Im not new here but rarely post and i hope i dont sound too dumd or rambling. He goes,
I found out yesterday that my husband has been chatting online with another girl. He told her hes not married but we have been married 4+ years. When i question him about it he thought someone had told this to me, in reality i found his chat log and i read the whole conversation he had with her. It hurt me too bad and now im wondering whatelse has he lied about. Also we own a business and he send lot of money back home without my knowledge. Anyone else has had this happen or happening to them.

Barb

Depending upon the context of the chat, it could simply be an ego thing. However, to conceal it from you is wrong. What prompted you to look at a chat log? Are you sure there aren't other peculiarities that caused you to go on a find and seek mission? Also, it's certainly a violation of your trust to send money from an account to anyone without consulting with you. Are the two incidents unrelated?

It wasnt an ego thing. I wont lie to myself. The reason i looked at his chat log was b/c about a week ago I was in our store the computer was up and he got an IM that said his name and that she missed him. Im sure a guy wouldnt send a message like this to another guy. The two incident are unrelated.

Dear Barb:

You must be feeling terrible and it's understandable...

Do you think that another woman out there, maybe in a similiar position to yours have some explanation that would somehow make what your husband doing ok?

I'm not in a similiar position...but I know what is WRONG BEHAVIOR.

There is no acceptable reason for your husband to be saying he is single on the internet.

If the tables were reversed and you were the one having online chats portraying yourself as "single," to men, would your husband mind? I think he would be extremely upset.

Secondly, if he is sending money back home without your knowledge....then where is it going???? To what purpose????

Please be very careful now. I don't know how to advice on how to proceed with your marital situation but please monitor your business and finances closely. I would even suggest that since your husband has shown deceptive behavior, then you should find out if he has other bank accounts or assets hidden (Tunisia or the US).

Nutty

PS...Even though these two incidents are seperate from each other....They are both bad and warrent your investigation.

Thanks for your reply Nutty. I cant excuse that nor can i look the other way. Trust is very strong key to a strong marriageand all he has done is destroyed our marriage. I will monitor very closely my business and finances. I think looking for an excuse as to why he did this would be like blaming myself I accept no blame Iv been a good supporting wife.

For some people, 4 years is a long time to be in a monogamous relationship. On the other hand, internet games (and other anonymous on-line interludes) are not uncommon in ANY relationship, and don't always lead to and aren't indicative of infidelity.

maybe so tito but it raises trust issues. Its not so much the chatting but claiming hes not married would indicate hes searching for something.

The question is, why does he feel the need to hide all of this from his wife??

Exactly Nagishkaw. I think you feel me.

I think the answer is because he is doing something he knows he has no business doing.

Im so sorry to hear about what has happened. I have had this happen to me in previous relationships..they fooled around on me by internet & phone chatting with other women (for some posing as single & some not). It hurt. It damaged trust..and took a lot to win some of it back. However, those who betrayed me in such a way.. at first denied..then excused..and then got very angry at me..(this is a common scheme to try to get the other to back off and shift the tables or change the subject).
I don't take chatting online or talking on the phone lightly. I mean after all.. this is how my relationship developed between my husband and I. Communication is valuable and powerful. Words can build or tear down. Whether he was just doing it out of curiosity or playfulness.. With what you have shared.. It is infidelity..even if they may have never touched physically. Some men and women do not agree with this..especially the ones who are doing it. Some are open to their spouses/fiance(es) talking and playing around with another in a teasing and ongoing way..and say its all ok bc at least he/shes doing it out in the open. This is dangerous ground..and playing with fire. Like I said "Words can build or tear down" ... Words are powerful. So I will pray for you and your husband. I pray that words of healing and honesty will come forth for both of you. Words that will build and help your relationship to become stronger. And that your husband will understand that it is with his tongue that he can speak life or death, love or hate, wisdom or ignorance. We all know that when we give our hearts to someone in marriage or in romance.. we reserve ourselves for & to them.

Thank you AhmadGwen for being kind with your words and understanding with your heart. All you have said is how i feel but im so emotional right now I cant even think straight.
Barb

I have been there ... Foreign hubby chatting online. Finds job that involves travel, ends up seeing his chat "friend" during the evenings. She has been told he is single. She gets pregnant . He marries her , racks up credit in my name to support her ( sending the bills to a PO box so I don't know ) I find out and throw him out. They stay together ... guess what .. he is at it again this time he wiped out his retirement to set up the second home.
My advise get a good lawyer and run as fast as you can

Im sorry for your pain Sylvia_n_Joseph. maybe you are right but right now im waiting for my head to clear some.
Hows thing with you now? I pray that you are well and all is good for you.
Barb

This all happened 15 years ago , So it is more a historical chapter than anything else. I know he is wanting to file for citizenship . I would love to be a fly on the wall for that appointment. As far as I know he has commited bigomy and credit card fraud. I am sure there are things I don't know about

He may be searching for nothing more than an ego boost and a little adventure. Or, this may have been an existing online relationship he just didn't have the courage or motivation to end. That doesn't make it right but if I were you, I'd want to really understand what's going on before making any long lasting decisions.

Humans have weaknesses. Some have pornography issues that are viewed quite differently by one spouse than the next. Some are just looking for what they see as a harmless thrill. (not harmless, of course) If you both get to the bottom of it and then make certain he understands your thoughts and feelings on the matter, his subsequent behavior will tell you all you need to know.

There are all kinds of people and all kinds of marriage relationships. It's critical to know what you have in a partner and what you have in a relationship, then make informed choices.

I would be so ticked off, I would confront him immediately. It is the one thing I will never tolerate. I wouldn't do it to him and I expect the same courtesy.

I'm so sorry ...but if my husband do that to me or if I ever finds out he's cheating on me , I would be as angry & hurt as you are , I know how u feel Barb

drop him

I have waisted most of my life with that kind of problems.
It is a waist to even think about that he or she will change that behavior

This behavior only comes up if she or he don't love the person they live together with.

Thats Right For me... I would let go of that person who hurt me if I was in that position of being hurt by someone I love dearly ..cuz its no use trying to save your marriage when your spouse is unfaithful, makes no sense to keep holding onto someone who don't love you or have no feelings for you

I am sure there were other red flags before you decided to question his behavior. Search deep and figure out what you want to do because he may have been caught "this" time and not the other times. There is now right or wrong answer here, but follow your heart and decide whether to accept your decision without regrets.

I am very sorry this is happening to you. I would not accept it and I would kick him to the curb and never look back!

You all are very kind, warm hearted and understanding. Thanks to each of you for your advice. May God Bless You and Life Offers Good Things For Each One Of You.

Barb

Dear Barb,

Can you please tell me what your relationship is like with your Tunisian in-laws? This does have some bearing on marriages at times. By this I mean, if they don't like you, they are more inclined to encourage him to find another wife. Or if they do like you, then they can be a support in chiding him and reminding him he has a wife and to treat her right.

Western people often don't realize that muslim families are very tight and do exert a lot of influence on individual members. This can be a benefit or a detriment depending on how the family likes you.

Parents can only do so much...the person is still an individual and will do whatever they want, regardless of family pressure, regardless of the culture. The fact that the person left and went so far away from his or her family goes to show you the extent to which the person is seeking his or her own destiny.

I'm in agreement with this one too.

To be honest im not sure where i stand with them. when i visited there i was treated like family. I dont speak with them much thier english is not good and i really been too busy b/c i have full time job and business. Im not sure about the situation b/c one can never tell what one is really thinking

I would confront him. But what good is that really going to do? He'll just make excuses. Why in the world does he save his chat logs anyway? I find that extremely odd. I know if I were trying to sneak around I would delete all chat logs/cookies/ANY history. Although I would never do that, I'm just trying to think of what goes through a cheating mind.

To me, chatting with another woman and telling her he is not married is not acceptable. Period. There really is no way to excuse that imho. There are no lies he could come up with that could make that any less painful and make me less suspicious in the future. If you have no kids, I would say that is a deal breaker. But we all have different limits as to what we are willing to put up with. It doesn't make any of us better or worse than you because of what are opinions are on this. I wish you the best in your deicision either way.

Barb I am sorry that this has happened to you...If I were in your shoes I would confront him and see his reaction and excuses he comes up with. Like others have stated, I take chatting with other people online under the guise of a single unattached person very seriously and would feel just as you do very hurt and upset. He has broken your trust and its important when you feel the time is right, to discuss this him. Or if before you told of your discovery try to bring up a conversation of how he would feel if you were the one talking to other people online or make a story about a couple arguing over this same issue to see his mindset on this....

If you're not close, then yes, it would be hard to tell where they stand with you. I thought they might be able to provide insight to the transfer of money. Additionally, if they were aware of his bad behavior, pull him aside and set him straight. However, Tito has a point, your husband has put a lot of distance between him and his family...

I hope you're feeling better today...

Nutty

Oh I am so sorry to hear this, I feel your pain. Do you think you two could go to some counseling? I agree with you that it is wrong to be chatting it up on the net as a single man. My first husband did the same thing, only with him it was straight out porn and paid sites. I remember pulling up the history and was just sick. I am here if you need a shoulder to lean on.

It has nothing to do with distance Nutty. He was here 3 years before we met. Its not so much about the money its the way he has handled it. He does it without discussing it with me. We had discussed having a baby. I guess remodeling his family home, buying them new furniture and adding anotther bathroom is more important to him. I feel its a huge financial responsibility to be parents. So i wanted to be prepared. Anyways thanks.
Barb

Dear Barb,
I understand your worries, but you have to look for the problem from the other side.
I'm tunisian, and i understand what's going on with your husband,it's something related with tunisian's tradition.
People from Tunisia have strong ties with their family.Your husband want to share the fruit of his success with his family, it's something it runs in his blood and you can't change it.
Beside, Tunisian man still consider that his wife should not interfere with what he give to his family(usualy, because wife and family in law does'nt have a good relationship) and that would explain why he's did'nt tell you about the money transfert he make.
About the flirt on the net, it's something that you will have to discuss with him to see what's wrong.(Maybe you have been busy with work and you did'nt have time to share with him some romance)
I advice you to have a direct and frankly talk with him to understand what's going on.
For the money you should try to find a way to calculate the amount he can get from the buisness (by considering him as an associate or as a worker) and a part of that amount will be for the house expenses and the other part he can do it what he want to.
Be aware that he should'nt have free hand on the buisness, he could mess it up!!!
Finally,If he's honest with you, he will tell you all the truth with no hesitation.
Hope he deserve your love.
God be with you Barb

My ex fiance did the same thing. It started with innocent chatting, then non-innocent chatting (and saying he was single) and then porn sites and eventually cheating on me. I caught him EVERY step of the way but chose to believe it was not intentional, he didn't want to hurt me, he could change...

He didn't. Finally enough was enough and I left him and my only regret is that I didn't leave him sooner. What i've discovered is that I was settling for his behavior. I was comprimising what I wanted in a relationship and kept making excuses for him...and we weren't even married yet.

You should NEVER comprimise what you want out of a relationship. You deserve to be with a man who is loving, honest, and trustworthy. Period. If your husband can't do that - then you need to find someone who can.

Good luck...and just be careful that you don't make excuses for him. Someone saying "it's a Tunisian thing." I don't buy that for a second.

This is what I warn American women about from Arabian countries. Yeah it's wrong to pinpoint one race in general but my origins are from there and I am honestly telling women alot of men just need a way out of their country/villages for a better life here. I hope other women pending on bringing fiances or spouses think everything throughly before marriage.

Husband is obviously cheating you need to talk to the other woman online as your husband and get whatever information you need then you need to confront him about it and Ask him face to face all the questions and make him understand a divorce is Real. Maybe he will start to be loyal to you afterwards. If he doesn't change kick him to the curb.

Never I would make excuses for him. It has absolutely nothing to do with me working, and if it is a so called Tunisian thing it really doesnt show good character or good values. It does however shows they are cheaters and liars.
If its true they are so close to family why not just stay there with them why disrupt someone life for thier own selffish reasons.
Barb

I dont feel its so much about the country but the individual. I cant judge all by one actions.
Barb

Hang in there friend this life is very short ask God to help you to know the truth. But Americans marrying with other american they both have everything at their fingertips they can get work, school, food, immediate hospital care, etc...
If you look around you will see many many 3rd world countries and Arabs in particular they chat almost 24/7 on the internet. This is how ALMOST ALL the women on here married to arabian males met them via online. They are looking for love and not only love they want a better future. They are looking to get out of their current situations and also to help support their families backhome like a mother or a sister to pay for their sisters marriages. This is the typical arab male and because you are married with a tunisian thats why I speak only strictly about Arabs. If you are supporting him and his family and he is not taking care of you it's hard to say but you cant lie to yourself that the situation will get better. Nobody can change another. That individual has to change. If your husband trusts and loves you he won't hide something about his family from you. Wife is first remember that, then comes family. God bless.

Thats a load of crap!

I think its all individual However i met an american married to a tunisian who has a 2 year old and they have been seperated about a year and shhe was telling me he spent 25000 on credit cards while they have been seperated and had been buying alot of jewelry.... sounds like someone is setting up a new wife back home... she was so sad... be very very very careful if he is siphoning money off the top f your busniess. If you catch him again.. ( install spy ware on the computer... get very smart... install spyware ad start looking at his phone) divorce him because if hes done it one time then does it again.... it s all over... start protecting yourself and fast before he steals everything and sends it back home

Dr. Phil is having an episode on "Internet Mistresses" today.

Your husband want to share the fruit of his success with his family, it's something it runs in his blood and you can't change it.
Beside, Tunisian man still consider that his wife should not interfere with what he give to his family

There is a correct way to do this shareing, he is married now. (period) this man needs to realize where he is now and here it is not considered interferring but a part of marriage to confide and share what is happening in their lifes, its not much of a marriage if one is subtracting from the pot and the other not knowing

Exactly. The culture thing is a total cop out. Giving to the family is fine and dandy but hiding it is crap. Just total crap.

we talking about "internet addiction" here

moody your meez is kool

im glad im not the only one that feel this is a bunch of crap.if you love your family that much stay there with them and share the fruit of your sucess. Do not turn someoneelse life upside down with lies and unstability. I guess Tunisian men are the only one that love thier family. I didnt have a problem with helping his family but i think 22k in 5 months looks a lot like hes using me to take care of his family. Remodling his family home adding all new appliances and furnitureis a bit much at one time.

Barb

Now that you have the overwhelming consensus that his behavior is wrong. the question remains WHAT DO YOU PLAN TO DO ABOUT IT?

If I were you, the first thing I would do is to move all your money out of your joint account, then I would confront him about his spending and online infedelity.

Ressurect old posts much?