Had our Citizenship Interview yesterday. My Wife passed the Interview, but we are on hold because a second A file that is missing. One of our Russian Friends had the same problem and it took 4 years to clean up. I sure hope we will be faster. Our Russian friend was here on his own (no American relation). I guess, I will give them a little time and then it will be time to sick my Senator on them.

Huh? What do you mean "a second A file that is missing" ??

Sorry to hear the bad news Kud. I remember your wife's US citizenship timeline was similar to my wife's. My wife just had her successful interview on May 13 and we are now waiting for the letter to tell us when the next naturalization ceremony she will be scheduled for.

US-CIS lost my stepdaughter's medical file when she went in for the AoS interview a couple of years ago. We had to get her another medical exam (at our extra expense) even though it was their fault they lost it. They lost my wife's too, but her interviewer didn't RFE us on it. My stepdaughter's interviewer nailed her on it though and decided to make an issue out of it. It just shows how flakey and fickle the system is. There is no rhyme or reason to it.

Good luck to you. I hope it eventually gets straightened out for you and your wife.

Yes, what is this second A file?

And peejay's story just goes to show the value of having a copy "packet" of everything you send in. While you're making your papers, make a copy of everything you submit. For something like the "sealed medical file" that you get from a civil surgeon, make sure they give you a copy of what's sealed inside. If worse comes to worst you can go back to the civil surgeon and have them "seal" it for you or you can seal it up yourself. (If a seal is even required.)

At the time I wondered whether to raise a stink about the RFE on my stepdaughter's AoS. My wife and stepdaughter dutifully handed the sealed envelopes to the immigration people at Houston Intercontinental Airport. The US-CIS office is about 2 miles from the airport and still the files managed to get lost.

I thought about it and decided it would be easier and quicker just to get another immigration physical done for my stepdaughter rather than risk a delay in her getting the 2 year Green Card. Not that I have money to burn, but I just decided it was better for her to get the Green Card quickly. Her EAD might have expired before US-CIS got the lost file straightened out. There is nothing worst than having a 19 year old kid without something constructive to do. And earning wages is constructive.

I'm not quite sure if Kud's problem is as easy to fix as ours was.

How about a 28-year-old woman with no friends, nowhere to go, and no money to do anything?

I can sympathize. At one time I had 2 adult women on my hands and it was tough finding enough stuff to do to keep them both occupied. After 4+ years it has improved somewhat.

The stepdaughter lives with her 3rd USA boyfriend now. She mostly has her own life except when she wants something. That something is almost always money to supplement her meager wages. I stopped coughing up cash to her a long time ago, so her mom gives her money from her own savings (not mine). I tried to send her to college, but she partied that opportunity away along with other stuff I did to attempt get her established in the USA. Her only hope now is to find a guy to support her the rest of her life. So far that hasn't worked out either. So far she hasn't managed to make more than $6000 a year since she started working here in the USA. She doesn't have a car and rides the bus to work even though she has a drivers license. She can't afford another car after wrecking the one we bought her.

My wife worked at the Catholic school in our neighborhood, but school is out for the summer. Now I have her home all the time and am back to trying to keep her occupied. She has lots of American and Russian friends here, but hangs all the time with me while I'm home from work. That's great, but I have things I need to do and I would like to hang out with the guys every once in a while and do guy stuff. I see my old buddies rarely anymore. The Catholic school was jus a part time gig anyway. My wife says she wants a full time gig that makes more than the minimum wage she gets now with zero benefits. So far she hasn't made more than $12,000 a year yet. I bought her the car she drives.

So far their arrival and life here in the USA is an ongoing process. They do have friends and places to go, but not nearly enough money. It took them a while to get to this point. The whole story is too long to fit in one post.

Good luck with your wife. All you can do is to be supportive and try to get her moving forward. It ain't always easy.

Just get her pregnant slim worked for me

Get a dog. She will be happy, and you won't go to jail for leaving it locked up inside your home in a cage. Worked for me

Man....threads like this make me so thankful. Last week, my wife had two interviews for 50K+/year jobs. Second interview for one of them this week. You guys make me feel lucky.

Slim - I dunno what to tell ya man. If the work ethic ain't there to begin with, gonna he hard to help her do something useful with herself. I'm sure you've had these conversations with her already though.

Good luck!
td

Peejay, this post scares the daylights outta me. I don't know if we can survive two-and-a-half more years of her working "part-time" and just doing basically whatever she wants to do. And man, I feel for you, you've got it times 2.

So even having friends here doesn't help? I was kind of hoping once she found some friends here they'd get her butt in gear explaining how it takes two people working, HARD, to be able to take vacations and travel the world and have diamonds and all that stuff. Not just a husband.

I guess we're going to have to find a different approach.



So now that she's had a kid she's "pulling her weight" when it comes to bills or she's dropped the expectations of the "fabulous life?" I have a feeling my wife would only "upgrade" her expectations to include the kid(s). "We must have more big house because now we have children. And husband must be work extra more hard because he must pay for nice stuff."

I have no problem with a wife filling that role, but that's a role that we can't afford right now and that we've not planned on. As far as I know, there's still something about the Caribbean and diamonds and a big house and without her working a "real" job, none of that is going to be possible.



I'm glad you now realize how lucky you are. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if my wife stopped being a financial burden on me and not only contributed something, but competed with me monetarily. No matter how many times I explain the budget or show her how spending/earning works, it just doesn't matter. She's going to do what she wants to do. It seems it's OK for a wife to be selfish because she's beautiful and no matter what she does (or fails to do) it's still my privelige to be married to her.

For some reason, she's unable to grasp the concept of two people making $50,000+ = $100,000+. She seems to be under the impression that if she makes whatever she wants to make (under $10,000) that eventually, her husband will just magically make more because eventually he'll get it through his thick head that he should be working a second and third job to get her whatever she wants. It must be so nice to have a woman who is self-sufficient and doesn't rely on her husband for 100% of her happiness.


And neonred, I've already bought her two cats. They worked for about a week. Then it was back to being my fault for not having enough money for her to go out and do what she wants to do to find "real" friends.


How did you guys get your "unmotivated" wives to get out and do something useful? Or are you still working through the process?

I don't think it's possibile.

Have you tried the education route yet? My wife for example has yet to bring in $10k a year but she has always been going to school full time (for free I must add) and working part time, granted those jobs don't pay much. However, she will have her BA next year and if all is well should rap up a masters program the following year. And with any luck she should be making as much if not more as AK's wife in two years time.

If someone doesn't really think they should have to work, I don't see how education would help.

I agree in part, in our case my wife doesn't find being a sales associate, front desk, kitchen help, babysitter, etc., for $10/h or less to be very rewarding. Maybe a job that applies an acquired education and has more responsibility and of course pays well will be a motivation for others. Of course someone who has no motivation to work, will unlikely find a motivation to go to school.

So we're back to square one.

How do I get a person who is unmotivated to get and keep a job to go to (and somehow pay for) school? How is there free school out there in California, by the way?

And for some reason, I don't think having a degree of some sort is going to help our situation. I just don't see how someone can make it through school and then a higher-level job if they can't make it through simply sustaining an easy middle-class life. It's not like it's really difficult to get up and go to work for eight hours a day. To ask a person who's not capable of doing that to go to school as well is asking too much.

She's starting English classes next month (finally) and when I suggested she find a job more suited to her hours (like going to school for 3 1/2 hours during the day and then working six to eight hours in the evening) she flipped. Absolutely bonkers! How could I expect her to work so hard for the things she wants? I'm the one that should be working harder to pay for them, not her. That's a husband's job.

Am I just going to have to be patient until she realizes that either she's going to be happy with what we have or she's going to have to adapt her expectations to a more realistic plan?

Well, she works in a restaurant now, right? maybe she'd be happier in a job with more fringe benefits. Like if she worked at Neiman Marcus she'd get a steep employee discount on all the makeup/skincare/fancy shoes/clothes her heart desires and she'd only associate with "kulturniye" people. or she could go to beauty school and get a job as a hairstylist or makeup artist for a very fancy salon or something like that.

I feel for you.
Its difficult to change a perspective like that. When my wife and I talk about money its usually we want to save and make sure we can take care of things. Elena would love to work but there are no jobs for her here that will pay enough to cover day care and that interest her. She doesnt want to work at Menards as a cashier (no offense to all you Menards cashiers out there) she wants to find a nice part or full time job in an office where she can meet people and practice her english and learn how lazy most american workers are.
I wish there was something I could do to help you out.

That is quite the conundrum, what is your education level?

Tell her she needs to support you for a few years while you get whatever the next step is for you so you can be the sole provider. She can support you by paying some bills while you work and go to school. I assume you have some money coming from the military for school?

Ever filled out a FAFSA? Based on our low income. Under 30k for the last four years, remember I was a student too, the federal government pretty much pays for everything and then some with Pell grants. As long you go to a state school with instate tuition. For poor folks like us we also have Board of Governors Fee Waiver for junior college. Cal grants for those with decent grades and then the multitude of scholarships where the number one criteria is being poor.

My wife worked at Nordstrom, and lets just say a 90% discount off a $1,000 designer dress is still $100, and that is still much higher than say getting a dress at Ross.

omg, is the discount really 90%? i thought it would be like 20% or something. Maybe it's time for a career change.

Slim's wife doesn't sound like the kind of woman who would shop at Ross anyway, though. Plus, with clothes, especially women's clothes, you get what you pay for. A 1000$ dress is meant to be worn forever and then passed on to your daughter. I don't have anything that cost 1000$, but I have clothes that were quite expensive when I bought them, but they hold up, keep their shape/color/etc. and stay in style much longer than cheaper clothes, which are meant to really only last for a season or two. I have clothes from seven years ago that I wear regularly and look brand new. I'd rather buy one beautiful 1000$ dress that will always be beautiful then 50 crap 20$ dresses that fall apart and fade after a few months. And if that 1000$ dress cost me 100$, that is pretty much my idea of heaven.

I used my example as an exaggeration. The regular employee discount was only 20%, but when combined with all the other proper sales and promotional deals it could have been as high as 90% on some select items. I never understood what is so bad about Ross. You just have to look harder for the same quality stuff.

I don't like shopping when it involves digging and searching, unless it's a sales rack at places like neiman's or nordstroms.. I have only been to ross a few times, but they really don't carry the brands i wear. i recall a lot of polo and ck. also, these kind of stores generally don't have much in my size anyway. everything good is L or XL.

That's exactly what my wife desires as well. The only difference is I'm not as financially established as some of you already are and in order for us to sustain right now, we BOTH must work, even if it is at Menards. I have a decent job and could live a pretty comfortable life by myself. Add another person into the mix and they're going to have to contribute at least a little bit.

Truth be told we could make it on my job alone but we wouldn't be able to have "nice" things. She's not happy without these "nice" things but fails to understand that we can't have them on my earnings alone. (It would be so easy if she would just work at Menards!)



My education level is "trade/technical school completed, some college" but nowhere near even an AA/AS. Well, somewhat near but a good year or so to complete it.
Your assumption about the money coming in is incorrect. I have zero dollars from the military for school (MGIB stripped as part of my "getting out early" separation) and furthermore, I have to PAY back the govt. for money they paid me as part of a contractual bonus that I didn't fulfill. I would've been done paying by now but that's usually the first bill that gets skipped when my wife would rather eat at a nice restaraunt than pay for something necessary like, say, the rent.

Tell her to support me while I go to school? She refuses to support even herself. And the really sad part is, I'm not asking her to fully support either one of us. Just supplement our household income to the tune of whatever "extra" you want to do. That's it. Simple right?



I filed for FAFSA when I attempted to go to University of Phoenix for two weeks. A lot of good that did me. There's no way we're getting any kind of public assistance. I'm too busy paying for other people to go to school. And a "low interest" student loan is not a good deal in my eyes. Not yet, anyway.



Then she'd just find something else in her life that was so horrible. The job is merely the scapegoat of the moment.



Everyone, I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm b!tching and moaning about how horrible my wife is. I am venting a little (thanks) but in truth, this is one of the areas that if she could get worked out, things would be awesome around here. I believe this is a fundamental problem blocking our happiness together. Just wondering if anyone else is in the same boat and what you did about it.

Feel free to let me know how you feel. You know I'm not one to sugarcoat stuff here and I'm not going to get offended.

That's what the Interviewer told my Wife and and then me when the interviewer walked her out to the waiting area. I know that your A-File has all your immigration paperwork in it. Why a second A-File? I am clueless

Slim:

Your wife is 28 (or so), right? If by that age, she has not learned basic work ethic and acquired the motivation to get ahead in life, the sad fact is that it is doubtful she will. If she is using marriage as a vehicle for being a parasite, rather than a partner, in combination with this lack of work ethic and motivation, is is likely that no amount of conversation, short of a frank discussion concerning marriage roles and expectations, is likely to change anything (and it sounds like you've already had a few rounds of this). After a while, after some fooling around, grappling for position and attempting to judge the fortitude of the other party, those kind of discussions tend to go one of two ways. Either the offending party finally "sees the light" and responds accordingly (either you give up your expectations and live with it, or she gets a clue and does something productive with herself) or the couple goes down a more destructive road that almost always ends up in separation. There may be some detours, while one party "plays along" while looking for a better deal, in line with one's closely held believes about marriage roles, but in the end, the bad mojo goes down.

I do know this - after a month of playing "good Russian wife" and sitting home all day, my wife couldn't take it anymore and decided to volunteer at the library some 20 hours/week instead. She applied for EAD the day after we got married and starting seriously looking for a job about a month before we expected it to arrive in the mail - and was working at OK job (admin assistant, 35K/year, great benefits) the week the EAD actually arrived. At 31, my wife is the about the same age as yours - and she was 28 when she arrived about 3 years ago. Of the other Russian women I know locally - their dispositions are:

Kira - 50+ : more or less immediately starting taking ESL classes (she spoke some already) and within 6 months or so, went to school for phlebotomy. Completed the 9 month or so program - got a job in a hospital.

Larisa - 20 : Kira's daughter. Spoke no English upon arrival. more or less immediately starting taking ESL classes (she spoke some already) and within 6 months or so, went to school for phlebotomy. Completed the 9 month or so program - got a job in a hospital. Also now going to university - wants to be a doctor.

Luuba – 32+ : Spoke good English upon arrival. Took pre-nusing classes at university in preparation for nursing school. Applied, got in, and just completed her B.S in Nursing. Also just had a kid last week - so we'll see if she makes anything of herself or not. But in the meantime she has worked her ### off.

Oxana – 35+ : Not sure how much English she spoke upon arrival - but more or less started working in a department store at first opportunity. Seems motivated and well adjusted.

The point is - your wife's behavior seems to be anything but normal. Same for the attitude of "husband works, wife plays". Don't let her pull the wool over your eyes. Think hard about what to do about this problem.

Good luck!
AKDiver

some people are just like that. my stepmother kind of is, and she has an ivy league education and a MBA.

don't want to work? been there and done that with a german girl.

Thanks for the replies.

There's no wool over my eyes but I'm pretty much stuck as to what to do. I have to just continue doing what I'm doing and hope it all comes together sometime down the road.

We'll see. I'll be sure to update here.

you're more patient than i am.

Well, that and divorce is so expensive.

It doesn't have to be - esp. when there are no kids involved and the number of assets are small. The issue you will face is that your wife will not appear to be self-supporting - and combined with the I-864 and what not, you risk getting screwed. Nevertheless, its the road I would end up on in this kind of situation if I had no reason to believe there would be an improvement.

I talked with my wife about this yesterday Slim, in some detail. She said she couldn't understand where this "wife must play, husband must work" attitude comes from, She doesn't have it. None of the Russian women she knows here have it. None of her friends back in Russia have it (every single one of the 15+ female friends she has that I met in Russia work, hard). So where does it come from? She says this issue comes up in her Russia forums every so often - and certainly there are women who have it and think it's perfectly fine. She also pointed out some of the counter arguments that get presented by the women in these groups - and this is what I wanted to bring to your attention. If you have not already done so - you might try some of these:

You should not be completely dependent on me, even just for selfish reasons because:

a). What if I did, or have an accident and can't work anymore? Then what will you do?
. What if, god forbid, I decide to leave you or divorce you? Then what will you do?
c). What if you, god forbid, decide you want to leave or divorce me? Being established in a job will make it a lot easier for you.

Appealing to the economic and logical mind doesn't seem to be working for you - so try appealing to her selfish mind and see if that gets you anywhere.

Good luck!
AKDiver

Already tried those approaches and they're just not possible. It's like they're inconceivable, that once again, reality doesn't seem to effect her like it would effect a normal person. Spouse leaves or dies... what are you going to do? It is possible, right?

Most people would, at minimum, have a ballpark idea of how they'd deal with any contingencies that would arise. She seems under the impression that someone (a rich, handsome, older guy) would swoop her right up and she'd be fine. That's cool and all, but it doesn't work right now. The rich handsome older guy can't pay your car payment while we're still married. (Or if you do get him to pay your car payment, have him kick in the rent as well please!)

I know this attitude isn't prevalent among women from Russia but there is a large number of women who have worked abroad to support themselves back home, supplementing their income by allowing a rich older guy to pay for most of their expenses. I was under the mistaken impression that marriage would alleviate that burden and some sort of self-sustainment would arise. It hasn't happend yet.

I can only hope it will.

If I was Slim's wife here is how I would respond to these:

a. Get decent disability insurance or if someone else at fault, hope for a decent settlement.
b. You will pay me alimony if I can track you down. If not there is always welfare. Believe it or not Russians do just fine on government cheese.
c. Alimony will be awarded to the less sufficient spouse even if I leave you.
d. Also if you decide to die, we can pay high premiums for life insurance.
Thanks for bringing these up buddy, now get a second or third job to bump up those life insurance and disability premiums and now that you know you are on the hook for alimony, you certainly will think twice about leaving me which in the end only results in paying and not getting the few benefits of having a good looking woman around the house brings. And you better work hard at those jobs or I will leave you and the same result occurs.

The only response I have is "well, your green card expires next summer so I hope you find someone to sponsor you before then."

i remember reading in the past that you knew her for a while. was this attitude of hers noticeable then?

Surprisingly, no.

We met when we were both young (I was barely 21 and she was just 20) and just getting out on our own and into the world.

I believe we both changed since then. This could be a really long post so I'm just going to stop.

unless you're over 30, you're still young.

Sure we're both still young, but the difference between 21 and 29 is astronomical!

only in wisdom acquired

Oh, well, hell yeah! That explains a lot right there. I think if you had waited until she was older - like 28 or 29 - these issues you describe would not be a problem.

So glad I waited until I was an old fart (34) to get married (:

Good luck!
AKDiver

I thought 26 would've been good enough but I guess I have a few more years to wait.

We'll see.....