This is a very interesting thread, I must confess! I have never posted any write-ups on VJ since this account is my fiance's though I have unrestricted access on it. In fact I read all the post here more than she do simply because I'm privileged to have an internet access in my home which is not a norm in many homes here in Nigeria.

I came across this thread yesterday and I'd wanted to post some lines immediately after I read BESANGIN's posts but i needed to inform my fiance so she won't think someone has got access to her VJ account. Anyways, I'd like to direct my post to foreigners(non Nigerian) who found their Nigerian husband/fiance(e) online. First, you must understand that getting to love someone via the internet is not the bane to successful marriage but there are pivotal factors you must consider before making plans to get married to such person especially if your new found love is a Nigerian. The combination of these factors and many more you will research yourself by constant observations and communication with your husband/fiance(e) will help you make a decision on what to do if you find yourself in such situation.

1. MATURATIONAL LEVEL/READINESS OF YOUR HUSBAND/FIANCE(E): Many Nigerian guys are neither ready nor matured to get married. They propose to women online purely for the quest of leaving Nigeria to a place they call "land of opportunity". It will shock you to know that some Nigerians spend huge resources including their time to search for ladies online as their prey. This prey are popularly know as "mugu" or "maga". Majority of these ladies have some things in common: fat, over aged, divorced or widow(F.O.D.W). The believe is that ladies with such commonality are gullible. Don't get me wrong, your fiance/husband might have genuine intention about your relationship but i believe the motive behind him marrying you and also you saying yes to his proposal should be established. Furthermore, you are required to task the readiness of your man getting married to you and not necessarily getting married for the purpose of acquiring a Green card. Also the maturational level of your fiance(e)/husband to handle marital issues should be determined even before marriage. Here, chronological(actual) age does not measure marital maturational level. What you need to consider is your fiance(e)/husband's mental age, patience,perseverance and sensitivity.

2. FAMILY: Another factor you must consider is the family of your fiance(e)/husband. I know in western countries like the US this is not an important consideration but in Africa, it's as important as the survival and longevity of your marriage. This includes the impression that your fiance(e)/husband's parents/siblings has about you particularly because of your race and trace. You must know that some families in Nigeria are very cooperative with their sons. They can put on the garment of pretense and shower you with love and warm hospitality believing it is a necessary key for you to put in the application to bring their son to the "Land of Opportunity".

Many parents in Nigeria are against inter-tribal marriages among their children how much more marrying a foreigner. You must understand that family acceptance is not the only key to a successful marriage. However, in some cases such acceptance could be faked. So you need to find out if your fiancee/husband's family are against inter-tribal marriages in Nigeria and then use such information to develop some alert in your case.

3. FRIENDS: You must try to know your fiance(e)/husband's friends both male and female including information about his ex-girl friend since he will tell you that he has no current girl friend. Ask questions about his past relationships and how it ended. Every Nigerian that has completed a post secondary education would definitely have a girl friend except he wants you to believe otherwise. Note every stories and information he tells you about his friends (male/female) and then put him on a "hot seat" after some months by developing some investigative questions from such stories/information.

Discovering how real your man is takes a lot of hard work, dedicated time and research but in the end it pays.

4. FUN: You must also consider how much fun you derive from talking to him or being around him. This is a very important issue to consider because many people equate FUN with SEX. By fun, I mean the sensitivity of your man and not his sexuality. How sensitive is your man to any issues related to you? What do you guys talk about on the phone and how much fun and excitement do you derive talking to him? This are questions you need to ask yourself because when everything including sex fails, of course the fun you guys derive won't fail. I'm not saying sex is not an important issue in marriage but sometimes you need to judge your relationship with your fiance(e)/husband without considering the sexual satisfaction you derive and analyze the result to determine what you love about him.

I hope this post would be found useful and I stand to be corrected if you disagree with all or any part to the write-up. Thanks!!!

I sincerely hope that most of us already know this information about the "romance scammers". It is fairly common knowledge who they target and how they operate. Any of us who has choosen to take this journey, has hopefully already come to the conclusion in their minds that their men are legit. If they are having doubts at this point in the game, after they have already begun this process, then it is my opinion they never really knew their men in the first place.

Have you taken more than one trip to see him?
Did u stay longer than a few weeks?
Did u live his "life" or just spent it sightseeing and cuddling?
Did u spend alone time with his family and friends?
Did u see where he works? Meet his co-workers?
Did u attend his church? Meet his pastor?
Do u talk to his family regularly?
Does he ask u to send money?
Has he lied? Withheld important stuff, or not been honest?

All these are important things to ask yourself...of course there are many other important relationship, personality, and character questions to be asked, as in any relationship...but the important thing is WATCH FOR RED FLAGS! They are there in full sight! Dont be afraid to ask questions...if he truly is genuine, then he will understand.

Not all Nigerian men are scammers. But if u did your homework before getting involved with a man from Naija, especially online, you'd kno the statistics speak for themselves. For many there, scamming women is their career choice. Its a whole network...and not just in Nigeria.

This shouldnt be news to any of us...right?

Bottom line....be smart. Think with your head, not your heart. Nothing wrong with being cautious...after all this is our life we talking about here..right. and for many of us, lots of financial issues as well. Its not a subject we want to think about...but its one we need to be sure of before we invest our hearts and especially our dollars in!!!!!!!!!!!

My first marriage made me ill too, and that was with someone I'd gone to school with - but he and his family hid his mental health issues from me and we didn't live together until after we were married. He suffered almost constant depression, was completely incapable of holding down a job, became very callous, cruel, and manipulative and was always complaining about lack of money even though I was struggling to support us both while all he did was rack up more debt. He would be home all day but refuse to even wash the dirty dishes, and then expect me to do them and cook for him. We only watched the television programmes that he wanted to watch and he had a number of other weird rules and patterns (that kept changing... so I could never get it right). After his second emotional breakdown and almost ten years together of my trying to support him and get him to accept therapy / medication (he was good at hiding it and tried to make people believe I made it all up!) I finally accepted that I had to leave him in order to save myself.

Breaking the sacred bonds of marriage is not something that should ever be taken lightly, but sometimes it is necessary.

Do everything that you can to try to make your marriage work - but accept that you can only do so much. If the other person is unwilling or unable to meet you halfway then you have to accept that things may never get any better and that perhaps you both deserve to make a clean break of it and have the opportunity to move on.

~ Hannah

WOW !!!!!!! Thank you for sharing your comments.

Although I did not meet my husband on line, I must say that I appreciate so much what you've written. On a personal level I am against meeting individuals via the internet (again - on a personal level). Nevertheless, I am aware that there is a 50/50 chance that things can work. This same statistics applies to even non-internet relationships. Taking into account a conversation I had with a friend a while back (she is a USC and does meet guys online) your comment regarding F.O.D.W is a statement that I strongly believe has some merits. I think this applies very heavily to on-line, international relationships (regardless of the country). I am a full figured woman, and I know that men (even skinny guys) do find love (both inside and out) with the full figured woman. But your F.O.D.W. statement really makes me sit back and say hmmmmmm ......

In terms of your comments regarding Family and Friends. I agree with you again. During the initial part of our courtship, I would be willing to say that my husband probably knew more about my family and its background than he did about me. That was a major area of 'intrest' during the beginning. His sister and my 1st cousin played a big role in us meeting each other. And even during my conversations with them (by the way, my 1st cousin is a USC who met her Cameroonian husband in grad school) most of the initial conversations were about his family. It's funny that you should stress the family as such an important part in the dating role. Because I can recall various times having the thought of 'who are you dating? me or my family', and the same thought applied during the times I was receiving detailed briefings about his family. The role of the family is very important in his culture. This reminds us of - get to know the family! As for his friends, they too would call both me and my family during our courtship. My sisters started to look forward to the phone calls they would receive from my husbands friends. And guess what - taking into account some of what I've read here on VJ, it was not to ask for money or a 'hook up' with my sisters or anyone else. They sincerely wanted to get to know us, and we get to know them.

As for your explanation concerning having fun - I think you've covered that well.

Now ... sometimes things get real sticky around here when a fellow memeber(s) feels as though someone may be stepping on their toes .... guys please don't turn this into a cat fight. Let's take all that has been said in love and kindness.

I truely wish everyone the best!

I still don't quite get the family relationship. I don't fully understand it. Bassi's family had to approve of me, though I think they trust him and his ability to make a good choice. They were aware of me when we were friends, but when we became more than friends, the situation changed a bit. I felt "investigated". I remember telling my friends that I felt like I was on the hot seat all of a sudden. I also find that it's almost like I offend his extended family if I don't include them. Meaning calling or writing, basically keeping in contact. Now, I'm west indian and family is important, but I find them to be a bit stifling. So I keep them at a distance. I speak to my parents on a daily basis, everyone else that I consider extended family I talk to on major holidays or when there is a major life event like childbirth, marriage, college graduation, you know what I mean. Bassi's cousins call me weekly. I feel like it's all of them. And I'm running out of things to talk about. They want to know how I am, how is the baby, how is work. Well, the same, we're fine. I'm adjusting and it has been a big change for me. The closest of my family lives about 200 miles away. Bassi is already telling me he doesn't like that and he wants to move "his" family closer. [sigh] I like the distance. I have a huge bridge to cross with this. With learning what this means and how to incorporate it into my life without personal discomfort. I love my family, don't get me wrong. I just like the distance. It give me control. Otherwise, they'd be at my house whenever they want to, eating my food and making lots of noise. God Bless 'em, my family is an acquired taste.

Thanks for sharing this, I'm sure it will help someone.

It's funny you mention the calls from the cousin, the way they occur, the same questions. So a question, does that make you feel like they don't want to know anything else about you, or share other things about themselves or the family.

Because I could send you weekly email and let you know we are still okay, instead of you spending your money....lol Just a thought!

Well, I do think of them spending their money. I also think of me spending my money to call them all but I don't want to hurt their feelings either. So there is quite a bit of diplomacy involved. They won't take an email or a text message or I also tell Bassi, Tell everyone I said hello and I'm fine. Bassi and I speak everyday, so they know that I'm fine cause they ask him too. When I fell down the steps, they ALL knew. I got calls from Burkina Faso to Holland and everywhere in between. God Bless them! They all pray for me. I'm just family now. They have to hear my voice. And mama is a little frightened for my daughter. She has a sense that her father will take her away from me. So she has to hear KayKay's voice and checks on her weekly. But in their tribe, the child goes with the father if a marriage is split so it's the opposite of our culture.

I too felt like I was being "investigated". However, I started to change my view point and looked at the situation as 'aww ... they are so nice wanting to find out about us, and we about them'. OK .... back to reality ..... the calling would sometimes get on my nerves. But at the same time, I appreciated the efforts made.

Hot Dang! I totally understood your perspective on this one. The F.O.D.W part I had heard before, but was not sure about. Great post

FODW has been discussed frequently in the Mena forum.

I agree with all the points brought out for the beginning of the relationship. I just wish I had applied those insights when I was dating
USC here, it would have saved me a lot of trouble. But life is a teacher and the lessons were learned well by me. and have been applied since.

As a USC (married to a man from Africa), I prefer to think of online dating as more like lending to someone without a credit history, not so much someone "very very very very not so credit worthy". People gave me all kinds of scary things to think about before I even went over there, and I made sure to keep them all in the back of my mind. But I didn't expect anything bad based on what I knew of him, and I'm very happy to say that he's really wonderful.

I also want to address another thing you mentioned, and I am so happy you did. Most people seem to think that just because someone would like to leave their country, that they can't possibly actually love the person they meet from another country. I see nothing wrong with looking outside your country for a spouse, as long as you marry out of love. People here look for specific things all of the time. If you want a man with a good job, you're not going to hang out at the unemployment office! Not saying everyone is as obvious as that, but we all have our guidelines. Some people who criticize non-USC men and women for looking for USC spouses might want to remember that some USC men and women also purposely look outside this country for their spouses - and sometimes even pay to do so! I know friend of my father got what is referred to as a 'mail order bride'. And let's not forget how people within a country sometimes marry for the wrong reasons. I know the potential for fraud (at least theoretically) is higher when there's a difference in living standards between two countries, but it gets irritating when people assume that any USC (especially a woman) who marries someone from somewhere else - especially from a less affluent country - is automatically being duped and that the 'alien' (who came up with that?) is automatically a scammer. You should see the look of surprise when some people find out he has his 'green card' and hasn't left me.

By the way, just to mention - I wasn't looking for a relationship when I met my SO. I just wanted something to do when the kids were sleeping and my ex was out at night (I wasn't able to move out until after the divorce was finalized), so I talked with different people on the computer at night. He wasn't expecting to find someone either. But we found each other, and we're very happy.

We're just sick of people acting like we have to justify ourselves to them. And their attitudes speak even louder than their mouths.

Hello VenusFire503,

It is great to hear another successful story. Thank you for taking the time to share it with us. I agree that it must be frustrating to hear th stories from naysayers. No one has actually come out and said anything to me, but my Dad never askes how my husband is doing or contribue anything when I discuss him. My mom is so excited for me and loves him already. My church has done a prayor for his visa journey and are excited to have him as a member. People who know you will support you.

It has been put out that there are cases, what the signs are, and what to look for. I think everyone is prepared if that should be the case and have accepted that they same thing could happen with a relationsihp with someoen from the US.

Again thank you for the good news.

various people in the armed forces marry for the extra money monthly. It is not right, but it is done and that is by USC and the government is aware they just look the other way.

Missy's SO you are awsome. Thank you so much for your time. You are appreciated. I have several Nigerian friends here in America. Across america. I know several that are married for the GC and their wife do not have a clue. They are arranged by other Nigerian friends that sometimes make money from making the arrangement with someone (female party) they considere a friend. I also have a friend that owns a few Cyber Cafe's in Nigeria. I do not think I need to say more.
God Bless You!

Hmmmm my husband and I both owned a cyber cafe in Nigeria. Although I realize your inference of scams happening regularly there, we were very strict regarding the intent of the customer and the sites they browsed. Quite a few have been kicked out and banned permanently. Some got a good old fashioned preaching to, some by me some by him. One guy was in tears saying his father left his mother when he was young etc etc etc. Before the end of the evening we were helping him to write a letter to his father forgiving him. He begged forgiveness and swore off scamming. We never saw him again so who knows. Not all cyber cafe owners allow bullcrap in their place of business.


Also as for #3 FRIENDS: "...Every Nigerian that has completed a post secondary education would definitely have a girl friend except he wants you to believe otherwise. " This isn't necessarily true either. My husband was planning to become a priest when I met him. He believes a priest should stay pure before and after the vows. His friends who didn't know of me until I was in Nigeria facing them were very surprised I existed at all. They were sure he was going to die a virgin, he professed that to people in an attempt to encourage them to also remain chaste. He never expected to fall in love and get married but that was God's plan.

These points are sound advice for people. I'm not trying to prove you wrong or argue with you, just pointing out that there may be exceptions. It is scary to think about how much we give of ourselves and risk so much heartache. It's a noble thing to try to save others from such hurt.

AH, My husband often says to me. Honey, all the trusted cafe's were full today,sorry I did not write you.

My husband's family also owned a cyber cafe. He managed it, and was also very strict on his patrons. If a cafe owner knowingly allows fraudulent use of his business, he risks violent raids, and possible closure of the cafe.(the 419 law) My husband routinely banned people from his cafe when it was brought to his attention they were not using his equipment responsibly. His family worked hard to establish the business and would never risk its closure. But I am sure there were those who got past his radar...and dishonest people will always find a way to be evil! Its just important to remember that there are "good" people in this world who try to live life by doing the right thing. But then...we all kno this..right?...


God Bless

Okay so you know trhat I'm trying/working to save my marriage. Well I believe his 2 yr green card will expire in May '08, and I'm having a hard time helping him. I suggested to him to do some things and he didn't, results nothing to show togetherness for this process.

I love the comment about "having a green card and hasn't left me"........I think that is a universal myth that anyone who hasn't gone through the process uses. I've heard it so many times. I just smile and walk away.

And, #3 really hit home with me. I actually had someone say to me if any Jamaican man I met in Jamaica did not have a girlfriend, a wife, or a babymama, he had to be gay. The fact that my husband had none of those when I met him the fodder of this jokes.

When is it going to occur to people that everyone is different and you can not pigeon hole everyone into one category?

I don't know what to say. Does he not realize the importance of getting that paperwork in? Perhaps they can hit him with the RFE and see if that knocks any sense into him.

How are you doing with all of this?

Whoa .... keep your chin up, and keep focusing on #1 .... Y-O-U!

"Okay so you know trhat I'm trying/working to save my marriage. Well I believe his 2 yr green card will expire in May '08, and I'm having a hard time helping him. I suggested to him to do some things and he didn't, results nothing to show togetherness for this process."
[/quote]


I am sorry to hear about this as well. If your husband is not taking the necessary steps to improve your marriage as well as help with the removal of conditions I can see why you feel the way you do. What is he saying about not putting forth the effort in all aspects of the marriage? I don't have any advice to give except to agree with Boaz and say to take of you first. Best wishes to you.

He's a grown man. You gave him suggestions and he made a choice. Take a step away from taking care of him. It's our instinct to take care of people we love. But who's taking care of you? Refocus your energy on reclaiming your power and loving on yourself. Once you've strengthened yourself and your focus, God will show you what to do next. Faith.

I'm doing managing, thanks for asking. It's just I can't be a mother to another child. He has this thought that I will be upset if the paperwork is not done and he has to leave or something. That's not what I want, but I'm not trying to babysit forever either.



I'm managing, thanks for asking. It's just I can't be a mother to another child. He has this thought that I will be upset if the paperwork is not done and he has to leave or something. That's not what I want, but I'm not trying to babysit forever either.

Right now this all I know is to take care of me and my children from a previous marriage.




He is under the impression that I need to do the paperwork for him. Which I have no desire to do, right now. He sees nothing wrong with his lack of doing anything. So I have to show him what I mean versus continously telling him.

Thanks for the reminder, sometimes we just have to sit on down somewhere and let GOD do do his thing.

Glad read you girl. Stay blessed.

Thanks for sharing that.. i agree to you, there are some or rather say many "comical differences" that for you its not proper and for him it is, as the way he used to it, its ok to them... i agree with everything your wrote in here.... some , we take it as so very rude the kind of manner, but for him he didnt think it as rude and yet think it as ok... the bottom line is, talk about it and explain each other's side how do you view a certain differences you discovered with each other...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Stay srong and take care of yourself and your family!

My fiance HAD a girlfriend at one point, but didn't when I met him. And they don't all have girlfriends, and yet want you to believe otherwise. That may be true for scammers, but they ARE NOT ALL SCAMMERS!!!!!!!!!

That's really cool that your husband would encourage people to remain chaste. My SO has done so and so have I (our religion believes in complete chastity before marriage and complete fidelity after marriage). Anyway, it is possible to remain chaste.

I am a Nigeria and I speak the truth. Marrying a Nigerian man is very risky for a non-nigerian, especially if you are an american. 99.9% of Nigeria men marry American wife for the green card, that is the way it is and nothing can change that. Nigerians will do anything to come to america, even if it to sleep with a dog. Until they come here, they are very nice, some will even lick the sole of your feet, which by the way nigerian men dont do. Once they are here and they get their green card, then you will start seeing the changes. I am saying this as a warning to those that are not married yet to their nigerian boyfriends be careful, so they no what they are getting into. The devil you know is better than the saints you dont know, trust me.

For you, blah0323, I will say hang in there for as long as you can. Take care.

Not again..........please make it go awayyyyyyyyyyyy.

Sorry i just saw it but it is the truth and a warning to people. it might not be useful to you but it might be useful to somebody else. cheers

Beating a dead horse

LOL at Zee

It is ridiculous to generalize out of bitterness that ALL Nigerian men are bad. Every once in a while someone like you comes along
and the marriage falls apart and that makes all Nigerian men bad people with hidden motives ?

You are Nigerian and bad mouth all Nigerian men ? Be responsible and take ownership in who you have chosen.
What is the common denominator that makes it all bad ?
Check yourself before you claim such nonsense. The majority here has had it with generalizations like yours.

I suggest you go Nigerian bashing elsewhere, this is an immigration site where the goal is to join our loved ones.
If you have a story or warning to tell do not generalize and stick to talking about your own man.
It shows ignorance making prejudiced generalizations. The part about licking the soles of feet for a green card is demeaning.
It is not wanted here.

Its true.

Digging up these old posts does no good to no one. It is going to be the same cycle of "Nigerians are scammers. They are only in it for the green card. Be warned. Don't ever go there. Divorce them." bladdy bladdy yada yada.

While everyone's experience is different I think the generalizations need to stop. I am so freaking sick and tired of reading this BS. Yes, it is BS. I am not Nigerian, but I am pretty sure that there are successful Nigerian/American marriges out there. Everyone's situation is different. Feel free to speak of your own experiences, they are more than welcome. But the generalizations are not necessary.

Sorry my dear, i tot we share everything but i see people like you want to be blind to the truth. dont get me wrong i didn't say all nigerian men, i said 99.9%. I am talking about nigerian men becos i know them. you dont hear my talking about other african men, do you? If an american is married to a nigerian man and it is going well count yourself lucky. the truth is that not everyone is lucky and we have to face it. i dont intend to break anybody relationship, i dont have anything to gain, trust me. omoba, u make me laugh.

Glad I could deliver a laugh your way but being a prejudice person is not a laughing matter but quiet sad. I feel sorry for your
mentality. 99.9% ..... again you are showing your ignorance.

I am not your dear, my name is Omoba to you.

I see you have problems, big ones, my dear. so I am going to leave you alone to go handle them instead of taking it out on me. Bye

I am telling you to stop disrespecting people with Nigerian husbands and fiances here on this immigration board.

Which one of us has a problem here is obvious.

I didn't start the topic. I just commented on what others said. I am not being disrespectful. I dont go and call a thing red when it is not becos i am trying to be nice. When people with Nigerian husband and boyfriends see my posting I want to be careful, there are good nigerian men but the bad ones are more and american women are their targets.

[quote name='Elohor' date='Feb 13 2008, 10:23 PM' post='1580864']
I am a Nigeria and I speak the truth. Marrying a Nigerian man is very risky for a non-nigerian, especially if you are an american. 99.9% of Nigeria men marry American wife for the green card, that is the way it is and nothing can change that. Nigerians will do anything to come to america, even if it to sleep with a dog. Until they come here, they are very nice, some will even lick the sole of your feet, which by the way nigerian men dont do. Once they are here and they get their green card, then you will start seeing the changes. I am saying this as a warning to those that are not married yet to their nigerian boyfriends be careful, so they no what they are getting into. The devil you know is better than the saints you dont know, trust me.








Sleep with a dog and lick the soles of feet for a green card is what 99.9% do.......................that is what you have said and you can't back paddle yourself out of it. That statement disgusts me.

Sorry, I meant no disrespect.

[quote name='Elohor' date='Feb 13 2008, 07:23 PM' post='1580864']
I am a Nigeria and I speak the truth. Marrying a Nigerian man is very risky for a non-nigerian, especially if you are an american. 99.9% of Nigeria men marry American wife for the green card, that is the way it is and nothing can change that. Nigerians will do anything to come to america, even if it to sleep with a dog. Until they come here, they are very nice, some will even lick the sole of your feet, which by the way nigerian men dont do. Once they are here and they get their green card, then you will start seeing the changes. I am saying this as a warning to those that are not married yet to their nigerian boyfriends be careful, so they no what they are getting into. The devil you know is better than the saints you dont know, trust me.




Again with your negativity??? You should not speak so disrespectfully about your countrymen. Remember where you come from, your father is a Nigerian Man. And refering to American Women as dogs is really out of line. You have some unresolved issues, and you need to get some perspective about life. Please stop making enemies here this forum can be very helpful.

God Bless

Sorry, I meant no disrespect.

No! I didn't say anything like this. "And refering to American Women as dogs is really out of line" Pls dont get me wrong.

Ok ........... Peace !

"Nigerians will do anything to come to america, even if it to sleep with a dog."

that is what you said, how are we to interpret that???

I am not going to rehash this, let it go.

God Bless