannot tell a wife who loves her husband to call the cops right away even if the husband is actually abusing her. If you trully love your husband, you cannot leave him just right away. some even took many many years before they finally decide to leave and call the cops. In my case i did love him so much, and i was thinking he was just on stress because of all the fees and stress on my immigration process. and i was thinking that when i finally got my greencard and immigration process is over then it iwll be less stress and everything will be good already and that he will change. But thats not the case, because even after the whole immigration process, he is still treating me bad. And yes, i decide to forget about my greencard and just leave and go back to my own country. Maybe this is my fate, and im not meant to be in the USA after all. I go back home with nothing, not a single dollar...basically right now i am just depending on my relatives and parents who are helping me cope up with life. So to those people who was thinking about a scam just because i never call the cops right away, you are all wrong. and if i hear the same thing happen where the wife took so long to file a complaint against their abusive husband, i wouldnt doubt them because i know if you love a person you are willing to suffer as long as you can. So right now, im healing and hopefully will be over this pain soon. i dont think i will be able to keep checking on replies here since i dont have a computer here. So goodluck to everyone and have a nice life.
QUOTE(liz111 @ Jun 25 2008, 03:58 PM)
Im back, sorry i was quiet the whole time but the reason is i finally decided to do things my own way. Im back here in my own country. My family send me money to buy the ticket so i could flew back home and they are helping me overcome all the pain i suffered from my abusive husband. Right now im still healing but gratfeful for my family to help me start my whole life back to number one. The reason it took so long before i finally believe my husband does abuse me is that he never really hurt me physically except for that one time he pulled my hair. I was thinking before that him calling me names, screaming at me...etc...is not at all an abuse. But i was wrong, it was after all verbal abuse. You cannot tell a wife who loves her husband to call the cops right away even if the husband is actually abusing her. If you trully love your husband, you cannot leave him just right away. some even took many many years before they finally decide to leave and call the cops. In my case i did love him so much, and i was thinking he was just on stress because of all the fees and stress on my immigration process. and i was thinking that when i finally got my greencard and immigration process is over then it iwll be less stress and everything will be good already and that he will change. But thats not the case, because even after the whole immigration process, he is still treating me bad. And yes, i decide to forget about my greencard and just leave and go back to my own country. Maybe this is my fate, and im not meant to be in the USA after all. I go back home with nothing, not a single dollar...basically right now i am just depending on my relatives and parents who are helping me cope up with life. So to those people who was thinking about a scam just because i never call the cops right away, you are all wrong. and if i hear the same thing happen where the wife took so long to file a complaint against their abusive husband, i wouldnt doubt them because i know if you love a person you are willing to suffer as long as you can. So right now, im healing and hopefully will be over this pain soon. i dont think i will be able to keep checking on replies here since i dont have a computer here. So goodluck to everyone and have a nice life.
Dear Liz:
I'm glad you're safe at home with your family, I think you made the right choice but if you wanted to stay here you were entitled to do it so,you entered in this relationship in good faith and that's all it matters it was your right to stay wether people here thinks you waited too long to leave your husband.
I wish you the best and may God lets you find the healing you need for the difficult time you had to endured.
God bless
Abby
QUOTE(pcana @ Jun 25 2008, 04:15 PM)
QUOTE(liz111 @ Jun 25 2008, 03:58 PM)
Im back, sorry i was quiet the whole time but the reason is i finally decided to do things my own way. Im back here in my own country. My family send me money to buy the ticket so i could flew back home and they are helping me overcome all the pain i suffered from my abusive husband. Right now im still healing but gratfeful for my family to help me start my whole life back to number one. The reason it took so long before i finally believe my husband does abuse me is that he never really hurt me physically except for that one time he pulled my hair. I was thinking before that him calling me names, screaming at me...etc...is not at all an abuse. But i was wrong, it was after all verbal abuse. You cannot tell a wife who loves her husband to call the cops right away even if the husband is actually abusing her. If you trully love your husband, you cannot leave him just right away. some even took many many years before they finally decide to leave and call the cops. In my case i did love him so much, and i was thinking he was just on stress because of all the fees and stress on my immigration process. and i was thinking that when i finally got my greencard and immigration process is over then it iwll be less stress and everything will be good already and that he will change. But thats not the case, because even after the whole immigration process, he is still treating me bad. And yes, i decide to forget about my greencard and just leave and go back to my own country. Maybe this is my fate, and im not meant to be in the USA after all. I go back home with nothing, not a single dollar...basically right now i am just depending on my relatives and parents who are helping me cope up with life. So to those people who was thinking about a scam just because i never call the cops right away, you are all wrong. and if i hear the same thing happen where the wife took so long to file a complaint against their abusive husband, i wouldnt doubt them because i know if you love a person you are willing to suffer as long as you can. So right now, im healing and hopefully will be over this pain soon. i dont think i will be able to keep checking on replies here since i dont have a computer here. So goodluck to everyone and have a nice life.
Dear Liz:
I'm glad you're safe at home with your family, I think you made the right choice but if you wanted to stay here you were entitled to do it so,you entered in this relationship in good faith and that's all it matters it was your right to stay wether people here thinks you waited too long to leave your husband.
I wish you the best and may God lets you find the healing you need for the difficult time you had to endured.
God bless
Abby
I could have stayed but its hard to stay and start my life back with no one around me. im happy to start my life back here in my own country with the love of my family surrounds me.
The best of luck to you - you have made a difficult decision, but you faced your abusive situation and took the action that will give you the support and love and the reassurance that you need and that you deserve. I am so sorry that things didn't work out for you in the US and wish you every happiness and every success wherever your life might lead you. You have more than earned it! I hope you find a husband who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Bravo to your family for being there for you. Thank you for letting us know you are safe.
A very brave decision. The very best of luck to you in the future.
Woh, I doubt that I would be able to make such decision-takes a lot of guts to move ahead so radically. I wish you the best luck and be happy!
QUOTE(liz111 @ Jun 25 2008, 03:58 PM)
Im back, sorry i was quiet the whole time but the reason is i finally decided to do things my own way. Im back here in my own country. My family send me money to buy the ticket so i could flew back home and they are helping me overcome all the pain i suffered from my abusive husband. Right now im still healing but gratfeful for my family to help me start my whole life back to number one. The reason it took so long before i finally believe my husband does abuse me is that he never really hurt me physically except for that one time he pulled my hair. I was thinking before that him calling me names, screaming at me...etc...is not at all an abuse. But i was wrong, it was after all verbal abuse. You cannot tell a wife who loves her husband to call the cops right away even if the husband is actually abusing her. If you trully love your husband, you cannot leave him just right away. some even took many many years before they finally decide to leave and call the cops. In my case i did love him so much, and i was thinking he was just on stress because of all the fees and stress on my immigration process. and i was thinking that when i finally got my greencard and immigration process is over then it iwll be less stress and everything will be good already and that he will change. But thats not the case, because even after the whole immigration process, he is still treating me bad. And yes, i decide to forget about my greencard and just leave and go back to my own country. Maybe this is my fate, and im not meant to be in the USA after all. I go back home with nothing, not a single dollar...basically right now i am just depending on my relatives and parents who are helping me cope up with life. So to those people who was thinking about a scam just because i never call the cops right away, you are all wrong. and if i hear the same thing happen where the wife took so long to file a complaint against their abusive husband, i wouldnt doubt them because i know if you love a person you are willing to suffer as long as you can. So right now, im healing and hopefully will be over this pain soon. i dont think i will be able to keep checking on replies here since i dont have a computer here. So goodluck to everyone and have a nice life.
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