Mawnin,

A mi again...fawurd... How did your spouse/fiance/fiancee adjust to the US and did he/she have family here? For those from a different background, did your family/friends except the marriage (as if it matters). Just curious. Thanks.

Had to throw this in...lady ijust walked into my office her WIG is leaning...cho let me go tell her, hope she's not offened. Looks like Chaka Khan.

Lawny

ahhhahaa..mi belly...ahhaahaa..a cyan stop laugh...mi woulda tell har to

It was hard or hubby to adjust, he thinks he has grown and learned what he needs to already and the 1st month I had sit him down alot of times on things that we do here and why we do them...him have family yere but dat no mean nuttin....dats was a whole rigmarow wid dem....mi did affi show him seh everybody (mostly) a fi dem self...dem nice now cause u just come but gi dem 2mths and u will see true colors ,so said so done...but he is much much better..him still tink US
ave too much rules and laws but dats why MOST tings work cause everybody cyan do what dem feel when dem feel like it.

but, with all that be prepared cause it tough especially if him never go a farrin before

just mi 2cents

Kimmy

ditto for what Kimmy said. It is hard and as for family he says they weren't bothering with him when he was in JA so he isn't going to bother with them now, but they don't live round we so its all good.

ur so lucky they live far ...that's the same thing he has been saying lately...he's used to HIMSELF so it's no different now..nobosy cared when he was in JA and dem not even know how he got here and dem a gwaan like dem bran new now....now I realize I don't have to say certain things anymore..he has been learning..also he was going crazy not havving a job..the house drove him mad...especially when it got cold...

Adjustment was hard. And, I'm not sure it's all said and done yet.

Andre was bored and restless for the 7 months it took him to get a full-time job. I was crazed trying to find stuff for him to do and, luckily, the "cash" job a friend offered.

Explaining to him why he couldn't pee in the back yard, walk down the street with the machette, spliff, or an open container of alcohol, call JA whenever and for however long he pleased, drive without a license, how to budget and responsibly use an ATM/Debit card, when we could send money back and when we couldn't, etc.....those were challenges.

Andre's sister lives in New York. Close enough to be of some support and comfort; not nearly far enough away on some days. He's had a few friends pass through town.

Today, it's almost two years later and all has pretty much worked itself out. You have to be really patient, able to look at the situations through their eyes and understand a bit, and communicate more then you ever thought possible.

Right on

DWL @ jomo & kimmi....I know my man think US have 2 many rules too...when I went to visit him he pissed anywhere he wanted. I told him that he can't do that in US...they will lock your a$$ up...he has a few family here, but she think she all that, told him I was too OLD...mi afi tell her fi more her Cl*&(#$*&$#. I didn't want to be rude, but she had no right. She didn't even know me at all and I was so polite to her. I drove 4 R*#$ hours to New York to bring her fish and ackee and rum. Soon as mi left, di ooman ago call im seh mi too old fi im...and im nufi deh wid no ooman weh have pickney already. He don't need a readymade family. I had to PRAY on my 4 hour drive back. I didn't even get out Queens good before she called him. She called 10mins after I left.

DWL @ pee'in in the backyard

Not to sound at all negative; but you are going to really have long talks with him on how you feel about this. For you to face this so early on is not a good thing. Believe me when I say it will be a constant thing you will deal with. IMO....that was kind of a rude and ungrateful thing for her to say and do without really knowing you.

I had children going into this. We will have no more unless we adopt our orphaned nephew, which I really want to do. This has not been an issue with us. Andre always said my kids are his kids and he's stood up to that.

Age is just a number too, girly. If the two of you can make it work, who is anyone else to tell you differently. Keep the faith!

LAwny she syam outta order fi real...I would nicely tell her a piece of my mind....dis old foot good enough fi bring har man a farrin so oonh can pack up him head a cra though...full a sh**t

No NEGATIVITY taken. I'm here for advice, so I'll take it. Besides, eventhough I don't know you, my spirit take you. He put her in her PLACE when she said that...she had no right and he stood up for me. He said he's not putting anyone before me and I'm not putting anyone before him. His people back in Montego Bay was also upset about her comments. They told me to pay her no mind, just to ignore her. I did her a great favor and well, she's a (I won't say it here) I'll do as you suggest and keep the faith.

That is a giant step in the right direction. Good for him.

You just watch your back now. Mama sounds like a real piece of work.

Lawny, yuh bad nuh rass (like Gill would say) Ah hope she nuh offended and nock yuh up side you head..



No change fi yuh Kimmy

My husband has been here for a little over a month. He is adjusting well. Kevin has nuff family in America. With the exception of Christmas & New Year's, we talk to his family by telephone. Kevin doesn't want them to think that he is going to ask for any thing. I feel like none of his relatives broke their necks to get him here so no love lost if they don't communicate.

My family accepts Kevin because they know the struggle. Our cultures are similiar. My family is from Panama. I really don't care about acceptance. Only outsiders like co-workers had to say negative things like "What if you are being used for a green card?" I can worry about others. That's why I love about this website. People have issues that mirror mine.

Likkle more,

Kelia

she renk an outta rass awda...mek shi move har nasty rass an GWEH cha.....if him did want a young gyal, him woulda fine one long time, nuff deh a JA, a YUH him wah....BRITE

Hi Trelawny, don't worry about a thing. You will always find a negative person out there. I dated a guy for 10 years and I got along with everyone except for 1 sister. She was just a miserable person. People are very jealous and back stabbing. It's good that she revealed herself early so you know not to be bothered with her. She'll need you before you'll need her. Women are very lonely and desperate and don't want to see others happy. When I first told people about Marvin, I received neg. vibes from my family so I don't discuss him with them. My parents are coming around though because they asked what was going on with the case but my info. is still limited. You love your SO, so the heck with everybody else. We only live once so be happy. Go for it!!! If someone would have told me that I would be in love with someone from another country, I would have laughed but when it's your destiny, no one or nothing can stop it from happening.

Bridget

Ditto!! Ditto!

OMG...sounds like my mother-in-law. A true piece of work.

I did not meet her until last May when we visited her in Aruba. She moved there 7 years ago so I never had the pleasure of meeting her while Damien and I dated. Until our visit, she would say mean things about me. And she was really rude to me whenever she called our house. I would bite my tongue and kill her with kindness. Boy, was that hard. She didn't like the fact I was an American older who already had a child. Even made comments about my size when she's a turkey sandwich away from my weight.

The first few days were hard in Aruba but got better toward the end. She even said I had a good soul and was much prettier in person. I guess I wasn't the old fat hag she was expecting. We talk every once in awhile.

My family and friends LOVES Damien...they think he's great.

The ajustment...four words....PRAYER, PATIENCE, PATIENCE, and PRAYER. Overall, Damien has adjusted well. It's been 3 years and he's still adjusting to everything like - driving, directions, banking, paying bills, doctor appointments, etc.

that is too funny being a turkey sandwich away

Well said.

People will always have something negative to say. I hear them almost everyday...I think some people didn't expect for Damien to do so well. It's like damned if do and damed if you don't...we don't pay those people no mind.

Mi out fi kill Aaron....ah joke mi ah mek. It's been about 3 months since he moved here and I would say he is adjusting well (but then wi deh ah likkle Jamaica). He tells everyone that Miami is like Jamaica, only cleaner and the stores likkle bigga .

I have had to sit him down and explain that we can't pee on the road (I hope yu nevah pass wi outta Orlando when him ah pee pon di highway ) and he is surely not afraid to ask questions. Thanksgiving weekend we went to Georgia to visit friends and he drove all the way. We had a discussion on how much faster over the speed limit you can go without getting a ticket. I said 5 miles, my BF's husband said 10. The very loving husband approached a cop in the mall when we got home and posed the question to him (Police tell him 5, but him mus' go di speed limit).

Anyways, nuh mind MIL. Mi happy him put har inna har place...bright and facety. Mi tank Jah-Jah seh fi mi in-laws dem treat mi good and mi love dem bad. Hol' di faith yah mi girl, him proving himself to yu.

Hope everyone had a good day! I'm tired. Hubby say he wants me to take out my IUD. I don't mind, but I'm tellin U all this "stuff" is wearing on me Speaking of adjustment. He has my head spinnin.



True

Dee is gonna have a baby soon Are you ready?

Just wanted to add another thing. I met Marvin when I went to JA with some co-workers. One of my co-workers is an older JA women. When I was leaving, Marvin came by to say goodbye. She said boy, you made an impression on him. She drilled him the night before. Another co-worker metioned that things were going well between Marvin and I. She made a comment that really surprised me. She said she made sure that all of her children married Jamaicans because American women are sneaky and keep a nasty house. I was surprised, shocked, and hurt because this is a Christian women. She didn't say this to me because when we were going to the airport she said don't forget about my Jamaican brother. This just gave me another reason to keep my mouth shut and to invite her to my home when Marvin comes.

Bridget

No not really. I want a masters first, no time will be the right time, but my bio clock is ticking. All of a sudden em ask when mi gone have a little boy pickeny fi em. You have enough madness going on right now, why u thinking about a baby now.

I heard these comment more than once. My MIL made a few comments about cleanliness when I met her...only because Damien's suitcase was packed neater than mine and we didn't clean the hotel bathroom before housekeeping

WOW! Great topic. I don't have much to add...but great topic.

Mi can tell oonuh bout MONSTER IN LAWS !!!

Hey Baby; how are you doing? Good to see you on "your" thread. We all just dominate it suh!!!


Bwoy, me confuse. Ah weh me deh, eehhhh?? A nuh Jawi tread dis!! A wha rong wid me ehhh?

Hey honey. It's not my thread anyway...it belongs to all of we. I love to see all the bantering and laughs.

hahahahaa...woiieeeee..mi tell oonuh seh Claire mad....ahahahhaa....it's ok darling...u tiyad gwaan go res....hahahhaa u gave me a great laugh dough

Lawd you so crazy for this one here

Very wel said!! All of you have stated things very well. I think we all have gone through the negative comments. When I started getting them, I just shut my journey off to them and "did my thing" on my own. Because truth be known, this is my life. Yuh nuh like ie... Then keep it moving!!

As for the adjustment... Well I can only say that it is an on going process. The hardest part for him was all the rules here in the US.

MAWNIN,
......DWL.....lawd mi belli...I'm so glad I have this WEB site for support. Just reading someone the post about cultural adjustment and I'm in my office CRACKING UP...wow GOD is good...thanks for friends like you. This is his AUNT...his mom, dad, brothers, other relatives they LOVE me...it's just this one AUNT that lives in New York...I'm sure my mouth will meet hers again, since I have to see her in Jamaica for his brother's wedding. This woman just hates me, but I'll keep her in my PRAYERS...but mi ago pray with one eye open...mi naw worry bout her...she never did anything for him and now she want to have 100% input...more her rass yes.

DWL @ JaEnglishGirl....girl you had me dying this morning. Bridgett thanks for the support. Thanks to ALL for the support. I really need it. It's been a rough road for me the last year. Now, I'm in an all out FIGHT with my son's father who don't want him around another man...cho mi head ago buss. mek mi go drink some tea. likkle more.

Enu walk good u hear

Mawnin my girl,

I feel the same way. My clock is clicking away too. I'm 37 and my SHOP is closed @ 40 whether he likes it or not. We discussed this in length, but all he said was well, WE'LL HAVE FUN TRYING and he'll support me anyway...go firgure...typical MAN. I'll send you fertility prayers...I'll need them too.

I blew diet pepsi out of my nose when I read it!

Amen, sister!

The thorn in my side is one of mr jengles cousin's. I just want to go to JA and tump her in her mouth.



don't even get me started with the son's father thing.

I always feel like if they are vexing me from JA, I can fix them.......we stop answering the phones. They can talk all they want to anyone they like. It just won't be me.

What's she doing, Jengles?

I must be very lucky with the father thing. My kids have always been given the leeway to make up their own minds. My son took to Andre right away. They are pretty much inseperable. My son will call and I'll say, oh, I have to work on so and so. He'll be like, yah, but is Andre going to be home? My daughter was slower to come around; but once she did, she too adores him. Their father does not interfere in any way.

Jomo, you're blessed that you're children's father is not a PITA "Pain In the A$$" I've been with my son's father for 10 years and engaged 5!, yes call mi mad, because I am AM. I guess, I prayed and prayed and well...this is what I got. It's hard to be love someone that doesn't love you back the same way. Now, that I've left him, he wants to do a complete 360. He is giving me hell. Wants custody amongst other things. I'm trying to keep it all together, but it's getting harder by everyday. Truth be told, I wanted to leave him when I was pregnant, but I was scared. Had a highrisk pregnancy so, I thought i was stuck...I should have left anyway...i made a lot of DUMB ### mistakes with this guy, but I do have a beautiful little boy out of that relationship...am I bitter, just a little, but when I look at my son, I just breeze it off.

Trelawny

Oh, honey, every man in my life is a PITA for the most part. I've always pushed the idea that whatever we decide in our lives, it had to be good for the kids as well. I suppose he must've listened. We fight like cats and dogs sometimes, always have, but never in front of the kids. Don't ever put the kids in the middle of anything either. What we are arguing about is not the kids fault. And, in the end, we do have to agree on what is best for them now and in the future.

Some men learn too late that you were a good thing and now you are gone. They use whatever tactics they can to try and get that back. Don't let him win.

She calls him every day, when I'm not home and makes him think what he has in JA is falling apart. He used to give her money when he was there and she misses that. So its better for her if he is in JA. She's caused strife between him and his brother among other things. Of course he thinks she's only looking out for him, but his brothers aren't as free with their money as he was. I have no problem with the fact that they were close when he was in JA and she might want to keep the relationship. but its the news carrying that I can't stand. and now she has it that I took his passport to make him stay here. When I was at work minding my own business. My JA friends told me from long time to cuss out her CLATT, but I was trying to be nice.

Laughing at the took his passport comment. One of Andre's friends said I boiled him and ate him when they couldn't get him for a few days. I had 5 different people call me and ask me what happened to him. I was like, geez, people he's been working!

I'm sorry. He will eventually figure it out. The hard way, probably.

Mawnin!

We're not to the marriage step yet, but she was here in the US on a visitor visa this summer and got to meet my family. I'll try to answer your questions for our case, as best I can at this point.

How did your spouse/fiance/fiancee adjust to the US? She seemed to like it for the couple months she was here, though she will have a few minor things to get used to, like the weather. She also REALLY missed being able to speak Trini with anyone! We'll see how things go when she moves permanently

Did he/she have family here? No, she does not

Did your family/friends accept the marriage? My family needed some time to grasp everything, and they still have some fears (ie- "using me for a green card"), but my parents are completely supportive. I'm still working on my sister. I also think I'm VERY fortunate that my fiancee's parents treat me awesome, and they have already accepted me as their own, even though I have not met them yet!

Overall, this isn't an easy thing to deal with. Good luck to everyone working through all the cultural/family issues!

Hello!

Well even though I'm married to my man, he has not been to the States as of yet. I think we already have cultural differences that we deal with now and we don't even live togehter. There are just differences in the way Jamaicans speak versus Americans...not the patwa cause thats obvious...i think Jamaicans are just "harder" in how they speak and when you don't understand it, it can come off very offensive. There's not much for the word "offensive" in JA, but as American we are pretty sensitive any many things hurt or offend us. Jamaicans I notice just say it how they see it no matter how harsh it may actually be.

In the beginning of our relationship my father and his side of the family were against it. Rude and ignorant comments made about me and my husband all behind my back. My mother and her side loved the idea and were completely open to it. i think they knew me more....cause I haven't dated and American born man in YEARS. Plus none of my friends are American so dating him was really nothing new to me. The only difference is that I met him outside the US an the whole "green card" thing came up. Like everybody wants to come to the blessed land of the USA!

Anyway, I don't really care what people think about me...it actually makes me feel good about myself when other people worry themselves with my business, haha . We married and lots of folks turned around. My father LOVES Evan now! They met when my dad went down to JA early for my wedding. Evan picked him up from the airport and thats how they were introduced cause prior to that dad didnt want to speak to him....dads juss stubborn, but I'm daddy's lil girl and he'll do anything for me. Evan pretty much has phone calls with all my family now...mother, father, sis, brother. I don't even know they speak til days later and it happens to come up. then I get all jealous, like why don't you call me .

His family loves me, end of story. They are some of the sweetest people I have ever met.

One adjustment is racism. The concept of racism isn't really in Jamaica much. Blacks in JA are not a minority. They don't know what its like to feel like a minority in the country in which they live. Blacks in JA may be like Blacks in the US because of our slavery history...but it ends there. They didn't have civil rights oppressions like Blacks in the US. Hubby and I discuss this cause of issues I face here in the US with racism and he tells me that he doesnt understand it much cause they never had to deal with it. He doesnt have parents or grandparents who dealt with the 1940's-60's, like I have, so he has a different persepctive. This is just one thing that may be odd to him to see the current struggles Black Americans still have to go through to just get people to move away from racism. This is just one thing i notice as an adjustment.

This sooo true!! I left my kids father 18 yrs ago, and he still has the nerve to call me from time to time trying to get back to me CHA Bwoy mi tell ya 'im is deh KING OF DEADBEAT FATHERS han wan royal pain inna deh RASS!

Yuh suh right, mi husband tell mi "yuh tuh senitive hall deh time" Wen mi tell 'im dat sumting 'im seh was rude, 'im tell mi dat he didn't tink ie was

Did you just call me SENSITIVE?! *crying*

Thanks for the input, though. I'm sure my sister will come around and realize it's not about a green card or money!

Ha Ha! Jesse, you ain't the only sensitive one. My husband is one rude little something at times, and he don't even know it. He gets genuinely mad when I tell him he's mean or rude too, cause he thinks those are horrible traits to have and just doesnt see that things he says are just harsh! As you can see when I get harsh right back with him he just can't take it. Its the only way to show him how it feels.

I agree with all of the above esp the racism. My husband dosen't realize when he's being discrimated against and gives excuses as to why people mis treat him. He basicly dosen't feels it exist and feels that we " black american's are too sensitive.

...and on the being too harsh.... I feel bad sometimes when he disiciplines the kids. It comes out so harsh at times, I want to seh .. low mi pickeny dem. I know they need it sometimes but can we jus get some luv in our voice for goodness sake. In return I get in JA we do this, or we do that. I understand but maybe you should tell them how it is in JA before you treat them like they've grown up with parents with such strict parenting. He's alot better but it's still and adjustment.

Lawny,

I agree wid heveryone...COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!!!!!! I think bout dat same ting ALL deh time!!

Even last night, I took my boys tuh Friendly's fuh Ice Cream...han mi haffi wonda is what Ken wouldda git? Dem doan 'ave nuh Great-nut, Sour Sap or Rum Raisin!!! I ran home han called him wid my worries...What do I get...

"Lawd gawd Gill...stop from worry yuhself ova foolishness...mi favorite flava is Vanilla...dem 'ave DAT?!!"

Next fear is bribey!! Inna yard dat is jus' deh weh hit is!! Everyone a look a money!! I have told Ken a million times...if a cop pulls you ova...BE RESPECTFUL (which he is hennyweh) HAN DOAN OFFER DEM HENNY MONEY!!!! Dat will mek matters WORSE!!!!

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate...that's all yuh cyan duh...afta wi men nuh fool...dem will cyatch on tuh!!

Blessed,
Gill