Hello,
I came here on a fiance visa and now we are maried for two months.
I am in a wery bad position and I don't know what should I do?
Before I came here I was shore that he loves me and we bouth was wery hapy.
When I arived here in US ewerthing was still perfect until the night before our weding when he sudanly out of nowhere become nervous and start yelin at me. I was in shock becouse there is no reason for that. He told me that I don't understand hem, that I spending to much money and more horible staf. He hurt me becouse it is not truth. I didn't spend enything to much. I only buy a couple personal things and a weding dres for 60$. And even that I paid with my owne money. I newer ask anything from hem. It was a horible night, I was criyin whole night and he ruin my weding day. After that he apologize a lot and told me that it was newer gona happen again. Ewerthing was fine for couple of weeks then started again.
He tellin me the same thing that I am a spender even if I still didn't buy anything for me. He making jokes about me in front of hes friends to humiliated me. He tellin me that he wont something for dinner and when I prepaired that for hem then he want something elce to eat. I am a good cook and I am doin my best all the time, but he is not satisfaed.
We makein love a once in a two weeks and ewen that is not the same anymore. He became a wery selfish lover. We never going out, only for buyin a food but I must be quiet and let hem to do all the staf. He doesn't let my to be a wife, sometimes I feel like a slave.
I tolk to hem a couple of times, but ewery time he just yelin at me and telin me that I must be gratefouel to hem becouse he broth me here in US .
We stil didn't aply for AOS but I will in the next couple of days.
I have nobady to talk about my problems. My family back home thinks that I am hapy and they miss me a lot, and I miss them.
I belive in mariage and I don't wont to and up divorce but I can't stand this anymore and I have no more tears.

My english is not god, I can't drive, I don't have a work permit, I don't have a friends here and I still love my husband.
I am not the same preson like I was before, I feel like garbiege and I can't smile anymore. I have no joy for life and I am scared what is next.
Please help me with some advice.
You are my only hope.

Thank you

Damn. I'm really sorry for what your going through. It makes my blood boil why men treat there wives like that. I cant really give you advice on whether to stay or go back home but you really need to pin your husband down and talk with him.

In my opinion, the future doesn't look good for you. He's treating you like a piece of sh$t and thats way out of order. You have to think of yourself here. If he's treating you like this now, what will it be like in the future? You have my sympathy out to you and I really hope you can get this resolved somehow.

Good luck.

i dont have any advice to give u i have never been in a situation like that so i have no experience to fall back on.......
but i can tell u that is no way to treat a women and more importantly his wife..........nobody has the right to treat someone as a slave or to belittle them or make them think that they should be thankful for being brought to the USA............i hope that someone on this site has better advice to give u than i have but I will add u to my prayers..........
sara

I'm so sorry you are going through this

You must feel so alone!

All I can tell you is, that you need to follow your heart. You have to make you happy too. I understand you believe in marriage but if one person in that marriage is making the other person feel horrible about themselves and making it very very hard to live with them, maybe it's time to face the fact that it's not working.

You say you have talked to him and all he does is yell. Not a good sign. You could try calmly talking to him a few more times, simply telling him you aren't happy and you don't like the way he treats you and see what he says.

Look at your future. Picture yourself 5, 10 even 20 years down the road. Can you see yourself staying strong and married for the sake of marriage to a man who treats you this way and makes you feel like dirt? If you can't then perhaps you should go back home.

It sounds awful the things he is doing to you. Humiliating you in front of his friends, telling you you can't speak when you go out in public, making you cook and then telling you he wants something different like you are a short order cook. Yelling at you for no reason. It's sad and not the way a marriage should be.

You are a person too in this and you need to stand up for you. Follow your heart, even if that means going back home to the people who love you and care for you.

Best of luck hon

Salutations,
I cant tell you what YOU should do, I can only talk about ME. If it were ME and its not, I would cut my losses and do what I need to do for ME. No one has the right to dehumanize anyone for any reason what so ever. That is just cruel and ignorant behaviour precipitated by twisted and immature thinking. I am not going to preach to you, but self preservation is a must in a situation like this. And psychology teaches, that the best indicator of future behaviour is dictated by past and present behaviour. That goes for the perpetrator as well as the victim. All of my best to you. Take care and be strong.
UNO

This really is sad. Sorry I don't know what advice to give you, but I would assume he loves you because he petitioned you and brought you here. Its just that his type of love is really sick.

When I read these stories I can't help but wonder some things. Do these American men fail with relationships with american women because we have some form of power against abuse in the US, so they think they can go to another country in hopes that these women are taught to deal with this type of abuse? I don't care what country any one is from, this is wrong wrong wrong!

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all your answers and for your support.
You are all right and I think the same, but we are maried only for two months and I can stop houpin that things will be better.
He is US Citizen, but he is born and raised in my country. He is came here in US ten years ago. He is 35 years old and I am 28. When we met he told me that he alwais wona maried sombody from are country, becouse of the coulture.
We spend a couple months together back home and he was a perfect man.
Believe me sometimes I was wondering how is possible that someone can be that perfect. When we waited for my visa, he was wery unpatient and we talk on the phone ewery day. After few months he came to visit me again and belive me guys we have no problems.
And all that is the reson becouse I still have a hope for as. I just can't figure out what should I do and how to react to all this. How to make hem stop doin this to me and realize that he can lose me.
I am just a normal girl, back home I alwais have a lot of friends, I was wery funy and friendly person. I had my owne place, a job. I look wery prety and I newer have problems to find a man. I foll for hem right away, something magicly just hapend and I couldn't help it. My family and friends was wery saad becouse I am goin away so far. My mother stil cryin when I tolk to her on the phone and she fills something is wrong and askin me that all the time. I can't tell her, I can tell to anybody only becouse I still hopin for the best.
I just need some strainght.

Thanks again!

What country are you from? Is this a country that the women are oppressed in general? A wife (and husband) is to be respected and loved, not treated like a door mat. You have to be strong and let him know you will not stand for this abuse.

he is abusing you!

That is just wrong the way he is treating you. What should have been the happiest day of your life turned out to be the worse. Do you really want to stay with a cruel man like that? Is he really worth it? These are questions you have to ask yourself. I hope you find the right answer.

Is there a church or religious organization in your area where you can go to meet people? I ask this because you say you are still in love and you don't want to give up on your marriage, yet at the same time you are very alone. And you absolutely deserve to be treated with love and dignity. Perhaps if you had the chance to interact with others and not feel so dependent on your husband you will find the strength to do whatever is best for you, whether that is to leave your husband, or to work it out.

I am sorry you are suffering this way.

I'm sorry that the man you thought to be the perfect one for you turned out to be a man like he is now. I understand that it is difficult to just drop everything from where you are now because you already gave up whatever life you had in your country. It's like you already set your mind that the life you would have will be with him and most probably didn't have any other alternatives prepared. I can't tell you what you can do coz the decision should come from you.But I hope you won't sacrifice your happiness. You're still young so don't waste your life to be an unhappy and abused wife. Hope you'll find an answer soon to your situation. Good luck and God bless

Im so sorry u are being treated this way, Dont ever let a men treat u this way, you said it yourself, your a pretty girl and HE doesnt deserve YOU!!!!! Sweetie, only you can decide whether to stay or go, we cant decide for you. All we can tell you is that his behavior is wrong.

Sorry to hear that, I hope everything will be fine to you there. You don't deserve that treatment, stay strong and always pray

Go home. . you deserve better.

Bless You Nikol,
Im so sorry this is happening to u and you are not near your family. Sorry I cant give any advice but I can remember you in my prayers. You will remain in my thoughts.
Barb

hi nikol, im sorry to what happened to ur marriage.
he is a jerk... don't let him treat u like that... it is extremely wrong.
2 months is too short.. and then he already showed his true color.. but also have good thing coz u know now as early as that.. and don't have kids yet..
It's really up to u, to stay and continue the AOS or go home..? find where is ur happiness, but for me.. if u will ask me, I will not stay! even i love him, coz i don't wanna be a slave.. I want to be happy and if he can't give it to me, then there's no reason that I will stay with him.
I know it's hard for u coz u love him, but please look for ur own sake and for ur future,,,

I know u are very lonely and sad now, i want to extend my arms to hug you. If you need someone to talk, we are always here in VJ for you and if u want personal mssg, just pm one of us or me,, I am also available always to talk to u.

That's an awful situation to be in... I know all to well what it's like to be in a different country with no friends or family anywhere nearby, unable to work or drive, and having no one to turn to. Lucky for me the person I married loves, respects and supports me, which made the isolation entirely more bearable.

I understand wanting to stay and try to work things out...at the same time, if he has started mistreating you so early in the relationship, this is a very bad sign. You are the only one who can decide what is best for you, but I strongly believe that no one should ever tolerate abuse. If he is unable to talk to you openly and honestly as a partner and husband should, then perhaps he is not mentally or emotionally prepared for marriage.

I must say thanks again for all yours prayers and supports.
Sombody ask me here am I from country where womans usually treated like this, no I am not. I am from European country where womans have all rights like here in America. I apologize becouse I use this acount to stay more anonymus. I hope you will understand.

I got some news! Yestarday I told my husband that I need tolk to hem and ask hem to not yellin and to let me finishing everthing I must say.
He says OK and I told hem that I can live with hem anymore like this and that I am ready to go home becouse I deserve more then this. And then he ask me why!!! I couldn't believe that he askin me that. Then I told hem ewerthin. I didn't stop for about 15 minutes and when I finished I was scared what he would do or say. He told me that he didn't got no idea that he was that kind of jerk. That he knows that he was neorvus and in the bad mood but he didn't know that I was so hurt and unhappy. I don't believe hem that but after that he told that he will change and from now he will be much better husband to me. He alco told me that he will die if I leve hem and that he loves me wery much. He says that he was a little afraid to be maried becouse of all a responsibilty but now he is more afraid that I will leve hem. He says a lot more things to me and I was a little releife. I am still not shore that everthing is gona be fine but this two days he is nice to me and I will see how is gona work later.

Important is that I am much better now and I am gratefoul to you guys for that becouse you encorage me to do that. I have much more hope that soon I will find some friends and start a normal life.

Thank you and god bless you all!

P.S. Sory for bad whritning, I am still learning and this is good for me to practise.

Oh sweetie I am so happy that you both talked, remember there are lows and highs in marriage. Try to find a place where you can meet other people so you won't be so alone. Keep us informed, and you are in my thoughts.

Nikol,

I am sorry to hear of your difficulties, and I'm glad you and your husband were able to discuss what has been going on. The fact that you asserted yourself and approached him about this is a good sign. The fact that he would listen and accept responsibility for his actions is also a good sign. I would caution you, however, that this may not be the end of it. Telling someone you will die if they leave is a red flag to me; it is emotional blackmail.

I hope you will make efforts to develop a social support network for yourself... friends, interests outside the marriage, a class or perhaps a religious affiliation if that is a part of your life. All marriages have rough patches... some rougher than others... but having a friend to turn to during that time can be SO comforting. And it will help you ease into your new life here in the US.

My husband has had great luck with ESL classes (you can probably get more information from your local public library and/or school system). It is a nice way to meet people who are also adjusting to life in this country, and improve your English at the same time. Your English is very good, by the way.

Best wishes,
Maya

Nikol,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation but I think ONLY YOU know what to do next.
Hope the best for your future and do not let him treat you like that. Nobody deserves to be treated like this especially
he has no idea what it means to leave your family back to come to a foreign country to be with him!
Stay strong!

Nikol I wish you the best, and I hope after your talk that things will get better.

Now who is stereotyping?
American women don't have a monopoly on being treated like crap, many American women treat men like crap because they are taught they can do whatever they want and get away with it.
Some of us American men go elsewhere to find a wife that will treat them with unconditional love and respect.
I agree this guy should learn how to treat his wife but what most people lack are communication skills in a relationship. This guy is obviously immature and doesn't know how to communicate his feelings to his wife. Hopefully, if he loves his wife enough he will realize what he needs to learn to be a good husband and hopefully she doesn't become to Americanized that she reverses the situation.
Marriage is hard work sometimes and if they both realize how important it is they will do whatever they have to to make eachother happy.

Excuse me? Did any place in my post suggest that ALL American men do this? The question was plain and simple. Do these men (abusive types, in case you have trouble following a thought) fail with.....
Are you going to continue this blatant disrespect of American women in all strings?

This is way more than a lack of communication skills. This is a person that is VERBALLY ABUSIVE. And what are you suggesting, that this women is only complaining because she is becoming Americanized? Get a grip, this is ABUSE! She has a right to complain whether she is American or any other culture.

GAWD!

Communication is key in any relationship. I always feel like you can't blame someone for not understanding how you are feeling if you dont' tell them. Once, you tell them.....if they ignore those feelings, they are on their own.

Keep open those lines of communication. Sounds like hubby is trying. I wish you the best.

I don't quite agree with this. She stated she has tried to tell him before, but he just yells at her and tells her that she should be grateful that he brought her here. He also humilates her in front of his friends. This is so disrespectful, not just a communication problem.

I really hope he is going to change.

I am sorry to hear of your difficulties, and I'm glad you and your husband were able to discuss what has been going on. The fact that you asserted yourself and approached him about this is a good sign. The fact that he would listen and accept responsibility for his actions is also a good sign. I would caution you, however, that this may not be the end of it. Telling someone you will die if they leave is a red flag to me; it is emotional blackmail.

I hope you will make efforts to develop a social support network for yourself... friends, interests outside the marriage, a class or perhaps a religious affiliation if that is a part of your life. All marriages have rough patches... some rougher than others... but having a friend to turn to during that time can be SO comforting. And it will help you ease into your new life here in the US.

My husband has had great luck with ESL classes (you can probably get more information from your local public library and/or school system). It is a nice way to meet people who are also adjusting to life in this country, and improve your English at the same time. Your English is very good, by the way.

Best wishes,
Maya
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Yes, I didn't like it too when he told me that he wiil die and I told hem that, but he says it was more like an a expression.
Can you plese tell me how can I gat som ESL classes online. I can go to schoool becouse I can't drive or at liest untill I find a way to go. Maybe my husband agreed to drive me to school.
Thank you for your wishes Maya!
Nikol

I must say that he is trying, last night he was makin dinner for me and he told me that he can be a god husband and he just need some time.
Than you Jomo's girl and buy the whay your wedding picture is beautifol!

I hope so too and I think you are right, this is not just a communication problem. Now I thin that he was afraid of something more then just to be a married. Not shore what is it.
I am ready to give hem more chanses and we will see how ewerthing is gona work in the future days. Ewerytime when he make joke about me in front of his friends they also told hem that he shouldn't do that but he think that was just funy and not humilating. One of hes friends have a wife and she is wery nice to me but also wery busy and I don't know her that much to ask her for help. We talk on the phone sometimes and she told me that I can call her any time I need someone and she will be here for me. I think that is a god start for som friendship. We will see.
Thank you morocco4ever for your understanding!

I am glad to see that you are letting him know how you feel. I am also glad you are going to give him another chance. This way that even if it doesn't work out you know that you did the best you could. Just a thought, the next time he says something disrespectul about you in front of his friends why don't you try kindly saying "that was an unkind thing to say about your wife, I hope you don't really feel that way". I would be curious to see his reaction.

I agree that getting yourself as self sufficient as possible is essential. Go to ESL classes, get a drivers license. You should be in a marriage because you love that person, not because you are afraid to be on your own.

Really sorry to hear about your troubles. It sounds like your husband is really selfish and controlling. Since you still love him you might want to consider getting into counselling to find out why he is really like that. If he will not do that then I don't know, divorce is never good but sometimes it is the only way to get out of a bad relationship so you can start over. I hope everything works out for you.

Nikol,
I'm sorry that you were in such a bad situation, its horrible to be in a new marriage, new country and to be going through all that. I'm happy to hear that your husband is turning around and improving.

You asked about the ESL classes. When my husband got here, he went to a community college, and they offer level 1-4 totally free. Most do, you just have to ask about them. Community colleges have 2 ESL divisions, the paid ones, and the state-funded free ones. This is a great opportunity to meet people, socialize, get out of the house, and of course practice English. I'm not sure where you live, but most bigger cities will have free programs at state or city centers (in Chicago for example they have free ESL at lots of high schools in the PM & weekends), just do some googling.

Quick edit: I forgot to add, that community colleges also have counselors/psychologists. So if you need someone to talk to about your relationship, or if you feel abused, they are there to help also.

Good luck to you!

Thank you wery much for your response. I am in a small town 25 miles from San Francisco. I allready search on the internet for the ESL classes and I find something like adult center and also one college but not in the summer. They got spring classes but it is too late for that, so I believe I will have to wait for the fall. I practise ewery day on the internet and I will contiue with that for now. I think I learnin fast becouse when I was just arievd it was OK for me to speake some english but I couldn't whrite anething... so .

My husband and I doing god for now and I can see he is trayn to doo things right and I still hope for the best!

Thanks again!

You deserve better than this....don't let the situation get worse....no one should be treated as less than human