Just read too many threads talking about - got the visa - just married - isn't working out - can we get a divorce??.... I am going for my interview in a few days (not that all those threads bother me).. just make me wonder if all of us really understand the change that we will go through, the adjustments that we will need to make... How do we prepare ourselves and how much is too little or too much preparation??

We = USC and SO

Would be nice to get both parties perspective

Good question.I must admit that some of the horror stories do scare me a little bit.My SO is still in his country.Every time we get in a fight,I'm like OH NO.But we've come this far so I'll do my best to work it out.

Daniel and I talk about everything - I practically live with him already - just not physically yet.. Talk about the house, mortgage, car, job, bills, good things, bad things..
He at times tends to be a little more relaxed about me moving in with him (thats because he has everything figured out) and I have had to remind him not to show me that 'everything's taken care of' attitude coz that un-nerves me at times. He knows that now too.
Just when everything seemed to be taken care of (except, the VISA, ofcourse!! ).. He is getting deployed for a year in june.. So now we are preparing me to take care of 'me' and everything else - planning to set up direct debits for the bills, getting my DL in time, making sure I have the 'knowledge' to get around etc.. It does help that I have been to the US before and lived in the UK too, so I am not completely unaware of the problems..
I guess, right now the only preparation can be - talk talk and talk about everything, right???

Any relationship must have a commitment, and the commitment must be mutual. Lots of times, when a USC meets someone outside of the US, and the relationship builds and takes form during a series of trips to that place to be with the person, and/or during phone conversations in the interim that are all about missing each other and wanting to be with the other person again, the reality of life and the challenges that exist often get ignored to a certain extent. Then, once thrust into the stresses of life in the US, the reality sets in, and many times, it's nothing like what the immigrant could possibly imagine, especially in instances where the way and manner and relative quality of life in one place is so different from life in the US. Naturally, there is frustration and disillusion on the part of both parties that is compounded by differences in culture, differences in education, differences in background, differences in religion, differences in experience, differences in upbringing, differences in age, differences in world-view, differences in values...differences in virtually everything except the mutual commitment on the part of BOTH persons for themselves, for each other, and for the relationship.

There must be that level of commitment in every aspect of life for the adjustment to be viable. There must be trust, there must be compromise, and there must be understanding. In my view, those are the essential elements that underlie a relationship that works. If that triad has a weak link, the relationship is destined for a rocky road.

With respect to all these stories about abuses and threats and such? Yeah, there's got to be another side. Many times, perhaps those posting these horror stories are too proud to capitulate and compromise, and expect the USC to be a different way, like they were during the 2 week vacation when they met and decided to be a couple. In my view, and the way I see this, and that's not to say it's the gospel by any means, the immigrant simply cannot comprehend what life is like in the US and the stresses and strains put on the USC...to get the immigration documentation in order, to make all the trips, to pay all the phone bills, to set up all the travel, to get everything in order, to maintain a heavy work load in order to afford another person in the household, to pay the mortgage, to make the car payment, to pay the gas, electricity and water bill, to pay the finance charges for the new appliances, to make sure the immigrant is comfortable enough...there's a LOT on the plate of the USC that, perhaps...just maybe...the immigrant just doesn't understand. Is that abuse? Maybe the USC feels that the failure or inability on the part of the immigrant to grasp the nature of the stresses is ALSO an abuse! And it's that frustration to which the immigrant is not accustomed is, MAYBE, what the immigrant calls "abuse".

All these horror stories about abuse, control, threats, arise out of the perception on the part of the immigrant. Maybe life in the US is just a little too tough for the immigrant, much more so than they might have imagined...

Again - who bears the risk? Who is "right"? What are the options? Who gets the benefit of the doubt? The USC on the hook for 10 years if the immigrant wants to stay, so that the USC bears all the risk of the relationship? Or the immigrant who has the option of going back home to re-establish his or her life as he or she knows, in which case everyone is put back into their original position before the relationship fell apart (no harm - no foul)? Tough issue.

Tito, you love to paint the pictures that fit your anti-immigrant agenda, but you're really more of a finger-painter than an artist.

Abuse isn't "misunderstanding" or the immigrant being unable to comprehend what goes into getting them over here. They're not animals, and they're not idiots who are unable to comprehend something so complex as the immigration process, phone bills, and balancing a check book.

Real abuse...the kind with the controlling and the hurting and the beating and the raping...that's the kind of stuff that no sh1t really exists no matter how much you want to trivialize it, and it is overwhelmingly initiated by the USC. What interests me though, is that the OP never mentioned abuse. You had to shoe-horn it into your anti-immigrant rant...again.

And so...again...I'll remind you, as so many others have, that the immigrant isn't always free to go back to their previous lives. You make it sound so hard for the USC, and so easy for the immigrant, but that's absolutely not true, and you're being intellectually dishonest to continue to advance that line of thought despite the fact that you've been provided numerous examples and testimonials that say otherwise.

The OP has some legitimate fears. You parasited onto the OP's fears to advance your agenda. You should really be ashamed of yourself.

Talk about fingerpainting!! Why in the world would someone with all the hopes and expectations for the future with someone who, no doubt, is your perfect mate, be cruising the part of a forum that involves conversations and posts and thread after thread where the content is mostly nothing more than DISASTER!??!? Is this a foreshadowing? Are you afraid of something? Looking out to protect yourself from the pitfalls that sabatoged other relationships? Or just getting your jollies? Because what purports to be advice is hardly that, and perhaps this is a bit of foreshadowing for you, which is unfortunate that you seem to sabatoge your own situation before it even comes to fruition. When someone says something or cries "foul" there is an entire bandwagon of sorrowful and sympathetic sorts...problem is, all the sorrow, prayers, best wishes and sympathy is based SOLELY on what the poster says at face value, without regard for another differing point of view or perspective, one that I, for one, because of what I do for a living, see all the time.

Have you been in the shoes of someone who was the victim of a scam, or the charm of someone who, once they come to the US, act differently from the way they acted at home? Does your business or whatever you do lend itself to experience with people who have been in those shoes? Do you have any direct, personal experience? It's quite obvious that the answer is a resounding NO! You're the one talking off the top of your extremely large head.

If you haven't walked in the shoes of the USC on the OTHER side of these these threads about the seemingly poor, defenseless immigrants who are suffering at the hands of all these terrible USC's...then you are in no position to judge.

My point that is continually LOST on you and a few others is that the picture painted by these self-proclaimed victims is that there is ALWAYS (or, if not always, then the vast majority of the time) more to the story than their perspective, which has as its foundation many cultural and social differences that just MIGHT conflict with the rigors of life in the US. Yet poster after poster writes with their sympathies without knowing either (i) the truth; or (ii) the OTHER side of the story. The same posters become judge, jury and executioner, giving the original posters all the warm fuzzies they might need, without expressing what is another option for them...to return home if things are so bad. Like I say...it's not an easy solution, but who gets the benefit? Who bears the risk? Is the brass ring that the immigrant managed to grab their ticket to life in the US as a matter of right? I don't think so.

You assume that I have an agenda, and that is absolutely not the case. You like to thump your chest and play king of the sandbox all the time proclaiming to have all the answers as you defend a very tenuous position, but just think of the FLIP side of the coin in the context of all these posts for once. If you can.

The forum is "Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits." What part of that makes this the forum where "the content is mostly nothing but disaster?" I do believe you are unclear on the concept.


No, I haven't been in your shoes. You've obviously been hurt and scammed, and quite possibly dropped on their head as a child. And I'm sorry for that. But you have a choice to make. You can learn from the experience and move on, or you can advance a bitter anti-immigrant agenda. You appear to have chosen the latter course of action. I'm not your therapist, so I'm not here to ask you to change your ways. I'm just here talking off the "top of [my] extremely large head" to call you out.


I don't have to walk in anybody's shoes to spot an agenda when I see it.


Nobody brought up abuse and victims but you Tito. Again, to advance your anti-immigrant agenda. The OP was about fears about going through the process, wondering if they were ready for it.


I don't have to assume anything. All one needs to do is use the forum search utility on your username and peruse your posts. It's right there for the world to see.

And the only answer I purport to have is the answer to the question "What is Tito up to now?"

Bitter....table for one...........

The whole point of this discussion is to have a constructive feedback to help the USCs and their SOs to better understand and prepare themselves for the big changes ahead in life. Just because someone reads 'the disaster stories' does not mean thats what they expect later on. They probably want to eliminate any fear or doubts they have.. The fear of change is true for both the USC and their SO...
I have not been hurt before, nor have I hurt anyone - I certainly don't intend to start with my marriage and I know for certain my fiance doesn't either... However there are times when things can go wrong and 2 people living together can get frustrated with...ummmm... the everyday monotony, cultural differences, communication gap (whatever we may call it). How would you cope with it or getting back to the topic - prepare for your new life???

[quote name='tito' date='Feb 29 2008, 03:36 AM' post='1621811']


There must be that level of commitment in every aspect of life for the adjustment to be viable. There must be trust, there must be compromise, and there must be understanding. In my view, those are the essential elements that underlie a relationship that works.

I agree with this perspective totally along with keeping an open line of communication.

the immigrant simply cannot comprehend what life is like in the US and the stresses and strains put on the USC...to get the immigration documentation in order, to make all the trips, to pay all the phone bills, to set up all the travel, to get everything in order, to maintain a heavy work load in order to afford another person in the household, to pay the mortgage, to make the car payment, to pay the gas, electricity and water bill, to pay the finance charges for the new appliances, to make sure the immigrant is comfortable enough...there's a LOT on the plate of the USC that, perhaps...just maybe...the immigrant just doesn't understand.

I often wonder if my husband truly understands this as I was feeling this exact same way just the other day. I agree that it's alot on the plate of the USC. What makes me feel better about it is knowing that if he was the USC and I was the Immigrant he would do the same for me. It also makes me feel better to know that we have a plan in place and it won't be this way forever and he shows me that everyday by going to school and working to one day be a better provider for his family and doing what he can to help contribute.

All these horror stories about abuse, control, threats, arise out of the perception on the part of the immigrant. Maybe life in the US is just a little too tough for the immigrant, much more so than they might have imagined...

If you are the USC or the Immigrant and you show traits of being abusive, controlling and threathning the immigration process is not for you. It will never work!!!!!


Again - who bears the risk? Who is "right"? What are the options? Who gets the benefit of the doubt? The USC on the hook for 10 years if the immigrant wants to stay, so that the USC bears all the risk of the relationship? Or the immigrant who has the option of going back home to re-establish his or her life as he or she knows, in which case everyone is put back into their original position before the relationship fell apart (no harm - no foul)? Tough issue.lor]

Take it as a lesson learned just like all your other relationships, look deeply at your self for the things that you have control over that could have been adjusted and move on with life........

I have worried about how perviz will feel once he is really here in the states......his dad has traveled many times to the states but perviz has only been in kashmir and saudi.....i dont think any amount of talking can prepare a person for the change........so i spend a lot of time trying to see things thur his eyes and how it would feel.....maybe much the same way i felt when i went with my family from usa life to life in pakistan......sooooo.... i have decided that it is my responsibility to be understanding, and not become irritated with things he may not understand but to be supportive to him and help to guide him on the way that life is here also he will be meeting most of my family for the first time when he gets here so that is going to be really mmm interesting as there are a LOT of us......i think that as we are the ones giving the application for them that it is our job to try to understand how they are feeling.....this means not worrying about how we feel at that time because it is not our life that has taken the drastic change it is theirs.,,guess i have not added much to this topic but these are the things running thru my head......perviz does not think it will be hard to adjust.....but i want to be prepared just in case it is harder than he thinks it will be.......

I'm simply going to stay with the original topic..

No matter what we **think** its going to be like..its a hard adjustment..PERIOD. for both!

The SO is completely changing their life..friends, family, work ..its a complete life change..add children in there..and now you have more than 1 SO in upheaval.

The USC..absolutely has HUGE things to deal with..taking the responsibility for 10 years for another person is no small feat.

With all that said there are things that can lessen the burden on both parties..and yes..communication is KEY

It hurts my husband how much I miss home, but by feeling my hurt and trying to understand it..helps me deal with it

heres where I think things can get tricky...

The USC's life hasn't **changed** the way the SO's does.. the SO in essence is stepping into the USC's life.. and its up to both parties to understand this..and work together to build something NEW.. if the USC tries to continue on as **business as usual** the SO will feel lost..the last thing anyone needs is a lost SO..lol we have enough to deal with already

OK..I think my ramble is done..

for now..LOL

S

My fiance and I talk about everything, about how our lives are going to change and what we need to do to make sure we get through this in one piece. There are just some things that will unfold, no matter how much you talk about it. I think the key is to talk about it so that when you encounter it, it will be more like a gentle reminder, like "Oh yeah, we said this might happen" so that it is not too shocking when it happens.

Phew! Good topic of discussion...

This is going to be a big change for both me and my husband on so many levels! Having lived in India for the last three years, we BOTH will be going through some culture shock, I can only hope that since this is my 4th experience of it, and my second with 'reverse' culture shock, things will be easier - or at least a little more predictable!

Some of the things we have thought/talked about:

In India, we live very well and both earn great salaries - we can go anywhere, do anything, and we don't have to worry about the expenses. My company pays for my apartment, transportation, food at work, etc. Even when I had to go through 2 surgeries last summer, if I had not had insurance, we could have easily covered that. In the States on the other hand, we will be starting over from scratch, and will have to budget, either pay extremely large amounts of money for private insurance until we get some through work (that is IF we can get insurance privately!) or risk going without it until we find jobs... Sorry, just saw Sicko, feeling a little paranoid!

He has mentioned that it will be hard to be in a place where you don't know how to 'get things done' - he knows the ins and outs of the system here for everything, or has family and friends who do - and in the US, he will be disoriented for awhile - that will be difficult. He has had a small taste of that in Bangalore, where not many people speak Hindi, and he doesn't speak Kannada, but it will definitely be different in the US. Thank goodness he speaks English well, has been working with people in the US and UK for 6 years, and is pretty established in his career! (I am more worried about finding a good job for myself than I am for him!)

He doesn't seem to worry about it too much, but I think it will be important for him to find a place to live with an Indian community - hear Hindi, speak to people who understand him and he can be 'himself', eat some pani puri and chaat, talk about how wonderful Delhi is, be mystified by the strange things Americans do, etc. (Maybe this is just something that Americans do when living abroad, but I have found that having a group that you can hang out with at least occasionally helps!)

His family is really important to him (in a way that is different for most Americans), and being farther than a 2.5 hour plane ride will be hard on him - but thank goodness for Skype, Googletalk, etc.! I think it would be a lot harder if he had not already been living away from them for 3.5 years, but it will be that much more strange to have those daily talks with Mom at odd hours of the day and night...

I am really excited to show him the US, not just the US of movies and television and news, but the little unique pockets of the country - if there are any left! I am really sad to think about moving back to the land of strip malls and row upon row of sameness, but then we have TGIF, Ruby Tuesday and now a Hard Rock Cafe here, so he has seen a tiny taste of that...

I was just remembering back to our 2nd Christmas together when we had a group of North Americans over for the day, and him being really quiet. Afterwards, he told me that it was sometimes hard to follow our conversation as it was riddled with references to old tv shows or things we had done as kids that just didn't relate to/connect to the Indian experience - how could someone 'get' all that? I do worry that he will face discrimination or will face some kind of racism. I know that he HATES it when even the mere possibility of him marrying me for a Green Card comes up anywhere (we found some visa interview questions that boggled the mind!), and he hates that anyone could assume that because he is from India that he must be poor, etc. (Lots of ignorant people in this world!)

Even something as basic as working in the same company, seeing each other for breaks or dinners at work - that will be odd as we probably won't work together in the US, won't have the same shared knowledge of the people or experiences to laugh about...

Wow, I could go on and on - better stop for now, but I am sure that I will have more things that pass through my mind over the coming weeks and months!

Great idea to post this, would love to hear from people as they are going through the transition process!

I *know* we will fight and I *know* I will find it hard to adjust but I also *know* that I am making the right decision in moving. I also know that at the end of the day we can always move back to the UK together. We have known each other almost 7 years and have been a couple for 2 1/2 years - we have fought through so much to get this far that I know we can work through any problems we come across

In terms of the cases you read in this forum, I have no fear of that from Jeremy. Some may call me naive but I call it trust - I am sure many of the people who have posted horror stories here felt the same way I do which is what makes it so sad

Very true, it was only after I crawled out of my cave, dropped my stone ax and my loincloth and boarded a plane to the US that I figured out how difficult life was for my USC spouse to get me here....
Tito, no offense, but the vast majority of immigrants here have had "normal" lifes such as having a job, having to pay bills, managing money, planning trips etc. even BEFORE we were rescued out of our misery! But you were right, I never had to worry about car payments and finance charges for appliances in my old life, since I'm used to saving money first before spending it, but that's a whole different story...

To the OP: I think no amount of talking and planning can really prepare either party for what is to come after we are together. We have to be patient, understanding and committed to make this work, but as you can see from the many happy couples it can be done and is worth it!

Good luck to you!

well said Mrs.J06!!

Oh I'm only marrying my OH for his credit cards - coming from such a Neanderthal, undeveloped country such as England I have never seen an airplane, owned anything or even seen what real money looks like

For the record I pay for my flights, he pays for his flights. I am more qualified than he is. I have a better credit rating and more money. Just because I am not the USC doesn't mean I am a charity case.

Although I will accept donations

Don't try to hide it Aly, I know you only want our green cards!

Damn I've been caught...

Credit cards I can go shopping now!

how do I prepared my new life? (it depends who you're with) me and hubby get along very well its why we are married.

I trust Daniel more than I would trust myself. He is the more mature one of the two of us... All the fights and the arguments we have just makes us a very "NORMAL" couple
I am totally prepared for the change and so is he - everything that most of us go through being apart from the ones we love and the amount of effort we all put into our relationships, just makes us so much stronger to face any challenges in the future too. haven't we already seen the worst in each other It can only get better from here...

Thats why the horror stories make me wonder - how strong was the foundation and how sincere is the effort put into making it work???




Oh!! aren't we all....

Thats true!!! The 'BIG' question is.... How many will falter when the real tests of life happen???

Poor USC, always the victim by the super ignorant immigrant spouse. Perhaps all immigrants have IQ below zero that is why they can't understand that when the USC brutally beats their immigrant spouses with every object imaginable, verbally humiliate them, forced them to perform sexually degrading acts at gunpoint, etc., those acts were just ways in which USC release their stress & frustrations. it should never be considered abuse at all and they should just bear it all without complaining.

It is always the immigrant who is at fault, after all, there has never been any case of an immigrant going home inside a coffin or of any immigrant being insured and then murdered by USC, there has never been any USC abuser in the history at all. All those reported were just product of the wild imagination of news reporters and all those people who have witnessed and reported such cases first hand.

These immigrants are the only ones who gain in the marital union between USC and foreign spouse. Of course all foreign fiancee/fiance or spouses are simply worthless because they are all mental retards......

wait, I am also a foreign fiancee/would be foreign spouse . i better hurry and inform my USC fiance that i am a mental retard and won't be able to comprehend anything not even paying utility bills... excuse me, would somebody explain to me what electricity is? is that something you use for brushing your teeth? well, at least i am proud to say that I know where to send car payment, at the USCIS of course

Well, nice to see a few cases in point...ridiculing something about which not much is really comprehended. Of course, much depends on the sophistication of the immigrant and their background and experience. But...if you really cannot comprehend the nature and scope of the pressures and dynamics involved, how can you really comment on the issue I am raising in the first place? Obviously, it goes right over your head!

Where are there examples of immigrants going home in coffins, acts taken at gunpoint, and the like? I guess life overseas must present very, very significant drama, and there seems to be expectations that lead to warnings that lead to someone coming to such conclusions! Therein lies another problem, I suppose.

Again - what might be perceived as one thing by an immigrant based on their particular view of the world isn't always the truth of the matter. There happen to be thread after thread by various immigrants from all over the place about coming to the US to face life with a monster. I'm saying that the incidence of monsters is awfully high, and that there might be another side to the story leading to the perceptions. Perhaps...JUST MAYBE...there is some responsibility on the part of the immigrant the nature of which is something that the immigrant simply cannot fully comprehend. It takes time and commitment and dedication on the part of both parties to live within the parameters of a difficult situation to begin with. To those of you who can and do make the adjustment and have the commitment, there is absolutely no need to take everything so personally. To others coming on here crying 'foul' in every thread, maybe there's another explanation and perhaps this other point of view about the circumstances of these threads is something to consider. Things aren't always what they seem.

No no no - you have it all wrong - electricity is used to brush your hair not your teeth
For the record (as I believe some individuals would like to address background for some reason) I am a qualified teacher who lives in a $500k house, have a good education and have been brought up well. The children I teach will all know and learn that electricity is used to brush hair not teeth and my life will be fulfilling and joyous

Too little or too much would depend on individual involved. As Mrs.JO6 said "...no amount of talking and planning can really prepare either party for what is to come after we are together. We have to be patient, understanding and committed to make this work, but as you can see from the many happy couples it can be done and is worth it!"

In our case, we have been using premarriage questions from marriage counseling sites and from premarriage counseling workbooks then work our way through those questions and activities when we chat. We have also been consulting trusted ministers and also asking advice from couples who we respect and admire... of course we do it separately since we live half way across the globe. We just report to each other all those grains of wisdom we received from our talks with ministers and the happily married couples.

I am just priviledged that the wife of the youth pastor here in our place is an american woman (the youth pastor is filipino) so they are at least familiar with the struggles of cultural differences and other issues specific to inter-cultural marriage. I have gained a lot from their wisdom and have been inspired by their love story and from the way they live and treasure each other all through the years. (they've been married 15years, have 3 kids but still go out for a periodic weekend gateaway, just the two of them, they still give gifts to each other and they pray together)

Me and my SO's daughter and also his mom email each other and talk about my SO, his strengths and weaknesses, and also the things that i should look forward to and be wary of when i finally go there. His mom is a great source of unbiased info about her son

I know all this things will never truly prepare us for the life that awaits us. We know we will fight and as early as now we have agreed to fight fairly and also to agree to disagree (We have agreed on a specific signal that one needs a time out). All our talks and preparations may fail but we both know that we can always pray and ask God to take center stage in our life together, we have agreed on that one also and I think that will be our best defense.


It makes me wonder too...



I wish we really know... even in our own relationship, we will only know how strong our love and our bond will be when we will face life's trials later. We can never see into the future but we can always pray for God's guidance and wisdom.

I wish you success for your coming interview and I pray happiness and contentment will follow you in your marriage life.

WHAT???? It is for hair not for teeth? now i know why my teeth is still cavity filled. Pls do forgive my ignorance, after all I am a mental retard whose life present a very very significant drama .

Dear gawd could you be more arrogant? Because it sounds to me that you are saying YOU are the only person here qualified to talk about this issue. You've already admitted that you're not an immigration attorney, so I don't see how you're any more qualified to talk about it than anyone else here. In fact, since you seem to have an aversion do doing things like...oh...BASIC EFFING RESEARCH...then I'd say you're considerably less qualified than most here. And when the best reply to an argument you have is "obviously you know nothing about it," then guess what? You have NO argument.


Here's something you should have learned in college: Read a newspaper. Do a Google search. I'm not going to do the research that you should have been doing instead of advancing a one-sided anti-immigrant agenda. You keep saying there are 2 sides, but you have taken the one side to the exclusion of all else. Not something an educated and informed person would do. Not something someone interested in real dialog would do. But definitely something someone with an anti-immigrant agenda would do.


Taken completely on its own, this is a true statement. Taken as a statement to support your anti-immigrant agenda, it's scat.


No Tito. You aren't saying that at all. You just got done questioning that these kinds of things even happen.

If you would care to actually READ these forums instead of looking for opportunities to leech onto every discussion that remotely fits your agenda, you would see that there are stories from both the USC and the immigrant. Again...do the basic research you should have done before forming your baseless opinions.

Well said... My husband and I have talked about almost anything in this world during our course of courtship/engagement and yet we still get surprised of every little thing that we discover (about each other) each and every day of our lives together. We had misunderstandings and petty-silly-non-talking times but those are the things that makes our relationship/marriage stronger and sweeter.

--Mae

Yeah I must say it has been really good finding out about our flaws as well as our virtues - Jeremy and I are quite reflective about ourselves so I have warned him of certain things that I do and ways I react in certain situations so he knows what to expect! We've spent months at a time together to get a bit of practice in but we know it will still be really hard adjusting when we first move in together - I am expecting it to take at least a year to start beginning to really settle down.



OMG IT MIGHT BE TOO LATE!!!! You should consult your trichologist RIGHT AWAY or you could be a bald bride... of course, being a non-USC and therefore mentally retarded not to mention ignorant, I am totally unaware of the meaning of any words I use that exceed one syllable. And they have to be spelled phonetically.

Yupp!! thats me - the retard 'alien' SO....

and I am still confident of our relationship working out... at least the intentions cannot be doubted and neither can the effort and the love we have for each other..

Cheers to all the retard, balding, alien SOs

Oh no Parul... don't tell me you thought electricity was for your teeth as well?! And you had such beautiful hair...

OMG, u people got it all wrong - U NEANDERTHALS... electricity is used to give shock therapy to us SOs

I'm sorry. I just had to jump in here and say.... Click to view attachment

Oh man, I feel compelled to comment. Many people have already expressed my sentiments but I do have a few things I would like to add.



During the months many of us spend apart I can assure you that conversations and thoughts do not merely revolve around whining about missing, wanting and needing your partner. This process is very involved and a whole host of practical considerations on both sides of the coin have to be taken into account prior to and during the application process. USCIS and DOS stipulate certain criteria for qualification for a fiance visa to counter the problems you are insinuating happen far too frequently.




Actually, I do think you have a reasonable point here. Many of us are in fact aware of the difficulties faced when starting a new life in another country. Just reading around the forums here you will see many people from every country pondering and discussing the changes they will face when they finally move to the US. Read further and you will see USC's discussing ways and means of making the cultural transition easier for their partners. No one can know for certain what specific problems they will endure but at least there is a comprehension that it can and does happen. This is why this site is so useful, others can reveal the possible pitfalls and how to endure them.



A huge amount of assumption here and this weakens your argument. Of course there *are* instances of people visiting for just two weeks and not really thinking things through, but I do think these are the minority of cases. You don't have to have a foreign fiance to make that mistake. And, in fact, I would argue that having a foreign fiance forces many of us to over-analyse our relationships, because, why the heck would anyone want to go through any of this if it didn't feel right?
As the 'immigrant' I have planned this move to the nth degree but I realise that there are pitfalls I am not aware of yet. Hence, it is useful to read threads on this forum. During the application process I have worked my backside off so that I have money to keep me going during a period when the US government makes it difficult for K1 visa holders to work so that I can take some pressure off my USC partner financially. I am giving up a good career, my home, belongings, family, friends, a way of life I am familiar with for the person I know is worth it. If I didn't feel it was worth it I wouldn't have bothered. Really.
The same is true of my USC partner. He has used the time since we decided to get married to prepare for that. No longer will he only have himself to consider, he is building a life for us and relishes the prospect. During our time apart he has thought about the impact my moving to be with him has had on my life and he certainly wouldn't take on the responsibility of all of that if he felt it would bite him in the backside.
The fact is, we both want this and we both are having to consider all the implications of what we are doing. We talk about it - we have so much time to talk about it. Time, in my experience, you don't spend too often when you are in a relationship locally.



The threads about positive life changes outnumber the horror stories.



We ALL bear the risk. USC and immigrant alike. The immigrant leaves his/her life behind, closes many doors. Why should the only respectable option be to return home? Why do you assume that the immigrant would choose to leech off the USC if the relationship does break down?

And onto the next post I take issue with...



This forum is designed for people to discuss the possible pitfalls or difficulties in adjusting. It is contradictory of you to assert that people are wrong and distrustful of their own relationships to 'cruise' here when you previously asserted that we are too caught up in whining about missing each other such that "the reality of life and the challenges that exist often get ignored to a certain extent". If that's the basic premise of your argument against fiance visa immigration then you just shot yourself in the foot.



I think everyone is aware that they are reading only one side of the argument which is why it's best, in these circumstances, to stick to assisting with the immigration questions raised. Telling someone one side of the immigration story, i.e. "It is best that you go home to your country" is equally allowing personal perspective to get in the way of giving good advice.



Personally I think you do have an agenda. Looking back over the thread you have ONE perspective on immigrants and ONE perspective on what they should do in the event of the relationship breaking down. Much of the content of your posts reveals a negative attitude towards fiance visa relationships. Sure, not all of them survive. No one is arguing that. Sure, no one can ever be *really* prepared for what happens after marriage - but these aspects are common to all human relationships. At least give us some credit for having thought about the choices we are making.

Doh! If only I was as concise as you

Noooooo!!! I loved your post! I was only taking a quick peak at VJ during a break in my day, when I happened upon this thread and started laughing out loud at Tito's post (after picking my chin up off the ground). Unfortunately, I did not have enough time for a post as eloquent as yours. Thanks BabblesGirl!

Thank you . A visa immigrant WORKING???!! Say it aint so

DanielParul.... to respond to your original post....

No, I don't think you can ever be prepared for what's in store. I liken it to having children. You make all kinds of preparations and have pre-conceived thoughts and expectations, but until they actually arrive and you are immersed in it, you don't really have an idea of the reality and the emotions which will hit you.

Marrying, in and of itself, is a huge step with lots of give and take and understanding to make it work. Throw a little immigration into the mix and things can get very overwhelming. There is a learning curve with both situations. The first year is not going to be kittens and roses as the immigrant adjusts. But the realization of this fact will get you through.

Oh I have something else to add too...

Where does this conceited attitude come from that USC's are the only ones with the financial means to pay for phone calls, trips and the only ones filling out any documentation. I've had documents up to my eyeballs. What an arrogant point of view.



Brilliant analogy.