Just need to vent and maybe get some advice from the man side of the house.
For more than two years we have been together, first as friends then as more. I have had some really bad relationships and find it very hard to trust any man, but he seems so good and honest.
I've know all along he has been talking to other people, male and female, on the internet but a few days ago he invited me to join "hi5" and I accepted.
I think the invite was by accident, but I found he has a female friend in Finland (his only friend on the site) he has been conversing with since before Christmas. He did not add me as a friend so I do not show up on the site, he listed himself as looking for friends, wanting to date women, and his relationship status is "ask me". None of the photos on his site show us, they are only of him. It could be he did this since women would not want to be "just friends" with a man who is committed to someone else.
When I sent an invite to her to join as my friend she did not respond. He came online the next day wanting to know why I had invited her and asking me to please not contact her.
Now either I am right on target and he is looking for alternatives, it has been two years since the petition was filed, or else I am just seeing things that are not there.
I have not talked to him in almost a week, he won't come online or respond to me.


So Men, am i just being a woman and overreacting or should I be asking questions?

I am not a man, but sounds like a big old red flag, I hope some men come and help you out, since the culture is different than ours. I would have been mad if I found that out, but maybe I am wrong, would not be the first time. Good luck and if you need to vent, you can always use me. I do know about scams, but I don't think that is what this is, but I do belong to baiter group, what we do is bait the guys or women, see if they ask for money, and among other things, not sure if you want, but we can bait him, but I would do that as a last resort, just let everything settle down and see what he has to say when he is more rational.

I'm not a man but that smells fishy to me. I'd be not only asking questions but demanding that he drop this friendship. If it were a woman that he was open with me about and had no problem with me contacting that would be one thing but how dare he say you cannot contact her and OMG he's stating "ask me"???????? I think you know what the answer is here.

why would he ask you not to contact her?
having her on his list would make me a little suspicious but him asking you not to talk to her would really set the warning bells off.

culture smulture in his status he should state "engaged" and he should have been open about this from the start. The very fact that he's dropped all communication after this screams that something is up. If it's culture then Iran must be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay different than Egypt since my husband will not even engage in conversation with women unless absolutely necessary.

How much time will you allow him to contact you? I think red flags are everywhere.
Don't wait for him to decide when to contact you.....YOU do it and give him a reality
check.

my thoughts:
invite by accident, upset that you invited her because then you two will get to talking and we all know where that will lead. this alone says it all imo: he listed himself as looking for friends, wanting to date women, and his relationship status is "ask me" (the ask me sounds fishy too).

as this is in mena and not many men are in this forum, do you want to leave this thread here or have it moved to another forum?

I do have to agree with everyone here, the fact that he told you to not contact her, as soon as that happened, I would have been her new best friend I am not good at being told NO, so I smile sweetly and do excatly what needs to be done, like contacting this women, and the status, ask me, so go and be someone else, make it up and ask him what that means. He will think he talking to a hottie, and you will know the truth. Good luck girl.

I think he has given up on your visa. I think what you have to do now is ask him point blank like this.. If you get your visa in the next 4 months do you want to still be with me? Most likely he will tell you. If he avoids it, tell him, I am sure we will be out of ap soon. Have you ever thought the reason he is on this ap is because maybe the embassy or the us gov knows he is communicating with other women and have caught him already? The government may know he is not doing what is supposed to be doing or he may be petitioning with other countries and they have caught him already. They are known for this and yes they can read emails ( ive seen this on the boards) and yes they have ways of doing all kinds of things.. maybe he has been like this the whole time and you didnt know

By the way, mine chatted as well and it pissed me off very badly

im not a man either but i would make up a different id and contact him........hey i did it with perviz in the beginning i might be young but that does not mean that i think life is all roses.........sure ur suppose to be able to trust the one that ur with but if u get some red flags get to the bottom of it dont wait on it because it makes u crazy.........i hope it all turns out ok for u........

I am not a man but I agree with the others. I think that it would show some red flags that you need to address. He should be trying to prove to you that he is innocent not ignore you right now. He should be almost desperate to show you that he wasn't doing anything wrong and allow you to talk to the other woman. Have you contacted her and told her that this was your fiance'? If not, can you still do it and ask why they are having conversation together and what relationship this is. I can see where it would make you uncomfortable especially if you met your fiance' online. You know how relationships can bloom. You should be able to say I don't like you talking to her and that should be the end of it. I can see chatting with friends or relatives or friends that are the opposite sex but just meeting people online is really something that he shouldn't be looking for once he is engaged. This is just my opinion.

Also, let me suggest this...did you google him? Does he use a common username and password for most sites? If you do google him go to the sites and see what is going on behind the scenes. I know all kinds of things are probably running through your mind right now but sometimes you do have to do extra checking if you have suspicions. It's not like you know what they do in their own country.

Whatever you find out I hope that you will be fine.

Hi there ,

i am a man and muslim and my Fiance is American ,i think you should ask for explaination from him and try to have a conversation about it as adults and my advice is that dont let stuff like this destroy your relationship together especially if he can give a reasonable explaination ONLY you can judge what he will have to say none of us can say more or efficative things the flams is in ur hand ,i just hope nothing spoil your relationship ...but eventually u will have to do what makes u feel better and put ur mind at ease .

Good advice

You are not in a need to know only relationship.

You do need to know where you stand and where you stand has to be on solid ground without a moment of doubt on your mind or in your heart.

Fog has fallen on your path (doubt), you must stop wait for the air to cleared (Q&A time) to see if the road is straight (right As to your Qs) or forked (wrong As to your Qs you go right he goes left).

This is a serious as others have said RED FLAG, you have to talk to get all the answers you want that will satisfy you. Don’t listen to “if you loved me you would be doing this” just turn it on him and say “if you loved me you wouldn’t have placed me in a position where I had do this”.

My Sharon does not and never has given me any reason to question her, and she has never questioned me so I can only hope I never gave her a moment of doubt.. Your invitation was no accident Angelsact in mysterious ways.

I hope you find a perfect solution, one that will be true and just not for one but both of you.



Ron

The hi5 part does not upset me. My husband has many old school friends in Jamaica who meet on there. He is listed as married and there are pictures of both of us on there. You situation sounds very fishy to me.

I really feel anytime there are secrets, there are problems.

He isnt coming online or speaking to you because he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Next he may use the old guilt trip tactic and try to appear that it is all your fault.

im sorry .. I would be crazy angry... I would feel totally betrayed ... you are not over reacting I would keep contacting the girl to find out what the nature of the relationship is.... What a hard situation you are faced with I wish you strength

RED FLAGS... HUGE RED FLAGS... not talking to you for a week??? and he wants to marry you?

RUN!!! Trust me!! RUN hard and RUN fast but RUN!!!
This is not likely to change.

So he's just after a visa then? Even more reason to run now while you still have an ignore button to get rid of him and his games.
He's not likely to stop talking to other girls once he has his visa anyway if that's all he's after. It'll just be easier for him to meet up with the trollops that couldn't afford to sponsor him once he's here!

Compare it to fishing. Men know that when they catch a good sized fish, they put it in the bucket instead of throwing it back. They cast their line out in the water again, even though they have a fish already, they always hold out in hopes that they will land an even bigger and better fish.

OT but wow I have been craving fish ALL DAY LONG!

(sorry)

He's a cheating piece of crap. no doubt about it.

**coughcoughbullshitecoughcough**

Mr too, Bridget! Greasy deep fried cod with lemon and loads of tartar sauce.

We had shrimp last night....

update.....
we are talking right now, wait and see.
also i sent her an email and informed her of our pending visa status.


this could be the end or maybe not

Belinda, I think it's pretty obvious what's going on here and IMO it's totally unacceptable behavior. I agree w/ whoever said "RUN AND RUN FAST". However, many women have put up w/ far worse, so, clearly it's your decision to put up w/ whatever you decide to put up w/. It's my understanding that he's not even here yet, correct? It's highly unlikely he'll change once he's here. Let him go to Finland..........

Bottom line...a good relationship is an honest one! My husband subscribes to Hi-5 too, but he shares things about it with me. I know who he's talking to, I'm included in his pictures, etc. You should definitely confront your partner and get everything out in the open.

If he is hiding things from you now, dont it make you wonder whatelse he is not honest about. I wish I had saw red flags before I married then I would have had the chance to see was it worth it . I know because I have been there and believe me once trust is gone ITS GONE.
At the end of the day the final decision is yours. I hope you resolve your concerns in a manner that make you feel good about you.

Barb

i am sure that stopping you from contacting his friend from Finland means that he has another relation with her. i think he just want to cross to America. dont permett him a happiness at the expense of ur happiness. he had to tell you about his friends , accounts and evrything , u better cancell ur petition , , it looks u'll burst into tears if u dont.
Hope u find the right person, he is not the one to trust. Good luck.

I agree 100% with Barb. It's not likely to stop when he gets here and you'll only feel worse then.

Luv Suck,
I feel you and the others have given her very good advice.
Barb

I don't know what he is going to tell you, but I would insist on knowing ALL of his account names and passwords, then I would log into them quickly before he has a chance to delete. Sorry, but I think he will try to smooth it over, but if he hesitates to give you this info then this will give you a little more insight on his intentions.

My husband and I know each others screen names and passwords for each other. I have nothing to hide, and neither do I, so neither of us had an issue giving each other the info. Not just that but we are constantly asking each other to check each others emails when we are looking for something.

Some like to keep a personal life apart from their spouse, which is their business, but it appears he has crossed the line. You have earned some rights to know here.

so big of a red flag that bulls from all over the world are charging in her direction.

He may have already deleted anything he didn't want her to see.... and who's to say he'd give her ALL his accounts anyway?
And what's to prevent him from making new accounts after she has access to these?

If he did not have anything to hide, then why would he ask you not to contact her?

Iranian culture is not accepting of men chatting up women if the man is "attached."

My husband is from Iran and he made it very clear once a man is "engaged or married" he has to respect the woman he is with. This means not developing close ties to other women. He can have polite, restrained relationships with female work colleagues and female neighbors. But nothing more than "how's the weather, hope your family is doing well..."

If you really want the truth, than bait him, sometimes we need to see the truth right in front of us, in big red colors. Make up a yahoo account or whatever you use to chat with, and go and pick him up online. If you need to know how do it just let me know. I feel so bad for you, I would love to bait him, he would need help if I busted him, and I mean the medical kind of help. Good luck sweetie

My heart goes to you..... I am sorry for what you're feeling right now. My man (in the beginning) had "friends" but we both agreed if he felt uncomfortable with me having "men" friends that he shouldn't have "women" friends. He has deleted them as I have mine.

Trust is so very necessary when we're so far apart. It's easier for us to say what we would do but so hard when it's you haveing to face it. Myself? What would I do? Pray.... there's always a reason for something and we may not know what it is but there is a reason.

Best of thoughts to you...

Belinda I wish I was a man and could give you some light in this but you know how much I love you and I just cannot not respond. I did not want to see this post from you, not at this time. It made me tear up to think here we are counting each day of AP agony together, saying each month its gonna get better its gonna get better and now i hear this.

Listen to me - this does not sound good in any way, but he could just be doing some innocent chatting - maybe frustrated with the wait or just wanting to get his mind off of the whole. My NO MEANS does he get any excuse for cause you heart ache in this already hard situation, but this been a long together and you were even planning to go see him, I know how hard it is to trust men as I have not yet mastered that - so I hate to see a potentially wonderful relationship go (money and time aside) cause he decided to be friendly online.

Belinda dear you know him better than all of us, 2 years is enough to know a good portion of a person's characteristics. If you know how he is, then what you are thinking is right. But if he is behaving in a foreign manner then yes, something is wrong.

Give him some time to see what he says to you. It may be just an online thing, like many people chat onlinem etc etc, give benefits of doubt until your heart fully says to you, this is not the man I have been suffering for for over 2 years.
Tell him straight that this is not a joke. I believe he loves you and I feel he never feels for another woman as he does you.

Take some time off and see his response. What you decide after that, God has your back all the way.

Love you,
Tammy

ohhh

I'm behind ya 100% Belinda. Drop him when the excuses come through once you are confirmed of everything. If he buying time though, to try to make up lies to suger coat this, you will feel it. Then its time to cut him off because you will NOT tolerate this crap.


Tammy

Belinda,

So sad to read your post. This is the worst fear of the separation and especially AP.

Lean on your friends and take care of yourself. You are more important than any man.


Anita

I sent you a pm. I am here if you need me.

Thank you so much for all the advice. We did finally talk today, for over an hour and I think some of it can be put off to a misunderstanding, some to his lack of understanding women, and some to just the very long wait for the visa.
I had given him permission to speak to women online. he likes to talk to ppl from all cultures and discuss life, politics and such. I will not deprive him of this, his dream is to travel the world and since he cannot yet do that he travels by talking to other ppl.
Part of it, I think, is believes that if he posts that he is committed to a woman he will not attract female friends very easily.
Part of it is we are both ready to give up. He is 35 and has never been married (in his culture a very big no no).

We decided to wait until the end of June and then we will discuss our alternatives.
In the meantime I will wait and see. I have known him too long to just throw everything out because of this.

BTW, I did approach him under a false ID over one year ago and he kept it purely friendly, nothing more.

AND
I did send an email to the other woman and explain we are waiting for a fiance visa. I explained I did not want to hurt her but I would like to know what he has said to her as we both need to know if he is playing both of us.

Thanks again everyone for your support. I will wait and see what happens when the end of June arrives.

Ya, I believe theres so many factors in this. Its so easy to say red flag run, but you cannot just throw something away that easily. I believe Belinda, you will get your good answer soon. Wait till the end of summer. Love has no time limit and I know God is watching over you.

Tammy

I am happy for u and im soooo happy to know that u guys got it worked out

Why is he so interested in meeting other females so badly? Why should stating that he is commited to another woman matter so much to these other females, or him for that matter? If he only wants them as friends, his being involved in another relationship shouldn't matter at all. I think these men have a far better understanding of women than they will admit. But the final decision is yours whether you want to keep him or not. It is your life and your happiness. I hope that you make the decision that is best for you.