Salutations to you all,
I have been on this site for several months. I have argued, debated and laughed with a lot of you guys. My kids tell me "mom, you have no life, you sit in front of that computer reading and replying like you really know those people!" Well, he may be right...or used to be. Lately, I have been lurking and silently celebrating the accomplishments of a great vast majority of you all. And now, this is my story.
I met my husband, then cyber pal, online in december of 06. We spent hours online; sometimes 8-12, with minor breaks inbetween. And I mean hours leading to days, sometimes leaving messenger up for days on end, ya' know, just incase one of us comes online. Shooting the breeze, laughing, contemplating our futures (not together, but...ya' know). Then we started talking on the phone, while chatting online, in case the language barriers got in the way. Then we (or so I thought), fell in love. I was not the first one to say it or feel it, but I was like, okay, we can remove part of the brick wall. Well, hell, the whole wall crumbled down in his favor. Several months later (okay, a few months), I found myself engaged, on a plane to ghana, and "look momma, I'eyes marrieds Naah!" Well, fast forward...2 months into the marriage, I found myself on restrictions (the silent treatment) from afar due to my outspokenness. Well damn, no ones tolds meez I cants speak freely no mo'!" And from there, the african sewer #### hit the american fan. I suddenly became "disobedient" for having free will. I started to "ruin" his days if I "reminded him of something he was supposed to do (that we agreed upon), when I asked "honey, did you do so in so?" To which I got answers like "I am a Man, how dare you question my judgement as if I am one of your sons!!?" Now mind you, if he asked me for anything, anything (within reason, now don't get it twisted), I did my damnedest to git'er done and get it to'em! I was the new age postal service; "lickety split you'll get your ####!" And I was diligent in my new wifely duties, did not understand this new place I moved to called "compliance" but it was a nice mental neighborhood...so I thought.
Well, now...fast forward a bit more. I got a financial chance to recoup my losses from taking the trip to ghana and such, and so I informed my husband, "baby, I did not incorporate your bills into what I have to do here, due to I am still in the hole from last years {gala event}." I also spoke to him about some issues that needed to be addressed and clarified during the course of our new found nuptuality. And wow, to my amazing surprise, I was scolded, humiliated, and dehumanized. He told me things like, "how dare you speak to me of such a bullshit matter, and you go to hell, and I should have charged you to marry you with your FATNESS of upto 50 to 100 usd, and you can keep your money with your USELESS HALF, and look and see how God has brought you to africa and yet again in your miserable life you have humiliated yourself, and I shall have nothing to do with a fire and hell woman like you, and how can I think for looking at a bulldog such as yourself, and I am going to burn and destroy everything about me that reminds me of you.
And to that I said, hmmmf, I am useless, but I sent you money, paid your bills, upgraded your wardrobe and shoes, purchased you ankle socks (while yo' dumb ### tried to pull them up to yo knees), introduced you to the real bling and not that tarnished #### you got played for, I sent you food, introduced yo' funky ### to anti-perspirant (damn deodorant), I amazed yo' ### with soft soap body wash (a little dab a do ya), and cologne (and not a city in germany), let you sample french fries and ketchup, but I am useless. Okay, I'll be all of that and then some.
My FATNESS, well, well, well...studies show, men who are used to famines tend to choose robust women. They see that as a status symbol and a sign that they will not go hungry if she (the fat woman), accepts his hand in marriage. (Simple logic, I aint gone let my fat ### starve and if you wit me, you wont either). And well, the rest of his comments, I can't type what all I told him, hell; thats tripple X-rated. But, but, but, I am a christian. So after I put the "wes side" girl back on the shelf, I dawned my sanctified attire and repented, (boy, did I ever repent), and I wrote an apology letter to him explaining that I should not have allowed him to take me there, even though from a carnal stand point...he did deserve it! So, since that time up until now, I have not had any contact with that man. It has been close to three months and I am okay.
Now, the other issues jacking wit my psyche is the death of my cousin. He was murdered on tuesday of this week. If you google his name "aaren gwinn" you can read all about it. He was no saint and neither are any of us, but he did not deserve that. And, and, the story from the p.d. changes every day....
Now, the most challenging issue that UNO is facing is this...my grandmother, best friend, first teacher, inspiration, the air that I breath...is dying. She is terminal. Her heart is very weak. She went into the hospital 2 weeks ago (able to walk) for chest pains and body aches (heart attack). She can no longer walk, she is catheterized (kidneys failing), and breathing is a chore for her. She lost the ability to feed her self, hold a cup or pick up the phone when it rings. I watched her physical therapy session today and almost lost my mind. Watching my grandmother not being able to move her legs and steady herself to stand for 30 seconds. No, God, not my grandmother, the strongest woman I know. How could this be happening?? Why is this happening??? Can't I have just 1 more year to show her I love her and I need her. Why is the angel of death knocking on her door now?? Her time can't be up, she still has some teaching to do, some wisdom to impart and some love to give. The doctors gave 2 prognosis. The best case scenario, she can live less than six months, the worst case scenario, she can die in her sleep at any given time.
So yes, when it rains, got dammit it never stops pouring.
I am not looking for sympathy or pity, I just felt compelled to tell my story. So for those of you who silently wonder, "what happen to so in so?" They might be in the midst of their storm, so pray.
UNO

OH (((Uno))), I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. Please stay strong and stay close to God cause only He can lead you out of this stronger than you were before you got in.

I know no words to comfort you but I wanted to reach out and let you know that I heard you and you are in my thoughts.

Stay strong!

You have my sincere prayers. I am very sorry that you are going through so many things right now. My sister and I just lost our father last week, and I could relate to your words concerning your grandmother. But she is still here, and only God says when it is her time. Concerning your husband, I am so sorry that you experienced such a profound change from the man you thought he was to the man he "actually" turned out to be. I pray that your cousin rests in peace. God be with you, and my heart goes out to you.

Thank you for sharing your story UNO!!!!! You have my deepest sympathy for the passing of your cousin and the sudden illness of your grandmother. I can tell by the way you speak of your grandmother that you are truly tragically hurt by her sudden illness. Sometimes its better to let go instead of keeping them here suffering. She will be in a better place and will always be with you!!!!! You have an impecable gift of expression, especially as you talk about the issues you are having with your husband. He sounds like a real jack-of- latern right now and will one day realize that he made a very big mistake!!!!! No one deserves to be belittled and ridiculed, I am glad that you found this out before he got here to the states. You deserve and can do way better!!!!! I am keeping you in constant thought and prayers as you weather your storm

Robin

it happens from time to time, one problem after another, be strong god will open a window for you !

I am sorry for the things you are going through Uno.

Draw close to God and hide under the shadow of his wing and He will comfort you.

Sometimes when we are out on the stormy sea without a sail, tossing around with one wave upon the other, know that He is in the boat with you.
It may be one of those storms He won't calm but He will always bring you safely to the shore, even in rough waters.
There on that shore, His plan for you will unfold.

Love
Sabine

I will add to Omoba's post that only God knows the most perfect action to take at just the right time. Ask in faith and keep on asking. What God purposes, He will accomplish.

I already e-mailed you

UNO

I am very sorry about all of this. So sorry for the losses. I lost my Grandmother last week, ironicly on the same day and nearly the same time that VJs Kezzie passed. While I am sad that she is gone, I am comforted that she lived a long and happy life. I am available if you want to chat or something, you have my information.

Heather

I will keep you in my thoughts and my prayers.

-Crystal

Uno

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I thank each and everyone of you for the pm's and the posted messages.
This really means a lot to me.
My only desire is for the prayers to be sent up so that an outpouring of blessings can rain down.
Not just for me, but for everyone that you encounter, regardless of their outward appearances.
A person never knows when it is his or her turn to encounter their own personal storm and need the shelter of
"The Comforters" arms.
Once again, I am humbled and I thank you all.
UNO

Uno,

I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I do have to echo the sentiment that at some point in these terminal illnesses, you reach a point that you realize they will be more at peace when they pass. My mother passed last year after about 2 months of kidney failure and some other issues and at the end we all realized that her pain was simply too much. And as Omoba says, God's plan will unfold for you.

As for you husband, I applaud your strength.

If there is anything I can do for you, do not hesitate to PM me.

Judy

Uno - I am sorry for all the heartache you have and are facing. God will be with you, even though things may not turn out the way you want them to. HE knows what is best for us and will strengthen us in our trials.

I KNOW THIS IS PROBABLY THE LAST THING YOU WANT TO HEAR BUT....."TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS" STAY STRONG, LOOK TO GOD, HE HAS NOT FORGOTTEN YOU AND IN TIME YOU WILL SEE.

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

Uno,
My heart just sank to the pit of my stomach when I read your story. After I read it all that lump jump into my throat and has been stuck there since. I can't even imagine what you are going through right. Some of the insults you mentioned resounded in my ears as if I had lived them all over again. I just sent strong hugs to you today.

Thoughts and prayers coming your way! Keep your head up!!!

I had tears in my eyes after reading this (some were tears from laughter at the way you expressed certain things). I know exactly how it is to lose a close family member to a terminal illness. I lost my dad to stage 4 cancer. It will be hard on you when she dies, but it won't be sudden and you now have time to brace yourself for it. Obviously, she touched your heart and your life in the right spots so I know her lagacy will love on through you. I think what the police did to your cousin was terrible and wrong on their part. I hope they get in trouble for killing a man when they shouldn't have. He had his whole life ahead of him and I feel for the children. My condolences to you and his family.

The part that made me cry was the way that your "husband" treated you and belittled you. You are such a strong and powerful person and you did your best. You definately didn't deserve that kind of behavior from him. I really admire your strength and your courage and I'm very glad you shared your story and allowed us to support you through this. I'm also glad you were able to stand up and cut him out of your life, especially before he could come here and do more damage to you and your soul. I have you in my thoughts and I know things will be better for you. I'm always ready to talk at any time.

Hey sister girl! You are really in it now. Uno, I feel your pain and know how hard it is right now to see past what's going on. I challenge you to praise the Lord for the grace in your life. It's there. Focus on it and use it as your strength. We're all here for you whenever you need to talk.



P.S. your husband has a mental illness?

Hey Chis, it was not my intent to have this impact upon you or anyone else. I was just merely stating the events as they occurred in my rational mind. And regardless of what he has said about me or too me, he is or wants to be all that he says I am. It was all said out of jealousy and meant to tear me down. To bad, so sad, he did himself a disservice. I also sent copies of everything he said to my sister in law (and she is like a daily reporter), she told everybody.


Hey L.L. If it were not for my colorful wit, I dont know how I would cope with all the global ignorance I have encountered from "ghana".
And please, dont no body start hatin'. All folks from ghana aint globally ignorant, I'm referring to "UNOz" ignaramous.

Hey Zainab, my husbands current state of mind is yet to be discovered or named, so calling him mentally ill is an insult to those of us who are legitimately mentally ill.

I do wanna thank everyone for the prayers, encouragement and PM's.
Once again, you all have no idea what this means to me.
I am truly humbled.
UNO

Uno, I was asking seriously. The way you describe the turn around sounds like he could be mentally unstable. He wasn't using you for a green card obviously. But why love turn to scorn? Seems something out of kilter in him. Wondering if he has an untreated illness.

I never thought about that, but that is a good point that you brought up.

You know, and this is all b.s. aside. I was not joking.
There is something wrong with his current state of mind, and I don't believe it has been discovered or named in his country or he does not "claim" the diagnosis. Hell, he told me the doctor that did my tubal but left me with my menses was practicing witchcraft on me.
check it...his theory is: surely I can still have a child, I still have a period, so she whoo-dooed me. There is more lunatic verbage I could give you, but enough is enough.
He does not believe in apologizing for his indescretions, he says apologies go to God, not man, he praises God one moment and scorns the next, claims he is a "wisdom man, oracle, or mega star" depending on the strategic settings of the constellations and which way the tides roll, and has the nerves to prophesy; but when they don't come to pass, he says " I am just a messenger."
Now mind you, his behaviour was not this erratic before we got married. But 2 months into it, and all hell broke dee' fux loose on me. I did notice he could be difficult at times, but he was never abusive towards me prior to our marriage.

That's what I was sort of thinking. I wonder what happened. Only cause I'm nosy. He's so far away, that dealing with his illness is just about impossible. I also find that many people in Ghana don't see mental illness as a "treatable" disease. Especially, those who have it. It's just something to live with. Which is hard when it's someone you love and certainly a disservice to those that are ill. In your situation anyway, it comes down to how far committed into the situation you are, and protecting yourself and your children from what can become very dangerous left untreated. No one loves you like you love you. Take care of yourself. Pray him up to the Saviour and hopefully everything will work out for him.

So listen, knowing that he will probably be out of your life now, why do you think he was placed in your life? Is there something you can take from the experience?

I'm so sorry.

I am so sorry that you had to experience something so horrible. This is a lot to deal with, I pray for peace and happiness.

I am so sorry that everything is happening at once like this - just know that you will get through it... I wonder if your husband is bipolar - my brother dated a woman who had this disorder and as he said 'one minute she was your friend, the next she was your enemy.'

May you find the happiness which you deserve.

Hola Uno,
You know I know the out of kilter thing very well. Zaina you are so right! It is so hard to tell if your being used for the green card when there are other emotional issues present. I can go on forever on this subject, but Uno I think you are in a perfect position to look at the situation "before" he gets here. I so wish I had that insight before the emotional tsunami arrived in my home and began destroying us. I can't begin to express in words what it is like living with someone who arrives here undiagnosed and is then diagnosed while the whole family thinks maybe it is Ju-ju in America that caused it. Even with the overwhelming evidence that the behavior existed before it is still an uphill battle to go against "some" traditional beliefs. We are often exposed to look out for the scammer and the grifter but not realizing that mental health is something else we should be aware of. The language and cultural difference sometimes delays the "red flags" that appear, but the pain is still the same Uno. I feel your pain to the bottom of my soul. Whatever mood changes your SO has, it is not you. Truly it is not because of you.
Hugs
Chispas

to Zainab:
because the devil is busy girl , dont cha know???? my grannie tells me all de time, the devil can answer prayers too, dats why u need to try the spirit by the spirit.
to everyone else,
Once again, I have been humbled by everyones thoughts, words and prayers. I have received more positivity from complete strangers whom I shall can angels than those that know me personally. I love the spirit that flows forth from all of you and I cannot thank you enough.
UNO

Well, this is an update on my rain, my cousinz funeral was may 18, 2008 and his family laid him to rest.
I did not attend the funeral due to very high emotions surrounding his untimely departure.
As of yet, we still dont have all of the conclusive evidence, just more speculation.
I am waiting for the last to episodes to play out in my life...my grandmothers situation and the finalization of the death of my marriage.
To everyone reading this, whom ever you love, tell them each and every day, and follow those loving words with loving actions.
Telling them tomorrow may just be too damn late.
Take care and love one another.
UNO

Uno,

You and your family are in my prayers. You are so right about telling the ones you love that you love them everyday! Please take it easy and stay strong!