Thank you. Your suggestion sounds very reasonable to me. She lives in a dormitory with other Asians. But how could she earn 25,000 in a year with living expenses? If I go there She would loose face and that is not something I can do. If she invites me to visit her for a vacation I will be there! We communicate [usually] in Chinglish!!

Yes sir, when you put it like that then yes I understand. She may love me like a brother or sister but not be in love with me, correct? Any suggestions for getting registered for Candle? I had my email I sent to them, explaining the problem I am having, returned as no such address? I got it from their website!

I think what pushbrk was saying is, that you can have love or you can do love a person without being "in love", without having all those butterflies in your stomach. Not a love between brother and sister, I don't think, that is what he meant.
Let me give you an example:
I was seeing a really old couple on tv, I think they were married for about 80 years (no kidding) and they were asked what their secret was. They replied: "We never fell out of love at the same time!" I thought that was an unusual anwer but they explained it like that: If you are together for years and years, things happen and you might not be in love with your partner at all times but the important thing is, that you always know that you love each other on a higher, deeper level than those romantic feelings of being in love. And then you carry each other through. As long as you know that you love each other, you can make it work, even if those "feelings" might not be present at some times.

I think people from western countries are just different the way they fall in love and then start having deeper feelings for the other person. I don't know anything about the chinese culture but from reading here I kinda understand, that chinese women are listening to their head first rather than just following their heart in their choices for men!? And then when there is a ground, a basis for a relationship, they start developing feelings, they "fall in love"!?
For me as a person from a western culture this is hard to understand, but it makes sense to me and I really don't see any types of "using the men" or just going for the (financial) security a man can offer.

I really hope, this all works out for you and that first of all, you can find your wife and that she will understand where you are coming from and hopefully open up to you and let you be a part of her life.
I mean, I think it is both sides who really need to understand how the other person thinks and feels. I understand that culture is important and that it is hard to let go of certain patterns or habits. I have a lot of understanding and respect for other cultures, and I think you are trying everything to understand what is going on with her and support her, but I'd think, she should have the same respect for your feelings as well.

I just hope, it all works out!!!

Copy your email into a PM to VJ member warpedbored who is a mod at Candle.

Yeah, that's pretty much what I was trying to explain. I only used the other family relationships to illustrate that he could understand the difference, not as examples of what I meant.

I'm sorry but I am new at this site and I don't know what a PM is? Or where do I find one?

Thank you, I hope it works out as well! I talked to her after she told me she was leaving, I told her how I felt about it and that it wasn't neccessary for her to go far away to work. It did not have any effect that I could tell. She just said that she must work for momma. I really do hope we can get to the point that I can be a part of her life. While she was here it was like having a relative visiting. I did all the housework, laundry, dishes floors, etc. She would only watch TV and stay up late at night watching TV and talking on the phone then sleep late everyday while I was at work. I don't know if this was normal for Chinese or not? I thought she would at least try to help.

Dennis,
A PM stands for Personal Message and you can PM someone from their Profile. Look on the left where the Profile photo is and look down and you will see "Send Message"

No, this doesn't sound like the behavior of a Chinese wife.

Would you explain to me what is normal behavior of a Chinese wife as I don't know? This is one more reason that I have felt that I was just used and she was just waiting for the GCard.

Where can I find warpedbored's profile to do this? He has not responded to any of these post.

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.php?act=members

Type in the name and then click on his profile.


I don't know much about Chinese culture, but to me this doesn't sound good

However, I think you still should try all you can, at least you'll know you did EVERYTHING you could to make the marriage work.

I do thank you, I will try to contact warpedbored. I have tried about all I can, unless she contacts me I have no way of doing much of anything. If she doesn't contact me then I guess that will say everything.

Can you not at least write her a letter?

I wish I could! I do not have her address, All I have is what little information her sister told me. I have emailed her sis in China with letters to either read to her or email to her. I don't know if she did, or will ,or tossed but I have heard nothing back as of yet.

I wish I could! I do not have her address, All I have is what little information her sister told me. I have emailed her sis in China with letters to either read to her or email to her. I don't know if she did, or will ,or tossed but I have heard nothing back as of yet.
Can you tell me what is normal behavior for a Chinese woman? I will guess that is about opposite of what I described?

People really are individuals so I wouldn't choose the word "normal" in this instance but in my experience and that of many others I've read about, their Chinese wives were immediately active in home life. Generally wanting a higher level of cleanliness in the home and certainly taking over the housework. There would be exceptions, of course. For instance, a young woman whose mother may have done all the housework may not feel that way.

My wife's 19 year old daughter certainly isn't concerned about making her bed or cleaning the bathroom she uses but my wife is pretty meticulous about most household things. She seems baffled about cleaning bathroom floors though because there's no floor drain, hose and mop set up for that and the throw rugs are in the way. Similar issues with the bath tub. Hard water stains don't bother her.

Stories of Chinese women mopping the carpets are pretty common. Interest in cooking rather than eating USA food are pretty common too. Actually that's an understatement.

Reasons your wife didn't take an active part could range the gamut from laziness to depression to having no commitment to the relationship, to lack of training at home plus anything else that might come to mind. Without knowing her, I wouldn't speculate on the why.

Time to move on.

To bring it to basics:

- She showed no commitment to the marriage.

- Got the Green Card.

- Went home for 3 months, came back and moved 3,000 miles away.

- Left no contact information.

Next step should be a Divorce Lawyer you need to protect yourself and your assets.

This is hardly a 'cultural' issue.

wow, you know so much! can you tell me my future? I'm a Leo

Some people can turn off their feelings like that, very quickly, others cannot! It seems to me that everyone is getting tired of hearing about my problems so I will stop now. Many thanks to everyone who posted back. I do appreciate it. I now have a much better understanding of what I believe is happening, although I don't like it or deserve it. I will never know how a Chinese woman can loose face by telling her husband the truth if she has done nothing bad. Dennis

Don't let ignorance stopping you from posting here and asking questions. Some people just always have to be supersmart.

I wish you the best!!! At this point I would take care of yourself first! Don't be afraid to ask questions here or vent if you need it. Someone here is reading!

Dennis, I hope that even though you quoted my post that was just because you hit 'reply'; certainly don't take that as evidence that people are tired of hearing about your problems... I was having a dig at Boiler for pronouncing on your situation in such definite terms; that sort of thing irks me no end

fair enough, as many people have done, to give you some possibilities, stated as such, but to tell you what IS the case, when they don't even know you? supreme arrogance, in my opinion


if you want to let the thread retire now, I think people will understand, but equally I think people would like to know what you decide to do, and how you get on, if you'd like to share it... in either case, I sincerely wish you the very best

Yes, ultimately the decisions are yours. Feel free to share and ask as you please. We never get the full story of relationships even when husband and wife are both posting, so it's easy to draw the wrong conclusions. GIGO is alive.

I understand and I thank you! I am in a holding pattern right now, waiting to see if she will contact me. If not then I don't know what to do. I know what to do but I don't like it!

Thank you pushbrk!

I wish you the best also and good luck with your AOS! I don't know how long they let these topics go but I will try to post back here when I know something. Thank you, you are very kind!

Dennis,
I have been following this thread since the beginning. I have nothing to offer but to tell you that to "keep your head up and to follow your Heart". We wish you the best!!

your post will still be here! so post and let us know when you make a decision if you feel comfortable.

Ignorant and Supersmart? Surely one or the other, not both.

But if I missed anything in my summation, I would welcome correction.

I am going to guess there may also be a significant age difference, an educated guess.

I believe you left out the "I still love you and don't want a divorce." However, my leanings are also that the marriage is probably not retrievable at this point, the keyword being probably. I would still want to communicate with the wife before taking any legal action. I would not conclude the marriage was never a valid one but do expect the age difference exceeds 15 years. (not that there's anything wrong with the age difference, just that it's probably one factor in the picture) There are two parties to the relationship and we have no information about how this woman was treated by her husband. (just the facts, not an accusation)

Dennis, I am sorry you are so confused and worried about the situation you are in.

As said in a previous post, your wife will have a conditional card if her card was applied for before the 2 year anniversary of your marriage. This would been in Oct 2007, so if she arrived in Feb that year I imagine you would have applied before 7 months had elapsed and you yourself would have had forms to sign, do you have copies of them so that you can check?

Your wife may not be aware that the card is conditional on your marriage being confirmed after 2 years. There is another application needed that you would need to file jointly, for her to remain here legally if her card gives her "conditional" residence. I know the legalities may have been overlooked as the rules can be very difficult even for those with English as their 1st language to get their heads around.

I hope for the best for your future





as said in a previous post, your wife will have a conditional card if her card was applied for before the 2 year anniversary of your marriage. This would be Oct 2007, you would have had forms to fill, do you have the copies that you can check? She

This is not correct. See bolded above.

The card is unconditional if ISSUED after the two-year anniversary, which it was.

There is an 18 year difference in the ages, which she said was absolutely no problem from the beginning. I am very healthy and active! She was married before to a chinese, same age and she said the men this age are immature and not sincere about a commitment. We were married OCT. 17th, 2005 in China. Her LPR was approved on Oct.22nd ,2007. FIVE days difference. Adjustment classification: IR-6

THANK YOU!!!!!!

Date of adjustment: 10/22/2007 married 10/17/2005 ! Thank you!

Dennis,

I don't have any valid advice for you, but just wanted to say that no husband or wife deserves a "....I'll go working somewhere, don't know when I'll be back, can't leave a phone number for you either, I'll see you when I see you...", no matter if it is a cultural thing or not.
You seem to be a very nice person, according to your posts. You were generous, offered to pay for you mom-in-law's surgery, offered a safe home , financial security and your love to your wife....
For the sake of you knowing that you have done everything possible to save your marriage you should try to find and talk to her and find out what her behavior is all about. But if you see that she only used you and your kind heart, you absolutely should protect yourself and take care of your own well-being.
Surely we don't know your entire story. But if everything was like you have said, her behavior is very cruel. No human being who offered nothing but help should be treated in such an hurtful way like she treats you right now, leaving you in limbo.

All the best to you, Dennis! And don't hesitate to post here if you have questions or just need to vent. This community will be there for you.

Much nicer put than I did, but the end result is the same.

Thank you! The hardest part of this is being in limbo. That and commiting three years of my life which I can never get back. I feel I'm to old now to start over and I NEVER want to feel this pain again. It is just like when my previous wife died.

I can tell you that she was treated very, very well. I got her whatever she wanted or needed. She has had all her favorite chinese foods, chinese television, telephone calls to and from China, some money sent to China, new clothes, and much LOVE!

Dennis,
Your never too old to start over. I, too have lost a spouse in death. A matter of fact, I lost 2 wives to Cancer. I will be 50 years old this July and I never thought I was too old to find love again. Fortunately for me, I found the wife that I am with now. Remember that you did everything that you could do for this woman. If for some reason or another, you and your wife don't get back together..... Remember one thing! Your life continues and the emptiness you feel now will subside in time. Don't ever give up the possibility that you can find Love again. We all are Deservant to have Happiness... Good Luck to you!!.....
Danny

Thanks very much! When in July is yours? Mine is the 11th. When I was fifty four I found this wife and decided I would try one more time. Now I don't know.