Hello all. I'm writing once again for some advice and hope that someone can help me out. After 8 months of being separated and waiting for his visa, after going to the interview and passing everything with flying colors, after arriving here in the US and finally being together... I found out that the man I was engaged to was a stranger.

Once here, half the time he was the man I remember; and the other half, he was controlling and manipulative. He also used my computer daily while I was at work to download VERY inappropriate things and to also seek out other women in Minneapolis.

I am broken-hearted... we (or maybe was it just I?) worked so hard throughout this visa process to ensure that everything would work out with the paperwork, the embassy, etc... and of course sometimes relationships don't work out, but this is all just too much. I discovered all of these things on Saturday and he was on a plane tonight, by my choice and his as well. (He still won't admit he did these things although the evidence is all on my computer... he says I've made it all up and that I'm a terrible person for being so judgmental.)

I am wondering--- I know with the I-134, I signed saying that I have all financial responsibility for him. Is that only when he is in the US?? Now that he's on his way back to Europe, am I okay or still liable? Am I safe to just let this visa expire, knowing that he can't re-enter the US? What are the necessary precautions I need to take??

I can't believe this is all happening. Please, someone, say something.

I'm not sure what advice I can give you, but I am terribly sorry this happened to you...you are in my thoughts and prayers!

I too am sorry you had to go through this. I know you won't find any comfort in this, but it's best you found out now than after your wedding.

As far as the financial responsibility goes: I don't know for sure, but I can only assume that you would be responsible for him here in the states. Our country only cares if he were to become a burden on the system here and probably couldn't care less what he does in his home country. I believe you're financial responsibility has ended, but you should contact immigration to inform them of your situation just to make it official.

Maybe someone else here has better advice for you.

Janna,

I'm really sorry things didn't work out with your and your fiancée but be glad that you discovered the real person he is now and not years down the line.

As far as the visa process goes, you are only financially responsible for him while he is in the States. Since he left already, your responsibility has come to an end. Also, he won't be able to come back to the States since he already used his K1 visa to enter the US, it's not a multiple entry visa, so you'll be ok.

Diana

Yes, I agree. He cannot come back in on that K-1. And, your responsibility was only here in the states. You are good.

One word of caution, don't let him snow you now with sweet words LD. I know someone who's fiance did the exact same thing, only they married right before he went back, without AOS. She is now filing a K-3 to get him back here. IMO, it's not a good idea.

I am sorry sorry. Please take care of you.

i am very sorry this happened to u.........i dont know much about the support issue but i think that ur only responsible when he is in the states.......i will add u to my prayers.........

Once he's gone, he's gone. K1 is good for one entry to the US only.

I-134 is not binding on the US Citizen, so has no impact now whatsoever. As far as US Government is concerned, you are completely rid of him.

Don't let any of this add to your worries as you pick up the rest of your life and move on.

I would notify USCIS. Are you sure he got on the flight? Where was his stopover? I am sure he did not have a direct flight to his country. He could have gotten off the plane in New York or somewhere, which he has every right to do. He might still be here. So I would notify even though the visa will expire he might decide to stay and you will be responsible I believe to some point. How was he controlling and manipulative?

Well at least you woke up early and realized what he is all about. I give you alot of credit for standing up and making a decision on all of this. I know it is difficult and heartbreaking to have gone through all of this and have it turn out this way. But on the other hand things happen that are out of our control and we just have to pick up and move on...

Keep in touch

Some advice:

Dear Janna:

I am sorry about your situation. It is not your fault this happened. Many people are fooled by men/women who perpatrate marriage visa fraud. The worst case scenerio was he was using you for a visa, the best case scenario was that this man would have been manipulitive, controlling, filandering, downloading porn and making your life hell.

It is good you were able to get him out of the country on the fiance visa. Let the fiance visa expire. The affidvit of support is only in effect if your fiance had stayed in the USA.

Follow your gut instincts in this situation....

I know you're sad now, but count your blessings you found out now instead of after getting married.

Best wishes, Tina

I am sorry to hear that, but at least you discovered who really or what kind of person he is I hope everything will be okay...

Yes, I am sure he got on the plane. I was not going to just leave him at the airport and let him walk. I requested a gate pass from the airline, went through security with him and watched him board. Also, the flight was Minneapolis to Amsterdam direct, so he couldn't have gotten off anywhere.

So he's gone... it's all over. This thing I worked so hard for and dedicated myself to has ended. I am lost and devastated. But I should not think like that, what I could have done differently, etc. This is the man he is, and nothing could change that. I just need to breathe and move forward. This, too, shall pass.

Thank you so much, everyone, for your support. It means the world to me.

Oh my! I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You did good. So many women would've ignored these things. You're a strong woman.

Good for you. You deserve a big hug. Click to view attachment Now treat yourself to something special. A day at the spa. A nice massage. Some new shoes. You've probably saved yourself from some real grief. Congratulations.

oh, I'm so sorry; what a horrible thing to have to go through after all your waiting and hoping and planning

others here are right... you've saved yourself a load of trouble by recognising straight away that this would never have been a good situation for you... major kudos to you for taking action and dealing with it! I'm sure you don't feel great about it, but you hopefully will, in time

I wish you all the very best

Am I reading correctly that your fiance just arrived April 12?

I saw that too. Dunno about anyone else, but I couldn't send the "love of my life, my future husband" back to his home country because of some mood swings(read adjustment type behavior) and some 'very innapropriate' (read porn) material downloaded onto my PC. It would be time for a serious discussion to see how we fix the problem, but no him returning from whence he came after just one week her would not be an option at that early a stage. Just MO.

-P

Janna - I'm real sorry this happened to you. Its tough to pick yourself up after you've spent so much energy & time in the relationship to get the person here, and then as soon as they get here the bubble bursts and its not what you had expected. Think of it as better it happening now, then getting married, filing binding paperwork and then finding all this out. He's out, he's gone, your a strong woman. Better things await!

Mood swings? He told me on his 4th day here that I needed to change my friends because he didn't like them. On his 3rd day here (the day I went back to work), he looked at over 60 porn websites, and each day after was the same, over and over. And on his 6th day here, he started searching personal ads, and no I don't mean "man seeking woman for friendly conversation", I mean "findhornygirls.com" with the search criteria of "male, 26, seeking female 18-35 for SEX in Minneapolis".
And it's not JUST that... when I asked him about this, he became extremely defensive and denied the whole thing (even though we were sitting in front of the computer at the time) and told me that I was insane and making these crazy things up. He said he didn't want to marry someone with mental issues who would contrive such things and "judge" people in such ways. He told me that I was a terrible person with no morals. So basically-- he turned everything he is and pointed it at me. And I'm sorry, but I don't deserve that. I have given my heart and my soul to this man, and I don't need to be treated like this.
If you were to meet this man, you would probably think that he is kind, sweet, gentle, and a complete gentleman. I used to think this too. And believe it or not, part of me still does. He had me caught under a spell-- he could say the meanest, most degrading thing to me and 15 minutes later, I would be back in his arms, smiling and happy. He is so eerily charming... and when I think about all these things, I realize that I've heard similar stories from women who've been abused. Their husband beats the crap out of them and the next morning, everything is hunky-dorey. I don't know if he would have ever become physically abusive... and I'll never know. But I do know that the emotional abuse was enough.

So please don't judge me for "sending him away" after such a short time. This was supposed to be the "honeymoon stage" of our relationship. And if he is treating me this way now, how will he treat me 1, 5, 15 years down the road?

I believe I have made the right decision. And I appreciate all of you who are here to support me, not judge me.

I think you made the right decision, too, for what it's worth.

I think so too. So many people overlook early signs of abuse in a partner. You recognized them, and you listened to your gut before you married him. I'm sorry this happened to you.

I commented on his arrival not as a 'judgment' but as a question.

You may very well have made the correct decision.

In all fairness though, there usually is an 're-adjustment period', especially if you've been apart for awhile.

Thus my question.

Looking at porn is one thing... actively looking for other sexual partners in totally uncool and you shouldn't have to put up with that from anyone... kind of makes me wonder if he'd even been faithful to you while you were apart.

Never put up with emotional or physical abuse because it only gets worse with time.

Good luck with the rest of your life jannaxhitti and I hope you meet someone who is right for you.

And I don't think that kind of behavior has anything to do with a 'readjustment period' at all. Lots of our spouses have readjustment phases, but how many of them actively seek out dates for sex?

You absolutely made the right decision. Like you said, if he is treating you this way when the relationship is new, it would have only gotten worse, possibly leading to physical abuse.

His behavior when he arrived is totally unacceptable. The poster who said that looking at porn was possibly acceptable.... what the heck???? I doubt many women would be too impressed by their partner seeking out porn when they have just been reunited... or any time for that matter.

I admire your strength in getting out of the relationship now. A lot of women would have just accepted that treatment and hoped things would have gotten better down the road. They may have felt embarrassed or ashamed after all the efforts you took to get your fiance here. You did the right thing and you won't be sorry about it later.

Move on with your life and someone special will come along when the time is right. Someone that will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve.

Best wishes!!!!

I'm certainly not judging you. Everyone makes the decision that is best for them, and in the end that is the only thing that matters. I just commented that, were I in your place I would wait a little while longer....but then reading the further details you've written, I agree that you were certainly within all your rights to send him packing.
Given that this man was behaving this way from day one, it makes me think that this was not new behavior....and that this is probably his behavior back home. You just were not there to see it or be a part of it. In a LD relationship its easier to only show one side of oneself, because much of the interaction occurs over the phone, web-cam and short visits in-between.
I'm sorry that this man did not turn out to be the one for you. Take time for yourself and heal.

Good luck,
-P

I think you may mean me, and I certainly did not say that.
I said that downloading porn onto a personal computer is not reason enough for me to kick my man to the curb one week after he arrives here. If I've just spent the past year(or longer) trying to bring him here, and I find some porn on my PC...I will not immediately say "OK, its over." I would certainly be mad as he!! amd we'd be having a serious discussion about how he will never again do such a thing...but if this type of behavior is not something he would do, I may try to look at the greater context of the situation. New immigrant, homesickness, etc. etc, which may explain the behavior. Going by the OP's original post, I read it that the fiancee may have been having issues coping with his new life, surroundings and this is how it manifested itself. That was my opinion going from the more limided info provided in the original post.
As the OP gave further details in follow-up, I think she made the right choice, for herself and for her future.

Cheers,
-P

Eh. He seemed to be okay with leaving, too. Better to end it before one is married than wish one had. The OP is showing wisdom and guts.

OP, you're in good shape. The I-134 isn't legally binding, and even if it were, it would only apply to him while in country on the K-1. I can't imagine going through what you must be going through, but at least this isn't one of your worries.

Yes I also think you made the right decision! I pray you will get on with your life and find a wonderful man later .

It doesn't appear to be marriage visa fraud, or else he'd have put up a fight to remain here. I think, sadly, this is simply a case of a person who was unable to conceal his true character, and maybe one with some narcissistic inclinations. OP, I hope that with this door closing, another opens and the right partner for you steps through. Stay strong!

I definitely think you made the right decision. Besides, you weren't married to the man so that means you were still in the stages of getting to know the person you will marry. Luckily, his true qualities surfaced before you guys married. In honesty, it wouldn't matter how other people see your reasons for ending it. If it wasn't working for you and you felt you were being disrespected, then that's good enough. Not only did you try to discuss the issues, you gave the man the chance to explain himself. If he can't come clean to you while he's your fiancé, no chance in changing that when he's your husband. Good decision on your part. Here's hoping for a someone that really deserves you. Keep your head up.

I'm so proud of you for staying true to yourself and doing what's best for you.

I wish you much love and patience during this time of healing.

Best of luck to you now and always

Notify USICS and tell them you have called off the wedding and that you want to withdrawn the application on his behalf.

Your finacial responsibility is ONLY for him in the UNITED STATES and what you signed agreeing to such, only really comes into play when he tries to get Welfare or some other form of government funded benefit. Meaning, if the Government has to pay for him, they will come to you to get re-reimbursed.

I know I am new here, but in my experience in working with people in the area of Immigration to the United States, "love" was rarely the real reason, as in, the person with the most to gain is the person who gets to come to or stay in the United States. Sorry to be so negative about it, but its a reality.

He went home on a plane...he's gone.
She no longer has to worry about him.
Now, it's time to heal.

Yes I agree whole heartedly. This is a good thing it ended before something truly damaging could happen. My heart cries with you dear, what hurts th most is these relationships aren't like the ones we might have had before where you are with a person who is already here, who you don't have to do too much for, but here it is entirely different - HERE is a person who you worked months and years for, spent money for, given up family and friends sometimes, for, this is a person you loved beyond distance, sacrificed "easier" relationships for, more important given your HEART to. Believe me, I get it and I know everyone who responded does as well. We cry with you dear, this kind of thing is so painful it can break a woman but you wont do that. You will take this and tuck it away at the strongest corner of your BEING. take it as a thing that happened and it is a doorway to a much better place. right now its not necessary or even important for you to know where that place is, God will take you there, I promise you. Now take our love and prayers and open your eyes to tomorrow, there is literally a end to this ungrateful man...and because is is leaving, he is gone. let it expire and you do not have to worry about supporting him you did everything right and it takes a strong woman to do that!
I'm telling you within a few years this will all be a forgotten thing, you will keep with you all you have learned and the strength you have earned but a man who loves you genuinely for the person you are will not be hard to miss
right now you can cry, rant, everything...but pray too, this will help heal and yes it will be better

sending you my love and prayers
Tammy

I don't even know how I can thank you all for your responses and your support... These past few days have been like something I could have never imagined. I am feeling so many emotions right now--- relief yet remorse, liberation yet complete devastation. I know that this will come to pass... I will heal, and some day this will be a story I can tell that will be educational and somewhat amusing maybe... how could I have put all of myself into something and someone who turned out to be like this??? How could I not have seen the things I now see? Once I have taken a step back, things are so much more clear. There are red flags that I could have paid attention to long ago, but I chose to ignore them in the name of love. I know it is cliche, but "hindsight is 20/20".

The things you all have said to me over the past day have been invaluable and have literally kept me moving along. And I must move along, march forward... inside I know that what I have done is the best for me, but that doesn't necessarily make it hurt any less...

All I can say to all of you is thank you, merci, danke, tack, gracias, grazie, falmenderit...

I believe you've done the right thing.

I admire you for making a heartbreaking and difficult decision.

If you had the immigration experience you claim to have, you'd realize that she has signed nothing yet which gives her any legal financial responsibility.

If it hadn't been for the syntax, I almost thought it was Tito.

the same thing struck me

specially with the fun little final paragraph...

If only the words were bolded...

for a fun little cross-bred tito/zqt you mean? zqtito?

I'm so sorry for your experience, but if you privately talk to any of us Albanian wifes you will see that it is not out of the ordinary at all. I lived with my husband in Italy for over two months before I came home and applied for a fiance visa and he was very different when he got here and when we got married he really changed. The American women and the Albanian man is a hard sell as they don't believe after you are married that you should talk to any men other than family members, you should cook all their meals, etc. If you spent anytime with him in his own country you would have had some warning of the change just watching them interact with their own women I visited twice, but was still shocked on a few of the things he thinks).

That said, I am glad you had the guts to do what you needed to do. We've been married almost 14 months and he is just now starting to adapt and be less pushy (but then I've adapted too so he has less to push about). I would agree that if he went home without fighting it was probably not VISA fraud, but lack of cultural compatability.

Take care and be strong.

Good luck OP.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I agree with previous posters that it's best you found out before you got married. If you added his name to any bank accounts or credit cards remove his name asap. Give yourself a big pat on the back for standing up for yourself right away and treat yourself to something really nice- You deserve so much better than what he was doing for sure!

Well, I have to say I disagree completely. I am very sorry to read that your relationship broke down so quickly after he arrived here. My advice is contrary to all of the prior posts which say “forget him and move on with your life”. I think if you are both willing, and if you still believe the relationship can be salvaged, you should try to open up a line of communication with your (ex?) fiancé. If you sincerely believed that this was the love of your life, than you owe it to yourself not to give up so easily.

To give up after one week and one major argument, after all the time, money, and effort was spent in getting him over here, especially when it is common (and expected) that there is going to be an adjustment period for the new immigrant (which usually lasts a lot longer than a week), well let’s just say, it seems like a “heat of passion and the moment” decision on both of your parts.

Everyone has their own expectations of their partner, and what is deemed appropriate vs. inappropriate behavior, but basically from what I read, you got extremely upset about him “surfing the net” while you were at work. Obviously, I don’t know the details, but I can imagine that there is not a whole lot for him to do, 3 days after arriving into a whole new life for him, and if during the extreme boredom that he may have been feeling, all he did was look at some inappropriate websites, it doesn’t sound like the type of thing to throw the entire relationship away on, IMHO.

There is no way to have him come back over on that K1 Visa, so you will have to start the process all over again. Maybe, this will give you both a chance to openly discuss your differences and expectations of one another, and maybe be better prepared for the next round. Or not. At least, if it doesn’t succeed, you’ll know that you’ve given it your best effort, which I don’t think you can truly say that now.

I understand what you are saying but there are certain things that are unacceptable behavior. I don't think you can compare cooking, talking to others to joining a dating site. Yeah maybe he was curious maybe he just wanted to see what was on the site. Maybe it was harmless and if it was he should have admitted his mistake. I don't know but he denied doing those things which tells me he knew it was wrong. And if she was the one doing those things he would have prob done the same thing and told her to get out.

Not all Albanian men are as you are describing. Each person is different and should be judged individually and not by the culture. It is not the culture of Albanians to be marrying one women and than looking for others. In the Albanian culture that person is considered a lowlife, scumbag that has no respect. I don't see how being in the country would have helped or shown anything. You wrote your husband lived in Italy well did not realize how life is outside of Albania and that he needs to let go of his old world behavior and thoughts? Or is Italy like Albania?

I don't think he was committing visa fraud or else he would not have left the country. Maybe he is immature and thinks that behavior is normal? I don't think it was cultural compatability.

I think a new topic should be started discuss all the issues with being married / engaged to Albanian men or women. I think it would be fun and interesting. The people in MENA talk about this stuff all the time.

I don't think it was either.

I think it was a case of neither party knowing each other very well.

I think rebeccajo's right. Not every foible of a spouse is due to the exotic influence of their culture! Sometimes people are jerks all by themselves.

What he did was wrong (porn and lying) and that is probably based on immaturity......but I do think the culture has something to do with the other stuff. I have a hard time getting my fiance to admit he is wrong about anything AND they can be very jealous and domineering...and so can a lot of men from many other cultures. My father is the same way.
I visited my fiance in Albania MANY times and for LONG periods of time and there is just a cultural double-standard, period....like it or not.
I am not saying the petitioner did ANYTHING wrong, she did what was right for HER and that's all that matters. For any newcomer to America, there is going to be an adjustment period and probably a lot of misunderstandings and a lot of arguments. Coming to America doesn't make everything 'all better' and we need to ALL be ready for that. Making a relationship work is HARD work....still, we need to be mindful of red flags and try to figure out, early on, if they deserve attention and investigation or not. I've done my investigating and I feel comfortable moving forward by marrying this man.......I'm ready for the 'honeymoon period' and I'm also ready for my fiance to come here and probably act like a real @$$.........just like I did when I was over there and going through a lot of changes, being in a strange country, without transportation, without the ability to freely communicate because of a language barrier, missing my family, my home, etc. You have to go into this with your eyes WIDE-open. This website has helped me tremendously, not only with the visa-stuff, but in meeting like-minded people and sharing experiences. I have spoken to other women with Albanian fiances or husbands and I know what to expect.
I just wish things could have turned out differently for this petitioner. This process can nearly kill you and it must be devistating when something like this happens, despite your best efforts to find happiness and share your life with someone you love and who you thought loved you.
YES, LETS START A TOPIC FOR ALBANIA & THE BULKANS!!!! Great idea!!!

Culture shock, adjustment period, blahblahblahhhhhh. I'm so sick of hearing all of this. Come to America to be with the love of your life (supposidely) and be a MAN about it. Don't go searching on porn a few days after you get here and look for women to have sex with. I can't believe ANYONE would make excuses for that behaviour. I commend the OP for being as strong as she was and got rid of him before she made an even bigger mistake. Good for you, OP!!! I wish you luck in your decision in the future.