I decided to start this thread as a result of reading some of the other posts, concerning the good and the bad experiences.

Let me first say, I'm still married to my husband. But let me also say it has not been easy. I have learned some things from really nice seasoned married women that has helped in the relationship. Suggestions like exhibiting more patience and trying to put myself in his shoes, coming to a country with no family, no friends and learning new things to make it here in the US. Learning patience for me is still a work in progress......


With that said, I went out my way to make available everything to my husband, which included cell phone, luxuries at home, supplying a whole new wardrobe. And I believe that was a mistake, it was taken for granted!! All he had to do was just mentioned it and it was done. But then it was like he was always looking for something. I put myself on the bottom of list, if I was even on the list. I needed to take care of me more as I tried to help in his adjustment. So now I make sure I pay attention to me and not just him.

Many people have their thoughts concerning Nigerian men and I made it a point to not let family know if we were having problems. But I went through the throwing of fits (him of course), money issues (when he started to work), the checking out of single sites, the porn sites, etc. which has damaged our marriage. Right now I'm trying to heal myself to be able to continue in this marriage. So I see where the feelings of being scammed for a paper comes from, but then I have to look at the whole picture and determine, if it is about a paper or is it just how this man (my husband) is.

I've read this post and another previous post about some failed relationships with African/Nigerian men. I just HAD to say something. VJ is a forum for people to share their good news, bad news, lessons and even failures. If people just want to come here to read only good and positive things that's their choice but...its not REALITY.

The reality is that just as people are meeting their loves, there are people who are hurting and angry at being decieved or realizing that the differences are too much for them to handle. International relationships aren't just love and paperwork. When you choose this relationships you're taking on a lot. And there's a dark reality that there are people from all over the world who are willing to lie, cheat and manipulate unsuspecting people into a relationships, marriage and even having kids. i hope that this forum can be a space to support EVERYONE - not just those did all the right things or have good news to share.

My personal lesson learned is this. "Don't risk more than you can afford to lose."

My husband is Ethiopian. I don't regret my decision to enter into a relationship with him. HOWEVER, I am happy that I never sponsored him for his greencard. Had i, it would have been a huge crushed to be his financial sponsor after really getting to know what kind of person he really is. I won't go into the details of what went wrong. All i can say is that my husband knows its not working for me and he's AGGRESSIVELY trolling yahoo personals and muslim singles looking for other woman. One day he tells me he can't live without me and within hours he's chatting with btwn four to seven different women.

I feel sorry for whomever gets caught up with him. But I'm happy for myself for NOT invested too much - esp once I saw that some bad patterns of dishonesty. contradictions, selfishness and unwillingness to take personal responsibility. I support international relationships. But people need to have their eyes open at the same time. Take my views only as friendly advice. "Follow your heart but don't risk more than you can afford to lose"

Please feel free to PM for more deets.

Thanks for sharing your heart-felt personal experience. As women, you are brave for taking the risk and sharing this with us..
God bless and lots and lots of <<<hugs.>>

I would like to thank you very much for sharing your story......All of us that have gone into such a relationship need to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly.......We can learn form each experience. It takes a brave and loving person to share their stories, more so when its a failed relationship....These women need to know that their stories help to keep our feet on the ground and not get so carried so away that we lose sight of reality.....Thank you so much......

I just want to comment, and say - these things happen right here. I never saw our situation as being any more risky than meeting, loving, and marrying someone from right here at home. The advice i read is good, and the risks that you actually never get out of a marriage what you put in are the same no matter where the person you love and marry is from.

Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. Let us know what happens.

Your absolutely right it could be an American that I could have married and have the same issues. But I guess my struggle is that you appear to be living how GOD (it's our higher being) would allow with some compromising exceptions. Even if they married someone from home do you really think the woman would put up with these types of issues? When you run into the lying, your looking at trust issues and that is a major in a relationship. How about when you attempt to forgive and hope to forget to build on your marriage and the same type of situations and more continue to happen.

Some would say enough is enough, but you have to ask the question, have I done all that I can do concerning my marriage, and that may even include standing still and letting GOD do his work. This is a hard road, because it is much easier to walk away. But when you came into with your heart all open and revealing to SO, and you expected the same.............

Everyone's situation is different but from my perspective the circumstances of an international mariage are VERY different from marrying an American. When you start adding language, cultural differences and immigration status into the mix it gets even more complicated. I believe these kinds of relationships can work. But there were situations in my relationship that would never existed had i married an American. Or let me put it this way, we had cultural differences.

I'll just give you a few comical examples.

1) He hid my wine. At a certain point, my husband decided that he didn't drink and that he didn't like it when I drank. So one night I came home to find that he'd hidden my wine. His reason? "Well in my culture is it okay to take some thing away if it is not in the other person's best interest." My response....."WHAT?? Don't ever hide my wine. Are you crazy??" I was so pissed. I mean who hides someone's wine? I'm not an alcoholic. But my husband thought that we fought bc I drank. Now he knows better. LOL.

2) "Where's my food?"....famous last words.....When my husband first oved here, he feel asleep while I was cooking him food (something I'd never do for an American man bc it was 10 p.m. and I wasn't hungry). Anyway, when he woke up (some time around midnight) he said, "where's my food?" And he had the nerve to have an attitude about it, too. Dude my mouth was open. I couldn't believe he'd say that to me. It was his culture and he didn't see that he was being rude. After much dissucsion he's realized that it wasn't cool.

3) "I am not a sheep." My husband really had a hard time with me telling what to do sometimes -- esp when it came to driving. We were driving somewhere once, I was telling him, "okay...turn here....alright get into the left lane and stay there." Normal stuff. He, of course, was smarter than me and wouldn't want to follow my instructions. When I got angry and asked him 'why aren't you listening to me?!!! do you know where you're going?" His response? "I am not a sheep. You can't just tell me what to do" My response: "Well, you need to be a sheep sometimes." The sheep comment stuck around for a good 6 months.

These are things I can laugh about now.....But I let's face it international relationships are special but come with some special challenges.

Well, I agree and disagree with this post. Yes, you take a risk with anyone you get involved with. However, for me, the financial requirements of the LDR are certainly more then I would've ever experienced had I fallen in love with someone in my own city.

It's not just Sub-Saharan men. It seems to be the same story in many different forums. So, know you are not alone. I respect that you shared your story. It takes guts to say some things in public. I've taken lots of bashing for saying some of the negatives I bring out in public when I am trying to deal with things.

The driving thing......Girl, that is ALL men. I don't know what it is; but once you put a man behind the wheel, they seem to think they know everything. They will never admit they are lost or confused. You made me smile with that sheep comment. Next time, ask him how often he's seen a sheep drive a car?

Just because we explore alternate routes from time to time doesn't mean we're lost or confused. I wish there was a way for women to understand that.

Blah0323 - Hat's off for having the courage to share your story. Especially on such a 'touchy' subject.

In reading what you've said, I am reminded of a piece of advice I received on a regular basis. Don't SPOIL your SO when they arrive. For mainly of us, our SO is coming from a place where poverty is a way of life. Personally, my husband spent several years in parts of Europe before he came here, so he had already started to see the difference between what TV portrays, and what really is. In saying this, our efforts to make things comfortable for our SO ends up giving them a false since of reality. Think about what we as American's see onTV. Big houses, fancy cars, lots of Bling Bling! You and I know that this is not all for real. We have Credit/Loans that makes a lot of these type things possible. As a matter of fact, we can choose to lease the car/house that we want as well. Try explaining this to someone from a 3rd world country, when all they know about us is what MTV, VH1 and BET portrays.

In sharing my thoughts ...this kind of explains why I am not against indivudals providing us with a dose of reality here on VJ. Please understand - I do not support trying to kill someone's spirit unnecessarily; pushing a drowning man under water is not good. But I do believe in "keeping it real".

Keep your chin up, and pray for guidance in all that you do.

Boaz

One more thing ...... in my opinion I sometimes wonder if it's more so the person's culture or just the individual? For example: my husband is from Cameroon and has a very gentle/laid back personality. Yet I know of other men from his country that are complete jerks! What do you'll think? I know that in some cases it's the persons culture/background. But I often wonder why sometimes two individuals can be from the same place, yet so different. Just thinking out loud

Boaz

Thanks for your post and your honesty. I feel that is welcome and encouraged here. The difference between your post and some others on the site is that you tell your story as a testimony for others to learn from. There are other women who have done the same here. (No men...hmmm?) But then there are some who come here to show you how wrong you are for your joy in your relationship and how your relationship WILL fail. That's NOT cool! And it's really annoying after a while quite frankly. It's like you can ignore it and try to be supportive to a point, and then you just want to say, take some Lexapro and see a therapist. Cause, some people don't want to grow, some people don't want to move on, some people don't want to heal, and worse of all, some people don't want you to feel joy if they are feeling pain.

What is Lexapro?

Its an antidepressant.

This is my second marraige and so I have my eyes open to things now that I wasn't aware of at 23 and fresh out of grad school. I'm not sorry for my first marraige, I loved him with all my heart and I believe he loved me. He has since come and apologized to me for some of the things he did and said he was so selfish at the time he didn't realize what he was doing to me. I was amazed and pleased. But it was already too late. We were already over. But just to let you know...we met here in the US and had cultural differences. The ones you explained I had with him and there was no international nothing messing with us. If you're looking for a reason you can find a reason. But it's not so black and white. Men are just wired differently than women. That's how God made it. Also, my ex injured himself and was unable to work and I took care of our family for 4 years...so I also saw a financial responsibility for him during that time as well. I totally lost myself in trying to "save" him and "save" our marriage. I gave all of myself to him and my daughter and didn't realize how much I was hurting myself until I ended up in the hospital. Love and marraige has no guarantees. You surrender to love and you have to give it your all. If you go in with doubts and questions, it won't work. If you go in not trusting the other person, it won't work. Marriage isn't easy, but it's worth it. If you're protecting yourself from the pain of being in love, you're also preventing yourself from feeling the joy of being in love.

lexapro is a convenient, once-daily pill for major depressive disorder (MDD) and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).³

porn movies (this don't bother me but my spouse don't really likes it ) thanks for sharing your experienced here.

I agree totally.

I don't believe that culture has anything to do with it. It is definitely a individual thing. You know how children are (not trying to compare a man/woman to a child), when your parents/family is not watching, you do whatever. My hubby definitely doing things that his siblings don't know him for, it is funny to me. Because he won't admit to anything and I'm sitting observing and watching.

Porn shouldn't be a part of a Christian marriage!!! If that is what you like that is your choice, but not in our household.

I am normally pretty good about accepting differences, but I have to agree that Porn and anything else that falls under the laws of cheating is where I draw the line! Absolutely, positively WILL NOT accept that under NO circumstances.

Hmmm ... good point.

I TOTALLY AGREE!

Very nicely said. As you know I was going through a doubt crisis about a month ago - my husband was in an area with no net/mobile access for several weeks and at the same time two people who don't even know anything except the bare details of our relationship said 'he's only using you for a GC' so my mind went haywire imagining all of the usual things and doubting whether I should even continue. There were also some money issues and I had previously been with a Nepali guy who was a real 'user'. I then thought it through and realized all of my feelings were my own demons and issues and past experiences, none of it had to do with the way he has treated me - he has always treated me with nothing but love and respect and I shouldn't go and accuse him before he has even committed a crime, especially since we are apart and it is impossible to know the whole story based on IMs or phone calls - that is a good way to doom a marriage before it can even get off the ground. God or karma or fate has placed this man in my life and I am going to love him with all of my heart and soul - if it ends then yes I will be heartbroken but it's better than prematurely ending the marriage based only on doubts and speculation and then forever after wondering 'what might have been'. Nobody knows where their life will be in 2, 3, 5, 10 years - why turn down the feast in front of you just because you are afraid you will be hungry later???

Yes, money is a big issue, we are going to be struggling especially at first if he is not allowed to work(K3) but money comes and goes, it is a chance I am willing to take.

I totally agree - there is a stereotype that Nepalis and Himalayan people in general are gentle, peaceful, generous, laid-back - on the surface at least they often seem that way when compared to the stereotypical aggressive American(esp. NYer) personality. Howver, my ex was also Nepali(the same caste and family name as my husband!) and he was the most egotistical(he had an album filled with only photos of himself), selfish, greedy, aggressive person you could ever meet. Fortunately my husband seems to live up to the good Nepali stereotype - hope that will continue when he comes to NY...

What I"m about to say isn't going to settle well with people but I'm going to put it out there. I wouldn't advise ANY WOMAN who is dealing with a man from a traditional overseas culture to trust that person 100% until they've lived together for a while. I say this ONLY out of concern and as a point of caution.

When I read the posts it reminds me of how I felt before my husband arrived. I thought that he was the sweetest, nicest and kindest man I'd ever met. Why? Because that's how he presented himself. But since he's lived in the US its been a different story. Don't get me wrong. His personality is very sweet but there's a very dark side. He's not physically abusive. HOWEVER, I swear to God I am finding contriditions and constant dishonesty in him all the time. Anything he does that is wrong he will argue with me for a half hour to justify that it is right. For example, he STOLE a piece of mail addressed to me. I found it. He took it from my purse twice. When I confronted him he tried to make it seem as if he didn't do anything wrong.

Just yesterday where he expressed frustration when he thought I was being unfaithful (which I was not), essentially he said that if we were in his country he would have beaten me. I was shocked. Never in a million years did I imagine that my sweet, gentle husband would even think of commiting such an act. But he said that he was serious. We'd talked about this issue a few times before he came to the US and every time he said..."oh no I could never hurt anyone." I swear this is just one of many examples that the person I talked to online and on the phone for TWO years was a fake.

I don't say this to discourage anyone from finding love. Follow your heart. Do what you have to do to be happy. But please, ladies, don't give away ALL your trust to someone who hasn't proven themselves. There is a such thing as having different levels of trust in a relationship. Please make your husbands/fiance's EARN your full trust once they move here. Its easy for a man to say, "i'm honest. I'm nice. I"m going to support you." when they live thousands of miles away.

I don't say this to be negative. Just a word of caution.

I think it is a combination of both. It all depends on his culture, his upbringing, his sense of reality, and his personality. I agree with you completely. My husband is very different then many of the jerks I have seen.




Geez............I say this all the time. You are wise.

Points taken. And, very gracefully put.

I'm so sorry it has happened to you.

A lot of times we write on these boards about the culture shock of the foreign SO coming here and adjusting to American culture but I also think that the USC has to adjust to the culture shock of having their SO here. I think it is so much more than finding an ethnic store in the area for them to shop at.....hmm, maybe I should start a thread

We all get so swept up in the fantasy of someone who loves us from half a world away, who we are fighting to get here and once they land on American soil all our problems are going to go away and we will live the American dream. And then they get here and reality hits us like a steamroller.

Southernchic, you bring up a good point about trust and culture. IMHO, I don't think that living together for any length of time will fix any issues unless both parties make adjustments to accomodate each other. To me, and I am no expert, the actions of your husband seem to be influenced by his character and his culture. As for the comment about the beating I cannot say that I am surprised, not saying that is is right, but I am not surprised. Unfortunately it is a reaction that is all too common in too many parts of Africa.

Boaz, thank you for sharing the tip on not spoiling your SO

Thank you for sharing your story. I do love and trust my fiance completely. I wouldn't marry him if I didn't and I don't believe in living with a man I am not married to. I do realize that love is a chance, but it's one I'm willing to take. I hope that you and your husband are able to work through your problems. It sounds like you are struggling with adjusting to being together and I hope you find balance. I remember reading on VJ of a woman who really had to step back and realize how traumatic this was for her husband and that moving and leaving everything he knew behind was beginning to change who he was as a person. There is so much to think about in combining two lives into one union and it's more complicated when there is an international move involved and even more complicated when there is a move from a third world country to a first world country. It's hard to imagine how much you have both gone through. I wish you the best of luck and hope that things get better and your relationship takes a positive turn.

Southernchic,

Speaking for myself ...... I do not take what you've said personally. It's things like this I believe needs to be expressed. My husband have been in the USA for almost two years. The past two years have not been the easiest. However, so far (in my case) it has been worth every twist and turn. In my case I must say that most of the issues probably lies with me .... not trusting, always taking a second glance, and questioning just about eveything. This is not always good, but all things considered I must 'keep my 3rd eye open'. Fortunately, my husband is very patient and understanding. So far so good ...... but I like what you said also - "don't give ALL your trust to someone who has not proven themselves."

For yourself, and others in similar situations I wish you the best.

Pray without ceasing.

Boaz

I am wondering why one should withhold trust and not give it their all in a relationship. I agree that trust is earned but there must come a point in time where you are no longer suspicious and always looking for something. That point should be when you decide to commit to a life together.

Personally, I don't like sharing a life together with one eye always suspiciously open. It kind of shows insecurities. Constant suspicion
disrespects him IF there is nothing to be alarmed about. I am not talking about a marriage in deep trouble here but a healthy one.

That is what the time of getting to know someone is for. Study the culture so you know what is culture and what is personality.
If dishonesty comes constantly into play then that is a deal breaker and serious reevaluation of the relationship would be needed.

OK, so you trust 100% and are happy and then things don't work out......well, what is so bad having trusted and given your all ?
You have done all you could and if the marriage doesn't work out you act like the strong woman that you are and pick yourself up and go on.
I have.
I rather trust completely, give it my all and then face trouble head on than living in constant suspicion.
If it's not working its not working but my point is trust while it is working.
Constant suspicion is a form of disrespect to your mate. Unless you have a good reason to be.

We are all at different levels in the relationship but I am also speaking from experience having gone through a marriage before that failed.
It is my advice to trust once committed to propel yourselves forward.
I had a b/f once that was always suspicious of me for absolutely no reason. I left him, I felt he didn't understand who I was and that we could not move forward as his lack of trust disrespected my intentions.

Southernchic I wish you both the best and hope you can overcome your troubles and that he will realize his mistakes.

You had an interesting cultural adjustment thread some time ago, last year maybe, it was so funny. I should look for it.

Thanks for being real.

I respect your view point. But in my honest opinion one can't possibly get to know someone 100% when they don't live in the same country. My problem wasn't that I didn't trust my husband. The problem was that I trusted him, took a risk and but began to see that he wasn't trustworthy once he arrived in the US. His problem was that he thought I loved him soooo much that I'd forgive him no matter what he did.

Once I saw that he was shady I began to get suspicious and it was ONLY then that I began to discover little things that he'd lied about or hidden from me. Even when I begged and pleaded for him to change and take responsibility, it continued and still does to this day. Am I happy that i had my guard up and didn't just jump in 100%. ABSOLUTELY. Otherwise, I'd have a child in the middle of a really messed up situation.

I understand what you are saying. Our viewpoints are not that different. Our trust level differs and each has to find their own according
to our different experiences, gut feeling, and faith. I still chose to trust until I find reason to question.
It is wise to hold off on having children until you have been together for a while in any new relationship.

My post was mainly to encourage woman in new relationships to not take mistrust to a level where it interferes with growing together.
I pointed out that I was talking about a healthy relationship where no chronic dishonesty has been discovered.
I see some people always worry if he is ' in for the green card ' when there are no signs of that, that to me is not healthy.

You will never know 100% about anyone. Probably not even yourself. That's doesn't mean you can't know enough about them to trust them. And when your relationship is healthy you are always learning more things about them and yourself even as you both keep changing. Again, I would say, this is not about living in a different country. I actually found out my ex was moving debt into my name and had to take out a police report for identity fraud against him while we were still married. We were in the same house and I didn't know he was doing something so completely crazy. We met and married here in the US. We dated for 3 years before marrying. We were married for 7 years. People change and sometimes love goes sour and it hurts sooooooo bad. But going into a relationship looking for a problem, causes a problem and a splinter in the relationship that can grown into a big chasm that destroys the relationship. The only thing you have control over is yourself. If you go into relationships that end the same way, repeatedly, then check yourself so that you can make changes and have a happier life. You can't change the man....GOD KNOWS you can't change the man.

Well said. Don't get me started on my USC ex. Forgotten, forgiven and glad I gave it my 100%. It's over. I moved on and trusting again.
Life goes on.

I agree with a lot of what you've said. In my personal case I have always been the type to always 'keep an eye open.' To me it has worked, and continues to work. Perhaps it does show some type of insecurity, but I'd rather be a little proactive than reactive. Of course there is always the fine line because you don't want to push a good thing away. Nevertheless, it often amazes me how sometimes we walk into a pit with our eyes wide open (been there done that). Again - this is how it works best for me. By no means am I suggesting it for everyone.



Good point.

My husband is excited to live in the US. I can imagine why, I have visited Ghana, although beautiful the standard of living is not the same. Even in the schools the US is made out to be so wonderful and as they head to the university they can be encouraged to leave to make a living after graduating. So its no surprise that many want to come. Thats been going on since Ellis Island but that doesnt mean our spouses will sell their integrity and their standing before God to get here. In our case we know the worst case scenrio is that they prevent him from coming but that doesnt mean they prevent us from being together. We knew there was a chance that I would have to live in Ghana. We are prepared mentally for that. I agree with Omoba here. Sometimes there are no signs but the ones we make up only out of misintrepatation and doubt in ourselves. Im excited for my husband, its going to be so new and thrilling for him for a while and because of that it will be new and exciting for me too. I share in his excitement and do not doubt that he is in it for the marriage. But that doesnt mean that I didnt put my husband through the ringer for awhile in the beginning. We have known each other for 3 years before we got married, 3 crazy years . During courtship that is the time to lay the cards on the table. If you are bringing it up and have doubts during yr marriage then maybe you didnt get to know them very well in the beginning. Now its just adding stress to an already hard situations. Whats the worst that can happen? You get duped and hurt beyond words, but wont you feel that anyways no matter where you are in yr relationship? You have already invested what could be damaged the most, your heart. How can you have joy living like that? Always doubting your spouse. If you guys do split up was it really only the others fault? Our spouses dont normally come on here and speak for themselves, do they? It takes two to make a relationship work. If yr married support him in his goal to be a good husband even during these hard times, yr marriage will thrive. My advice, is if you have doubts then strait out ask them. Have a good long talk about it. Then pray about it, hard and for days. Then let God answer you, no matter how hard the answer will be, dont ignore it. Then make yr decision and stick to it. If you decide to stay with them, then dont ever bring it up again. If the worst comes true, take comfort in the fact that it comes true even for the best marriages. Its just a statistic not a life-ending tragedy. Move on and with God's help it will make you stronger and not bitter.

:::dusting off the soap box for the next preacher on the forum::::

My biggest concern while being married is sometimes it can be financially difficult (especially in the beginning). It is hard to marry someone who has to go thru the waiting game process and raise a family on just one income. Then after you get the EAD...it is not easy finding a good paying job. My husband was frustrated not being able to work, but now I think he is worse because he is not able to find a decent job.


We also have many differences....but I always try to find humor in it. Afew days ago, he told me in January that he was going to form a soccer team at school...and I questioned him if he would have the time to do that...of course he said "yes". I said "oh really...well between working FT, going to school, and being on a soccer team, where does your wife and kids fit in?" He did not say anything after that, so we will see how everything goes. Sometimes he is very selfish w/ his time and I have explained to him that things have to improve in that area.

I know that no marriage is perfect and there will always be some flaws. Also, just overcoming many differences and misunderstandings can take time. My husband is always talking to his nigerian friend in North Carolina and they are always swaping stories about their lifestyle differences here in the States. I am happy for that because it has opened my husbands eyes and has helped him out in away.

My husband has mentioned that if we were in Nigeria...wives do this or else..and I have just said "well that is in Nigeria and now you are on the US's soil". He has also told the kids stories about school, hand washing clothes, the ways of life for a kid...and they have appreciated him more and understand why he can be difficult at times. This year is our first Christmas together as a family, my husband celebrates it, but not with gifts. He has told me that I should not buy any gifts and I have told him that I have too. I told him that I am sorry he feels that way, but I hope that he understands that I MUST get my kids some gifts...thank goodness he has not said anything yet I know as a child, they live for Christmas...I do not go overboard by any means...but I do like to put a smile on their face and give them some loving memories

We should be aware of the dangers but try to focus on the positive. It may be financially difficult for a while. Well, it's financially difficult now. My last telephone bill was $430. Bassi may help me pay a ridiculous phone bill because we both helped make it so ridiculous, but we don't share any other bills right now. We have separate lives. the $1000 for every flight to visit him adds up too. I'm not sure how much money he could cost me when he's here. The immigration process really is it in terms of major costs. I already buy food for a family, I doubt it'll be an exorbitant change when he is here. He may have a long time finding a job. So we have been planning other things for him to do, I'm focused on work that needs to be done in the house, he can paint one room at a time. And fix all the broken things (my house is 80+ yrs old). Take some classes. Do some volunteer work. And keep himself busy during that time. Use the time to adjust to the US and life in the frigid northeast. It's not going to be all cake, but it helps to try to focus on the positive and not on the negative.

Thanks for your kind response. Everything will be okay in time. At this point, all I want to do is to get my life back and start rebuilding my future. I just want it to be over.

This is a great thread, and very informative! So many have people have been candid about their experiences in intercultural marriages, and I for one really appreciate it. So thanks ladies! I don't really have much to add, as so many good things have already been said. All I can say is being real is so neccesary in marriage whether it's an intercultural one or not. I was talking to a friend about this sometime ago, but I think we as women tend not to be honest about the realites of marriage. We want to paint the best picture possible. However, being real about the issues that come up, is a much better teaching method IMO.

Southernchic: I am really sorry to hear about your situation. After following your story over the time I've been a VJ member, I was really pulling for you behind the scenes. Hopefully you'll be successful in getting your life back as you say. Thanks to you in particular for sharing your experience. All the best to you.

Hi Ladies,

I enjoyed reading all the things that was posted here. Firstly, let me encourage my sister with the word of God. The bible asked us to bear one another burden. The bible says that whoever that is spiritual let him or her restore the other person in the spirit of meekness. I don't encourage sin. I felt so bad to hear what your husband is doing. I want to encourage you and ask you to take it to God in prayer. Pray and fight for his soul and not only for your marriage. Sometimes we want to see our husband or wife change or try to do it by ourselves. It's only God that can change a person. The parable of the prodigal son will be a good example here. This young man had everything as you all has provided for your husband on their arrival and only to see the dark side of the man. The prodigal son father didn't try to change him but rather he gave him what belongs to him and he wasted it and then he came to his senses. That was God there working in this young man's life at his lowest point. Then when he came home he was already changed by God. The only thing that the father did was to welcome him.

Let God change the man's heart then you will see a changed person. There are a lot of temptations here in the States for men. Lets be real.

1. How many marriages are having problems here in the States?
2. What's the rate of international marriage here in the State?
3.Why are some of the ladies turning outside the States for a genuine love and a lasting relationship?

I'm really tired now because of my work schedule. I will answer all these questions and I will begin to unmask all the fraud, lies and games in order to come to the States and get Green Card by some African men.

Is there any answer to all the difficults in marriage and inter cultural marriage? The answer is yes. God is the answer. I will write soon and help the ladies to check the man that they are trying to bring over here. I'm tired of all this bad stories from my African brothers. I'm an African born and raised in Nigeria. I have lived in almost all the parts or tribes in Nigeria. I understand my people and as a man I will give you ladies the secret keys that unlock a true love and a fake one. I will help some of you ladies to check your hearts, motives and help you come up with a real thing when dealing with any African man.

As a disciple of Jesus Christ, it is my responsibility to help you ladies avoid some traps and help those who are in it to overcome every challenges or difficults and hurts.

Once again there are real people out there. My wife will never regret getting married to me. I told her the first time that I met her that she is bless. I know my heart and I am 100% committed to my wife, kids and marriage. I put God first in my life and marriage before my wife or any other thing. This is the only key that I will share today. If a man is not 100% committed to God he will not be committed to you either.

Keep your eyes out here for my coming post on this site. It's time for a godly man to stand out and defend other people that are real.

May you all abide and continue in God's Love

Yours in the Lord Blessing

Brother Francis

God bless you brother.......
As an African/Nigerian female it breaks my heart to hear of all the hurts done in the name of fake love.
I know it happens to women of all races, ages and backgrounds........ I bless God for men like you that put God first in all. I also appriciate that you mention praying for our parnters soul... cause in the end thats really what needs salvation. I will look out for you post and I pray that you are encouraged in all you do.

Although I am not married at this time I have a wealth of knowledge from the experiences of my mother., stepmother, aunties and friends......... I always tell my single friends that have the desire to be married to let the man find them. I have no grand expectations, but I am willing to serve my man through everything so help me God.......... Now you have to know that before I can say that, I know that I am not giving up too much for what I have. I took the advice I was given which was "Make sure he will always love you more that you love him" the amazing thing is that this is also bibically based...... A man should love his wife and A woman should respect her husband.

Now Ya'll know I was not going to let this one get away without adding my two cents in. Well, more like 15.00 dollars worth. The bottom line is, God is involved in the whole process already!!!! He gives us the minds and the good sense to discern things for ourselves. He gives us a heart to love and the free choice to choose, but truth be told we as women lead with our hearts. Yeah it goes good and they say all the right things and because of that we convince ourselves that hmmmmm, I think I might found a good one. Then we move on to the test stage where we want to know if he's a cheater, does he like kids, does he love God, and so forth and so on. When we hear the answers we want to hear we start to let down our guard. At that point we base off what we hear, what we saw for the brief moments we spent with our men and we decide yes, he's the one. Not that "he's the one I want to go further with so I got to really get to know him", but "oh he told me this, and I saw that and his friends and family said he was this." So now we have validation that he's a good man. But where we go wrong ladies is that we let that love bug take our A$$e$ OUT!! We stop being the reasonable intelligent women that we are, and we say, "It's going to be all good when he gets home!" But the truth of the matter is we didn't take the time to REALLY get to know them. HOW CAN WE??!!!!!! My therapist, and yes I needed some serious therapy behind my experince not just after the collision but before to help me to really understand and deal with our differences. Believe me had I not, I would be fighting Big Jane for my time to post this to you on the computer from prison because I would have gone straight GHETTO, TERMINATOR, BEOCH on his A$$. So moving right along. He said to me very quietly, Sonya did you really get to know Michael before you married him? Did you know and see his work ethic, did you see how he managed his money, did you see how he dealt or did he talk about his past relationships. Do you know where the boy went to kindergarten? Like a complete dummy answering honestly, I had to say no to all the above. I am not talking about what he told me and what I saw the little time I was in my EX spouses country with him, but on a long term bases that I could say that this man may have some issues but I know he is this. Couldn't do it. The time I was there I didn't want to spend that time arguing and trying to get to know his demons, 'cause we know we all got a dark side to us. so if we had a disagreement we didn't resolve it 'cause I had to get to the DING DING so I could be filled up while we waited for the visa to be approved. Am I strikin' a nerve yet? It ain't no steretype that they they are uh hum..... GIFTED in that department, and I know ya'll feel me! You do not have to live with a person to find out what and who they are made of, but getting to know someone takes time PERIOD!!!!!!! And THAT is where we go wrong. So saying its all his fault not true. We help to create our situations by not truly trusting in God. I mean that we want that good married life so bad that we step in and help things along instead of truly letting it be in God's time. Hate me or love, here or abroad, we have to let our men be men in all seasons and quit feeling guilty for expecting them to be the men of God they claim to be, because God's standard calls them higher than what we as mortal women want so no need to feel guilty, That is if your foundation is based in the bible. If your faith is something else I cannot speak to that. You know what works for you.

Now if you know the people that you are marrying or intending to marry, then everything else will be water under the bridge because if you have taken the time to know the person good and bad then at that point you make your decision on if this is your ever after. If it is not, walk away, and if it is then you got some work ahead of you 'cause no one is perfect, but you got what you want. Now if you jump into something and you find out later it wasn't what you subscribed to, then you got what you wanted because you thought you knew everything there is to know. If you are a commited person then you try to see it through til there is nothing left to even hope for, but if you are a quiter you just leave it, you move on to the next situation without having dealt with the first. A sure recipe to repeat the mistake.

When we fall in love and for a while we see no wrong in our loves. Even their POOP smells like roses and we love them. But you need more than love and a good feeling, 'cause when you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and the light is out and you sit on the toilet and that seat is up, AND he done pee'd on it, you AIN't gonna be loving his A$$ right then and there. That's when that foundation comes in, you remember that this man stayed up with you all night when you were cramping and rubbed your back. He cuts the grass and takes out the trash without you telling him.... thats when sitting in cold pee is not so bad. I don't want to discourage the new wives and fiancees just be strong and handle your business. At this point you can't comprehend anything but your love for your spouse,and for the most part that is good, because love brought you here in the first place, and those of us who have experienced an unhappy outcome cannot expect you to see what we see because you have not traveled that road ,and I pray that none of you have to, and if you trust God and the smarts that He gave you you will not. Its ok from time to time to get your head out of the clouds and just take a look around earth for a minute. Even moreso if you have children because if you make a mistake they will suffer too. I love children and hate to see them hurt! So take care of them!

Now to address one more issue and I will let you tear my post apart. Don't be naive in thinking that international relationships are no different than American one because they ARE!!! Yes men will be men no matter what, but there are way more cicumstances that come with pursuing one. Now, from what I can gather from the posts that I have read, the MAJORITY of the women here are intelligent and savvy, and if you would not allow and american man to lay up on you while you go to work and he has the ability to work, and if you require him to be a man and support your (in this day and age both have to work) family then why would it be ok for a foreign spouse to do that? Yes we have no choice in the beginning, but there should be no excuses when he can. So financially we are not going to put up the finances for a man already here like we do for our foreign SO. So yes there is a difference.

Lastly I leave you with this, when your man comes home and you find yourself asking, "What the HELL did customs do with my husband they replaced him with an imposter?" And you ask that question often because it feels like you are living with a stranger in your home, then NO, my sister you, did NOT get to know that man like you think. Things that you saw in him and he told you should not be a night and day difference when he is here. People just don't get BI POLAR Disorder, no offense if you struggle with that. All I say is Know him NOW or suffer later and suffer you will. Not saying you won't succeed, but the odds are not in our favor in any relationship foreign or domestic. But anything worth having is worth the work, just make sure you know what you can and cannot invest emotionally and financially. God first, your spouse second, and yourself last. AND GET TO KNOW HIM ON ALLL LEVELS!!!! That's ALL FOLKS!!!!