Hello All,
I guess its now my turn to get feedback on something I heard today. Its about my EX. I have always had mixed emotions about his true intentions and our marriage. I have gone back and forth about did he really love me and it just went bad or did he do it all for the mighty green card. Well he is currently in Nigeria. I was chatting with my maid of honor for my wedding and I was saying to her that I wished I could be a fly on the wall to hear what he is telling his family about me. He was scared to tell them that we broke up so I did, so he lied and told them that I put him out and that I was the one who wanted a divorce because I was cheating. Anyway, She said that she had heard that he awas saying only good things about me. then she said he gave this reason and I quote, "he didnt wanna be hooked to anybody's string. he wanted to be his own man and do his own things his own way,". So how am I supposed to process this? To me that is saying, I got my green card so now I needed my freedom. Oh, here is the first part of what she had heard from her brother and parents. "Was told he said, he did waht he did for his freedom." I told her If he were a smart and sincere man he would have weighed all of that before he committed to a marriage. He knew that Americans don't shun divorce as much as Nigerians so if he didn't like his situation he could easily get out of it. Otherwise why lie to your family about it? Anyway what do you think?
Full Version: What Do You Think
Besangin
I am not sure what to think.....it is sad though that he could not be honest w/ his family and it is alittle messed up that he would make such a bold statement "he didn't want to be hooked to anyone's strings" ..if he felt that way, then why would he want to get married?
I am just happy that you are no longer in that situation, you deserve to be happy and have someone who treat you w/ respect and shower you with love. I know that when you invest alot into someone that it is hard to put it behind you, but only God will know your EX's true intentions.
I am not sure what to think.....it is sad though that he could not be honest w/ his family and it is alittle messed up that he would make such a bold statement "he didn't want to be hooked to anyone's strings" ..if he felt that way, then why would he want to get married?
I am just happy that you are no longer in that situation, you deserve to be happy and have someone who treat you w/ respect and shower you with love. I know that when you invest alot into someone that it is hard to put it behind you, but only God will know your EX's true intentions.
I am not quite sure if I am reading this correctly.
He didn't want to be hooked to a string, be his own man, do things his own way can mean several different things. He felt confined ? He didn't want the marriage ? Talking about his freedom.......freedom from what ? Not enough info here on your background to really give feedback on just one line or two. Without hearing the whole story I don't think anyone can give any constructive input.
Hearing things through someone else is always unreliable.
Unless you hear things straight out of his own mouth ...... one never knows the real reason and I try to never assume anything.
Perhaps one day you both can talk about what really happened.
He didn't want to be hooked to a string, be his own man, do things his own way can mean several different things. He felt confined ? He didn't want the marriage ? Talking about his freedom.......freedom from what ? Not enough info here on your background to really give feedback on just one line or two. Without hearing the whole story I don't think anyone can give any constructive input.
Hearing things through someone else is always unreliable.
Unless you hear things straight out of his own mouth ...... one never knows the real reason and I try to never assume anything.
Perhaps one day you both can talk about what really happened.
It did hurt when they turned their backs on me knowing how much I sacrificed for him. Then I got angry because I asked myself, Why do they think I am that stupid enough totake on the expense of flying my big A$$ all the way there to marry a PISS POOR A$$ man to bring him back here to cheat on him, when I could have stayed on my own continent and found a PISS POOR man to cheat on for FREE!!!!!!?????? But the people who really knew the kind of woman I am were there with me as I sorted all that drama out.
He probably is saying just about anything to his family to avoid shame and to " save face ".
That is wrong of course but given the pressure from family and friends and having had to return ........well he is ashamed and saving face I would say.
That is wrong of course but given the pressure from family and friends and having had to return ........well he is ashamed and saving face I would say.
Do something nice for yourself, get a pedicure or a massage and be kind to yourself. 
Sometimes we think we have worked through something and wham one phone call brings it all back and here we go analyzing, trying to get answers
to questions we may never know.
Sometimes we think we have worked through something and wham one phone call brings it all back and here we go analyzing, trying to get answers
to questions we may never know.
They are defiantly mixed signals. People do desperate things in desperate situations. I am sure he enjoyed the relationship you had together, because you are a wonderful person; as are most people who go through this process with good intentions. It takes a lot of patience, compassion, love, and dedication to endure the financial strain with risk.
We all consider pros and cons to a relationship when we consider a person as a life long partner. Can you look back at your times together and say that they were fake or did he pretend to be someone he was not? Did you laugh together? Learn & grow? Those are things that are important in a relationship whether you are friends or married. They tend to not work out when one person keeps growing and the other person stay in place. Then we have to make the choice to move on.
I am glad that he is passing on good things about you.
We all consider pros and cons to a relationship when we consider a person as a life long partner. Can you look back at your times together and say that they were fake or did he pretend to be someone he was not? Did you laugh together? Learn & grow? Those are things that are important in a relationship whether you are friends or married. They tend to not work out when one person keeps growing and the other person stay in place. Then we have to make the choice to move on.
I am glad that he is passing on good things about you.
Omoba did you forget that he has a PHd in lying? telling the truth to him is like a vampire's fear of standing out in the sun. His A$$ will burn up!!!!! I already have my answers, I just want to see what others would read into it. I just always try to look for good in the heart of all. I have a hard time believing that people are capable of some of the things that they do, and I still try to hold out that he was not capable of such, but his actions say otherwise. So I am not looking to prove that I am telling the truth ot htat there is another side to consider. I know what I lived through for nearly 4 years so what I say and how I have been honest about my situation should speak volumes for my side of the story. Anyway good luck trying to get any kind of truth out of him anyway about his actions.
You asked in your first post how you are supposed to process that and wanted input from others, based on what you heard.
In your last post you said you are not looking for proof that there is another side to consider. This confuses me as to what you are looking for
and if you have or have not processed and concluded it.
I do not know about him and no, I didn't know he is a habitual lier.
I am not able to give anymore input, I don't want to give input on one sentence you heard through the grapevine and don't know your story.
I just hope you will heal soon from the wounds he has caused and find happiness.
In your last post you said you are not looking for proof that there is another side to consider. This confuses me as to what you are looking for
and if you have or have not processed and concluded it.
I do not know about him and no, I didn't know he is a habitual lier.
I am not able to give anymore input, I don't want to give input on one sentence you heard through the grapevine and don't know your story.
I just hope you will heal soon from the wounds he has caused and find happiness.
Salutations to all (esp. B-sangin)
I don't know anything about your "story" or its "characters" but the only thing I can tell you is this, "Tell your story, it has happened and you have moved on from it." Your "testimony" might be some one elses "light on a dark and confusing trail." Regardless of how the "cut goes and comes" you know you, and attempted to share that with some one who was "possibly underserving or too immature to appreciate the fact that underpressure, coal turns to a diamond!"
It is his loss, not yours.
And for the record, "his people" knows exactly how he is, they knew him before you even came into his life. So he can paint himself with bold colours to them if he wants to, they know that he is truly a "pastel pink" on the inside.
P.S. are you sure we aint cut from the same cloth?
"do they think I am that stupid enough to take on the expense of flying my big A$$ all the way there to marry a PISS POOR A$$ man to bring him back here to cheat on him, when I could have stayed on my own continent and found a PISS POOR man to cheat on for FREE!!!!!!??????"
That is the exact same thing I had to tell some one not even 2 weeks ago...word for freakin' word!
Well, Damn!!!
I don't know anything about your "story" or its "characters" but the only thing I can tell you is this, "Tell your story, it has happened and you have moved on from it." Your "testimony" might be some one elses "light on a dark and confusing trail." Regardless of how the "cut goes and comes" you know you, and attempted to share that with some one who was "possibly underserving or too immature to appreciate the fact that underpressure, coal turns to a diamond!"
It is his loss, not yours.
And for the record, "his people" knows exactly how he is, they knew him before you even came into his life. So he can paint himself with bold colours to them if he wants to, they know that he is truly a "pastel pink" on the inside.
P.S. are you sure we aint cut from the same cloth?
"do they think I am that stupid enough to take on the expense of flying my big A$$ all the way there to marry a PISS POOR A$$ man to bring him back here to cheat on him, when I could have stayed on my own continent and found a PISS POOR man to cheat on for FREE!!!!!!??????"
That is the exact same thing I had to tell some one not even 2 weeks ago...word for freakin' word!
Well, Damn!!!
Let me make the question a little less confusing. If you read the words, what would be the first thing you would think or would come to your mind? If you don't have enough info to go on then don't feel compelled to answer. There is no jackpot up for grabs for the best answer.
QUOTE(BESANGIN @ Dec 27 2007, 01:56 PM) 
Let me make the question a little less confusing. If you read the words, what would be the first thing you would think or would come to your mind? If you don't have enough info to go on then don't feel compelled to answer. There is no jackpot up for grabs for the best answer.
lol, I like your sense of humor.
For what it is worth, I don't generally see 'green card' in his responses. Those things he said could have been said by any person who did not find that the institution of marriage agreed with them.
On the other hand, there is a green card involved, so there is a shade of grey.
I guess what I am trying to say is that it could go either way, no way of knowing - short of him actually coming out and saying - hey I used you for a green card.
[quote name='unononehigher' date='Dec 27 2007, 02:55 PM' post='1446518']
Salutations to all (esp. B-sangin)
I don't know anything about your "story" or its "characters" but the only thing I can tell you is this, "Tell your story, it has happened and you have moved on from it." Your "testimony" might be some one elses "light on a dark and confusing trail." Regardless of how the "cut goes and comes" you know you, and attempted to share that with some one who was "possibly underserving or too immature to appreciate the fact that underpressure, coal turns to a diamond!"
It is his loss, not yours.
And for the record, "his people" knows exactly how he is, they knew him before you even came into his life. So he can paint himself with bold colours to them if he wants to, they know that he is truly a "pastel pink" on the inside.
P.S. are you sure we aint cut from the same cloth?
"do they think I am that stupid enough to take on the expense of flying my big A$$ all the way there to marry a PISS POOR A$$ man to bring him back here to cheat on him, when I could have stayed on my own continent and found a PISS POOR man to cheat on for FREE!!!!!!??????"
That is the exact same thing I had to tell some one not even 2 weeks ago...word for freakin' word!
Well, Damn!!!
Girl I think we are!!!! But I think my biggest problem that I still struggle with from time to time is the continued deceit. I feel like why do you have to keep lying when we already over and done. I need to quit being nice and giving him the benefit of the doubt and cut him totally out of my life. I dont need nothing with him 'cept he needs to keep sending them checks.
Salutations to all (esp. B-sangin)
I don't know anything about your "story" or its "characters" but the only thing I can tell you is this, "Tell your story, it has happened and you have moved on from it." Your "testimony" might be some one elses "light on a dark and confusing trail." Regardless of how the "cut goes and comes" you know you, and attempted to share that with some one who was "possibly underserving or too immature to appreciate the fact that underpressure, coal turns to a diamond!"
It is his loss, not yours.
And for the record, "his people" knows exactly how he is, they knew him before you even came into his life. So he can paint himself with bold colours to them if he wants to, they know that he is truly a "pastel pink" on the inside.
P.S. are you sure we aint cut from the same cloth?
"do they think I am that stupid enough to take on the expense of flying my big A$$ all the way there to marry a PISS POOR A$$ man to bring him back here to cheat on him, when I could have stayed on my own continent and found a PISS POOR man to cheat on for FREE!!!!!!??????"
That is the exact same thing I had to tell some one not even 2 weeks ago...word for freakin' word!
Well, Damn!!!
Girl I think we are!!!! But I think my biggest problem that I still struggle with from time to time is the continued deceit. I feel like why do you have to keep lying when we already over and done. I need to quit being nice and giving him the benefit of the doubt and cut him totally out of my life. I dont need nothing with him 'cept he needs to keep sending them checks.
I dont know how evil he can be but I would think he had affection for you so maybe it was a little of both. Green card and you ( based on what I see about you, he had to have affection for you). Once he was here and comfortable and his world was bigger and better it got to his head. But I think as someone mentioned before that his family and friends know him there and he is trying to save face. Like he was so stupid for messing up a good thing. He had to make you the bad guy and have you do an unexcusable thing in order for his losing everything to be justified and reasonable and for him to seen as a righteous man instead of a failure with no self control or morals.. He had it good but now he is back where he started, it must be a humiliation for him. But those that know him all his life have their doubts. Anyways that is what I see, but I only had 2 hours sleep last night so......maybe I even read it wrong or wrote it wrong. But you have triumphed, sister. You got enough material for a book that will probably net you some cash, notariaty and feeling of accomplishment and satisfication for helping others see the light or at least to know what they are getting into. Ill buy it for sure.
Woot, Damn Woot, Efia. Girl you hit that shiot dead on the nail. 
Yes you did!!!! I don't see him as evil and my conclusion also was that it was a bit of both. I try to at least be cordial with him because it all wasn't bad, but when he get's to lyin' and carryin' on I got to kick him to the curb. I can't deal with people who just lie because they have nothing else to say. I did love the man and in some ways I have a love for him because we have a past, but mostly now I pity him like you would pity a disobedient child. That keeps me at least talking to him. Efia06, The little that I have revealed in my posts is nothing compared to what you will read in my book, so on that you better believe sister girl is going to bring it. OH and for all that I told about the Ghana man who had me melting like wax, I can't have him. His sexy A$$ is MARRIED!!!!!! I should have known!!!!!! DAMN!!! 
QUOTE(BESANGIN @ Dec 27 2007, 03:08 PM)
Yes you did!!!! I don't see him as evil and my conclusion also was that it was a bit of both. I try to at least be cordial with him because it all wasn't bad, but when he get's to lyin' and carryin' on I got to kick him to the curb. I can't deal with people who just lie because they have nothing else to say. I did love the man and in some ways I have a love for him because we have a past, but mostly now I pity him like you would pity a disobedient child. That keeps me at least talking to him. Efia06, The little that I have revealed in my posts is nothing compared to what you will read in my book, so on that you better believe sister girl is going to bring it. OH and for all that I told about the Ghana man who had me melting like wax, I can't have him. His sexy A$$ is MARRIED!!!!!! I should have known!!!!!! DAMN!!!
Good, Im glad I made some sense
I look forward to the book.
QUOTE(Efia06 @ Dec 27 2007, 05:35 PM)
I dont know how evil he can be but I would think he had affection for you so maybe it was a little of both. Green card and you ( based on what I see about you, he had to have affection for you). Once he was here and comfortable and his world was bigger and better it got to his head. But I think as someone mentioned before that his family and friends know him there and he is trying to save face. Like he was so stupid for messing up a good thing. He had to make you the bad guy and have you do an unexcusable thing in order for his losing everything to be justified and reasonable and for him to seen as a righteous man instead of a failure with no self control or morals.. He had it good but now he is back where he started, it must be a humiliation for him. But those that know him all his life have their doubts. Anyways that is what I see, but I only had 2 hours sleep last night so......maybe I even read it wrong or wrote it wrong. But you have triumphed, sister. You got enough material for a book that will probably net you some cash, notariaty and feeling of accomplishment and satisfication for helping others see the light or at least to know what they are getting into. Ill buy it for sure.
and this too shall pass. Only God can heal your heart and remove the hurt done to you. That knuckle head knows and will have to deal with himself. Sometimes we have to remove or let go of the things/people who may be associated with our past hurts. Do not be reluctant to tell others I want to move beyond that situation so I just do not care to discuss him. Those that love and care for Bsangin will accept and understand that. Be careful with your heart keep it guarded so that you will not miss who God has for you. I know you have heard all of this so I will not go on.
I pray Gods continued Blessings in your life. Continue to progress and grow. You Go Girl!!! We are strong and resilient people. Powerful Women
I pray Gods continued Blessings in your life. Continue to progress and grow. You Go Girl!!! We are strong and resilient people. Powerful Women
QUOTE(BESANGIN @ Dec 27 2007, 04:56 PM)
Let me make the question a little less confusing. If you read the words, what would be the first thing you would think or would come to your mind? If you don't have enough info to go on then don't feel compelled to answer. There is no jackpot up for grabs for the best answer.
Reconsider the jackpot won't ya
Keepin it real.....
If u dont wanna hear the answer, dont ask the question.
If u dont wanna hear the answer, dont ask the question.
QUOTE(unononehigher @ Dec 27 2007, 12:55 PM)
And for the record, "his people" knows exactly how he is, they knew him before you even came into his life. So he can paint himself with bold colours to them if he wants to, they know that he is truly a "pastel pink" on the inside.
I agree with the above response. He is trying to save face and had to come up with an excuse for not being married. What makes me think this is that he wasn't even creative in his reasoning for the divorce. He chose and answer that he felt his family would accept and relate to. He stuffed the square peg in the round hole and I am sure they can see the splinters flying. Heck who knows, maybe some chick will use him while he's there. He now wears the scent of American dollars, and that makes him ripe for the pickins.
(nany-nany boo-boo to him)
Kept it real.......
Answer all you like on the question, but I didn't ask for a psychological analysis of myself. I have a highly qualified therapist that helps me do me just fine, thank you. Not recruiting for a new one. Just want to know what others unrelated to the issue would read into those two tiny lines, and they have done that for the most part.
Omoba you know we cool girl! Still ain't gettin' no jackpot, but we cool. Please don't stop commenting because your posts help me to remember that initial feeling of unconditional love that I felt in the beginning when it was untainted by trickery and deception. I do appreciate that perspective and it also reminds me to not be totally unbending if I want to have that again so thanks for that. I still got my 8 spider eyes, but I'll leave a few closed from time to time. See, I get goodies from people's posts too!
So now let me throw one of Chispas monkey wrenches in this. Well really just asking another "what would you" question. Several months back, my Ex asked if he could have his wedding band back. At the time he had been lying and trying to fight things in the divorce decree. I knew that he was going home around Christmas time so this is where my mind went. Either he wants to go pawn it because he was broke or he wanted to have it when he went home to make his family think that we were still married. Because he didn't want to help pay the bill that bought it, I told him NO! If the ring was going to get pawned it was going to get pawned by ME to pay off the debt. He didn't want back the mood band he gave me that mostly kept my finger in GREEN mode..................... What would you have done? Kept it or gave it, and why?
QUOTE(BESANGIN @ Dec 27 2007, 01:49 PM)
Hello All,
I guess its now my turn to get feedback on something I heard today. Its about my EX. I have always had mixed emotions about his true intentions and our marriage. I have gone back and forth about did he really love me and it just went bad or did he do it all for the mighty green card. Well he is currently in Nigeria. I was chatting with my maid of honor for my wedding and I was saying to her that I wished I could be a fly on the wall to hear what he is telling his family about me. He was scared to tell them that we broke up so I did, so he lied and told them that I put him out and that I was the one who wanted a divorce because I was cheating. Anyway, She said that she had heard that he awas saying only good things about me. then she said he gave this reason and I quote, "he didnt wanna be hooked to anybody's string. he wanted to be his own man and do his own things his own way,". So how am I supposed to process this? To me that is saying, I got my green card so now I needed my freedom. Oh, here is the first part of what she had heard from her brother and parents. "Was told he said, he did waht he did for his freedom." I told her If he were a smart and sincere man he would have weighed all of that before he committed to a marriage. He knew that Americans don't shun divorce as much as Nigerians so if he didn't like his situation he could easily get out of it. Otherwise why lie to your family about it? Anyway what do you think?
I guess its now my turn to get feedback on something I heard today. Its about my EX. I have always had mixed emotions about his true intentions and our marriage. I have gone back and forth about did he really love me and it just went bad or did he do it all for the mighty green card. Well he is currently in Nigeria. I was chatting with my maid of honor for my wedding and I was saying to her that I wished I could be a fly on the wall to hear what he is telling his family about me. He was scared to tell them that we broke up so I did, so he lied and told them that I put him out and that I was the one who wanted a divorce because I was cheating. Anyway, She said that she had heard that he awas saying only good things about me. then she said he gave this reason and I quote, "he didnt wanna be hooked to anybody's string. he wanted to be his own man and do his own things his own way,". So how am I supposed to process this? To me that is saying, I got my green card so now I needed my freedom. Oh, here is the first part of what she had heard from her brother and parents. "Was told he said, he did waht he did for his freedom." I told her If he were a smart and sincere man he would have weighed all of that before he committed to a marriage. He knew that Americans don't shun divorce as much as Nigerians so if he didn't like his situation he could easily get out of it. Otherwise why lie to your family about it? Anyway what do you think?
Here is my $0.02.
Maybe the fact that he did not tell his family about your divorce and that he is only saying good things about you may have to do with the way his family would react if he told them that he was the cause of it all. I don't know what your relationship was with his family but either way, he does not want to trash you in front of them, at the same time, he does not have the courage to stand up and say "I made a mistake".
And all the talk about wanting his freedom yada yada is an excuse. I think it is the way he justifies his actions so that he can live with himself.
QUOTE(BESANGIN @ Dec 28 2007, 06:07 AM)
So now let me throw one of Chispas monkey wrenches in this. Well really just asking another "what would you" question. Several months back, my Ex asked if he could have his wedding band back. At the time he had been lying and trying to fight things in the divorce decree. I knew that he was going home around Christmas time so this is where my mind went. Either he wants to go pawn it because he was broke or he wanted to have it when he went home to make his family think that we were still married. Because he didn't want to help pay the bill that bought it, I told him NO! If the ring was going to get pawned it was going to get pawned by ME to pay off the debt. He didn't want back the mood band he gave me that mostly kept my finger in GREEN mode..................... What would you have done? Kept it or gave it, and why?
I would keep it to help pay that bill you have. Why should he get it free and clear?
QUOTE(BESANGIN @ Dec 28 2007, 06:07 AM)
So now let me throw one of Chispas monkey wrenches in this. Well really just asking another "what would you" question. Several months back, my Ex asked if he could have his wedding band back. At the time he had been lying and trying to fight things in the divorce decree. I knew that he was going home around Christmas time so this is where my mind went. Either he wants to go pawn it because he was broke or he wanted to have it when he went home to make his family think that we were still married. Because he didn't want to help pay the bill that bought it, I told him NO! If the ring was going to get pawned it was going to get pawned by ME to pay off the debt. He didn't want back the mood band he gave me that mostly kept my finger in GREEN mode..................... What would you have done? Kept it or gave it, and why?
Keep it! Why? YOU paid for it.
If you have it, it's yours. He should've asked for it in the divorce if it was important to him. I told my ex that. I don't want him to keep coming back to me asking me for things. So, I cut the strings.
Bensa.....
If he wanted the ring to "pretend" he was still married, he could have gone to Zales and bought one for little or nothing. I am sure they have some for $29 on sale. So this leads me to think that he saw it as a financial gain in some way.
On another note, just wanted to let my fellow VJers know that my cursor jumps around my laptop screen when I type causing my messages to appear "funky" at times. Dell comes out today to change my motherboard so we'll see if this helps. Sorry for the illegible posts sometimes.
If he wanted the ring to "pretend" he was still married, he could have gone to Zales and bought one for little or nothing. I am sure they have some for $29 on sale. So this leads me to think that he saw it as a financial gain in some way.
On another note, just wanted to let my fellow VJers know that my cursor jumps around my laptop screen when I type causing my messages to appear "funky" at times. Dell comes out today to change my motherboard so we'll see if this helps. Sorry for the illegible posts sometimes.
Well, guys arent really sentimental and its during the time when he was not in the state of mind to be able to reflect and lament over his mistakes. So there was an ulterior motive. So it sounds like it was for the reasons that you originally thought. Maybe telling his family he is still trying to "forgive" you for what you have done and hopefully work it out. Probably didnt want to hear lectures and rumors flying. Also without the ring its as if he was stripped of his dignity and came back home naked.
Well Besagin all I can say is as hard as it is just let it go. Don't harbor any ill feelings towards him or his family. Blood is thicker than water and not worth your fight at this point. Ask God to forgive them and bless you as well. If you continue to let it bother you it will just cause you stress and illness...trust me this is coming from a medical professional. Go have some fun and occupy your mind in better ways. Time heals all wounds.
Take care
Take care
QUOTE(BESANGIN @ Dec 28 2007, 06:43 AM)
Kept it real.......
Answer all you like on the question, but I didn't ask for a psychological analysis of myself. I have a highly qualified therapist that helps me do me just fine, thank you. Not recruiting for a new one. Just want to know what others unrelated to the issue would read into those two tiny lines, and they have done that for the most part.
Omoba you know we cool girl! Still ain't gettin' no jackpot, but we cool. Please don't stop commenting because your posts help me to remember that initial feeling of unconditional love that I felt in the beginning when it was untainted by trickery and deception. I do appreciate that perspective and it also reminds me to not be totally unbending if I want to have that again so thanks for that. I still got my 8 spider eyes, but I'll leave a few closed from time to time. See, I get goodies from people's posts too!
Answer all you like on the question, but I didn't ask for a psychological analysis of myself. I have a highly qualified therapist that helps me do me just fine, thank you. Not recruiting for a new one. Just want to know what others unrelated to the issue would read into those two tiny lines, and they have done that for the most part.
Omoba you know we cool girl! Still ain't gettin' no jackpot, but we cool. Please don't stop commenting because your posts help me to remember that initial feeling of unconditional love that I felt in the beginning when it was untainted by trickery and deception. I do appreciate that perspective and it also reminds me to not be totally unbending if I want to have that again so thanks for that. I still got my 8 spider eyes, but I'll leave a few closed from time to time. See, I get goodies from people's posts too!
First no jackpot and now you won't lay on my couch when I have all those Christmas bills to pay off .....yuh no easy at all ......I was going to
give you the VJ discount too
Yeah we cool !
Remember, I am a seasoned veteran in relationships and have a past 24 year marriage under my belt.
So my unconditional love is not always as unconditional as I would like it to be from past hicups.....no shall I say past holding my breath and turning red with furry ......so when I am posting about trust and forgiveness it comes from deep within after being in God's boot camp called CHANGE.
I have been through hell ....and back.....several times. I was a bitter old hag full of revenge until one day I decided to walk in love , not being naive but
making a conscious choice by God's power to change my outlook.
There is a real story behind my posts and not just fluff and vulnerability, puppy dogs and rainbows.
Keeping it real in my own way to encourage
QUOTE(Omoba @ Dec 28 2007, 08:05 PM)
There is a real story behind my posts and not just fluff and vulnerability, puppy dogs and rainbows.
Keeping it real in my own way to encourage
Keeping it real in my own way to encourage
Whew! Thank goodness ..... you were starting to make me a little concern.
QUOTE(Omoba @ Dec 28 2007, 07:05 PM)
QUOTE(BESANGIN @ Dec 28 2007, 06:43 AM)
Kept it real.......
Answer all you like on the question, but I didn't ask for a psychological analysis of myself. I have a highly qualified therapist that helps me do me just fine, thank you. Not recruiting for a new one. Just want to know what others unrelated to the issue would read into those two tiny lines, and they have done that for the most part.
Omoba you know we cool girl! Still ain't gettin' no jackpot, but we cool. Please don't stop commenting because your posts help me to remember that initial feeling of unconditional love that I felt in the beginning when it was untainted by trickery and deception. I do appreciate that perspective and it also reminds me to not be totally unbending if I want to have that again so thanks for that. I still got my 8 spider eyes, but I'll leave a few closed from time to time. See, I get goodies from people's posts too!
Answer all you like on the question, but I didn't ask for a psychological analysis of myself. I have a highly qualified therapist that helps me do me just fine, thank you. Not recruiting for a new one. Just want to know what others unrelated to the issue would read into those two tiny lines, and they have done that for the most part.
Omoba you know we cool girl! Still ain't gettin' no jackpot, but we cool. Please don't stop commenting because your posts help me to remember that initial feeling of unconditional love that I felt in the beginning when it was untainted by trickery and deception. I do appreciate that perspective and it also reminds me to not be totally unbending if I want to have that again so thanks for that. I still got my 8 spider eyes, but I'll leave a few closed from time to time. See, I get goodies from people's posts too!
First no jackpot and now you won't lay on my couch when I have all those Christmas bills to pay off .....yuh no easy at all ......I was going to
give you the VJ discount too
Yeah we cool !
Remember, I am a seasoned veteran in relationships and have a past 24 year marriage under my belt.
So my unconditional love is not always as unconditional as I would like it to be from past hicups.....no shall I say past holding my breath and turning red with furry ......so when I am posting about trust and forgiveness it comes from deep within after being in God's boot camp called CHANGE.
I have been through hell ....and back.....several times. I was a bitter old hag full of revenge until one day I decided to walk in love , not being naive but
making a conscious choice by God's power to change my outlook.
There is a real story behind my posts and not just fluff and vulnerability, puppy dogs and rainbows.
Keeping it real in my own way to encourage
RIGHT ON SISTER!!!!!!! Mine wasn't 24 years but it sure as hell felt like it!!!!! SO maybe I was married in dog years!!!!
It was a marriage to a USC that I was talking about.
Also had a relationship with a Nigerian, a good and decent guy, we just didn't work out for other reasons.
Really Boaz ? You thought I was a fluffy kind of case with my head buried in the sand ?
Ok guys just next time you read me remember my past
* runs back to spread cheer *
Also had a relationship with a Nigerian, a good and decent guy, we just didn't work out for other reasons.
Really Boaz ? You thought I was a fluffy kind of case with my head buried in the sand ?
Ok guys just next time you read me remember my past
* runs back to spread cheer *
Besanging.......those dog years can creep up on ya .....one feels like seven 
and you look back and ask yourself how was I able to stay
in this thing for sooooooooo long ?
The best is yet to come !
and you look back and ask yourself how was I able to stayin this thing for sooooooooo long ?
The best is yet to come !
QUOTE(Omoba @ Dec 28 2007, 09:26 PM)
It was a marriage to a USC that I was talking about.
Also had a relationship with a Nigerian, a good and decent guy, we just didn't work out for other reasons.
Really Boaz ? You thought I was a fluffy kind of case with my head buried in the sand ?
Ok guys just next time you read me remember my past
* runs back to spread cheer *
Also had a relationship with a Nigerian, a good and decent guy, we just didn't work out for other reasons.
Really Boaz ? You thought I was a fluffy kind of case with my head buried in the sand ?
Ok guys just next time you read me remember my past
* runs back to spread cheer *
OK. I will remember.
QUOTE(BESANGIN @ Dec 27 2007, 12:49 PM)
Hello All,
I guess its now my turn to get feedback on something I heard today. Its about my EX. I have always had mixed emotions about his true intentions and our marriage. I have gone back and forth about did he really love me and it just went bad or did he do it all for the mighty green card. Well he is currently in Nigeria. I was chatting with my maid of honor for my wedding and I was saying to her that I wished I could be a fly on the wall to hear what he is telling his family about me. He was scared to tell them that we broke up so I did, so he lied and told them that I put him out and that I was the one who wanted a divorce because I was cheating. Anyway, She said that she had heard that he awas saying only good things about me. then she said he gave this reason and I quote, "he didnt wanna be hooked to anybody's string. he wanted to be his own man and do his own things his own way,". So how am I supposed to process this? To me that is saying, I got my green card so now I needed my freedom. Oh, here is the first part of what she had heard from her brother and parents. "Was told he said, he did waht he did for his freedom." I told her If he were a smart and sincere man he would have weighed all of that before he committed to a marriage. He knew that Americans don't shun divorce as much as Nigerians so if he didn't like his situation he could easily get out of it. Otherwise why lie to your family about it? Anyway what do you think?
I guess its now my turn to get feedback on something I heard today. Its about my EX. I have always had mixed emotions about his true intentions and our marriage. I have gone back and forth about did he really love me and it just went bad or did he do it all for the mighty green card. Well he is currently in Nigeria. I was chatting with my maid of honor for my wedding and I was saying to her that I wished I could be a fly on the wall to hear what he is telling his family about me. He was scared to tell them that we broke up so I did, so he lied and told them that I put him out and that I was the one who wanted a divorce because I was cheating. Anyway, She said that she had heard that he awas saying only good things about me. then she said he gave this reason and I quote, "he didnt wanna be hooked to anybody's string. he wanted to be his own man and do his own things his own way,". So how am I supposed to process this? To me that is saying, I got my green card so now I needed my freedom. Oh, here is the first part of what she had heard from her brother and parents. "Was told he said, he did waht he did for his freedom." I told her If he were a smart and sincere man he would have weighed all of that before he committed to a marriage. He knew that Americans don't shun divorce as much as Nigerians so if he didn't like his situation he could easily get out of it. Otherwise why lie to your family about it? Anyway what do you think?
I have a friend who is married to this Jamaican guy. Same kind of thing, they were married 6 years before it all fell apart. He ended up cheating on her. One day, she found the evidence she was looking for and kicked him out. Long, drawn out story....short.....he wouldn't tell any family or friends what really happened. He told them all she went crazy and just kicked him out for no reason. It's been almost a year of living seperately,and to this day, the only information with any truth to it has been told by my friend.
Some men just can't take the responsibility on themselves, so they lie to everyone around them. Eventually, they talk themselves into believing those lies. Whatever helps them get through it, I guess.
Besangin:
I am glad that many who have responded to your post will not be judges in a real criminal court(knock on wood).I say so because innocent souls would hang on mere assumptions.Our ancestors,those wise sages,have an ancient proverb that, “the mind is like a bag,and every person carries their own.”You can only know the contents of my "bag" if I choose to show you.Based on this ancient counsel,I am inclined to agree with Omoba’s initial response to your post.Besangin,there is very limited information you provided to attempt an objective analysis.Hence,any responses that claim to explain your ex husband’s heart based on your post will be patently flawed.Only your ex husband can truly tell what his true original and current intensions/feelings are.
Now,the popular theme in most of the responses thus far is that your ex husband is lying to save face among family and friends,in Nigeria.To be sure,we Nigerians and Africans in general abhor divorce.But there is a fine print that follows,one which those not conversant with the various traditions miss.The beauty of many a Nigerian cultural worldview is that there can never be finality to anything.Not even death!We scorn divorce,yes,but we also say that it is better for a man or woman to get out of a perilous marriage than to die in it.That is why you hardly hear of a spouse killing their partner in Nigeria.If it becomes most intolerable,people do leave marriages,and families do offer succor to their own.
I do not feel comfortable revealing this,but if it will help even one decent soul out there safeguard their marriage and happiness,then it is worthwile.When you hear the truth that Nigerian cultures hold divorcees in contempt,please know that this for the most part applies to couples whose union has been solemnized under a mutually shared cultural philosophy of marriage.For example,in my neck of the woods Nigeria,a marriage takes place only after very exhaustive traditional marriage processes,from the initial declaration of interest;traditional family background checks(formal or informal:whose daughter or son is your spouse? Is there a history of stealing and or crimes in the family?Are they hardworking,or more inclined to doing jail terms for crimes?Serioulsy,no kindred wants in-laws who are bad news);to the very important and solemn negotiation of the dowry which culminates in the traditional marriage ceremony,as witnessed by one’s village elders,kinsmen,age grade,and yes,the ancestors through libation.You see,the traditional marriage process is a family’s way of saying, “we drink to this sacred union because we find our child to be worthy of our family name.”It is a marriage consummated through this most rigorous and complex process that earns the scorn of family and friends in the event of a frivolous divorce.Other than that,no one really gives a hoot wether the marriage starts,or ends. On this basis,your ex has little or no reason to lie.All he needs say is that he simply wanted out.
Secondly,just as Western societies have their pre-conceived beliefs about the values of traditional African societies,so also do the latter societies have theirs of the West.It is believed in Nigeria that the institution of marriage in America is no more than a sad joke.Americans are believed to place a high premium on divorce.I think that the statistics are there to prove it.It is this preconception that would eliminate the need for your ex husband to lie on the one hand,and his family or friends to shun him over the divorce,on the other hand.Unless you were loved unconditionally by his family(a love that comes via mutual bonding between in-laws and potential spouse,over time),I think they would simply say to him, “we told you so.”Now,please remember that all this has nothing to do with the quality of lady you are.
In summary,I have a belief that you are a decent lady.I also know that your Mr.Charming is out there searching for you.My prayer is that you two run into each other sooner than later,amen.But regarding your ex husband,you can never know the truth unless he tells you.I personally feel it is not worth a broken penny trying to analyze what he has been saying about your past relationship.It may be tempting to do so but,stay strong. To all my fellow travelers,I hope that I can find time to share some of the avoidable snafus readily discernable in intercultural marriages of the African and American species.They are those "inconsequential" issues in American culture,but "abomination" in the African worldview.Truly,it is the little things that have been known to unravel otherwise beautiful trans-Atlantic marriages.I wish you all well,and a most rewarding 2008!
I am glad that many who have responded to your post will not be judges in a real criminal court(knock on wood).I say so because innocent souls would hang on mere assumptions.Our ancestors,those wise sages,have an ancient proverb that, “the mind is like a bag,and every person carries their own.”You can only know the contents of my "bag" if I choose to show you.Based on this ancient counsel,I am inclined to agree with Omoba’s initial response to your post.Besangin,there is very limited information you provided to attempt an objective analysis.Hence,any responses that claim to explain your ex husband’s heart based on your post will be patently flawed.Only your ex husband can truly tell what his true original and current intensions/feelings are.
Now,the popular theme in most of the responses thus far is that your ex husband is lying to save face among family and friends,in Nigeria.To be sure,we Nigerians and Africans in general abhor divorce.But there is a fine print that follows,one which those not conversant with the various traditions miss.The beauty of many a Nigerian cultural worldview is that there can never be finality to anything.Not even death!We scorn divorce,yes,but we also say that it is better for a man or woman to get out of a perilous marriage than to die in it.That is why you hardly hear of a spouse killing their partner in Nigeria.If it becomes most intolerable,people do leave marriages,and families do offer succor to their own.
I do not feel comfortable revealing this,but if it will help even one decent soul out there safeguard their marriage and happiness,then it is worthwile.When you hear the truth that Nigerian cultures hold divorcees in contempt,please know that this for the most part applies to couples whose union has been solemnized under a mutually shared cultural philosophy of marriage.For example,in my neck of the woods Nigeria,a marriage takes place only after very exhaustive traditional marriage processes,from the initial declaration of interest;traditional family background checks(formal or informal:whose daughter or son is your spouse? Is there a history of stealing and or crimes in the family?Are they hardworking,or more inclined to doing jail terms for crimes?Serioulsy,no kindred wants in-laws who are bad news);to the very important and solemn negotiation of the dowry which culminates in the traditional marriage ceremony,as witnessed by one’s village elders,kinsmen,age grade,and yes,the ancestors through libation.You see,the traditional marriage process is a family’s way of saying, “we drink to this sacred union because we find our child to be worthy of our family name.”It is a marriage consummated through this most rigorous and complex process that earns the scorn of family and friends in the event of a frivolous divorce.Other than that,no one really gives a hoot wether the marriage starts,or ends. On this basis,your ex has little or no reason to lie.All he needs say is that he simply wanted out.
Secondly,just as Western societies have their pre-conceived beliefs about the values of traditional African societies,so also do the latter societies have theirs of the West.It is believed in Nigeria that the institution of marriage in America is no more than a sad joke.Americans are believed to place a high premium on divorce.I think that the statistics are there to prove it.It is this preconception that would eliminate the need for your ex husband to lie on the one hand,and his family or friends to shun him over the divorce,on the other hand.Unless you were loved unconditionally by his family(a love that comes via mutual bonding between in-laws and potential spouse,over time),I think they would simply say to him, “we told you so.”Now,please remember that all this has nothing to do with the quality of lady you are.
In summary,I have a belief that you are a decent lady.I also know that your Mr.Charming is out there searching for you.My prayer is that you two run into each other sooner than later,amen.But regarding your ex husband,you can never know the truth unless he tells you.I personally feel it is not worth a broken penny trying to analyze what he has been saying about your past relationship.It may be tempting to do so but,stay strong. To all my fellow travelers,I hope that I can find time to share some of the avoidable snafus readily discernable in intercultural marriages of the African and American species.They are those "inconsequential" issues in American culture,but "abomination" in the African worldview.Truly,it is the little things that have been known to unravel otherwise beautiful trans-Atlantic marriages.I wish you all well,and a most rewarding 2008!
QUOTE(ogele @ Dec 29 2007, 07:21 AM)
Besangin:
I am glad that many who have responded to your post will not be judges in a real criminal court(knock on wood).I say so because innocent souls would hang on mere assumptions.Our ancestors,those wise sages,have an ancient proverb that, “the mind is like a bag,and every person carries their own.”You can only know the contents of my "bag" if I choose to show you.Based on this ancient counsel,I am inclined to agree with Omoba’s initial response to your post.Besangin,there is very limited information you provided to attempt an objective analysis.Hence,any responses that claim to explain your ex husband’s heart based on your post will be patently flawed.Only your ex husband can truly tell what his true original and current intensions/feelings are.
Now,the popular theme in most of the responses thus far is that your ex husband is lying to save face among family and friends,in Nigeria.To be sure,we Nigerians and Africans in general abhor divorce.But there is a fine print that follows,one which those not conversant with the various traditions miss.The beauty of many a Nigerian cultural worldview is that there can never be finality to anything.Not even death!We scorn divorce,yes,but we also say that it is better for a man or woman to get out of a perilous marriage than to die in it.That is why you hardly hear of a spouse killing their partner in Nigeria.If it becomes most intolerable,people do leave marriages,and families do offer succor to their own.
I do not feel comfortable revealing this,but if it will help even one decent soul out there safeguard their marriage and happiness,then it is worthwile.When you hear the truth that Nigerian cultures hold divorcees in contempt,please know that this for the most part applies to couples whose union has been solemnized under a mutually shared cultural philosophy of marriage.For example,in my neck of the woods Nigeria,a marriage takes place only after very exhaustive traditional marriage processes,from the initial declaration of interest;traditional family background checks(formal or informal:whose daughter or son is your spouse? Is there a history of stealing and or crimes in the family?Are they hardworking,or more inclined to doing jail terms for crimes?Serioulsy,no kindred wants in-laws who are bad news);to the very important and solemn negotiation of the dowry which culminates in the traditional marriage ceremony,as witnessed by one’s village elders,kinsmen,age grade,and yes,the ancestors through libation.You see,the traditional marriage process is a family’s way of saying, “we drink to this sacred union because we find our child to be worthy of our family name.”It is a marriage consummated through this most rigorous and complex process that earns the scorn of family and friends in the event of a frivolous divorce.Other than that,no one really gives a hoot wether the marriage starts,or ends. On this basis,your ex has little or no reason to lie.All he needs say is that he simply wanted out.
Secondly,just as Western societies have their pre-conceived beliefs about the values of traditional African societies,so also do the latter societies have theirs of the West.It is believed in Nigeria that the institution of marriage in America is no more than a sad joke.Americans are believed to place a high premium on divorce.I think that the statistics are there to prove it.It is this preconception that would eliminate the need for your ex husband to lie on the one hand,and his family or friends to shun him over the divorce,on the other hand.Unless you were loved unconditionally by his family(a love that comes via mutual bonding between in-laws and potential spouse,over time),I think they would simply say to him, “we told you so.”Now,please remember that all this has nothing to do with the quality of lady you are.
In summary,I have a belief that you are a decent lady.I also know that your Mr.Charming is out there searching for you.My prayer is that you two run into each other sooner than later,amen.But regarding your ex husband,you can never know the truth unless he tells you.I personally feel it is not worth a broken penny trying to analyze what he has been saying about your past relationship.It may be tempting to do so but,stay strong. To all my fellow travelers,I hope that I can find time to share some of the avoidable snafus readily discernable in intercultural marriages of the African and American species.They are those "inconsequential" issues in American culture,but "abomination" in the African worldview.Truly,it is the little things that have been known to unravel otherwise beautiful trans-Atlantic marriages.I wish you all well,and a most rewarding 2008!
I am glad that many who have responded to your post will not be judges in a real criminal court(knock on wood).I say so because innocent souls would hang on mere assumptions.Our ancestors,those wise sages,have an ancient proverb that, “the mind is like a bag,and every person carries their own.”You can only know the contents of my "bag" if I choose to show you.Based on this ancient counsel,I am inclined to agree with Omoba’s initial response to your post.Besangin,there is very limited information you provided to attempt an objective analysis.Hence,any responses that claim to explain your ex husband’s heart based on your post will be patently flawed.Only your ex husband can truly tell what his true original and current intensions/feelings are.
Now,the popular theme in most of the responses thus far is that your ex husband is lying to save face among family and friends,in Nigeria.To be sure,we Nigerians and Africans in general abhor divorce.But there is a fine print that follows,one which those not conversant with the various traditions miss.The beauty of many a Nigerian cultural worldview is that there can never be finality to anything.Not even death!We scorn divorce,yes,but we also say that it is better for a man or woman to get out of a perilous marriage than to die in it.That is why you hardly hear of a spouse killing their partner in Nigeria.If it becomes most intolerable,people do leave marriages,and families do offer succor to their own.
I do not feel comfortable revealing this,but if it will help even one decent soul out there safeguard their marriage and happiness,then it is worthwile.When you hear the truth that Nigerian cultures hold divorcees in contempt,please know that this for the most part applies to couples whose union has been solemnized under a mutually shared cultural philosophy of marriage.For example,in my neck of the woods Nigeria,a marriage takes place only after very exhaustive traditional marriage processes,from the initial declaration of interest;traditional family background checks(formal or informal:whose daughter or son is your spouse? Is there a history of stealing and or crimes in the family?Are they hardworking,or more inclined to doing jail terms for crimes?Serioulsy,no kindred wants in-laws who are bad news);to the very important and solemn negotiation of the dowry which culminates in the traditional marriage ceremony,as witnessed by one’s village elders,kinsmen,age grade,and yes,the ancestors through libation.You see,the traditional marriage process is a family’s way of saying, “we drink to this sacred union because we find our child to be worthy of our family name.”It is a marriage consummated through this most rigorous and complex process that earns the scorn of family and friends in the event of a frivolous divorce.Other than that,no one really gives a hoot wether the marriage starts,or ends. On this basis,your ex has little or no reason to lie.All he needs say is that he simply wanted out.
Secondly,just as Western societies have their pre-conceived beliefs about the values of traditional African societies,so also do the latter societies have theirs of the West.It is believed in Nigeria that the institution of marriage in America is no more than a sad joke.Americans are believed to place a high premium on divorce.I think that the statistics are there to prove it.It is this preconception that would eliminate the need for your ex husband to lie on the one hand,and his family or friends to shun him over the divorce,on the other hand.Unless you were loved unconditionally by his family(a love that comes via mutual bonding between in-laws and potential spouse,over time),I think they would simply say to him, “we told you so.”Now,please remember that all this has nothing to do with the quality of lady you are.
In summary,I have a belief that you are a decent lady.I also know that your Mr.Charming is out there searching for you.My prayer is that you two run into each other sooner than later,amen.But regarding your ex husband,you can never know the truth unless he tells you.I personally feel it is not worth a broken penny trying to analyze what he has been saying about your past relationship.It may be tempting to do so but,stay strong. To all my fellow travelers,I hope that I can find time to share some of the avoidable snafus readily discernable in intercultural marriages of the African and American species.They are those "inconsequential" issues in American culture,but "abomination" in the African worldview.Truly,it is the little things that have been known to unravel otherwise beautiful trans-Atlantic marriages.I wish you all well,and a most rewarding 2008!
Ogele, I thank you so much for your perspective and VALUABLE knowledge into your culture. That is my mistake that I without hesitation admit. I didn't take the time to find not even a little bit of what you said about the culture. I figured we'd learn it as we went along, and I trusted the words and promises that he gave. So I own that. That is what I want to leave others with here too is to know its deeper than the blue skys and rainbows of that new love. Although I have put that behind me, I would be portraying myself as a super human if I stated that I never think about things or I never wonder about things, but truth is I do. I always go back to that doesn't define who I am as a woman, that is my past, and I now have knowledge to use for my furture relationship. But your words do make me pose another question, why lie then if there is no need and they told him so? If he has his freedom and green card he can do and go where ever, why stay in the same city, why do you keep trying to get in my business and such? Is that just a man thing? I keep my distance for the most part 'cause for me its done, and do not entertain the thought of reconcilliation at all. Is it possible because I do remain cordial if I hear from him or see him that he may think that there is a possibility one day? Maybe I should be cold and just tell him to quit trying to be friends and go do you. Again You are very wise and eloquent writer. Do you got a single brother in the USA looking for a DIAMOND??????
'Cause Mommy can sho' upgrade 'em like Beyonce!!!!! LOL!!! This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.