Wife has not slept in same bed since arrival 2 years ago, need male and female opinions.

[stedye 11]

Hi Dear Forum members 

 

I hope all of you much success on your Visa Journey , in your relationship and eventual unions.

 

My journey started over 4 years ago and this Forum was an invaluable resource to helping me successfully bring my wife here on a CR1 - marriage visa from the Bulacan province.  We got married there and it took  almost 2 years  because of a lung ailment that had to clear up.

 

Not sure if this is correct Forum placement, but, I am at a serious crossroads.  My wife has not slept with me since arriving, avoids having sex and shys away from all intimacy such as kissing, hugging , hand holding, and massages . We did all of the above in the Philippines before we married , yet, since her arrival here she does not want to discuss the issue, and says when we purchase a firmer mattress  ( on the agenda for a spring purchase) . Two weeks after her arrival I yelled at her on why are you still sleeping in the living room ? She says that from that time she put up a wall that times time to pull down.  Do you believe after almost 2 years of my being kind - loving- patient and not yelling at her since Dec 2016 that this is justified or reasonable to continue denying her husband physical pleasure? I am a very fit, handsome  ( according to others ) 56 year old and she is 32 years old sleeps with stuffed animals and covers up in a Betty Boop blanket. She locks the bathroom when she goes in to use it , rarely talks to me at home and does not want to go for counseling.  Is it worth it to continue ? Is she playing games? Would you continue in this type of marriage , or, let it go ? Interested in your wisdom - feedback and insight.

[Ischnura 285]

 Hey, don't knock the blanket thing, I'm 30 and like comfort. . . though mine has wolves on. Betty Boop is awesome. The bathroom door thing is an each to their own thing, some people don't want to be seen on the loo by anybody, boundaries and all. 

 

 But she's slept on the sofa for two whole years and barely speaks to you? That sounds more like a house guest, or even a stranger, to me. I can't say anything to if she's playing games or anything of the like but you need to ask yourself after two years of making an effort and she still sleeps on the sofa like you've had a big fight do you really want to keep on trying? If she really can't be bothered making even the slightest amount of effort then why should you keep on? Time to think of yourself in this situation. Maybe file for divorce, book her a ticket home, and tell her what you're doing. There's a good chance she'll try to convince you not to but after 2 years you're kinda passed the stage of trying to find her groups of friends to talk to, set her up with hobbies she's interested in, help her work if she wanted to, helping her keep in touch with family back home etc etc. 

 

 I personally wouldn't have stuck it out with someone who didn't even want to try. We all go through adjustment periods, we all get stressed out and homesick. But that's a tad too long to give your spouse the silent treatment. Makes me wonder why she even got in to the marriage in the first place if this was her plan. . . what's the end game?

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

23 minutes ago, stedye said:

Hi Dear Forum members 

 

I hope all of you much success on your Visa Journey , in your relationship and eventual unions.

 

My journey started over 4 years ago and this Forum was an invaluable resource to helping me successfully bring my wife here on a CR1 - marriage visa from the Bulacan province.  We got married there and it took  almost 2 years  because of a lung ailment that had to clear up.

 

Not sure if this is correct Forum placement, but, I am at a serious crossroads.  My wife has not slept with me since arriving, avoids having sex and shys away from all intimacy such as kissing, hugging , hand holding, and massages . We did all of the above in the Philippines before we married , yet, since her arrival here she does not want to discuss the issue, and says when we purchase a firmer mattress  ( on the agenda for a spring purchase) . Two weeks after her arrival I yelled at her on why are you still sleeping in the living room ? She says that from that time she put up a wall that times time to pull down.  Do you believe after almost 2 years of my being kind - loving- patient and not yelling at her since Dec 2016 that this is justified or reasonable to continue denying her husband physical pleasure? I am a very fit, handsome  ( according to others ) 56 year old and she is 32 years old sleeps with stuffed animals and covers up in a Betty Boop blanket. She locks the bathroom when she goes in to use it , rarely talks to me at home and does not want to go for counseling.  Is it worth it to continue ? Is she playing games? Would you continue in this type of marriage , or, let it go ? Interested in your wisdom - feedback and insight.

Honestly from a guy perspective and one that has been on here for many years it sounds like a classic case of you being used to bring her to the USA. I know we are only hearing your side of the story on this and not hers but that's what it sounds like. What does she say when you want to talk to her about it or just talk at all? If she doesnt want any kind of actual relationship with you then I would just notify her that you are moving on in life and she needs to move out. It sounds like y'all are room mates and not husband and wife at all. 

 

Have you noticed her talking to anyone else online or in person? Do y'all an on filing for ROC or citizenship for her?

[karice 29]

I would agree with cyberfx, from what you've said, something is fishy. However, I am curious what is going through her mind. Is there a chance that her move to the US has been hard on her and this is just how she is reacting? I was (and still am a bit) having an extremely hard time adjusting to life here, and Canadian culture is much more aligned with the US than the culture of the Philippines. Perhaps the stark difference in reaction has something to do with that. 

[2far 185]

From a female perspective, I think you’re getting played for immigration purposes. I think she will be gone as soon as she gets what she needs (either unconditional green card, or even citizenship). You’re making it really easy for her to just wait out the time while not being pressured for anything. What is the next step in her immigration process?

[DARUMA07 25]

 I have never seen Tampo last this long!  It took my then fiancée 6 months  to adjust coming here from the Philippines! I would straight up and ask her does she want to go home and end the marriage.  If that is what she wants, give it to her and count your losses! I hate to see when these things happen but it does occasionally. Have you tried counseling?

[DBR 36]

Really sorry to hear about this situation, but in my opinion it looks like she has just been using you for the greencard... The red flag for me in your post is that you say she has pretty much built a wall between the both of you, and she is not interested in therapy / counselling to fix whatever issues you both have with the marriage, so it sounds like it's pretty much dead.

 

Now, what's most important is your own health and how you feel you should handle this situation, so maybe go to therapy / counselling yourself as that might help you to see this situation from a different perspective and decide for yourself how you want to move forward. 

 

I wish you all the best!

[Illiria 980]

Er being yelled at isn’t a turn on. That one time might have put her off you and made her think that all you want is sex. My husband took to sleeping in the other room due to restless leg syndrome, it upset me so I sat him down and explained how it made me feel and he moved back unless his legs were really bad. I know that if I had yelled it wouldn’t have helped. Did you learn about Phillipines culture before getting together with her? Tampo?

 

Maybe she she likes privacy when she is taking a dump, sorry to be crude but I locked the door when I went to the toilet for the first 14 years of my relationship and don’t now only because I want to be available if the baby cries or (as happened once just after I had her) I became ill and he needed to come in and get me. 

 

To me you sound like a typical 50 year old guy who went to the Philippines looking for a younger woman and are not happy she wasnt doing exactly what you want. If you had apologized and made amends the fillipino way straight after yelling the tampo wouldn’t have lasted this long and you could have rebuilt the relationship.

 

If she doesn’t want to work on it you need to call it quits and let her get on with her life, you have no say in if she stays or not.

Edited February 4, 2018 by Illiria

[Boiler 43,425]

Sounds like she wants to go home, sooner the better for all concerned.

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

11 minutes ago, Illiria said:

Er being yelled at isn’t a turn on. That one time might have put her off you and made her think that all you want is sex. My husband took to sleeping in the other room due to restless leg syndrome, it upset me so I sat him down and explained how it made me feel and he moved back unless his legs were really bad. I know that if I had yelled it wouldn’t have helped. Did you learn about Phillipines culture before getting together with her? Tampo?

 

Maybe she she likes privacy when she is taking a dump, sorry to be crude but I locked the door when I went to the toilet for the first 14 years of my relationship and don’t now only because I want to be available if the baby cries or (as happened once just after I had her) I became ill and he needed to come in and get me. 

 

To me you sound like a typical 50 year old guy who went to the Philippines looking for a younger woman and are not happy she wasnt doing exactly what you want. If you had apologized and made amends the fillipino way straight after yelling the tampo wouldn’t have lasted this long and you could have rebuilt the relationship.

 

If she doesn’t want to work on it you need to call it quits and let her get on with her life, you have no say in if she stays or not.

Tampa is different from this and I agree it probably played apart in this initially. But right now this has moved far beyond Tampo it's unreal. 

 

My wife and I are the same way when washing or using the bathroom.m, we lock the doors so we can get some privacy to ourselves. Since we have 4 kids the only time we get privacy is at night or in the shower/toilet. But if she has been acting like this for this amount of time then something is up. 

[cyclone27 710]

I’d packed it in after a few weeks of treatment like that. She obviously isn’t interested anymore. 

 

After my wife came we have been literally inseparable this isn’t normal behaviour.

[Unlockable 7,306]

I agree with others.

 

The shutting doors when going to the bathroom and sleeping with a favorite blanket is not an issue. But lack of communication, intimacy, and sleeping in a different room for two years is a huge problem. Two years???

 

I am sorry, but every divorce case that I have heard, both personally and by word of mouth, all had the same symptoms you described when they were still living under the same room. End the final stages of their marriage, they were pretty much room mates at opposite ends of the house.

 

I would have contributed it to culture shock, home sickness, depression, or even tampo. But for TWO YEARS???

 

I am not going to mention anything about her using you for a green card or anything but I will only say that you should start preparing to protect yourself.

 

Good luck!

[stedye 11]

Just a little more info and sincere gratitude for the responses.  She came here as a 10 year permanent resident . I was familiar with Tampo and did apologize to her , yet , she clung to a tradition of sleeping in the living room.

 

When I want to broach the subject of the lack of intimacy she says I am being repetitive.  The Christian minister who officiated at our wedding was a High school mate of her Dad and he came to USA on a mission trip after our marriage, he says that she is not keeping her marital vows with these actions , and, if she does not adjust the behavior then divorce would be the course of action to take.

 

I pay all expenses in our home, she makes no contribution , she works part time  ( 28-32 hrs) at Wal mart, her money assists her disabled dad and mom who had a stroke last year.

 

Thanks to all who give me sincere  food for thought- wise counsel- strategies that may be my best form of action in this unique situation. 

 

 

[Boiler 43,425]

Not unique, not that uncommon.

 

Answer is always the same.

[Chris Duffy 1,256]

Sounds like she has underlying issues that you will probably never be able to fix. Maybe she was raped in her youth,  Sexually abused by family member or close family friend.  Maybe she was forced by family to come to USA to send money home,  Who knows what her issue is.

 

Either way I don't know how you could stayed married that long and not have sexual relations.  At this point you are more like roommates instead of partners.

 

Of course I am not in your shoes, but from an outsider it sounds as if you should punt on this one.  I don't see your age difference being an issue at all, we are about the same in age and partner age difference.

 

If it was me I would divorce her, give her a option of going home your treat, or tell her you will support her for a few months until she gets on her feet.

 

Once divorced hop a plane and spend a week in Manila, a week in Cebu, and a week in Davao City.