Any everyone is has their own opinion. What feeling the children do not even speak to me even when spoken to. Everything I am used to. NO I moved from where I lived all my life to the north east to live with my husband. I attempt to do what I can. I petioned the children had the mom or dad done this it would still be 4 years more of waiting for them. Before the kids even landed they had health, dental and vision insurance. This enabled them to be able to go to school here as they need a few addtional tests and shots. I took off 5 days of work to trot them around and get everything set up to try and bring normalacy into there lives knowing that they left all they had behind. I have tried to be understanding to the needs they have and the differnces in culture.
We did have discussions , however the man I married is not the man I am with now. The situation has changed now that the children are here which is why I am putting myself out here in hopes to help ME change and understand what needs to be done. But one person does not make a marriage. Thanks for your input.

Motu, Yes my husband is definatly one of those family oriented colombians. He came here in order to try and make a better life for his children. His dream was for them to come here and live the " American Dream " however I think at times the kids do not graspo this is full. They were taken away from the life they had to come to this new land. They are lucky because both of the parents are here where as in most cases is is only one parent. My husband and I had a pretty long discussion over the weekend and we both are trying to make the best of this situation. However the kids come from where there was always someone ther to pick up whatever mess they made and are having a hard time adjusting to the fact that the maid does not live here anymore. We had a sisutaion with the little one last noght about homework. We check his bag on a regular bases and did not see any, however he had it stashed and brought it out at 5PM needless to say we finally finished after midnight. I expalined that this is not acceptable and also told dad that this has to stop. The child needs to be a little more responsible he is not 5 but 11 and knows he needs to finsh the work from school. He stared crying and for the first time his dad did not give in to him. This was a step in the right direction IMO. Hopefully we can trudge along. As far as contolling yes a bit that is for sure and it is not easy to be not be in control as I was always the pack leader in my house since the day my daughter was born. This I am working on also along with trying to bring harmony to my marriage.

Correct I was the one who broght them and knew they would live with us for a short period, however I see this short period growing as MOM has not gotten off the pot. I explained to my husband that if we knew this was the case we would not have signed the lease on the 1 bedroom we would have looked for a 2 bedroom at least. We live in pretty tight quarters and this does not help the situation at all.
And I refuse to support the EX PERIOD. She needs to sink or swin. She has a car that we gave her for FREE so she can trot off to work and bring home her own bacon. As far as English there is place up the street hoever she does not want to go. SO no effort no help.

Sounds like everybody is adjusting to new situation-you, husband, kids, ex. I would probably ask husband to send kids to live with mother since she knows better how to handle them. I would let husband support all of them; so, the ex can rent large enough place for her and kids. Since he is not making that much, looks like the ex still would need to work (kids are not that small-can take care of themselve while she is at work). Maybe it is less money for your family but could be less headache too. The ex would be busy with kids and work -less talking to husband. You would come home and sped time as you pleased without the need to discipline grownup not-yours kids. Husband would have more time for you and maybe would figure how to make more money.
Maybe I am wrong but would rather pay the husband's ex (at least during this adjusting times) to take care of kids (as she did before) and have my life with husband (hopefully, the ex would start to make enough in future to cover expenses or husband would make more money; situation might change).

I have been wondering the same thing as I was reading. Why does he feel that he has to take care of her? YOU are his wife not HER. His first loyalty should be to you, even if she is the mother of his children.

Asked and answered . She has been here now 6 months.

If it was that easy it would have been done, as I have said in some of my posts she does not know how to look for an an apartment on her own. I am willing to help but not hold her hand the whole time that is for sure. If he had to support the whole family there would be nothing for my household. I am the bread winner and with this bread I help him , the kids and my daughter who is in college. I feel the miunte he starts this she will just keep taking.

Cnfused,
you are a good hearted woman and you are doing a lot. Most of us would probably already gave up. Sounds like he will always think/take care of his ex (does not mean that he feels for her; he was prob raised that way-being a responsible man). You are strong-he does not feel/understand that he needs to help you out too. My simpathy is with you. But, please, put your needs first. You deserve it.

Thanks I am still plugging along. Some days are good and others are just BLAH.......... Trying to work things out to the best of my ability but not sure how it will go. I also miss my Daughter I left in Florida ( She is 18 ) and maybe that will be one of the factors I look into.

Well my fellow VJ"er here is the rest of the story.

Had a major talk the other night and flat out asked him what is the deal with the kids, he is allowing them to do as they please as if they were still in Colombia and not in the US. There are certain laws that pertain to Children that when I try to exlain to him he shuts me out. We have had a few problems with the little one and some books he should have read but never did over the summer. I suggested also that the 12 year old be placed in an after school program as it is not good for a 12 yr old to be running around until say 6pm when we get home. The conversation got around to differnt things about the kids and basically it ending up being that I am not allowed to be a part of their lives and end of story. I currently have no where to go so I am still in the horrible place that is supposed to be my home. I tried to understand that the kids come from a totally differnt culture however there are LAWS here and I will not risk going to Jail because his kids do what ever the heck they want.
There are problems sometimes that involve the kids who are my responsibilty and of course I am never included in any discussion however the EX is in everyhting. I asked , beg and cry for some type of communication from him and get maybe 3 words during whatever discussion we are having and the ex gets 20-30 minutes of phone time. I am so Depressed right now and do not know what to do. HELP I am dying inside

I'm not really sure what this 12 year old is doing that is illegal, but I would have to admit that if you are in this kind of position then I would turn it into the authorities. That may sound tough, but I think that your husband is running all over you, and it is wrong. Not just that, what are the children learning for this?

I know that as I was raising my children, and I found out that they were not in school when they should be, I would simply call the school and verify that they weren't there. If the answer was that they were not there I would inform them that they were indeed sluffing. My kids would get in trouble of course, but my goal was to show them that to their actions there are consequences. Strangely the friend they sluffed with, their parents covered for them. In the end, now that my kids are grown, I find that I have 4 very responsible children, while their friends that had parents that covered for them are in a totally different situation. I don't think covering for them helped them to learn important lessons in life.

To be honest I can't see why you are still in this relationship. He has proven time and time again that your opinions and feelings mean nothing to him. I don't think he deserves you.

ask yourself a major question:" do you still want this man even without the package?" Sounds like he is not there for you and not willing to understand you. He might be a good man but just not what you need. Cultural differences are too separating in your family. He came here. He should adjust a bit. If not willing...it is up to you to save the marriage or not. But sounds like it is not a family. Maybe he is holding to you just for GC. Maybe he does want out.....too

Yes i agree with the above post , things does not sound right.let his ex have the children and get joint custody I bet if the children were not there with you she would have no reason to call him. In your heart do what u think is right for you but if it were me i would want out of this mess.

cnfused,

You are too nice. Honestly, I hope your husband notices it soon for his own good.
I hope everything work the best for you.

first of all, it seems like you married not only your husband, but also his whole family including the ex. your husband is lucky you agreed to petition his own children , and for that, your husband does not have the right to say you cannot be part of his childrens lives. he should give you the respect you deserve as his wife. you love your husband and that is why you are sticking it out with him . however, i believe its about time you put your foot down and get the respect you deserve. if i were you, id sit down with him, talk softly and put your cards out on the table. ask your husband to decide who is more important to him, you or his ex? and then you can go from there. good luck.

It's fine to feel how you feel, but you should know if you can trust your husband and if he truly care about your feelings he should try to minimize the phone talk with his Ex. I'm sure she is an Ex for a reason.

The OP hasn't posted in a while, there is a fairly large date gap between some of the posts since the last time the OP posted so they may not even be checking up on this thread anymore.

Reading the early posts in the thread, my thoughts were... make friends with the ex, show her the ropes, help her become more independent, it's probably long past that point and likely easier said than done, but could have worked wonders in changing how the whole situation played out.

Second, when communication gets bad, entirely too many people make it worse, your husband stops talking, you start talking louder, he will avoid you even more, it's an easy cycle to get into. This would have been a heck of a lot more useful advice months ago when this post first got going.

I do read the boards and I do post under my other name, I think I stated that I have been a VJ member under my other name since 9/07. I am truly in love with my husband as I know he is with me. I read this thread and many others.
We did have a sit down ( The whole family EX included ) in my living room last Sunday. This is what prevailed.

Husband now has a job that keeps him away form home from Monday until Friday Night ( GREAT ) , we are moving into a 2 bedroom apartment to better accomodate the kids, They basically refuse to go live with the mom at this point. I have and am trying to make nice with the EX as she needs to step up to the plate and help more with the kids. SHe has done so some what. The kids are now to call me and let me kow where they are and not just hang out until what ever time they want as before. Imagine the other day the EX was sitting in my kitchen helping the 12 yr old with his homework. Personel feelings aside we need to try and get our poo togehter as we are all miserable as it was.

The first week we have had our glithches and I am sure we will have more. The hard part is now that he is not here the whole week who can I turn to? I do not want this to turn into a case where every 5 minutes I have to call because the kids are not complying with the rules. I know kids will push as I raised my daughter ( now 18 ) all alone. However they come from a place where they were waited on hand and foot and now they actually have to think about others in the house. It is a constant can you please wash the glass and not get a face or remark when asked?? It is difficult because those of us with kids form other countires know the culture and the raising of them is very differnt. This does not mean they do not have to change, because it is a must in the household. And we are working towards that now. This is the last opportunity as I stated they need to get it togehter or the EX can take the apartment and have them period no matter what they think they want.

On another note the 16yr stated the week before last he was packing and leaving. Mom and Dad told him they would call the police well after a while no police so he was just about packed, well I sure as heck called them and they explained the laws of the US to him and the fact that at 16 he has to stay with me or go woth his mom. He choose to stay which is where the need for the sit down came.

I look back and read and I also am changing inside to try and make it work but it has to be a two way street as they say or it will just end uop being as it was.

Thansk for taking the time to read this. I have become a little less bitter as the days go on and hope for the best is what I can do

That still sounds rough but at the same time sounds like some really good progress is being made. This might turn into a happy ending yet!