I am currently going thru this K-1 process with my fiance. He is Nigerian, I am American. I have many Nigerian friends here in the US and they all cautioned me when I told them that I met my fiance online. I actually saw his profile on a site that THEY were on at my house. I emailed him first and asked to get to know him better. I've been to Nigeria, stayed in the home with him and his very large family. They all seem very genuine and I feel like I know this man very well. We've been talking online/on the phone for a year and a half. We are very close to him getting his interview. I've been cautioned by all my friends, and read all the negative things about Nigerians online. Is it possible that not ALL of them are just seeking a Green Card? I'm fairly new to this site and I'm hoping it will have some answers for me. Is there ANYONE that could tell me a successful story of their marriage to a Nigerian?? (past the 2 year mark). Thanks.

Of course we all (who are married/engaged to Nigerians) think its possible not ALL of them are after a green card or else none of us would be going through this.

Having 3rd parties involved in your relationship who plant the seeds of doubt isn't good for any marriage regardless of where you met or where you live. If you cast all doubts of others aside, what do YOU feel about him? Do you see big red flags?

We have all been cautioned and warned a thousand times. I'm married to my Nigerian husband and we have a son together yet people who I barely know still feel the need to enlighten me that it could be possible he is after a green card as if they are the first to tell me this. In the beginning those seeds of doubt caused me pause but I have long since overcome outside input and learned to trust him and us.

There are some in this group that have been burned by Nigerians so brace yourself to hear some horror stories as you read along in this forum. That does not mean your man is like this. You know him, we don't and that is the bottom line. Their experiences may be helpful if you are not the kind of person who is able to see the truth when it is staring you in the face but please remember that you are the one that knows him and your relationship.

Good bless and good luck in your journey. And welcome to VJ!

As a Nigerian man married to an American woman, I think I can speak on your behalf. Not all Nigerian men are in it for the green card, I can assure you of that. However that is not to say that there are no unscrupulous men out there. From what you say, his family sounds genuine and he sounds sincere. I am personally skeptical about internet relationships, but at the end of the day no one knows him better than you do.

If you love this man and you feel that he loves you then do what makes you happy. My wife was in Nigeria earlier this year and she loved it and did not want to come back, it was her first trip.

You might want to explain how things operate in the US before he gets here, let me know if there is any way that I can be of assistance. All best in your endeavors.

Ditto.

As with any relationship .... follow your heart, but be sure to use your head.

By 'explaining how things operate in the US'....I've tried to tell him all I can. I let him know that life here is not as easy as some foreigners believe it to be. We can't pick Nike's off the trees or go into a bank and withdraw money if there's nothing in your account. lol. Are there any KEY points that I should talk to him about that might make it more helpful for him?? You probably have a better idea since you've experienced it first hand. Thank you for your response.

While my spouse is not from Nigeria, there are similar stories on visa scams in Ethiopia. I don't know how many times I've heard that she'll come here and then cut and run. Something (and someone - her best friend who knew her better than anyone at the time) told me that that wasn't going to be the case. When I first met Nani in person, I knew that our mutual friend was right and that I was right. Don't ask me how I could tell but I could tell.

Here we are 4+ years later and still married, very happily married. Had our first child last year and hope to have our second in 2008.

Could I have been wrong? Sure. There are no guarantees in life. Ever.

Sure, I know there's no guarantees. I'm just so tired of hearing all the negative crap about Nigerian's deceitful intentions. As well as I feel I know him, and as genuine as I believe he's being......I can't help but start to second guess myself when I hear all the horror stories. Thanks for sharing. Your baby is beautiful.

There are no guarantees at all.
1. Get to know other people who are not his family members.
2. Have him interact with other Nigerians here, their or on VJ ( they are good sources and some husbands in this forum have noses like blood hounds. Get to know them.
3. in the spirit of repeating what someone else already said, don't spend more than you can afford to lose.
4. Be conservative in you happiness of how fantastic life will be here.
5. Pray
6. If it doesn't work, don't take it personally and treat is just another break up.
If you love him by all means follow-through, but use both head, heart and not punany to make the decision.
If you hit a bump, we'll be here
If you have doubts we'll be here
If you cry someone will pm you
If you forgive and go back, no problem, we are here too.
You are loved, kind and brave for considering this journey. However, you are not alone and you will love your experiences either way. That's why this is a journey

there are alot of us here who met and married someone from the internet. im sure we all have at least heard once...they are using u for a green card. so u will probably hear it alot. even my husband is not from nigeria and ive heard it many times.

i have a girlfriend who lived in nigeria for a really long time (20 years) and she herself would not trust any nigerian. maybe just her own insecurity but could mean nothing also.

it is ur decision who u meet and marry. u have to be comfortable with ur decision. if u r 100% convinced he is ok then im sure u r right. if there have been some red flags then just be careful.

oh yeah...dont forget to tell him its not like the movies here. alot of people imigine usa to be exactally like the movies they see.

good luck.

Thank you so much!!!!!

No problem.

There are successful and regretful experiences here on VJ. Life is a risk! Meeting this gentleman on line is no risky then meeting someone in the USA. Does he have all the qualities you look for in a man? He work hard, value his friends, family, and community. He is respectful to you and people around him.
What if the benefit is the Green Card, what do you have to loose? Are you committed financially? The financial aspect is usually the difficult part to overcome, if you determine the situation was intentional. I spent two years in a relationship I knew was doomed after one month. I learned from the situation and grew emotionally and spiritually from the situation. Lie is a journey without any guaranteed outcome. As long as you are enjoying the journey and it is purpose driven stay on the ride.

Good bless you in your journey. pray for guidance it will be there.

I'd have to say, that's one symptom I did not have. But then, when it comes to entirely personal decisions of mine, I don't usually give a rats patoot as to what others - as in folks outside my immediate family and very close and inner circle of friends - think. You know what they say about opinions: They're like arseholes. Everyone's got one.

My lovely wife and my sweet baby are coming back from Ethiopia today. I'm excited.

[quote name='MrsJibowu' date='Dec 29 2007, 08:10 AM' post='1449896']
There are successful and regretful experiences here on VJ. Life is a risk! Meeting this gentleman on line is no risky then meeting someone in the USA. Does he have all the qualities you look for in a man? He work hard, value his friends, family, and community. He is respectful to you and people around him.
What if the benefit is the Green Card, what do you have to loose? Are you committed financially? The financial aspect is usually the difficult part to overcome, if you determine the situation was intentional. I spent two years in a relationship I knew was doomed after one month. I learned from the situation and grew emotionally and spiritually from the situation. Lie is a journey without any guaranteed outcome. As long as you are enjoying the journey and it is purpose driven stay on the ride.

Good bless you in your journey. pray for guidance it will be there.


Thank you for your reply. He has all the qualities in a man that I've been looking for. He is not a lazy man, he's educated, his family and community praise him. Everything he told me about himself, I saw first hand when I went there. He does not work. He said that finding work is difficult. But in order to keep himself busy and as to not let his parents think he's lazy, he involved himself with Rugby several years ago. He is now the team manager. I was so proud when I went there and was able to watch him on the pitch at the stadium in Lagos. Because he does not work, I have become somewhat financially involved. Not that he's ever asked me to send money. Tho I have for birthdays, christmas, or just to help him along. But its only been $100 here and there. However, when I went there, it was at my own expense. I suffer the burden of the phone calls. I'm paying all the fees for the petition, etc. And most likely I will be the one who buys the ticket for him to come. He's very grateful and has always promised to make this all up to me. I could honestly say that I completely trust him. But it just scares me becuase I bet every one of those women that got fooled, probably at one time said the same thing.

You want to let him know that men contribute to the running of the house and do not expect women to do everything. It is difficult trying to get established and starting from the bottom is not necessarily a bad thing. I currently work in the financial services sector as a Senior Financial Analyst. I am one of the youngest occupying this position "not that I am necessarily young." I started working as a security officer years ago to support myself through college to get to where I am. It has not been easy but I am still here, you will also want to have a sincere talk with him about sending funds to his relatives, because that will be a cause of tension.

Hope this helps.

I know exactly how you feel. My man is not here yet, but there were MANY who were willing to tell me all the negative things about Nigeria - specifically Nigerian Men. And, especially because I met him on the internet, people were quick to tell me that it's probably a scam.

However, my parents and I met him in Africa last month. He was EVERYTHING I thought he was, even more. He's everything I want in a man and he's even better than I thought he would be.

It's true that it is difficult to find work in Nigeria. I think you and I are in a quite similar situation. He's never asked me to send money, although I have because I wanted to. I suffer the burden of the phone calls as well. It's cheaper for me to call him, so I pay for all of the phone calls. I'm paying all of the fees for the petition as well. I will be purchasing his plane ticket when he comes. And, of course, he won't be able to work until he has the green card, so I will be supporting him until that comes through.

But, like you, I can honestly say that I COMPLETELY trust him. And you know your man better than anyone else. You have to be able to put those negative things that you hear aside and put trust in your relationship. No relationship will work without trust and if you let the negative things that people say bring you down, your relationship will suffer. You will BOTH have to learn to let it go when people say rude, negative and insensitive things. Because people WILL. There will always be someone. If they aren't saying negative things about Nigeria and Nigerians, there will be people who may say things because you are of different races. Just let it go. They DON'T know you, they DON'T know him, and they know NOTHING about your relationship.

If there are truly no red flags and you love him and he loves you - DON'T LET FEAR STOP YOU FROM HAVING THIS WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP.

And if you're ever having a rough time, feel free to pm me!!

Here's my $1.57 worth

Whether or not there are other successful Nigerian/American marriages is really irrelevant to your particular situation. The most important thing to be aware of is that not all [insert country here]'s people are one homogenized being who all act alike, think alike, etc. Every person is different. I see this all the time on VJ, and while people of any particular country can share similarities, this does not mean they are all the same. So as long as you KNOW your man, you love him, and you are confident in your choice, then there's nothing to worry about. People will talk, but it's up to you to hold steadfast to the person that you know. They don't know him, so don't allow their aspersions to cast a doubt on you if you don't initially have one yourself.

Now, imo, you need to identify whether your doubts are results of trusted loved ones speaking out of ignorance, or if they come from within you. Yes, there are some scammers out there...both Nigerian and American. But if you know your man, neither one of these facts should make a difference.

I love this saying:

Work like you don't need the money,
dance like no one is looking,
and love like you've never been hurt.

Good luck to you!

I will do that.. Thanks for the advice.

Wow. I feel like that's me talking. We ARE going thru the exact same thing. Its so good to hear from somone that can relate. Thank you so much for your reply. I'll be in touch.


Wow. I feel like that's me talking. We ARE going thru the exact same thing. Its so good to hear from somone that can relate. Thank you so much for your reply. I'll be in touch.

You're absolutely right. Scammers do exist in every country. And broken marriages exist in every country with every race. My point is just that I'm sick of hearing the negative, failed, scammed, duped, etc...stories about wat Nigerians have done to women/men abroad. I needed some encouragement. I talk to my man all the time about what ppl say and its so discouraging to him. Especially when he hears that it come from the mouths of fellow Nigerians living here in the USA. Here's something funny: When I went to 9gia, we primarily stayed in his home with his family. But occassionally, for sake of privacy, we went out to hotels and stayed gone for a few days at a time. One of the places we went, was to the Excellence hotel. Guess what room number they put us in................Room 419. Isn't that hysterical. It didnt' dawn on us til we were actually opening the door, then we fell out laughing. We got some great pics of us standing in front of the door with the room number visible. All we can do is laugh.

You're absolutely right. Scammers do exist in every country. And broken marriages exist in every country with every race. My point is just that I'm sick of hearing the negative, failed, scammed, duped, etc...stories about wat Nigerians have done to women/men abroad. I needed some encouragement. I talk to my man all the time about what ppl say and its so discouraging to him. Especially when he hears that it come from the mouths of fellow Nigerians living here in the USA. Here's something funny: When I went to 9gia, we primarily stayed in his home with his family. But occassionally, for sake of privacy, we went out to hotels and stayed gone for a few days at a time. One of the places we went, was to the Excellence hotel. Guess what room number they put us in................Room 419. Isn't that hysterical. It didnt' dawn on us til we were actually opening the door, then we fell out laughing. We got some great pics of us standing in front of the door with the room number visible. All we can do is laugh.

Some of the paths that some of us walk here on VJ are harder than others. They all go against 'norms' of marrying within one's own country, but sadly some are more 'acceptable' than others. There will always be haters, and always be talk...the thing is to have the strength to disregard the hate that some spew. It's not easy, I'm sure....but imo, that is the key to happiness.

And I hate to say it, but I don't get the 419 thing. hahahahah

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advance_fee_fraud (A Wiki Definition of 419)

Hello, I looked at the photo's of you and your fiance you make a lovely couple and he looks very happy with you ... I am an american married to a Nigerian.. We have been married almost two years, he isn't here yet were still waiting for this process to be over so he can join me here in Texas. You know your fiance better than anyone. You can meet people here in the US with bad intentions, that's world-wide. Let God lead you. When I was in Nigeria preparing for my wedding with my husband I was so scared.... I said prayers in my heart to God, my husband didn't know that I was praying and in the morning for 2 days in a row he would wake up and have an answer to what I had prayed in secret that let me know it was going to be OK.... Follow your heart he's your finance and your's only. God bless you and your future husband...

I think it is wonderful that you were able to experience this with you parents. I feel blessed that my son was able to travel with me. He loved the travel and the people we met.

All of us go thru the doubts and even when he gets here, you will still have doubts. The best thing is that you meet him and his family. You saw how he interacted with his family. If he comes from a typical family, he has many brothers and sisters with a large extended family. It will be hard for all of them to fake it.

This is not a sprint; you can take as much time as you need. Me and my wife took two before I filed papers. We both laugh at the doubts we had. She is here now and marriage is work but it worth it.

Just know that he has a tough road to travel. The embassy is harder on men than women especially with online romance. Take pictures especially with him and his family. In our interview, the officer loved our pictures because they were natural and playful. I made multiple trips and so should you if you can afford it. The longer you are a couple, the easier the embassy will not think it is a green card issue.

Yes, some Nigerians have made it very difficult for others. But if you believe him, then until he gives you a reason to think those doubts are valid, enjoy the ride. Good luck.

Yes people have been meeting people in other countries online and getting married. I was one of the very early ones that did that in 1985. He was Argentine and no it didn't work out, but that has no bearing on any other US2Argentine marriage. I am now waiting through a much slower process to marry a Nigerian. He happens to be the cousin of my best friend. I spent some time there in Sept and loved it. We got along well and his family was great and we loved and laughed and loved some more. And an odd advantage I will have is not being able to argue with the inlaws . They are older and don't speak English and I don't speak Igbo. It actually helped my last marriage when we couldn't talk directly because it made us think more before things were said through a translator. In my time online I have met my share of men that want nothing more than to get you hooked into their love talk so they can drain your bank account. They give a bad name to whatever place they call home. Some where Nigerian and some weren't. And in a way I don't feel that people who have fallen in love with a picture and sent their entire savings to a foreigner can place all the blame on that person and their country. There is such a thing as self control and personal responsibility. Maybe I am just too old fashioned

Thanks for your reply. I have met his entire family. 5 brother and 4 sisters. We stayed in the same home with his parents and many of the siblings, nephews/neices, etc. They all were so incredibly kind to me. I've been told by some that the parents would never have allowed me to stay in their home and be showcased to the whole community if this was all a 'scam'. On the other hand, I've also been told, that the family will do anything to help their son gain a VISA to get out of Nigeria. Can you see where one's head may turn 'kolo' in all this?

My husband is not a MENA man, but is from Peru, and people were still willing to tell me all kinds of negative things. I didn't tell anyone I'd married him until after the fact (except for those who were present) because I didn't want to listen to it. He was already in the US, so people would ask me (my own father did this) if he had his green card before they asked anything else.
His own friends (I do not know which ones, if he told me I'd never speak to them again so we decided I didn't need to know as I'm antisocial enough as it is) asked if he married me for papers, and after we got married some of the South Americans we knew just asked if he had his papers yet. It makes me sick, that after all the immigration garbage, we're still being question by people who have no right to question.
But I think if you love each other and work hard at it, it is possible to have a long term marriage regardless of what countries you are both from. I remember reading in the book Sayonara by James Mitchener about the men who married Japanese woman while in Japan during the war, and while this was a novel he heavily researches and even if this part wasn't true, it's the principal, and while neither one spoke the same language, they made up their own half English/half Japanese way to communicate. People will make it over hurdles that seem impossible to jump from the outside, but it is what it is in our hearts that matters.
If you believe in your fiance/e and you believe in you, that is what matters. Do people get tricked sometimes? Yes. But you can't live your life in fear that it will happen to you, just be happy that you found someone

I had an epiphany last night. I was way too tired to come back to post, but here I am first thing this morning. I hate to be the bearer of bad news. I love to fill people with motivation, love, and joy, but I also want to protect my friends and family.

I have already heard 4 1/2 stories from 2005 of regret in just the African Sub Sarah region that SO's are Nigerian. I have only com across 3 stories of success thus far. I want to assume we have not heard the rest because they are busy being in love and not embarrassed and depressed to come here to share their stories.

Reality Check 1. All of us that claim we know our SO and family have to realize that so did these other 4 1/2 women who feel they were scammed, manipulated, and lied too.

Reality Check 2. People do desperate things in desperate situations.

Reality Check 3. I would say that at least (if not more considering we do not know the real % of scammed situations) 3 of the Sub Sahara region relationships are a farce.

Please, please, please, please, if you have any doubt slow down your process and reevaluate your situation. My friend who lives in America owns several Internet cafés in Nigeria. We used to laugh about how many men would profess their love to me after the second email. They are not cheap to be in for people who are not working. If your SO has a big family, doesn't work, spends time in the Internet café and dresses nice there is a problem with that situation. If you have questioned anything that has been said or done, you are in doubt.

If your last relationship in America or on line was with someone who ended up disappointing you and you did not grow and change drastically from the experience emotionally or spiritually chances are you are in the same situation. We can not blame the individual that is praying on you if you keep going out there and attracting them. I have been there, happily learned the errors of my ways. I let god into my life. This doesn't mean that god doesn't have more for me to learn, but I am ready.

If anyone moves forward despite your intuition speaking to your heart and soul, then at least if something goes wrong in the end one will be prepared.

I want everyone to walk this journey in faith. If you do not feel the faith, then you are not ready for this type of journey. Every person I met in Nigeria had jobs. One managed the bus's for the church my husband worked at. His wife worked for a photocopy business. My friends brother managed his INTERNET café. His mother did laundry despite the fact that she had an American son to take care of her. There was the videographer at our wedding and the photographer. This was a little girl outside the marriage ceremony selling candy. There was security at our hotel, cleaners, pool boy, waiters and buss boys. I seen boys walking the streets with drinks, phone cards, and other goods for sale. the seamstresses that made our wedding attire and a different one who made my son's beach outfits They are all doing what they need to do to make money. My friends 12 year old daughter did hair in her community to make money. God provides a way, if you want it.

I hate to hit submit, but I was not even thinking about this topic when I had the epiphany. I just came to me so i feel it is meant to be said. I post this out of compassion and concern for women who are compassionate, loving, helping and caring individuals who want to save the world. LOL That is me. Sometimes it is hard to think that someone would be so cruel after we have paid for them to come to America, sent them and their family money, but we have women here who it has happened to so be carefull.

when i met my husband online, it started as something i was doing to get rid of boredom, i never knew it would get serious, i did not have a job and had nothing else to do except to go to the cafe and chat with him for hours. and btw mrs jibowu there is huge unemployment in nigeria and not everybody is cut out to sell cards on the street. nigeria is not america, you will always see a way to get by, to eat, to dress well without having a job. but we are not lazy people.
i have talked to so many nigerian guys that met there spouse online and its a real big adjustment for them. most of them might come here for the green card but at the same time they want the marriage to work. the difficulty is the first one year of umemployment and adjusting to the new country. nigerian men are not really used to be kept by a woman. the wife will have to provide for them till they can get a job and gradually there fustration will start affecting the relationship. And if you stayed in nigeria, u will find out they are never alone, they always have there family around them. america is really a lonely place.
my first one year here was terrible. i nearly gave up but i am not a quitter so i struck it out but for guys it might be difficult so make it work.
got to go baby is crying

I'm sure there are some, the percentage I don't know but there has to be some.

Idocare:

I agree with many points of ur posts. We have a duty to our country to report any evidence of immigration fraud. We can't let it be known that we are willing to ignore when someone has broken the law. The reason all of us are going thru this hellish VJ is because others have come here and taken advantage of our country in the worst ways. If we don't report this stuff, we are contributing to it. I agree a large amount of internet relationships are fraud. And most of us are blind to it in the beginning. But the point that has to be made is...God willing we all find the love of our life, but if we find that these men are not what we thought them to be, then we absolutely must report them to immigration!

Its a crime! Its not just that we got duped, or used, or made a fool of! Its much deeper than that. We don't have to go off the deep end and get to plotting our revenge in evil ways...but reporting what happened to us, to immigration may help someone else later on. These men that do this may be involved in other illegal activites as well...and they must be identified. We are accessories to a crime if we have proof they came her fraudulently!

I mean no disrespect to any person from any country who comes here legally and legitimately, but for those who specifically seek out women for this reason need to be stopped. It cant be said that us american women stand for this.

I think we would all benefit much more if u (idocare) would tell us more of ur story. How things happened. What signs did u see. How did it transpire into what it was. How did u guys live. What could u have done differently. Etc. Instead of just posting random rants and raves about your ex scamming u. If u want to help us, tell ur story, and what u are doing about it...and try not to throw such a negative vibe into it. We all feel ur pain...and none of want to believe our man will hurt us in this way. But statistically we kno some of us will be victims as well.

Lets just support each other in the journey...whether good or bad, and be there to tell our stories so that we may learn from them. I hope anyone who has been thru this experience will feel comfortable enough to share. Its the reality of our world right now. Not talking about it isnt gonna make it go away.

On the other hand...many of us are basking in the glory of God and the love we have for our men...and do not want to dwell in the depths of doubt. But some of us may be in the same place as Idocare within a year...and to have heard her story may help us close ours.

The last point to be made is one thats been said over and over again. Give ur pain to God. Let him heal u thru his grace. Forgive those who have hurt u, and God shall cleanse your soul. This doesnt mean forget your pain...but learn from it. And when u do the right thing in Gods eyes, he will be the one who brings judgement to the evil.


Good Luck in your quest for peace. God Bless you

I never once said Nigerian as a culture or country were lazy people. I cannot even figure out how you derived that statement out of my posting. As a matter a fact, I stated that all my friends and people I met had JOBS. Then I went to point out that there are lots of different types of work one can do to contribute and support their family and themselves.

I can run around my town looking for a job stating that there are just no jobs out there while I drive by the McDonald sign stating that they are hiring. God has given us all gifts to contribute to our community and family. It might not be financial, you might be the seamstress of the family or the cook that bakes extra for trade or money.
If they are not cut out to sell items on the street then they find something that they are cut out for. Are they volunteering their time at churches and schools. God reward all that are fruitful with their time.






I am not talking about the legitimate situations of men and women falling in love. I am talking about specific people that are contacted out of the attempt to be manipulated and conned by someone trying to achieve the American dream. They are legitimate relationships on here from around the world. But I have come across 5 1/2 (i had another women contact me with another story since the last posting) women on here that can attest to the fact that their SO turned from night and day. That once the ink was dry they didn't care what their petitioner thought of them. There was not a hint of appreciation for all the money their petitioner spent for them to come here and sent to them while they waited for the process.



My husbands family do not live in visiting distances. But his parents are getting older so I am afraid he will not be able to see one of them again before they pass. I am happy to say he has a brother here in America. Although what I am concerned about is that he spends a lot of time with his church and other churches. Our church only has service once a week. We didn't even have a service for New Years. There is a great sense of community and Culture in Nigeria that can be reinvented or recreated with effort & time here in America.



America can be a cold and unwelcoming place unlike Nigeria. How long has your husband been here? How involved in your community and church are you and your SO? You should find a place to volunteer your time a few nights a week. That is a great way to meet people and build skills while you are in the U.S. Good luck. You have lots of support here on VJ

I had another thought. How come women on here think it is OK to date someone without a job from a third world country, but would never consider dating someone in America that doesn't have a job?

If you met a guy on line that says he peddled soda on the streets in Lagos? Or does it sound more glamorous to go with the fact that it is difficult to get a job in that country.

Yes it is difficult to get a job, but it can be done. there is a work shortage, but it can be done. You might not get a lot but it is some sort of income.
When I was staying at the hotel Sheraton at both Abuja and Lagos there were tons of jobs. There was a tennis table coach we got for our son. People who worked in the gym, restaurants, security, domestics, and front desk. All along the road there are stands of people selling things. There were guys in trucks doing contruction and on motor cycles carring people around. If your man was fruitful with his time he will be fruitful with his time in America. If he states he did nothing, because there were not any jobs he will feel the same way in America. I cannot say it enough...

NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO... THERE YOU ARE!

CIRCUMSTANCE DO NOT MAKE A MAN... THEY REVEAL HIM

Ouch, I should have said... "how come some women" I hate to generalize or be generalized. *wink

[quote name='chinelo' date='Jan 3 2008, 01:03 AM' post='1457605']
i did not have a job and had nothing else to do except to go to the cafe and chat with him for hours.
[quote/]

Can you please explain for me how you afford to be in the cafe for hours without a job? What did you do with your time when you were not in the cafe? What hobbies did you have?

I am asking these questions to understand how people can afford to be in the cafe when they do not have a job and family that might not be able to have necessities like hygiene products or their neighbor might not have food.

[quote name='chinelo' date='Jan 3 2008, 01:03 AM' post='1457605']

Nigeria is not America, you will always see a way to get by, to eat, to dress well without having a job. But we are not lazy people.
[quote/]

I understand the food part, because if one family member has food the whole family has food until there is now more. No one is left out because of rationing. Everyone eats or no one eats. What I would like to understand is how do you dress well without having a job? I just feel if your priority is to dress well despite the fact that you do not have a job, then your priorities are messed up.

I guess this is where my confusion comes into play regarding meeting men online chatting that have time to create my spaces and yahoo accounts & profiles, but cannot find a job. How come my brother in law has two jobs? My sister in law has a job along with her husband? Every friend I was introduced to in Lagos had jobs. They are not rich by any means, but they work.


I guess this comes down to determining someone’s character and priorities. I am going to say it again.



No matter where you go... There you are!



Circumstances do not make a man… they reveal him.

Nigeria is different than Sierra Leone.
Sierra Leone is the poorest country on earth by UN statistics.
The brutal war raged for 11 years and was only declared over a few years ago. Most of his family was killed.
The infra structure is almost non existent.
Electricity is on for a few hours a day and then out for days and in many towns there is none.

My fiance worked for 7 years as telecommunication operator for the UNHCR, surrounded by refugee camps.
Now that the war is over the UNHCR has closed their offices and he is unemployed.
There are no jobs. No, he is not in cafe's and no he does not spend money on fine close and eats once or twice a day if he is blessed to have food.
It takes me to dial 20-30 times to get through to crappy phone lines so we can talk for a few minutes before the lines crash again.

Yes, I will stand by him because he is without employment, of course I do.

Yes, but didn’t you say your husband visited hospitals with his pastor? His priority is not having nice clothing and chatting online. Omoba is your husband fruitful with his time?
You can be in the poorest world and still be fruitful.

I would be doing what ever it took to help my community by the means I had. I would be rebuilding or clearing up areas that were devestated. I wouldnt be dressed up online chatting with american people.

I think she has some good points that the OP should think about.

AMEN

Yes, he visits the hospital with his pastor and prays for people and helps out where he can.
94 more days and I hope this nightmare will be over.

you associate lagos with every part of the country which wont work because lagos is a commercial area where if you dont work, you starve. and ofcourse you also know that you are free to live with your parents until you get married though presently so many women are striving for independence. i lived in a small town in abia state where jobs are quite limited. but i was not totally idle, i was working with my dad until he passed away but the job i could do with my eyes closed so i still had a lot of time on my hands to go online. there are four ways you could get a good job in nigeria, sheer luck of been in the right place at the right time, been retained where you did your youth service, having connections in the right place and sleeping your way in. if your brother & sister in laws both have jobs ofcourse everyone of there friends would have jobs. did you see a job vacancy anywhere that was not filled. how many people did u see on the road selling recharge cards, (i think more than the people buying the cards) people want to work but there are no jobs. i see degree holders making $100 a month just so they can eat.i am going to assume you are not a nigerian or else you would not have asked me about my hobbies. as for circumstsnces not making a man, i suggest you try living in nigeria for one year before u CAN SAFELY MAKE THAT QUOTE.

i live in mississippi and they dont have a lot of africans here. my church activities is limited to sunday service. so i had no friends, finally God provided for me by giving me a son.my husband is anti-social, he told me that when we were chatting but i thought i could get him to hang out more but he is just not the type.
i came to the realization that we dont have much in common but i am here and i have to make the most of it.
there was a lot of adjustment for me, a whole lot but for him there was no adjustment he only made room for me in his bedroom. he still wanted to live like a bachelor so it took a lot of patience on both sides for us to start making the marriage to work. few more adjustments and i think we will be fine, but its not easy.my son finally brought peace for me. i tell myself if i was married to a nigeria guy in nigeria i would not run off just because things are not going my way.
but my story is nothing compared to others espeacially the nigerian guys married to americans.each marriage is different and the way u solve problems in ur marriage might not be used for same problem in another marriage, always put urself in the other spouses shoes and know how u will feel in a foreign country with no friends, no job, no company and no family. its hard and if you are not understanding can lead to a lot of problems. at one time our conversation will be like, {after everything i did for you, bringing you from nigeria to come and live here, do u know how much that cost. are you aware i spent up to $10,000 just for the process of bringing u here} and my reply will be [ if you keep throwing that at me that i better start making payments every month]

I am so sorry he says that to you, it should never bee thrown in some ones face. As petitioners we make the choice to process the paperwork; it should never be used as a statement of saving someone especially the person we married.

Again you should really talk to him about the hurtful statement, it could cause you to resent being with husband.

What part of Mississippi are you in? I traveled there for work last year. You are right that it is not the best place for people to get out and socialize. I wish you were in a place that was more populated with Africans. There usually tends to be a community based program or church that has a majority of Africans. Even in cold ars Maine.

Again, my post is directed at women here possibly are being targeted for the green card. There always is that fine line of adjustment and resentment for expenses. I would be having a totally different discussion if the SO was already here in America. I admire your commitment to your family.

You are in great hands on this website. Your opinion is appreciated and valued here.

GAUTIER MISSISSIPPI. its really a quite place with few africans but there are black americans. and the whites are more friendly than them. my husband is white and he does not have any friend so i had no one to talk to or someone to come for dinner in my house. it was lonely

I was in Hattiesberg MS. Is his family in he area? You need to get some pictures of that baby posted.

his family lives in mobile alabama, 45 minutes drive from here, we spent the holidays with them. and i have a picture of my baby on my profile. i dont know how to load it to show

The discussion seems to have veered from the original question and I'm late to chiime in, but here are my 2 cents. I am married to a Ghanaian man and we have been married for just over two years now. We have an 8 month old son and are very happily married. We've had arguments but they are typical married couple things to argue about, nothing big.

Successful marriages do exist between Americans and Nigerians/Ghanaians, etc.

Here's my honest opinion that may get rocks thrown at me: If you start a relationship with someone online and continue it online you are missing half of what the relationship would be in person. It is hard to judge a person when you can't see their eyes and body language. To me, if you have been talking to someone online for two years and been in person with them for only two weeks, then your total quality time with them is a lot less than those two years. I would guess that the statistics for these relationships working are similar to the statistics of relationships where people have known eachother for a few months before they get married. It is VERY possible that they will work, but there are a lot more issues to work out during the marriage that others have worked out before the marriage.

Your pictures do look like both you and your SO are sincere and genuine. I think you have a superb chance of things working out. Don't let the failures of others discourage you from even trying. Let their experiences advise you, and then go with your gut. If you trust him and he has given you no reason to doubt him, then go into the relationship with everything that you have.

I wish you the best.

Hey Kanyiri!
No rocks thrown from here. I APPROVE that message!!!! Is Re, Jr. going to be heading off to college before we can see a picture?