hi guys,

i suppose you have read my last post here...now i said to my fiance,i will agree with the pre nup but let me read the letter first...and i told him i dont want to have a baby yet because its a big responsiblities when i get preggy and then go to school or what...but the thing is he doesnt agree with me...huhuhu..the more i got confused how to convinced him about not having a baby for now...i still have to adjust with my new place here...huhuhu...how can i convince him????its so hard,he wont agree with my side....

thanks guys,

joyce

Convince him? Oh, don't get me started. It's your body and your right to postpone if you wish.

Adding a baby to the adjustment process does not make it any easier.

I can see your weariness and understand how you feel. Tell him firmly that you are not ready to have a baby yet for now. Explain to him that you wanted t enjoy yourself being with him, alone and wanted to enjoy life in the US.

Hi Joyce,

I agree with you completely. It seems as though your man only wants to make all your decisions Joyce. You need to make your opinion and desires also. All that you want and need is just as important as what he wants. How does he expect you to go to school or find work anytime in the near future if you have baby right away.

MY Rafi told me the very same thing and I agree totally with spending much time in adjusting to life in the US and also for our time to be together and make memories to share in the future before starting family.

I wish you the best Joyce and BTW I would never insist anything on my Rafi... I love her too much to make her feel uncomfortable or to make her feel as though she is forced to do something that she is not ready for.

He must love you unconditionally Joyce and give you all the time you need. First the pre-nup and now this?? Joyce you must follow your heart and pray about your decisions.

friends,
WaltnRafi

thanks waltnrafi...i feel touched with your words...tell you im so confused right now...i wanted to go back home...

He won't agree to your side?! You're the one having the baby.

Marriage is a partnership built on trust, love, and respect. Maybe he just loves you so much he can't wait to start a family with you, but you need to really sit down and explain to him how you feel. This isn't a small problem, this is a really huge life changing decision.

.... a pre nup and now asking for a baby immediately..

better talk to him sincerely about what he really plans for you and him..

why it seemed like there are rules going on between you and ur husband?

i agree that its ur body and ur man should be respectful enough on when you want to have a baby. ofcourse telling him after 4-5 yrs will make really make him too pushy..

I am concerned for you Joyce because he must understand that life and marriage and decisions must be discussed and agreed on from both sides and your feelings and concerns must be respected by him. I do pray that things work out for you Joyce but I believe that marriage is 50/50 in everything. Your man should respect your feelings and support you Joyce.

friends,
WaltnRafi

It sounds like your fiance should have discussed these things with you before you came to the US. They are both big issues. If these are important issues to your husband I cant see how he forgot to talk about them when you were still in the Philippines. I have talked hours with my fiancee about our future kids. Its really important to have agreement on how many, how you will raise them, and things like that.
Try to talk to your fiance about these things and find our why he wants kids right away and talk about exactly how long you want to wait or whatever you need to talk about. The only way these things will be solved is by talking to him and coming up with an agreement. Both of you need to want kids if you are going to have them. I wouldnt want to impreganate my wife if she didnt want me too. It would be wrong to bring a baby into the world having not wanting to have it. It should be a mothers greatest joy the day she gives birth not something she's not ready for. You need to wait until you are ready.

yes,i really wanted to have a baby but not now...thats what i tell him.but the thing is he doesnt agree with me...he wants his decisions only...huhuhu

Tell him to sign a pre-baby agreement.

If he's firm with his decision, then be firm with yours too. If he doesn't seem to be listening to your opinion and all the matters are his, then he doesn't deserved to be listened to.

Sometimes, you really need to stand up to what you truly believed in, especially when you're right. I think most of the people here would think that you're right.

He can't force you to have a baby right away because it's your body. Don't let him force you. If he won't listen then you may argue with him until you win. But as much as possible, stay calm when talking to him though because you will not understand each other if you would shout at each other.

If he would still force you to do that thing, tell him and make him realize what he's asking, very simple, tell him that you don't feel that he loves you if he doesn't care for your happiness and if he say it back to you, tell him that you already sacrificed all your life just to be with him. Being that far from all your friends and family is a big sacrifice already that you willingly did just for him. And what he's doing right now is not helping you at all.

Jona

Hi Joyce,

This is Joe, Myla's husband. I don't want to sound so negative but I believe you don't deserve to be treated like that, like you don't matter at all. Your fiance is selfish and only thinks of his own interest. From the very beginning, he deceived you by not telling you about the pre-post nuptial agreement. . he probably thought since you are already here, there is nothing you can do but to sign it. Now, he wants a baby even if you are not agreeable with it. Where is the logic of the situation? He wants you to study and find work but at the same time also make you pregnant? What a selfish man. . and I keep repeating this word because he is . As I see this, it is a one way relationship where he makes all the decisions. That is not what marriage is all about. He is not seeing you. It is all about himself. He doesnt even hear what you are saying. Can you imagine when you are already married how it will be like? He will be be running everything and expects you to say yes at all time.

Please think about your situation before marrying him. He is controlling you to the point that he is making the decisions for you. It is your body, and you should be the only person to decide if you want to have a baby or not.

Myla and I talk about everything and in making decisions, she has a say about it. Most of the times her ideas are even better than mine. She is not working now and solely dependent on me but I respect her so no matter how small or big the decision is, even if it doesn't involve her, I always consult her because she is not only a wife to me but also my partner in life.

I can understant your agony and confusion but you have to stand up for yourself and be firm about your decision. Myla told me you are only 21 years old so there is so much ahead of you. One thing for sure. . if you are not happy and has doubts in your mind and heart in marrying your fiance, you need not stay and be miserable during the marriage. I wont be surprise if during the marriage he will be making all the decisions without even consulting you. He is already doing it now, what will stop him from doing the same in the future? He is manipulating the situation because you are already here, away from your family and he thinks you have no other choice but to do everything he tells you to but fear not because you have a lot of options. . at 21 years old, you have more out there. I maybe wrong about him. . I hope I am.

You are in our prayers and hopefully, your fiance will change his ways and listen to you. Be firm in your decision . A NO is a NO, and if you dont want to get pregnant at this time, make this clear to him. If he refuses and wants his way. . maybe your best option is to go back to the Philippines and start anew.

We want things to work for the two of you.It took a long process to get you here but you deserve to be happy in a marriage and treated as a wife and partner in everything , especially in making decision in life.

Goodluck and may God guide you at this time.

Joe and Myla

thanks jo and myla,
i really appreciate you guys...that is why i said to myself,id prefer go back home than spending the rest of my life with him like a prisoner...he is controlling everything even using computer which is the only way i can connect with my family and friends...he doesnt wants me to be online cause he is thinking im chatting with any other men...,..i can only stay online when he is at work,,,on weekends i cant...im not free...i know im still young and i deserve to be happy...i beleive that there is so much ahead for me...thank you so much my vj family...you are one of the things thats make me stronger in facing this very hard moments in my life...

I have read your posts and it's easy to come to the conclusion that you are engaged to a controlling man. You will have a life of misery. Don't allow him to sweet talk you or pressure you in to a marriage. Your not even married yet and he is controlling, just wait until he has a wedding ring on your finger and you become his property. Had you known about his controlling behavior you would not have come to the US on a K1. So he has deceived you. You can always get another K1 if you meet a decent man in the future. Please dont ruin your life by entering a marriage where you will become a non-person. Filipinas are special. Don't waste your life on a man who doesnt deserve you. Tell him you are not ready for marriage and want to return home. Please be careful as controlling men often resort to violence in an attempt to gain control.

Be careful... it seems like you can get yourself into even more trouble if he finds out that you're talking about what's going on in your relationship in a forum like this. I wouldn't mind signing a pre-nup if we have discussed about it before. Having a baby won't be a problem too if we planned it ahead of time. It looks like everything came as surprises on you and that is not healthy in a relationship. You still have time to talk and think things over before getting yourself into a marriage. I wish you all the best!

--Mae

Top 10 signs of an abusive man. If your partner exhibits one or more of these signs, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship and seek help or get out.

1. Jealousy & Possessiveness – Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with other men without cause. Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner.
2. Control – He is overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention. He controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in. Becomes angry if woman begins showing signs of independence or strength.
3. Superiority – He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be “right” by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.
4. Manipulates – Tells you you’re crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it’s your fault he is abusive. Says he can’t help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to “help” him. Tells others you are unstable.
5. Mood Swings – His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.
6. Actions don’t match words – He breaks promises, says he loves you and then abuses you.
7. Punishes you – An emotionally abusive man may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the “silent game” as punishment when he doesn’t get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.
8. Unwilling to seek help – An abusive man doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him so why should he seek help? Does not acknowledge his faults or blames it on his childhood or outside circumstances.
9. Disrespects women – Shows no respect towards his mother, sisters, or any women in his life. Thinks women are stupid and worthless.
10. Has a history of abusing women and/or animals or was abused himself – Batterers repeat their patterns and seek out women who are submissive and can be controlled. Abusive behavior can be a generational dysfunction and abused men have a great chance of becoming abusers. Men who abuse animals are much more likely to abuse women also.

It all seems to come down to his level of trust for you. He doesn't seem to trust you at all. Wanting to have a baby right away is a way not only of controlling you, but also of verifiying that you are here to be with him, not just for a greencard. It's stupid. He's treating you like a slave, he wants to make you a virtual prisoner by denying you access to your friends and family, and tying you down with a pregnancy and a baby.

His actions are reprehensible and idiotic.

I am so so sorry that you have had to deal with this.

-Ryan

Joyce, my heart goes out to you

I have to kids at a very young age and I was not finished with school when I had them and so I had to juggle being a mom and also going to school and I am telling you it was SOOO HARD. I can't even study at home back then, i had to cram just few hours before exams and I had to do it at the school library but most times, I feel asleep reading the text books when I was supposed to be studying. It was soo hard for me and I was even surrounded by my family back then... how much more in your case? You don't have any family member to assist you there.

A baby is God's most precious blessing but there should be proper time to have one.. and having one while you will still be studying is definitely not the right time.

I have the feeling that your fiance just want to tie you to him by having a baby. And I agree with jom, your husband sounds so selfish...He has so many issues within himself...

Have you tried asking him what is he so afraid of?

Well, you are the one in that situation. People here can only give you advise but in the end it will be your decision... I just hope and pray that God may give you wisdom to discern the best course of action and would also give you enough courage and strength to go through this.

You take good care of yourself.... I'm holding you in my thoughts and prayers.

Joyce,

I dont mean to be a little harsh, but I think its not a great idea to discuss this in the public boards. Maybe I am wrong in saying this. I somehow was a little weary when you posted the prenup topic the other day because there really isnt any right or wrong answer to that question.

However from reading what you have mentioned, we are only hearing this one sided and not from both sides. I am sure there are two sides to every story.

The reason for me saying this is because everyone will have different oppinions. I believe posting topics will confuse you even more. I'm just afraid that you are unable to make decisions for yourself.

I believe that you and your fiance should be talking about this and figuring things out on your own.

As the petitioner, both me and now my wife discuss topics privately.

Wishing you the best.

Just my 2 cents.

Doc.

I know we all want to support joyce, but should be cautious about making personal statements about someone we do not know.

hmmm i have been watching ur first post about the pre nup and now this one......i dont know both sides so it really is unfair of me to comment but........so far its kind of looking like just maybe he is a controlling person that is used to getting his way
marraige is a bonding of two people those two people have to learn to live together in harmony before bringing a child into this world.......if it was me i would set him down for a long talk before getting married........

is there a Catholic Church near you? perhaps you can talk with a Priest. perhaps he can offer some counseling for you and your fiance.

If marriage is based on trust then why is there a need to have a pre-nup. When to people decide on marriage , I feel the two beome as one which to me would mean there is no his or hers but ours. Never would I try to put anyone down but this is so unfair to bring somone from thier home and basically tell them this is mines you have no rights to it. I hope Im misunderstanding this post. May God direct you on the right path.

Best Wishes,
Barb

First,the pre-nup agreement,then having a baby,and then there's the limitation of the use of the computer,what's next?from the sound of it,he'd like you to do what he pleases.Maybe he thinks that he can manipulate you from whatever he desires and it's not good.your relationship is not a husband and wife,it's like more of a master and slave.you've already agreed to the pre-nup now he's asking for another one im sure there will be more.you must ask yourself if that's what you want in your life,if you want to be like a robot then go ahead and do what he tells you to do,but if you want to be in a harmonious relationhip,without too much expectation and with trust and respect,then i guess it would be better if you'll just come back and be with your family who understands and loves you unconditionally.

I just based my opinion to what you have shared here,we dont know your fiance's side that's why it's you who knows what's the best for you.

We're here to pray for you.God bless

You have every right to see this prenuptial agreement before signing it. And if he is an upfront fiancé he should not object to you having an attorney to review it on your behalf. Only those that are willing to take advantage of others would feel apprehensive with an opposing attorney looking over the document prior to it being signed.

As to the child issue, you might wish to suggest that if you become pregnant there be some inclusion in the pre-nup that provides for you and the baby, financially, above and beyond what he has included to date. If he is being disingenuous with you, and attempting to strip you of any right to any marital property with the pre-nup, this might also cause him to time his interest in starting a family more carefully

hi joyce, i feel for you. i cant imagine how tough would it be to decide which is which especially if we're dealing w/ the person we love most... the thing though is that, to not be afraid to speak whats in your heart and mind and what you feel about things. i know its hard to do and its hard to take for whatever the outcome would be, but for sure in the end, thats probably whats best... if you strongly feel going home to phil is the best sulotion, then be w/ your family in phil... it doesnt mean its the end of the relationship but rather taking time slowly and restart all over and get to know more w/ out the pressure of being here alone in the US... if its meant to be, then both of you will still find your way back w/ each other... i just truly hope that you'll find ways to see things clearly coz i know you're in a tight spot right now... i hope GOD will grant you strenght and guidance... God bless you!!!

Joyce this is just a part of your Adjustments in America soon you will get used into it, first is thanx and youre not confused regarding with the agreement between you and your husband, now second thing is you dont want to have a baby yet most mens just like to say NO! but its your body its your mind, a women must be very prepared in that stage. and So I suggest you to have some Birth Controls and dont let him know so it wont start the fight..
It is just something a little secret because that how you wants, some men dont understand that and just live it that way!. It only takes time Joyce, Everything will turn out fine..
Continue praying and always ask for assistance and to clear your mind..You are lucky because your husband wants to have a baby as soon as possible that means He wants a piece of you and He is ready for his Responsbility..
Goodluck and GODBLESS YOU BOTH....

HI Joyce,

I'm sorry to see you having these issues. Just don't be in a hurry to go home yet. You have 90 days and if you go home now and then in a few weeks decide that you should have stayed, then you have to start the Visa process over again. As long as you feel safe there and not in danger, just enjoy the US for a couple more months and decide later. It does not need to be a quick decision unless you are unsafe there.

Regarding the Pre-nup....those are very common in the US when one party has more money than the other...the movie stars do it all the time. When I got engaged to Inday I had a couple of friends who tried hard to get me to make her sign a pre-nup. One was a lawyer. Their argument is that anytime you marry someone at a time when you have more money than them, then you should get a pre-nup. They said especially if you marry someone from abroad and you have spent limited time when them then you need that...just in case it is a girl who is after your money. With no pre-nup, half of your money goes to the wife on divorce. Many people have been on filipinahearts.com or other sites have talked to girls there who were obviously out for money...and some are very convincing. So they said if you get a pre-nup and the girl is sincere, then no problem...especially if it's worded that if you leave him in less than 5 years you get nothing, and after 5 years it is invalid. Of course my friends were just looking out for me.

Of course I never considered a pre-nup with Inday. I told my friends that I know our love is true...that I trust my fiance, and that pre-nups are for people who expect the marriage to fail. Of course both of my friends who suggested that were married and divorced multiple times, while my single friends advised against it. To me, it shows a lack of trust...and a doubt of their love if you ask for a pre-nup. Whether you sign it is up to you....I just know I'd feel like a big jerk to even suggest that to Inday. I don't know if your fiance's pre-nup is one that expires a few years if the marriage works...and if it's not...if it's a permanent pre-nup..then I'd think twice about signing it. For sure never sign something you don't read or understand. If you consider signing it, you should get a copy and take it to a lawyer or someone who knows that stuff (send to friends here)...and make sure you agree with it...and if not you have the right to challenge it...you are an equal partner in this relationship. You can work with him to write one that is acceptable...like if the marriage is good after 3 years then the pre-nup expires. Just my opinion.

Regarding the baby: Don't let anyone tell you when you need to have a baby. A marriage is a partnership and a big decision like that must be discussed and decided on together. Inday and I talked a LOT about that and agreed that we will wait until she's here for at least 2 years so we can explore the US together and build on this wonderful relationship. A baby can stress a weak marriage. PLus check the laws in your state...because it may be that you are not able to take the baby out of the country without his approval...even if you divorce. In the US both parents have equal rights on their children. Some people could use that to trap you into a marriage that you might not want to stay in. I'm not suggesting he's doing that because I don't know him....just be careful.

Your finance must not be a bad guy if you traveled around the world to be with him...so don't make a decision right away that is hard to reverse...like leaving the US. Take time....go talk to his family...talk to his friends...see a counselor. You know how long that damn Visa process took....so be very sure before you leave the country that it's definite. None of us here know your fiance....and you need to take all of the advice you read here as only advice from someone who only sees your side. We all want the best for you Joyce...you know that. Just relax and take some time...you have 3 months to marry. And don't sign nuthin' unless you fully understand it. Sorry this was so long.

your friend,
John

joyce, 1 thing i can advice to u, don't have the baby yet if u are not ready..
and perhaps u are not supposed to have baby for now, u just had the vaccines... and u need more vaccines for AOS if u will continue.. the physician told us not to get pregnant yet right? tell him about it..

you give way to his decision about pre-nup now it's his turn to listen to your side. He should've understand that adjusting to a new culture and place isn't as easy as counting 1-2-3, and a plan of going to school and having a baby at the same time, that's a tons of stress for sure. World is not going to end tomorrow, just take one step at a time. Marriage is all about respect and understanding, your fiance (husband to be) needs to compensate and listen too.

This does not sound like a good start to a new relationship. You need to stand up for your own
beliefs, wants, and needs. You should both respect each others decisions. Your fiance must respect
you now and forever for your marriage to last. Not just a one sided affair. Do what your heart tells
you, and do not give in just because you are far from home. Think long and hard about continueing
with this guy. It souinds like he is to jealous and controlling.

I just want my fiance to be happy and will do anything it takes for our new relationship to grow
and last forever. That means listening to what Carol wants and needs to be happy. Without
rushing anything she might not want to do now. I can not wait for her to get here and will never
treat her like you are being treated now.


God bless,

Richie and Carol forever

You have alot of tough decisions to make. Having read your posts I only have one question, do you really want to be with this man? You're not even married and already he's exhibiting this behaviour. He's not going to change. He may even get worse after your married. I suggest you really thing on this and the life you will have with this man. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong.

what???? oh no !! unsa mana oi murag dle manka ka maka decession ug imo how many months man mo ana nag correspond murag dominante man imo fiancee oi..unsa diay na murag controllon ka??? luoy man ko nimo joyce oi...but you know yes i agree about what mae said "Be careful... it seems like you can get yourself into even more trouble if he finds out that you're talking about what's going on in your relationship in a forum like this." seems everything came into surpised!!! seems you dont know him very well murag lisod murag stranger na hinuon sya sa imo

I don't understand why this supposed-to-be marriage involves a lot of selfish conditions.

Have you tried pre-marriage counseling? If still it doesn't work, pack your bag and go home. You don't want to be in that kind of marriage for the rest of your life.

OMG Joyce.. I am very sad for you.. But I believe the best decision is to go home coz that kind of behavior of your fiance is really hard to deal with..

Yes, you're right, you're still young and something better is waiting for you. You don't deserve that kind of treatment..

Good luck and hope you can make it through.

Jona

Hi Joyce,

Despite of all the advices you are getting here, still the decision is yours to make. It is only you who has the power to do that "decision". Try to analyze your situation, be strong to whatever decision you might end up with. Please use both your heart and brain in making decision.

If you need someone to talk, you know already how you can contact me. Don't hesitate again.

Shape