I know two women who were having troubles with their husbands and are now separated. Neither one was married more than 5 years. It seems to me that they just gave up...
Do people still fight to stay married?

I often ask others who want to walk away from their significant other...."have you done all you can do to save this relationship, before you walk away?" Most respond by saying they are tired or they give up.

I guess it has to be determine how much they really value their marriage, if they are they are willing to stay for better or worse.

In today's instant gratification society, people treat S/Os like channels on the television. (click) We need a whole lot more commitment. I would fight for my relationship, any day, over giving up. Of course, there are breaking points, but the reasons some people break up are paltry.

i put i couldn't tell ya...cuz each case is different. but i do think lots of people give up too easily!

I don't care about other couples.

Fight to stay married. I don't think you should fight to stay married. You either are supposed to be married or you aren't. Fighting for what isn't meant to be won't change anything. More like delaying the inevitable.

In today's society it is easier to walk away than it was, say, 20/30/40/50 plus years ago. There isn't the stigma of being divorced, nor do all religions condemn you if you are. So, I think that when people find themselves in a relationship going nowhere they can just divorce whereas they would have had to stay in previous years.

I do think that some people do give up too easily; they expect marriage to be a bed of roses when it is actually hard work most of the time. For them it is easier to divorce than make an effort.

Every relationship gets tested. And there will be days when everyone just wants to walk away. Personally, I cant speak for others, but the bond that Sasha and I have is remarkable. And neither of us would give the other any reason to walk away.

I voted yes.Nowadays people think that couples are disposable.It's like "ok if I don't like this one,I'll just get another one."Believe me there have been times I have wanted to beat my SO upside the head,but I didn't.You just have to take it one day at the time.

Nice words!

I know the feeling too! Alla and I have something I have never felt before, a trust and bond that can handle any of life's difficulties. Neither of us would dream of doing anything to try and break it.

most couples do tries to work their marriages than giving up quickly.

Interesting results to this poll. 20 say yes, 0 say no

Saludos,
Caro

You can only save a relationship if both people are willing to seek help and to compromise and to give due consideration to the other person's needs. I don't think you can say that people give up too easily unless you've lived through whatever they've had to live through. Of course you shouldn't walk out after the first argument, but there comes a point sometimes where you recognise that it's never going to get any better than it is and you have to make a decision about whether you can live with that or not.

I think it's very sad if two people stay together merely out of a sense of obligation and make each other unhappy for the rest of their lives.

It's one of the reasons that I think maintaining a relationship at a distance can be a good thing sometimes because really all you can do is talk and you have time to learn a lot of both good and bad things about each other before you make a final commitment.

have them trade husbands. things might work better that way.

In a nutshell, I tried to "make it work" with my ex-husband. However, when you try to sit down and talk to someone about the problems you're having and all he does is sit on the couch watching TV, eating chips, and ignoring you, it's very difficult to make it work. Especially when he makes no effort at hunting down a job, would never consider taking a minimum-wage job because he considers it "beneath him," and can't help out around the apartment because he's "sick" all the time.

I don't know about you guys, but I wanted to be a partner to my husband. I never wanted to be his f##king mother. That's not a relationship, that's a disaster.

It lasted a little over two years before we were separated. I don't consider that giving up too quickly, I consider that getting out at the end of my financial string and completely in debt because of a deadbeat who couldn't handle taking care of himself, let alone having any sort of concept of maintaining a relationship. I was nothing more to him than a prize to be won and once he'd won it, he didn't bother taking care of it. I felt that way in the very first months after we were married and it never changed thereafter.

Too quickly? Not quickly enough is more like it. I think that more couples need to get the concept of how to get out while the getting is good. You can't force a marriage to work when one person does not hold up his/her end of the bargain. Working through problems is one thing, but I've seen first-hand what happens when one person just doesn't give a shiite and it ain't pretty.

I did say no i think everyone still tries and then usually tries some more but with each case being different its hard to generalize. Years ago the family unit did represent more, women werent working and would often stay together because of need. Now times change fortunately in this area and women no longer need to stay say in an abusive marriage but i still think most try their best in their individual situations. Marriage has no written guarantees.

From a general standpoint, it does appear that relationships are disposable....

HOWEVER



ITA

brother arijit, you missed your calling..you should ahve been a psychologist

Being separated and 'talking' - 'learning' about each other - doesn't guarantee success of the relationship. Talk is one thing - action is another. Somebody can talk till the cows come home about what they are, who they are, etc. The proof is in the pudding - what they are REALLY like in day to day life. The two can be very different things.

I think some people are not willing to put in the effort to make their marriage work. But on the other hand ... it takes 'two' willing individuals. So if one person wants it, and the other does not - you are between a rock and a hard place.

This is very true. This was the biggest reasons I moved to Russia for a year and lived, as a real family (not a tourist) with my fiancée and her children. Sure we could talk and e-mail up a storm, but... We needed a practical examination. We both passed with high marks.

Agreed. I have fallen short of my words many, many times.

Awww.

I think it depends on what the "for worse" part actually is.

It's not up to me to say what is someone else's breaking point.

I agree as well. There are too many variables to say if a person gives up too quickly or not. Lots of things come into play...are both willing to work on things, do both acknowledge there is a problem, are both motivated to change, is there abuse going on, cheating etc. Too many variables to say what is too quick. As someone else said...I can't judge another person's breaking point. So in my eyes while some may give up too quickly I also think some don't give up quickly enough. It is always going to be a matter of personal opinion.

O_O I understand what you mean, completely. I wish I'd had the sense to leave after two years rather than feeling guilty because I hadn't really loved my ex enough to begin with and toughing it out for NINE years. You totally did the right thing, because that kind of situation really does get worse the longer it goes on. ~ Hannah

I am not sure what is really wrong with that attitude. Just what is the benefit of staying in a bad relationship or marriage?

I agree with both of these sentiments. Perhaps it's more that some people get married too quickly than they abandoned marriages too quickly. For every marriage that ends where there wasn't one of those deal breakers that most of us agree on (cheating, abuse, etc), maybe those people really just didn't know the other person well enough. Maybe one or both of them presented themselves as they wanted the other to believe they were, but not actually how they were, just to find that special person they wanted to believe would be the one they'd spend the rest of their life with. They weren't the right person in the first place. And loving someone is not the same as being in love with and wanting to commit to another person. So if it's not working, and you know it really isn't meant to be, why try to save something that never was there in the first place? Maybe I'm too idealistic, but if it's the right person, you'll make it through the rough spots.

I don't know. People certainly are known for changing a lot. I think you need to know that the person is basically good on the inside, but there's no guarantee of what could happen later.

Sometimes people make even little changes that can drive a serious wedge in the relationship. My SO is the right person now, but if he one day became wealthy and didn't want to be charitable, or if he got into hunting, or if he started drinking a lot, each of those examples really would change and harm our relationship.
If he completely changed, like he found Jesus and became a missionary or something, I feel pretty certain our relationship would end. I know he feels the same way, too.

That's why I don't like phrases like "that's just the way I am"; personalities are not fixed in place.

yeah, I get what you are saying, just giving one possibility. But also it's another reason not to beat an already dead horse of a relationship even more by trying to stay together.

How could anyone know for sure if another couple has "given up too quickly"?
We are not them.
We don't know what their relationship is really like or what it is even based on, let alone what each of them expect or need. We don't know what they can live with/without or how much stress/separation/whatever THEIR relationship; or THEY as individuals can handle.
How can an outsider to the relationship really say they "gave up too quickly"....and KNOW that they actually did?
IMO an individual can only answer honestly for themselves; with regards to their own relationship.
People do what's right/comfortable for THEM.

and really...to hell with what anyone else thinks of what they've done or not done! Actually, Troll's answer (who cares about other couples) may be the best... hehehe

Well, I wouldn't say that is what I think 100%. There are some people I've seen stick it out who should've given it up long ago.

It's pretty obvious couples don't try as hard as they did 80 years ago, otherwise the divorce rate wouldn't be so high, but then again, life is different nowadays. I don't know much about marriage, I know it's for life. Many people get married for the wrong reasons. Why get married?
My thoughts about marriage are the same as tattoos: if you ever had 1 doubt, even for a second, it's because you're not supposed to do it.

nice thread by thoughtful vj ppl,ppl who give up quick on a relationship like marriage are actually relationship junkies ( as when rough patch strikes they need shelter so avoid) ,ones who fail to owe responsibilty or have psychological error in their system or persona,
i agree to everyone here.love begetts love ------easy rule.

This is my second marriage and the first one I left because of physical abuse.. even with the extremes in that relationship - i still waited almost 3 years to divorce him because I wanted to make sure I did absolutely everything I could.. I went to counseling, I went to marraige couselling (alone cause he didn't bother to show up).. i gave him time to get help..etc. etc. and when I knew I did everything I could.. I filed for a divorce.. I don't have regrets and I don't lose sleep at nights wondering what "might have been".. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

But I wouldn't want a marraige like my grandparents that lasted over 50 years, but my grandfather was horrible to my grandmother and she would have never thought to leave him. You just didn't do it then; most people stayed together no matter what. That's not living, just staying together because the church or your family says you stay together.

I wouldn't want a marriage like that either. But I think the world is different now. It's normal and people accept easily divorce.

Last time I read my resume, nowhere did it say: "I AM QUALIFIED TO JUDGE OTHER PEOPLE'S RELATIONSHIPS AND WHETHER THEY TRY HARD ENOUGH TO 'SAVE' THEIR MARRIAGES" -- in summary, I don't see it as any of my business.

Exactly. My breaking point came when my ex hit me in front of my daughter. I gave my first marriage 20 years. Once the abuse started, I didn't hesitate...my life and that of my daughter's meant a hell of a lot more to me than worrying if I was "giving up too quickly".


Whether this kind of thing happens 2 months or 2 years into a marriage...I can't see why someone would fight so hard to preserve a relationship like this just so they can say "I didn't give up so easy". Is physical harm (or mental) worth it just to save one's pride? IMHO of course.

With that said, I do think some couples give up easy...but that's just MY opinion and certainly not to be misconstrued as the gospel truth.

I tend to agree - although I wonder if the percentages would be different in the immigration community vs. everyone else. I feel like from what I read here on Vj very often it's, "It didn't work out...I'm sending him/her back."

Who knows though.

If two people come to agree that they should give up their relationship, it says something about their love from the start. Dontcha think??

Ahhhh, youth. It really is wasted on the young.


I am so glad you are out of that relationship, E. I am even more glad that you survived the 3 years while you went through your verification process. I am especially glad for the Kipster. He is truly heaven sent.


That just makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. Thank God you left immediately. I imagine it would have been a different story if you hadn't.


No, I don't think that. I think that people who agree on something as important as a relationship are intelligent and thoughtful. I think the crazy ones are those who aren't able to agree.

No totally see your side Karen.. completely.. For me I knew i had every reason to walk away and never look back.. at the time though, i was a sick as well, having been mentally & verbally abused by him for 3 years, that I wasn't thinking 100% clearly. I could SEE that I needed to exit, and was taking all the steps I knew to be safe and apart from him, but for me personally I NEEDED to do everything I could do, even with an abuser as a husband, to know that I did everything I could on my end to make things better.. in the process I got better and I healed.. and I got to a place where I could open my heart up to another.... It was something I vowed to do for myself, so I could let go, and then I knew it was time to start divorce proceedings.. He certainly wasn't going to pay for them!

so you think you should get married even if you have doubts, correct?

I have never done one major thing in my life I didn't have doubts about. My absolute conviction that what I'm doing is the right thing ends at clipping my toenails and showering, pretty much.

No. I'm saying that many/most things in life are not as cut and dried as that. There are many things which have to weighed when making such huge life decisions. It would be nice if things were that simple, though.

Everything has become so disposable, even relationships...even friends of mine (several) have multiple divorces because as soon as things weren't easy, one party would split...

Guess that's why I waited till I was 37; waited for my soulmate...

"What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility." ~ Leo Tolstoy

My mom was just saying that yesterday. It really is so so so true. I think that's the most important thing you can tell anyone before they get married. Almost any amount of problems is surmountable if you deal with them well. The tiniest problems are huge roadblocks if you deal with them poorly.