Being newly married to a MENA man brings special challenges when separated and going through the visa process. I would talk about this with my counselor but at the end of the session I didn’t feel resolve. Lately my restless mind has been facing the demons in the darkness alone at night. Time and again I expose myself to threads on VJ which come back and haunt the halls of my mind and echo the fears of my subconscious. I have faced some of these ideas in the threads on VJ before going into my marriage by the naysayer’s who chewed my ears those nine months Waleed and I were engaged. I naively assumed during that time that eventually those ideas would die away and our love was strong enough to face anything.
Those of us that marry these men in the post 9/11 environment face seriously scary things that are outside the boundaries of a normal healthy relationship. Certainly they don’t have to worry if we’re a terrorist, or if we’re using them for a green card, or if we have another wife and kids, or if we’re hiding something from them. Most of us that are separated communicate with our long distance spouses through the internet either in some msgr, or VOIP, or text msg, or the international calling card. Communication is essential for any relationship to continue even if your spouse is currently living with you.
It’s both our first marriage. We’ve been married over a year and haven’t seen each other for about as long. The visa process has taken us nine months already. Most of my finances are tied up in finishing college while the Egyptian military took him for a year to 16 months at the beginning of this year. The communication is entirely controlled from his side now because he can only contact me when he can contact me. I am finding myself more frightened then positive about our situation. I continue to battle internally my anxiety and fears which are amplified at night time.
We get only so much time to communicate while he’s on break from the military. It’s not like either of us have read a book for marriage on staying in communication while separated and how to address each others fears as they arise. When I address my fears with him he goes into hiding and the silence is killing. I wish there was a manual on being in an international bi-national marriage with a MENA man while going through the visa process. Then I could read the chapter I’m writing now and save a lot of trouble.
I understand that with most of the MENA men they are virgins when they marry and this is their first intimate relationship. They are like aliens visiting a new planet and shuffling their feet along the ground as if they are unsure of this planets gravity. I have sympathy and compassion for the men who are getting their legs under them. They are learning what the needs of their partner are, and becoming familiar with interacting with them for the first time, and understanding that communication is nourishment to the relationship and should be both ways if possible.
The other day I was in bliss chatting away with my Husband for the first time in a long time since the army took him. We were in messenger for three and half hours when all of a sudden “POOF” he was gone. It's not like this hasn't happened before but given the circumstances it's always disappointing. Thirty minutes later I get a garbled windings mixed sms from him for me to head home if I’m tired because he can’t get logged back on and to send him a time when we can meet the next day. It seems even the text msg was having problems if it’s giving me funny wingding symbols with the text. It isn’t helpful to a relationship when the connection is interrupted because of faulty lines in Egypt or wherever.
I do feel more strongly now that married people should not be apart no matter what. It feels unnatural and unhealthy. I wish he and I had better luck. I wish I’d win the lottery so I could get him out of the Egyptian military and fly there when ever I wanted to so we could see each other more during this process. I wish we’d waited till we were both 30 to get married so I’d be done with college and have some brilliant job and he’d be done with the military and taking his USMLE (United States Medical License Equivalent) and we weren’t facing these struggles we’re in now.
But sometimes I truly wish I didn’t have to face some of the glaring issues that come with being married to a MENA man like he might terrorist and a really good actor, or using me for a green card, or because he’s Muslim he may have another wife and kids somewhere, or he’s just hiding something and how would I know because I am not there able to be with him every second and know he every move and search every inch of his life before past present and future. Will there ever be a time when those issues fade? Is it also naive of me to believe it will be better after we are together? What is the best attitude I can take now?
In these times that I feel weak I have to recognize I neglect the spiritual. Then I turn to God or angels or guides for my answers. I try to calm down and take a warm shower and then drink some tea with honey. Eventually I get my answers in the form of faint good feelings and nice images. I feel guided to stay with him, stick it out, and that things will get better one day. That I just have to be supportive of whatever is going on with him and be there for him. That we’re both growing and maturing during this time apart and maybe we need this time to do that and finish up some personal growth before we’re able to be together having that mature married life and family. We just have a year left. May 2009 I graduate college and he is supposed to for sure be out of the Egyptian military. I don’t have the answers for what comes after that date but I hope and pray that somewhere in there we get to be together starting our life finally.
In this visa journey you’ve got to have faith in something whatever it is, hope for the best, trust in each other, but most of all LOVE.
Full Version: MENA-One Visa Journey For the Book
I understand that with most of the MENA men they are virgins when they marry and this is their first intimate relationship.
i doubt this really if they are over 16, but it is a hard process and very trying on both, especially with u trying to do school and this hanging over your shoulder, just have to trudge on and know in time it will surely end good speedy luck to all of us
i doubt this really if they are over 16, but it is a hard process and very trying on both, especially with u trying to do school and this hanging over your shoulder, just have to trudge on and know in time it will surely end good speedy luck to all of us
Olivia, you have made very good points. It is very difficult to be away from each other. May God make everything easy for you!
that really sound so sad and i know how does it feel
and i think all the couples here have been thinking about the same .
sometimes we feel the same we feel its not normal or healthy relationship cause after one or two years we still apart and we still living away from our loves .
for me it really hurts so much cause i know my fiancée for more than two years and we still apart
but we promised each other to challenge and fight everything till we be together .
and i think you are the only one who have that kinda scary ideas . i think most of American women has the same scary ideas especially if they are married or engaged to Muslims men
maybe they thinking that their men are terrorists and a really good actors, or using them for a green card, or because they are Muslims they may have another wife and kids somewhere .
i don't know if you heard about that or not .
last week the American minister of foreign ( condoleezza rice )
was warning the American women to marry or engage to Egyptian men .
she says the Egyptian men especially young Egyptian men marry old American women for the visa and the green card and then they will divorce them
she says the old American women marry young Egyptian men for their pleasure and the young Egyptian men marry old American men for the visa and the green card!!!!!!!!
and to be honest that really happened and its still happening
but all i want to say i think you can tell of you man loves you or just wants to use you i don't mean really you I'm talking in cowmen .
and i think if you sure that you have your life love, your dream man , your soul mate , your true life
so that man deserve to go through that stupid journey for him .
maybe it will be so much better if you will wait kinda long time and go through retarded journey ( the visa process ) to be with the right man instead of live all of your life with a man who you don't love or maybe who will be so mean and rude to ya
you just have to be patient and challenge everything till you be with your love and i pray to GOD to make that year go faster and faster for you and for me so we can be with the people that we love
my best wishes for ya and you and waleed in my prayers and inshaallah you will be with him soon and fast
and i think all the couples here have been thinking about the same .
sometimes we feel the same we feel its not normal or healthy relationship cause after one or two years we still apart and we still living away from our loves .
for me it really hurts so much cause i know my fiancée for more than two years and we still apart
but we promised each other to challenge and fight everything till we be together .
and i think you are the only one who have that kinda scary ideas . i think most of American women has the same scary ideas especially if they are married or engaged to Muslims men
maybe they thinking that their men are terrorists and a really good actors, or using them for a green card, or because they are Muslims they may have another wife and kids somewhere .
i don't know if you heard about that or not .
last week the American minister of foreign ( condoleezza rice )
was warning the American women to marry or engage to Egyptian men .
she says the Egyptian men especially young Egyptian men marry old American women for the visa and the green card and then they will divorce them
she says the old American women marry young Egyptian men for their pleasure and the young Egyptian men marry old American men for the visa and the green card!!!!!!!!
and to be honest that really happened and its still happening
but all i want to say i think you can tell of you man loves you or just wants to use you i don't mean really you I'm talking in cowmen .
and i think if you sure that you have your life love, your dream man , your soul mate , your true life
so that man deserve to go through that stupid journey for him .
maybe it will be so much better if you will wait kinda long time and go through retarded journey ( the visa process ) to be with the right man instead of live all of your life with a man who you don't love or maybe who will be so mean and rude to ya
you just have to be patient and challenge everything till you be with your love and i pray to GOD to make that year go faster and faster for you and for me so we can be with the people that we love
my best wishes for ya and you and waleed in my prayers and inshaallah you will be with him soon and fast
QUOTE(tenderheart197900 @ Mar 24 2008, 11:04 AM) 
i don't know if you heard about that or not .
last week the American minister of foreign ( condoleezza rice )
was warning the American women to marry or engage to Egyptian men .
she says the Egyptian men especially young Egyptian men marry old American women for the visa and the green card and then they will divorce them
she says the old American women marry young Egyptian men for their pleasure and the young Egyptian men marry old American men for the visa and the green card!!!!!!!!
last week the American minister of foreign ( condoleezza rice )
was warning the American women to marry or engage to Egyptian men .
she says the Egyptian men especially young Egyptian men marry old American women for the visa and the green card and then they will divorce them
she says the old American women marry young Egyptian men for their pleasure and the young Egyptian men marry old American men for the visa and the green card!!!!!!!!
Do you know when and why she said this? I can't seem to find any stories about it...
QUOTE(Jenn! @ Mar 24 2008, 10:07 AM)
QUOTE(tenderheart197900 @ Mar 24 2008, 11:04 AM)
i don't know if you heard about that or not .
last week the American minister of foreign ( condoleezza rice )
was warning the American women to marry or engage to Egyptian men .
she says the Egyptian men especially young Egyptian men marry old American women for the visa and the green card and then they will divorce them
she says the old American women marry young Egyptian men for their pleasure and the young Egyptian men marry old American men for the visa and the green card!!!!!!!!
last week the American minister of foreign ( condoleezza rice )
was warning the American women to marry or engage to Egyptian men .
she says the Egyptian men especially young Egyptian men marry old American women for the visa and the green card and then they will divorce them
she says the old American women marry young Egyptian men for their pleasure and the young Egyptian men marry old American men for the visa and the green card!!!!!!!!
Do you know when and why she said this? I can't seem to find any stories about it...
i will try to look for that for ya
but she really said that and she even said very big number about how many Egyptian divorced their wives after they got the green card but i forgot that number
i forgot to tell you something . yeah in Islam you can marry more than one wife but it does not mean that you should or must marry more then one wife
for me i don't know anyone who married more than wife and i will never ever think to marry more than one wife ( just my queen for sure )
i live in Islamic country so its not like what you think . you what I'm saying ?!!!!!!
QUOTE(tenderheart197900 @ Mar 24 2008, 11:04 AM)
that really sound so sad and i know how does it feel
and i think all the couples here have been thinking about the same .
sometimes we feel the same we feel its not normal or healthy relationship cause after one or two years we still apart and we still living away from our loves .
for me it really hurts so much cause i know my fiancée for more than two years and we still apart
but we promised each other to challenge and fight everything till we be together .
and i think you are the only one who have that kinda scary ideas . i think most of American women has the same scary ideas especially if they are married or engaged to Muslims men
maybe they thinking that their men are terrorists and a really good actors, or using them for a green card, or because they are Muslims they may have another wife and kids somewhere .
i don't know if you heard about that or not .
last week the American minister of foreign ( condoleezza rice )
was warning the American women to marry or engage to Egyptian men .
she says the Egyptian men especially young Egyptian men marry old American women for the visa and the green card and then they will divorce them
she says the old American women marry young Egyptian men for their pleasure and the young Egyptian men marry old American men for the visa and the green card!!!!!!!!
and to be honest that really happened and its still happening
but all i want to say i think you can tell of you man loves you or just wants to use you i don't mean really you I'm talking in cowmen .
and i think if you sure that you have your life love, your dream man , your soul mate , your true life
so that man deserve to go through that stupid journey for him .
maybe it will be so much better if you will wait kinda long time and go through retarded journey ( the visa process ) to be with the right man instead of live all of your life with a man who you don't love or maybe who will be so mean and rude to ya
you just have to be patient and challenge everything till you be with your love and i pray to GOD to make that year go faster and faster for you and for me so we can be with the people that we love
my best wishes for ya and you and waleed in my prayers and inshaallah you will be with him soon and fast
and i think all the couples here have been thinking about the same .
sometimes we feel the same we feel its not normal or healthy relationship cause after one or two years we still apart and we still living away from our loves .
for me it really hurts so much cause i know my fiancée for more than two years and we still apart
but we promised each other to challenge and fight everything till we be together .
and i think you are the only one who have that kinda scary ideas . i think most of American women has the same scary ideas especially if they are married or engaged to Muslims men
maybe they thinking that their men are terrorists and a really good actors, or using them for a green card, or because they are Muslims they may have another wife and kids somewhere .
i don't know if you heard about that or not .
last week the American minister of foreign ( condoleezza rice )
was warning the American women to marry or engage to Egyptian men .
she says the Egyptian men especially young Egyptian men marry old American women for the visa and the green card and then they will divorce them
she says the old American women marry young Egyptian men for their pleasure and the young Egyptian men marry old American men for the visa and the green card!!!!!!!!
and to be honest that really happened and its still happening
but all i want to say i think you can tell of you man loves you or just wants to use you i don't mean really you I'm talking in cowmen .
and i think if you sure that you have your life love, your dream man , your soul mate , your true life
so that man deserve to go through that stupid journey for him .
maybe it will be so much better if you will wait kinda long time and go through retarded journey ( the visa process ) to be with the right man instead of live all of your life with a man who you don't love or maybe who will be so mean and rude to ya
you just have to be patient and challenge everything till you be with your love and i pray to GOD to make that year go faster and faster for you and for me so we can be with the people that we love
my best wishes for ya and you and waleed in my prayers and inshaallah you will be with him soon and fast
It is hard for me to believe that Secretary of State Condolezza Rice would comment like this. It would have been in the world news everywhere! Anyway, regardless of one's husband is a Muslim and from any other faith, sharing everything with each other is very important. If one hides something from his past, it would be hard to trust him. Marrying for green card and then leave happens, no matter the guy is a Muslim or not. But, most men marry for the purpose of marriage. Now a days, usually they put the male visa applicant from a Muslim country on AP for a while.
I also meant to include that as much as you both hate him going to the military isnt this prob accepted as a honor for him and his family that he does his responsibile this (im asking dont really know how this situation is) be proud he accepted this responsibility and didnt find a means to evade it and you know your schooling is a necessity for you so just look foward to this all being behind you, your young you got a long ways to go together in the big picture a year or two is just a small piece, at the time it feels like forever but it wont be
Olivia, im sorry to hear ur having such a bad day but we all have them and i know this wont help u any right now but it will pass ........... and dont worry about the things other people can put in ur mind about marraige for visa or terrorist or any of those things u know ur man more than anyone else in the world well with the exception of his mom
try to be around people that are supportive of ur situation and what ur going thru.........Muslim men for the most part are virgins when they marry so i know its difficult to understand but most once they are married thats it for them........and they do have a hard time understanding the things that go thru womens minds when separated while waiting in ur case for the military to be finished with him.....but one of the things that keeps him going im sure is the fact that he has a loving wife that is waiting for him and he does not worry that u will be unfaithful to him because u r his wife........ someone also told me that men in the military in Egypt that are married to non Egyptian women have a pretty hard time in the service.......i dont know if he has told u about it or not or if he stays silent so that u dont worry.........i dont know if its true or not but its what i have been told so when he is able to talk to u im sure it makes him feel so good inside........yup that crap with the Internet gone while ur chatting sucks.......there are days i want to pull my own hair out i get so frustrated........but we have to hold on to what we are able to have with our men that are in other countries with the bad Internet connections .... I hope u feel better soon i know its a difficult journey and in ur case more so than some of the rest of us..........sara
Keep your faith strong. You and he chose to marry each other. When we get worried or scared and the pressure is tremendous, we take time to remind each other and ourselves that we do believe that God has already set our futures in motion. I dont know your personal beliefs..but we do believe that our futures are set. God already knows the outcome, its already preordained. So nothing we can do will change waht God has set forth in our lives. Yes we have free wills.....but God already knows...God already has directed our paths. So trust in God. "Lean not unto your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and HE will direct your path". Put Satans temptations of bad thoughts out of your mind. What is meant to be...will be. Doesn't mean we should be blind....but God will put signs before us...bold ones to. Not just words uttered or bad connections...but bold signs. Have no fear. Have no worry.
Matthew 6:25-34 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
Do Not Worry
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet God feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[a]? 28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and God knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Keep your eyes on Him. Stay focused....
Matthew 6:25-34 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
Do Not Worry
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet God feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[a]? 28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and God knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Keep your eyes on Him. Stay focused....
Keep your faith strong. You and he chose to marry each other. When we get worried or scared and the pressure is tremendous, we take time to remind each other and ourselves that we do believe that God has already set our futures in motion. I dont know your personal beliefs..but we do believe that our futures are set. God already knows the outcome, its already preordained. So nothing we can do will change waht God has set forth in our lives. Yes we have free wills.....but God already knows...God already has directed our paths. So trust in God. "Lean not unto your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and HE will direct your path". Put Satans temptations of bad thoughts out of your mind. What is meant to be...will be. Doesn't mean we should be blind....but God will put signs before us...bold ones to. Not just words uttered or bad connections...but bold signs. Have no fear. Have no worry.
Matthew 6:25-34 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
Do Not Worry
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet God feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[a]? 28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and God knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Keep your eyes on Him. Stay focused....
Matthew 6:25-34 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
Do Not Worry
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet God feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[a]? 28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and God knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Keep your eyes on Him. Stay focused....
Peace be upon you! Today and everyday
{{{{{{HUGS OLIVIA}}}}}}
Olivia I understand what you are going through.....it is so hard to be apart form your husband And yes it is very new for Islamic men and alot are virgins. It is a sin to have sex before you are married in Islam. Granted some disregard their religion the same as many do here......but more than you think honor their religion. And although the religion allows for 4 wives there is a certain criteria that must be met for it to be considered appropriate. But most the men I have met agree that one wife is all they want or need. Most Muslim men are very devoted to their wives.
Olivia I hope you rheart and mind comes to peace soon.
Cheryl
Olivia I hope you rheart and mind comes to peace soon.
Cheryl
My advice is listen to your concience and heart not others ....think of it like being not much different than a american wife separated from her army husband..that seems to help alot...and if u need to sacrifice school getting done earlier to see him do it....i know you will finsih but what is important now ? I wish you luck and a fast journey. i had the same worries with the eg. army but luckily my husband wasnt a doctor...and i think that is why we got out
I think my husband read that about Condolezza Rice on Aljazeera.
But for you Olivia, we all here understand. What is really hard is when we have people on this board claiming to be well meaning, but in the next sentence tell us that our men are using us for a green card. The fact is yes it does happen, but there are also a lot of relationships that are real. You have already made a commitment with your husband, so unless there is strong evidence then it is just your own insecurities speaking.
The connection problem is the worst. When you finally have time to talk, and poof the connection is gone. Lets face it, we get frantic. One thing you have to remember is that not only you are frantic, but so is your husband. Don't forget that. He is doing his best.
As for when you confront him with your fears, and he either dissappears, or clams up. This is a normal male reaction, whether Arabic, or any other culture. It makes them mad that you have doubts and this is their natural way to deal with it. Us on the other hand feel the need to discuss the issues....NOW. The next time he does this just give him the time he needs. Then when everything is smoothed over just explain to him that this is just a normal woman reaction, and the added stress of being separated makes it that much worse for us. Then ask him if the next time you have your doubts and insecurities if he will just forget that it upset him and instead realize that all it is is a cry from you for the affection you need to hear from him. Tell him to stay calm rather than get mad, and reassure you how much he loves you. Afterall, isn't that really what you are hoping to hear from him?
Men don't understand the insecurities we as women have naturally. Not just that but we don't understand their normal reaction to our doubts. But given calm explanation and time we can both learn to handle each other.
But for you Olivia, we all here understand. What is really hard is when we have people on this board claiming to be well meaning, but in the next sentence tell us that our men are using us for a green card. The fact is yes it does happen, but there are also a lot of relationships that are real. You have already made a commitment with your husband, so unless there is strong evidence then it is just your own insecurities speaking.
The connection problem is the worst. When you finally have time to talk, and poof the connection is gone. Lets face it, we get frantic. One thing you have to remember is that not only you are frantic, but so is your husband. Don't forget that. He is doing his best.
As for when you confront him with your fears, and he either dissappears, or clams up. This is a normal male reaction, whether Arabic, or any other culture. It makes them mad that you have doubts and this is their natural way to deal with it. Us on the other hand feel the need to discuss the issues....NOW. The next time he does this just give him the time he needs. Then when everything is smoothed over just explain to him that this is just a normal woman reaction, and the added stress of being separated makes it that much worse for us. Then ask him if the next time you have your doubts and insecurities if he will just forget that it upset him and instead realize that all it is is a cry from you for the affection you need to hear from him. Tell him to stay calm rather than get mad, and reassure you how much he loves you. Afterall, isn't that really what you are hoping to hear from him?
Men don't understand the insecurities we as women have naturally. Not just that but we don't understand their normal reaction to our doubts. But given calm explanation and time we can both learn to handle each other.
When I first met my SO I got a lot of remarks from people stating, "how can you trust someone from Egypt, who is muslim and maybe he justs wants a visa or how do you know he's not a terrist?" Believe me, I heard it all!!! I finally had to just trust my own instincts and not listen to those ugly words. Yes, I was cautious at first but as more time went by and I got to know my SO and his family more, I felt better. I prayed a lot too and asked God to give me insight, he did, and with that, I started to have peace of mind with it all. Don't listen to what people say, trust yourself and trust in God. If it's meant to be, it will all fall in place eventually.
I know its very hard to be separated, but this too shall pass, hang in there. Your in my thoughts and prayers. HUGS!!
I know its very hard to be separated, but this too shall pass, hang in there. Your in my thoughts and prayers. HUGS!!
just have faith i know waiting is so hard but once u have great fiath in Allah and yourself and your husband i believe u can do it inshaAllah . just think of the day u will go to the airport to pick him how swwet and happy .
i pray for you that you will be with your hubby soon and Allah give you strength ameen
i pray for you that you will be with your hubby soon and Allah give you strength ameen
and yeah trust your heart and love for him
QUOTE(morocco4ever @ Mar 24 2008, 01:37 PM)
I think my husband read that about Condolezza Rice on Aljazeera.
But for you Olivia, we all here understand. What is really hard is when we have people on this board claiming to be well meaning, but in the next sentence tell us that our men are using us for a green card. The fact is yes it does happen, but there are also a lot of relationships that are real. You have already made a commitment with your husband, so unless there is strong evidence then it is just your own insecurities speaking.
The connection problem is the worst. When you finally have time to talk, and poof the connection is gone. Lets face it, we get frantic. One thing you have to remember is that not only you are frantic, but so is your husband. Don't forget that. He is doing his best.
As for when you confront him with your fears, and he either dissappears, or clams up. This is a normal male reaction, whether Arabic, or any other culture. It makes them mad that you have doubts and this is their natural way to deal with it. Us on the other hand feel the need to discuss the issues....NOW. The next time he does this just give him the time he needs. Then when everything is smoothed over just explain to him that this is just a normal woman reaction, and the added stress of being separated makes it that much worse for us. Then ask him if the next time you have your doubts and insecurities if he will just forget that it upset him and instead realize that all it is is a cry from you for the affection you need to hear from him. Tell him to stay calm rather than get mad, and reassure you how much he loves you. Afterall, isn't that really what you are hoping to hear from him?
Men don't understand the insecurities we as women have naturally. Not just that but we don't understand their normal reaction to our doubts. But given calm explanation and time we can both learn to handle each other.
But for you Olivia, we all here understand. What is really hard is when we have people on this board claiming to be well meaning, but in the next sentence tell us that our men are using us for a green card. The fact is yes it does happen, but there are also a lot of relationships that are real. You have already made a commitment with your husband, so unless there is strong evidence then it is just your own insecurities speaking.
The connection problem is the worst. When you finally have time to talk, and poof the connection is gone. Lets face it, we get frantic. One thing you have to remember is that not only you are frantic, but so is your husband. Don't forget that. He is doing his best.
As for when you confront him with your fears, and he either dissappears, or clams up. This is a normal male reaction, whether Arabic, or any other culture. It makes them mad that you have doubts and this is their natural way to deal with it. Us on the other hand feel the need to discuss the issues....NOW. The next time he does this just give him the time he needs. Then when everything is smoothed over just explain to him that this is just a normal woman reaction, and the added stress of being separated makes it that much worse for us. Then ask him if the next time you have your doubts and insecurities if he will just forget that it upset him and instead realize that all it is is a cry from you for the affection you need to hear from him. Tell him to stay calm rather than get mad, and reassure you how much he loves you. Afterall, isn't that really what you are hoping to hear from him?
Men don't understand the insecurities we as women have naturally. Not just that but we don't understand their normal reaction to our doubts. But given calm explanation and time we can both learn to handle each other.
Excellent points - I will remember this. My hubby and I had a disagreement the other day and the power went out before we had a chance to work it out - he came online briefly yesterday just to reassure me before the power went out again. Tomorrow I will tell him just what you said so he realizes so much of my fears are a reaction to the stress of distance and communication problems and basically I just need to know that he loves me.
You know that I had alot doubts because of things that I would read here and then think just because someone elses man did that then it must mean that my muslim husband must be the same, think the same and that is simply not true. I would ask all of these questions that would be negative and it only hurt our relationship. Distance and negativitiy will do this. I talked to him everyday a couple of times and was online with him atleast 3 times or more a week. Still I wanted more, why because I wanted here with me and that was not possible. I am spoiled and I want what I want and I want it now. Yeah we all know that was not happening with this visa process.
My husband was married before and has 4 children and yes I had a hard time with it, but this is the facts and yes I was married before and I have 2 children. I had to realize that I prayed and believe that for what ever reason God wants us to be together. I am not forsure how long and I am no longer willing to worry about that. I have to enjoy each and everyday and give thanks for this day. I know that it may seem easy for me to say this because my husband is with me now and we where only apart for 11 months total. I went through the he!! and all the drama that I allowed into my head and negativity but I have learned that we are all indiviuals and are here to support one another.
I had to lean on God, my faith and prayers. That was all I could do and that is what I try to do each and every day.
Peace be with you!
My husband was married before and has 4 children and yes I had a hard time with it, but this is the facts and yes I was married before and I have 2 children. I had to realize that I prayed and believe that for what ever reason God wants us to be together. I am not forsure how long and I am no longer willing to worry about that. I have to enjoy each and everyday and give thanks for this day. I know that it may seem easy for me to say this because my husband is with me now and we where only apart for 11 months total. I went through the he!! and all the drama that I allowed into my head and negativity but I have learned that we are all indiviuals and are here to support one another.
I had to lean on God, my faith and prayers. That was all I could do and that is what I try to do each and every day.
Peace be with you!
QUOTE(a1angied @ Mar 24 2008, 08:45 PM)
You know that I had alot doubts because of things that I would read here and then think just because someone elses man did that then it must mean that my muslim husband must be the same, think the same and that is simply not true. I would ask all of these questions that would be negative and it only hurt our relationship. Distance and negativitiy will do this. I talked to him everyday a couple of times and was online with him atleast 3 times or more a week. Still I wanted more, why because I wanted here with me and that was not possible. I am spoiled and I want what I want and I want it now. Yeah we all know that was not happening with this visa process.
My husband was married before and has 4 children and yes I had a hard time with it, but this is the facts and yes I was married before and I have 2 children. I had to realize that I prayed and believe that for what ever reason God wants us to be together. I am not forsure how long and I am no longer willing to worry about that. I have to enjoy each and everyday and give thanks for this day. I know that it may seem easy for me to say this because my husband is with me now and we where only apart for 11 months total. I went through the he!! and all the drama that I allowed into my head and negativity but I have learned that we are all indiviuals and are here to support one another.
I had to lean on God, my faith and prayers. That was all I could do and that is what I try to do each and every day.
Peace be with you!
My husband was married before and has 4 children and yes I had a hard time with it, but this is the facts and yes I was married before and I have 2 children. I had to realize that I prayed and believe that for what ever reason God wants us to be together. I am not forsure how long and I am no longer willing to worry about that. I have to enjoy each and everyday and give thanks for this day. I know that it may seem easy for me to say this because my husband is with me now and we where only apart for 11 months total. I went through the he!! and all the drama that I allowed into my head and negativity but I have learned that we are all indiviuals and are here to support one another.
I had to lean on God, my faith and prayers. That was all I could do and that is what I try to do each and every day.
Peace be with you!
There were times when I walked by faith and nothing more. I do not like to think of those times. They were very hard. I do not have words to describe it.
Olivia,
First, the question everyone asks themselves, “do I really know him” could I be fooled. Of course, we all can be conned, but, that is with all men, not just Arab men. Look at all the wife’s, who married their childhood sweetheart, only to find out that the man had a secret life. BTK, family man, well loved, so, anyone is easily conned by a sociopath. Most of the woman of horrific murders, knew their husband most of their lives, and never suspected a thing. So just because you know them well, your family knows them well never guarantees a thing. Follow your gut, keep your eyes open, and chances are you will be fine and never even run into someone like that.
Yes, separation is a nightmare, funny same thing in my first marriage, my ex husband was a navy man, flew planes, and was never never never home. One time he was home for two weeks in one year. I wish I knew the answer to what get’s one through this, all I can say is take it one day at a time. Know you are not alone, and one day this will be behind you. You are in my thoughts.
May you have peace
First, the question everyone asks themselves, “do I really know him” could I be fooled. Of course, we all can be conned, but, that is with all men, not just Arab men. Look at all the wife’s, who married their childhood sweetheart, only to find out that the man had a secret life. BTK, family man, well loved, so, anyone is easily conned by a sociopath. Most of the woman of horrific murders, knew their husband most of their lives, and never suspected a thing. So just because you know them well, your family knows them well never guarantees a thing. Follow your gut, keep your eyes open, and chances are you will be fine and never even run into someone like that.
Yes, separation is a nightmare, funny same thing in my first marriage, my ex husband was a navy man, flew planes, and was never never never home. One time he was home for two weeks in one year. I wish I knew the answer to what get’s one through this, all I can say is take it one day at a time. Know you are not alone, and one day this will be behind you. You are in my thoughts.
May you have peace
QUOTE(Olivia* @ Mar 24 2008, 10:22 AM)
Being newly married to a MENA man brings special challenges when separated and going through the visa process. I would talk about this with my counselor but at the end of the session I didn’t feel resolve. Lately my restless mind has been facing the demons in the darkness alone at night. Time and again I expose myself to threads on VJ which come back and haunt the halls of my mind and echo the fears of my subconscious. I have faced some of these ideas in the threads on VJ before going into my marriage by the naysayer’s who chewed my ears those nine months Waleed and I were engaged. I naively assumed during that time that eventually those ideas would die away and our love was strong enough to face anything.
Those of us that marry these men in the post 9/11 environment face seriously scary things that are outside the boundaries of a normal healthy relationship. Certainly they don’t have to worry if we’re a terrorist, or if we’re using them for a green card, or if we have another wife and kids, or if we’re hiding something from them. Most of us that are separated communicate with our long distance spouses through the internet either in some msgr, or VOIP, or text msg, or the international calling card. Communication is essential for any relationship to continue even if your spouse is currently living with you.
It’s both our first marriage. We’ve been married over a year and haven’t seen each other for about as long. The visa process has taken us nine months already. Most of my finances are tied up in finishing college while the Egyptian military took him for a year to 16 months at the beginning of this year. The communication is entirely controlled from his side now because he can only contact me when he can contact me. I am finding myself more frightened then positive about our situation. I continue to battle internally my anxiety and fears which are amplified at night time.
We get only so much time to communicate while he’s on break from the military. It’s not like either of us have read a book for marriage on staying in communication while separated and how to address each others fears as they arise. When I address my fears with him he goes into hiding and the silence is killing. I wish there was a manual on being in an international bi-national marriage with a MENA man while going through the visa process. Then I could read the chapter I’m writing now and save a lot of trouble.
I understand that with most of the MENA men they are virgins when they marry and this is their first intimate relationship. They are like aliens visiting a new planet and shuffling their feet along the ground as if they are unsure of this planets gravity. I have sympathy and compassion for the men who are getting their legs under them. They are learning what the needs of their partner are, and becoming familiar with interacting with them for the first time, and understanding that communication is nourishment to the relationship and should be both ways if possible.
The other day I was in bliss chatting away with my Husband for the first time in a long time since the army took him. We were in messenger for three and half hours when all of a sudden “POOF” he was gone. It's not like this hasn't happened before but given the circumstances it's always disappointing. Thirty minutes later I get a garbled windings mixed sms from him for me to head home if I’m tired because he can’t get logged back on and to send him a time when we can meet the next day. It seems even the text msg was having problems if it’s giving me funny wingding symbols with the text. It isn’t helpful to a relationship when the connection is interrupted because of faulty lines in Egypt or wherever.
I do feel more strongly now that married people should not be apart no matter what. It feels unnatural and unhealthy. I wish he and I had better luck. I wish I’d win the lottery so I could get him out of the Egyptian military and fly there when ever I wanted to so we could see each other more during this process. I wish we’d waited till we were both 30 to get married so I’d be done with college and have some brilliant job and he’d be done with the military and taking his USMLE (United States Medical License Equivalent) and we weren’t facing these struggles we’re in now.
But sometimes I truly wish I didn’t have to face some of the glaring issues that come with being married to a MENA man like he might terrorist and a really good actor, or using me for a green card, or because he’s Muslim he may have another wife and kids somewhere, or he’s just hiding something and how would I know because I am not there able to be with him every second and know he every move and search every inch of his life before past present and future. Will there ever be a time when those issues fade? Is it also naive of me to believe it will be better after we are together? What is the best attitude I can take now?
In these times that I feel weak I have to recognize I neglect the spiritual. Then I turn to God or angels or guides for my answers. I try to calm down and take a warm shower and then drink some tea with honey. Eventually I get my answers in the form of faint good feelings and nice images. I feel guided to stay with him, stick it out, and that things will get better one day. That I just have to be supportive of whatever is going on with him and be there for him. That we’re both growing and maturing during this time apart and maybe we need this time to do that and finish up some personal growth before we’re able to be together having that mature married life and family. We just have a year left. May 2009 I graduate college and he is supposed to for sure be out of the Egyptian military. I don’t have the answers for what comes after that date but I hope and pray that somewhere in there we get to be together starting our life finally.
In this visa journey you’ve got to have faith in something whatever it is, hope for the best, trust in each other, but most of all LOVE.
Those of us that marry these men in the post 9/11 environment face seriously scary things that are outside the boundaries of a normal healthy relationship. Certainly they don’t have to worry if we’re a terrorist, or if we’re using them for a green card, or if we have another wife and kids, or if we’re hiding something from them. Most of us that are separated communicate with our long distance spouses through the internet either in some msgr, or VOIP, or text msg, or the international calling card. Communication is essential for any relationship to continue even if your spouse is currently living with you.
It’s both our first marriage. We’ve been married over a year and haven’t seen each other for about as long. The visa process has taken us nine months already. Most of my finances are tied up in finishing college while the Egyptian military took him for a year to 16 months at the beginning of this year. The communication is entirely controlled from his side now because he can only contact me when he can contact me. I am finding myself more frightened then positive about our situation. I continue to battle internally my anxiety and fears which are amplified at night time.
We get only so much time to communicate while he’s on break from the military. It’s not like either of us have read a book for marriage on staying in communication while separated and how to address each others fears as they arise. When I address my fears with him he goes into hiding and the silence is killing. I wish there was a manual on being in an international bi-national marriage with a MENA man while going through the visa process. Then I could read the chapter I’m writing now and save a lot of trouble.
I understand that with most of the MENA men they are virgins when they marry and this is their first intimate relationship. They are like aliens visiting a new planet and shuffling their feet along the ground as if they are unsure of this planets gravity. I have sympathy and compassion for the men who are getting their legs under them. They are learning what the needs of their partner are, and becoming familiar with interacting with them for the first time, and understanding that communication is nourishment to the relationship and should be both ways if possible.
The other day I was in bliss chatting away with my Husband for the first time in a long time since the army took him. We were in messenger for three and half hours when all of a sudden “POOF” he was gone. It's not like this hasn't happened before but given the circumstances it's always disappointing. Thirty minutes later I get a garbled windings mixed sms from him for me to head home if I’m tired because he can’t get logged back on and to send him a time when we can meet the next day. It seems even the text msg was having problems if it’s giving me funny wingding symbols with the text. It isn’t helpful to a relationship when the connection is interrupted because of faulty lines in Egypt or wherever.
I do feel more strongly now that married people should not be apart no matter what. It feels unnatural and unhealthy. I wish he and I had better luck. I wish I’d win the lottery so I could get him out of the Egyptian military and fly there when ever I wanted to so we could see each other more during this process. I wish we’d waited till we were both 30 to get married so I’d be done with college and have some brilliant job and he’d be done with the military and taking his USMLE (United States Medical License Equivalent) and we weren’t facing these struggles we’re in now.
But sometimes I truly wish I didn’t have to face some of the glaring issues that come with being married to a MENA man like he might terrorist and a really good actor, or using me for a green card, or because he’s Muslim he may have another wife and kids somewhere, or he’s just hiding something and how would I know because I am not there able to be with him every second and know he every move and search every inch of his life before past present and future. Will there ever be a time when those issues fade? Is it also naive of me to believe it will be better after we are together? What is the best attitude I can take now?
In these times that I feel weak I have to recognize I neglect the spiritual. Then I turn to God or angels or guides for my answers. I try to calm down and take a warm shower and then drink some tea with honey. Eventually I get my answers in the form of faint good feelings and nice images. I feel guided to stay with him, stick it out, and that things will get better one day. That I just have to be supportive of whatever is going on with him and be there for him. That we’re both growing and maturing during this time apart and maybe we need this time to do that and finish up some personal growth before we’re able to be together having that mature married life and family. We just have a year left. May 2009 I graduate college and he is supposed to for sure be out of the Egyptian military. I don’t have the answers for what comes after that date but I hope and pray that somewhere in there we get to be together starting our life finally.
In this visa journey you’ve got to have faith in something whatever it is, hope for the best, trust in each other, but most of all LOVE.
Keep going on cruises....you look beautiful and rested....keep living a rich life..Develop rich friendships with women
No one knows if they will be used for papers or not.....but no one knows if an american will betray and batter them (happened to me)and you have to keep traveling...I am having a baby at 41 with an algerian man who sometimes disappoints me but I am in love with and listening to others would have cut short this journey....Olivia....build your life while you wait.Read incredible books and go on every cruise possible...Love with wild abandon....you will never regret it even if things go south....you loved,you lived...you tasted life...
listen olivia
QUOTE(Olivia* @ Mar 24 2008, 10:22 AM)
Being newly married to a MENA man brings special challenges when separated and going through the visa process. I would talk about this with my counselor but at the end of the session I didn’t feel resolve. Lately my restless mind has been facing the demons in the darkness alone at night. Time and again I expose myself to threads on VJ which come back and haunt the halls of my mind and echo the fears of my subconscious. I have faced some of these ideas in the threads on VJ before going into my marriage by the naysayer’s who chewed my ears those nine months Waleed and I were engaged. I naively assumed during that time that eventually those ideas would die away and our love was strong enough to face anything.
Those of us that marry these men in the post 9/11 environment face seriously scary things that are outside the boundaries of a normal healthy relationship. Certainly they don’t have to worry if we’re a terrorist, or if we’re using them for a green card, or if we have another wife and kids, or if we’re hiding something from them. Most of us that are separated communicate with our long distance spouses through the internet either in some msgr, or VOIP, or text msg, or the international calling card. Communication is essential for any relationship to continue even if your spouse is currently living with you.
It’s both our first marriage. We’ve been married over a year and haven’t seen each other for about as long. The visa process has taken us nine months already. Most of my finances are tied up in finishing college while the Egyptian military took him for a year to 16 months at the beginning of this year. The communication is entirely controlled from his side now because he can only contact me when he can contact me. I am finding myself more frightened then positive about our situation. I continue to battle internally my anxiety and fears which are amplified at night time.
We get only so much time to communicate while he’s on break from the military. It’s not like either of us have read a book for marriage on staying in communication while separated and how to address each others fears as they arise. When I address my fears with him he goes into hiding and the silence is killing. I wish there was a manual on being in an international bi-national marriage with a MENA man while going through the visa process. Then I could read the chapter I’m writing now and save a lot of trouble.
I understand that with most of the MENA men they are virgins when they marry and this is their first intimate relationship. They are like aliens visiting a new planet and shuffling their feet along the ground as if they are unsure of this planets gravity. I have sympathy and compassion for the men who are getting their legs under them. They are learning what the needs of their partner are, and becoming familiar with interacting with them for the first time, and understanding that communication is nourishment to the relationship and should be both ways if possible.
The other day I was in bliss chatting away with my Husband for the first time in a long time since the army took him. We were in messenger for three and half hours when all of a sudden “POOF” he was gone. It's not like this hasn't happened before but given the circumstances it's always disappointing. Thirty minutes later I get a garbled windings mixed sms from him for me to head home if I’m tired because he can’t get logged back on and to send him a time when we can meet the next day. It seems even the text msg was having problems if it’s giving me funny wingding symbols with the text. It isn’t helpful to a relationship when the connection is interrupted because of faulty lines in Egypt or wherever.
I do feel more strongly now that married people should not be apart no matter what. It feels unnatural and unhealthy. I wish he and I had better luck. I wish I’d win the lottery so I could get him out of the Egyptian military and fly there when ever I wanted to so we could see each other more during this process. I wish we’d waited till we were both 30 to get married so I’d be done with college and have some brilliant job and he’d be done with the military and taking his USMLE (United States Medical License Equivalent) and we weren’t facing these struggles we’re in now.
But sometimes I truly wish I didn’t have to face some of the glaring issues that come with being married to a MENA man like he might terrorist and a really good actor, or using me for a green card, or because he’s Muslim he may have another wife and kids somewhere, or he’s just hiding something and how would I know because I am not there able to be with him every second and know he every move and search every inch of his life before past present and future. Will there ever be a time when those issues fade? Is it also naive of me to believe it will be better after we are together? What is the best attitude I can take now?
In these times that I feel weak I have to recognize I neglect the spiritual. Then I turn to God or angels or guides for my answers. I try to calm down and take a warm shower and then drink some tea with honey. Eventually I get my answers in the form of faint good feelings and nice images. I feel guided to stay with him, stick it out, and that things will get better one day. That I just have to be supportive of whatever is going on with him and be there for him. That we’re both growing and maturing during this time apart and maybe we need this time to do that and finish up some personal growth before we’re able to be together having that mature married life and family. We just have a year left. May 2009 I graduate college and he is supposed to for sure be out of the Egyptian military. I don’t have the answers for what comes after that date but I hope and pray that somewhere in there we get to be together starting our life finally.
In this visa journey you’ve got to have faith in something whatever it is, hope for the best, trust in each other, but most of all LOVE.
Those of us that marry these men in the post 9/11 environment face seriously scary things that are outside the boundaries of a normal healthy relationship. Certainly they don’t have to worry if we’re a terrorist, or if we’re using them for a green card, or if we have another wife and kids, or if we’re hiding something from them. Most of us that are separated communicate with our long distance spouses through the internet either in some msgr, or VOIP, or text msg, or the international calling card. Communication is essential for any relationship to continue even if your spouse is currently living with you.
It’s both our first marriage. We’ve been married over a year and haven’t seen each other for about as long. The visa process has taken us nine months already. Most of my finances are tied up in finishing college while the Egyptian military took him for a year to 16 months at the beginning of this year. The communication is entirely controlled from his side now because he can only contact me when he can contact me. I am finding myself more frightened then positive about our situation. I continue to battle internally my anxiety and fears which are amplified at night time.
We get only so much time to communicate while he’s on break from the military. It’s not like either of us have read a book for marriage on staying in communication while separated and how to address each others fears as they arise. When I address my fears with him he goes into hiding and the silence is killing. I wish there was a manual on being in an international bi-national marriage with a MENA man while going through the visa process. Then I could read the chapter I’m writing now and save a lot of trouble.
I understand that with most of the MENA men they are virgins when they marry and this is their first intimate relationship. They are like aliens visiting a new planet and shuffling their feet along the ground as if they are unsure of this planets gravity. I have sympathy and compassion for the men who are getting their legs under them. They are learning what the needs of their partner are, and becoming familiar with interacting with them for the first time, and understanding that communication is nourishment to the relationship and should be both ways if possible.
The other day I was in bliss chatting away with my Husband for the first time in a long time since the army took him. We were in messenger for three and half hours when all of a sudden “POOF” he was gone. It's not like this hasn't happened before but given the circumstances it's always disappointing. Thirty minutes later I get a garbled windings mixed sms from him for me to head home if I’m tired because he can’t get logged back on and to send him a time when we can meet the next day. It seems even the text msg was having problems if it’s giving me funny wingding symbols with the text. It isn’t helpful to a relationship when the connection is interrupted because of faulty lines in Egypt or wherever.
I do feel more strongly now that married people should not be apart no matter what. It feels unnatural and unhealthy. I wish he and I had better luck. I wish I’d win the lottery so I could get him out of the Egyptian military and fly there when ever I wanted to so we could see each other more during this process. I wish we’d waited till we were both 30 to get married so I’d be done with college and have some brilliant job and he’d be done with the military and taking his USMLE (United States Medical License Equivalent) and we weren’t facing these struggles we’re in now.
But sometimes I truly wish I didn’t have to face some of the glaring issues that come with being married to a MENA man like he might terrorist and a really good actor, or using me for a green card, or because he’s Muslim he may have another wife and kids somewhere, or he’s just hiding something and how would I know because I am not there able to be with him every second and know he every move and search every inch of his life before past present and future. Will there ever be a time when those issues fade? Is it also naive of me to believe it will be better after we are together? What is the best attitude I can take now?
In these times that I feel weak I have to recognize I neglect the spiritual. Then I turn to God or angels or guides for my answers. I try to calm down and take a warm shower and then drink some tea with honey. Eventually I get my answers in the form of faint good feelings and nice images. I feel guided to stay with him, stick it out, and that things will get better one day. That I just have to be supportive of whatever is going on with him and be there for him. That we’re both growing and maturing during this time apart and maybe we need this time to do that and finish up some personal growth before we’re able to be together having that mature married life and family. We just have a year left. May 2009 I graduate college and he is supposed to for sure be out of the Egyptian military. I don’t have the answers for what comes after that date but I hope and pray that somewhere in there we get to be together starting our life finally.
In this visa journey you’ve got to have faith in something whatever it is, hope for the best, trust in each other, but most of all LOVE.
Video no longer available?
QUOTE(wahrania @ Mar 24 2008, 06:46 PM)
listen olivia
Olivia - May your faith keep you strong and listen to your heart and your inner voice....its hard, very hard to be away from the one you love..and add the shotty connections and lack of ongoing communication and it's hard.......
I am here for you if you ever need a ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on....
Melinda
I am here for you if you ever need a ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on....
Melinda
QUOTE(Olivia* @ Mar 24 2008, 10:22 AM)
Being newly married to a MENA man brings special challenges when separated and going through the visa process. I would talk about this with my counselor but at the end of the session I didn’t feel resolve. Lately my restless mind has been facing the demons in the darkness alone at night. Time and again I expose myself to threads on VJ which come back and haunt the halls of my mind and echo the fears of my subconscious. I have faced some of these ideas in the threads on VJ before going into my marriage by the naysayer’s who chewed my ears those nine months Waleed and I were engaged. I naively assumed during that time that eventually those ideas would die away and our love was strong enough to face anything.
Those of us that marry these men in the post 9/11 environment face seriously scary things that are outside the boundaries of a normal healthy relationship. Certainly they don’t have to worry if we’re a terrorist, or if we’re using them for a green card, or if we have another wife and kids, or if we’re hiding something from them. Most of us that are separated communicate with our long distance spouses through the internet either in some msgr, or VOIP, or text msg, or the international calling card. Communication is essential for any relationship to continue even if your spouse is currently living with you.
It’s both our first marriage. We’ve been married over a year and haven’t seen each other for about as long. The visa process has taken us nine months already. Most of my finances are tied up in finishing college while the Egyptian military took him for a year to 16 months at the beginning of this year. The communication is entirely controlled from his side now because he can only contact me when he can contact me. I am finding myself more frightened then positive about our situation. I continue to battle internally my anxiety and fears which are amplified at night time.
We get only so much time to communicate while he’s on break from the military. It’s not like either of us have read a book for marriage on staying in communication while separated and how to address each others fears as they arise. When I address my fears with him he goes into hiding and the silence is killing. I wish there was a manual on being in an international bi-national marriage with a MENA man while going through the visa process. Then I could read the chapter I’m writing now and save a lot of trouble.
I understand that with most of the MENA men they are virgins when they marry and this is their first intimate relationship. They are like aliens visiting a new planet and shuffling their feet along the ground as if they are unsure of this planets gravity. I have sympathy and compassion for the men who are getting their legs under them. They are learning what the needs of their partner are, and becoming familiar with interacting with them for the first time, and understanding that communication is nourishment to the relationship and should be both ways if possible.
The other day I was in bliss chatting away with my Husband for the first time in a long time since the army took him. We were in messenger for three and half hours when all of a sudden “POOF” he was gone. It's not like this hasn't happened before but given the circumstances it's always disappointing. Thirty minutes later I get a garbled windings mixed sms from him for me to head home if I’m tired because he can’t get logged back on and to send him a time when we can meet the next day. It seems even the text msg was having problems if it’s giving me funny wingding symbols with the text. It isn’t helpful to a relationship when the connection is interrupted because of faulty lines in Egypt or wherever.
I do feel more strongly now that married people should not be apart no matter what. It feels unnatural and unhealthy. I wish he and I had better luck. I wish I’d win the lottery so I could get him out of the Egyptian military and fly there when ever I wanted to so we could see each other more during this process. I wish we’d waited till we were both 30 to get married so I’d be done with college and have some brilliant job and he’d be done with the military and taking his USMLE (United States Medical License Equivalent) and we weren’t facing these struggles we’re in now.
But sometimes I truly wish I didn’t have to face some of the glaring issues that come with being married to a MENA man like he might terrorist and a really good actor, or using me for a green card, or because he’s Muslim he may have another wife and kids somewhere, or he’s just hiding something and how would I know because I am not there able to be with him every second and know he every move and search every inch of his life before past present and future. Will there ever be a time when those issues fade? Is it also naive of me to believe it will be better after we are together? What is the best attitude I can take now?
In these times that I feel weak I have to recognize I neglect the spiritual. Then I turn to God or angels or guides for my answers. I try to calm down and take a warm shower and then drink some tea with honey. Eventually I get my answers in the form of faint good feelings and nice images. I feel guided to stay with him, stick it out, and that things will get better one day. That I just have to be supportive of whatever is going on with him and be there for him. That we’re both growing and maturing during this time apart and maybe we need this time to do that and finish up some personal growth before we’re able to be together having that mature married life and family. We just have a year left. May 2009 I graduate college and he is supposed to for sure be out of the Egyptian military. I don’t have the answers for what comes after that date but I hope and pray that somewhere in there we get to be together starting our life finally.
In this visa journey you’ve got to have faith in something whatever it is, hope for the best, trust in each other, but most of all LOVE.
Those of us that marry these men in the post 9/11 environment face seriously scary things that are outside the boundaries of a normal healthy relationship. Certainly they don’t have to worry if we’re a terrorist, or if we’re using them for a green card, or if we have another wife and kids, or if we’re hiding something from them. Most of us that are separated communicate with our long distance spouses through the internet either in some msgr, or VOIP, or text msg, or the international calling card. Communication is essential for any relationship to continue even if your spouse is currently living with you.
It’s both our first marriage. We’ve been married over a year and haven’t seen each other for about as long. The visa process has taken us nine months already. Most of my finances are tied up in finishing college while the Egyptian military took him for a year to 16 months at the beginning of this year. The communication is entirely controlled from his side now because he can only contact me when he can contact me. I am finding myself more frightened then positive about our situation. I continue to battle internally my anxiety and fears which are amplified at night time.
We get only so much time to communicate while he’s on break from the military. It’s not like either of us have read a book for marriage on staying in communication while separated and how to address each others fears as they arise. When I address my fears with him he goes into hiding and the silence is killing. I wish there was a manual on being in an international bi-national marriage with a MENA man while going through the visa process. Then I could read the chapter I’m writing now and save a lot of trouble.
I understand that with most of the MENA men they are virgins when they marry and this is their first intimate relationship. They are like aliens visiting a new planet and shuffling their feet along the ground as if they are unsure of this planets gravity. I have sympathy and compassion for the men who are getting their legs under them. They are learning what the needs of their partner are, and becoming familiar with interacting with them for the first time, and understanding that communication is nourishment to the relationship and should be both ways if possible.
The other day I was in bliss chatting away with my Husband for the first time in a long time since the army took him. We were in messenger for three and half hours when all of a sudden “POOF” he was gone. It's not like this hasn't happened before but given the circumstances it's always disappointing. Thirty minutes later I get a garbled windings mixed sms from him for me to head home if I’m tired because he can’t get logged back on and to send him a time when we can meet the next day. It seems even the text msg was having problems if it’s giving me funny wingding symbols with the text. It isn’t helpful to a relationship when the connection is interrupted because of faulty lines in Egypt or wherever.
I do feel more strongly now that married people should not be apart no matter what. It feels unnatural and unhealthy. I wish he and I had better luck. I wish I’d win the lottery so I could get him out of the Egyptian military and fly there when ever I wanted to so we could see each other more during this process. I wish we’d waited till we were both 30 to get married so I’d be done with college and have some brilliant job and he’d be done with the military and taking his USMLE (United States Medical License Equivalent) and we weren’t facing these struggles we’re in now.
But sometimes I truly wish I didn’t have to face some of the glaring issues that come with being married to a MENA man like he might terrorist and a really good actor, or using me for a green card, or because he’s Muslim he may have another wife and kids somewhere, or he’s just hiding something and how would I know because I am not there able to be with him every second and know he every move and search every inch of his life before past present and future. Will there ever be a time when those issues fade? Is it also naive of me to believe it will be better after we are together? What is the best attitude I can take now?
In these times that I feel weak I have to recognize I neglect the spiritual. Then I turn to God or angels or guides for my answers. I try to calm down and take a warm shower and then drink some tea with honey. Eventually I get my answers in the form of faint good feelings and nice images. I feel guided to stay with him, stick it out, and that things will get better one day. That I just have to be supportive of whatever is going on with him and be there for him. That we’re both growing and maturing during this time apart and maybe we need this time to do that and finish up some personal growth before we’re able to be together having that mature married life and family. We just have a year left. May 2009 I graduate college and he is supposed to for sure be out of the Egyptian military. I don’t have the answers for what comes after that date but I hope and pray that somewhere in there we get to be together starting our life finally.
In this visa journey you’ve got to have faith in something whatever it is, hope for the best, trust in each other, but most of all LOVE.
QUOTE(Olivia* @ Mar 24 2008, 10:22 AM)
Those of us that marry these men in the post 9/11 environment face seriously scary things that are outside the boundaries of a normal healthy relationship. Certainly they don’t have to worry if we’re a terrorist, or if we’re using them for a green card, or if we have another wife and kids, or if we’re hiding something from them. /size]
QUOTE(Olivia* @ Mar 24 2008, 10:22 AM)
[size=3]
But sometimes I truly wish I didn’t have to face some of the glaring issues that come with being married to a MENA man like he might terrorist and a really good actor, or using me for a green card, or because he’s Muslim he may have another wife and kids somewhere, or he’s just hiding something and how would I know because I am not there able to be with him every second and know he every move and search every inch of his life before past present and future. Will there ever be a time when those issues fade? Is it also naive of me to believe it will be better after we are together? What is the best attitude I can take now?
But sometimes I truly wish I didn’t have to face some of the glaring issues that come with being married to a MENA man like he might terrorist and a really good actor, or using me for a green card, or because he’s Muslim he may have another wife and kids somewhere, or he’s just hiding something and how would I know because I am not there able to be with him every second and know he every move and search every inch of his life before past present and future. Will there ever be a time when those issues fade? Is it also naive of me to believe it will be better after we are together? What is the best attitude I can take now?
I don't think these are issues that inherently "come with being married to a MENA man". I don't have these concerns about my husband, and any questions I did have about him were resolved prior to marrying him. Nearly all of those questions would have been the same regardless of the region my husband was from, except perhaps spending a lot of time discussing how the adjustment would impact us both. Therefore, speaking only for myself, issues can be worked through, but our issues were not the same. Frankly, some of the things you address border or cross into the bigoted stereotypes we get from outsiders, in particular "because he’s Muslim he may have another wife and kids somewhere" and "he might terrorist ".
I am not trying to be unsympathetic to the obvious duress you are under, but I find these "concerns" not only objectionable and somewhat offensive, but also (with perhaps the green card issue which is rarely as black and white as people make it out to be) unwarranted if they are to be chalked up to being issues that "come with being married to a MENA man". I think these issues are often more reflective of the baggage we carry into our relationships (lack of trust, past bad experiences/abuse, poor judgment in previous relationships, prejudices, etc.) rather than a real reflection of MENA men.
I don't know if you will get past these issues, but I wish you the best in doing so. You seem like a reflective person and perhaps reflecting on how much this is really about you and/or stereotypes/prejudices you may unknowingly hold (in particular since you mention terrorism/post 9/11) will help you begin to work through these issues, leaving you only with concerns that are really worth dwelling on.
QUOTE(Olivia* @ Mar 24 2008, 09:22 AM)
Those of us that marry these men in the post 9/11 environment face seriously scary things that are outside the boundaries of a normal healthy relationship. Certainly they don’t have to worry if we’re a terrorist, or if we’re using them for a green card, or if we have another wife and kids, or if we’re hiding something from them.
But sometimes I truly wish I didn’t have to face some of the glaring issues that come with being married to a MENA man like he might terrorist and a really good actor, or using me for a green card, or because he’s Muslim he may have another wife and kids somewhere, or he’s just hiding something and how would I know because I am not there able to be with him every second and know he every move and search every inch of his life before past present and future. Will there ever be a time when those issues fade? Is it also naive of me to believe it will be better after we are together? What is the best attitude I can take now?
But sometimes I truly wish I didn’t have to face some of the glaring issues that come with being married to a MENA man like he might terrorist and a really good actor, or using me for a green card, or because he’s Muslim he may have another wife and kids somewhere, or he’s just hiding something and how would I know because I am not there able to be with him every second and know he every move and search every inch of his life before past present and future. Will there ever be a time when those issues fade? Is it also naive of me to believe it will be better after we are together? What is the best attitude I can take now?
If you are going to worry about this 99.999999999% unlikelihood, you might as well worry if he is really a woman, if he's gay, if he likes to drink the blood of chickens while dancing around a bonfire at night. The greater likelihood is that this is based on your own bigotry, which you should really get a handle on before your angels bring your husband to you.
Olivia has support here. Go crap on another forum.
QUOTE(Olivia* @ Mar 24 2008, 09:49 PM)
don't worry too much about what she has to say, i doubt she'd have a kind word for mother teresa either.
Olivia!! I know it's hard when everyone you are in contact with (family and friends) telling you how wrong it is, but you know in your heart what is right and wrong for you. I have no idea why the connection starts acting silly when the conversation is most important to us.
Just keep your faith and keep praying, and you know you can always count on me, if you need anything just write me, I'll be here for you insha Allah.
Hugs,
Ayesha
Peezey, have you ever considered a job in social work? Perhaps a suicide hotline? Such a natural knack with heartfelt concern. 
QUOTE(morocco4ever @ Mar 24 2008, 09:56 PM)
Peezey, have you ever considered a job in social work? Perhaps a suicide hotline? Such a natural knack with heartfelt concern.
actually i thought she'd do well training attack dogs. 
QUOTE(charlesandnessa @ Mar 24 2008, 09:57 PM)
QUOTE(morocco4ever @ Mar 24 2008, 09:56 PM)
Peezey, have you ever considered a job in social work? Perhaps a suicide hotline? Such a natural knack with heartfelt concern.
actually i thought she'd do well training attack dogs. 
Both of you crack me up!
Now I wonder if I am a bigot. I just learn about the Iranian Hostage Crisis of 79-81, the World Trade Center Bombing of 1993, the 9/11 attacks of 2001 and the ppl who performed those attacks and what I am supposed to take from that. I really have to exam am I a bigot. I did travel through Egypt with some fears sometimes because I am an American. The US website warned about militant fractions in rural regions. Do I have bigot beliefs? Should I see past their race, culture, creed and what message they were sending doing this and look at myself and my perception? Ugh now I am confused. This will keep me up all night another night.
I feel for you, Olivia, but I also wish I could say what I'm really thinking these days.
Well, in all fairness, I do think it is a good point - I mean, really, how many of us really have a secret fear that our SO is a terrorist? It's kind of irrational, no? Going off of the analogy that Ganja_girl brought up, it really wouldn't be unlike having a fear that your husband is a serial killer. In any case, I'd bet that Olivia mentioned this as a passing thought, not a true concern, but more representative of the risks that one takes having a foreign partner from any country.
QUOTE(Olivia* @ Mar 24 2008, 11:04 PM)
Now I wonder if I am a bigot. I just learn about the Iranian Hostage Crisis of 79-81, the World Trade Center Bombing of 1993, the 9/11 attacks of 2001 and the ppl who performed those attacks and what I am supposed to take from that. I really have to exam am I a bigot. I did travel through Egypt with some fears sometimes because I am an American. The US website warned about militant fractions in rural regions. Do I have bigot beliefs? Should I see past their race, culture, creed and what message they were sending doing this and look at myself and my perception? Ugh now I am confused. This will keep me up all night another night.
Sweety, don't pay attention to the slugs of this site. You are fine, you are a normal woman that has emotions just like a million other women. You go through hell with this process and it can drive even the strongest women insane. What you are feeling will be gone given a little TLC.
QUOTE(Olivia* @ Mar 24 2008, 11:04 PM)
Now I wonder if I am a bigot. I just learn about the Iranian Hostage Crisis of 79-81, the World Trade Center Bombing of 1993, the 9/11 attacks of 2001 and the ppl who performed those attacks and what I am supposed to take from that. I really have to exam am I a bigot. I did travel through Egypt with some fears sometimes because I am an American. The US website warned about militant fractions in rural regions. Do I have bigot beliefs? Should I see past their race, culture, creed and what message they were sending doing this and look at myself and my perception? Ugh now I am confused. This will keep me up all night another night.
I think what you should take from that is there are nutty people in every part of this world who will do horrendous things. But when you take the negative actions of a minority and allow that to shape your view of an entire group, it is prejudice. None of us are free from it entirely. Some of the concerns you addressed in your post are extreme unlikelihoods that seem more likely based in post 9/11 fears, lack of exposure to MENA people, American media stereotypes, etc. Peezey's response was harsh, but the likelihood of your husband being a terrorist is probably the same as the things she mentioned. Likewise, most studies report the incidence of polygyny in Egypt as being extremely low. So is this a reality-based concern or one based on stereotypes about a culture? This is not meant as criticism of you, and as I said, we all have prejudices. I just thought stepping back and really reflecting on what is triggering these issues might help you work through them since you obviously want to work through them.
(I did travel through Egypt with some fears sometimes because I am an American. The US website warned about militant fractions in rural regions)
its just an illusion . you know what you are so much safer when you are in Egypt more than USA
cause no one can hurt you even the Egyptian police or the Egyptian government cause you are American citizen
and you have to know that Egyptian people are so kind and they really loves American
I'm serious I'm not just saying . maybe they don't like the American government
its just an illusion . you know what you are so much safer when you are in Egypt more than USA
cause no one can hurt you even the Egyptian police or the Egyptian government cause you are American citizen
and you have to know that Egyptian people are so kind and they really loves American
I'm serious I'm not just saying . maybe they don't like the American government
Olivia,
You don't sound like a bigot at all. You just have spent too many lonely nights with too much time to think and analyze all of the possibilities. You are just worried, not prejudiced. If you were a bigot, you would not have married someone from Egypt in the first place. I think in time you will feel more trusting. I am wondering how long you knew your husband before you married?
I understand how hard and painful it can be, and all the doubts and uncertainties. But I always felt able to hold onto the faith I had in me and him being together. I always told myself that if my love with my husband wasn't real, how could I stand to wait this long for something that wasn't that strong? I don't feel like I'm a person with great will power, but I think I was able to hold on bec. I felt inside there was something WORTH holding on to. Only YOU can know what you have with your husband, and you should not let anyone else inject bad ideas into your head, but just use your own judgement based on what you know about your husband and your relationship with him.
My husband also used to get very quiet when we had arguments and it would be very worrisome to me. Until I learned this was his style and that it was from the way he grew up in a chaotic household. He does not like confrontation, whereas I think in American culture we like to get things out and in the open. Maybe this is your husband's style also to be quiet and avoid conflict, and you should ask him why he does not want to talk about certain things when you bring them up. I have had long conversations with my husband several times about the value of each of our styles of arguing, and we had to learn to compromise. You should try to bring it up gently with him, and be as non-confrontational as possible, as well as objective and not too emotional. Try to see if he will open up a little...
Your post was very beautiful and you described the feelings that we are all going through so well. Maybe one day we should all try to write a manual on being married to a MENA man
I think the attitude you should have it what another member posted - just go for what your heart tells you, so you will fee that you have "loved,you lived...you tasted life..." And in the end you will have lived fully and not based on your fear, and that is worth any pain and suffering you might have (as well as all the good and happy results in your life). Even my lawyer tried to warn me not do the K3 instead of the CR-1, so I wouldn't have to sign the affidavit of support until I lived with my husband for awhile. And this really did scare me, and I had to stop and think what I should do. And finally I knew the only right thing - to live based on what my heart says and not a desire to be secure financially or to manage my life based on the fear of what COULD go wrong. It felt so right to just dive in and take the chance....
You said - "That we’re both growing and maturing during this time apart and maybe we need this time to do that and finish up some personal growth before we’re able to be together having that mature married life and family. We just have a year left. May 2009 I graduate college and he is supposed to for sure be out of the Egyptian military." --This sounds sooo much like me and my husband a year ago, when I was getting ready to graduate from school, and he was still finishing his job contract. Now we are getting ready to be together in a few months, and he just received his visa a week ago. What we waited for all this time (and thought so often would never happen), is happening.
And you are right, this time is growing time and although it hurts, it will not be wasted, as long as you can hold on and keep hope. This site is also so helpful to get through the process and share experiences. I hope you will feel peace inside and keep growing personally and in the relationship you have with your husband.
KEKhan
You don't sound like a bigot at all. You just have spent too many lonely nights with too much time to think and analyze all of the possibilities. You are just worried, not prejudiced. If you were a bigot, you would not have married someone from Egypt in the first place. I think in time you will feel more trusting. I am wondering how long you knew your husband before you married?
I understand how hard and painful it can be, and all the doubts and uncertainties. But I always felt able to hold onto the faith I had in me and him being together. I always told myself that if my love with my husband wasn't real, how could I stand to wait this long for something that wasn't that strong? I don't feel like I'm a person with great will power, but I think I was able to hold on bec. I felt inside there was something WORTH holding on to. Only YOU can know what you have with your husband, and you should not let anyone else inject bad ideas into your head, but just use your own judgement based on what you know about your husband and your relationship with him.
My husband also used to get very quiet when we had arguments and it would be very worrisome to me. Until I learned this was his style and that it was from the way he grew up in a chaotic household. He does not like confrontation, whereas I think in American culture we like to get things out and in the open. Maybe this is your husband's style also to be quiet and avoid conflict, and you should ask him why he does not want to talk about certain things when you bring them up. I have had long conversations with my husband several times about the value of each of our styles of arguing, and we had to learn to compromise. You should try to bring it up gently with him, and be as non-confrontational as possible, as well as objective and not too emotional. Try to see if he will open up a little...
Your post was very beautiful and you described the feelings that we are all going through so well. Maybe one day we should all try to write a manual on being married to a MENA man
I think the attitude you should have it what another member posted - just go for what your heart tells you, so you will fee that you have "loved,you lived...you tasted life..." And in the end you will have lived fully and not based on your fear, and that is worth any pain and suffering you might have (as well as all the good and happy results in your life). Even my lawyer tried to warn me not do the K3 instead of the CR-1, so I wouldn't have to sign the affidavit of support until I lived with my husband for awhile. And this really did scare me, and I had to stop and think what I should do. And finally I knew the only right thing - to live based on what my heart says and not a desire to be secure financially or to manage my life based on the fear of what COULD go wrong. It felt so right to just dive in and take the chance....
You said - "That we’re both growing and maturing during this time apart and maybe we need this time to do that and finish up some personal growth before we’re able to be together having that mature married life and family. We just have a year left. May 2009 I graduate college and he is supposed to for sure be out of the Egyptian military." --This sounds sooo much like me and my husband a year ago, when I was getting ready to graduate from school, and he was still finishing his job contract. Now we are getting ready to be together in a few months, and he just received his visa a week ago. What we waited for all this time (and thought so often would never happen), is happening.
And you are right, this time is growing time and although it hurts, it will not be wasted, as long as you can hold on and keep hope. This site is also so helpful to get through the process and share experiences. I hope you will feel peace inside and keep growing personally and in the relationship you have with your husband.
KEKhan
Olivia, you're a wonderful woman!
I dont really have much to add except KEKhan made an excellent point about needing to understand your husband's communication/argument style - I can relate to this. Most Nepalis are on the surface very calm, non-confrontational(except when their political rights are violated...), and on a deeper level maybe seem to hold too much in rather than the American 'let it all out' style - this is an adjustment process for me. His mellowness is one thing I love but like a lot of things there is good and bad to it..
The fear that hubby might have a wife and kids somewhere is definitely NOT limited to MENA or Islam - in Hinduism bigamy is very rarely tolerated though in Nepal at least it is against the law...that said it is hard to enforce because it is socially acceptable to just have a temple marriage with no papers - so yes I have had the fear that maybe he has a village wife stowed away waiting for him to get his GC, though more and more I am trusting him and in my heart I don't feel that he would do that. His family couldn't afford it, for one thing... There is also some discussion of this on the Sub-Saharan forum. So it is definitely not a bigoted reaction against MENA men. There have even been cases of bigamy with American men who have somehow managed to have wives in different states.... 
I am thinking of ways I can get my teaching credential so that I could eventually teach at an international school in Nepal or some other country - this is a plan with or without Govinda in my life and has always been a dream of mine. I am trying to not let my whole world revolve around 'HIM'. Like Wahrania says travel, learn, enjoy life - go climb a mountain like I did 3 years ago...
These things will all enrich your life both with and without him.
The fear that hubby might have a wife and kids somewhere is definitely NOT limited to MENA or Islam - in Hinduism bigamy is very rarely tolerated though in Nepal at least it is against the law...that said it is hard to enforce because it is socially acceptable to just have a temple marriage with no papers - so yes I have had the fear that maybe he has a village wife stowed away waiting for him to get his GC, though more and more I am trusting him and in my heart I don't feel that he would do that. His family couldn't afford it, for one thing...
There is also some discussion of this on the Sub-Saharan forum. So it is definitely not a bigoted reaction against MENA men. There have even been cases of bigamy with American men who have somehow managed to have wives in different states.... I am thinking of ways I can get my teaching credential so that I could eventually teach at an international school in Nepal or some other country - this is a plan with or without Govinda in my life and has always been a dream of mine. I am trying to not let my whole world revolve around 'HIM'. Like Wahrania says travel, learn, enjoy life - go climb a mountain like I did 3 years ago...
These things will all enrich your life both with and without him.
QUOTE(Pattu Rani @ Mar 25 2008, 07:43 AM)
The fear that hubby might have a wife and kids somewhere is definitely NOT limited to MENA or Islam - in Hinduism bigamy is very rarely tolerated though in Nepal at least it is against the law...that said it is hard to enforce because it is socially acceptable to just have a temple marriage with no papers - so yes I have had the fear that maybe he has a village wife stowed away waiting for him to get his GC, though more and more I am trusting him and in my heart I don't feel that he would do that. His family couldn't afford it, for one thing... There is also some discussion of this on the Sub-Saharan forum. So it is definitely not a bigoted reaction against MENA men. There have even been cases of bigamy with American men who have somehow managed to have wives in different states....
There is also some discussion of this on the Sub-Saharan forum. So it is definitely not a bigoted reaction against MENA men. There have even been cases of bigamy with American men who have somehow managed to have wives in different states.... But how many women married to American men are worried about their husbands having a second wife or consider it something that goes along with being married to an American man even though it happens here?
Statistics in Egypt for polygyny are often equal to estimates for the adult male gay population in the United States, but how many of us worried that our previous husbands/boyfriends were gay? I doubt many, but it is statistically more probable. Terrorism is even a greater stretch.
I think it is obvious that many of the issues addressed in this thread are based in negative stereotypes rather than any reality-based probability. Just because one can be applied to Hindus or Subsaharans as well doesn't make it less rooted in generalizations. How many of us approached relationships with American men and worried that they were pedophiles or other unlikely extremes?
Telling her how great she is or that it is "normal" to wonder if your husband is a terrorist isn't going to tell her through these issues. If thinking about why some might hold these issues and if they are based in prejudice is too out of bounds for this forum or if we want to dismiss that we can have prejudices simply because we have married MENA men (this reminds me of that old ad with little Timmy learning about prejudice), than completely disregard why she and others may have these views and look at it from a statistical perspective alone. The numbers alone should be persuasive to realize these are not things are likely to happen and the issues can only negatively serve their marriage. Lingering doubts and a lack of trust never benefit a marriage, no matter how we try not to the let our spouse know we have them.
Do other women in this forum really share the concern that there husband is a terrorist or has a secret second wife and children?
I'm still waiting for the quote from Condeleza Rice. 
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