I have read a few letters Ladies have written on here after being married to Nigerian and later they cheat or leave them.. And saying it was a Scam to get them here .. Why my ? is it has to be Called Scam.. True a few maybe and it was there purpose of making one believe they loved them to get here.. But If you think about it.. Men in Usa are the worse to scam us.. if u want to call it that.. which i hate the word ok.. Could it of been once you both lived in same house we just did not click or both was not willing to work on your issues.. Everyone on here goes in knwing there will be a adjustment for all concerned,, And both should work on it together,, If you love who you brought here .. Its your chose.. NO one tied you up to make u bring him or her here.. It was to be because you and he Love each other.. I get tired of hearing SCAM .. It is so easily used when you got hurt.. We all or not perfect.. But it does not mean we a SCAMMER.. Just because its NIGERIA. I can speak for myself I have A Wonderful husband we have know each other over two years.. BUt have not lived together as of yet But dueing this time apart we are working on knowing each other and support each others opinions of all things.. Yes I pray alot and ask for guidious.. And I pray I live my life with My husband.. His A great man.. And if it does not work out it was not because we both did not try.. But thats anywhere USA or any country... We all Human.. Yes there are scammers But ALL OVER OK NOT JUST NIGERIA>> USA is one of the biggest next to Nigeria.. But PLZ do not compare your hurt and try to make others have doult of the one they love because yours did not work out.. I appricitae your words BUt I rather your personal issues nOt be brought out for us to hear.. Leave and learn Go on... I do pray you and your kids find happeness and sorry fro your hurt.. I LOVE MY HUSBAND as many ladies here do.. We all want happenesse thats why we hear.. Thank you

Thank you for sharing your feelings. I have always felt that there are good and bad apples in every country. One person's problems can't be pinned on the next because they are two different people. I am tired of the generalizations, also. It's prejudice and insensitive.

What I trip out on is those that seem to get mad when others are happy or succeed. Its kinda like....my ex was bad so they are all bad because if I accept it was just him then maybe I have to accept it was just me and that couldnt be true because im just a victim. Pero you know what, we choose to be a victim. I would rather think I was a survivor of a scam than a victim and yes I would be sad and hurt but I know I could still be happy for others.

I said this before but I know of lady that would rant and rave about how her ex married her just for a green card but those that knew her knew they were married for 10+ years and he helped raise her teenage boys. He left because whenever him and his wife would fight and disagree the boys he helped raise would turn on him and beat him up and throw him out of the house he bought. he got tired of it after so many years and left.

Exactly, there are always two sides to every story. My ex-husband had a world of issues, but I can be honest enough to admit that I also had my share of issues. In the end, we just weren't meant to be for each other and that was it. I took my two kids and we moved on to bigger and better things. Most times, a relationship fails because of the two people just not being compatible enough to make it work. In my own relationship(s) I have been through enough stuff to call myself a survivor, yet, you don't see me trying to convince others of the wrongs they MUST be doing. You hurt, you share, and you move forward. I enjoy seeing all of my fellow Sub-saharan mates expressing their joys, fears, tears, and smiles. We all have our own story to share, but there needs to be a way to do it in a positive, helping manner.

You should never dwell on things that happened in the past. There is so much to look forward to in life. So many opportunities and so many people to meet. People may come, go, stay...but I feel like they are all placed in our lives for a reason. It should be your duty to take your experiences and mistakes, learn the lesson that is to be learned, and apply that lesson to help better yourself. I have come across bad experiences and in the end I can honestly say I am grateful for the lessons that I have learned.

I agree with all of you. I hate when "nigerians" are labeled the bad people. It is not fair to say the least. We are only hearing one side of the story...and who knows how much "truth" is being told. It is sad when someone is extremely excited over their victory and then someone comes along and wants to pee in their cornflakes...that is very sick and twisted.

Maybe next time a certain posts about nigerian ex-husband being accused of visa fraud, we can request that the posting be moved to the appropriate forum (effects of major family change on immigration benefits), wouldn't that be a more appropiate? Just food for thought. It is not right for a person to assume that nigerians are incapable of being real, open, loving, and honest people.

GREAT IDEA!!

I agree. It is simple phsych 101. Sometimes when a hurt person is unable or unwilling to look within themselves for
contributing to the break up of a relationship they focus, transfer and project outward as a form of coping mechanism.

It is easier for them that way than doing the soul work internally so their focus goes external.
It takes tremendous courage and insight and a willing mind to explore how we ourselves add to the choices and behavior that bring us pain.
Someone pointing fingers will get stuck in bitterness and not even realize it.
Guilt is a factor but it should not be a motivator to project onto others but rather a step into forgiving oneself.
Therein lies the liberation from feeling victimized.

I am with you on that. Bad things happen, you analyze your own behavior and learn from it, forgive the other and yourself
and move forward with faith and hope. No one is perfect , no not one .....and there is therfore no condemnation......is what the Bible tells us.
One should not get involved with other people's relationships and cast doubt continously nor condemn others.
What God has joined together let no man put apart, not even by injecting venomous doubt. That is God's territory. Know your boundary. God is not the author of confusion, but God is love.
We are to encourage and uplift when we encounter a troubled relationship and be there in support IF the couple makes their own personal choice to divorce.
This is not a cause for a cheering rally if someone has marriage trouble. There are appropriate avenues and methods to help
but one should not drive their own agenda through their own still festering wounds.
Wounded people often lash out through others to their own target subconciously.

I agree. It is simple phsych 101. Sometimes when a hurt person is unable or unwilling to look within themselves for
contributing to the break up of a relationship they focus, transfer and project outward as a form of coping mechanism.

It is easier for them that way than doing the soul work internally so their focus goes external.
It takes tremendous courage and insight and a willing mind to explore how we ourselves add to the choices and behavior that bring us pain.
Someone pointing fingers will get stuck in bitterness and not even realize it.
Guilt is a factor but it should not be a motivator to project onto others but rather a step into forgiving oneself.
Therein lies the liberation from feeling victimized.
[/quote]

Don't you know personal responsibility has been baned by the new order. You have to blame some else for any ill that befalls you. Your spouse , your teacher, your parents. I have seen people run off and marry someone they have barely talked to let alone spent any real face to face time with for little more than the sake of a bit of something exotic in the bedroom. Then they lay in the martial bed looking for life to be all happy and don't put their fair effort into making it happen. So when things don't turn out all rosey they have to be pointing that blame finger in some direction. A marriage to a Nigerian is naturally going to cause more issues with strangers because the word Nigerian has become linked to various scams thanks to the minority of ill doers there that have such a large internet presence in that country. So the spouse that answered the jungle fever call and then woke up to a bed of thorns will do the chicken little dance and cry the scammers are here and run for divorce court. Marriage is a job, it is a chore, a thing of work and beauty. You just have to take responsibility in gong into it .

I don't think it's simple. I think it's incredibly complicated dealing with personal pain. And personal pain brought on from love is the worst kind because it eats from the inside out. It took me 3 years to divorce my ex-husband. I was in a depression so deep I wasn't even myself. I had two police reports out on him, but couldn't separate myself. I had the voice of God in my head telling me it was okay and it was time to free myself, but I couldn't. I had to find that place of forgiveness and confidence that when I stepped out, there would be firm ground. My sister on this site tells portions of her story with her husband. I don't know what exactly is going on, but I know that she is suffering with immense pain. But she still tells jokes, laughs with us, celebrates our joys with us and shares sympathy with us. That kind of woman, no person, is rare. We can't say that we are all strong enough to deal with that in the same way. I pray for her every night because I know the Lord knows what she needs and I pray for continued strength in her spirit. I notice that when idocare posts, she often posts in an attempt at defense. She's in the same place as idocare. The pain is fresh and real for them. But she deals with it so differently outwardly. I don't know who idocare has in her personal life to help her or how she deals with the hurt. I know my west indian family deals with hurt and pain by sweeping it away and getting on with life. I saw a therapist to get over my last relationship. And I thank God everyday that I had the strength and presence of mind to do that, or I'd still be there too and would have missed out on all that God had waiting for me. That relationship will NEVER be gone. But it serves its purpose. Bassi is aware of it, and sometimes reminds me not to live in it now cause he's a different man. My heart hurts because that kind of pain can become self-destructive and I truly pray that there is resolution, forgiveness and love and I pray it comes soon.
I know she doesn't want pity, but unfortunately that's all I feel. We have all had horrible, hurtful painful issues from our past. But to see someone still hurting and losing themselves in it only garners sympathy.

thanks for all your thought I just wanted to say all nigerian aret like her husband and her sounding like they are it hurt me because shes talking about someone I love very much happens to be nigerian

One love, those kind of talks about ALL Nigerians can be very offensive to anyone. Especially when your son will grow up to be one of those Nigerian men. My stepfather is Nigerian and I take all of those words personally. He was one of the best fathers that could have raised me and to this day I tell him thank you. He does not display any of those characteristics, which is why I refuse to believe that all of them are bad, horrible people. A lot of the women here are deeply in love and even married to Nigerian men that THEY KNOW are honest, genuine men. No one else knows how the inner workings of one's relationship works and that is all that matters.

It is a quote my friend always uses...when I am upset..they would say "who pi**ed in your cornflakes" . I thought I would use their expression

LOL! I have heard that expression a few times.