I’m waiting for the P4 from TH embassy now. It takes almost a month but I haven’t heard any thing from them yet, so glad that we’re almost there.

But seem like thing is getting worse, after I’ve discussed with him about the plan and my future life. As I’ve been telling him about my big responsibility as my mom, house, car and all expense that I have now. It’s around $1200 per month that I need him to support my mom and my thing while I’m going to be in USA with him. I know that it’s a lot, crazy and tough for him to handle that. He’s a specialist in Film Service Company in Burbank. I don’t know how much that he made. But I didn’t feel good at all to pass this thing to him, how am I suppose to do while I’m waiting for my work permit and greed card, since I’m going to be such a useless, no work and no money almost a year. He’s so depressed and sad now. Even I tried to cheer him up and figured out about this problem, but he still feels the same.

Only I know is I love him and I want to spend my life with him. But if I go there I’m going to be a trouble for him for a year. I just feel like I should stay here, and live with my real world. I don’t know what to do. I need your help on this…

Wow.....that's a huge sum. Even when you get a job, that may be a large sum for your household to pay out.

You didn't tell him this before now?

Well, $1200 is crazy, I don't know anybody who would be able to afford that. My husband makes way more than an average salary and after we pay rent, bills, food.. there is no way we would have that kind of money. Even if you start to work after you get you're green card I really don't see a way.
Can't you just sell the car? What does you're mom do for living? If she's retired does she get some retirement money? I mean there are a lots of other options to consider.

I'm a bit suprised that this has become an issue at this late point in your visa application - I assume from your post that you did not discuss your Thai financial responsibilities with your SO until just recently. That's one cause for concern, the other is that you say your willing to just stay there and not be with your fiancee because of this. I would suggest you sell the car, house or whatever is causing the 1200 per month expense - and just eliminate those financial responsibilities. When your with your fiancee you will not have those financial obligations anymore. I understand the desire to support your mom - but in my mind that's really your obligation to figure out. Are there no savings she can live off of until you start working? What are her true support costs, forgetting the car, etc.? if the matter is a deal breaker for you, then I suggest you have that honest discussion now.

I guess it's gonna be financially very hard for your (or your fiance) to maintain two lives for you,one in the US and one in Thailand. Maybe you should open your eyes to the financial reality most people are facing and living. I suppose that he might also feel disappointed because of what you're asking from him (just my 2 cents).
Good luck...

I know some guys who are married to Thai women and they say for that amount you could live like a king there.

Smells fishy to me

concur

If my fiance came to me at this point in the journey and told me what you are saying, I would not be able to get past it.

You really need to have a long discussion with him.

Your fiance has no financial obligation towards your mother or any other financial issues you may have at your homeland,I'm a little surprised he wasn't aware all of this before??? this must be such a burden for him to carry,I feel for him!!!!!!

Yupz, heard the same from people who married a Thai woman and same thoughts running through my mind (especially since it comes up when theyre this far into the whole thing).

And what about the car? Looking at the living expenses in Thailand this must be darn expensive car lol.. just lose the thing.

No work for almost a year? Apply for EOD right away and you might be able to work within a few months.

Oh well.. still it all sounds kinda weird when looking at the costs of living in Thailand :S

I concur with pcana - these are your responsibilities - and him not being aware of them until now sounds like a "SURPRISE!!!" that I am sure he did not receive well, and with reason.
Good luck sorting things out, if that is what you really want.

i found myself in a similar financial situation (in terms of the monthly amount, anyway) but was honest and upfront with my SO from the very beginning (day 5 of our relationship, if you want to get technical). he knows every detail and also knows that i'm working hard to ensure that i have resolved ALL of it before i move there to be with him. it would be unfair and unrealistic to expect him to carry any of my past/current obligations. they are MINE, not his to live and deal with. we are working on building something together and i know that i owe it to both him and myself to give us a fair shot by dealing with my own situation.

i agree that you need to have an honest discussion now with your SO. something like this can seriously shake a person's trust in another person and for good reason. you must also remember that these financial obligations have nothing to do with him. they are your responsibility. it is no wonder he is depressed and sad. this is a very big thing to suddenly reveal to someone. to expect him to quickly get over it or accept it just isn't respectful or fair. he has also done a lot for you in order to make it possible for you to be together. you cannot forget his efforts and how he must feel. put yourself in his shoes for a moment.

i also encourage you to be strong for yourself and take a realistic look at your expenses. you may find that many of them are unnecessary and extravagant. think about what is actually necessary, not what is 'nice' to have.

i wish you the best of luck in working through this and finding and accepting what it is you really want

"i agree that you need to have an honest discussion now with your SO. something like this can seriously shake a person's trust in another person and for good reason. you must also remember that these financial obligations have nothing to do with him. they are your responsibility. it is no wonder he is depressed and sad. this is a very big thing to suddenly reveal to someone. to expect him to quickly get over it or accept it just isn't respectful or fair. he has also done a lot for you in order to make it possible for you to be together. you cannot forget his efforts and how he must feel. put yourself in his shoes for a moment.

i also encourage you to be strong for yourself and take a realistic look at your expenses. you may find that many of them are unnecessary and extravagant. think about what is actually necessary, not what is 'nice' to have.

i wish you the best of luck in working through this and finding and accepting what it is you really want "



Well said.

These responses are expected from western-culture attitudes. So now that all the farang have chimed in, I will give you my 2 baht (having a Thai finacee/wife for over 3 years now). From what I read I am assuming you are the youngest or only daughter, so he must understand that YES IT IS your and soon to be his responsibility to support your mother. That is just one of the many "perks" he gets when a Thai woman agrees to let him marry her. Once you are in the US and get married, submit your EAD paperwork as soon as possible and you will get your work permit in just under 3 months. It doesn't take over year.

He needs to understand your culture and responsibilities, and adjust accordingly. If he cannot, then your marriage will not last very long. There should be plenty of samee-farang in California he can talk to about this, there are quite a few of us here on VJ that would be glad to explain all the responsibilites of having a Thai wife, but also in the same breathe how amazingly wonderful his life will be with a Thai woman who him.

Maybe he didn't realize these are expectations of marrying a Thai woman because she wasn't upfront with him in the first place?

My thoughts exactly.

I get the whole attitude; but to spring it on him NOW at the end, seems very unfair.

my response was based on this: "my mom, house, car and all expense that I have now. It’s around $1200 per month that I need him to support my mom and my thing". yes, her mom is a part of it but there is a lot more it seems. and i agree with jack and barbara - it seems there was some key information that was not disclosed initially. there is an obvious gap in understanding and wants/needs but there was also a lapse in judgment for not disclosing this sort of information earlier on in the process. but yes, ilayja, part of it might be a cultural difference or misunderstanding that needs to be addressed. thank you for mentioning that. it just seems a shame that they weren't working on this level of understanding earlier.

some serious discussions could bring this together but it is going to take some time and effort in order for this to happen. and i still think it's key that she take time to figure things out for herself first. (she was the one asking for support and that's my suggestion.) we all need to be solid on our own before becoming a part of something greater, i believe. i also have no doubt that if they are willing to do the work they could be very happy together.

again, fabian

Did you mean to say GREED card  jk

I feel bad for you both and hope you can sort this out.

oooppss

It sounds like you are a few months late in discussing your marital financial issues, so it will be good for you to understand that people of any culture cannot be expected to "be informed" they will soon have their expenses increase by $1200 a month on 30 to 60 days notice. It is entirely unreasonable for either spouse to expect immediate compliance when they were'nt part of the planning for this future.

You're leaving Thailand. Can't you sell the car? Also, you should have work authorization within three months of filing.

Surely the benefits of marrying a Thai woman are mostly balanced by the benefits of marrying an American man. I got a chuckle out of the one-way explanation of expectations.

Several times in our marriage, my wife has stated "I am Chinese woman." to which I've replied "And, I am American man." Then we talk about what WE are going to do?"

Totally agree. Marriages between different cultures need adjustment and compromises from BOTH partners.
I hate it when I hear from people "I left my country for my spouse, now they have to do anything and everything for me."

Fabian ... jai yen yen, ok? mai kit mak! You are not a bother, you both will figure this out together.

For the rest ... you are looking at this thru the wrong set of glasses, she is doing exactly what she is supposed to do, that is how she was brought up. You cannot tell a Thai woman that it is NOT her responsibility to be thankful for the ultimate sacrifice that her parents made to give her life and to take care of them. That is solely a western value, not a Thai value. Nam-jai (generosity) and gat-tan-yu (honor your debts) are two core values in Thai culture that do not have equivalents in western culture. Her fiancee/husband must accept and appreciate how important this is to her, and make sure that their relationship never comes into conflict with this, because he will ultimately loose. That is why she said it might be better for her to stay in Thailand if he cannot do this. It doesn't matter when or how this was brought up, she brought it up at the right time according to her belief. Telling her to abandon her entire belief system by thinking like a westerner is not good advice.

       [/quote]
Totally agree. Marriages between different cultures need adjustment and compromises from BOTH partners.
I hate it when I hear from people "I left my country for my spouse, now they have to do anything and everything for me."
[/quote]

Agree also.
The only thing I wished he would of changed would be the side of road they drive on! he could not help me out there!

I do see where you are coming from and understand that is the way she has been brought up, her culture. However it is not her future husbands culture and this should of been talked through along time ago.

The book "Thai Fever" is good for Thai/farang couples to read. It explores the cultural differences and is a good spring-board for healthy discussion. One side of the page is written in Thai and the other in English. All things may not apply to all couples, and some families do things differently.

I found it shortly after our son married and returned to the states last fall. He devoured it. It would have been a good read before they made a serious commitment, but I am confident that they have a solid relationship. It gave me an idea of what to expect, too.

Compromising and communication can be a good things if you value your relationship.

Hope this helps

Horse feathers. Those values are in every culture with which I am familiar. Also, in both the Thai and Western cultures, exist the principle of respecting the needs and desires of your spouse in a "mutual" way.

Surely, had these issues been discussed earlier in the relationship, more respect for the spouse would exist in both directions and dealing with the issues would have been easier. Whether this is the "right time" in somebody's mind won't ultimately mean much if the result ruins an otherwise viable relationship.

We Westerners have a saying to the effect it makes no sense to win the battle and lose the war. Or being dead right has the same result as being dead wrong. In both cases, you're "dead".

Does the Thai culture recognize the concept of "foolish"?

She should understand his culture as well. He is not obligated to do anything like she suggests. This is just a scam.
Why would anyone with culture wait until now to ask for understanding of this? Because they hope its too late for him to change his mind. Why are they asking this question here on V J ?
I am married to a Thai. I understood the culture. I was not asked to do anything along these lines. I do however provide assistance to my mother in law.
This amount of money isnt required by 90% of the Thais. If they live in this style they dont need assistance.
There is someting very wrong here & everyone knows it. Dont try to justify this as cultural differences.

Horse feathers?

Horsefeathers! Haven't heard that in a while...

I'm married to a wonderful Thai woman, and she had a similar situation when we first met about 5 years ago. However, she did tell me about it WAY in advance, which helped. With that said, lets just say that the Thai culture is wondefully unique, and $1200/month to sustain a family and all the bills in Thailand is not outrageous. Cars in Thailand are not cheap, and homes cost money as well. Think about it, $1200/month in the USA just basically pays rent...

Anyways...you can get your work permit (EAD) easily after being in the USA for about 3-6 months. And, you'll be able to get a job in the USA and make $1200/month very easily as well. Perhaps your husband can cover the expenses during that short time frame. That shouldn't be too much of a burden. It might be a good suggestion though to talk to your husband about this more. For example, you and he might have to come to the understanding that once you are in the USA and working, that you may need to send ALL of your paycheck back to Thailand. See how he feels about that...because he might not have anticipated it.

Luckily for my wife and I, we've now paid off her house and car so we're in good shape ;-) So...the same thing will happen to you...you'll eventually have that car paid off...and eventually he'll have a wonderful house/car/life waiting for him all year round in Thailand...plus...most importantly, he'll have YOU! Thats pretty priceless, if he really loves you

God's/Buddha's Peace to you!

MarkNAAm

The amount may or may not be reasonable. It is what it is. The problem is the delay in and lack of communication and those things will bring problems to any marriage regardless of culture or cultures mixed.

YES. He wanted to say horse sxxt because thats what this is.

All that may be correct, but, isn't one aspect of faling in love with a member of a society elsewhere in the world to want to learn about his or her culture? I agree that the OP might have fared better by disclosing the depth of her soon-to-be husband's moral and ethical obligation to her and her family, but isn't it just as important for him to have becoms informed on his own? I can't fathom getting to this point in any relationship without learning something as essential to one's partner's culture and upbringing. It sounds to me as if he knew, but isn't quite sure he can handle the task.

Yes, of course the responsibility is mutual, meaning neither the OP or her fiance is absolved of responsibility. However, the OP is the one posting about the issue and to whom we are responding.

Why is it required that she have a house and car in Thailand?? I'm curious if this is a cultural thing?? I never would have considered keeping a car and house in Canada after I moved to the USA.

If I am understanding correctly it is Thai culture that the youngest/only daughter support the mother (parents?). I agree with the previous posters...the problem here is NOT the support or even how much money that entails. It's the fact that she waited until NOW to disclose the actual amount. I understand the USC being upset about this. I make about 175% the poverty level and the $1200 she JUST sprung on him is almost as much as I bring home a month. I doubt he would have quite as big a problem supporting his future mother-in-law if he had known three months ago that this was expected of him.

And yes, it is partially his responsibility to find these things out about his future wife's culture. It is also HER responsibility to understand HIS culture. Marriage is a two-way street, no one, of any culture, should simply expect someone to follow their rules at the drop of a hat. My fiance would never expect me to do anything like this, nor would I expect it of him unless we had discussed it well in advance...because we RESPECT each other and we TALK regularly about what the future holds and how we're going to survive it TOGETHER.

The timeline isn't really clear in the OP's original post about when she brought this up but it doesn't appear there has been an in-depth discussion about finances, which could prove to be very troublesome.

From the OP: I'm waiting for the P4 from TH embassy now. It takes almost a month but I haven't heard any thing from them yet, so glad that we're almost there.

But seem like thing is getting worse, after I've discussed with him about the plan and my future life. As I've been telling him about my big responsibility as my mom, house, car and all expense that I have now. It's around $1200 per month that I need him to support my mom and my thing while I'm going to be in USA with him. I know that it's a lot, crazy and tough for him to handle that. He's a specialist in Film Service Company in Burbank. I don't know how much that he made. But I didn't feel good at all to pass this thing to him, how am I suppose to do while I'm waiting for my work permit and greed card, since I'm going to be such a useless, no work and no money almost a year. He's so depressed and sad now. Even I tried to cheer him up and figured out about this problem, but he still feels the same.

Only I know is I love him and I want to spend my life with him. But if I go there I'm going to be a trouble for him for a year. I just feel like I should stay here, and live with my real world. I don't know what to do. I need your help on this…

I just get the feeling that it's been recent that it was discussed on her part, and even now she doesn't seem to have any idea how much he earns. That, to me, is of a deep concern on how this couple has communicated with each other. Whether it is too much additional expense for her fiance to handle isn't for me to judge, but the timing and the lack of discourse between the two is apparent. To be about to marry and have so little information about such an important aspect of their lives together doesn't bode well if these details are not discussed in great detail, and now, and certainly decisions made before a move to another country and marriage.

PJ

Let's not forget how easy it is to judge and how hard it really is to understand the relationships of other couples (or even your own relationship, for that matter). For that reason this forum may also not be the best place to seek advice on what are essentially highly personal issues. On the other hand it's a good place for practical advice, like the fact that most immigrants get their EAD cards within three months of filing for AOS.

Yes it probably would have been better for the couple to discuss the financial aspects of their relationship earlier. But who knows why that hasn't happened-- money is a bit of a taboo in many cultures and for many people. And I don't think there's a reason to assume there's something "fishy" going on. The OP feels uncomfortable-- and perhaps appropriately so, but it's easy and not too helpful to just tell her she simply should have brought it up earlier.

For what it's worth, I do know people in Europe and the US who are financially supporting their parents. I would definitely support mine if needed-- and given how much my parents have always done for me it would be an honor to help them. Same for my husband's parents. Of course it's easy to say that when I know I probably will never be in the situation, and I do think that being able to take care of yourself financially is one of the best things you can do at least in Western countries-- a lot of complications enter the relationship when parents are financially dependent on their children and it puts huge pressure on these children and their families.

As an aside, I have to say I'm a bit tired of generalizations -- which thankfully I haven't seen too often here at VJ -- about how great it is to have a spouse from a particular country (as in, your future husband is lucky to have a Thai wife). It's wonderful to be in love with another individual and sure, some countries are better vacation destinations than others and part of the reason why you may fall in love with a person may be that you have some connection with or affinity for that person's country of origin. But it just seems a bit simplistic to say someone's nationality in and of itself makes that person a wonderful spouse, and such thinking is often based on stereotypes that don't do justice to the complexities of each individual.

Sorry I'm a bit grumpy and probably shouldn't post.

To the OP: best of luck and I hope everything works out well for you!

Well said. I couldn't agree more...
Being from a particular country doesn't necessarily make you being sent from heaven

VERY well said!

Please explain: Do you, ALONE, now currently support your mom with $1200 per month in Thailand?

$1200 Seems like a lot of money for just basic food, living costs in Thailand (I am familiar with Thailand, HAVING LIVED IN BANGKOK).

What exactly what is 'YOUR THING" that needs supporting? This does not make sense or explain.

I'll be honest that $1200.00 is a lot of money to send home every month even by US standards. Please keep in mind 98% of married people in USA, both husband and wife need to work to live in USA. It is not cheap here.

One option is to marry each other and file for CR-1 visa. The process takes longer and you can stay in Thailand and support your family while you are waiting for visa approval. Then when you get CR-1 visa and when you come to USA, you will get work permit 4 weeks after arriving.

It also seems strange that the OP would expect her fiance to provide $1200 a month on no notice, for what she believes would be about a year but has no savings to contribute to the situation.

Too many people from other countries believe that we have tons of money here. Well maybe compared to other countries we seem rich, but they haven't seen the cost of living here either. My husband was shocked and amazed at what we pay for food and bills, and I have relatively few expenses compared to most.

This youngest thing has me baffled however. So what if the youngest is born with some form of disability and cannot work? What if the youngest dies? This may seem like a noble culture to support your parents in their older years, but why isn't is shared between all of the children? Didn't the parents raise them all, and don't they all owe it to them? What happens if the youngest can't do it, do the older kids tell their parent tough Sh!#? In my husbands culture everyone pitches in to help because no one would want to see their mother do without. Yes I know.....its a culture thing.....just trying to figure it out.

To the OP: if this is something that has not been communicated, you should start now. Once it is discussed, then it would be a matter of whether the amount requested is feasible or not with condition that the foreign fiance(e) working or not working.

You might also want to delay your move if you need to work to make sure you leave your family behind with enough financial support.

Expecting the US fiance(e) to automatically assume this responsibilty is not the wise thing to do. Good luck!

It is quite normal in asian cultures for children to provide for their parents. How the responsibility gets divvied up amongst the siblings varies from culture to culture. However, what surprised me was the dollar amount of $1200 per month for Thailand. That seems rather high to me. Food is quite inexpensive and rents are usually a couple of hundred dollars a month (although posh digs will cost more).

Also, from my own experience living in Thailand and India, I am aware local people tend to have inflated ideas of "Americans and their wealth" and assume $1200 is not much money for us. They see us come on vacation, staying and spending money freely so it is an easy mistake to make. It could well be the family now says to their daughter, "you're marrying an American, so now we expect you to provide for us IN STYLE AND COMFORT." I have seen it with a few of my Thai girlfriends who have relatives in Europe and elsewhere.

That shouldn't be too much of a burden !!!!!!!! $1200 You must be kiding!!!!!

Compering to Europe with dollar value right now I found everything to be cheaper here then in Europe. Maybe if dollar value would go up the way it was before she wouldn't need $1200 but maybe 500$ which isn't that bad.