Hi everyone,

I've read several threads about abused spouses, Vawa filings and responses from some of you guys. I felt so sorry for the citizens trying to get their once-loved spouses deported, which isn't different than what my husband is trying to do. Love shouldn't be this cheap. Love is kind, not hurtful. Putting someone in an illegal status or deportation process is hitting below the belt, not protecting yourself. Neither do you get any benefit from having someone deported, no matter how hurt or angry you are. Doing something just because you can is not power, it's so immature. This is not good.

I'm writing here simply because I am stuck, and I really need help and insight. Please do not respond to this message speaking poorly of illegal immigrants or why they should be sent back home before you understand my story. I don't need anybody to tell me why I should go back or stay here.

I'm from Istanbul Turkey from a well respected liberal family. I met my husband two years ago when I was a student in New Jersey. When my studies ended, I simply went back to my home country. I wouldn't have gone back if I had wanted to obtain an immigrant status no matter what, he begged me to stay and marry him but I didn't. My husband came to Turkey almost once a month after I left. We were talking on the phone at least two three hours a day. He even came to Istanbul only for 16 hours to propose to me and he took a flight back to New York. He did everything he could to bring me back to the US, except for filing for a spouse or a fiancee visa.

We got married in August, 2008 and I entered the country on a visitor's visa. I didn't know that the US would recognize a marriage abroad. We were planning on a US wedding which his family cancelled after a loss in family. The original plan was that I would help him with the US wedding preparations and go back to Turkey, file for spouse visa but after my husband lost his uncle he was devastated and he needed my support. And I stayed. And we filed for green card papers.

My I-94 was valid until November, only 3 months after I entered. Since I got approved for EAD and advanced parole, I didn't worry about the I-94 expiration at all.

My husband is from a radically fundementalist christian family. Women wear headscarves and skirts only, they only wear dark colors. I didn't know any of this until we married but he knew I was Muslim and married me anyway probably hoping he could salvage me by converting me. After we started living tohether, him and his family poured out their real intentions and expectations from me. They started the brain-washing cycle pushing me to get baptised. So, our marriage didn't work out and it fell apart only in 6 months. During this time, my husband has been very abusive, especially after I rejected baptism. He started seeing other women, calling me names, not supporting me financially, being sexually verbally mentally and emotionally abusive. He gave me bruises once. He would hide my passport or threaten to get me deported. He is a porn addict, which affects his way of viewing women tremendously, like women are always ready to be men's slave or something. He tells people that I sleep with other guys (which God knows that I didn't) and speaks of me in a very humiliating way. He left home only a few days before the first immigration interview (March 20th). He didn't show up at the hearing and wrote a letter to the imm. services and he cancelled his sponsorship. The case immediately got closed. I was out of status, meaning illegal the day I received a letter from imm. services explaning their decision (March 30th)

My husband filed for a divorce immediately. I found papers in an envelope on the doormat. I don't know if I am considered as being served. In his claims, he says I entered the marriage as fraud, not in good faith. He wants me to pay for everything from apartment rent to legal expanses. He is making $160K a year and I am unemployed.

I am now facing deportation. I can't go back to my hometown simply because it is viewed as a very embarrasing situation to have your daughter back only after a few months she gets married. I also can't go back because I fear the consequences of his divorce claims. If I go now, he may say anything and get a court order against me. I simply can't stay because I am illegal. I am totally cornered.

He broke the lease and I have to be out of the apartment in just a few weeks. I have no money, neither do I have a place to stay.

I know it shouldn't be this easy to mess with someone's life. He's the one who dragged me here. Now he changed his mind and he's doing anything he can to send me back home. I am not a disposible toy for God's sake, there has to be something I can do?!? I don't have police or doctor's reports. He threatened me that if I filed something against him, the consequences would be much worse.

I've spoken with several immigration attorneys and specialists. They all say something different. Some say I can't get a legal status. Some say that I can if I file for I-360 but I can't file for I-360 or I-485 concurrently and I'd have to wait until I-360 is approved to apply for an EAD or AOS. Others say that it's really very simple to put together an application and get approved. I just want to resolve the divorce and go back to my home country. I am utterly confused. I live in New York-New Jersey area and I would very much appreciate the contact information of a reliable and knowlegable immigration and divorce attorneys here.

Please advise. Please help. I don't know what to do.

I'm really sorry that you're in such a bad situation and wish I can offer more advice. Unfortunately, I am not very knowledgeable about VAWA. All I know, from the case of one VJer I read about, is that you do have to have the I-360 approved first. Do you have friends who can act as witness to the abuse that you underwent?

I hope that somebody with more information will see your post and help. I pray that you will be safe and that you'll find a solution to your situation.

Apparently you have been served...has to be done in person in the states that Im familiar with...but if you have been legally served, see a family attorney immediately. You usually have only 30 days to respond or he can take a default judgement.

Refute all of claims, and get him to pay for everything, including paying your way back. After all, he is the one with the money.

The catholic church has free or low cost immigration assistance, contact them and they can help you.

I see you're in New Jersey-- contact Sanctuary for Families in NYC. They may be able to help you or else provide you with a referral. Wishing you the strength you need and I hope you'll be alright no matter where you end up.

I went through the VAWA process after being married for only 8 months. My ex assaulted me and was arrested for third degree assault. This was in July 2006. I believe that you can file the I-360 and I-485 concurrently - the pending I-485 would then allow you to file for a work permit at the same time. I filed my I-360 in Sept 2006 - it was approved in Oct 2007. I am still waiting for my interview (my I-485 was pending from the time my ex had filed for me - my attorneys had sent them a letter asking them to put a hold on it while the I-360 was being filed).

The agencies that I had contacted and who helped me (they may be able to point you in the right direction to get help in your area):

Sanctuary for Families: (212) 349-6009 (Family Court)
City Bar Justice Center: (212) 383-6600 (Immigration)
South Brooklyn Legal Services: (718) 237-5500 (Housing Court and Divorce Court)
Brooklyn Women's Services: (718) 748-1234 (Therapy)

Sanctuary helped me get my initial order of protection in Family Court. South Brooklyn helped me with Housing Court when the landlord tried to evict me - NY law allowed me to have the lease changed into my name even though the only name on the lease was my ex. Sanctuary gave me a grant to pay off the back rent once I could show them that I was working and would be able to pay the future rent. My ex took the plea deal in Criminal Court to avoid jail and I got two final orders of protection from both Family and Criminal Courts. South Brooklyn also helped me with my divorce (he had tried to get an annulment).

I also applied for, and got a brand new social security number from the Social Security Administration in my maiden name (domestic violence victims are allowed to apply for a new number - it is on their website).

Now, with all that said, your first priority is SAFETY! And you should also document everything. (In my case I had an arrest report and eye witnesses and many 911 calls from neighbors (he was on top of me in the hallway of my apartment building after he had succeeded in forcing me out of the apartment)). Talk to people who know your situation and those who have witnessed it firsthand and ask them to write affidavits on your behalf. Be honest and be strong.

ALL of my attorneys for everything were free of cost. My therapy was also free.

Good luck.

I am sorrty to hear what happened to you. There are some advices given here and follow them.

My situation is very similar and my ex did almost everything that yours did. I filed for VAWA, finally got approved. I was also in deportation proceedings which have now been termined becasue of my approved petition. It's been a long haul and I'm still waiting for my interview. I had to file my I485 after my approval and have now been waiting 9 months for an interview. This all started in 2005 and I haven't been allowed back to England since. If you need any support please message me.

Thinking of you

Shona

Hey Shona

I was wondering how you are these days? Hope that life is treating you as well as can be expected!!

Hi Broma, I'm ok, just get really down waiting and waiting. This July will be my 4th year in the States and still no card and I can't go home even for a visit because of the overstay. I just want to see my boys. I've already missed my son's 18th and now it looks like I'll miss his 21st too.

How's things with you? and thanks for asking.


Shona

I am sorry to hear that you are still waiting......hopefully not for too much longer.

Things are going really well for me, I got a promotion at work so am now on the same level/salary that I was in England, my husband is back at work following his surgery, and we finally bought a house!! We are moving at the end of June (as long as nothing goes wrong)!

Soon it will be your turn!!!

Hi vawa-2006, Borjou and Shona!!!! It's nice to see your posts and ur stories, it gives me hope as i went through something very similar.
Last year, I went through exactly what you all went though in ur case. 2007 was the worst year of my life. It was a rocky relationship to say the least. Mine was the worst i've ever heard anyone go through. Trouble started about 9 and half months after wedding too. He solicited women online alot. Brought women home when i wasn't home. I saw underwears that didn't belong to me, shoes that weren't my size...so much, so many. He was unusually loud and violent at any little argument. I don't know what gave him that over me or why i was so low for him, tho he's 12 years older but i always thought i was a though girl. Neigbours would call cops and even with my swollen lips from his fist, or being visibly shaken, teary and sweating i would tell them everything was fine when they came cos i was afraid of what might come after his arrest. I even miscarried a baby through all the abuse (which i may say now is a blessing cos i can't imagine how i would manage with a child in all of this now).

When it got so bad, i left to stay with a friend. He came there to harass me, cause a scene and got violent, he was arrested. When he got out, he filled for annulment based on lies, cancelled my AOS petition, emptied our bank account, we had a joint account where i put all most of my money as he "ordered", he emptied and closed it, threw all my remaining stuff on the side walk as apt was in his name. I was homeless, bruised, battered and humiliated. I continued to live with a friend until i was able to sort myself up and got a place 2 months ago. I am okay now, my only regret is that i wish i didn't cry so much and that i had gotten out and gotten help sooner. But i didn't know what to do and who to turn to. Plus he hid all my documents, including my passport. He had access and control over everything. I was so stupid.

Now, I have 2 police reports, an order of protection, photos, medical records of treatments, proof of his infidelity (computer chat screens i saved), written/email/txt msgs threats to me, saved voicemails and phone records.

I just got a lawyer now through my very supportive church and my lawyer just began to fix the case and he told me he is confident that i will be approved when all is done. So i have peace of mind (i guess). He just started this past week.
I am working extra hours to take my mind off the pain and to afford payments for everything that i need now, including the lawyer as i am paying out of my pocket.

Vawa-2006, thanks for posting all those information and phone numbers. I wish i had all the resources when all started. I did a search online but didn't get much. I guess i was going through so much at the time that nothing i did was productive. The sky is clearer now, i can see better, google search yield results these days...lol

I will PM you guys, as i am sure i will have questions as my case proceed. Please put me in your prayers.

mslady...I had no clue where to turn either when all of this happened to me - I called the national hotline number and through them, got other numbers. I started calling and calling - Sanctuary for Families was the first agency to call me back and they helped me get in touch with other agencies for additional help. It's good that you got out of your situation - be safe.

Wow, I thought my case was awful but after reading your cases I see mine is pretty simple. I was in the same situation as you ladies were...verbal, economical, emotional abuse, isolation, etc. I give thank to God I have the best friends in the World. They found out all the information possible for me to leave the home and still get my green card. I went for help to a place called Help for Abused Women and Children. Immediately they told me the danger I was in and that I should get a restraining order. I said no because then my paperwork is in jeopardy. I can hold on to the economic, verbal, emotional abuse until I go to the interview. My mother flew from my home country and stayed with me at that home for almost two months until we left, only 4 days after the interview. I dropped him off at work, got a new car (he had totaled mine), packed up some of my stuff, dropped off the restraining order at the police station and on our way to 9 states far away from him and into a shelter for abused women I was. There I got all the help and the support I needed. I had left a forwarding address for my mail...so my green card arrived at my friend's address. He never showed up to divoce court. I knew he wouldn't because he knew he would have to paying my credit card and the bank account that he had cleared up. By the time I left the home I owed around $25,000; he had even bought a car with one of my credit cards.

Now I'm filing for the removal of conditional. I got my fingers crossed since I'm filing divorced.

I wish you all the best of luck.

I am a bit confused. You are a Muslim woman, but you married a Christian man? I don't know how the Muslims in Turkey view this, but that is a big no no from everything I have heard. It seems that would be a bigger disgrace than going back after only a few months here. But I don't know much about the Muslims in Turkey so I could be wrong.

Also you came on a visitor visa after you got married. Did they ask you in your interview about your marital status? I thought that if you were married to a USC and you applied for a visitor visa it is an automatic denial. Not sure if that is true, but if it is I think this one might come back to haunt you.

im sorry to hear about your situation. I dont really have an advice because Im new to the country too . just wanna say that i think a lot of citizens who go to another country and meet someone and fall in love have wrong expectations of their spouses to be. They persuade that person to come and live with them here and promise a good life and when they find out once the marriage starts that they dont really know each other well or he/she is not what they expected, they think they can just deport or send someone back as if that person was something bought from a store and can be returned just because there is divorce here. They dont consider that the other person left a good career or future behind, their families and entrusted their future to this citizen .Being sent home after just a few months of marriage is so embarrassing esp if they defended the marriage to their family and friends and in their home country divorce is frowned upon.