Bear with me as this may ramble. I married my Husband ( I am the USC ) last year in April. I then applied for his 2 kids and they made it here this year 2 1/2 months ago. Since the kids have come my husband has become a differnt man. His Ex Wife is already here ( another story completly ) when my step kids lived in their country with the mom my husband had little or no contact with the EX, except for when we sent money every month. Now that she is here ( OH YEAH the kids live with us ) he speaks to her everyday sometimes for over 20 minutes, I have asked on numerous occasions for him to limit these calls . It is as though everytime she goes to the bathroom she calls him. The straw that is breaking the camels back is we had a serious discussion Monday I stated she needs to learn how to live on her own and not call for every thing. Well Lo and BEHOLD she called just Wedensday for him to help her get car insurance, and what did he say SURE i will help That is it I am so tired of everytime I turn around he is giving the helping hand. Am I wrong wanting her to learn to live on her own? This is a major deal and we may be splitting up over it this time.
And then last night the oldest kid did soemthing at the table and I said something to him, well it was a major deal because my manner was not in good words. I said do you not see that everyone else placed the meat on their plate why are you eating off of that plate. This is the first time I have said ANYTHING to the kids. I basically live in my bedroom as they have taken over my living room. Oh an where they come from they had a person wait on them for everything so it is a big mess to get them to pick up after themselves. I am at my wits end please any comments????????????
Full Version: Did I do the right thing
VisaJourney.com > General Family Based Immigration Topics > Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits
What country does your husband, his ex-wife and your step kids come from????? Knowing their culture might explain the reason your husband still feels he owes some assistance to his ex-wife. I am really looking for a reasonable explanation here. However, it is not right that she calls all the time as if she was still married to him. I believe she is crossing the line and poaching on your territory. However, she may feel that she has rights being the first wife/mother of his children to make demands on him.
As for the step kids, maybe they should go and live with their mother and have visitation rights with your husband.
As for the step kids, maybe they should go and live with their mother and have visitation rights with your husband.
I am the US citizen. My ex-husband is also a US citizen who is in laryngeal cancer remission after a total laryngectomy, chemo, & radiation. I have been married to my Jamaican husband for nearly 2 years now. To this day, I help my ex when he needs it. I make calls, type up things for him, research things, etc. We also discuss things relating to our daughter. I do this because I am a nice person, I don't hate him, and he needs some help. There is not other reason behind it. That being said, I think talking to his ex every single day for 20 minutes would be beyond my patience.
My kids are pre-teen and teen age and their taking over the living room, having some issues at times with basic common sense and etiquette, playing us against each other, and such seem to be the age they are in. I refuse to be the maid. We fight about it all the time; but we normally keep a united front against the kids.
You are not wrong in any of your feelings. How to work them out to your satisfaction is a fight you are going to have to figure out how to win.
I'm sorry. I really do feel for you.
My kids are pre-teen and teen age and their taking over the living room, having some issues at times with basic common sense and etiquette, playing us against each other, and such seem to be the age they are in. I refuse to be the maid. We fight about it all the time; but we normally keep a united front against the kids.
You are not wrong in any of your feelings. How to work them out to your satisfaction is a fight you are going to have to figure out how to win.
I'm sorry. I really do feel for you.
The family is from Colombia.
She lives in a room in a house with basically no Kitchen priveledges. As far as the calling and dependency YEah well if he allows it to contiue to happen then there is nothing more to do as long as he is johnny on the spot why would she think she needs to do it herself. This is part of the major argument. The dad was not in the kids lives for 7 years until they came to live with us this year. He had not even seen them until January of this year since 2001. And why would they want to live with MOm when dads lets them do whatever the heck they want............... This is a another trouble spot. See I raised my daughter by myself, she is now 18 and lives in Florida with my mom. And I was a strcit parent to an extent. So I see these kids doing things that I would NEVER had allowed my Daughter to do.
She lives in a room in a house with basically no Kitchen priveledges. As far as the calling and dependency YEah well if he allows it to contiue to happen then there is nothing more to do as long as he is johnny on the spot why would she think she needs to do it herself. This is part of the major argument. The dad was not in the kids lives for 7 years until they came to live with us this year. He had not even seen them until January of this year since 2001. And why would they want to live with MOm when dads lets them do whatever the heck they want............... This is a another trouble spot. See I raised my daughter by myself, she is now 18 and lives in Florida with my mom. And I was a strcit parent to an extent. So I see these kids doing things that I would NEVER had allowed my Daughter to do.
I too was curious about from what country they came, because indeed that could make a difference. I totally feel you though on getting upset about the situation, I really believe your husband should respect your feelings and limit those calls. I say, if it is about the kids, there shoul be no problem that they talk, but she is the ex for a reason and you are his wife now, there is no reason why he should still do all kinds of things with and for her.
Like I said, anything about the kids is a different story, but not everyday stuff she could easily do by herself or ask some other friends.
About the kids: I think you and your husband really need to sit down and discuss this. They are living in your household, you are the stepmother and there is no way they can take over and you have no say whatsoever.
You really ned to find a way how you both can raise the kids and your husband needs to accept that you absolutley should have the right to tell them when they misbehave or need to clean up after themselves.
Like I said, anything about the kids is a different story, but not everyday stuff she could easily do by herself or ask some other friends.
About the kids: I think you and your husband really need to sit down and discuss this. They are living in your household, you are the stepmother and there is no way they can take over and you have no say whatsoever.
You really ned to find a way how you both can raise the kids and your husband needs to accept that you absolutley should have the right to tell them when they misbehave or need to clean up after themselves.
QUOTE(cnfused @ May 16 2008, 01:58 PM) 
The family is from Colombia.
She lives in a room in a house with basically no Kitchen priveledges. As far as the calling and dependency YEah well if he allows it to contiue to happen then there is nothing more to do as long as he is johnny on the spot why would she think she needs to do it herself. This is part of the major argument. The dad was not in the kids lives for 7 years until they came to live with us this year. He had not even seen them until January of this year since 2001. And why would they want to live with MOm when dads lets them do whatever the heck they want............... This is a another trouble spot. See I raised my daughter by myself, she is now 18 and lives in Florida with my mom. And I was a strcit parent to an extent. So I see these kids doing things that I would NEVER had allowed my Daughter to do.
She lives in a room in a house with basically no Kitchen priveledges. As far as the calling and dependency YEah well if he allows it to contiue to happen then there is nothing more to do as long as he is johnny on the spot why would she think she needs to do it herself. This is part of the major argument. The dad was not in the kids lives for 7 years until they came to live with us this year. He had not even seen them until January of this year since 2001. And why would they want to live with MOm when dads lets them do whatever the heck they want............... This is a another trouble spot. See I raised my daughter by myself, she is now 18 and lives in Florida with my mom. And I was a strcit parent to an extent. So I see these kids doing things that I would NEVER had allowed my Daughter to do.
So, he's making up for the lost years by being overly agreeable with them? They will learn to really use that and turn into monsters even he can't handle. Sadly, that is something you have to experience to understand. He will learn.
Does he pay any kind of spousal support to her? Or was they money send child support?
QUOTE(cnfused @ May 16 2008, 02:58 PM)
The family is from Colombia.
She lives in a room in a house with basically no Kitchen priveledges. As far as the calling and dependency YEah well if he allows it to contiue to happen then there is nothing more to do as long as he is johnny on the spot why would she think she needs to do it herself. This is part of the major argument. The dad was not in the kids lives for 7 years until they came to live with us this year. He had not even seen them until January of this year since 2001. And why would they want to live with MOm when dads lets them do whatever the heck they want............... This is a another trouble spot. See I raised my daughter by myself, she is now 18 and lives in Florida with my mom. And I was a strcit parent to an extent. So I see these kids doing things that I would NEVER had allowed my Daughter to do.
She lives in a room in a house with basically no Kitchen priveledges. As far as the calling and dependency YEah well if he allows it to contiue to happen then there is nothing more to do as long as he is johnny on the spot why would she think she needs to do it herself. This is part of the major argument. The dad was not in the kids lives for 7 years until they came to live with us this year. He had not even seen them until January of this year since 2001. And why would they want to live with MOm when dads lets them do whatever the heck they want............... This is a another trouble spot. See I raised my daughter by myself, she is now 18 and lives in Florida with my mom. And I was a strcit parent to an extent. So I see these kids doing things that I would NEVER had allowed my Daughter to do.
This is a tough situation. You say he has not been in their lives for 7 years, yet you both made the decision along the way to bring them to live with you both. As a parental figure in the children's lives, you have every right to put down rules regarding everything from chores to etiquette for these children, assuming you and he are in agreement. Just because he is the father does not mean his children can do whatever they want and get away with everything in your house. I suggest sitting down with only him and talking it out. Come up with a list of what the children can and cannot do in the house.
As for the ex-qife, I would wonder what her intentions are for calling all the time and for coming to the U.S. (kids, your husband, etc). Maybe they are harmless - she is lonely and really needs help, but evrey 20 minutes is beyond excessive.
QUOTE(cnfused @ May 16 2008, 01:58 PM)
The family is from Colombia.
She lives in a room in a house with basically no Kitchen priveledges. As far as the calling and dependency YEah well if he allows it to contiue to happen then there is nothing more to do as long as he is johnny on the spot why would she think she needs to do it herself. This is part of the major argument. The dad was not in the kids lives for 7 years until they came to live with us this year. He had not even seen them until January of this year since 2001. And why would they want to live with MOm when dads lets them do whatever the heck they want............... This is a another trouble spot. See I raised my daughter by myself, she is now 18 and lives in Florida with my mom. And I was a strcit parent to an extent. So I see these kids doing things that I would NEVER had allowed my Daughter to do.
She lives in a room in a house with basically no Kitchen priveledges. As far as the calling and dependency YEah well if he allows it to contiue to happen then there is nothing more to do as long as he is johnny on the spot why would she think she needs to do it herself. This is part of the major argument. The dad was not in the kids lives for 7 years until they came to live with us this year. He had not even seen them until January of this year since 2001. And why would they want to live with MOm when dads lets them do whatever the heck they want............... This is a another trouble spot. See I raised my daughter by myself, she is now 18 and lives in Florida with my mom. And I was a strcit parent to an extent. So I see these kids doing things that I would NEVER had allowed my Daughter to do.
Oh ok, this explains a lot I think.
You definitley need to talk to him again so you can come to an agreement how to raise the kids. I am sure there is a lot of guilt on his part that he allows the kids everything, but he needs to understand that this won't work in the long run. On the other side, you will probably have to compromise as well and turn your levels of being strict down a few notches...at least until the situation calms down and everyone has settled in a little bit.
I am sure, your husband will get tired of his sassy kids after a while as well.
QUOTE(Jomo @ May 16 2008, 02:02 PM)
QUOTE(cnfused @ May 16 2008, 01:58 PM)
The family is from Colombia.
She lives in a room in a house with basically no Kitchen priveledges. As far as the calling and dependency YEah well if he allows it to contiue to happen then there is nothing more to do as long as he is johnny on the spot why would she think she needs to do it herself. This is part of the major argument. The dad was not in the kids lives for 7 years until they came to live with us this year. He had not even seen them until January of this year since 2001. And why would they want to live with MOm when dads lets them do whatever the heck they want............... This is a another trouble spot. See I raised my daughter by myself, she is now 18 and lives in Florida with my mom. And I was a strcit parent to an extent. So I see these kids doing things that I would NEVER had allowed my Daughter to do.
She lives in a room in a house with basically no Kitchen priveledges. As far as the calling and dependency YEah well if he allows it to contiue to happen then there is nothing more to do as long as he is johnny on the spot why would she think she needs to do it herself. This is part of the major argument. The dad was not in the kids lives for 7 years until they came to live with us this year. He had not even seen them until January of this year since 2001. And why would they want to live with MOm when dads lets them do whatever the heck they want............... This is a another trouble spot. See I raised my daughter by myself, she is now 18 and lives in Florida with my mom. And I was a strcit parent to an extent. So I see these kids doing things that I would NEVER had allowed my Daughter to do.
So, he's making up for the lost years by being overly agreeable with them? They will learn to really use that and turn into monsters even he can't handle. Sadly, that is something you have to experience to understand. He will learn.
Does he pay any kind of spousal support to her? Or was they money send child support?
My reasoning for asking this was if it was child support and that has stopped now that they no longer live with her, I can see her wanting to hang on by doing anything she can to encourage contact.
If the mom has only been in the country 2.5 months and knows few other people here, I can see where she might be scared and reach out to the only person(s) she really knows in the US.
The thing with this is I am torn. I think if possible and there is genuine need, he should help her. It means little except he is a kind person. However, 20 minutes a day every day is too much. I would be upset with that.
The kids thing....again 2.5 months is not all that much time to acclimate. It does take time to get everything down and running smoothly. But, you do have to have a united front or they will learn how to really take advantage of the fact that the two of you cannot agree on discipline.
I have tried so hard not to cry but in reading and rereading this I think that my sitation is dire. I have been a member of VJ since 9/07 with my other screen name, I know he reads the boards which is why I created this new user. One son is a teenager and the other is 11. He is a very laid back Colombian. Money that we sent to COlombia was for the kids school and to an extent to support the mom ( so she could be home with the kids ) however I laid down the law that when she comes here he will Support the kids and not the EX. He gives her nothing now that I know of but with him who knows now. We spoke about the kids or more like I spoke as I am very out spoken and do not hold my tongue very often even though these last months I have held it too much. Right now he is not even speaking to me. He usually calls me on his breaks and has not even done that. Last night we slept each with their own cover so as not to touch each other. I am always the one talking and he never pipes up what so ever to either defend himself or anything. His sisters tried to tell me the worst was yet to come when the kids came but I felt and still feel Love can conquer any things however this may be the thing it can not.
I have told him the kids will use him up and spit him out if he does not lay down the law. I did it to my dad so I know exactly what they are doing. I am in Spanish overload. I can barly sit down and watch the good tv ( the 40 incher ) cause the kids are always playing games or watching something. Does he not understand I am a gringa and I can only take so much tv in spanish before I hit the roof. He always watched tv in English with me and on Occasion ( not all the time ) we would watch something in Spanish. I speak spanish very fluently though.
I have told him the kids will use him up and spit him out if he does not lay down the law. I did it to my dad so I know exactly what they are doing. I am in Spanish overload. I can barly sit down and watch the good tv ( the 40 incher ) cause the kids are always playing games or watching something. Does he not understand I am a gringa and I can only take so much tv in spanish before I hit the roof. He always watched tv in English with me and on Occasion ( not all the time ) we would watch something in Spanish. I speak spanish very fluently though.
I understand need, we had a car that I ( was in my name and by no means a great car ) that I more than willingly gave to her for her to be able to work and pick up the kids on occasion , however the kids never want to go woth her cause why should they she lays down the law he does not. This is the car that after 2 months of being in my name I said that is it she needs to get it changed and this is where the insurance issue comes from, as far as the excuse she speaks no English well there are many companies that speak spanish and her fingers are not broken to call.
Forgot to add even though I did in another post he did not want her to work because whatever she would have made in her country would have just gone to child care and he preferred she stay home. This is hard for me as I am one independent woman and depend on no one. Yes parts of this are indeed my fault however with no support from him on the ex issue it is coming to a head...........
So, he's making up for the lost years by being overly agreeable with them? They will learn to really use that and turn into monsters even he can't handle. Sadly, that is something you have to experience to understand. He will learn.
Does he pay any kind of spousal support to her? Or was they money send child support?
My reasoning for asking this was if it was child support and that has stopped now that they no longer live with her, I can see her wanting to hang on by doing anything she can to encourage contact.
If the mom has only been in the country 2.5 months and knows few other people here, I can see where she might be scared and reach out to the only person(s) she really knows in the US.
The thing with this is I am torn. I think if possible and there is genuine need, he should help her. It means little except he is a kind person. However, 20 minutes a day every day is too much. I would be upset with that.
The kids thing....again 2.5 months is not all that much time to acclimate. It does take time to get everything down and running smoothly. But, you do have to have a united front or they will learn how to really take advantage of the fact that the two of you cannot agree on discipline.
Forgot to add even though I did in another post he did not want her to work because whatever she would have made in her country would have just gone to child care and he preferred she stay home. This is hard for me as I am one independent woman and depend on no one. Yes parts of this are indeed my fault however with no support from him on the ex issue it is coming to a head...........
QUOTE(Jomo @ May 16 2008, 03:18 PM)
QUOTE(Jomo @ May 16 2008, 02:02 PM)
QUOTE(cnfused @ May 16 2008, 01:58 PM)
The family is from Colombia.
She lives in a room in a house with basically no Kitchen priveledges. As far as the calling and dependency YEah well if he allows it to contiue to happen then there is nothing more to do as long as he is johnny on the spot why would she think she needs to do it herself. This is part of the major argument. The dad was not in the kids lives for 7 years until they came to live with us this year. He had not even seen them until January of this year since 2001. And why would they want to live with MOm when dads lets them do whatever the heck they want............... This is a another trouble spot. See I raised my daughter by myself, she is now 18 and lives in Florida with my mom. And I was a strcit parent to an extent. So I see these kids doing things that I would NEVER had allowed my Daughter to do.
She lives in a room in a house with basically no Kitchen priveledges. As far as the calling and dependency YEah well if he allows it to contiue to happen then there is nothing more to do as long as he is johnny on the spot why would she think she needs to do it herself. This is part of the major argument. The dad was not in the kids lives for 7 years until they came to live with us this year. He had not even seen them until January of this year since 2001. And why would they want to live with MOm when dads lets them do whatever the heck they want............... This is a another trouble spot. See I raised my daughter by myself, she is now 18 and lives in Florida with my mom. And I was a strcit parent to an extent. So I see these kids doing things that I would NEVER had allowed my Daughter to do.
So, he's making up for the lost years by being overly agreeable with them? They will learn to really use that and turn into monsters even he can't handle. Sadly, that is something you have to experience to understand. He will learn.
Does he pay any kind of spousal support to her? Or was they money send child support?
My reasoning for asking this was if it was child support and that has stopped now that they no longer live with her, I can see her wanting to hang on by doing anything she can to encourage contact.
If the mom has only been in the country 2.5 months and knows few other people here, I can see where she might be scared and reach out to the only person(s) she really knows in the US.
The thing with this is I am torn. I think if possible and there is genuine need, he should help her. It means little except he is a kind person. However, 20 minutes a day every day is too much. I would be upset with that.
The kids thing....again 2.5 months is not all that much time to acclimate. It does take time to get everything down and running smoothly. But, you do have to have a united front or they will learn how to really take advantage of the fact that the two of you cannot agree on discipline.
My guess is that you're not so much upset about the kids (they're just kids after all and you wouldn't have agreed to bring them over if you hadn't been willing to embrace those kids as your own).
The upsetting part is his "non-loyal" behavior he has been showing since the ex came into the picture. It can be upsetting if you feel that your husband is not rowing in the same direction as you are. It seems like you have brought the whole family over to your house, even though she obviously came to the US using a different path.
You need to make him understand how you feel about this whole situation. It is not the X who's causing trouble, it's your husband's lack of understanding for your feelings and needs. It is not acceptable to let anybody intrude in the privacy of your home and daily 20-min phone calls with an X are IMO a no-go as they make you feel insecure and in the back-seat of the car.
Talk with him in a calm way, tell him exactly what you think (without accusations or yelling ) and how you feel.Try to find out why he's trying to help her to this extended level and also ask him what he thinks your shared future should look like.Is he trying to help her only for a limited time until she has settled or is it going to be a certain lifestyle he wants to maintain.....these kind of questions.
Try to find out details about his point of view before you make any decisions, but also make sure that he knows exactly what is going on in your heart.
You should maybe also try to avoid mixing up two separated issues when talking with him about your problems- the kid's behavior and his behavior when it comes to the X.
Best of luck to you!
The upsetting part is his "non-loyal" behavior he has been showing since the ex came into the picture. It can be upsetting if you feel that your husband is not rowing in the same direction as you are. It seems like you have brought the whole family over to your house, even though she obviously came to the US using a different path.
You need to make him understand how you feel about this whole situation. It is not the X who's causing trouble, it's your husband's lack of understanding for your feelings and needs. It is not acceptable to let anybody intrude in the privacy of your home and daily 20-min phone calls with an X are IMO a no-go as they make you feel insecure and in the back-seat of the car.
Talk with him in a calm way, tell him exactly what you think (without accusations or yelling ) and how you feel.Try to find out why he's trying to help her to this extended level and also ask him what he thinks your shared future should look like.Is he trying to help her only for a limited time until she has settled or is it going to be a certain lifestyle he wants to maintain.....these kind of questions.
Try to find out details about his point of view before you make any decisions, but also make sure that he knows exactly what is going on in your heart.
You should maybe also try to avoid mixing up two separated issues when talking with him about your problems- the kid's behavior and his behavior when it comes to the X.
Best of luck to you!
QUOTE(cnfused @ May 16 2008, 02:19 PM)
I have tried so hard not to cry but in reading and rereading this I think that my sitation is dire. I have been a member of VJ since 9/07 with my other screen name, I know he reads the boards which is why I created this new user. One son is a teenager and the other is 11. He is a very laid back Colombian. Money that we sent to COlombia was for the kids school and to an extent to support the mom ( so she could be home with the kids ) however I laid down the law that when she comes here he will Support the kids and not the EX. He gives her nothing now that I know of but with him who knows now. We spoke about the kids or more like I spoke as I am very out spoken and do not hold my tongue very often even though these last months I have held it too much. Right now he is not even speaking to me. He usually calls me on his breaks and has not even done that. Last night we slept each with their own cover so as not to touch each other. I am always the one talking and he never pipes up what so ever to either defend himself or anything. His sisters tried to tell me the worst was yet to come when the kids came but I felt and still feel Love can conquer any things however this may be the thing it can not.
I have told him the kids will use him up and spit him out if he does not lay down the law. I did it to my dad so I know exactly what they are doing. I am in Spanish overload. I can barly sit down and watch the good tv ( the 40 incher ) cause the kids are always playing games or watching something. Does he not understand I am a gringa and I can only take so much tv in spanish before I hit the roof. He always watched tv in English with me and on Occasion ( not all the time ) we would watch something in Spanish. I speak spanish very fluently though.
I have told him the kids will use him up and spit him out if he does not lay down the law. I did it to my dad so I know exactly what they are doing. I am in Spanish overload. I can barly sit down and watch the good tv ( the 40 incher ) cause the kids are always playing games or watching something. Does he not understand I am a gringa and I can only take so much tv in spanish before I hit the roof. He always watched tv in English with me and on Occasion ( not all the time ) we would watch something in Spanish. I speak spanish very fluently though.
Oh, girl.....When hubby and I argue we do the same thing with the blankets and the usual phone calls. I do feel your pain.
The only way to work this out is to compromise on both of your parts. Sounds like right now, both of you are being stubborn and not determined to give an inch. Love can conquer a lot; but you both have to be willing to compromise for it.
I have been in a similar situation with my hubby's mother and her household back in Jamaica. She asked too much of me/him/us and it's been a real struggle in the past 2 years to come to an agreement on the issues we could both live with. We spent many arguments on the very subject.
You say she has only been in the US for 2.5 months, how did she come to the US ? on which visa or is she a USC? something just dont sound right, he has no contact with his kids for years and then all of a suden his ex and his kids move to the US and the kids now live with him and his ex is just living here? am I missing some vital but of information?
QUOTE(mnieto @ May 16 2008, 03:36 PM)
My guess is that you're not so much upset about the kids (they're just kids after all and you wouldn't have agreed to bring them over if you hadn't been willing to embrace those kids as your own).
The upsetting part is his "non-loyal" behavior he has been showing since the ex came into the picture. It can be upsetting if you feel that your husband is not rowing in the same direction as you are. It seems like you have brought the whole family over to your house, even though she obviously came to the US using a different path.
You need to make him understand how you feel about this whole situation. It is not the X who's causing trouble, it's your husband's lack of understanding for your feelings and needs. It is not acceptable to let anybody intrude in the privacy of your home and daily 20-min phone calls with an X are IMO a no-go as they make you feel insecure and in the back-seat of the car.
Talk with him in a calm way, tell him exactly what you think (without accusations or yelling ) and how you feel.Try to find out why he's trying to help her to this extended level and also ask him what he thinks your shared future should look like.Is he trying to help her only for a limited time until she has settled or is it going to be a certain lifestyle he wants to maintain.....these kind of questions.
Try to find out details about his point of view before you make any decisions, but also make sure that he knows exactly what is going on in your heart.
You should maybe also try to avoid mixing up two separated issues when talking with him about your problems- the kid's behavior and his behavior when it comes to the X.
Best of luck to you!
The upsetting part is his "non-loyal" behavior he has been showing since the ex came into the picture. It can be upsetting if you feel that your husband is not rowing in the same direction as you are. It seems like you have brought the whole family over to your house, even though she obviously came to the US using a different path.
You need to make him understand how you feel about this whole situation. It is not the X who's causing trouble, it's your husband's lack of understanding for your feelings and needs. It is not acceptable to let anybody intrude in the privacy of your home and daily 20-min phone calls with an X are IMO a no-go as they make you feel insecure and in the back-seat of the car.
Talk with him in a calm way, tell him exactly what you think (without accusations or yelling ) and how you feel.Try to find out why he's trying to help her to this extended level and also ask him what he thinks your shared future should look like.Is he trying to help her only for a limited time until she has settled or is it going to be a certain lifestyle he wants to maintain.....these kind of questions.
Try to find out details about his point of view before you make any decisions, but also make sure that he knows exactly what is going on in your heart.
You should maybe also try to avoid mixing up two separated issues when talking with him about your problems- the kid's behavior and his behavior when it comes to the X.
Best of luck to you!
I have asked in a calm rational manner and he nevers responds or responds as saying why I am jealous. I expalin it is not jealousy but a matter of respecting the person who he is married too. I know there is a big cultural issue at hand here. I am full blooded Irish and very independent where as he has always been the provider of the family, but hey now his check does not cut it and mine is almost 3 times what he makes. I have been witht he same comapny for 15 years. He just started leagally working last July. I know this addtional conversation will have to wait. And just an FYI I specifically asked that he ask the EX to pick up the kids for a few hours on Mothers day so we could have a few moments alone ( tired of having to muffel myself ) and what happened NOTHING> She did not even come by and when I bought it up he said that he forgot all about it. I am not saying I am beofr ethe kids but an even level works good not a second class person that is for sure. I will update as we will try and discuss this this weekend.
QUOTE(cnfused @ May 16 2008, 02:49 PM)
QUOTE(mnieto @ May 16 2008, 03:36 PM)
My guess is that you're not so much upset about the kids (they're just kids after all and you wouldn't have agreed to bring them over if you hadn't been willing to embrace those kids as your own).
The upsetting part is his "non-loyal" behavior he has been showing since the ex came into the picture. It can be upsetting if you feel that your husband is not rowing in the same direction as you are. It seems like you have brought the whole family over to your house, even though she obviously came to the US using a different path.
You need to make him understand how you feel about this whole situation. It is not the X who's causing trouble, it's your husband's lack of understanding for your feelings and needs. It is not acceptable to let anybody intrude in the privacy of your home and daily 20-min phone calls with an X are IMO a no-go as they make you feel insecure and in the back-seat of the car.
Talk with him in a calm way, tell him exactly what you think (without accusations or yelling ) and how you feel.Try to find out why he's trying to help her to this extended level and also ask him what he thinks your shared future should look like.Is he trying to help her only for a limited time until she has settled or is it going to be a certain lifestyle he wants to maintain.....these kind of questions.
Try to find out details about his point of view before you make any decisions, but also make sure that he knows exactly what is going on in your heart.
You should maybe also try to avoid mixing up two separated issues when talking with him about your problems- the kid's behavior and his behavior when it comes to the X.
Best of luck to you!
The upsetting part is his "non-loyal" behavior he has been showing since the ex came into the picture. It can be upsetting if you feel that your husband is not rowing in the same direction as you are. It seems like you have brought the whole family over to your house, even though she obviously came to the US using a different path.
You need to make him understand how you feel about this whole situation. It is not the X who's causing trouble, it's your husband's lack of understanding for your feelings and needs. It is not acceptable to let anybody intrude in the privacy of your home and daily 20-min phone calls with an X are IMO a no-go as they make you feel insecure and in the back-seat of the car.
Talk with him in a calm way, tell him exactly what you think (without accusations or yelling ) and how you feel.Try to find out why he's trying to help her to this extended level and also ask him what he thinks your shared future should look like.Is he trying to help her only for a limited time until she has settled or is it going to be a certain lifestyle he wants to maintain.....these kind of questions.
Try to find out details about his point of view before you make any decisions, but also make sure that he knows exactly what is going on in your heart.
You should maybe also try to avoid mixing up two separated issues when talking with him about your problems- the kid's behavior and his behavior when it comes to the X.
Best of luck to you!
I have asked in a calm rational manner and he nevers responds or responds as saying why I am jealous. I expalin it is not jealousy but a matter of respecting the person who he is married too. I know there is a big cultural issue at hand here. I am full blooded Irish and very independent where as he has always been the provider of the family, but hey now his check does not cut it and mine is almost 3 times what he makes. I have been witht he same comapny for 15 years. He just started leagally working last July. I know this addtional conversation will have to wait. And just an FYI I specifically asked that he ask the EX to pick up the kids for a few hours on Mothers day so we could have a few moments alone ( tired of having to muffel myself ) and what happened NOTHING> She did not even come by and when I bought it up he said that he forgot all about it. I am not saying I am beofr ethe kids but an even level works good not a second class person that is for sure. I will update as we will try and discuss this this weekend.
IMO you have rights you are going to have to stick up for.
I wish you luck.
QUOTE(Kez/JWolf @ May 16 2008, 03:45 PM)
You say she has only been in the US for 2.5 months, how did she come to the US ? on which visa or is she a USC? something just dont sound right, he has no contact with his kids for years and then all of a suden his ex and his kids move to the US and the kids now live with him and his ex is just living here? am I missing some vital but of information?
You do not know the half of it so here goes.
I married my husband in April 2007 applied in May 2007 he had his LPR by Septemember 2007
She ( the Ex ) met an married a USC in 2004 her CR1 Visa ( now IR ) came through Last year in March ( did not get into the details of why it took so long ). At the time the person she married did not have the sponsoship to bring the kids. I met my husband in Sept of 2006 so I knew about this part but I was more than willing once I got married to him to bring the kids ( the 864 is not an issue for me ). She came for good in Dec 2007 and however she is no longer with the USC ( yeah a little fishy to me too ) but any who I was gung ho about getting my husband back together with his kids and understood they would live with us supposedly a month, well the month came and went and here we are. I was extremly adament to the fact that he would not be her support ( he can barely support himself ) when she arrived her last year. I brought to his attention the fact that for the last year until she arrived he never spoke to her as much as he does now and the kids are not even with her. so WTF. She has a bad day becasue of the shock of having to work for a living and sends hin lenghty text messages, I tell him that it is his resposibilty to lether this is not wanted from her. However some of the times he is the one initiating the call. So I guess I might be being taken for a ride? I donot know as I have stated to hin that if he does not want to be with me let me know and I willmore than happliy make sure not to contest when he and the kids lift conditions as we have many things co mingled.
he has another son out of wedlock but he turned 18 a month before we married so now he is applying for that child and it will take 5-6 years.
QUOTE(cnfused @ May 16 2008, 04:04 PM)
QUOTE(Kez/JWolf @ May 16 2008, 03:45 PM)
You say she has only been in the US for 2.5 months, how did she come to the US ? on which visa or is she a USC? something just dont sound right, he has no contact with his kids for years and then all of a suden his ex and his kids move to the US and the kids now live with him and his ex is just living here? am I missing some vital but of information?
You do not know the half of it so here goes.
I married my husband in April 2007 applied in May 2007 he had his LPR by Septemember 2007
She ( the Ex ) met an married a USC in 2004 her CR1 Visa ( now IR ) came through Last year in March ( did not get into the details of why it took so long ). At the time the person she married did not have the sponsoship to bring the kids. I met my husband in Sept of 2006 so I knew about this part but I was more than willing once I got married to him to bring the kids ( the 864 is not an issue for me ). She came for good in Dec 2007 and however she is no longer with the USC ( yeah a little fishy to me too ) but any who I was gung ho about getting my husband back together with his kids and understood they would live with us supposedly a month, well the month came and went and here we are. I was extremly adament to the fact that he would not be her support ( he can barely support himself ) when she arrived her last year. I brought to his attention the fact that for the last year until she arrived he never spoke to her as much as he does now and the kids are not even with her. so WTF. She has a bad day becasue of the shock of having to work for a living and sends hin lenghty text messages, I tell him that it is his resposibilty to lether this is not wanted from her. However some of the times he is the one initiating the call. So I guess I might be being taken for a ride? I donot know as I have stated to hin that if he does not want to be with me let me know and I willmore than happliy make sure not to contest when he and the kids lift conditions as we have many things co mingled.
he has another son out of wedlock but he turned 18 a month before we married so now he is applying for that child and it will take 5-6 years.
Wow what a situation. You need to protect yourself and your home just in case. it does seem a bit odd that his entire family are now in the US and he appears to want to focus on his ex more than on you, but I could be totally wrong here, I hope so.
Good Luck
I agree with K/W....protect yourself at all costs.
I would be very cautious if I were you. There are a lot of ends I would have to tie up before I was secure in this situation.
Please be careful.
I would be very cautious if I were you. There are a lot of ends I would have to tie up before I was secure in this situation.
Please be careful.
I don't think he wants to face this because he doesn't understand how you are feeling. He thinks it is jealousy, but it is much deeper than that. You try to talk to him, he doesn't respond. Not good.
I can't say I have an answer for you, sorry. But I guess if it was me I would sit him down and calmly ask him "Which is more important to you, me or your ex. Because what I am seeing is that you respect her more. If this continues you can have her because I will NEVER be second to your ex".
I wouldn't wait for a response, he is not going to give one anyway, I would just walk away and give this some time to mull.
Maybe I am too harsh and lack understanding, but I should never have to settle for being second in my husbands eyes.
I can't say I have an answer for you, sorry. But I guess if it was me I would sit him down and calmly ask him "Which is more important to you, me or your ex. Because what I am seeing is that you respect her more. If this continues you can have her because I will NEVER be second to your ex".
I wouldn't wait for a response, he is not going to give one anyway, I would just walk away and give this some time to mull.
Maybe I am too harsh and lack understanding, but I should never have to settle for being second in my husbands eyes.
Thanks Kez?JWolf, hoping you yourself are doing ok. Yeah I kinda wonder that myself but a lot of my other stuff in in My daughters name as I worked mainly for her for forever until I met my currect husband.
QUOTE(morocco4ever @ May 16 2008, 04:16 PM)
I don't think he wants to face this because he doesn't understand how you are feeling. He thinks it is jealousy, but it is much deeper than that. You try to talk to him, he doesn't respond. Not good.
I can't say I have an answer for you, sorry. But I guess if it was me I would sit him down and calmly ask him "Which is more important to you, me or your ex. Because what I am seeing is that you respect her more. If this continues you can have her because I will NEVER be second to your ex".
I wouldn't wait for a response, he is not going to give one anyway, I would just walk away and give this some time to mull.
Maybe I am too harsh and lack understanding, but I should never have to settle for being second in my husbands eyes.
I can't say I have an answer for you, sorry. But I guess if it was me I would sit him down and calmly ask him "Which is more important to you, me or your ex. Because what I am seeing is that you respect her more. If this continues you can have her because I will NEVER be second to your ex".
I wouldn't wait for a response, he is not going to give one anyway, I would just walk away and give this some time to mull.
Maybe I am too harsh and lack understanding, but I should never have to settle for being second in my husbands eyes.
The scary part here is I gave up my life in Florida and mover to the notheast to live with him. I will wait I guess until Sunday when we have both had some time to cool off, however I am the same very HARD and if and when I say that is it then that is it. I am trying with all my heart not to get to this point but me thinks it is here. Thanks so much for the words. As far as not giving a response I think sherlock you have hit the nail on the head. I will keep the board updated.
I wish I could give you a big hug. This could either be a big eye opener for him or a major turn in your life. But for whatever reasons this is happening I hope this will only be a small blip, and that you can move onto whatever life God has in store for you, be it with him or without. You sound like a strong woman, I am confident you will come out a winner.
QUOTE(morocco4ever @ May 16 2008, 03:16 PM)
I don't think he wants to face this because he doesn't understand how you are feeling. He thinks it is jealousy, but it is much deeper than that. You try to talk to him, he doesn't respond. Not good.
I can't say I have an answer for you, sorry. But I guess if it was me I would sit him down and calmly ask him "Which is more important to you, me or your ex. Because what I am seeing is that you respect her more. If this continues you can have her because I will NEVER be second to your ex".
I wouldn't wait for a response, he is not going to give one anyway, I would just walk away and give this some time to mull.
Maybe I am too harsh and lack understanding, but I should never have to settle for being second in my husbands eyes.
I can't say I have an answer for you, sorry. But I guess if it was me I would sit him down and calmly ask him "Which is more important to you, me or your ex. Because what I am seeing is that you respect her more. If this continues you can have her because I will NEVER be second to your ex".
I wouldn't wait for a response, he is not going to give one anyway, I would just walk away and give this some time to mull.
Maybe I am too harsh and lack understanding, but I should never have to settle for being second in my husbands eyes.
This is the hard part....sticking to your guns. I've had to say to my husband, if you continue to let your mother try and manipulate you, and in turn, us, this is not going to work. If you want to go back, go back. If you want to stay, then we have to be more concerned about us then anyone else. It was a hard thing for me to say...yet, sticking to my guns was the only way I proved to him I wasn't going to put up with that kind of stuff. I have been called harsh in the past for some of my stances. In the end, it was the right thing to do. If I let someone take advantage of me, they will.
QUOTE(morocco4ever @ May 16 2008, 03:25 PM)
I wish I could give you a big hug. This could either be a big eye opener for him or a major turn in your life. But for whatever reasons this is happening I hope this will only be a small blip, and that you can move onto whatever life God has in store for you, be it with him or without. You sound like a strong woman, I am confident you will come out a winner.
I second this!
On the side of the ex, while she is no longer his responsibility, I can understand the fact she calls him all the time, because he's the only person she seems to have here. Again, they have known each other a lot longer than you two have known each other and they probably are friends even though they have both moved on.
While it's not your problem, she must be finding it hard and is reaching out to your husband to help her adjust, I think her motives are probably more hanging onto someone she knows in a foreign place rather than anything more sinister.
What about the contact makes you uncomfortable?
Is it that you merely feel it's inappropriate or that you feel there is or could be something going on?
As for the issues on the kids, I believe you MUST stand firm.
As for them watching stuff on TV or playing games, I would get a small TV for their rooms, they can play and watch whatever they want to on that. It's not acceptable for you to feel like a hostage in your own house.
You need to have a LONG talk with your husband and basically decide what you both agree is a compromise on disciplining the kids.
I don;'t know how long he actually lived with them, but it may be that he just doesn't understand he needs to ensure they are disciplined properly or suffer the consequences.
He is probably just so happy to have them with him after years missing them that he can't bring himself to be tough.
While it's not your problem, she must be finding it hard and is reaching out to your husband to help her adjust, I think her motives are probably more hanging onto someone she knows in a foreign place rather than anything more sinister.
What about the contact makes you uncomfortable?
Is it that you merely feel it's inappropriate or that you feel there is or could be something going on?
As for the issues on the kids, I believe you MUST stand firm.
As for them watching stuff on TV or playing games, I would get a small TV for their rooms, they can play and watch whatever they want to on that. It's not acceptable for you to feel like a hostage in your own house.
You need to have a LONG talk with your husband and basically decide what you both agree is a compromise on disciplining the kids.
I don;'t know how long he actually lived with them, but it may be that he just doesn't understand he needs to ensure they are disciplined properly or suffer the consequences.
He is probably just so happy to have them with him after years missing them that he can't bring himself to be tough.
Cnfused,
I am soo sorry to hear about your situation ..As you know , my children are about to come too and live here with me and my husband .My children are about the same ages as your husband ...so they are big children ..
I i will never allow them to disrespect the man that i marry ...the men that gladly accepted my children ( just like you did ).
It looks like the father is out of control and he doesnt know how to handle his children ....and i am not surprised ...because it is not easy to suddenly become a parent ..
I think your husband doesnt realise that you DONT have to put up with all the disrespect that he puts you through...you dont deserve that..
He forgot completely about your feelings ..Do not allow to treat you this way..I am sorry but his behavior raises lots of red flags.
I dont think that he should be responsible for his ex wife.... chating for 20 minutes ..its just encouraging that.
The only way to solve this problem is to have a serious and open discussion with your husband ...just the two of you ...tell him how you feel about all this ..if he really cares about you ..you will know it, because he will do something about it.....Do not let this grow even bigger ...
I wonder if the mother is so concern about the children ..then why doesnt she takes them to live with her??
All the best and good luck to you
Big hug for you ..
Amalitta
I am soo sorry to hear about your situation ..As you know , my children are about to come too and live here with me and my husband .My children are about the same ages as your husband ...so they are big children ..
I i will never allow them to disrespect the man that i marry ...the men that gladly accepted my children ( just like you did ).
It looks like the father is out of control and he doesnt know how to handle his children ....and i am not surprised ...because it is not easy to suddenly become a parent ..
I think your husband doesnt realise that you DONT have to put up with all the disrespect that he puts you through...you dont deserve that..
He forgot completely about your feelings ..Do not allow to treat you this way..I am sorry but his behavior raises lots of red flags.
I dont think that he should be responsible for his ex wife.... chating for 20 minutes ..its just encouraging that.
The only way to solve this problem is to have a serious and open discussion with your husband ...just the two of you ...tell him how you feel about all this ..if he really cares about you ..you will know it, because he will do something about it.....Do not let this grow even bigger ...
I wonder if the mother is so concern about the children ..then why doesnt she takes them to live with her??
All the best and good luck to you
Big hug for you ..
Amalitta
[quote name='JaEnglishGirl' date='May 16 2008, 08:35 PM' post='1848441']
On the side of the ex, while she is no longer his responsibility, I can understand the fact she calls him all the time, because he's the only person she seems to have here. Again, they have known each other a lot longer than you two have known each other and they probably are friends even though they have both moved on.
While it's not your problem, she must be finding it hard and is reaching out to your husband to help her adjust, I think her motives are probably more hanging onto someone she knows in a foreign place rather than anything more sinister.
What about the contact makes you uncomfortable?
Is it that you merely feel it's inappropriate or that you feel there is or could be something going on?
hmm well had my discussion last night, do not feel it really went anywhere. I am trying to be understanding of the fact that yes she has never had to lift a finger in her life and now depends on these phone calls all the time to MY HUSBAND. Is there something there, I would think not however if he continues to do everything how will she be independent? will I have this thorn in my side for the next say 20 years if we even last the next year ) ? The conversation did not go very well, I explained to him that since his kids have come he has not invited me into that life. He stated he feels he owes the EX cause she raised the kids ( raised with his money ) well honey welcome to life. Many of us have had to stand on our own 2 feet without the help of being able to make that phone call. Life is not easy that is for sure. I could go on and on as I raised my Daughter all by Myself for the last 16 years but the point he is always bringing up is everyone is not like me, well I was insecure in the begining but hey I learned how to survive for my daughter.
I expalin that it is not that I am jealous, I am pretty secure in myself and luckly I do not have to nor have I ever depended on anyone for anything even now. I do depend on him for emotional support that seems to lack at some junction in our life. Not sure what I am going to do. We have a few accumulated debts ( well really his ) that we need to get over with and then I will have to make my choice depending on how he chooses to live with me the next few months. I am protected as only a few things have him listed.
Here is a man who has always been the sole support of his family for many years and then he hooks up with this hot blooded Irish independent woman and I think this affects him cause he knows without the check I bring his whole living situation will be different.
Thanks for the hugs guys I feel them and appreciate them very much. Hopefully this saga plays out quickly one way or the other.
Just FYI the hardest and I mean hardest part of this failing is the fact for for all my daughters life I never felt strong enough about anyone to introduce them to her ( I had a few male freinds along the way ) and he was the one the I did. It upsets me becasue I have always strived to live my life in such a manner that my daughters life will be brighter. And to show her that you can make it no matter what, hopefully this does not turn into a case of this type of example.
On the side of the ex, while she is no longer his responsibility, I can understand the fact she calls him all the time, because he's the only person she seems to have here. Again, they have known each other a lot longer than you two have known each other and they probably are friends even though they have both moved on.
While it's not your problem, she must be finding it hard and is reaching out to your husband to help her adjust, I think her motives are probably more hanging onto someone she knows in a foreign place rather than anything more sinister.
What about the contact makes you uncomfortable?
Is it that you merely feel it's inappropriate or that you feel there is or could be something going on?
hmm well had my discussion last night, do not feel it really went anywhere. I am trying to be understanding of the fact that yes she has never had to lift a finger in her life and now depends on these phone calls all the time to MY HUSBAND. Is there something there, I would think not however if he continues to do everything how will she be independent? will I have this thorn in my side for the next say 20 years if we even last the next year ) ? The conversation did not go very well, I explained to him that since his kids have come he has not invited me into that life. He stated he feels he owes the EX cause she raised the kids ( raised with his money ) well honey welcome to life. Many of us have had to stand on our own 2 feet without the help of being able to make that phone call. Life is not easy that is for sure. I could go on and on as I raised my Daughter all by Myself for the last 16 years but the point he is always bringing up is everyone is not like me, well I was insecure in the begining but hey I learned how to survive for my daughter.
I expalin that it is not that I am jealous, I am pretty secure in myself and luckly I do not have to nor have I ever depended on anyone for anything even now. I do depend on him for emotional support that seems to lack at some junction in our life. Not sure what I am going to do. We have a few accumulated debts ( well really his ) that we need to get over with and then I will have to make my choice depending on how he chooses to live with me the next few months. I am protected as only a few things have him listed.
Here is a man who has always been the sole support of his family for many years and then he hooks up with this hot blooded Irish independent woman and I think this affects him cause he knows without the check I bring his whole living situation will be different.
Thanks for the hugs guys I feel them and appreciate them very much. Hopefully this saga plays out quickly one way or the other.
Just FYI the hardest and I mean hardest part of this failing is the fact for for all my daughters life I never felt strong enough about anyone to introduce them to her ( I had a few male freinds along the way ) and he was the one the I did. It upsets me becasue I have always strived to live my life in such a manner that my daughters life will be brighter. And to show her that you can make it no matter what, hopefully this does not turn into a case of this type of example.
You write:
"He stated he feels he owes the EX cause she raised the kids ( raised with his money ) well honey welcome to life. . . .
Here is a man who has always been the sole support of his family for many years and then he hooks up with this hot blooded Irish independent woman and I think this affects him cause he knows without the check I bring his whole living situation will be different."
Well cnfused, the fact of the matter is, your husband and his ex at one point made a JOINT decision for her to raise the kids while he was the breadwinner-- and presumably he agreed to have that situation continue after they split. You and I may not like the decision but that's a choice a lot of couples make. Even if it was HIS money that was used to raise the kids, it was THEIR decision for her to raise them and presumably your husband got something out of the deal as well (the peace of mind that his children were with their mom, for example). And his ex invested HER time and energy in raising the kids, probably at the expense of her professional development. From what little experience I have taking care of kids, I don't think that's something to underestimate. I understand your unhappiness about the situation, but the reality is that your husband comes with a past that he cannot simply undo.
It may be time (or past time) for your husband's ex to learn how to stand on her own feet, especially because the children no longer live with her. But it's not so hard to imagine that she doesn't know where to begin, in a new country, after years of financially depending on someone else. I guess you could say that by extending that situation it only gets worse. It's a tough situation and I hope for the sake of all of you that your husband and his ex find a way out of it.
I would say the situation of your husband and his ex is a big warning for couples who have the luxury of having the option for one of them to be a stay-at-home parent, but that's another story.
"He stated he feels he owes the EX cause she raised the kids ( raised with his money ) well honey welcome to life. . . .
Here is a man who has always been the sole support of his family for many years and then he hooks up with this hot blooded Irish independent woman and I think this affects him cause he knows without the check I bring his whole living situation will be different."
Well cnfused, the fact of the matter is, your husband and his ex at one point made a JOINT decision for her to raise the kids while he was the breadwinner-- and presumably he agreed to have that situation continue after they split. You and I may not like the decision but that's a choice a lot of couples make. Even if it was HIS money that was used to raise the kids, it was THEIR decision for her to raise them and presumably your husband got something out of the deal as well (the peace of mind that his children were with their mom, for example). And his ex invested HER time and energy in raising the kids, probably at the expense of her professional development. From what little experience I have taking care of kids, I don't think that's something to underestimate. I understand your unhappiness about the situation, but the reality is that your husband comes with a past that he cannot simply undo.
It may be time (or past time) for your husband's ex to learn how to stand on her own feet, especially because the children no longer live with her. But it's not so hard to imagine that she doesn't know where to begin, in a new country, after years of financially depending on someone else. I guess you could say that by extending that situation it only gets worse. It's a tough situation and I hope for the sake of all of you that your husband and his ex find a way out of it.
I would say the situation of your husband and his ex is a big warning for couples who have the luxury of having the option for one of them to be a stay-at-home parent, but that's another story.
On re-reading my post it seems a bit harsh, sorry. You didn't ask to be in this situation and I can certainly relate to your frustration. I hope you'll be able to work things out with your husband and his children and I'm wishing you the best and give you a virtual hug.
QUOTE(carpe diem @ May 19 2008, 10:06 AM)
On re-reading my post it seems a bit harsh, sorry. You didn't ask to be in this situation and I can certainly relate to your frustration. I hope you'll be able to work things out with your husband and his children and I'm wishing you the best and give you a virtual hug.
No worries I did not take it in any ill way. I put myself out here and hope for some light to be shed and it is coming. I do understand your point, it is however difficult to adjust in this relationship. The hardest thing is my husband is pretty closed and had he maybe been a little clearer ( even Now ) some of these feelings would not have come to the point they have. This is something he and he only can change if and when he chooses to , where as I on the other hand am very vocal on any and every thing. Thanks for your point of view also.
But see there are steps she can take ( the EX ) that have not happened and I feel by him contining to be johnny on the spot they never will. she has been here five months and has not even taken an English class? I have spoken to her to an extent and say take the class all it can do is help you in the long run, but I guess she is so Timid it scares her? Have no clue but she needs to get off the pot cause she has sat there for a while and if he does not put his foot down to an extent then she never will.
Would your husband be open to counseling? Perhaps hearing some of the concerns you have addressed from another person might make it clearer to him why his behaviour is causing you difficulties. Perhaps you can negotiate with him - recognize that his ex is a 'stranger in a strange land' for now, and set a 'time limit' on how long he can help her establish herself in the US - ie, she has to become self-sufficient within x number of months and he stops helping her after that. Perhaps if you are willing to allow him to help her with the understanding that after that time she has to be helping herself he will be more considerate of your position.
What is the ex's means of support? How come she is here and on her own? Did you say she had married an American and then decided it didn't work out and left him when she arrived? If her ex hadn't been so handy, do you think she would have stayed with her new husband and tried to make it work? He should be the one supporting her and helping her out now, not your husband. What would she be doing if he wasn't around?
A threesome in a marriage is never healthy - that is what you husband has to come to see and that is why I wonder if counseling would help. Good luck.
What is the ex's means of support? How come she is here and on her own? Did you say she had married an American and then decided it didn't work out and left him when she arrived? If her ex hadn't been so handy, do you think she would have stayed with her new husband and tried to make it work? He should be the one supporting her and helping her out now, not your husband. What would she be doing if he wasn't around?
A threesome in a marriage is never healthy - that is what you husband has to come to see and that is why I wonder if counseling would help. Good luck.
QUOTE(cnfused @ May 19 2008, 11:29 AM)
QUOTE(carpe diem @ May 19 2008, 10:06 AM)
On re-reading my post it seems a bit harsh, sorry. You didn't ask to be in this situation and I can certainly relate to your frustration. I hope you'll be able to work things out with your husband and his children and I'm wishing you the best and give you a virtual hug.
No worries I did not take it in any ill way. I put myself out here and hope for some light to be shed and it is coming. I do understand your point, it is however difficult to adjust in this relationship. The hardest thing is my husband is pretty closed and had he maybe been a little clearer ( even Now ) some of these feelings would not have come to the point they have. This is something he and he only can change if and when he chooses to , where as I on the other hand am very vocal on any and every thing. Thanks for your point of view also.
But see there are steps she can take ( the EX ) that have not happened and I feel by him contining to be johnny on the spot they never will. she has been here five months and has not even taken an English class? I have spoken to her to an extent and say take the class all it can do is help you in the long run, but I guess she is so Timid it scares her? Have no clue but she needs to get off the pot cause she has sat there for a while and if he does not put his foot down to an extent then she never will.
While I can see how having an ex-wife in your daily lives isn't the ldyllic marriage situation, surely having married a man who has children with this woman, you should have expected that there would be occasions when she would be present in your daily lives. Sometimes I think people that are in second marriages forget that the new spouse, and the step-children, have a right to a life with both parents involved. The fact that your husband is willing to participate and help his ex-wife can be viewed as a positive and not only as a negative. Are you sure it isn't perhaps a sense of insecurity on your part that is fueling your concerns?
QUOTE(diadromous mermaid @ May 19 2008, 07:43 PM)
QUOTE(cnfused @ May 19 2008, 11:29 AM)
QUOTE(carpe diem @ May 19 2008, 10:06 AM)
On re-reading my post it seems a bit harsh, sorry. You didn't ask to be in this situation and I can certainly relate to your frustration. I hope you'll be able to work things out with your husband and his children and I'm wishing you the best and give you a virtual hug.
No worries I did not take it in any ill way. I put myself out here and hope for some light to be shed and it is coming. I do understand your point, it is however difficult to adjust in this relationship. The hardest thing is my husband is pretty closed and had he maybe been a little clearer ( even Now ) some of these feelings would not have come to the point they have. This is something he and he only can change if and when he chooses to , where as I on the other hand am very vocal on any and every thing. Thanks for your point of view also.
But see there are steps she can take ( the EX ) that have not happened and I feel by him contining to be johnny on the spot they never will. she has been here five months and has not even taken an English class? I have spoken to her to an extent and say take the class all it can do is help you in the long run, but I guess she is so Timid it scares her? Have no clue but she needs to get off the pot cause she has sat there for a while and if he does not put his foot down to an extent then she never will.
While I can see how having an ex-wife in your daily lives isn't the ldyllic marriage situation, surely having married a man who has children with this woman, you should have expected that there would be occasions when she would be present in your daily lives. Sometimes I think people that are in second marriages forget that the new spouse, and the step-children, have a right to a life with both parents involved. The fact that your husband is willing to participate and help his ex-wife can be viewed as a positive and not only as a negative. Are you sure it isn't perhaps a sense of insecurity on your part that is fueling your concerns?
Very and extremly insightful the information I have gotten. I understood marrying a man with kids came with a package however I did not think the package would be SO BIG!! Now I have to try and change things inside myself as far as comments I make to myself out load and see how I can fix this broken piece of my marriage and life. This will be a rough road however with the help of here and within myself I feel I should be OK.
diadromous yes may there is insecurity there and I do not know how to handle it either as this is the first time in my life I have made a commitment outside of just raising my daughter. Hopefully we can work this out and go forward and not back.
Maybe one way to think about it is that this is an adjustment for everyone-- for your husband, his children, his ex, but also for you. Don't expect everything to just fall into place. It's going to require hard work from everybody and there's no reason to put up with laziness, rude behavior or excuses, but do try to give it time and cut yourself and each other some slack. Also it's easy to ascribe good intentions to yourself and bad ones to others, but often giving others the benefit of doubt is more productive, as people also respond to their environment and the expectations and judgments they sense others place on them. Now if only I could apply these insights consistently to my own dealings with other people... 
QUOTE(diadromous mermaid @ May 19 2008, 06:43 PM)
QUOTE(cnfused @ May 19 2008, 11:29 AM)
QUOTE(carpe diem @ May 19 2008, 10:06 AM)
On re-reading my post it seems a bit harsh, sorry. You didn't ask to be in this situation and I can certainly relate to your frustration. I hope you'll be able to work things out with your husband and his children and I'm wishing you the best and give you a virtual hug.
No worries I did not take it in any ill way. I put myself out here and hope for some light to be shed and it is coming. I do understand your point, it is however difficult to adjust in this relationship. The hardest thing is my husband is pretty closed and had he maybe been a little clearer ( even Now ) some of these feelings would not have come to the point they have. This is something he and he only can change if and when he chooses to , where as I on the other hand am very vocal on any and every thing. Thanks for your point of view also.
But see there are steps she can take ( the EX ) that have not happened and I feel by him contining to be johnny on the spot they never will. she has been here five months and has not even taken an English class? I have spoken to her to an extent and say take the class all it can do is help you in the long run, but I guess she is so Timid it scares her? Have no clue but she needs to get off the pot cause she has sat there for a while and if he does not put his foot down to an extent then she never will.
While I can see how having an ex-wife in your daily lives isn't the ldyllic marriage situation, surely having married a man who has children with this woman, you should have expected that there would be occasions when she would be present in your daily lives. Sometimes I think people that are in second marriages forget that the new spouse, and the step-children, have a right to a life with both parents involved. The fact that your husband is willing to participate and help his ex-wife can be viewed as a positive and not only as a negative. Are you sure it isn't perhaps a sense of insecurity on your part that is fueling your concerns?
While I agree with this somewhat, every single day is too much. Come on now. That's just rude and clingy behavior from the ex. I am an ex myself and I have a great relationship with him. While I talk to him weekly, sometimes more then once, it is short and to the point. He's not my best buddy or anything.
I don't feel it is insecurity to question these daily gab sessions. It is disrespectful to the current wife.
Ok, so maybe I am way off base but if his ex-wife has never been to the USA before, then it could be a simple matter of a comfort zone. That does NOT mean she wants him back.
I kind of understand the calling (though not every 20 mins) to ask for help.
My ex-husband and I broke up over 6 years ago, and there are STILL times when I have called him to ask questions on how to do this or that. *I* am the one that broke it off with my ex, I never want to live with him, but before I was divorced I had always been a stay at home mom. I had never had to have a job before. When I knew I wanted a divorce I went out and got a job, but I still did not know how to do a lot of things. I ended up calling my ex a lot to ask questions about where do I get the oil changed at? my car wont start, what could be wrong? my computer is messing up, what can I do? stuff like that.
I called him because I did not know who else to call. We were living in an area we had only moved to recently and I was scared and feeling all alone and did not know who else to turn to for help. I would have LOVED to call on anyone but my ex, but I just didnt know who to turn to.
Now that I have Mark, I can ask him things, however, when my car broke down, I asked my ex what to do because Mark has never driven a car before. I love Mark beyond words, but how could he help me about a car problem if he hasnt had to deal with a car before?
So, maybe you can try to be understanding with his ex. I doubt that she wants to be back with him, she more than likely just doesnt know who else to talk to or ask and is worried.
As for the children... it can be very hard adjusting to life in another country, you and your husband need to get on the same page. A good way to do that would be to sit down when you are both calm and in a good mood and make a list of house rules. Make sure you both agree to the house rules (no throwing clothes on the floor, etc). After the house rules are made, think of how you will inforce them, and both of you have to agree to this. For instance, my son has to fold the laundry, if he forgets he loses tv for the day. If my daughter forgets to clean the kitchen she ends up loses the computer for a day. Basically I look for what they like the most and take that away for the day. Once you and your husband come up with the house rules, you should call a family meeting and BOTH you and your husband should explain the house rules and what will happen if they do not follow them. This way, you are not reacting in the moment and the kids know what to expect and your husband will have no choice but to support you since he helped agree to the rules as well.
Good luck!
I kind of understand the calling (though not every 20 mins) to ask for help.
My ex-husband and I broke up over 6 years ago, and there are STILL times when I have called him to ask questions on how to do this or that. *I* am the one that broke it off with my ex, I never want to live with him, but before I was divorced I had always been a stay at home mom. I had never had to have a job before. When I knew I wanted a divorce I went out and got a job, but I still did not know how to do a lot of things. I ended up calling my ex a lot to ask questions about where do I get the oil changed at? my car wont start, what could be wrong? my computer is messing up, what can I do? stuff like that.
I called him because I did not know who else to call. We were living in an area we had only moved to recently and I was scared and feeling all alone and did not know who else to turn to for help. I would have LOVED to call on anyone but my ex, but I just didnt know who to turn to.
Now that I have Mark, I can ask him things, however, when my car broke down, I asked my ex what to do because Mark has never driven a car before. I love Mark beyond words, but how could he help me about a car problem if he hasnt had to deal with a car before?
So, maybe you can try to be understanding with his ex. I doubt that she wants to be back with him, she more than likely just doesnt know who else to talk to or ask and is worried.
As for the children... it can be very hard adjusting to life in another country, you and your husband need to get on the same page. A good way to do that would be to sit down when you are both calm and in a good mood and make a list of house rules. Make sure you both agree to the house rules (no throwing clothes on the floor, etc). After the house rules are made, think of how you will inforce them, and both of you have to agree to this. For instance, my son has to fold the laundry, if he forgets he loses tv for the day. If my daughter forgets to clean the kitchen she ends up loses the computer for a day. Basically I look for what they like the most and take that away for the day. Once you and your husband come up with the house rules, you should call a family meeting and BOTH you and your husband should explain the house rules and what will happen if they do not follow them. This way, you are not reacting in the moment and the kids know what to expect and your husband will have no choice but to support you since he helped agree to the rules as well.
Good luck!
I agree that she is probably scared that she is in a foreign country and doesn't know how to do things. Some people take the initiative to find out how to do it themselves while others will lean on anyone that will let them. To continue to let her doesn't help this person nor does it help the marriage.
It reminds me of when my shy daughter was about 17. We went to a restaurant and we all ordered. She told me what she wanted so I could order it for her. I basically told her that if she is hungry enough she will do it herself. Silly lesson, but she wasn't about to do it for herself if I would do it. Here she is now at the age of 23. She is successful, and is able to handle things on her own. She remembers this lesson well, and admits that this is exactly what she needed to get over her nervousness. Does she still get nervous to do things on her own? Yes, but she knows now she can do it.
This women needs to be told how to do ithings since it is a new country, but she needs to do things HERSELF. The fact that she has never had to deal with every day life before is lame.
It reminds me of when my shy daughter was about 17. We went to a restaurant and we all ordered. She told me what she wanted so I could order it for her. I basically told her that if she is hungry enough she will do it herself. Silly lesson, but she wasn't about to do it for herself if I would do it. Here she is now at the age of 23. She is successful, and is able to handle things on her own. She remembers this lesson well, and admits that this is exactly what she needed to get over her nervousness. Does she still get nervous to do things on her own? Yes, but she knows now she can do it.
This women needs to be told how to do ithings since it is a new country, but she needs to do things HERSELF. The fact that she has never had to deal with every day life before is lame.
QUOTE(BMJ @ May 20 2008, 10:57 AM)
Ok, so maybe I am way off base but if his ex-wife has never been to the USA before, then it could be a simple matter of a comfort zone. That does NOT mean she wants him back.
I kind of understand the calling (though not every 20 mins) to ask for help.
My ex-husband and I broke up over 6 years ago, and there are STILL times when I have called him to ask questions on how to do this or that. *I* am the one that broke it off with my ex, I never want to live with him, but before I was divorced I had always been a stay at home mom. I had never had to have a job before. When I knew I wanted a divorce I went out and got a job, but I still did not know how to do a lot of things. I ended up calling my ex a lot to ask questions about where do I get the oil changed at? my car wont start, what could be wrong? my computer is messing up, what can I do? stuff like that.
I called him because I did not know who else to call. We were living in an area we had only moved to recently and I was scared and feeling all alone and did not know who else to turn to for help. I would have LOVED to call on anyone but my ex, but I just didnt know who to turn to.
Now that I have Mark, I can ask him things, however, when my car broke down, I asked my ex what to do because Mark has never driven a car before. I love Mark beyond words, but how could he help me about a car problem if he hasnt had to deal with a car before?
So, maybe you can try to be understanding with his ex. I doubt that she wants to be back with him, she more than likely just doesnt know who else to talk to or ask and is worried.
As for the children... it can be very hard adjusting to life in another country, you and your husband need to get on the same page. A good way to do that would be to sit down when you are both calm and in a good mood and make a list of house rules. Make sure you both agree to the house rules (no throwing clothes on the floor, etc). After the house rules are made, think of how you will inforce them, and both of you have to agree to this. For instance, my son has to fold the laundry, if he forgets he loses tv for the day. If my daughter forgets to clean the kitchen she ends up loses the computer for a day. Basically I look for what they like the most and take that away for the day. Once you and your husband come up with the house rules, you should call a family meeting and BOTH you and your husband should explain the house rules and what will happen if they do not follow them. This way, you are not reacting in the moment and the kids know what to expect and your husband will have no choice but to support you since he helped agree to the rules as well.
Good luck!
I kind of understand the calling (though not every 20 mins) to ask for help.
My ex-husband and I broke up over 6 years ago, and there are STILL times when I have called him to ask questions on how to do this or that. *I* am the one that broke it off with my ex, I never want to live with him, but before I was divorced I had always been a stay at home mom. I had never had to have a job before. When I knew I wanted a divorce I went out and got a job, but I still did not know how to do a lot of things. I ended up calling my ex a lot to ask questions about where do I get the oil changed at? my car wont start, what could be wrong? my computer is messing up, what can I do? stuff like that.
I called him because I did not know who else to call. We were living in an area we had only moved to recently and I was scared and feeling all alone and did not know who else to turn to for help. I would have LOVED to call on anyone but my ex, but I just didnt know who to turn to.
Now that I have Mark, I can ask him things, however, when my car broke down, I asked my ex what to do because Mark has never driven a car before. I love Mark beyond words, but how could he help me about a car problem if he hasnt had to deal with a car before?
So, maybe you can try to be understanding with his ex. I doubt that she wants to be back with him, she more than likely just doesnt know who else to talk to or ask and is worried.
As for the children... it can be very hard adjusting to life in another country, you and your husband need to get on the same page. A good way to do that would be to sit down when you are both calm and in a good mood and make a list of house rules. Make sure you both agree to the house rules (no throwing clothes on the floor, etc). After the house rules are made, think of how you will inforce them, and both of you have to agree to this. For instance, my son has to fold the laundry, if he forgets he loses tv for the day. If my daughter forgets to clean the kitchen she ends up loses the computer for a day. Basically I look for what they like the most and take that away for the day. Once you and your husband come up with the house rules, you should call a family meeting and BOTH you and your husband should explain the house rules and what will happen if they do not follow them. This way, you are not reacting in the moment and the kids know what to expect and your husband will have no choice but to support you since he helped agree to the rules as well.
Good luck!
This is definatly a differnt point of view as you were as she was a stay at home mom, however had your ex had a wife would you have still called? Would he have helped? I will see the phone bill at the end of the month to see how the calls are going as he has stated it is down from where it was before. I hate the fact that I look at the phne bill to see if he is telling the truth however I will not be blind when my eyes are already open. Yes this is her first time in the US or any country for that matter and where she came from she had the support of my husbands family 100 percent and spent a lot of time with them there. When we ask the oldest to do the dishes he puts a face however he does do them. The dad asks nothing of the 11 year old and I state this is wrong. Things are a little bad right now between us due to the recent happenings so as far as the sit down it may have to wait a few days. It was raining the other day when the kids got off from school and he told me not to pick them upo as he did not want me to have to do anything for them WOW but I know this stems from the recent dispute and I will broach this soon.
Thanks
I am sorry to hear you're having these problems. I am even sorrier that some people are pulling out the old 'you knew what you were getting into'.
Guess what - you DON'T always know what you're getting into. You assume the ex will continue to live in another country, or you assume he won't be on the phone every single day with her, or you assume he won't guilt-parent. Or you assume that as the person he has decided to spend his life with, he might actually *gasp* consider your feelings when he makes decisions concerning his kids and ex-wife or consult you.
Read this - it's written by a man and I think it really relates to your situation:
http://www.steptogether.org/emotionaladultery.html
Guess what - you DON'T always know what you're getting into. You assume the ex will continue to live in another country, or you assume he won't be on the phone every single day with her, or you assume he won't guilt-parent. Or you assume that as the person he has decided to spend his life with, he might actually *gasp* consider your feelings when he makes decisions concerning his kids and ex-wife or consult you.
Read this - it's written by a man and I think it really relates to your situation:
http://www.steptogether.org/emotionaladultery.html
Great article, Not really sure how the relationship was when they actually lived together, however it must not have been that good if he came to america in search of the american dream. And heaven forbid I ask. From what I have gathered from his sisters it was not a good relationship to start with. She was all about the money and status it gave her ( this is what I was told ). I know they were not even living together before he came here 7 years ago. Hindsight does me no good as I am truly in love with this man. As I stated things are pretty tense right now. He does not want me doing anything for the kids, I guess he prefers they walk home in the rain from school rahter than me picking them up. Well this is also to an extent his fault. We signed the 11 yr up for afterschool however he had a hissy fit and refused to go and well now he is a latch key kid with his brother. I would have made my child go to after school it is a sense of at least knowing where your child is and is not imposing on the older one either who needs a life.
How I wish my husband could truly understand this story. We will keep plugging along for now and hope for the best.
We have been house hunting but in reality right now I donot think this is a good idea because if we can not fix this then there is no use staying togehter. I just hope I still have a postition in our Florida office.
Thanks EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU
How I wish my husband could truly understand this story. We will keep plugging along for now and hope for the best.
We have been house hunting but in reality right now I donot think this is a good idea because if we can not fix this then there is no use staying togehter. I just hope I still have a postition in our Florida office.
Thanks EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU
QUOTE(Peachbythebeach @ May 21 2008, 09:21 AM)
I am sorry to hear you're having these problems. I am even sorrier that some people are pulling out the old 'you knew what you were getting into'.
Guess what - you DON'T always know what you're getting into. You assume the ex will continue to live in another country, or you assume he won't be on the phone every single day with her, or you assume he won't guilt-parent. Or you assume that as the person he has decided to spend his life with, he might actually *gasp* consider your feelings when he makes decisions concerning his kids and ex-wife or consult you.
Read this - it's written by a man and I think it really relates to your situation:
http://www.steptogether.org/emotionaladultery.html
Guess what - you DON'T always know what you're getting into. You assume the ex will continue to live in another country, or you assume he won't be on the phone every single day with her, or you assume he won't guilt-parent. Or you assume that as the person he has decided to spend his life with, he might actually *gasp* consider your feelings when he makes decisions concerning his kids and ex-wife or consult you.
Read this - it's written by a man and I think it really relates to your situation:
http://www.steptogether.org/emotionaladultery.html
cnfused
Just want to say that for what I read.
I think you are a very good person.
I hope your husband can appreciate it before it is late for him.
I wish everything gets better for you.
Just want to say that for what I read.
I think you are a very good person.
I hope your husband can appreciate it before it is late for him.
I wish everything gets better for you.
QUOTE(Kez/JWolf @ May 16 2008, 04:10 PM)
QUOTE(cnfused @ May 16 2008, 04:04 PM)
QUOTE(Kez/JWolf @ May 16 2008, 03:45 PM)
You say she has only been in the US for 2.5 months, how did she come to the US ? on which visa or is she a USC? something just dont sound right, he has no contact with his kids for years and then all of a suden his ex and his kids move to the US and the kids now live with him and his ex is just living here? am I missing some vital but of information?
You do not know the half of it so here goes.
I married my husband in April 2007 applied in May 2007 he had his LPR by Septemember 2007
She ( the Ex ) met an married a USC in 2004 her CR1 Visa ( now IR ) came through Last year in March ( did not get into the details of why it took so long ). At the time the person she married did not have the sponsoship to bring the kids. I met my husband in Sept of 2006 so I knew about this part but I was more than willing once I got married to him to bring the kids ( the 864 is not an issue for me ). She came for good in Dec 2007 and however she is no longer with the USC ( yeah a little fishy to me too ) but any who I was gung ho about getting my husband back together with his kids and understood they would live with us supposedly a month, well the month came and went and here we are. I was extremly adament to the fact that he would not be her support ( he can barely support himself ) when she arrived her last year. I brought to his attention the fact that for the last year until she arrived he never spoke to her as much as he does now and the kids are not even with her. so WTF. She has a bad day becasue of the shock of having to work for a living and sends hin lenghty text messages, I tell him that it is his resposibilty to lether this is not wanted from her. However some of the times he is the one initiating the call. So I guess I might be being taken for a ride? I donot know as I have stated to hin that if he does not want to be with me let me know and I willmore than happliy make sure not to contest when he and the kids lift conditions as we have many things co mingled.
he has another son out of wedlock but he turned 18 a month before we married so now he is applying for that child and it will take 5-6 years.
Wow what a situation. You need to protect yourself and your home just in case. it does seem a bit odd that his entire family are now in the US and he appears to want to focus on his ex more than on you, but I could be totally wrong here, I hope so.
Good Luck
I agree, it's very odd.
QUOTE(diadromous mermaid @ May 19 2008, 07:43 PM)
QUOTE(cnfused @ May 19 2008, 11:29 AM)
QUOTE(carpe diem @ May 19 2008, 10:06 AM)
On re-reading my post it seems a bit harsh, sorry. You didn't ask to be in this situation and I can certainly relate to your frustration. I hope you'll be able to work things out with your husband and his children and I'm wishing you the best and give you a virtual hug.
No worries I did not take it in any ill way. I put myself out here and hope for some light to be shed and it is coming. I do understand your point, it is however difficult to adjust in this relationship. The hardest thing is my husband is pretty closed and had he maybe been a little clearer ( even Now ) some of these feelings would not have come to the point they have. This is something he and he only can change if and when he chooses to , where as I on the other hand am very vocal on any and every thing. Thanks for your point of view also.
But see there are steps she can take ( the EX ) that have not happened and I feel by him contining to be johnny on the spot they never will. she has been here five months and has not even taken an English class? I have spoken to her to an extent and say take the class all it can do is help you in the long run, but I guess she is so Timid it scares her? Have no clue but she needs to get off the pot cause she has sat there for a while and if he does not put his foot down to an extent then she never will.
While I can see how having an ex-wife in your daily lives isn't the ldyllic marriage situation, surely having married a man who has children with this woman, you should have expected that there would be occasions when she would be present in your daily lives. Sometimes I think people that are in second marriages forget that the new spouse, and the step-children, have a right to a life with both parents involved. The fact that your husband is willing to participate and help his ex-wife can be viewed as a positive and not only as a negative. Are you sure it isn't perhaps a sense of insecurity on your part that is fueling your concerns?
This woman, the ex, is being waaaaaaay to clingy! how old is she?? hello! she has never grown up from the sounds of it and yet she has kids of her own. I'd be pissed if my husbands ex kept calling and calling and calling him. Yes the kids live with them, but see now is the chance for her to sort her life out! my god! yet another person who is so immature, this ex needs to move on and grow up and act like a adult! a mature one, not a clingy 3 year old, who is scared to be left at the day care when mommy and daddy go away for the day!
QUOTE(Peachbythebeach @ May 21 2008, 08:21 AM)
Guess what - you DON'T always know what you're getting into. You assume the ex will continue to live in another country, or you assume he won't be on the phone every single day with her, or you assume he won't guilt-parent. Or you assume that as the person he has decided to spend his life with, he might actually *gasp* consider your feelings when he makes decisions concerning his kids and ex-wife or consult you.
Read this - it's written by a man and I think it really relates to your situation:
http://www.steptogether.org/emotionaladultery.html
Read this - it's written by a man and I think it really relates to your situation:
http://www.steptogether.org/emotionaladultery.html
Good point! I totally agree with you and love the article..
I have been in the US three years on May 24.
I still have MAJOR issues with my step children. Blended families are not easy at all.
My step children are 20, 18 and 12. Sometimes they act like they are 5.
Good luck to you.
I still have MAJOR issues with my step children. Blended families are not easy at all.
My step children are 20, 18 and 12. Sometimes they act like they are 5.
Good luck to you.
So much reading so many positive people and the experiences they too have gone through, well yesterday I went home a little early because I was not feeling good, it was almost 5PM and the little one was not in the house yet, I called dad and he said oh yeah he went to the library. I stated it would have been nice if you could have informed me as we live togehter right? Still trying to pick up the pieces of my marriage but when things like this happen I say to myself why am I trying when the effort from the other side is not there? Man what a situation I have gotten myself into. We will keep going and let everyone know how it goes. Thanks again
Well, I have to say a man is a man and little details do not turn a lightbulb on their head thinking that they should tell you every little detail. I've read this entire post and these thoughts come to my mind:
- his divorcee is probably feeling quite isolated living in a room, not knowing anyone but him from "home" as well as the fact she can't speak English well at all
- why are the kids living with you & him and not her? If I was you, for the kids sake, I would assist her as much as possible financially...they ARE a package deal, as well as her...give her a time frame as to how long the assistance would last, at that time, she is responsible financially other than child support. He is basically a stranger to the kids...no wonder they are behaving the way they are, they don't even know him due to his unacceptable behaviour and only being a sperm donor! and he doesn't know them!
- did you not know who this man was when you married him? how much did you two share/discuss before you married him?
- IMO, I feel sorry for everyone but you...you knew this was a package deal, did you think it was all going to be roses?? YOU are living in YOUR homeland, YOU have YOUR job, YOU have everything that is familiar to YOU...they have come to a strange land where their securities are GONE, they don't feel at home, speaking a second language, no true friends yet as that takes time - learning to trust, and all YOU are concerned about is YOUR insecure feelings! I never once heard you say a word about how THEY feel. Maybe you should've stayed single??
- his divorcee is probably feeling quite isolated living in a room, not knowing anyone but him from "home" as well as the fact she can't speak English well at all
- why are the kids living with you & him and not her? If I was you, for the kids sake, I would assist her as much as possible financially...they ARE a package deal, as well as her...give her a time frame as to how long the assistance would last, at that time, she is responsible financially other than child support. He is basically a stranger to the kids...no wonder they are behaving the way they are, they don't even know him due to his unacceptable behaviour and only being a sperm donor! and he doesn't know them!
- did you not know who this man was when you married him? how much did you two share/discuss before you married him?
- IMO, I feel sorry for everyone but you...you knew this was a package deal, did you think it was all going to be roses?? YOU are living in YOUR homeland, YOU have YOUR job, YOU have everything that is familiar to YOU...they have come to a strange land where their securities are GONE, they don't feel at home, speaking a second language, no true friends yet as that takes time - learning to trust, and all YOU are concerned about is YOUR insecure feelings! I never once heard you say a word about how THEY feel. Maybe you should've stayed single??
A little different perspective - my wife is from Colombia and the family unit is more important than anything in her life. She talks to her sister sometimes three or four times a day, her brother at least once and some of her cousins etc. too. In my opinion (and I could be completely wrong) you appear to be very controlling (from some of your statements) and now you have no control over this new life and that's why you are feeling the way you are. It seems to me that you are in a 'fight or perish' mode right now. You need to learn to relax (do some relaxation like Qui Gong) and try and accept the situation for what it is - it will resolve itself eventually one way or the other. If you force it to be more combative - it will resolve in a break-up; if you force it to be more sympathetic - it will resolve in a more peaceful situation. I had to do something similar though not as extreme as in your situation (I was not too controlling 
).
I will tell you a little about my wife's brother - he divorced his wife (after 10 years or so) has two children and they live with her but spend weekends with him (this is all in Colombia). He would do anything for the kids and you need to understand this basic family-unit value they seem to have. When he went for the divorce hearing and the judge ordered the monthly support - he immediately offered to pay twice the support saying he wants to do it to keep his children happy!
You have a lot of pride in yourself and you seem to want him, and his ex, and his children to behave in very specific ways - I think you will need to give in and let them be - just because they do things differently doesn't make them bad or inferior - just different - they are good people and in my opinion the Colombians are far better family people than anything I have ever seen in my life. I really envy that, but in a good way. Good Luck
). I will tell you a little about my wife's brother - he divorced his wife (after 10 years or so) has two children and they live with her but spend weekends with him (this is all in Colombia). He would do anything for the kids and you need to understand this basic family-unit value they seem to have. When he went for the divorce hearing and the judge ordered the monthly support - he immediately offered to pay twice the support saying he wants to do it to keep his children happy!
You have a lot of pride in yourself and you seem to want him, and his ex, and his children to behave in very specific ways - I think you will need to give in and let them be - just because they do things differently doesn't make them bad or inferior - just different - they are good people and in my opinion the Colombians are far better family people than anything I have ever seen in my life. I really envy that, but in a good way. Good Luck
SHe needs to payback in kind, clean up your house and straighten up her brats!!
QUOTE(hheaven67 @ May 23 2008, 05:24 PM)
Well, I have to say a man is a man and little details do not turn a lightbulb on their head thinking that they should tell you every little detail. I've read this entire post and these thoughts come to my mind:
- his divorcee is probably feeling quite isolated living in a room, not knowing anyone but him from "home" as well as the fact she can't speak English well at all
- why are the kids living with you & him and not her? If I was you, for the kids sake, I would assist her as much as possible financially...they ARE a package deal, as well as her...give her a time frame as to how long the assistance would last, at that time, she is responsible financially other than child support. He is basically a stranger to the kids...no wonder they are behaving the way they are, they don't even know him due to his unacceptable behaviour and only being a sperm donor! and he doesn't know them!
- did you not know who this man was when you married him? how much did you two share/discuss before you married him?
- IMO, I feel sorry for everyone but you...you knew this was a package deal, did you think it was all going to be roses?? YOU are living in YOUR homeland, YOU have YOUR job, YOU have everything that is familiar to YOU...they have come to a strange land where their securities are GONE, they don't feel at home, speaking a second language, no true friends yet as that takes time - learning to trust, and all YOU are concerned about is YOUR insecure feelings! I never once heard you say a word about how THEY feel. Maybe you should've stayed single??
- his divorcee is probably feeling quite isolated living in a room, not knowing anyone but him from "home" as well as the fact she can't speak English well at all
- why are the kids living with you & him and not her? If I was you, for the kids sake, I would assist her as much as possible financially...they ARE a package deal, as well as her...give her a time frame as to how long the assistance would last, at that time, she is responsible financially other than child support. He is basically a stranger to the kids...no wonder they are behaving the way they are, they don't even know him due to his unacceptable behaviour and only being a sperm donor! and he doesn't know them!
- did you not know who this man was when you married him? how much did you two share/discuss before you married him?
- IMO, I feel sorry for everyone but you...you knew this was a package deal, did you think it was all going to be roses?? YOU are living in YOUR homeland, YOU have YOUR job, YOU have everything that is familiar to YOU...they have come to a strange land where their securities are GONE, they don't feel at home, speaking a second language, no true friends yet as that takes time - learning to trust, and all YOU are concerned about is YOUR insecure feelings! I never once heard you say a word about how THEY feel. Maybe you should've stayed single??
Yep, but as a matter of fact, she wasn't the petitioner for the X, was she?
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.