Hi Everyone - Well I guess I am looking for a bit of advice, support and/or help. Youssef is in a really bad slump right now and I have been trying my hardest to get him out of it. He has been having migraine/headaches for about 3-4 weeks now and we have almost exhausted everything. I took him to the emergency room (we have no insurance) and they ran a catscan and full blood work and found nothing wrong. They gave him some Tylenol with Codine and at the time he said it worked but now he is telling me that they never did work (argh!) he just wanted me and them to stop asking questions. We've tried massage and now he's seeing a chiropractor and it doesn't seem to be helping. I don't doubt that he has a headache but I think a large part of it is that he is really depressed right now, which I know is normal, but he doesn't want to talk about it or admit to it. He doesn't get out of bed, he hasn't gone to his ESL classes in 1 1/2 weeks. I'm stressed out right now too, finishing school and it's to the point where I almost resent him because he just makes me feel sad and depressed because I don't know how else I can help him. We got a gym membership, that he's been wanting and the weather is finally nice but he doesn't want to go out. Have any of you dealt with this? Do you have any suggestions of what we could try?

My husband went through this too, although though not as severe. Can he get a volunteer job that would force him out of the house each day? That's what really helped my DH.

Also, would talking with another recent immigrant help? I can give you our phone number and my husband can chat with him. Or, they could talk on msn.

Amera,

Anyway you could plan for a short visit home? Everyone adjusts differently and for some it is much harder. Does he have other Moroccans here to talk to who can relate to what is he going through?


Rebecca

We haven't even filed AOS yet so he's months off from a trip home . His brother lives in New York, and his best friend lives in Portland and they talk almost daily but it doesn't seem to be helping. He also calls home every other day or so. I thought some kind of voluntering would be really good for him, but he doesn't want to work if he's not getting money. But I'm going to keep trying...

Yes, I think making friends with other Moroccans was what is helping Wadi the most. He often goes to watch or play soccer with them or just hang out. Sometimes they come over to our house to watch 2M, too. It's all helping pass the time until the EAD arrives.

Is there a Moroccan immigrant population where you are?

I am not sure how religious your hubby is, but my husband finds great comfort in turning to his faith. Listening to Qur'an recitation always makes his mood better. Sometimes he will spend more time in prayer, reciting lengthier parts of the Qur'an.

Wish I had better advice


Rebecca

i would bet his migraines come from not getting out of bed...i was a migraine sufferer and the times they hit worst was when i either slept too much or lied around....tell him to get on a sleeping schedule only sleeping 7-8 hours a night...he will feel better with time..

as for being homesick...i agree about making other arab/moroccan friends....it has to be so hard on him...as i know its hard on sofyan...but you both will prevail, so dont lose hope...he has only been here for a few months, and this is the time where it will probably affect him the hardest...just support him to no end, and things will work out

I would like to offer something, remembering well what I personally went through when I moved to Egypt. No matter how much you love someone, and no matter how prepared you think are, culture shock and homesickness are unavoidable. I really suffered through about one to two months of helpless depression.

First, be sure you don't blame him or yourself. It's not only psychological but physical as well. When moving from one environment to an entirely different one it literally puts the body in shock.

What got me through it... myself. I had to fight it out with myself. There was nothing else that could be done. Mohammed was so loving and kind and understanding. And yes, at times we had some scalding fights, but you know something? I needed those too. And never did I feel I did not have his support.

Sorry its not magical answer, but he's probably going to have to gut through this, and you too, until everything settles down. Just stay at his side. It's going to be ok.

Adjusting can be a little hard some times...
What about visiting his friend or his brother for a weekend... It might be nice for him to see either one.
Being for away from your roots can be hard times to times...
Good luck,

I have been getting a lot of Migrains lately due to the weather. I happens when it is rainy, clowdy, or Humid. Make sure that is watching his diet and not getting too much sleep.

Go out to a moracon Restaurant. I don't know if there is anything that would remind of home in your area, a Cafe, Restaurant. See what is around. Maybe that will help.

This may be a stretch but I agree maybe he is sleeping too much and that is causing the migraines but how about finding him something to do and kinda prodding him along the way? Mother's Day is coming up in few weeks. Why not make plans for a little outing and go and shop for some flowers? Have pots on patio or yard beds and ask him to help you while you are at work sprucing up the yard. It will be quality time together and he can help fix the yard with his own little signature. This way he will be burning some energy, in the sun and that should lift his spirits. Plus, networking him to others out to improve his spirits as well. Good luck.

Mary

Are you sure it's Migraines? I get dreadful sinus headaches and have found that they are worse when I first move to a new area. You can have a sinus infection and not even have a runny nose. The clue is that your face hurts bad.

Unfortunately everybody is right, and you being in school makes things so much harder. Abdel go here at the end of a semester for me too, and I was already swamped, I didn't need his depression to feel guilty about. Your semester will end soon and I bet his mood will get a lot better when it does. All you can do is remind yourself that this too shall pass....

Amera, I was gonna make some suggestions, but it looks like you got lots of great advice from these ladies already I just love VJ

Dur. Kick him in the butt and tell him that he will be getting something for it - work experience and references. He'll have an easier time getting a job if he has references in the United States and some work experience.

Hanging out with other Moroccans seemed to really help Majid out. The culture shock is really hard to deal with. It honestly does sound like Youssouf could be depressed. If you can try to get him out of the house (I know, not very easy with your current schedule and his lack of motivation) that might help. You might also look into any free clinics in your area; if this is depression there are a lot of treatments that can help out that he should be able to access at no cost.

I'm sorry to hear about your husbands health. Inshallah, he will get better in time.

Have you thought about asking him if his headaches are related to homesickness or the marriage? Is he happily married? If so, you should be patient and ask him what you can do to make his transition to the USA pleasurable.

If he is suffering from homesickness, have you thought about ordering the Middle Eastern Channels for your home?? Eventhough he is not able to go home, I'm sure he would enjoy watching middle eastern programs at home, especially while you are away at work or school.

I feel your pain. My husband has gone through that too (still is). There is absolutely nothing we can do about it but be there for them and try to be as positive as we can be. It's so trying on our emotions though. I feel the same way about coming home to a depressed husband and not feeling/seeing that spark in his eyes. I have done a lot of reading on it and most always it says that in time they will learn to adjust to the culture shock and get the original ideas out of their heads and adjust to the reality of the culture. I guess I'm saying that we just need to try to be understanding and be there for them when they need us. Maybe you and I can find a solution together? .

amal

it's in the water... i'm telling you, it's something in the water..

My heart goes out to you and Youssef. Depression is hard for the one who has it and for all of those around him. As someone who has dealt with depression myself for about 15 years, it is one of the hardest and most difficult things to live with. I don't know your whole story, and maybe Youssef is just going through a one-time battle with depression, if that is the case, then time will help him as he adjusts. If it is ongoing, then you need to treat the source of the problem, not the symptoms (headaches, etc.). Anti-depressants can work as well as therapy, and eating well and exercise help tremendously too but is hard to begin when getting out of bed seems hard.

I can only speak for myself, but I do know that what made the biggest difference for me was knowing that I had someone who cared. If you can be with Youseff and let him know that you are there for him and that you want to help him, that can help him feel better. I know that you don't have insurance, however, having him evaluated from a doctor for depression would be a good idea.

Again, these are just my opinions and I don't want to come across as telling you what to do. I want to help because I've been there and still fight it everyday. Thank goodness that I am now anti-depressant free and feel like I'm winning the battle.

My heart is with you and Youseff.

Brenda

amera... it sounds like you got some wonderful advice from this fantastic group of ladies... i will be praying for you both... and i think that amal is right on the money... maybe you guys CAN find a solution together...
*hugs*
wish i had some advice to offer... what about getting a pet? or a fish tank?
i have ordered some painting supplies for jamal when he gets here... and i am looking into what i need to get him for the henna tattooing... i have checked with my local officers here, and when jamal gets here, he can go to the flea market on the weekends and do the henna tattooing...
anyways... pls keep us posted on your hubby's progress... i'll be praying for ya both!
Lynne

Lynne, as for the henna... the quality of henna in Morocco is much better (& fresher) so if Jamal could bring some w/ him that would be ideal! Another option is to find a local Indian store or Int'l food store, they often carry it (I've just found it's not always fresh, so does not produce great results). You can also order online from a number of vendors... let me know if I can help!
Noura

Noura... thank you so much!!! I will tell that to Jamal... i guess i just assumed that there was no difference... and I was going to acquire the materials needed to surprise him... you are a blessing girl!
*hugs*
Hope ya get lots of rest tonight... and have a great time over the weekend!
Lynne

ok, so, not to hijack this thread abt depression and turn it into a henna discussion... but just one more note on the henna thing...
Henna is also sooooo much cheaper in Morocco and it'll be cool for him to be able to say "It's Moroccan Henna" Also, he can get several different kinds - loose powder to make for cones or finer powder to use in a syringe. I got some of both last trip and got the syringes too (that's what the lady who did my henna used). I brought some back for some friends and they loved it! they've been playing henna party ever since - LOL!
Good luck!
Noura

thank you noura... amera... i am so sorry! i did not mean to hijack your thread... i feel like such an idiot now...
hope that your habibi feels better soon!
*hugs*

Lynne

Amera I just wanted to say that we have struggled a LOT with these issues. I think in many cases the reality of life in these united states is so very different than the dreams these guys carry for years, it seems like a big disappointment here for a while. Couple that with a new marriage and all the immigration strains and you have the potential for big problems. I dont have an easy answer for you, its hasnt been easy for us, but just know that you 2 are not alone in this. Its hard on all of us that are dealing with it. Hugs to you.

Amera, I have been thinking about this for awhile. This will probebly last for a year or so, pills, therapy, none of that works.

I remember the story my dad told me when he moved here. He used to work in an office in Jordan and when he got to the usa he worked in a lumber yard for 2 years. He absoulutly hated it here and could not wait to go back. Ofcourse he never went back and just got used to things.

Sometimes it takes awhile to get into the swing of things. These guys had their routine when they were home, so now they are just trying to find a place to fit in. It will get better with time I promise. He is homesick. These kinds of things tend to work themselves out and I know that all of want nothing more than to help them. Its hard, he is out of his element right now and it will take him awhile to get back there.

I'm sensing that once you get of school for the summer, he will perk up. Try to take small trips when possible, drives, anything to get his mind off things. Try to surround him with familiar things. Foods, music, arabic tv, etc.

I hope that all you that are experiancing this find that it will pass quickly.

I agree with JP. Abdel has a certain routine he has settled into in the 6 months since he got here, and it helps him a lot to know what he will be doing, at least at certain times. Today he was out of school, like every Friday, and he slept in. I fed the noisy cats, and came to work. He did the dishes, made the bed, then waited for me to come home for lunch, watching a little TV. After we had lunch together I dropped him off at the end of our street and he took the bus to downtown to have his Starbucks fix for the day, and to walk to the big park in the center of town to see if he could find someone to play soccer with. This may seem like a very simple day, but it is actually something that has become quite routine for him, and makes him feel like he knows what to expect.

Each guy will handle things differently of course, but please be patient with him. At first Abdel was very clingy and didn't want to talk to his family or read or much of anything. After a while he finally settled in and realized either he could choose to be happy or miserable, and he was tired of being miserable. He found books in French at the library at the university where I go, and when I am in class he goes to the library. It took several weeks to get him to finally ask to check out a book, and you wouldn't believe how happy that tiny act made me. It was a sign that he was coming out of his funk.

I really can't offer much advice because I don't know your man, but you do and you can try to see what little things bring even a tiny spark back to his eyes. Those are the things to encourage him to do more of.

Good luck and feel free to come vent on us, that's what we're here for.

I am sorry to read what you and your husband are going through. You are in this together even if he is the one who is feeling perhaps out of sorts. You are also not alone because many of us have to or have had to face this issue with the person we love. I'm sure it is very draining on you both emotionally and physically and also on your relationship. I worried myself almost sick about this issue before my husband arrived. I've been blessed that he has not so far had a big issue with this or he is good at hiding it from me. He has been in the states for almost 11 months now and to me his adjustment has been easy but I do know that that easy. We have been through so many changes that maybe he hasn't had time to catch his breath yet. We are yet to go through more this month as we have sold our home and will close on our new home by the end of this month if it is finished (I pray). He took care of me for months when I could barely move from surgery, he has a new job that he wasn't sure he wanted but which has turned into such a blessing and a wonderful opportunity. He did have to sit at home for the first few months alone though and it was rough, probably harder than he shared with me. He talked to friends and family by phone and through the computer. He tried to keep busy in the house and took ESL classes. He played soccer and still plays soccer on a team here. I try to get him out and keep him busy but now he has a car and his driver's license and things are easily. If you can just get through the rough spots together there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not going to say we are through the woods yet as I am not the one making all the adjustment though I'm going through some too. I would suggest you try to be there for your husband as best you can but then take care of yourself too. Try to keep him busy (even though you are so busy) and keep his mind off those things that cannot change to the way he may wish but they will change to what he may just grow to love.

My best wishes and prayers to you both.

Doreen

Hey, just wanted to add to this thread something I discovered Abdel loved today. I was cleaning out some drawers of craft supplies and found the one with latch hook stuff in it. There was a half-finished dalmation puppy pillow top in there that I had bought for my son when he was younger but he never finished it.

I brought it into the office to put the stuff in the closet in here and showed Abdel how to do it. I only got one thread on and he took over. He worked on it until the puppy's head was almost finished. He loved it! I know he gets bored when I'm working on the computer so I'm glad I've found something he can enjoy. He wants me to teach him how to make his own patterns on the canvas so he can do original work. I have tons of extra threads so he can choose not only colors but lenghts to create a truly original work.

I guess since rug making is one of the things they do best over there he found this similar enough that he felt at home with it. He's told me about watching rugs being made in the countryside and how long they take. If he enjoys this so much maybe I'll go ahead and try to find a pattern for a rug loom and get him working on one. I've always wanted to try that myself.

The point of this post is to try different hobbies. You might just find one he will grab onto and get into it.

Maybe his headaches have something to do with the food he is eating here. I know pork gives me a bad headache. Or it could be something like clothes soap that he is not used too.

That's a good idea Honey --- And really thank you all so much for the advice. It's made me feel not so alone! Tonight there was a potluck at the mosque and we went. This was our third (forced by me) try and I think it finally worked. He settled in, talked to the guys and really enjoyed himself. One of them is a single guy and he wanted to call Youssef to go out and do stuff sometime. I am REALLY hoping this works out becuase it would be great for him to have a friend. Not that i don't like having him around but I know how important friends can be, especially ones who have gone through similar experiences.

I'm not sure if food is the issue since almost everything we eat is Moroccan food (per his request) and he is hesitant to step out of the small Moroccan box. He has been seeing the chiropractor and I think its helping some but at $34 a visit x3 visits a week I'm not sure how long we can afford it - and I really hate to say that! But anyway I will keep you all informed! Thanks again

Gotta love the arabic dish!

I know what you mean about the chiropractor bills. I was going right before Abdel got here and mine was only $20 a visit 3 times a week. Just seeing that bill made me get up and be more active. My back had gotten messed up from spending so much time sitting - studying, at work, at school, then 4 hours a night online with Abdel.

Hopefully this friendship will be just what he needed to get him out and about.

it's been a LONG time since i have signed online here....
here goes: it's unfortunate that your partner seems depressed. i certainly hope it's something he can get out of with, as mentioned before, a daily routine. it's SO important to have responsibilities (his ESL class etc) to get him out of bed. for additional "encouragement", is there some classmate that can help him? maybe someone who picks him up before class, then he'll feel a bit obliged to go. i'm sure that the routine and the communicating with classmates (who might be going through the same hardships) will help him immensly.

in the same line of thinking.... does he have any friends? life is pretty boring with just ONE contact. (not that you are in any way boring!!! lol) but it puts a LOT of pressure, and thus stress, on you to "perform/entertain" even after a busy day of work/ class etc.

i'm not sure what your financial situation is, but i'm pretty sure a trip to morocco is less expensive that a trip to the ER, sans insurance! maybe he needs to see his family and let them know how he is doing and let him see how that they are getting along without him. A 2 week trip or so is just enough time for him to see his family, but not so long that he gets stagnant in morocco. maybe knowing the expectation of his family --they expect him to be happy, succeed, work, learn etc, i'm sure-- with give him a little kick into a more vigorous lifestyle. my husband was quite proud to show off his accomplishments in the english language when he went to see his family about 9 months after arriving in the usa.

if a trip is affordable, and you think the depression is homesickness, maybe that could be a good solution... or a step towards a solution.

good luck!! keep encouraging him to go to ESL classes...... the ability to communicate makes SUCH a difference! it will give him a lot more independance and self confidence.