Hi everyione!

I just need your support. On May 4th I'm going back home. I've been here in US for year and 1 month, didn't get married (coz of his problems with his business). It's so hard, I have no idea what I'm going to do without him, for 5 years of being together he became my whole life! If I leaving we are done. I don't want to go through what I went through during this year twice. I will have to start my life from the very beginning...

Thanks for reading this, it really helps! God bless you all and good luck with your visas!

I'm very sorry
If you aren't happy, you have to do what is best for you.
I wish you much luck and happiness in the future.

I wonder if they will allow her to leave the US without causing problems with USCIS? Will TSA possibly question her expired visa and detain her for deportation?

Is it possible at all? I was hoping since I'm leaving by my own will they won't touch me. I know I already got 3-year bar and in June it'll be already 10 years. I've heard about possibility to go to prison if I'm cought. My fiance can go with me till very plane and if necessary he'll explain everything. He is also in military and it caused a lot of problems too. Do you think it'll work? If I am questioned I'll be questioned in US or I may have problems in Amsterdam (I'm changing plane there)?

I don't think that will be an issue, the problem would be to re-enter the US to a later time. If the OP came here on a K-1, after over a year and not filing for AOS, she has an overstay which would get her a bar.

tashyta, I wish you all the best for the future.

Hopefully if you show them your passport and it is not expired they won't say anything. It won't matter in Amsterdam.

I'd be surprised if you get detained for deportation as you're leaving of your own will.
I'm sorry to hear that things didn't work out for you, have you guys thought about counselling ?
The military lifestyle is not an easy one, so I understand about issues in that arena, but I see you still call him Fiance, are you guys still together? ...... 90 days to get married from getting a K1 can be pretty quick at times, especially when there is a military lifestyle to consider .... it's not like he works in an office, and I feel there should be some form of information pack that comes with the soldier when he wishes to settle down and find a permanent partner.
Military spouses have the hardest job in the world at times.

If you love him why don't you try to fix everything Tashyta.
Whatever the road you take, my best wishes are there for you.
God bless.

I DO love him and he sais he does too, but he behaves very strange. Right now I don't exist to him, only his problems do. Why you think I'm still here, I was trying to fix everything, I'm helping him with the business, but he doesn't do anything to help me with my problems. I'm just going deeper and deeper in my problems. That's why I think it'll be better if I leave and start dooing something with my life

The problem should be on re-entry, not in leaving. You entered legally, and you overstayed. Being out of status is unlawful, but not illegal, which means you'll incur a ban, but since you're leaving, there's no reason for them to detain you on your way out.

Amsterdam won't give you any problems with U.S. immigration.

If you love him and he loves you....then leaving and abandoning your visa is a mistake. I agree with you it is too much torture to wait for years seperated. If he can let you go, then it will be HIS BIG MISTAKE.

And I agree that you can not put your life in limbo to go through the same process again. Move on with your life.

Best wishes

I know! And I feel myself so stupid by giving him all this time, because he was promising me that everything would be fine and asked me to be patient. And what do I have for being patient? - 3-year bar. And I don't want to wait till 10-year bar. 3 is still better than 10!

Re-reading your profile I presume that your Husband is a Reservist in the Military and has a civillian job too, was he active duty at all? did he do time in a war zone? .... if so, you may want to read this

http://www.battlemind.org/spouse_battlemind.html#

By the way, symptoms of PTSD can show up years after, and can be quite odd and sometimes shocking if you're not used to it or aware of it.

If he's fine, this site is pretty good for getting relationships back on track

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

It's a bit intense, but I've seen it work a few times.

He is in NG and yes, he was in Iraq for almost 2 years, which almost ruined his business, that's why he has problems and huge debts. He sais he doen't want to drag me into his debts. I don't think anything will help us now. I already have tickets. I really don't know what to do. This situation with his business problms will last fot at least one more year.

You guys aren't married yet, right? Does he know of your plans to go home?

I commend you for making the decision that is best for you. Everyone can convince you to stay and do this or that. However, only you know what is best for you. Be strong

Sounds quite classic to me ..... sadly you probably weren't aware of this.
Has he been to the VA (Veteran's Association) ? They can help ..... it's a bit of a drawn out process, but they're trained to deal with this ... he needs help ASAP before its gets any worse.
He'll also be able to file a claim for compensation, which may help financially a little.

These guys are literally programmed at times to do stuff that you and I cannot even imagine .... when they come back into the real world, it blows their heads and they do their best to cope, but sometimes it all just goes a bit screwy.

If you love him, and I know it sounds mad .... get the ring on your finger today and file the AOS immediately .... you'll sure have your work cut out for you, but there are people that can help, and if you're married, you'll be included in this.

PTSD is not an easy journey to endure, and at times you'll want to quit, but if your guy is worth it to you ..... stand strong !!!! .... but get that ring and AOS .... business issues will just have to be gotten over with you 2 working together as a team.

Yes, he does know. He bought me a ticket home after millions of discussions. He was still trying to hold me here but at the same time he didn' do anything to really persuade me to stay.

Probably because his confidence is non-existant right now, he wouldn't know how to fight for you.

I told him million times that I'll be able to help him if I had rights here to lawfully work. He is really short of money and if I had job I would be able to pay bills at least, you know. But the process of filling paperwork after marriage takes time and money, he doen's have either one. So i have no idea what else I can do.

Personally I'd go with what I said above, as it sounds as though you really love him still .... if you leave, you already know that a 3 year ban is in place which will put another strain on your guys relationship.

You have 3 choices:

1. Stay, get married immediately and find the money somehow for AOS .... and work together through this .... no marriage is easy.

2. Return home and have a long distance relationship again, in the meantime you could get married and file CR1 in your final year of ban.

3. Leave all you've known for 5 years, wipe your mouth and walk away.

Sadly, the clock is ticking in your case ..... go with your instincts and not what others tell you .... but always look at what you may feel in the future ..... a years time ..... 5 years time etc.

I feel badly for you...

The one thing about true marriage and life partnership is commitment to each other. To help each other.

Yes, you should be supportive of him in his troubles and business problems. But, he should also understand your situation is serious and you need him to be supportive of you.

If he is only focused on his buisness and his problems and does not consider your immigration problems, then it may be time for you to move on.

As for his serving in Iraq and business debts....bad credit/bankruptcy can happen and people do recover from it if they rebuild their credit from scratch. takes a couple of years, but it is not impossble.

Nutty
Working in a Chapter 7, 11 Bankruptcy trustee firm.

Well, if it is a money issue...could you find a co-sponsor?
I sense that you are very split between your heart telling you that you still love him and want to be with him and your mind telling you that you hae to watch out for yourself and go back home.
I am very sorry that you are in this situation. I bet you didn't imagine it would be like this once you came to the US.
I have to say though, if you truly love him and are willing to help him through this difficult time (with the help of professionals), maybe it will b worth it to stay.

Do you think there is a chance to talk about him again about his problems? When I read he was in Iraq, PTSD came to my mind right away as well and there is help available if you seek it and if he is willing to accept it.
I know, a 10 yar bar is no joke compared to 3 years now if it really doesn't work out, but what if you go back and then you realize, it was wrong and you should have stayed?

I really don't know what I would do in your situation, so I am not advising you to stay or leave.

Maybe he feels insecure about your relationship because you can leave him any time. Maybe it would help him and motivatehim to work on his personal problems if he knows he has a wife standing behind him. I can imagine, that your conversations about you leaving him, made him feel under even more pressure than he has already with his business?

Obviously you have been patient with him for a long time, but I am not sure if you are fully aware of the problems he might have regarding PTSD!?
Maybe he isn't even aware of it, maybe confronting him about it might help him to accept help, geez, he would be one of 1000s with this problem...

I wish you all the very best. My husband is facing a deployment as well and it scares the living daylight out of me what it might do to him...

Under normal circumstances I'd agree, but we're not looking at normal circumstances ..... the guy did 2 years in Iraq and I'm sorry to say, but it changes the situation dramatically.

I will not ask what he did in Iraq and of course Tashyta will not be able to say for security reasons ..... but one thing I can say is, it won't be your normal day to day experience.

Let's just put it this way, I'd be surprised if he didn't see a couple of his mates go home in bags .... so, saying that he needs to understand the situation is one thing, but understanding his situation is another.

Sadly, these guys are not getting help until they ask .... but a lot of the time they don't realise they need help, until it's too late.
Right now, the clock is ticking close to the 11th hour for Tashyta, but a ring and AOS can change that part .... then the work really begins.

So far business is his life partner. He is trying to avoid bankruptcy and safe business.

Well said Nane .... thankyou for adding stength to the PTSD issue. It is an issue that those who are not involved in the military are quite unawares of.
We military spouses/fiances have to deal with such different things, and sometimes I feel as though I'm talking a different language
I pray for you and yours .... my Hubby did 2 tours, so I've been there. It's hard, but with strength, we always find a way.

Thank you, guys for all your support. But the problem is that he doesn't want to talk to me about his problems and concerns. He thinks that he is trying to save me from his problems but he is doing only worth. I did this desperate step coz I don't know what else I can do, I even don't know how to approach to him - he is always turning away from me. It's extremely hard, and I'm desperate and very confused!!!

He doesn't have to talk to you about what is troubeling him. I think you would have a hard time to process such information and he has a point to protect you from it.
BUT- he needs help from professionals. I know that sounds frightening to a lot of people, but he needs help. Try to comvince him to accept help for his and your sake.
Maybe he will do it if he sees that you will stay. Maybe he needs a definite sign from you that you will stay behind him and have his back!?

He sounds like a pretty stubborn person too, but I am sure, if he feels your love, it will touch his heart.

Oh gosh, I am sending you some big hugs, you are in such a tough spot!

I'm reading this thread and thinking to myself, Wow! a man who has got a woman that wants to give him support so that he/they can be a success.

One doesn't find women like that every day.

Here is a link that might help you and your SO. It is the Small Business Administration. They might be able to help your SO restructure his debt and point him in the direction of a cost effective loan so that his business and your relationship can survive.

SBA Finacial Assistance

From the website:

SBA provides a number of financial assistance programs for small businesses including 7(a), 504 and disaster assistance loans.

Good luck

Awesome, I was hoping, someone would have more practical advice to offer!!

The problem is that he doesn't know himself what he wants to do with his own life, he hasn't decided yet

As a PTSD survivor, what was just written is fairly typical of someone trying to cope w/ post traumatic stress. Google PTSD and read up a little on it. Your man needs help in coming to grips with his experiences in a war zone even if he does NOT realize nor want it.

He doesn't want it simply because it'll take time which he doen't have. Right now he has to solve tons of problems: business, army, health, taxes and most of them already overdued. He doen't know what to start from. And I'm sure he'll refuse just because of lack of time. Though I know he talks from time to time with his friend who was also in Iraq about war and consicuences and he sais he feels better after those conversations.

Sorry to hear about your problems.

I hope things work out for the best

Tashyta, I have followed your previous threads and applaud you for taking the steps to do what is best for you. I can not imagine how hard this decision was for you to make, and know that you have support in your decision.

All the best,

I agree, it does sound like he is trying to protect you .... and unless you've got experience with PTSD and what they go through in Iraq, he's probably doing the right thing to a certain extent.
But, yes, he needs professional help, and like I said, the VA can also organise financial compensation .... I think PTSD counts as 10-30% disability of his military pay, and it would help matters financially ... they also have helpgroups and counselling. At the moment, he's avoiding the issue considerably by the sounds of it, and he must be scared of what is happening to him and his life ..... everything will feel out of control.
These PTSD guys may look tough on the outside, but a lot of them are falling apart inside and don't know what to do.
You need to be strong, and consider whether you're up to the task, as it's a very hard road to begin with. Trust me, it's even harder when you're thousands of miles away, but they do get better, and sunny days do come back
But it could be time to start unpeeling the layers.
Hugs from me too





This sounds brilliant, I hope it helps.

Yes, he will feel better chatting to his friend who was there .... they did a lot of stuff that makes most of these guys feel terribly guilty .... but they forget that it was what they were trained to do sadly. Back in the civilian world, their experiences seem quite surreal and often mess their heads up for a while.
Also, he could choose to mobilise for a year as Active Duty (Active Reserve) ... as he's NG, there's probably a strong chance he'd be kept Stateside not sent back to Iraq (????) .... it may help him sort his finances with a more solid paycheck and certainly give him immediate access to help .... and there would be no need to worry about health insurance as you'd get Tri-Care ..... just a thought.

He injured his back in Iraq and hi is not deployable for now but the military requires from him a surgery which should be done in couple months. and usually after surgeries you should stayin the bed for couplemore months which he can't afford with business problems.

Why didn't he just marry you as soon as you arrived here?

I don't really know. Well, three months are not enough to get to know each other very good - that's what he told me. I assume that even one year is not enough...

How long did you know one another prior to moving there on the K1?????

close to 4 years, but to know each other on the distance and start to live with each other ad get to know each other closely are different. When I came here I found out that he is absolutely different person from the one I used to know

That's totally unfortunate.
If he wasn't ready to take this big next step, he never should have petitioned for you to come over yet....
Now you are like..stuck, not knowing what to do....
I'm so so sorry

did you come here after his deployment in Iraq?

one other thing, if he is suffering daily from back pain that can affect his outlook on life.

I am so very sorry that things did not work out for the two of you, but I wish you the gift of peace. I have learned, the hard way, with my visa journey that we can give love, but it take two people that are committed to a future.

You have given him everything, now it is time to give to yourself. God Bless You.

2manypapers

Have him read this thread...

Tashyta,

I looked at my notes from recent lecture on PTSD by Dr. Yuvai Neira, one of the leading experts in the field and a survivor himself. The first thing I have written down is that survivors have trouble with attachment in relationships. This sounds precisely like your situation.

Everyone who goes to a war zone is changed in some way, even if they weren't in direct combat. No place was or is safe in Iraq. Now veterans centers are being set up in more and more locations. http://www1.va.gov/directory/guide/vetcenter.asp They'd probably be willing talk to you without him there.

Since he is still in the NG he should have access to legal services (JAG) at the nearest military installation of any size.
You can call Military One-Source and they can direct you. http://www4.army.mil/ocpa/read.php?story_id_key=5183 The only obstacle I can see there is that you are not considered his dependent by the military until you are married. They can point you in the right direction, though.

I'll pray that you make the right decision and whatever you choose, that all will be well with you and with him, too. Please thank him for me for his service.

Blessings

Sorry, I couldn't understand these two. Could you explain unlawful and illegal. Maybe I'm not getting it, seriously, I don't.

Tashyta,

The people mean well who are replying to you. My outlook might sound harsh, but from the clues you give I think it is accurate.

You mention he already gave excuses when you first came, and you did not get married within the original 90 days. There was nothing new for him except he actually had to make the decision then. There are many people here who have to make this decision within the 90 days. Most marry well before this. If he wants more time, he can visit you at your home for a few months. Actually, I have little patience for this kind of excuse. It is pretty stupid since the whole process of the Fiancee Visa is a risk. it seems pretty cruel of him to get you in trouble with the law because he has these stupid excuses...

To me he made his decision and has kept you in misery ever since. You need to go. He is not going to change at this time. Maybe he will wake up when you are gone. But with you here he has no reason to change things, he has you to comfort him as he lets you... And let's face it, he is being very selfish. How can he say he is trying to keep you from his problems? You obviously are very worried now. How can it be worse if you were married? There are so many married couples that have had hard times, and he is just giving you excuses.

As far as any problems because of being deployed in Iraq. Who cares? I say this is harsh, but as with anyone with a problem such as PTSD or Financial or Drugs, or Alcohol, or anything else, if you are not ready for help it will not be successful if others try to force it.

So you should go. That is the only way you will know if he really loves you and cares. As I say, he is being very selfish to keep you in misery and to have you in trouble with the government for his own comfort. He needs tough love! And when you go you can get a fresh perspective away from him. Maybe you will see that he has been using you, or just that he is confused. But no matter what, you cannot help him until he is ready. And he will just drag you down farther at this time! You need to take care of yourself and do not try all this band-aid stuff other people are suggesting. He is just not ready or caring enough for growing your relationship any farther. And you have to be aware of this harsh fact. Sorry that you are in pain.

Best Wishes.

Has he applyed for compensation? with a back injury and PTSD he'd be getting a good pay off for the rest of his life .... financial issues wouldn't be such a problem for you guys then.

http://www.military.com/benefits/military-...ty-compensation

He'll also get more if you guys were married ..... with kids, it goes up again.





When you have PTSD you develop coping mechanisms ..... and often only show the face of what you feel is acceptable to other people. You obviously never spent time with him in his 'own space' and got to see what he is like on a daily basis (I'm presuming from your posting) ..... this is a shame as it would've given you insight into the day to day living of a war veteran ..... and quite honestly, they can be a bit wierd at times (to most people), but if you research the reasons, you'll understand.
What those guys go through out there is quite unpleasant (I actually am one of the spouses who's been told and not protected from the truth, but then, I can deal with it, most couldn't) ..... and I think you mentioned he was out there with the Army .... that would mean he would've been out there for a year at a time probably (deployments are now 15 months) .... a year of dealing with death everyday without a doubt warps your perspective of reality.
So yes, he will be different ..... and he will need more time and patience than the normal civilian guys .... and a s**t load of support.
It takes a tough guy to deal with what they deal with out there ..... a tougher one to come home without committing suicide (many do) ..... but it takes a tougher lady behind him to deal with all the bagage he came home with.
Only you can make the decision of whether you're up to the job.




This is good information. And I would like to thank him for his service too .... I appreciate greatly what these boys do.




I think the comment that you made (which I've put in bold) is the most disgraceful thing I've heard in a long while, and I, like all Military spouses who live and breath their military lives on a daily basis will back me on saying that your comment was highly offensive!
You obviously have absolutely no idea as to what the troops out there are having to deal with .... of course you won't as the news on the T.V. cannot actually show you.
Try watching your closest friends being blown up in front of your face .... try having to shoot people on a daily basis because your life and your colleagues lives depend on it .... try dealing with the fact that you've just found another of your colleagues dead because he couldn't cope and committed suicide ..... oh, and don't squirm, this is all tame, because if I wrote the really gory facts ..... you'd probably want to throw up.

So, next time you think 'problems because of being deployed in Iraq, who cares?' ..... stop, and take a minute (while you sit in your comfortable chair, stuffing your face with tasty food) ..... and actually give some thought to the guys out there who are fighting so that you CAN sit in your comfortable chair and CAN stuff your face with tasty food ..... because trust me, they don't have those luxuries that you have ..... they don't get to kiss their wives at night, or often see their children being born .....no, they're fighting so that your sorry arse is safe.
And because of that, their families get to go without .... and when they return home, it us, the military families that have to pick up the pieces.
Have a bit of respect.

If Tashyta wants to turn her back on a guy who bravely fought for his country and our freedom, then so be it .... not all people are 'man' enough to deal with the fallout of war.
I wish the guy luck, and I hope he gets his back sorted and gets help for his head and somehow gets to re-build his life after giving US (you, me & everyone else) everything he had.
Some of us out here don't run when the going gets tough, we batten down the hatches, we hold our positions, and ride out the storm ..... no relationship is easy, but this issue makes a relationship even harder.

And if anyone from USCIS is actually reading this, your inclusion of war veterans in delays on the I-130's is a downright disgrace, you should be ashamed!