The various quirks of loving a man/woman from the Balkans.

Talk amongst yourselves.

I couldn't think of anything when I first posted this, but some things just came to mind:

1- he owns like 3 shirts and 2 pairs of jeans, compared to my 50 shirts and 10 pairs of pants
2- his clothes must be an expensive name brand, because he believes they are 'better quality'
3- everything he wears must be neatly pressed and there must not be one speck of lint on it, or it is 'disgusting'
4- it is very important to him that he is identified as being catholic, even though he knows next to nothing about the religion, nor attends church
5- he is definitely NOT afraid to speak his mind and will physically fight someone if he feels it is necessary, all in the name of 'respect'
6- police and other authority figures are like a joke to him
7- he thinks that he can talk his way out of anything
8- he is extremely proud of being albanian, yet makes fun of his country with almost every mention of it
9- nothing is more important than family

HAHA... I must laugh about the 3 shirts and 2 jeans thing...

When Mexhit "moved" here, he had ONE bag... and it included 2 pairs of pants and just a few shirts. And his only pair of shoes were the ones he was wearing. I am very low-maintenance, but he made me feel like I had a lot of stuff!

It still makes me sad to think that he was still here just a short time ago...

Thanks for starting the thread, Suz... I'll try to add what I can.

I'm low maintenance as well, but next to him I just feel like a materialistic American!! If you really think about it though, my 10 pairs of jeans cost 20 bucks each, and his 1 pair cost 200, so we're pretty much even

A lot of Turks have one or more of these ethnic backgrounds...should include Turkey on this thread.
My Turkish born MIL is Bosnian/Macedonian.

Dito to everything, but it is really poverty driven. My husband now has a lot of clothes and complains he needs more. He has gotten over spending a lot of money on everything and bargin shops for everything. We have 3 cars all choosen by him (We haven't been able to sell the SUV he insisted we buy when he got here a little over a year ago).

Mine is hot headed and yet can turn around and be the sweetest man you ever met. Childhood family and friends mean everything and he laughs when I call someone I've met a few months a friend. A girlfriend and I coined a new phrase of tier one, two, and three friends since for him a friend is only someone you've known your whole life.

He praises Albania constantly and we have bought several t-shirts for him to proudly wear around the States praising his country. We drove around with the Albanian flag proudly displayed on our convertable the day Kosovo declared its independents. But asked if he wants to live there he quietly says no.

Let's not forget that they want you to wait on them hand and foot. He has no problem coming into the 21st century and letting me work for good money,but that doesn't mean I should give up my wife's work of making his traditional coffee and cooking all his meals, etc.

They are hard to put up with sometimes, but easy to love.

Susie -

Thanks for starting the topic! I am laughing. About the shortage of clothes. I am nervous when my fiance comes and sees all my stuff!! He is going to think I am crazy! He is into clothes and has his fair share. I am happy he realizes all the "designer stuff" sold over there are fake and not real. He knows how much they would cost if original. When I was there I saw Diesel jeans and was wow they are so cheap, I am going to get like 10 pairs! He just looked at me and was like why is she so excited for these jeans. I explained to him how much they cost here and he was like they are all fake! Yes and his mother was ironing his clothes too.....and asked me if I needed anything ironed.

QUestion - What is this expectation of waiting on hand and foot? How are they communicating this? I don't get it? Am I being naive? I can't see my fiance expecting this. He says he has never asked his mother to wait on him or get him anything. He feels bad bothering her. I know how old school guys are but when both people work it is different than in Albania / Kosova. Most of the females do not work outside of the home, so the roles are different. But it is not an Albanian thing, I have friends married to American men who expect the same!!!!

consider it added!!! join in the fun!!!

i felt the same way before he came here...when i would visit him in italy he would always cook wonderful meals (usually the two of us together, but he knows how to cook well on his own too), he always ironed his clothes, made the bed in the morning (who does this??? lol)...i thought that it would be so easy when he came here, that we would share all of the household duties, etc...wrong-o...he will cook for himself when he is alone, but if i am home, it is expected that i am to cook dinner...even if we both have worked all day, it is not really a question, it is just expected, like it is my job or something....he will never clean the dishes either, unless, he is cooking just for himself (when im not home)...if we are there together, it is expected that i will do it...this has resulted in much arguing, and he always says 'oh just leave them and i will do them tomorrow'....i will not accept this, because i hate leaving a sink full of dishes, so i end up doing them ALL THE TIME....grrr he has the utmost respect for his mother and also doesnt ask her for anything from her, but the fact is that she does everything anyway, so he doesnt have to ask! i couldnt help but feel a little sad for her when we were eating dinner at her house and she was not even able to sit down and eat for more than 5 minutes because she is waiting on everyone hand and foot...she is a perfect albanian mommy, and that is what most albanian guys expect from their wives too...like creel said, we can work and all that, but the household is still the woman's domain in their eyes...generalizing of course, but that is my experience

i guess this will come with time lol



hot headed is definitely a good description but in all seriousness, he really is the sweetest boy i have ever met...i feel like the role his mother played in his life has really shaped how he treats me...he tells me how she taught him to treat a woman and not be superficial, etc etc he is also really affectionate, much more so than the american men i have encountered in the past


to both of these

Ladies,
I don't want to barge in on your balkan area discussion. But I just had to when I read the first part about brand name clothes. This must be a eastern european thing also! I remember waiting for my husband (then fiance) to arrive at the airport, waiting for 2 big suitcases.... he came with 1 and only a couple clothes in it! I asked him if he really planned on living here, or if this was a vacation!!! Have no doubt, the couple jeans & shirts were all super duper brand name and each cost $150+. I thought, ok, so he has a smaller wardrobe. Now lets move the story down to 1.5 yrs later... to make even with my large clothes selection, he's increased his too... never going away from the super brand names though

Family comes first also. And you cant call anyone a friend unless you grew up with them or know them for 10+ yrs. Everyone else is just an acquaintance.

I lived for over 2 months with my husband in Italy and he worked full time and I was in school so I had time to do more things and even then we had disagreements on who should do what. One day when he came home I had said I was bored and he asked why I didn't iron his clothes if I was bored. I told him I didn't like to iron. His response.... How can you not like to iron, you are a women!!!!!!

Once in America he did nothing around the house even though before he came he agreed to be the "wife" until he got a job. Once we got married it was an immediate change. I was told I could no longer talk to any male friends, even those that had been invited to the wedding!!! He doesn't do anything and gives me the cold shoulder or the no talking treatment if I don't do it.

Maybe you will be lucky and see no changes in him, but I can tell you that in my experience a wife is suppose to act different then a girlfriend or fiancee.

I would come home at lunch from my job and if I didn't fix his lunch he would be angry. We have evolved now to where he does his own lunch and I do dinner. He will put dishes in the dishwasher and start it and he mows the lawn.

oh yes, women enjoy ironing clothes, its what they do fun

yea, i had the same experience where he agreed to do the house work when he first arrived here because he wouldnt be able to work...of course that didnt happen, maybe he cooked dinner twice and made the bed in the morning, that was the extent of it lol i have guy friends and he seems okay with them as long as he knows them and what not...hes jealous, but he just needs to deal with it...i have certain friends that i will not lose, because they are like brothers to me...i hope he doesnt change about this once we are married...lord only knows............

glad to see youve at least had some improvement though we gotta live with what we got, right?

i would just like to add how ridiculously women are portrayed in the media over there............the music videos?!?! a typical example :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_yvlfIyzmQ

Yeah well hopefully they will change with time.......how do you guys deal with the inlaws and stuff? I know they are far away but have there been issues or expectations

Susie - I see on your profile you set a wedding date! Congratulations!!!

That is another thing how did you guys decide on wedding plans? either to have one here or there or both?

thanks we are both pretty bad at planning, because we are very 'go with the flow' types...but yea, we are thinking about that date, nothing is written in stone though

we will go out to a mediterranean restaurant here in brooklyn, with some family and friends (very small) and whenever we get to visit albania next (december or spring depending on ap status), we will have a bit of a celebration there as well

my in-laws are wonderful...i love each and every one of them, they are the sweetest, and i have never had any issues with them...they have been very accepting and open from day one...i know that i am very lucky

New girls on the brand name clothes...
They're fake.
The brand names that are available in Kosovo and Albania all come from Turkey. My husband's uncles own a few "Dolce and Gabanna" as well as "Armani" shops in Kosovo. They told me about how in Istanbul and other cities are Turkey it is full of foriegners from Eastern countries buying fake goods to take back to their countries.

My husband doesn't expect dinner for the most part, but considering that he works construction, he is more exhausted than me managing and doing office work for the day.

He doesn't like me sweep. He gets frustrated at my cleaning skills. I don't think that they're up to par with his, so most of the time we end up fighting about how I supposedly don't know how to sweep or clean.... but he finishes it so ... :-)

I love how he thinks he can fix anything, and is perplexed by how little I see my family and how small it is.

They have big beautiful families that kiss and pinch you all the time right? In Kosovo I felt like a Princess.

In-laws are no problem. They worship their son and by extension me. Although daughter-n-laws are suppose to take over all the chores since I visit for only a week at a time they wait on me like a queen. I did bring gifts the first time I met them.

We had a big traditional Albanian wedding ceremony before he got his visa. We just didn't register it with the governement so it wasn't legal and didn't mention it when he was interviewed. I don't even know if anyone but his parents knew it wasn't legal. Once we had the interview date scheduled I reserved a church for two different dates (My cousin was the minister so they allowed it). We didn't hire a photograper or DJ so the multiple dates wasn't a problem planning and once he got here we chose the closest date. I think we actually spent more on the 4 day Albanian wedding then our 4 hour American wedding.

wow, 4 day wedding!! thats awesome...what did you guys do??? what is a traditional albanian wedding like? how does it differ from an american one?

Traditionally it is Thursday through Sunday, but we had to have our Wed - Sat since I had to go home. The first three evenings the groom's family go to his house and party and the bride's family goes to her place (I stayed with his family since I had no one in Albania).

On the last day you wear traditional wedding attire (White dress/Black Suit) and the Groom's family gets together in the morning and parties a little and then they go to the Bride's and pick her up and they all go somewhere together (ie park, hall, etc. I had to hide in the bedroom a few hours since I was suppose to be at my families so I can't tell you what they did)

Then you have a big reception with food and dancing. When the party is over you are married. No actual ceremony takes place. In reality you can just go register as married with the Government without any service at all. We just didn't register, so it wasn't legal.

sounds like a party!!!

we should do one of those when we go to albania

lol this thread is pretty funny, and i can totally relate to so much of it!
my husband is Albanian and when we were first married (we were married here in albania where we are still living together until he gets his visa) we lived with his parents a while. And it is true, there is some belief among men that women actually enjoy doing all the housework and ironing! One time, for example, his father asked me to iron his clothes for work. I was doing it, and he said, but I don't want you to do it if you don't want to.. .Just if you would like to!! lol
Also my husband said that he would help in the house once we got our own.. because of course under his parents roof he really didnt do any housework. his mother, like the traditional albanian mom, did everything. however, now we have our own house and he hardly helps me at all. once in a while he does but... It has caused much arguing. He washes dishes occasionally now though... So I think he's getting better.
He didn't know how to cook, but I am slowly starting to teach him, however, at first he didnt even want to learn.
It totally must be a culture thing.

How do you like living in Albania? My fiance asks me if I could live in Kosovo. I am like yeah but I think I would get bored if I did not have a job and just doing housework everyday day in and out...At least he is trying but don't let his mother see him doing dishes she might have a heart attack......

When I went to visit Albania the first time, my husband (then Fiance) had been living with his parents for about 2 months while he waited for his interview. One day when it was just the two of us at the house I asked for some cake. He jumped up to get it for me (This was before our Albanian ceremony so he was still on his best behavior) and then he paused and looked at all the kitchen cupboards. He had no idea where the plates were!!!! This is the house he had spent his childhood in and where he had lived for 2 months without a job, so he was there everyday, but had no idea which cupboard plates were stored in.

I've seen his male cousin almost drop a glass when his sisters didn't get there quick enough with the tray to collect it and I've seen daughter-n-laws cook and serve a whole meal only to leave the room when we all ate.

We have a long and interesting fight ahead of us girls:-)

yea, i think this comes up at least once a day...last night i was falling asleep as we were finishing eating our dinner (i was exhausted from work, planning a wedding and planning a move), and so he actually took our plates into the kitchen and cleared the table ...i know that he didnt wash any of the plates though, that would be just too much to ask...ill let you know if they are still in the sink when i get home tonight

Did your fiance's speak english before coming here or are they learning now? How is learning english going? Have anyone tried the cd's or ESL classes? What do you recommend? I sometimes slip up and say things in english to my fiance and he will repeat it back to me....I start laughing because of the accent....and him saying a few words in english.....

Has it been difficult learning english for them?

it has been pretty difficult for gazi, because he is not the type to sit down and study with a book or something...he went to one free english class here that is provided by our public library...he liked it, but he got a job shortly after that and had to stop going because the schedules were conflicting...his ead stamp will expire soon, and we are moving to a new city, so he will be unemployed for a while (until he gets his ead card), so he will be going to a free english class in our new city...the class is four days a week, 3 hours a day

my sister also purchased him a cd-rom course which is called berlitz...he just got it a few days ago and hasnt tried it out yet...there are lots of albanians and italians here in nyc, so he has been able to communicate with them, but unfortunately, in my opinion, he hasnt really learned all that much english, considering he has been here for over two months...i guess i think that because i tend to pick up languages fairly quickly, and really really enjoy learning them....hes just different in that way

hopefully living in indiana will help because he will have more motivation to learn due to the lack of albanians in that area...we shall see

and oh yea, the accent is very cute

Yes, I can see not liking books and taking the time to read them. When I visited my Fiance we bought an english -albanian dictionary. He has not looked at it once!!!!!

My fiance also speaks German so I am hoping it will help with picking up english quicker. I have noticed some word are the same as in english. I don't hang out with too many Albanians so he will mostly be immersed with english speaking people unless he gets a job working with Albanians.....which than he will not learn much english there.


I was thinking about purchasing the Berlitz or Rosetta stone but I am not sure if the cd's will be helpful or not. There are Albanians in Indiana so don't be surprised if they find eachother......

Good Luck with your move!

It's ok living here in Albania, but I have had some really hard times. Mainly because we live in a very small town and I have nothing to do! I am used to having a job and having a car and thats been hard. THe language has also been difficult. I don't have a teacher and mainly have taught myself. My husband doesnt like to sit down with me and teach me from a book which is how i learn the best. He's good at practicing talking with though, which is also good. But anyways that said, I am mostly hanging out with my husband's guy friends who speak english. not many girls here that i know speak english it seems.. If they do, they have all moved to different, bigger cities. But things are getting better, as I have been here a year, I am able to speak and understand a lot more and this has helped. I am teaching english to Tili and 2 of his friends. I tried opening an english course in the town but didnt have much luck with that. It is also difficult here because its a small town and there are especially not many things for girls to do. Guys can go play pool or soccer, but girls are not allowed to do these things. Or its not so much not allowed, but its just the unwritten rule, you know? Even though its been hard I think its good in the long run that I've been here to understand and get a taste of Tili's culture.
Haha i have to laugh at the part about his mother seeing him wash the dishes. I remember when we were still living with his parents and his mother or sister saw him washing the dishes, they stopped him and told him he didnt know what he was doing.
As for english, my husband did study english in school and 1 year in university but mostly he has learned through speaking with me. He isn't good about studying, and sitting down with books but he seems to learn fast and pick up things from english movies he watches or just us talking together.

I know what you mean. When I was in Tirana, we went out to eat around lunchtime, and I asked Gaz where the bathroom was in the restaurant. He said that it's over there, but there are only men here. I was really confused and didn't understand what this had to do with me going to the bathroom. I looked around the restaurant and saw that I was literally the only woman in a restuarant filled with people. I thought that was really strange, and I don't think I have seen anything quite like that in the USA. I also remember going to a pool hall where the same was true. FYI - I marched my happy american @ss into both of those places and used the bathroom. Why shouldn't I be able to??? I just don't get it.

My husband already spoke three languages and picked up English quick. Within a few months he could carry on a simple conversation. He has been taking ESL classes at the local Junior College. That has really helped with his grammer and spelling. It is a non-credit class so there is no homework. I am sure he wouldn't do it if there was any.

He has been here 1 1/2 years and still has no job!!! He has met a few other immigrants in his ESL class and finally this last month started working security on Saturday nights for his friend's dad. There are no other Albanians in CA. The 2000 census put the total population in CA at around 4,000 and we can't find any in our town.

The most help he has been was this last week. We bought a house and he has been cleaning it and moved all our stuff over while I was at work.

I can't even imagine living in Albania. I have visited three times for a week each and this last time I couldn't wait to get back to central heating. Some day we might buy a vacation property on the coast, but I'd like to wait until they have reliable electricity to spend any time in the summer there. He has gone back twice since he has been here. He was planning on going in August to visit, but the tickets are so expensive that time of year. He hit me up the other day to see if he didn't go back in August if we could do a week beach vacation here instead. He always complains of missing home, but then he said his month visit last August was too long and this year he might not even go. I can't figure him out at all:-)

Hey All --
Have not been on awhile. My fiance will be here in 3 weeks. I am not sure how to bring up this topic but did anyone talk about with SO on how to handle the family and sending money back home to help out the family.

I was wondering how everyone handled this or if it is even a problem. We have talked about it in a round about way but I don't if I am being unreasonable in my thinking. I understand it is a poorer country with little oppoutunities and stuff.. But what is reasonable and unreasonable? Maybe I am a spoiled American girl that is used to bein independant and not having to need help from others but I do have a job and blah blah.

Just wondering how everyone handles or how each couple decided on what to do without sounding like a selfish person.