Has anyone found themselves and their significant others aruging more on the phone/online,etc in-between visits or before getting married? I don't know why (maybe it's because we miss each other and long-distance isn't the same) but it seems more recently me and my fiancee have been arguing more (about stupid stuff usually). What are your experiences?

Nick and I seem to get "nit picky" with one another RIGHT before a visit....I think it's the tension, the excitement and the stresses of wanting to be together that kind of boil to the surface...we don't fight, but we'll get impatient with one another and we'll take opposite sides on a topic and have heated discussions.

I wouldn't say we are arguing though, I wouldn't call it that and we aren't angry or upset with each other either..it's hard to describe. Then when we get together...LOL ahh! release! LOL

I'm sorry you are fighting with your SO....
Have you guys talked about this openly, no doubt it's the distance....
I would only start to worry if he was disrespecting you or not talking to you as much, etc. etc.
Other than that, talk about how you feel.
Do you guys web cam at all?
Plan a "date" night, just the two of you....make the same meal and eat together on web cam. Maybe watch the same movie together. Play an online game together. Pick a book to read and discuss afterwards. Talk about your wedding! Talk about how you'll decorate the house!!!
You are very close to being together...focus on that and forget the small stuff!

I wish you all the luck hon!!
~Laura

We actually did get a webcam when she was still in the States finishing up on a student visa. That lasted 1 monoth until she returned home and there is no Internet at home so we usually just talk to each other every night and longer on weekends over the phone.

She has had some problems with her family recently, which I think is adding stress to the situation as well as me planning a reception dinner here for the civil wedding (there will be a religious ceremony in her country later) and her not feeling as involved with it. The hard part is involving her with something that she cannot physically see (I tried sending pictures of different restaurants).

In some of these "arguements" you can see differences in culture and family values as we both have different things that we value more (independence for me vs family for her). I have feeling other VJers experience these differences which are definitely good don't get me wrong, but can lead to frustrating and time-wasting arguements IMHO.

I can't lie, we argue far more together than apart. In our very first hours together after our last separation, we got into a terrible fight about a Volvo he wanted to buy. But let's see, been married 3.5 years, together for 4.5. Eh, you deal or you don't.

yea, I think a lot is the separation, though we have had some good arguements together too. Looking forward for more to come

We argue a fair amount - we used to argue more but as we have settled into the long distance relationship it has gotten easier - maybe because we have both matured and realise that we are working towards a common goal and we are both doing everything we can to be together.

We argue over loads of things - I couldn't even tell you what because most of it is stupid unimportant stuff. There are differences in culture though. I come from a reasonably well off background (not rich by any standards but we are comfortable) where Jeremy has grown up living in trailers/tents/sofas of friends houses. He has had to eat out of bins when he was a child growing up because his mom couldn't afford to feed them. So yeah - there is a *huge* difference there - quite simply I just cannot comprehend being that poor, or being that poor and not being able to do something about it. I find it very frustrating when I see his family struggle and I don't understand why they can't work to make a better life for themselves.

They just don't know any different and have settled into it as being their life - this is all they know and prolly always will know. Jeremy has never wanted to settle for that and has made a really good go of getting out of this rut - he has been brilliant and I am full of admiration for him

Sure - I bet we are going to have some monster arguments when we live together *remembers storming off into the mountains one summer... can't remember why * but we have come so far and been through so much that I know we will make it through whatever life throws at us

Its the process... the waiting...your lives on hold for the moment ... it is very difficult and can make or break a relationship. This process is grueling and truly if you and your SO is meant to be then it will only make you a stronger couple in the end.

Is there any way that your fiance can get the internet in her home - or is this not a possibility? The ability to chat and use the webcam does help sooo much.

Be strong -- you can make it until this summer keep in mind that it is only a couple of months

Good Luck!!
Malarie

I completley agree. We have been at this long distance thing for over 2 years now and definitely believe that what we have gone through will make us stronger in the long run. I believe we have lerned to communicate better because you have to over a long distance but I think we are just going through a rut right now and need to get back to remembering why we are doing this in the first place.



No, we've looked into Internet there but it isn't affordable. Though, as oyu mentioned, we only have about 4 months left until we'll be reunited, which isn't much considering the time we've been apart.

Thanks for the support!

I can honestly say we never argued, never had a cross word during the whole time we were going through the K1 or the times we were separated. We communicated EVERY DAY. We've had a few tense moments since he's been here, but that was mostly adjustment. Even Canadians have adjustment periods. Anyhoo, it's not been anything major, nothing that neither one of us considers serious. Certainly nothing that ever merited separation or worse. LDR's are hard, regardless of where you're from.

We don't argue, sometime we do not agree on a subject but we always find a way to make each of our point understood by the other one. We talk about this, about that, about our life together etc.
Also, My sweet is one of the most diplomatic person i have ever met (my diplomaty skill is fine but not always as his !) so it helps tremendously.
Sometime, i am just grumpy and i say it so we talk about easier and exciting subjects for both of us.

You know it's very hard to argue alone.....
If the one in front of you is quite calm and really listen to you, you will not feel like arguing/fighting much

most of the time it is the stress over the whole K1 process too! It is really nerve wrecking!! Hang in there

wise words

It is a female thing, what is new, they all love to argue or ride a man's A _ _ at some point in time or the other, get used it and realize it only gets worse after you get married big boy.

LOL. Yeah. Just goes to show that there really are people who haven't woken up to the fact that they bring on their own @ss-riding.

I don't know - I am sure I instigate most of the arguments but I am sure there are plenty of males who do the same Not mentioning any names

I had to do a double take, to make sure my husband didnt set up a profile here and write that!

that was a good one.




Like who, what males, we are darling angels that are misunderstood!

Indeed!

Girls, girls, girls, please now, men are extremely delicate, sensitive and complex human beings that are sometimes just simply misunderstood.

I don´t really like when someone thinks and acts like there are two big bags in this world. In one of them are males and in one of them are females. I even don´t like it more when some people tend to think there are four bags like that. First two I mentioned, the other two would be one bag of USCs and one bag that´s the rest of the world. And what´s even worse...when someone has even more bags like that and puts people of different races in each... I like people to mix together and be tollerant. It´s not only girls girls girls please now....it´s not only boys boys boys please now... everybody is different and it doesn´t matter what gender they are.

Good point, Scott and Marta. But why didn't you make it appear in bold face so that your point is better made???

I don´t usually use those Maybe I should have I dunno Oh well, who wants to read what I wrote, please read it

Very much off topic: But when I saw "girls girls girls" above I thought of Motley Crue. Did anyone else?? Has someone been watching too much 80's videos and not getting out much??

Haha - can't say it crossed my mind but now you mention it...

Sorry - should this have been in bold?

We argue more on the phone.As a matter of fact,we had a beauty of an argument today.

Yes it should have, dammit!!

I'm sorry, but I don't believe that there are couples out there that DON'T argue. Pleaseeeeee, just because you argue doesn't mean that you can't have a beautiful relationship. We ARE human beings.
I think some people want to make themselves look good by saying they never argue.

Haha - I don't know - I think there are couples that never argue but it doesn't necessarily mean that their relationship is any better or worse than a couple who never argues

Or perhaps they really, genuinely, have never argued? There are couples out there who have never had an argument; it's not mentioned to make them look better, it's just the truth.

We usually don't argue, but that's only because of Wes. He just won't do the arguing thing. And I don't mean where he shuts down and says he won't discuss it. He just remains calm, and then I usually calm down.

Usually.

There was one time I was so mad I was afraid I was really gonna say some stuff I'd be sorry for. So I left the house for about an hour. When I came back - he was gone! (Ha - no doormat my husband!) When he came in about a half hour after that, we just sort of didn't speak for a while. We ended up making tea and having the normal mundane late evening almost time for bed wind down, until we were both calmed down. We then talked out the problem.

I sometimes bushing his balls back then if we started fighting he tries to changed subject so we ended up talking nicely.

u know i hate any argument but im latin what can i say lol.........

As was already stated, I do believe that people who claim to never argue as not being happier than those who do. It is normal and healthy for couples to argue and to grow together. Those who "never" have argued might not be happy or might not live together which is why they don't argue. You learn how to communicate better by knowing you can get through the ups and downs and those who haven't experience it may be in for a surprise when that day comes and they don't know what to do.

I can kinda understand that - I think it is about building resilience - it's something that I learned in teacher training - if a child constantly succeeds without experiencing failure, when they eventually do they don't know how to cope because they haven't developed the strategies. I was a prime example of this

Again though, I don't think it always means that people who don't argue have any better/worse relationships than those who do argue - everyone is different and what works for some people doesn't work for others

We have had a couple of stupid arguments in the last 9 months when we have been apart, usually because I have misunderstood something he said in an IM and we were not able to clear it up right away and in the meantime I build things up in my mind... I admit a lot of the tension is my fault and I need to relax more...

A lot in our case is due to the poor infrastructure in his country and difficulty in communication. Until recently he did not have a computer at home(he just got one but is waiting for the Net connection...) so he has to go to a cybercafe every day. He is in school and doing an apprenticeship full time so the time when he can actually get to a computer is very limited, and most of the cybers outside of the tourist area close early, like 9 pm... Then there is the problem of power cuts, which are almost daily now in KTM, so if there is a power cut at the time when he normally IM's me then we can't communicate that day - fortunately he usually knows what days they will be so he can warn me and I'm not left hanging. So you say why not phone? Phoning Nepal is an adventure and much like a box of chocolates you never know what you might get.... Sometimes I call and I get a message saying Govi's balance is low even though he says later that he had a new SIM card... sometimes I get a busy signal even though he is available.... When I am lucky and manage to get through then sometimes there is a bizarre echo effect that makes it impossible to talk, or the line is so staticky that the whole conversation goes like 'HELLO????? HELLOO???? WHAT???? HAJUR????? So romantic.....NOT.... Then you add the fact that English is not his native language - I am sure anyone who has studied a foreign language has made a few potentially offensive 'bloopers' from time to time without realizing it.

So the point is that if there is a misunderstanding then it is much more difficult to 'make up' from a distance then it would be if we were together. He did say something yesterday which hurt me quite a bit(related to weight - I am sure no ladies would think I over-reacted if they heard it) and before he got cut off I really let him know it... I didn't think I would hear from him on IM today since there are power cuts on Sundays(work/school day in Nepal) and Monday. Apparently he was able to rush out of his apprenticeship and get to a cyber for just 10 minutes before the power was cut off and he wanted to clarify what he had said - very sweet of him to do that rather than letting me hang and stew for 2 days - it meant a LOT to me. He is learning and I am learning to cut him more slack...

sounds painful.

That is the most unrealistic thing I have ever heard, what is this Disneyland time? Pleaseeeeeeeeeee

Yes, but quite intriguing... I'd love to hear more about this 'method' of getting the hubby to 'talk nicely'...please elaborate on this bushing of the balls.

-P

Oh my sounds like that might be good punishment, do tell!

This is getting quite off topic now, can we get this back on track please? Ta.

Me and hubby do argue but it has a lot to do with culture and perhaps, maturity.
I also wasn't taught the right way to fight, screaming has always been the way to go between me and my parents.

I am fortunate for my hubby as he has immense patience with me but i am really trying to change and so does he.

We sometimes argued during the long distance but always had a chance to work it out. Boy, my phone bills were funny: over 5000 minutes every month. I think this is what helped us a lot. Communication.

Don't go to bed angry because it is not worth it. Most of the time, it is just a misunderstanding.

Good advice. I can relate to that - my mum doesn't shout but because it was a rare thing shouting freaks me out - Jeremy only has to slightly raise his voice and I panic!! I dont' shout myself but I do pick fights when I am feeling low or down or stressed - I think it just gives me a release from the tension and I can try and blame it all on him I have got a lot better though and I think that as we live together, after the initial shock and masses of arguments that I am expecting, we will get better and argue less

We all learn and grow together

We have never argued. As Melusine said, we don't always agree but there has never had big fights. That doesn't make us better than any other couple, but it is definitely not worse than others either. We are both calm and patient (most of the time).
I'm sure that it will change though, we will probably have a few fights once we live together. Almost everybody does.

Apparently when living together the first year is the worst while you iron out all the wrinkles and things

Ahh - it's ok - you have to divorce wa-a-ay before then - after all - aren't we all just in it for the GC?!

j/k (in case anyone thinks I am serious )

I don't think it hits a year and suddenly all becomes hearts and roses I think we will always have to work at things but I think that is what makes a relationship special - being prepared to work through the hard times

Oh right! Phew. What a relief!

well, I don't think it makes us look 'good', it's just a different way of communicating, but my fiance and I rarely argue, and when we do, it's very calm and reasoned... I think that's down to a few things:

- we're a bit older (36 and 38, respectively; I know that's not OLD but we're not teenagers either )

- we're both pretty calm and logical people

- I was a teacher for more than twelve years and that REALLY helps you keep your temper
I hated teachers who yelled, too, so I never did that... learned to speak my mind calmly (sometimes it was a dangerous calmness )

- Dave attended some counselling sessions towards the end of his first marriage, and is REALLY good at talking things through, he says largely because of what he learned there (and who am I to argue? )

all that said, there are NO guarantees for the future; we know damn well that the whole picture changes once we're in the same place for an extended period (like, the rest of our lives )... I think we're prepared for that, but I'm sure there will still be a few surprises... we'll deal with them too, I guess

and as I said at the beginning: I don't think it makes us look 'good'; it's just one aspect... sure, horrible nasty screaming matches can be detrimental to a relationship, but for some people arguments are healthy; for others sulky silences are far worse... and just because we're not big arguers doesn't mean we don't have other weak points
but I'd better not share them here; that might be off topic

(by the way, I think we should all start posting in bold )