Hey there, fellow Ukrainians and Russians!!!
(other nationalities are welcome to join as well)

My husband and I are now happily married and we've been together for 3 years now. We get along so well it's not even funny but there's one tiny-little thing: he gets stubborn when it comes to learning Russian. And the issue is not even that he doesn't want to (I wouldn't push him if he didn't)... I can't even describe what it is...
He does speak a little bit and he understands a great deal (it's fun to be able to exchange words around friends and family when they don't understand) but if I start speaking Russian or using new words when he's not "in the mood" he gets grumpy
He spent a year living in Ukraine and can get around no problem. His "point and grunt" method (as he jokingly calls it) with a little bit of Russian thrown on top worked just fine.
Anyway, I know he really wants to get fluent, he is trying and uses words and expressions that settled in his head well quite often. I also notice he understands much more: when I'm on the phone with my family he adds to or comments on what we're talking about. We are making progress but very slowly - I know he can do much much better, I just can't get him to start using it more and try saying new things with my help.

It's a good-natured on-going argument between the two of us and he keeps saying I spoilt him with my English. He also admits that his "ego" gets in the way and I admit that sometimes I get overly excited and over-do it

I just want to be able to share him with my family more next time we go home. They've met him many times and somehow my dad and Michael find a way to communicate without laguage (I can only imagine what it would be like if they could actually talk ). I just feel like they don't get a chance to truely get to know each other

Anyone else with similar stories?

I'm the USC. And I'm learning Amharic, my hubby's first language. Its hard because so different, the sounds, the grammar (you use completely different works for verbs depending on male and female, AND number), the works. I learned most of my Amharic in Ethiopia, before I met my hubby. I spent few months there and basically learned by immersion. Since we've been living in the States I've struggled with grammar. Vocab is better. But like your hubby I chime in on phone conversations too.

I feel it is the duty of an International couple to learn each others languages. I study my Russian daily and use it (in my head) when conducting business. I feel it is especially true when there are children involved. Should a young child be in distress, they will, of course, naturally revert back to their native tongue. I want to be able to help and not feel I need an interpreter, especially if it could be life threatening. IMHO, if you ain't willing to learn, (at least some) then maybe you should have found someone that speaks only your own language.

BTW, I love the ability to speak Russian in an all English speaking community. Being able to speak freely without most anyone else understanding is a huge advantage.

That sounds cool! I once looked into learning a bit of Swahili when we were going to Tanzania for work.. It seemed quite interesting and HARD. I looked at grammar and some of vocabulary, very similar to what you're describing.

It never got anywhere, cause we were working in an English speaking office and had very little free time.

My husband bought some CD's to learn German but has not been learning at all.
I laughed at the way he said something in German one time and then he quit trying,was kinda mean of me I know.
But I do know that when we have kids they are going to lern German also.
How are you guys planning that with your kids/or do it with your kids if you already have some?

My husband doesn't seem in a hurry to learn any Russian. I know that he wants to but he's so busy that I don't want to push him so hard because learning any language is an exercise that requires concentration and can be tiring and don't want to tire him. He knows about fifty words like cat, car, road, pillow, some verbs, etc, etc, he can name some parts of my body but, in the end, whatever he knows, it wouldn't help him to understand if a person started talking to him in Russian.

Although yes, I'd like him to learn more. My parents/sister/brother-in-law just got their visas yesterday, so they are coming to visit us in August and we're just joking around that, may be, he'll have to get that Rosetta Stone Software to speed up his language studies I wonder if it works.

Good for you! Does Alla speak English?

I wouldn't go as far as calling it "duty" - that takes the fun out of it. A relationship is supposed to be fun.

Yes, Alla speaks near fluent English. Okay, okay... how about "responsibility". While a relationship is fun, it is effort too!

I certainly understand that Michael doesn't have much time in his hands to actually learn either, and honestly there's no need as I'm used to speaking English anyway.
He can actually build small sentences and we do exchange words so people around don't understand. He says he wants to go back over (to Ukraine) for a while so could start using it more. And that would most likely help.

Hey, could I contact you off-line to ask how your family got visas? That would be awesome if my family could visit for a couple of weeks

Definitely both languages for kids.. We don't have any yet, but Michael says he wants them to speak Russian very definitely.


Of course it's an effort, I won't argue there

I think that perviz and i are a language nightmare ........i forget english and revert to Spanish if angry, upset, or excited about something lol .....he reverts to urdu.......so what has happened is he has bought cds to learn spanish.......while i can find nothing in urdu.....

Wow! You guys have 3 Hey that makes life more interesting

Our friends from work back in Indonesia told us a funny story. They are both British and their baby girl goes to school in Jakarta (they've been working there for a couple of years now). So she started speaking Bahasa Indonesia to them when she decides to be difficult.. And they both can't understand her

I have been trying to learn Russian for bout two years now. I have Russian Cd's that I have playing in my truck anytime that I am driving and as long as I have the CD playing I can actually speak pretty good unaccented Russian. As a matter of fact one time I called my wife and when she answered the phone my first couple of sentences were in Russian and she thought it was actually a Russian speaker. Unfortunately I have a terrible time remembering words or phrases to be able to bring them to command and then something will come along and it pops into my head. Lena is always surprisee when this happens like i have this hidden vocabulary of 10,000 words that I can only tap at wierd times. For instance at our sons baptism party she said something to one of her friends in Russian, but I swear I heard it in English and she was amazed that I knew those words.

We both want our sons to speak Russian and to have a bilingual household now if I can ever gain some fluency

That's awesome I know exactly what you mean. That's because you've been listening to Russian and lots of words are now in your passive vocabulary: your mind is used to recognizing them more that reproducing and sometimes they just pop up. That's a great base for developing active vocabulary though
That's what happened to my Japanese... I used to study Japanese in the university. Spent 5 years and got fairly fluent with good pronounciation. Passed my final exam to a native speaker with an A, talking about education system in Ukraine (that was my topic for the speaking part)
And guess what... It's been 3 years since then and I can only prouce basic phrases - I totally lost it as I haven't been using it. However, when I hear it I understand more than I can speak. And sometimes I'm trying to remember a word and I just can't, even if my life was being threatened And sometimes they just come up out of nowhere. Weird...

My husband isn't yet pushing himself to learn english because he says, "Maybe if your German wasn't perfect, I would be forced to learn English." He doesn't get the fact that there will be little, to no jobs for him if his English isn't at least conversational. I understand, in order to really learn a language, you should go to where the lanuage is spoken, but if you don't have a backbone of vocabulary, you are going to get slaughtered at first. It's one thing to vacation at the place where the language is spoken, but when you live there, there is een more stress to learn. We have already decided to have a bi-lingual family, when the time is right. I like the fact that I am the only one in my family that can speak German, but I wish for his own sake, my husband would put more into learning English.

I know where you are coming from wanting your spouse to know your language too. My husband doesn't really get to feel 100% apart of the family with the language barrier. I can't leave him alone with them and expect him to have a good time because he doesn't understand a damn thing being said. For that, I become his 24/7 translator. I don't mind it, but like I said, I wish he would take advantage of his time right now and better his English skills. I'm not asking for anything more other than an attempt to better his vocabulary to help him, help himself.

for some good ole' fun try a game called "strip language" use words and phrases,it is a lot like "strip poker" but with , obviously, language the person that gets the word or phrase incorrect has to remove a piece of clothing..or vice versa..oh wait. he may throw the game on purpose, LOL i know i did!!! anyway my point is to make it fun and exciting, try inventing a game like this. to me Russian is like a giant math problem, the way the words can change up to 6 times on some occasion depending on the case....well you know , so it was fun to try to figure out the language to me..

anyway, try to invent a fun way to learn....we did!!!

Dr. Bill

That's a cute idea actually, never thought of it that way
One of our friends - German guy, who speaks Russian rather well - suggested I should not have sex with him unless he speaks Russian. I went "wait a minute, then I don't get any either - that's not gonna work"

It took my husband a bit of discipline, but he is finally at the point where he speaks 95% of the time to our daughter in German. I try to reinforce this whenever possible. It is also for my own benefit to speak German whenever the mood strikes at home. Because we do not know any other German speaking children her age right now, we have a substitute for hearing other native speakers in Spongebob Schwammkopf. There are actually quite a lot of those on YouTube. There are other German programs we watch, but our daughter tends not to pay attention, and that is really the important thing. Occasionally we can get her to watch some Disney films or what not in German. We have some books in German, but she is more interested in destroying them than being read out of them.

My daughter has been able to count to 13 for months now, but only in English. Then there were some things that had to be worked out with the number nine which sounds just like nein. Attempts to count in German were either confusing her or being completely ignored. FINALLY, we have gotten up to drei out of her when we help her dress herself. After all this time, we will take it.

Raising a kid bilingual is a lot of friggin work. I don´t know who said it was easy, but it is not at all when your second language is a rare commodity in your community. Just yesterday, we were at the store and my daughter was throwing a fit about something idiotic. She threw her milk cup all around the cashier line and my husband told her to knock it off in German. There was another older couple there that was watching us. Finally they came up and asked us if we were raising our daughter bilingual. We said that was the plan. They couldn´t stop saying how great that was. Apparently, their daughter had married a man from Lebanon who spoke fluent Arabic and French in addition to English. He never really took it seriously to teach his children French or Arabic and lo and behold, they don´t speak either. They said that was a real shame. In another ancedote, my brother´s girlfriend is a naturalized US citizen from Laos. Her father speaks OK English, her mother almost none. My brother´s girlfriend has lived here since she was 5. She understands Lao, but cannot always speak it well. Her two younger brothers speak it progressively worse. The youngest generally needs someone to translate. That is despite the fact his mother speaks almost no English. So, no, it just doesn´t happen. SLA takes a lot of hard work and constant reinforcement.

@Wacken yeah I know,I was raised bilingual (English and German)
I know that my parents had planned for me to speak English with one parent and German with the other.
Well did not work out too well cos I picked to speak English at home,that must be very frustrating for all parents.
On the other hand I dont know if my future kids should learn German,we dont really plan on living in Germany and Spanish is so much more important for them to learn.

Yeah, there is an idea floating around that raising kids bilingual is cake, but I think that depends on

1) What your idea of fluent is

and

2) What kind of environment supported the acquisition

If my kid went to daycare or school with a bunch of German speaking children, then I would not be so concerned. English is everywhere and I speak English, but equal time would be given to German. Unfortunately, that is not our situation. My daughter spends probably 70% of her day in English and 30% in German. The issue has to be pushed at home because she just isn't going to have that exposure anywhere else.

Since you said something about it from your own experience, also not really mentioned is the child's willingness to aquire the second language. I met a Latvian man once who explained how his children threw fits when they were younger when he forced them to speak Latvian to speak to him. He said they thanked him later, but at the time, it was terrible. The woman we bought a bed from in Chicago back in March was from Poland. She was raising her children bilingual, but would often hear them say things like 'I am allergic to Polish' when she asked them to speak it. Kids don't always obviously understand the value of what you are trying to do for them.

As for teaching your children German, I don`t think it could hurt. Spanish could be easier to teach just because of the fact Spanish is far more accessible here than German. However, multilingual children exist. Not impossible to do all three.

In our case, no one really speaks English in my husband`s family but him, so it is to our daughter`s benefit to learn German so she can communicate with her relatives at least. It is one of the reasons I myself cannot give it completely up. Also, we think it would be a little odd to be a citizen of a country where you did not speak the language. What would really be the value of that citizenship in that case? Finally, I guess we cannot be sure this is where we are going to live forever. My husband is slowly starting to romanticize home. I somewhat also miss Germany and would not care too much to go back under the right circumstances. At the moment, it makes sense to stay here, but after he gets citizenship here and the opportunity presents itself to return, we probably would.

I told Michael that I "complained" to VJ-ers about him not being in a hurry to learn Russian He said it made him feel better there are others out there He's sending his regards to all "stubborn" husbands

The funny thing is that when he really wants to get me do something, he pulls out things in Russian I had no idea he could say, cause he knows I love it when he speaks.
One saturday morning we were being lazy and none of us was in a huge hurry to get up. He tried sweet talking me into making coffee and I wasn't cooperating at all... And then after a few unsuccessful attempts in English he goes: "Vikulya slushai, Mishka ochen' hochet kofe..." (My family call me "Vikulya" and we all call him Mishka, which is shortened Russian version of his name, and can also denote "bear" in Russian as a term of endearment (play on words), so it basically was "Vikulya listen, your bear really wants coffee") It cracked me up, it was so adorable...! I was like how sly is that?! You can when you really want to, so I don't wanna hear it next time

Thanks a lot for all your replies, it's really interesting to read your stories and opinions. Sorry, I didn't have much time to reply to all of you over the weekend but I read all your posts and I agree with you guys that raising kids bilingual is great! Even if they don't get to use the language elsewhere other than home, it's great. Even though it's challenging - it's part of their identity and it trains their mind too!
My teacher, way back when I was learning English, told us about his friends' baby boy. The guy is American, so he was speaking English with the kid, his wife is Ukrainian and she was speaking Russian with him, plus her parents both spoke Ukrainian and the boy would spend a lot of time around them. Well, the "poor" child got so confused and would come up with sentenced like "Papa, scho ty doing?" ("What are you doing, daddy?" basically using at least one word from each of the 3 languages).

My daughter does that. 'Wo is t'kilk?' -> Wo ist die Milch? or Where is the milk? She also was really confused why the English number 9 and the German word 'nein' sounded exactly the same. She would count 1-8, get to 9, and just shake her head and say 'Nine...nein...no...ten, eleven...'. I think she has figured it out now. It is sometimes hard to know what she wants because we are not always sure what language she is trying to communicate to us in.

I think it's overly cute! After a bit of confusion they figure it out anyway and you get funny stories out of it

It is cute. Now if she would learn the words for "I need to use the toliet" in either language.



Your husband is quite the character.

Oh yes he is! That's why I love him

Oh that's an important one to learn Kids are cuties

Michael has 2 boys from previous marriage (7 and 9 yo). They are so adorable.
We took them for one of our weekends and they were asking if they could go to play at the neighbors' house (they're friends with the kids next door). Michael says "If your friends' mom doesn't mind, I don't mind. But you need to ask their mom first. We need to give them a call first. Do they have a phone number?" and the youngest goes "Not sure, but they have a door bell"

I believe that is true particularly if you would want to have some kind of relationship with your in-laws. My in-laws and I got off to a rocky start, but it is mostly good now. I like them quite a bit more than my own parents. More respect for them anyway. However, they only speak German. I think not to have this relationship would be a loss. Not all people like or want to have a relationship with their non-English speaking in-laws. I can understand that. Some people's parents/family are abusers, jerks, or just stupid. Some of them can be decent people though and it would be a shame to have no relationship just because you can't understand each other.

I think the last bit you wrote is why my husband did a total 180 about speaking to me in German. Before it was difficult to get him to speak any German with me at all. He said it was 'weird'. Then he moved here and a large percentage of our public conversation is now in German. Unlike before, even if I am lazy and respond in English, he will continue with German. Indianapolis is a city of over a million people and my husband is not the only native speaker running around. In fact, he has met at least two randomly at a Lowe's and at his work. However, the odds are still far in his favor that the vast majority of people he would come in contact with would not know German or only have a very rudimentary understanding of it. My husband though is impressed by the number of people who know something even if they can't really remember past 'Wie geht's?' (vast majority). He didn't know German was such a popular language to take in middle/high school here until he started working and most people wanted to try something out with him they remembered, either employees or customers.

Obviously though, that is not enough knowledge to keep him from speaking it with me in public the vast majority of the time because he knows most people don't get it and that he wouldn't mind to meet the ones that do. I don't really mind it because I need the practice, but it would have been better if he had been this way in Germany where I could have used it more. Also his spoken English is very good and he is forced to use it every day at work, so I am a lot more tolerant of it than maybe I would be if he was bad at spoken English and really needed to work on whenever possible. In our case, my spoken German needs more work, so, you know...