Suicide note?

[Igsy 15]

Hello. Throwaway account for identity reasons. Me and my wife have been married alittle under 2 years now. Our marriage was great but the past few months have been daunting.  

 

I think I made a mistake by getting married , and I also did not pay attention to some red flags. I don't want to bash my wife on the internet but she can be very hysterical sometimes. I have never witnessed anyone in my life ever behave like her. 

 

Last week we got into an argument because I haven't had sex with her (my mind isn't into it). And I went to sleep on the couch, after work and school I came home and found that she was wearing a long sleeve shirt. I looked closely and saw bruise marks all over her arms, and she had them on her legs, too. I'm shocked and speechless, so much that I don't even know what to do.

 

last night she asked me why I was online on VK (vk is like a Russian Facebook). Again , I'm sleeping on the couch and while we bickered on our phones, I fell asleep. Apparently she took offense to that. As I'm leaving work, i see her sleeping at 8am. I come home and prepare for my night classes at 4pm and she's still in bed. I think to myself "ok she must be sore from the gym or maybe she had a headache". After I came home from school at 9pm, she's still in bed!

 

I convinced her to get up and we went to buy some food. We came home and I grabbed her phone that she left on the bed. I opened her vk (like Facebook) and found this message in her chat (she sent it to herself)

 

"For asdf
I hope you'll find this message. Send the part of it to girls and my mum. I recommend you to block my mum after because she's hysterical. 

I don't want to live. I feel like I'm stuck in prison and I don't know what did I do wrong in my life. 
I can't go back, I can't stay here. I just can't be happy. I tried but I just can't.

You already know everything, we talked a lot. You know how depressed I am, you know all the reasons. 

A part for my mom and friends: я не чувствую себя счастливой. Мне жаль. Не расстраивайтесь. Никто ни в чем не виноват, это все я и особенности моего характера. 

Goodbye and have a good and happy life."

 

what in the hell do i do? I'm scared and thinking of sending her back to her country, at least for a vacation.

[AlinaB 43]

Well I would absolutely consider therapy as quickly as possible for one. Not just marriage counseling, but therapy for her on her own and therapy for you on your own. People who reach hysterical moments usually get there because they feel they are not being heard and it is the only way to get any sort of reaction - good or bad.  It sounds like you both have issues communicating your needs to each other. I hope you find a way to find peace in your lives and with each other. 

[millefleur 5,034]

This person sounds mentally unstable for sure. If she has physically harmed herself, it could be one of two things: just a cry for help or a sign that she might try something worse or even fatal.

 

If your questioning your marriage, it's not a good sign. Try seeking professional help at this point, maybe sending her back to Russia is a good idea as well, but it seems like she has not the best relationship with her mother either.

 

I think you sleeping on the couch probably makes her feel neglected and like she's not wanted. Even if you don't mean it that way, it might be contributing to her problems. She sounds like she feels isolated....there must be a bigger reason for this. If you said the marriage was good for two years, why would this suddenly flare up out of the blue?

 

If possible, get professional help. People that have already taken actions to harm themselves are at risk of doing something crazy. I know from experience, take it seriously and try to get a professional involved or at least get professional advice.

 

 

 

[DrEllaNJ 288]

get help for her immediately. She may have underlying mental health problems.

 

Couples' therapy may be a good addition too. A note on marital relations: it's a two-way street. Sometimes you want it and she doesn't. Sometimes it's the other way around. Don't withhold intimate relations just because 'you're not in the mood' - sometimes, you'll have to cater to her needs. She is lonely (does she work?), unhappy, and on top of that, her husband doesn't want her. That would make me very depressed, too. Don't you want to make her happy? Start by apologizing for not 'feeling in the mood lately', reach out to her and put your arms around her. Cuddling and falling asleep in each others' arms may help her feel less lonely, even if it doesn't go any further.

[f f 725]

if you truly fear gör her life you can call 911 and tell them your wife is suicidal and they will come out do a field evaluation and if they deal her to be a threat to herself or others they can place her in a 5150 hold that will hold her for up to 72 hours so they can evaluate and medicate if needed.

 

good luck

[Marco&Bettina 502]

Welcome to the world of dealing with a severely depressed individual. You really need to unbusy your life as much as possible if you're gonna save your marriage and possibly your wife's life. Don't give up on her. She needs you now more than ever. She is trying but she is fighting a losing battle inside. She may be beyond help. But you really need to be there for her and have no regrets about the marriage. She really needs you but she will put up a fight when you try to come to her aid. Don't be overbearing. Just show genuine concern. You should not be texting each other, with you on the couch and her in the bedroom, when you live in the same freakin house. Try to get through to her like a loving husband. She left her entire life for you and now feels isolated. Maybe you should think about why. She will not talk to you. It is up to you to draw her out. Is it important to you or not?

[Marco&Bettina 502]

7 minutes ago, f f said:

if you truly fear gör her life you can call 911 and tell them your wife is suicidal and they will come out do a field evaluation and if they deal her to be a threat to herself or others they can place her in a 5150 hold that will hold her for up to 72 hours so they can evaluate and medicate if needed.

 

good luck

That's not going to help her. She needs support from her SPOUSE!

[Unlockable 7,306]

COUNSELLING! IMMEDIATELY! TOGETHER! IMMEDIATELY!

 

Doing it together will not only show her you are supportive but also help you as well.

[Corey911 37]

25 minutes ago, Marco&Bettina said:

That's not going to help her. She needs support from her SPOUSE!

And from a professional!!

 

OP, where is she now?

[Igsy 15]

She's with me, I didn't work today. I'll get counseling. The reason why I sleep on the couch is because I snore, and she says my leg shakes. 

 

Honestly, i think she needs to consider moving back to Russia until her depression gets better. I've talked to her (it's even in her message). One thing I did not mention is that her grandfather (father figure) was diagnosed with cancer. I care about her and support her but I can't just be home like her.

 

out life would be so much easier if she put effort into driving, too. 

[Dutchster 1,106]

OP. If she has depression it's important that she will see someone, even if it's just the regular doctor for today or tomorrow.

[BethyWink 96]

Before you ship her back to Russia, even on a short term stay, I recommend getting her to a therapist ASAP.   She might feel like you are shipping her off to get your affairs in order, then leave her.   If she has a broken leg in America, and flies to Russia, that leg is still going to be broken.  Depression is the same.   Remind her that it takes more strength to get help than it takes to suffer, but it is worth it, and she is worth it.   Remind her of the good times, and encourage her to get help.  Avoid terms like "Crazy", "Insane", or even hysterical.  Get her to a psych TODAY.  

[DrEllaNJ 288]

my husband snores and he has involuntary spasms which make his legs shake. And yet, every night, I fall asleep with his arms around me (I wear earplugs). You get used to it.

 

Even if you sleep on the couch, do you touch her? Cuddle before leaving to go sleep on the couch? I'm not naively suggesting this will solve all your problems, but show her you care. Find out what her love language is, and try to speak it.

 

It's good that you talk to her. Let her suggest ways to improve her life and your relationship. That may be a short trip to Russia, but maybe not. It's hard to put your own desires on the back burner, but it sounds like you'll have to at least for now. However, your quality of life will almost certainly improve with a happier wife.

[Dutchster 1,106]

It's also really important to talk to her. Have you ever asked her why she doesn't get her license? I'm sorry but posting behind her back on the internet "our life would be so much better if she put effort into getting her license.." is not very fair.
What are her reasons of not applying for one? Have you considered that people with depression (if that is the underlying problem) have a hard time putting effort into things?
Putting your wife on a plane back to Russia so she can deal with it there is not what you signed up for when you spoke your vows. For better and for worse, right? In sickness and in health? Become the husband she needs and talk to her, ask her if she wants to see a therapist here. Ask her if she wants to share her feelings with you. Adjusting in a different country is not always easy and it can be difficult on someone if the only person they have is their spouse. Be there for her.

[yuna628 9,527]

Is your wife working?

Is she doing things independently for herself or is she made to totally rely on you?

Does she have friends in the US?

Have you done anything to help your snoring?

Why are you not 'mentally into it' romantically?

 

Quite frankly, and no offense I feel there is more to this story. My husband snores and talks in his sleep. As a wife I get used to it, and soon I am fast asleep beside him every night. I would never make my husband sleep on the couch. If the snoring is so bad, then there are ways to get medical treatment. But I think this is less about snoring and more about other things. If you aren't being with your wife, as a husband should do romantically... then where is the love in this situation?

 

Your wife sounds depressed, alone, and unhappy because she may feel like she is unwanted and unloved. It's natural that she is worried about the ill health of her relative, but she should also need to know that her husband.. the person she left everything behind for cares about her. Caring about her isn't just providing a home or funds either... there's more to being a husband than that. If you are not communicating (and arguing is not communicating) then you both need to seek help from a professional.