The reason I opened this poll is because my and I are having a misunderstanding. She asked me what would I do if she wanted to buy something, would I just let her buy whatever she wants without question or would I ask her for more information. I answered, if its for material goods then I should be able to ask you about it. I said cuz if were short on budget, then it would not make since to buy $200 shoes. She got upset and now she saying that she will not spend any of my money. She also saying that she cant put her trust in me now, she doesn’t realize the fact that I was shocked because she said I don’t have the right to say anything.

I already put her in total control of the finances, because I know this would make her happy. She has 3 kids and Im doing my best to support us and give us all a comfortable life on the salary I make. I was kinda shocked that she asked me a question like that because I trust that she is mature and dependable. I never spend money on myself, because I would feel guilty and like I was taking away from the family as a whole. I would always ask her before I buy something for myself. I also tried to explain that material goods should not be important because if u spend 200 on shoes or dress 6 months later that 200 is going to be forgotten

My husband and I go round and round about this. It's not about spending the money, it's about fitting it into the budget with us. It is definately and ongoing learning process.

My husband and I have separate bank accounts. We decided what bills each of us was responsible for, but as long as those are paid neither of us has any right to ask the other what they are spending their money on. He can buy basses and I can go for my spa stuff with peace of mind!

lol, did i say that out loud? nvermind.

There's a lot of things we both want, but want we want and what we get are two different stories. If we can afford it, sure why not, but we don't put ourselves in debt over anything.

We're the same way. Neil always wants money in his pocket even if he isn't going to spend it on something. He gets mad when we don't have money to buy him really expensive things but he spends lots of money on small things like beer. I try to say if you drink less you may have more money for things that you want that are more expensive. He doesn't understand having to budget but I offered to let him be in control and he wants nothing to do with it. So I will continue to be the mean one and say no to things like a ps3 and new shoes (he just got 3 new pairs last month).

I would take control of the budget to prevent future misunderstandings

I am the appointed financial officer in our household (well, both me & him appointed me). I think it is because when it comes to self control, we think I am better

But for purchases, we are discussing it together, especially for big ticket items. Big boys toys are expensive.

My husband got this crazy idea right before Christmas that we needed a 53" screen T.V. It was on sale for "only $700.00." Then he tried to rationilize that the T.V was for me! I rarely watch T.V so I had to laugh at that. So I told him if he got HIS T.V, then could I get the tread climber I've been wanting. Shut him up real quick!

If your wife wants to buy something, let her buy it. No questions asked.

Put yourself in her shoes. Do you run all your purchasing decisions by her as well?

taking control of the budget is not really an option to me. I know my wife wants to be in charge of it so I dont have problem with it. The thing that really bothered me is that I wont buy anything for myself no matter how big or how small, because I am the type to sacrifice myself for those I love. I guess it just took me by surprise cuz the way my wife phrased the question "if I want to buy something would u ask me any question or just let me do whatever I want". It sounded like I have no say so in the house, and she has gotten into a habit of telling me to shut up lately. It just made her sound really shallow and way different from the person I trusted her to be. She says the only way I can keep her from divorcing or fighting with me is if I will always agree 100% with all that she says and does.

We do. Small ticket no, big ticket yes.

If I buy anything yes, but I never buy anything. Again the issue is not the money, as all my money goes to them already. Its the fact that I am not allowed to have a voice in the house.

If you feel like you are making the sacrifice of not buying and you are upset that she is not doing that too, you need to talk to her. There has to be compromise.




In all aspects of life?

Well... speak up. To her, not on VJ. You know what you have to do.

That is just not right

I think you need to sit down and have a chat about a few things: expectations of marriage, compromise, realistic financial situation, etc. I think you both need to be on the same page over these things, and from the sound of things, you're not seeing eye-to-eye right now.

I always tell Neil he has to agree with me on stuff even if he doesn't just so I shut up. I would never divorce him though That is so not right!

thats all i want is mutual respect. I dont want to fight with her, but for her to expect me to agree on 100% of the things is a little unrealistic.

That is a power struggle going on there. You two need to sit down and talk about it. Threats don't get anyone anywhere.

Well, from having been where you are..........I just looked at your timeline. She hasn't been there very long so you are definately in the learning curve.

My own husband always had these ideas in his head of what the US was like. He found I really don't have a money tree in my back yard, nor does it flow out of my a$$. He's learned how hard and often I work for my paychecks, that I expect the same of him, and that a word he barely heard before....bills....is a horribly nasty word. He's had to deal with gently and sometimes forcefully telling all his friends and relatives we have no money to spare.

On a few occassions, he's thrown a bit of a hissy fit when he wanted to buy something relatively small and it's not been in the budget. And, he's learned to save for the bigger ticket items we've wanted. In the end, he's learned that if he has patience, we eventually do get everything on our lists.

That learning curve is not instantaneous nor is it really ever ending. It also has lots of little trips and falls along the way. I see what your wife is currently doing as trying to assert some control over the situation. Maybe she is overwhelmed by the whole situation and is dealing the best she can figure out at the time.

Again, I think you need to sit down and figure how what is really going on.

my hubby is the USC and he has no idea what a budget is

he tries to set one up but they are usually totally unrealistic...

I dunno, it just seems to me that you want a "veto power" rather than a "voice".


Well that's just wrong.

I think that this can only be resolved between you and your wife. There might be some communication problems here. Remember, even if you think that your wife speaks good English, she is still translating things in her head when she speaks in a language that's not her own. She might be meaning something else when she says something.

I hope that you will find a way to present your concerns to your wife and that you'll be able to work out a good solution for your dilemma.

Whoa, you've got bigger issues than money. Get some counseling ASAP! Seriously.

I'm of the idea of daily expenses/small things are ok, and consult each other on anything bigger/ unussual. Both spouses agreeing on a budget, and working towards common financial goals


Saludos,
Caro

Regardless of each spouse's contribution to the budget?

Let's say you make $250k and your wife makes $50k vis-à-vis equal contributions ($150k & 150k)?

"To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part."

yeap nothing is "mine" or "yours" anymore, it's "ours"

Saludos,
Caro

no vote as the option i'd vote for isn't there.
you got bigger problems than who controls the budget. best wishes for resolving them.

1) Married doesn't mean you have to lose your own identity and make all decisions by committee.

2) "He who pays the piper calls the tune."

If one partner makes a lot more money, do they have more say in certain decisions? Like, in how much to spend purchasing a house? Or what kind of car to get?

Thank you, Alex - that was the point I was trying to make.

It seems logical that they should (have more say), but I'm curious what other people think.

And that's what I answered -> no, the spouse that makes more money, at least how I see it, should not have "more say" in how to spend it. They way I, personally, think about marriage, is everything is common property, in equal shares: income, house, you name it.

Saludos,
Caro

On the one hand, I like to have my own money and I would like Rey to have his own money. On the other hand, I probably won't make as much as he does for at least 10 years. I don't want to feel indebted to him forever just because I make less.

Everyone should run their marriage the way they see fit. As long as both partners see eye to eye on the shared vision.

I make a lot more than my wife today. She'll likely make more than I do later in our lives. We have equality today and I hope she returns the favor when I'm a 60 year old underemployed bum.

How can you not though? At the end of the day, you still know who "brings home the bacon",
so to speak, even if everything *is* common property. Shared ownership of financial assets
does not necessarily imply equal access to those assets when the partners do not make equal
contributions, IMO. Potential access, sure, but not the "automatic, no questions asked" kind.

One night me and my fiance sat down and discussed about the situation we have right now.We listed the bills and debts that we have to pay and we both agreed that if we want something to buy we have to think if it is really necessary to have it or not, is worth it to buy it or not? We want to spend money wisely just not the fact that money is so tight right now but my husband is working so hard just for us to survive and pay bills. If I want something I will tell my honey that I want this and I want that but before we buy it we always look at the price how much and then if it is worth it to buy or necessary for me my honey will buy it but if not then its ok for me not to have it because I know for sure that if we have spare money my honey will buy it for me...We have argument sometimes and we have likes and dislikes , do's and dont,want and not but what my fiance and I did is we talked about it, we discussed, we communicate...

Communication is really important....

I don't know. I see the fairness in that, but I also see that having the potential to ruin a relationship. We haven't crossed that bridge yet. It's always been weighted one way or the other. Next year things will change.

The question is, do we always live in the kind of apartment that I can afford half of, or do we live in the kind of apartment I can afford a third of? If so, I'm never going to feel "indebted" for that. It would be silly for me to hold my SO back in terms of what they can have in life because I can't afford exactly 50%.

We pool our finances, but every month we each take a certain amount out of the joint budget than we can save or spend on whatever we want, no questions asked. Although I think sometimes he resents me a little because I tend to save all my money until I really want something, and then buy it immediately even if it costs a lot of money; and I resent him a little because he always spends his money and frequently ends up a few dollars in the red or complains about how he has no money to buy me a birthday present because he spent it all on CDs.

Things that are for the house or that we're going to go enjoy together are allocated in the joint budget and we discuss what the money will be spent on. We break it down by bills, groceries/medical expenses/other everyday necessities like gas, going out, things for the house/animals, and clothes/haircuts although we don't always keep each section exactly in check (but if we go over in one area we cut back in another).

So in other words if I told my husband I wanted to buy something and I wasn't going to tell him what, he'd say "Sure, as long as it comes out of your money."

As for who "brings home the bacon," one of us earns more than four times what the other earns. But the one who earns less does most of the cooking and housework. And each of us thinks we got the better end of the deal.

for me ...2 people are together because they want to share everything...if one party earns $100 and the other $500 but the monies are pooled then each are giving 100 percent of what they get....you cant put in what you dont have...hence i prefer the equal in all things if monies are pooled

I apologize if I my mannerisms appear intolerant, but I can not stand selfishness on any level.
My grandmother always told me, "baby, when it comes to a relationship, you either $h!t or get off the pot"
good luck to you in whatever you decide. sometimes it is better to lead with your head and not your heart.
UNO.

That is a v troubling statement to make....




Everyone sit down before reading the next thing I have to say.....I agree with Fancypants



In our relationship, it is equitable regardless of who makes more $$$. When we lived together, I didn't work...I wasn't exactly the betty crocker type back then, but I did tend to the house (not so much the food, heh)....anyways, regardless that he was taking care of me financially, we made all choices together.

i am the only earner in our household..if sanita wants to buy something..she does..i am not her guardian....and she is a responsible adult whose judgment i trust and in fact, is better than mine in allot of areas

from reading thru this, it sounds to me like there are issues of judgement on her part and he's being told what to do even though he's the breadwinner. i don't believe this is what he envisioned marriage to be and it certainly does not sound like much of a partnership to me.

I gotta say, I would resent being told what I could do with the money I'd earned. Hubster and I put a certain amount into a joint account to pay bills and for whatever mad money we might need each month and the rest goes into our separate accounts to use however we choose to, no questions asked. For big ticket items for both of us, we come to an agreement and if we need to contribute more of our individual money into the joint account to make the purchase, or pay the bill when it comes....so be it. If one of us earned quite a bit more than the other I would think that the one earning more would just contribute more money to the joint account....that would only seem fair. But it wouldn't seem fair that that person would have more of the decision making process. If it were me being told how all of the money was going to be spent, I'd feel like a kid getting an allowance.

Regarding the OP, I think some serious communication is needed.

good point brother charles.............partnership is built on trust and dual respect

Does she work at all? I could never give up full financial control. In my last marriage we had separate accounts and we divided up the bills equally so we both knew which bill was whos responsibility but we both made the same amount of money.

I think that if purchases are under a certain dollar limit that you both agree on then no she shouldn't have to call you every time she wants to buy something like food, etc. but once you hit a threshold that you feel uncomfortable with, like maybe anything over $300 or something, then you both should agree on it.

It works the same way for us, more or less.

There may be a difference between "putting someone in total control" and that person fully understanding the process. If they understand the process, the $200 shoes become a budgeted item.
I think she asked a question to learn about you. I think she may have been asking, "Am I really in control of the money?". Is she?
This appears to be a communication issue not a financial issue.

"My hubby did asked why I bought 2 more pillows" (we already have 5 pillows and a huge big pillow) so I gave him a reason why I bought 2 more pillows beside of other things I buy he doesn't really care but I would never buy a shoes that cost $200. If he ever complaining I wouldn't say SHUT UP perhaps I will feel embarrass for spending his $

I do billing for him so I can shopping