hello all,
I am not on the "visajourney" per se', but I have a very close friend who is. she met a guy, traveled to his country (ghana), got married, and she is now on her visa journey to bring him to the states. I am not hatin' on that at all. But my question or questions are:
1) he is there in ghana, she is here in the states, why wont she go on a date with some nice guys that want to show her a good time (sex not necessarily included) instead of sitting around pulling her eyebrows out during these stressful times?
2)okay, now for the sex issues, she does not know if he is getting some on the side while she is spending her money and time trying to get him here, so what is the big deal with having relations with someone who is understanding to her situation until he gets here? (he wont know what she is doing or done anyway)
3) why is it that USC have to spend their money to get their "love interests" here in the first place, can't they subsidize the cost of the paperwork themselves instead of the USC's spending their time and money on this heart wrenching and confusing task?

Now please, don't come out of a bag on me, I am just asking some questions. Like I said, she is my friend and I hate to see her go through this, it seems like torture from my perspective. And I am just trying to get a clear perspective on why she is putting such an effort into this scenario, while denying her self some of the simple pleasures in life, and not knowing what he is doing alllllll the way over there and they are not "living together" as husband and wife yet. I could totally understand if they actually knew eachother, had a history and were sharing a domicile.

Honestly?

Are you serious?
*cough*
Your friend is MARRIED to this man. Obviously she loves him and wants to spend the rest of her life with him.
Why would you even come here asking this?
You are actually advocating that she should cheat on her husband until he gets here? Nice move.
Has your friend voiced to you that she thinks he's cheating? Yes, this process is a hard and long journey but when you love someone, you will go through anything to be together.

Why do you think you're friend is denying herself the "small pleasures in life" Is she distant? Not eating? Depressed? Remaining faithful to her husband (regardless of your feelings about how they met, why they're together and how fast they were married) is not denying herself. Its maintaining the committment that she made and building a strong marriage.

(1) You did say you're friend is married, correct? Why on earth would you encourage her to date?! She's married! It doesn't matter whether or not sex is involved.

IF you want to help her deal with stress, hang out with her. Invite her to dinner, catch a movie, have girls night out (she's married, and not interested in picking up men, respect that)

(2) You've got to be kidding about having sex with someone who understands until he gets here right? Of course she doesn't know what he's doing all the way in Ghana. But people live in the same house and sleep in the same bed and don't know what the other is doing (ie. people cheating, marriage ending in divorce). Keep in mind he doesn't know what she is doing either.

You say, "so what is the big deal with having relations with someone who is understanding to her situation until he gets here? (he wont know what she is doing or done anyway)." If he had sex with someone else and you found out, you would think he was the worst person on earth and that they should not stay married, right? Why would you encourage you friend to do the very thing that you say you're worried he's doing.

(3) You asked, "why is it that USC have to spend their money to get their "love interests" here in the first place, can't they subsidize the cost of the paperwork themselves instead of the USC's spending their time and money on this heart wrenching and confusing task?" First, what your friend spends her money on is not your business, unless she owes you money and is not paying you. Second, it depends on the country. Many VJers have a significant other from another country that earns more money than they do, and receive money from that person. I think the point is that married (and engaged!) people share money and when one is lacking, the other gives.

Finally, you said , "I could totally understand if they actually knew each other, had a history and were sharing a domicile." I want to remind you that they don't. If you want to be a good friend, just be supportive. You don't have to understand to be supportive.

1) Because she is married. Married people don't date (well, at least, they shouldn't...)
2) That's called adultery
3) a married couple's finances is none of your business



Saludos,
Caro

You have got to be kidding me!

Encouraging your "friend" to cheat on her husband does not sound like being a friend to me. She loves him and trusts him and that is enough. Love is more than living in the same place and seeing each other everyday. It is trusting that the other person, no matter where they are, will do anything and everything to make sure the relationship works.

What makes you think her husband is not being faithful to her?

Maybe it is you who have the problem.

Leave your friend in peace.

never mind.......not even worth my time responding.

Wow, I was just merely asking a few questions. Now let me see..."is she depressed" one of you asked. Well, yes in my opinion, I think so. She appears preoccupied all the time. She is constantly worrying about receiving a notification from immigration. Oh, and someone asked why would I or did I come here to ask these questions. Well lets see, who else should I asked but these wonderful Visa Journeyers she keeps telling me about. You all are so infomative she says, so intuitive she raves and full of worldly compassion she declares. So I decided to ask...forgive me for being on the outside looking in. So far, some of you are a tad bit hostile...geesh. I don't mean to sound like I'm encouraging her to "cheat" but seriously, can she really know he isn't getting anything on the side while she is going broke financially and emotionally waiting for his arrival. And I'm quite sure he knows she isn't getting any, she spends all of her money on phone cards calling him and sending him "care packages" and sometimes she even sends him money. So where is the logic in him thinking she can afford to take car of him and still mess around with someone else, that would be self defeating. Personally, I think he knows he has her hook line and sinker. And for those of you telling me to mind my business, she is my business. We have been friends since diapers. And I have always been there for her, no matter what. I just don't understand this new level she is on, so please stop persecuting me for my ignorance. And...and, I do encourage her to come out with me, but she wont go, she says that since she is married she has to take herself off of the market, so she wont go out clubbing and dancing (and believe me, she can dance very well and guys like dancing with her, nothing has to come of "the dance" but she wont participate, she wont flirt and there is nothing wrong with flirting as long as its innocent) Oh, about that comment about I made about her have "relations,", well, I know she has needs, she is human and vibrant.
And no, she did not say he was cheating on her, but there have been times she has called and he did not pick up the call immediately, however, he would call back like 10 minutes later saying the "ghana telecom" was displaying there jealousy again or something about the lights were out or something so nobody had electricity. Oh, and I don't really care how they met, internet, in a club, at a church or what have you, I don't frown on chance or divine meetings. But I hope I explained my reasoning for coming here and wanting to understand my friend better.

Being her friend I would think you would support her. All of us on here can relate tothis process consuming us and our lives. The waiting is hard and if you do not have the luxury of seeing your SO often dealing with it can be hard. I understand her feeling of not wanting to go out, I have the same issues. My best friend lives 2 hours away from me and before all this we would see each other at least twice a month. Since I have started this process I have seen her only once.

I have had my share of ranting and raving about this process. Go to any of the monthly filer threads in the K1 forum and read them. Everyone is pissed/angry/depressed/fed up. Others are having a hard time dealing with the separation. Others have been hospitalized for anxiety/stress because of all this. Everyone deals with this in a different way and your friend is dealing with this the best way she knows how.

I am lucky enough to have friends and support that I can vent to outside these boards. My family and friends has been very supportive, helping me when I have lost all hope during this process, pulling me up when I felt nothing was going my way. My friends have been curious about the process, encouraging me and my fiance. Many of them are in contact with him and have been sending him messages of hope, telling him how much they are waiting for him to get his visa so that he can come over and see them. I have a friend who is doing her own count down to when he gets here.

On the other hand I have friends who have voiced the same things you have about being faithful. My answer "You don't know him so don't make assumptions".

I am assuming you have not had the pleasure of dealing with the phone network in Ghana. The simplest stupidest things knocks them out. When I call my fiance, sometimes I get what I call "fake rings". It rings but does not connect because the lines are down. A few minutes later, when the networks come back up, he gets a missed call from me and calls me back. Same goes for text messages, they get delayed. Sometimes it will be a few hors before he gets the text. That is the beauty of the networks in Ghana. Its not unusual and not a reason for suspicion.

My advice, listen to your friend and be supportive. Even if you do not understand what she is going through, being there to give her a hug when she needs it, sitting with her on a particularly hard day, reading up on the process and asking her questions, these are all little things that will help. One of the main reason VJ exists is because we do not know anyone in our lives that knows what we are going through. As much as we love having this resource and community, having someone we know, who is supportive and encourages us is always welcome.

yes you have explained a little better.
Your frustration seems to be motivated by losing a buddy to hang with and now miss her when you go out to party, dance etc.
Things change when one commits and marries and the other remains single.
I hope you will support her in her choice and I hope she has made the right one.
The cheating suggestion is still way off base and mature adults can contain their 'needs', humans aren't rabbits and your friend is to be
commended for her morals and high standard of behavior.
There are such things as true and exclusive love. I can't imagine in my wildest dreams getting my needs met by anyone but the one I am in love with and committed to.
Never in a million years.

Thank you all for answering my questions, attempting to understand where I am coming from and explaining some of the "ghana telecom" issues. I thought everyone in the world had service like we do in the U.S.A. except the people I see on national geographic. (please dont come out of a bag on me again, its just that the only exposure I've ever had with a real live native african is what I've seen on television...so when you don't know, you just don't know).
Alright, so I have to have a more global perspective. Just know that I do love her as a friend and sister, I have seen her go through the worst of the worst in relationships and when she loves someone, she loves them with every fibre of her being. She is the only person I know that doesn't give her love in doses, she gives it by the gallons. So I don't want to see her get hurt by some man from another country, she has been hurt enough by the ones here on our own soil. And again thank you all.
Bye for now.

P.S. I'll come back if I have any more quiries.

I think avj'ersfriend should take a vacation to Ghana! Maybe that way she could try to better understand, some of the things she does not know. Like with the phone system and lights, boy she has no idea. I think it would be a great idea for her to meet her friends husband, family and friends. I promise avj'ersfriend would have a great time in Ghana, the people, food, lifestyle, ect.. you just don't know what you are missing out on. Who know's maybe you would meet a man there

Everyone else had great comments Zee and Omoba

By the way avj'ersfriend, if your friend comes here often, I bet she'll be along to read your post. Hope she's not mad a you for this. I probably would be.

Are you serious, where are your morales and values.

IMO if you want honest, straight forward answers then go directly to your friend.

if she is uncomfortable clubbing and activities where men are involved and u want to spend time with her then go like to movies, out to lunch/dinner, shopping so u can still hang together.

Are you a female or male friend? And I have some issues with the lines in Ghana too. False rings and cut offs etc...It can be disturbing....I get all upset wondering why he turned off all the phones and not answering texts and its the system there especially if there is over cast or a storm here in cali. I got a text yesterday that he sent to me 2 days previous! I cant tell you how many misunderstandings we had over issues like that. There are times we will not agree on something and we are madly texting then come to a compromise or agreement and calm down only to get a delayed text the next day and think the other has changed their mind about the issue and we start all over again

You had the right and opportunity to voice your concerns when your friend was dating but now that she is married you have the responsiblity to be supportive. She has made a commitment and it is sacred to her and you have to respect that as her friend. If you dont respect the boundaries she has set you will find yourself really an outsider when her husband comes home. You may not be very welcomed in their home. Its ok to watch and look out for her thats what friends are for but even if it was the most horrible marriage in the world you couldnt "make" her see it. As for her suspicions, it comes from him being so far away and missing the intimacy and they can be groundless but it doesnt help that you are there adding to it and causing more stress. If you truly see your friend is in some type of danger then by all means talk to her but be careful of your approach cause believe me she has heard sermons and advice from even total strangers once they hear she married an African and is going through immigration issues, so if you come with the same biased and ignorant remarks she has heard 1,000 times she will shut you out.

Its really great you are trying to understand her and her situation because your advice will sit well with her because it will informed. But truly, just give her some support. You may find out that this guy is a great guy and will make her and good husband. If it doesnt work out she will turn to you for comfort. We all fall on our butts sometimes

I can understand your concern about your friend. The very best thing you can do for her is to support her decision, even if you don't understand it.

If you've never tried to call someone in West Africa, you won't understand the "fake rings" the cut-offs and the times when the number simply won't work for days. My fiance has three different sim cards. After the first time his number didn't work for two days he said he would never go that long without communicating with me again!!

You don't have to go clubbing or dancing to spend time with her. Go to a movie. Go shopping together. Go out to dinner. She probably doesn't want to go to clubs or go dancing because she is married and "off the market" as you said. Support her decision to do that. If you really want to be close to her, try to learn about the culture of her husband. It will be HUGELY helpful after he gets here.

I hope the two of you are able to remain friends. All of us with foreign husbands/fiances get obsessed with the approval notices and we get frustrated with how long it takes. Be there for your friend. Try to understand where she is coming from. Becuase right now what she really needs is a friend who understands.

Only thing I can say is that I have learned that the only stupid question is a question not asked. That's why I stunk so bad in MATH!!! TOO embarassed to ask a question. So I say you are doing the right thing for your friend by educating yourself to her new life and new world. We all have different morals and values here, but please never feel scared or ashamed to post. I'd like to think that we are a family of non judgemental people who agree to disagree and accept each other for who we all are, and that is imperfect people struggling to live life in the most fulfilling way possible. So keep learning and keep supporting your friend.

lets see. I am a woman. I had very strong morals and values. where did they get me. cheated on, beat up, financially, emotionally, and psychologically exploited and isolated . I committed myself to someone once, maybe twice because I thought he (at the time) was the one. so my relationship morals, values and ethics got thrown in the garbage after they got shot to sh!t . why don't I go to ghana...what for, I did not lose anything there or find anything there . I'm not trying to make her see anything, I'm trying to understand what it is that she sees and how she sees things . and I did go directly to her and lovenly ask questions, obviously I still could not wrap my mind around her new level of consciousness which is why I eventually came here . we do go shopping, we rent movies over going to the theaters, and I miss us clubbing because 1) she is a plus size sister who dresses very neatly and 2) when she dances, she is a very intoxicating and sultry dancer and she can pull any man, even those that are not into plus size women, so we used to get a kick out of whole thing. and I think the other issue is this, she used to sing in a choir (community choir in chicago, she had a lot of male friends, who just doted on her. she met her last boyfriend of ten years before the guy she married and he misused her so badly, she quit sangin. I just don't want her to lose herself and her essence and let another one of her gifts go because of a man). so if that makes me a bad "friend" okay, I'll be that. and by the way, my friends moniker is "uno" (I don't know if any of you know her at all). she gave me permission to state her name. I was just waiting for the right time to do so. she is a strong woman, but the little girl on the inside needs comforting and sheltering. as her friend, I just want to do my best. oh and to the person who thinks she'll be mad at me, she is not like that, one thing about her is this, if a person is asking questions to be enlightened, she has no problems with that, what she does not like is willful ignorance or selective stupidity.
thank you.

It is only natural for you to be concerned about her especially if what you think she is doing is out of character for her. I also became different during this process, to the point that my mom voiced her concerns about me.

It is a good thing that you have such a great open relationship with her. Like I said before, she needs you to be there to support her.

Hello All
I am a late to the conversation, so if I am repeating something somebody has already mentioned please accept my apology. I will ask you "friend" if you and your "friend" would see a counselor together? Church counselor etc. The reason why I mention this, is that I feel there are two separate issues here. One is mourning the loss of a friendship and the other is trying to obtain clarity from your friend's recent behavior. I think the VJ family can give much insight to the visa process and explain much about our feelings and experiences with an SO from another country. However, I believe that if you can find understanding in the friendship realm you will continue to be the friend when hubby arrives, when they have kids, fights and making up after the fights.

VJ is just one step to many more steps because everything does not end with the issuance of that VISA.

As to your friend's immediate physical 'needs' there is an entire industry and shops devoted to satisfying them without breaking her sacred marriage vows... She can even buy such devices discreetly at Amazon and have them sent to her workplace and people will think she was only ordering the latest Harry Potter book...

Duracell is missing out on a HUGE opportunity by not advertising on this site...

But then of course I wouldn't know anything about these things from personal experience *cough*, just something my girlfriends have informed me about, knowing that I am in an LDR myself...

I think you're in love with your friend!

You may hate the hangover but I bet you miss being in love like that, huh? Even if its not something you would do, let her have her moment. You sound like a good friend to go through all this trouble so just be there for her when she needs someone to listen or help pick up the pieces afterward. And if she gets hurt she is grown. She made the decision and she is sticking to it. Its a shame you gave anyone the power to strip you all those valuable things, im sorry to hear that.

Damn, chipas U spoke my mind. I hope she is not going to be too involve with her friends marital life that will cause their marriage more problems when he arrives cos it seems she is tryin to be a god mother to a married woman. This can lead to wrong advise when normal everyday issues couples have start arising after they start living as husband and wife.

My advise to the OP is respect a marriage even if it is made from another planet. U might have been friend from diapers but once she is married and has that man's name attached to hers, remember now that ur friendship goes into another chapter and try as much as U can to stay away from their marital matters. What am trying to say is that U shouldn't be the one to jump into concluding for ur friend on what her husband is or is not.

I just have a big feeling of future problems that might get worse by a wrong advise from a long time friend. Don't U think that it's I time U get urself a man to keep U occupied and less interfering with people's marital life? We ain't getting younger and sometimes the clubing and game playin gets old and we want to start thinking about a family, becos we don't find that fun on the dancing floor no more. From reading ur post, it seems you are angry with the fact and you feel like this man from Ghana is keeping ur friend from enjoying what you both would normally enjoy, like going to clubs and having fun together. For this reason you starting to hate him and trying to have her cheat on him. Please don't think am trying to be rude, No am not but just trying to make U understand that there will be a time when ur friend and her husband will be going thru some adjustments (both cultural and personality wise) and that adjustment doesn't come easy, it comes with misunderstanding and during that process they will get to see the real life and get to love each other better if they're strong enough. Do urself a favor, don't get too involve during this process. And if afterall it didn't work between them, let them find this themselves and decide wherever they want to head in the marriage. I hope U understand what im saying here? Since U asked a question and been that I have experience this process, I have decided to add more answers to what U don't know yet and will encounter later on.

I totally agree that the only stupid question is a question not asked but at the same time I must add that a stupid question will always get a stupid answer.

Oh Wow, I have been away from you guys and already you are talking about me behind my back, LOL.
Well now, where do I start.
Yes, I have been through the ringer in some very bad and detrimental relationships, since my "friend" had to put me on blast, and yes, I have taken my self off of the market, and....NO, I am not going to entertain the adult "alternative recreation devices" industry, thank you very much "Patti" it was a nice touch though
Lets see, to "Alex and KNL" she is not in love with me, she just loves me as a little sister...and that is just wierd, eewwwww
To "Chis, Zee, Efia, Be, Queen, Omoba" and everyone else,
I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY CYBER HEART for explaining this to my associate, *cough* friend since "diapers". I can't believe she actually put that in here . I have been attempting to enlighten her on the aspects of my new life and all that it entails, but being from chi-town and having to adopt/adapt to the "fake it to make in order to survive" mentality is more than a mantra, if you are not strong enough, it can consume you and your psyche and thus manifesting itself into your life.
I broke away from the majority of that and took lifes lessons with me, I cut loose some very toxic people and I only kept around those that were tried and true.
The young lady that started this thread, they don't come no more tried and no more truer.
She is definitely a ride or die chick from the west side of chicago and I thank God for her, and for her keeping me grounded.
So that being said, this thread can close now if the MODs' see fit.
Peace to everyone.
UNO
P.S. To Chis, you are very perceptive, she is not going to lose me or our friendship, just like I was blessed to have my comforter manifested in my husband, she is gaining an extension of me, manifested in my husband who is going to love her as one of his sisters.
She and I have/had to learn to stop punishing everyman for what we did not get from our fathers or past relationships and allow God to bring people (husbands/wives) into our lives and show us his (Gods) love and then learn how to accept his (Gods) love through these people.

Amen to that.

Instead of jumping on this woman, I think we should feel sorry for her. Obviously she could not fathom the thought of her "friend" falling truly in LOVE with an african so much as to devote herself courageously and totally to him. This speaks volume about her character and her life experience. What you need to do is to concern yourself with your life - if you have any in the first place and leave this sister alone.
As for your very dumb insinuation about African and national geographic, just stop kidding yourself. There are so many Africans here in America doing just fine, and I bet you, you have them at your job - that is if you have one. And I know you've come in contact some of them. What is killing you is that finally, your "friend" has found a good man to love and cherish. Something you've never ever had in your life.
I only pray that you find true love someday and only then you will begin to understand and appreciate what your "friend" is feeling right now.

Well, I don't know the kind of friendship U have with the OP but I know something and that something is that she is trying to get inbetween a marriage with whatever she has posted and if ur husband ever has the opportunity to see what she posted, am sure he wouldn't like her one bit. From what I read of her post, she sounded more angry with the fact that she is lossing the time u both give each other and the way U have fun together and the reason for all these is the african man U married who is sea far away.

But again, let me advise U and will use the word please here. Keep ur friend as a friend and ur husband as ur husband. Why? becos when it gets into the stage whereby ur husband wants you to choose between him or ur friend then you know U have got it wrong along the line. Either U didn't straighten some stuffs out on time and allowed an outer force inbetween your marriage. Why am I saying this? cos I don't want another woman coming here and keep posting she got scamed by an african man. There are things african men can't stand and am sorry to say, u r heading towards that path.

I thank you for your advise. As far as our friendship is concerned, like she so blatantly put it "we have been friends since diapers." So that should explain the depths of our relationship. As far as "my marriage" is concerned, that is my marriage and she is fully aware of that. Anybody that knows "UNO" knows that I know my priorities. My priorities are my kids (not by my husband), and my husband. She is worried about my well being and my not losing "self" to a self destructive relationship or to some one who is not deserving of me. As far as the "scamming" is concerned, you don't have to go trans-atlantic to get scammed, that happens here right in the good ole U.S. of A. Check out the "baby mama - daddy drama" situations, since those situations are common place, its not called scamming, its called "drama!" So as far as that goes, no one (atleast I'm not) thinking about being scammed. As far as the path that I am on, I pray that it is one which is blessed and graced by God, ordained by Jesus and protected by the Holy Ghost. I thank you all for your care and concern.

Uno, it's nice that you have a friend that worries about you and cares for your well being.

Her main concern, I gather, is that you might get hurt. I don't think anyone can be sure that you'll have a happy, problem-free marriage forever and ever. I believe all you can do is put your best foot forward and hope (and pray) for the best. Is it a risk? yes, it is. Your friend will have to make peace with that, you are already in love and married. True, you can't really know if your husband is "having something on the side", (well, who can really, even if you're living in the same house?), but you trust your husband, and you have his trust, this is a pilar of marriage that should not be broken. You certainly cannot cheat on him "just in case"...but you already know that, and I know you won't do it.
Your friend wants you to lighten up during the wait...Now, there's some good advice for you. Time is not going to pass any quicker if you stand by your computer just in case you get an email notification from USCIS. May I suggest a good ol' girls night out? go out for a movie, out to eat, have a few drinks and a few laughs (remember to designate a driver lol ). I used to go dancing with my friends before I moved here, we didn't flirt or danced with any guys, dancing and spending time with the girls is fun on it's own
(great, now I really miss my friends...carrying on...)

My last thought: Don't try to fight change, change will kick your butt. He's got time on it's corner.

Saludos,
Caro

Amen

Dear Uno,

I'm glad to know that the strength of your friendship is so strong. And I'm sure she really cares about you. I hope that your friendship is strong enough to survive this. I'm glad to know that she truly cares about you and doesn't want to see you hurt. (I lost my best friend over my international relationship). I hope that once your husband gets here that you will still be friends with your friend.

my thoughts to you is to keep your "marital business" between you and your husband. If you need advice, go to your spiritual leader. It can be risky when best friends get involved in marital problems or trials. And the adjustment when your husband gets here will be tough (not speaking from personal experience, only from what I've read here). It takes a lot of patience and understanding as the cultural adjustments for your husband will be very difficult.

GOOD LUCK WITH EVERYTHING!!!

No te preocupes Caro. Tendras mas amiguitas por aqui y entonces podras salir a pachangear de nuevo. SP
Don't worry Caro. You will have more girlfriends here and then you will be able to hang out again. ENG

Gracias Chispas!

Saludos,
Caro

No hay de que ( sin acento argentino)
No problem (without the Argentinian accent)