As you all know, this process is hard. Well, I became clinically depressed because of the prolonged stress. So that even now, when there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I can not seem to get out of this funk. Maybe it also has to do with the crappy job I am and the fact I can't adjust to being back in the States.

Anyway, I finally broke down and decided to go on anti-depressants.

Now my husband knows its been hard. But he never really understood how hard it was for me. When I told him how badly it has become and that I am going to take anti-depressent pills he was accepting of this. HOWEVER, he keeps talking about how "if you control your thinking...." "If you control your imagination...."

He is totally ignorant about this problem. He just does not seem to understand that DEPRESSION = NO CONTROL OVER THINKING.

I am so irritated with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't need instructions from him. I just need comfort!

lol...this is so typical of a man's reaction. They think they have to fix the problem, so he was trying the best he knew how to fix it. These poor men don't understand that sometimes we women just need a listening ear and hug (he can't even do that for you yet).

So just vent away to us, we understand. I can tell you that I had a time just before my husband got his visa that I became a literal hermit. My kids and my sister were getting very worried, and now that I look back I can see why.

Sweety you need some "me" time. Can you think of something that really enjoy and find a way to just take care of your needs for a while?

I'm right there with ya girl.

It's not just men, I think many women have similar feelings and misunderstandings when it comes to anti-depressants (and depression in general) as well. While ideally you can talk to your husband about anything, I think this is a case of knowing your audience. It's going to be hard for him to understand what you're going through being so far away. TBH, I have similar feelings about depression and anti-depressants even though I have friends who use them. It's a hard preconception to shake if you haven't actually been through it yourself, I think.

I doubt any of the guys have any inkling of the stress and problems we go thru, we do the filings, we send to them what is need, we instruct about the interview, what to gather etc. I had a day of feeling down not to long ago and told this and was told hope you get to feeling better soon......no idea of what (feelings) i was talking about

This is a very emotional time for you and the depression is and can be very un-nerving to both parties. Men have a way of thinking and women have theirs. We expect them to read our minds, and this becomes the problem. Usually, when you are taking anti-depressants (and depending if they are the right ones and if you really need them) you are going to go thru some strong mood swings.

We are here to lend that ear to you, for all you need to do is vent your anger/ You are bottling it up inside as we all do and then wham, we either biotch up a storm or go nutz in our own world. I happen to choose the explode mood and go to the gun range - sorry dont laugh but it helps - others go for a manicure or some go to their shrinks - it just depends on what is going to lift you out of the short term funk, as it seems yours is just cycle for the crap we all are endearing right now.

Stress will tear you apart, and sometimes even tho we DONT WANT TO DO IT, exercise some of that off - I know , I know, you dont have the energy or the willpower, but this episode of your life will be over, and when it is, then you can look back and say WTF happened, but until then, know that you have support here - you are having what alot of us are going thru - I just dont choose the meds because of work, otherwise, I would be just telling the doctor to give me the strongest stuff, knock me arse out for another six months and this crap will be over.

You can also search out a group somewhere close to were you live to help you discuss what is going on inside - talking helps. BUT REMEMBER ONE THING - and the only thing that will make this crap go away is TIME! Coming back to the states without hubbie has got to be tough, I dont know since I have not seen mine since we got married - THANK YOU VERY MUCH USCIS - but ask yourself one thing.............you are going thru this hell because???? When you get that answer and we know what it is, then hopefully the depression will lift and be gone.

I wish you only the best during this time as I do to all the people that are undertaking this painful process - never thought it would be a piece of cake, but didnt plan on getting the batter stick full of chocolate stuck to my tongue either.

xxxxxxxx

Sweetheart - FEW people understand -let alone want to talk about- depression or any other type of mental illness. They seem to think that "thinking happy thoughts" and "being positive and proactive" SHOULD work. Well, it effing doesn't. You are sick, no more, no less sick than someone with, say, diarrhea. How about the next time your hubby has diarrhea you tell him " well babe, just tighten the sphincter and think happy thoughts???"
I feel for you sister .

EXACTLY! What you said is exactly how it feels...Like they have no clue about what is really going on. And when you tell them, there is a the tepid, "hope you are ok."

I sometimes feel they don't know the meaning of stress.

Where they live the pace is so much slower.

OMG.....

I wish I had thought of that! In fact, I think I am going to cut and paste your posting so he can see how foolish his comments are.

awe i know its hard for u and u can vent anytime on here thats whats so great about it........everyone understands what ur going thru and nobody judges u.........depression is hard....and in general men think it can be controlled if u just think positive.....it dont work like that.......i think u have held up very well..........here a little something to make u smile all men yes and i say all men have a problem understanding depression......when i told my perviz i was depressed......he asked........is it that time of the month?.........Hes a doctor and should know better but there u have it men.....lol gotta love em........like to killem sometimes lol.......come smile.......i promise it will get better........ur in my prayers and im sending u happy thoughts.........
sara

You hit the nail on the head. Seriously didn't you feel like you were in heaven when you went there? The lifestyle is so relaxed, laid back, and peaceful. THere biggest stress is what they were going to do that day. I would try to tell my husband how different it was here but he didn't understand until now.

Thank you SusieK.

I agree that it is a very emotional time now. I am actually not on the medication yet. Hoping to get the meds on Monday.

I wish I had a gun range and a license to shoot!

I have gone to a counselor and talking helps a little. The problem is I put on the happy face for everyone. Even the counselor. And really, outside of this immigration/bad job/adjust to USA topics, I don't have any real issues. I am not abused or have a history of mental illness. So how much you can talk about immigration/job/living in USA without being redundent? Really, I think you guys on this board are the only people who understand the hardship we have endure.

I know exercise is good...and I do feel good after doing it. I really did everything I could to avoid having to take anti-depressents. But it just isn't working enough.

Still, I will take your advice to heart and try to refocus on getting over this.

Tina

Yes, different there compared to here.

We have such a hectic life here, they have no clue.

I was the one who had to come to USA and look for an apartment, a job (two jobs really). Transition into a totally new life from before. While they stay where they are, living in the same house, same family....

In a way, I can't wait for him to experience it here just so I can see him sweat it out. Now that is a bad thought!

You keep on going sister, and DO NOT STOP YOUR MEDS. People who do so are at a super high risk of nervous breakdowns and/or suicide. Talk therapy is also a must.

Know that you are loved. There's always room in my for more prayers.

I never wanted to take anti-depressents. I mean, we all have our ups and downs...I usually tried to remain positive. When I became down I always tried to count my blessings...And if I felt bad I tried to get my mind on something humorus or like SusieK said, talk it out or exercise.

Also, anti depressents have side effects - weight gain (I like I need to go over 200 LBS, I already put on 30 from emotional eating) and lack of libido. Not to mention some studies say they may not be as effective as originally touted.

But this is a desperate action for me to take the prescription route. I don't want to feel this way, especially if my husband may be coming....I want to be back to my normal, happy self.

divorce in a war zone. now that's stress.

I haven't even started them yet! My doctor will write a script tomorrow.

As for nervous breakdown...If it is as bad as how I felt at the beginning of the week, then that is what prompted me to call my doctor.

But don't worry, I am not considering suicide. I am not so severely depressed to have gotten that point.

I agree. But what's even harder are the events that lead to divorce. I am divorced (strangely now friend with my ex) and while it was bad, it was not like this.

zoloft works great. dont know what my problem was a couple years ago but my moods were swinging from being as sweet as pie one minute and ready to kill the next. stayed on them for maybe a year and then went off for probably a year now and im all fixed. so believe me i understand what ur going thru. hang in there...it will be ok

Thank you Sara...

Do you know, the time I am happiest is when I am back in India???? I used to live in Himachel Pradesh and I consider it more my home than the USA. A lot of the stress I feel now is because I have a hard time getting used to how fast life is here compared to India.

I have to laugh at your husband's concern that it is your period causing your mood. Some men, don't intend to be so exasperating, I understand.

Thank you.

Wellbutrin Extended Release is what I am supposed to go on.

My friend said it may actually help lose weight and INCREASE libido

im really sorry for how u feel! seriously u have no idea how much im thankful for VJ myself! i can really spill it out here as it is and im always sure ppl will relate and feel me....... vent all u want and say whatever u want to say.... im sorry if i dont have any advice on what to do for ur depression its becoz i never really was able to help myself either except by crying it out from time to time... im always here for u if u need anything! HUG

Wellbutrin is what they suggested...

It supposed can make you lose weight and increase libido

I just cut and pasted your post to my husband!!!!

I hope the diarhhea analogy makes him understand.

That made me laugh!!!! I still have a sense of humour! Thank GOD!

Lose weight hmmm.....perhaps I am feeling a bit depressed lately...lol

And it also decreased my smoking but it works.

Like I told you before Nutty dear; depression has nothing to do with willpower - it is a disease as real and insidious as any other major illness. Good to know you're taking the right steps to take care of yourself.

ok heres one. we applied for the itn number for income tax purposes, i got letter from state, etc etc of course they need the number ( i havent heard anything fr fed) so i call, sorry i cant talk to you on that its his number not yours (well yea but its attached to my income tax form) ok all i can suggest is you wait a little longer or have him call himself (do you thinkhe can call fr morocoo and hold for 15 minutes?) so i called ahmed, oh i just rec'd this letter i was reading i think it is on the tax and i do not understand it at all.....sorry we can not process etc etc we need etc etc..(which we sent) but he now doesnt understand..(well he is going to have to understand, because this is holding up my tax return which i need and they will only deal with him. Is he stressed NO am I YES

Yeah, I have a friend who is on Wellbutrin and Zoloft (?)...She said it is the "pharmacological version of speedball."

Gosh I didn't think of that....

That the state would hold up the tax return waiting for you to get the ITIN #.

Couldn't you file an extension with the state????

Now I have to contact my state tax department

I hope it helps my out of control eating.

Thanks Len & Bren!!!

i guess since its in their hands it should be considered (received) in time they owe me, but we did send the passport (and translation) his birth certificate and even a copy of the marriage lic and translation he is going type me what the letter says i will see when i get home, but apparently for state we should have held the form until we got the number......

We can feel your pain, just hang in there. Your patience will pay off. Take care.

I am struggling now with my husband's income. Had to have it translated. And now I have to prorate (reduce) the beginning and end of his 2007 income because the pay period is like this:

December 22, 2006 to January 20, 2007 - $xxx.xx
December 22, 2007 to Janaury 20, 2008 - $xxx.xx

How irritating!

"pharmacological version of speedball." correction: It's Wellbutrin and Prozac.

Yeah, stay on the meds and talk it out........those are the best things to get through this difficult time. Unfortunately many people who don't suffer from depression have a hard time understanding how disabling it can be.

Don't count on it be received. Sorry to add to your stress but the IRS did something similar to me. I had to get his signature on something (can't remember now what) and when they finally got it I got charged a butt load of late charges. I tried fighting it, but to no avail. Can he sign over some sort of temporary power of attorney so they will discuss it with you?

Tell your spouse exactly what kind of response you need right now from him. I'm sure he'll understand and conform to your needs at the moment.

I sure hope things get better for you. This is a great place to do some venting. There will always be good days and bad days during this journey. Time usually goes by so fast but when you're waiting for something, it certainly does drag!

I understand your feelings; the most important thing for you to do is educate yourself about depression. I think if you understand depression better it will help you feel more in control of your illness. I too have been depressed, and do take effexor. Do what the doctors tell you, and read and study information about depression, the more you know, and the easier it is to explain to your husband. Hang in there, and if you need to talk to someone, throw me a line. I have enclosed some links to some great sites that can give you some information.

Some people say that depression feels like a black curtain of despair coming down over their lives. Many people feel like they have no energy and can't concentrate. Others feel irritable all the time for no apparent reason. The symptoms vary from person to person, but if you feel "down" for more than two weeks, and these feelings are interfering with your daily life, you may be clinically depressed.


http://www.depression.com/index.html
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publication...blication.shtml

Nutty, I know what you mean. Yap, I know there is no way to control when you cant controllll duh. Ya we just have to freak out, let ourselves freak out, and calm down ourselves because we know we would rather have something good happen at God's chosen time than tomorrow if its meant that is will turn out badly.

I called DOS today, they said security checks werent done and said ya thats whats holding it up for now. Gee thanks.

Ya imagine how my day was. can you imagine that? ya you can. your living it every day with me. belinda too. and it aint over till its over. theres no use trying to say ya im fine. ur not fine and im not fine and no one can be FINE. whats fine anyway? being in denial or accepting bad things? for me, fine is knowing that God knows better than me. Your fine can be that you just want your husband to feel the urgency as much as you. Im sure he does nutty, he just trying to be the best he can, cause he knows if ya BOTH go on antidepressents it aint gonna be pretty.
yoy know my hushand actually told me he was HAPPY the day I was leaving, i know full well he does that when he tries to be strong, he wasnt fine, he cried later for a good 35 mins. ya. I told him to cut the crap, thats when he said, if i dont act like im fine if we both freak out then theres no one physically left to stop the madness.

Nutty your post came at a time that I was about to post a similar one, but in some odd support from my mother she actually said that I should not be hesitant to prepare, because God wants us to be ready for things and it will happen. she doesnt know much about immigration but she knows this much: that if theres so fraud, they MUST give the visa to a valid marriage because this is a marriage visa.

Nutty no matter how much any one understands now or what anyone says, this sickness will not get any better until you-know-when. So for now, as a friend, as a fellow AP person, who is still in this mess along with you, I will just tell you that ya everything seems crappy right now, but I fear that if God sees the ungratefulness there can easily be things that can go more wrong and I don't want that for us. If we fall into an accident tomorrow and lose a leg, ya he can get the visa but you can never have a walk with him. totally extreme and bad example, but you know what im trying to say. I believe this is our year, this WILL happen. Lets not stop our mental hopes and plans, when the time comes, we will be happy we kept planning.

Remember- you get no credit for suddenly thanking God after the fact. Only get credit NOW. I love you Tina and I understand this so badly. I cannot get up in the morning sometimes, sometimes I get up with tears, cause I feel empty and hollow.

But we will get through this. It will happen.

My prayers with you and all of us waiting.

Tammy

Oh nutty get this - my husbad got into a motorcycle accident, unable to walk for a good two weeks - AN HOUR INTO MY FLIGHT last summer. Ya. He dropped me off and was on the highway thrown off his motorcycle laying there without feeling in one leg. couldnt stand up.

for the next two weeks after i got back here he was unreachable. finally a week later (at this point im totally thinking he doesn't love me) he calls and says he "has a cold" ya....right then why are you moaning?!
He fessed up a week later, said he was in the hospital that whole week and that he didnt want to tell me cause he thought I couldnt handle it.

thankkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkssssssssssssssss. ya they want to "take care" but they are just not too great at it. i've also been told to "control" ...at a time when i most could not control.


I end my post with saying, we will get through this and it sucks right now but when that day comes we'll forget all this crap and fight about nicer things like which vacations to go.

with love

Tammy

**I specifically mentioned belinda because of same country consulate.

Dear Tammy,

I am beyond words to express how touched I am by your post!!!!! Believe me I am thankful to God for all my blessings and I know things could be so much worse. That is the terrible thing about depression. You feel guilty for feeling sad because you don't have any REAL TRAGEDY in life.

Your mother may be right. Maybe when we are at our lowest a ray of light will shine on us and the problem we face will resolve itself. Your time will come, of this I am sure!

I know how terrible this is for you. So let the tears flow, but wipe them away and know that you are not alone.

I am with you, sister, please don't lose your hope!!!

Tina

I know. Belinda is having a hell of a time. I have emailed her to know how she is doing. But she has been very quiet.

Tina

I hope you are able to get through this hard time. We are all going through similar problems, but that doesn't make your problems feel any less. Sometimes the strength leaves us and we have a hard time finding it. I hope that you can be with your husband soon and that all these troubles pass.

As for me, so far I lost 10 pounds (which I didn't need to lose) and I gained ulcers from all the stress. Somehow, though, I keep making myself go through the motions each day until I can be with my husband again. One thing I've done is write in a journal. It helps to put my thoughts and feelings on paper. I also figure that someday after my husband is here and I am so upset with him for silly things, then I can pull out that journal and remember all I went through to be with him. I am hoping it will help me put things back in perspective.

Take care of yourself, this is the most important thing.

lots of hugs nutty. Hang in there. You and tammy are my cornerpost and I can't lose you now.

All I have to say is, SNAP OUT OF IT!

The answer from a man's perspective.

There now don't you feel better?

i'm alive, not doing so well. Trying to stay immersed in work to avoid the whole depression thing. Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers.

I'm about ready to cut him lose and let him go. We are both tired of waiting and it is not fair to him. I have my children and my life, he never has. I think one more meeting, maybe June or July and if he doesn't have his visa by then it will be to say goodbye.

I hope we all get to post the dancing smileys soon but enough is enough....if there was a definite time limit it would be one thing, but this June it will be two years since we filed the petition with no end in sight. To make things even more depressing for him is his younger (10 years younger) brother has found a potential wife and is working out the details with her family for a possible marriage. And in addition to his family, now his boss and co-workers are pressuring him to marry.
I can't ask him to wait forever

(BTW i was on Paxil for a while and it worked really well, I don't have health insurance now or I surely would be back on it.)

I hear ya belinda haha. My husbands brother not only got married between 2006 and 2008 but had a daughter already! Oh boy...he doesnt want children verbally but oh man how long can someone be a virtual wife!
belinda i know i know i know you know all of what im about to tell you! but pleassssse dont give this up, he will be SO happy with you here. please dont let this go till you see the end of it please, I knooooooooooooooow theres an end! Look at cheryl and medo...they finally did it! and I KNOW people from Iran immigrate here darn it! the whole country cant be banned! My mind is always floating to you. you keep as busy as you need (I know I am) and don't give ear to whatever the hell is happenning externally. if i think that way, my husband's brother beat us by 6 years after getting married a year after us oi!

With love
Tammy

Belinda, I will keep you in my prayers. I am so sorry you have to wait this long, but I hope he comes soon so you can see that all this suffering was worth it. You are a wonderful woman to make it this far, never forget that.

Oh boy...he doesnt want children verbally but oh man how long can someone be a virtual wife!

I've been a virtual wife for more than 3 years, so far.

I can totally understand what you are going through...
I though that once we were together everything will be perfect.. We are still settling down and sometimes I want to just talk about how I feel lonely and miss my family and friends. In the beginning, it was so frustrating for me coz he would give me a solution for everything I felt. I have realised, he does it not because he does not understand but, because he feels for me and wants to make everything right for me and sometimes does not know how to put it across
Just the way men and women feel and communicate differently...
Now I just tell him when I want him to just listen and give me a hug and a kiss and when I actually want a solution.. I am happier coz he does what I need from him and he is happier coz he knows he is making me feel better by doing the right thing rather that guessing...
Try, it might help

Thank you. Probably the best advice given in dealing with my husband.

Maybe you and I are married to the same man??? Just joking.



It's good to hear from you Belinda.

I was, and am, worried for you since I did not hear from you or see your posts.

I hope you are ok.