For a while I decided to keep my thoughts and comments to myself regarding this post. It appeared as though whenever I made the statement "keep your third eye open", etc. comments with regards to 'why are you with your husband', or 'I would never do that' and even 'maybe you have some insecurities within yourself' filled the message board. Initially I was going to make replies regarding individuals being 'naive' on life matters. But I did not want to put it in print, because the intent is not to try and hurt anyone's feelings, nor did I want to come across as defensive. I just simply summed up as - maybe I'm not explaining myself very well. However, when I started to read Besangin's comments it helped me to formulate some feedback of my own.

So far so good, I can honestly say that I have been blessed with a good husband. Next month will be two years since his arrival. They were not the easiest years, nor were they close to being aweful. Something that has worked for me has been to always be aware of what's going on (Keeping my third eye open). It does not mean that my husband had (or does have) the intentions of trying to hurt me in anyway, but it did make him aware that I was not going to be 'played for a fool'. In the meantime, it helped me to eventually understand the heart of my husband.

In the midst of my husband waiting for his EAD, he eventually enrolled in a CNA Certification course at our community college. The course lasted one month, and he attended classes M-F. Two weeks into the class my husband started talking on the phone with a young lady he had met in the class. It did not bother me that he had a friend (besides, at the time I was the only person he knew here). However, I started having issues with the fact that whenever she called, and I would answer my husband's cell phone she would hang up, and when she did ask to speak to him she never acknowledged my presence. I told my husband that I considered this to be very rude behavior. His reply was pretty much, she does not mean anything by it.

In the midst of all of this I pulled up our cell phone records and saw that she was calling him almost everyday during a two week period (remember .... they just met). Knowing how nice and very naive my husband can me (seriously, this man truely has a heart of gold), and also knowing the mentality of some of the women in the town in which we live, I knew I had to step up my game. One afternoon she called again not knowing that I had my husband's cell phone with me (waiting for her call). She hung up, then I called her back. (NOTE: I know you are not to approach the 'other' women, but instead you need to approach 'your man'). I politely introduced myself, and said that I noticed that she and my husband had been communicating a lot. So I asked her if there was something going on, she said no. I asked was she in need of anything (my husband had already told me that she had a toddler), she said 'no'. So I then said to her 'well if there is nothing going on between you and my husband, and you are not in need of anything from us, I take it that this would be the last time you call me husband!'. She said 'OK". About an hour later the hefa had the nerve to call back, and say to me 'I was thinking about what you said, and I want you to know that he is my friend, and I can call him whenever I feel like it.' Because I was at work, I politely/professionaly said to her "OK", then I hung up.

WHEN I GOT HOME ........ I shared with my husband the conversations that had taken place, as well as my findings with regards to the cell phone calls. My husband was very strong in his behavior with regards to trying to convince me that she was just a class mate, and that he hardly knows her. I sat my husband down, and explained to him that that type of 'friendship' is not appropriate for a 'married' man. Besides, if she is 'his' friend, then why is she not 'my friend.'? During this 'hour of power' I shared with my husband the last conversation in which his classmate said to me that she could call him whenever she felt like it. Initially my husband was in disbelief that his classmate would say such. That was when I flipped and told him to 'get out'. I was absolute, positively, NOT going to deal with this type of drama in my life. I have been single, and independent for a long time, and AIN't nobody going to take away my peace of mind. So .... leave! Immediately my husband grabbed the phone from me, called his classmate, put her on the speaker phone, and point blank told her to "NEVER disrespect my wife again. As a matter of fact, don't ever talk to me again, NEVER".

You see - in my situation I believe that had I not 'kept my third eye open', my naive, kind, good looking, sensitive husband would have started to open the door to trouble. I do believe that my husband's intentions were good, but like I said - I know the mentality of some of the women in this town. In her case, she found someone who was attractive, nice and lives in a good neighborhood. Hmmm .... perhaps a new 'uncle' for her baby .....sorry - that was not nice. But anyway - believe it or not, my husband and I experienced one other situation similar to this several months later. However, he quickly learned a very valuable lesson - if she is not my wife's friend, she's not my friend either. In addition, we also learned that the 'approach' to things speaks volumes. For example, only communicating when I'm not around, easily sends the wrong message to both the other person as well as to me.

I am NOT saying to track each and everything your husband does. But as mentioned by someone else - when things don't add up - question it! Stop believing 'oh my sweet husband would never do such a thing'. Sometimes it ain't your husband you need to worry about. Except that in my case - my husband was too naive, and trusting to realize that he was about to walk into a wall; sorry - but temptation is a real thing! Had I not 'kept my 3rd eye open' things would have continued to manifest, and I probably would not be here today to tell my story. It's like rearing a child, you don't let them go around misbehaving without correcting their behavior. Otherwise, they think that it's OK. I know my husband is from a different culture background. I know of some of the practices that are a part of his history. But because we did not have the typical courtship of going out every weekend, and spending time with each other for months and months, I needed to learn his thoughts on matters, just as easily as he had to learn mine.

Sorry, but I just believe in nipping things in the butt immediately. Don't give it time to grow or festure. Now when we are out and about, and he runs into anyone he knows (male or female) that I don't know .... he quickly finds me, and introduces me as his 'right hand'.

Love your man, nuture and support him in all the things that are good for the two of you. But when two and two does not add up to four ... ask questions. Make it known that things do not appear to be 'right'. If nothing is going on, he should have no problem with making things clear. And as Besangin stated - when he starts to have a seizure when you ask him a question - dial 9-1-1.

All that I've said is only with the best of intentions - peace, love and prosperity - while keeping your 3rd eye open!

Boaz

I would like to start and topic within a topic. I think maybe it will be helpful to understand what people can or cannot live with. Of course I will go first.

What would be a source of concern for you or what are the top 3 things you would not tolerate from your mate?


1) LYING- It was a MAJOR concern and issue. I hate liars and my EX had a PHd in it! I tolerated it because I thought it was a phase he was going through. When I was starting to take on that characteristic to cover up how terrible he was as a husband and the real condition of our marriage, I knew I had to take action so I went to the laundromat when I was tired of the brown stains everywhere!

2)SECRACY-It was a major concern and issue. He was a BROKE 007 with NO GAME. He was ALWAYS getting busted with his dirt. Then he would use his PHd to try tocover it up or excuse it. Again I thought it was a phase and I tolerated it til word started getting back to me that they saw my EX husband with another woman. I took control of the issue and I pursued divorce preceedings.

3)SELFISHNESS- It was a MAJOR issue and concern. First I was ok, because I was giving him things and I thought it was encouraging to him to have nice things. It made me happy to see him happy. But when he threw the biggest fit because HE lost his part time job and we didn't have the extra money to send money home for his son and mom and still get his new 600.00 wardrobe out of the layaway. He did not want to wait until after Christmas to get it so his mom and son did without at Christmas time. I knew that wasn't a phase. But I stopped letting him spend all of my money on the bills while he bought new clothes and opened up a personal savings account for himself. He went to the gas station to fill up on my account and they told him DECLINED!!!!! Welcome to America, SIr. Didn't you read the tourist guide? DON"T SCREW WITH A WOMAN"S MONEY!!!!!!! I tolerated it until I got the first threat that they were going to foreclose on my house. AWWW HELL NAW. You got's to go, PARTNER!!!!! God has been spankin' his A$$ every since he left, and I have not been praying for bad luck to befall him. I guess God REALLY don't like ugly!!!

Those are my top 3. What are yours?

WOW. I didn't think I would find a person on this site to get real and stop with all the Cinderella stories! You tell it like it is. ( Sorry that you had to go thru the drama to see the light) And I think it can be applied to just about everyone on this site. Even if they thry try to deny it. Cause when everyone's SO get's here sooner or later the honeymoon will be over and the "real" world will slap us all in the face. And we can all be prepared for it or run and hide with a sheet over our heads!!! I choose to be prepared. I have all ready started to "check" myself. Stopping thoughts of just buying him up clothes and everything else I thought he would need before he got here! (He is not a foster child that I am trying to make feel they are loved, safe and feel happy in the "new parents" house.) He is a grown man and should be treated as such. Hell I would not do it for any other man right?? Just because that is what my parents do to show me love is not what I should do to show love to him!! Just had a moment of clarity and thought I would share that. lol ....
... Anyway just wanted you to know that your posts got me to thinking I need to stop making excuses and treating him like a special quasi-god from another country and treat him like he is... A MAN!!!! And of course one I love. So I am taking off the blinders and opening my eyes!!!! And start being emotionally supportive and not as financaly supportive. I will keep the love flowing not the money!!!LOL

This topic it strait up serious!!!

We have two groups here...the befores and the afters.

The befores are all still basking in the glow of love
The afters and seen the light and sometimes it aint pretty

Some of you are shocked at the thought of spying on your SO, in my "before time" I would have thought so too, that I would not want someone to do that to me.

Now is my "after time" and I see how trust can fade, and how the spying game may begin.
(whatever you need to do to keep your third eye open)

I too am married to a Nigerian Man, I too knew him for several years before we married, traveled to see him many times. You dont know someone untill you live with them. I dont care who you are or how strong you think your bond is. Shiet Happens and you will be shocked and jaw dropped when it does... hear your self saying " Not my man" oh yes honey your man.
Read Read Read Sisters there are MANY simularities in these stories...chat rooms, internet, secretive, lies (however trival they may seem, baby, those are LIES), odd out of the "norm for him" behavior...need I go on?

I hear an echo " NOT MY MAN"

I love my husband just like all of the rest of these wives of Nigerian Husbands. But I am also looking at everyones experiences and learning, taking notes. The cultural difference gaps are MUCH bigger that we all think, we need some big bridges sisters to understand what in the heck just happened???

Dont expect your American friends and or family to get it, they dont and they wont, they want to make him a cookie cutter American however good thier intentions may be.

Can all of this strange behavior that so many of us have commonly shared be cultural differences? I believe so YES YES YES I do.

READ READ READ Sisters and silently take notes and wait for your "before time" to become "after time" and use your "third eyes" (however you determine that is) so watch and see what may or may not happen.

Prepare yourselves, marriage is a series of ups and downs and TESTS, you would not go to an exam unprepared... would you?

Are there people here who feel that this topic/forum is an "ugly argument"? I hope there aren't cause I thought it was healthy discussion. If there are, please speak up, cause I think we should keep this forum open to everyone's ideas, thoughts and opinions. We won't ever agree on everything and shouldn't expect to, but no one should feel that they can't participate. If you choose, not to participate, that's another beast, but no one should feel that they can't participate.

Hi Ladies,

I enjoyed reading all the things that was posted here. Firstly, let me encourage my sister with the word of God. The bible asked us to bear one another burden. The bible says that whoever that is spiritual let him or her restore the other person in the spirit of meekness. I don't encourage sin. I felt so bad to hear what your husband is doing. I want to encourage you and ask you to take it to God in prayer. Pray and fight for his soul and not only for your marriage. Sometimes we want to see our husband or wife change or try to do it by ourselves. It's only God that can change a person. The parable of the prodigal son will be a good example here. This young man had everything as you all has provided for your husband on their arrival and only to see the dark side of the man. The prodigal son father didn't try to change him but rather he gave him what belongs to him and he wasted it and then he came to his senses. That was God there working in this young man's life at his lowest point. Then when he came home he was already changed by God. The only thing that the father did was to welcome him.

Let God change the man's heart then you will see a changed person. There are a lot of temptations here in the States for men. Lets be real.

1. How many marriages are having problems here in the States?
2. What's the rate of international marriage here in the State?
3.Why are some of the ladies turning outside the States for a genuine love and a lasting relationship?

I'm really tired now because of my work schedule. I will answer all these questions and I will begin to unmask all the fraud, lies and games in order to come to the States and get Green Card by some African men.

Is there any answer to all the difficults in marriage and inter cultural marriage? The answer is yes. God is the answer. I will write soon and help the ladies to check the man that they are trying to bring over here. I'm tired of all this bad stories from my African brothers. I'm an African born and raised in Nigeria. I have lived in almost all the parts or tribes in Nigeria. I understand my people and as a man I will give you ladies the secret keys that unlock a true love and a fake one. I will help some of you ladies to check your hearts, motives and help you come up with a real thing when dealing with any African man.

As a disciple of Jesus Christ, it is my responsibility to help you ladies avoid some traps and help those who are in it to overcome every challenges or difficults and hurts.

Once again there are real people out there. My wife will never regret getting married to me. I told her the first time that I met her that she is bless. I know my heart and I am 100% committed to my wife, kids and marriage. I put God first in my life and marriage before my wife or any other thing. This is the only key that I will share today. If a man is not 100% committed to God he will not be committed to you either.

Keep your eyes out here for my coming post on this site. It's time for a godly man to stand out and defend other people that are real.

May you all abide and continue in God's Love

Yours in the Lord Blessing

Brother Francis

I've been thinking about Boaz's post and examples from her life. I appreciate what they showed and hesitate with the idea that you can go to far when you are looking at phone logs and setting up spy equipment on your computer. It seems like it should be common sense that if a woman calls your home for your husband and hangs up at the sound of your voice, that there's a problem that needs to be addressed. But how do you check yourself from going to far? If you're married to a good man, who's being open and honest with you, how do you stop yourself from turning a crazy chick's actions into blame and focus on everything your husband does as somehow being dishonest. "He shouldn't talk to friends at home often because he's homesick." "He shouldn't be online too often." Does that mean the same for you? Do you not speak to friends and family? Do you not use the online function on the computer without a timer set up because of what it "could" convey? I have an example.

My husband has a cousin that lives in Missouri. He is married to an American woman who happens to be older and was in an abusive marriage previously. I've spoken to her several times. When Bassi announced our engagement, I became "family". His cousin would call me to see if I needed anything. I thought that was sweet. They're culture is definitely more family oriented in action than ours is. The conversations were generally 10-15 minutes long, if that much. He was basically checking in on me and I think Bassi probably asked him to. During that time, he told her and several times when he called me, he would give her the phone to talk with me as well. And talk about them both coming to visit me in NY and stuff like that. I'd ask her questions about the immigration process, and marrying into the family as a woman and as an american. She always spoke freely to me. I didn't know there was a problem. Until I called one day because Bassi asked me to get his cousin to call him for something, or email him something. Can't remember. I spoke with her and asked her to tell Yussif to call me when he has a chance. She freaked out. Why are you calling my husband? Who the hell do you think you are? Don't call this house again! Called me all kinds of names and accused me of not pleasant things. I was thoroughly confused. I have spoken with her many times, she knows that I'm engaged to his cousin....why the sudden craziness? I obviously don't call the house anymore. Yussif called me and told me to call his cell phone, that she has been upset since he started school about the fact that they have less time together. So he's trying to work things through with her, but wants to be there for family. I told him no. I said, take care of your immediate family and don't worry about me. I've been fine and I will be fine. Yussif had a wife in Ghana that cheated on him and ran away to Togo and left him and their baby girl. He has experienced the pain of a broken relationship. He wants this marriage to work and has left his daughter in Ghana because of it. He's focusing on making the marriage healthy. But this woman is broken and still looking and inventing problems. I don't want to be like that. My ex husband thought he could break me. I remember him telling me that I need to get used to how it is and stop wanting a better life cause I'll always be alone. I cried and cried and then God whispered in that still small voice and told me to look for HIM and he would give me everything I needed and more. I walked away from that relationship broken, but I've healed. It took a long time for me to heal but I'm there. I've moved on. But despite having to call the police on him, having to call large male cousins to get him out of my house, having to change all my personal information cause he started using my identity, having to go into a year of therapy....despite all the drama. I am healed. And I am capable of trusting now. I don't think all men are like him. I don't think all men from Corona, Queens are like him, I don't go into a relationship looking, searching and finally inventing problems. I understand exercising common sense in a relationship and not losing yourself. But I really, truly think that you can go too far in "protecting" yourself. And that doesn't have anything to do with naivete, innocence or the "before glow".

ON a serious note, I see a lot of postings about God changing a person's heart. I say person because it applies to men and women. I may be wrong but I get the feeling that some really feel the He literally changes a heart. I disagree greatly with that in the literal sense. God is consistant in ALL that He does and that includes His gift of free choice to us. God will put a person in every conceivable situation in an attempt to help us realize the error of our ways and come back to Him, but He still gives us the choice to change or remain in the sin. Look at Job, we all know the story. All through it Job had a choice to curse God or praise Him. Its the same with us. So when I was going through my drama, I prayed for God to show him his heart. Help him to see what he was doing so he could change. I prayed and had people pray fervently for us, and even though we didn't work, I couldn't blame God because He didn't "change" him. God was working but, my EX either was not ready to change his heart, or he didn't believe that he had a problem. Don't be afraid to pray for God to discipline our loved ones, because we need it sometimes. (Some all the time. Idocare with that downtown thing!!!!!!!!!! KIDDING) And I am not directly quoting but He says he disciplines those He loves like we discipline our own children to correct them. SO if you or him is cuttin' up, get on your knees tonight and ask God to give you a spankin' 'cause you ain't right!!!! PEACE OUT!!!!!

I've been thinking about Boaz's post and examples from her life. I appreciate what they showed and hesitate with the idea that you can go to far when you are looking at phone logs and setting up spy equipment on your computer. It seems like it should be common sense that if a woman calls your home for your husband and hangs up at the sound of your voice, that there's a problem that needs to be addressed. But how do you check yourself from going to far? If you're married to a good man, who's being open and honest with you, how do you stop yourself from turning a crazy chick's actions into blame and focus on everything your husband does as somehow being dishonest. "He shouldn't talk to friends at home often because he's homesick." "He shouldn't be online too often." Does that mean the same for you? Do you not speak to friends and family? Do you not use the online function on the computer without a timer set up because of what it "could" convey? I have an example.

My husband has a cousin that lives in Missouri. He is married to an American woman who happens to be older and was in an abusive marriage previously. I've spoken to her several times. When Bassi announced our engagement, I became "family". His cousin would call me to see if I needed anything. I thought that was sweet. They're culture is definitely more family oriented in action than ours is. The conversations were generally 10-15 minutes long, if that much. He was basically checking in on me and I think Bassi probably asked him to. During that time, he told her and several times when he called me, he would give her the phone to talk with me as well. And talk about them both coming to visit me in NY and stuff like that. I'd ask her questions about the immigration process, and marrying into the family as a woman and as an american. She always spoke freely to me. I didn't know there was a problem. Until I called one day because Bassi asked me to get his cousin to call him for something, or email him something. Can't remember. I spoke with her and asked her to tell Yussif to call me when he has a chance. She freaked out. Why are you calling my husband? Who the hell do you think you are? Don't call this house again! Called me all kinds of names and accused me of not pleasant things. I was thoroughly confused. I have spoken with her many times, she knows that I'm engaged to his cousin....why the sudden craziness? I obviously don't call the house anymore. Yussif called me and told me to call his cell phone, that she has been upset since he started school about the fact that they have less time together. So he's trying to work things through with her, but wants to be there for family. I told him no. I said, take care of your immediate family and don't worry about me. I've been fine and I will be fine. Yussif had a wife in Ghana that cheated on him and ran away to Togo and left him and their baby girl. He has experienced the pain of a broken relationship. He wants this marriage to work and has left his daughter in Ghana because of it. He's focusing on making the marriage healthy. But this woman is broken and still looking and inventing problems. I don't want to be like that. My ex husband thought he could break me. I remember him telling me that I need to get used to how it is and stop wanting a better life cause I'll always be alone. I cried and cried and then God whispered in that still small voice and told me to look for HIM and he would give me everything I needed and more. I walked away from that relationship broken, but I've healed. It took a long time for me to heal but I'm there. I've moved on. But despite having to call the police on him, having to call large male cousins to get him out of my house, having to change all my personal information cause he started using my identity, having to go into a year of therapy....despite all the drama. I am healed. And I am capable of trusting now. I don't think all men are like him. I don't think all men from Corona, Queens are like him, I don't go into a relationship looking, searching and finally inventing problems. I understand exercising common sense in a relationship and not losing yourself. But I really, truly think that you can go too far in "protecting" yourself. And that doesn't have anything to do with naivete, innocence or the "before glow".

I agree with what your saying. I think there are "common sense" things that happen in a relationship that put your radar up. That common sense I do not call my third eye....its common sense...nothing more nothing less. So yes, if a woman friend was calling my husband and hanging up on me well...we all know what that means...I don't need to get suspicious its common sense to know that something is up with her.

I guess I am a before person too....but I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a before person....I have the rest of my life to be the after person. So why not enjoy the before time while I have it. I still have realistic expectations of my marriage and know that its not some cinderella fairy tale, but that doesn't mean that I'm gonna start focusing on the 'future' problems that I may have to encounter later. So all I do is try to stay grounded. I think my husband will have a harder time dealing with the "realistic" life of marriage because he already is less exposed to many things in life than I have been. BUt we communicate about this and also seek God in helping us along the way.

I've been thinking about Boaz's post and examples from her life. I appreciate what they showed and hesitate with the idea that you can go to far when you are looking at phone logs and setting up spy equipment on your computer. It seems like it should be common sense that if a woman calls your home for your husband and hangs up at the sound of your voice, that there's a problem that needs to be addressed. But how do you check yourself from going to far? If you're married to a good man, who's being open and honest with you, how do you stop yourself from turning a crazy chick's actions into blame and focus on everything your husband does as somehow being dishonest. "He shouldn't talk to friends at home often because he's homesick." "He shouldn't be online too often." Does that mean the same for you? Do you not speak to friends and family? Do you not use the online function on the computer without a timer set up because of what it "could" convey? I have an example.

My husband has a cousin that lives in Missouri. He is married to an American woman who happens to be older and was in an abusive marriage previously. I've spoken to her several times. When Bassi announced our engagement, I became "family". His cousin would call me to see if I needed anything. I thought that was sweet. They're culture is definitely more family oriented in action than ours is. The conversations were generally 10-15 minutes long, if that much. He was basically checking in on me and I think Bassi probably asked him to. During that time, he told her and several times when he called me, he would give her the phone to talk with me as well. And talk about them both coming to visit me in NY and stuff like that. I'd ask her questions about the immigration process, and marrying into the family as a woman and as an american. She always spoke freely to me. I didn't know there was a problem. Until I called one day because Bassi asked me to get his cousin to call him for something, or email him something. Can't remember. I spoke with her and asked her to tell Yussif to call me when he has a chance. She freaked out. Why are you calling my husband? Who the hell do you think you are? Don't call this house again! Called me all kinds of names and accused me of not pleasant things. I was thoroughly confused. I have spoken with her many times, she knows that I'm engaged to his cousin....why the sudden craziness? I obviously don't call the house anymore. Yussif called me and told me to call his cell phone, that she has been upset since he started school about the fact that they have less time together. So he's trying to work things through with her, but wants to be there for family. I told him no. I said, take care of your immediate family and don't worry about me. I've been fine and I will be fine. Yussif had a wife in Ghana that cheated on him and ran away to Togo and left him and their baby girl. He has experienced the pain of a broken relationship. He wants this marriage to work and has left his daughter in Ghana because of it. He's focusing on making the marriage healthy. But this woman is broken and still looking and inventing problems. I don't want to be like that. My ex husband thought he could break me. I remember him telling me that I need to get used to how it is and stop wanting a better life cause I'll always be alone. I cried and cried and then God whispered in that still small voice and told me to look for HIM and he would give me everything I needed and more. I walked away from that relationship broken, but I've healed. It took a long time for me to heal but I'm there. I've moved on. But despite having to call the police on him, having to call large male cousins to get him out of my house, having to change all my personal information cause he started using my identity, having to go into a year of therapy....despite all the drama. I am healed. And I am capable of trusting now. I don't think all men are like him. I don't think all men from Corona, Queens are like him, I don't go into a relationship looking, searching and finally inventing problems. I understand exercising common sense in a relationship and not losing yourself. But I really, truly think that you can go too far in "protecting" yourself. And that doesn't have anything to do with naivete, innocence or the "before glow".

Did I miss something? I have yet to read anything about Nigerian men being bashed in this thread. I have read people posting their experiences which is their reality. I have seen posts that deal with relationships foreign and domestic, men and women. The one thing that is a major and undeniable commonality is that the SO's are of African decent. Now if your post was aimed at me about bashing and blaming, please go back and reread, my dear. I have clearly and without hesitation owned my responsibility for my failed marriage, but I am not going to lessen what he did either. As for your question as to what would we do for our foreign mates. At one point I was willing to do anything to save my marriage, but I could not do it alone. If he didn't want it I couldn't and was not going to hold a gun to his head. Comparing a relationship between a foreign and domestic relationship with a couple in like situations is not a fair or wise comaprison to make. Because there ARE added circumstances that are added to that relationship melding 2 different personalities, cultures, and worldviews. Now I do agree that we cheat ourselves when we do not adequately prepare as much as possible to learn what we are getting into, ie the culture and traditions, the financial strain on relationships, where they will reside, how the family will be lead spirirually. Those things need to be disscussed, understood and settled long before you make the commitment to be husband and wife, therefore you know ahead of time if it is a price you can or are willing to pay. I know I did not do all of the above and that is why I could not bash or blame my EX for everything, but talk about the foolish things he did, oh yeah I am going to talk about it if it will help someone else here recognize it and deal with it in their own relationship. Is that not why this thread was started in the first place to put out the good and the bad of relationships and tools to help others salvage what I personally could not in mine? I have always said, take what you can use from what I post, and if does not apply to you... then KEEP IT MOVING!! Congratulations on your citizenship and your successful marriage. I applaud anyone who makes it work, because it is not easy and many fail.

Lemme ask a question here....

Does everyone's fiance/spouses know about this (VJ) website, and are they reading all these posts?

Lemme ask a question here....

Does everyone's fiance/spouses know about this (VJ) website, and are they reading all these posts?

Cuz my husband goes on here everyday and is chomping at the bit to defend himself not only as a Nigerian, but as a man! Although he admits Naija has a bad rep for scammers, both green card seekers, and otherwise (identity theft,credit card,email fraud etc.) he still strongly argues that it is character and not culture that makes these men behave badly. He estimates that only about 3 African men out of 10,000 is NOT involved in some kind of fraud or scam at sometime in their life! He says those without integrity, morals, profound thought, and a strong faith in God are the ones who lie, cheat and deceive. And these kind of people exist everywhere in the world. These are things taught (or not taught) and/or instilled from family as children, and then as we go thru life as adults these values are tested. Many of us fail, but many of us persevere and become well-adjusted, loving human beings.

We both believe that ones culture, whether lavish or poverty-stricken, CAN affect the development of ones character, but in the end it is only the weak and ignorant who CHOOSE to turn away from God and live a life of sin.

Just like we have people here in the US who are ruthless, materialistic, selfish, greedy and dishonest...so does Nigeria and every other country. It's just that here it is in our face everyday, and even considered acceptable in many ways. We have gangs, drug-dealers, criminals, and low-lifes here who are in many ways doing the same thing that the scammers are doing...trying to feed and clothe their families, or "come up" or make easy money, in a poverty-stricken society. Not saying its right, or just, in any culture to do this...but its happening everywhere in the world.

I think that the reason these "romance" scammers affect us women so much is because we have developed into strong, confident and self-supporting women over the years. We have careers, homes and our own money. But we are still emotional beings. We still love hard and wear our hearts on our sleeve. So to be taken for a ride both financially and emotionally is a tough cross to bear. We want to blame it on everything and everyone but ourselves most of the time. I bet that 9 out of 10 times there were "red flags" popping up left and right with our men (foreign or american) but either we chose not to see them, we were in denial that they were happening, or we explained them away. And really that is what women do. We naturally love unconditionally, as nurturers.

What we have to do is learn from each mistake we make, and use the experience to never make that mistake again. Each time we get stronger and stronger, and soon...with time, maturity, and life expereince we figure out who we are, what we want, and that we deserve to be happy. And with God as our guide we can survive anything that comes our way with faith and prayer.

None of us should feel ashamed or feel as if we failed if our marriage turns out to not be what we had thought or hoped. The experience was the path that God had choosen for us at that moment in time. All paths lead to enlightenment. Everything we experience and every choice we make is for a purpose in God's eye. Its his plan for us. As long as u are living a life of integrity, kindness and love, God will see u thru.

I wish all of us a happy, healthy, and wonderful journey with our husbands. I hope we can always come here to VJ for encouragement and support no matter how each of our journeys end.

GOD BLESS EVERYONE AND HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

So what is your specialty?

I cook american food, west indian food and spanish food. I love spanish food so I cook that the most. I'll probably cook more west indian food when Bassi is here cause it's close to african food in terms of ingredients and heat. But the reality is I'll be cooking more cause I'll cook for him and my daughter separately. Bassi loves spicy food. I had some fufu and lamb stew and thought I was dying. Tears running down my face, choking and coughing, I couldn't breathe. Lordy! That food was tooooo spicy for me. Reminds me of my mother's jerk....he's gonna love her cooking! He'll abide by my cooking and I'll have to make some pepper sauce for him. Hey, any of my west indian sisters got a good recipe for pepper sauce. When I'm in Ghana his friends make fun of him and say he always has a belly by the time I leave. Food is love, right?

Dangggggggggggggg Zainab,

Hook me up with some of those West Indian recipes!!!!! Although I'm single now, I don't plan to stay that way!

So what is your specialty?

I grew up with friends from all over the world so I can cook Indian, Arab, American, South African, Mexican, Italian and Ghanaian food. My absolute fave is Ghanaian food though My sister just came to visit me this past weekend and I cooked up a storm so she took some food back home with her (she does not like to cook ).

Sounds like you got mad skills like the Iron Chefs, Girl!!!! You can send your recipes my way too. I made a seven up cake yesterday that is like... WHOA!!!! Peach cobbler like WHOA, now I'm in trouble because they won't stop calling my name while I'm trying to watch the new TV!!!!! The sacrifices one must make!!! Wait a minute, I'm commin'!!!!!

Girl you know I'm tellin' the truth, and folks may hate on me but they know I'm tellin' the truth too! Even about the DING DING!!!! OOOOOOO It's getting HOT in here!!!!!!!

Did -I- say- that?