My SIL is here on a student visa, and is marrying a permanent resident (next week, apparently, I found all this out today) who has threatened to break her legs, put her in the hospital, and is all around just..mentally/verbally abusive but she is convinced he's the best thing since sliced bread.

Now, of course I am hoping he never gets physical, but I need to know: does VAWA apply when the immigrant is married to a legal immigrant? Is there any recourse? I personally don't care if she stays in the US or not as she just totally screwed my husband over, but I'd like to be aware if #### hits the fan.

Thank you.

I don't know the response to your question and I hope things work out okay for her but I have to tell you I felt like a dork because it took me a while to figure out that SIL was sister-in-law, I was thinking isn't Sil, Vi's husband????

Athena, I have absolutely no idea how to respond to your question but I just had to say... I felt physically ill when I read your first paragraph. I pray to God that all works out well.

Yes, victims of either abusive US citizens or Legal Permanent Residents may self-petition (I-360) and secure residency without the assistance of their spouse, so long as they have a valid claim and can demonstrate their abuse.

That's so funny Samantha, I'm glad SIL is taking a nap right now

Thanks. I'm just trying to prepare in case it is bad, but I am praying he turns into a nice guy after the ceremony.





Oh, me too. Thanks so much.

This may help....

http://www.uscis.gov/portal/site/uscis/men...00045f3d6a1RCRD

Honestly I don't think people like that change. I know somebody who was in an abusive relationship, the guy promised hundreds of times that he was going to change and he never did.

Yup....I have to agree with this as I speak from personal experience.

Oh, he doesn't even have to promise change. She thinks everything is a-ok. When we found out he had told her if he ever cheats on her he was going to break both her legs and put her in the hospital, she was mad at my husband for trying to talk some sense into her, and for tearing this guy a new one for the way he was treating her. The next week I heard her on the phone, laughing about what had happened. Her line of thinking is, "I'm not going to cheat on him, so it doesn't matter." I'm distraught over the idea of them getting married, but she's 21 and can make her own decisions.

I keep praying to God that I am wrong about this, and I'm just a high strung American woman, and he really is as great as she says, but I doubt it. Which would be why I'm here investigating, and I am also afraid he is using promises of getting her residency quickly to convince her they need to be married NOW. She loves him (or thinks she does, I don't know), so that's not her reason, but the fact he is telling her that she'll get her residency in a couple of months (he's not a USC, as stated) and that everything will be fine (she has an overstay, she'll be denied if he's still an LPR in 7 years of whenever her priority date comes up) makes me feel like something is going on that we are not aware of ...

and I figure someone in this family needs to be prepared.


PS Vi - we leave for Peru in 11 days

They can, but it takes a special person and true commitment.

This kind of thing always dumbfounds me. My mother in law is married to a horrid man who abuses her (physically & verbally) on a regular basis. Not only that, but he abused her THREE CHILDREN and drove one of her children to the point of being in a mental institution (then forbade her from seeing that child). Yet she has been married to him for over ten years (he is not the father of her children/my husband) and stays married to him simply because she does not want to have to work to survive and enjoys the financial lifestyle he allows her to live.

I think sometimes people in abusive relationships will never wake up, regardless of the reason they stay in the relationship (love, money, etc.). I hope that your SIL can wake up and see that a person of that character doesn't need a reason (ie. cheating) to act on his threats.

I'm sure you don't mean to, but you seem to be implying that the abused person can fix the situation if they are just "special" and "committed" enough. Do you mean something else?

I think Kazan meant to say that an abuser can change, but he/she must be a special person and be truly commited to changing...at least that's how I read it initially, but upon re-reading I can see how one could interpret that sentence both ways.
-P

I too see how this could be interperted both ways but I initally read that the abuser can change his/her behavior if he/she is a special person committed to changing.

Here I am, I just finished reading all the posts, I want to be honest, I was in an abusive relationship for about two years and as your SIL I took every one of my ex comments as jokes. This a$$hole told me that If I ever leave him he was going to kill me, and to me that was a sign of love (how stupid I was). When he found out that I married Silvio he told me that he was going to forgive me for "all the pain I was causing him," can you believe that??????, he was obviously a mental case.

All my friends hated my ex, and at that time I didn't understood why, he kept me away from family and friends.
I'm so happy with y hubby now, we have ups and downs like every couple but I feel blessed to have him in my life, he's the best thing that eve happen to me,

I hope that your SIL opens her eyes, obviously this guys is bull......ing her.
Take care people
Vi


pd:athena_ny: I'm really happy for you girl, I'm sure you will have a great time in Peru, tell your hubby to take you to Asia, there are awesome clubs in that area, hubby and me love it and don't forget to try all the delicious food.

She already has stopped seeing her friends except for special occasions (like her birthday - she had a bunch of people over, but he couldn't be bothered to show up?), and spends all her time with him. Only friend she does see happens to be his sister. I am worried, but you can't stop someone from seeing what they don't want to see. All her friends told her not to date him. His sister would tell her not to date him, until they broke up and then she'd be trying to get them back together.

I don't think it'll be a good situation, but all I can do is prepare myself. Blah.

I think the question here is if she goes with good faith into this marriage. If he is already mentally abusive then how can she prove that she went with good faith into this marriage. She cannot be forced to marry him.
Plus, if he shows a bad character he can be removed from the United States.

I am not sure why your sister in law wants to marry someone who is abusive in the first place...

I truely believe that the poor girl doesnt see any abuse in sight, and everything that people warn her about, she has a million excuses of why it wont happen. Abusers hypnotize their victims Also add in the fact that she is quite young, and is blinded by all the love & promises this guy is feeding her. She wont listen no matter how hard anyone tries to convince her. Unfortunately, she'll have to figure this out on her own

I remember reading some online article about abusers and that preventing from seeing family is a way that they try to show you that they love you, want all their time with you, but really create a divide between the victim & their family, so the victim will no longer bond & be able to share whatever abuse may be occurring. Of course it also stated about the over-jealousness, and most ladies think "well he loves me so much, that's why he's jealous".

The more isolated a victim is, the more reluctant to report problems/abuse, so Athena, just check on her once in a while to make sure she's ok

Tha's exactly what happened to me. He did hypnotized me.

Obviously she doesn't think he is.

She is going into it with good faith, because she doesn't get that his behavior is unacceptable. And she can't be forced to marry him, and as much as I am pissed at her right now for things related to this marriage but not completely to his possible abuse, I do not wish abuse on her.




And yeah, the stuff you describe explains this guy to a T.

Popcorn time!

Once more I am going to warn you to keep comments like this OUT of this forum. You want to play "popcorn time" then you do it in OT. This is the only warning I am giving in this thread, all following comments in this vein will be invisibilised.

Thank you.

So-Popcorn is allowed in OT? IMO O/T is heavily moderated too-and really shouldn't be...But then again, no one has to explain anything to me or other members, seemingly.

Thank you Mags.

The inconsideration for others and the lack of respect for valid information (and not just personal opinions or what we think SHOULD be legal) is what drove me to mostly leave this site in the first place. I only came back because this is the only place I knew of to get information on this topic, and I do not think the fact my SIL is marrying a man we believe to be her abuser is FUNNY or putting up the "popcorn time!" response in response to something very serious is funny.

As much as my SIL is screwing my husband and I over by rushing a marriage she shouldn't be getting into (there's a lot of family dynamics this is now affecting, not to mention finances), I have been distraught at imagining the mess she may be getting herself into, and how blind she is to it. Anyone who thinks that is a joke must have very poor character is all I can say.

I greatly appreciate and thank all of you who have offered constructive advice such as Vi, Diaddie, and Nanusia so I can prepare for if the time comes, which I pray does not.

She can self-petition just like the spouse of an abusive USC could.

As to the rest of it, there's so much written on the abuse cycle, but usually the guy alternates between being abusive and being very kind, and the victim convinces herself that he's only so angry/violent/cruel because of something she did. So she convinces herself that if she, e.g., doesn't wear that shirt that made him jealous, it won't happen again. Maybe if she's committed enough she can save him! It'll be so romantic. Maybe it really was her fault. Doesn't everyone get mad? It's a hard cycle to get out of.

You won't be able to talk her out of it; it's like getting someone to quit smoking or get help for depression. It's something they have to decide to do. What you can do is ensure that she always has you and your husband to talk to; that she knows that if she leaves, you two will help her. So when she does decide to leave, she knows that she isn't alone.

And if she confides in you, make a note of the date and time so if she has to establish an abusive history in court, you're a reliable witness.

Excellent post, Caladan. Thank you.

Athena, I apologize for the tasteless posts. I hope you don't leave the site again. There are a lot more nice people on here than there are mean people. (Even though it may not seem that way sometimes.) I, for one, would miss you if you go.

You're most welcome, Athena. This is an excruciatingly tender and sensitive subject (as are the majority of posts in this section of the forum) it isn't here for peoples' amusement nor "entertainment" - which is what I mean by "popcorn smilies not allowed". The last thing you need to be is mocked or have the p!ss taken out of you.

I really hope this situation improves, keep us posted, Athena.

Haha, I didn't post that expecting people to ask me to stay but thank you. I've been around just not as active in the past. The only reason I stayed after M's approval was to help people and I hope to be able to continue to do so. Some people are turning VJ into their personal soapbox which I find tasteless but I think you're mostly right Though the tastelessness in this forum especially shocks me.

As a rule the mods do tend to keep a closer eye on this forum because of the tasteless comments that can occur in here.

Oh no, that wasn't directed at you ... I mean, I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but people in here are emotionally distraught most of the time. I guess I was just raised that there are some things you do not say. You can think them, but you do not say them. As much as people complain about moderation, I'm glad it's here to enforce

Thanks everyone