Considering divorce

[Katherine93 30]

Hi,

My timeline pretty much summarizes my relationship, marriage, and immigration footsteps. Long story short, me and my husband have been together for 3 years, been married since March 2015, and after a long wait of the AOS process, we are having our interview in less than a month. We have had our issues but it has never been significant enough for me to consider divorce. Since I graduated from college this year, I start to realize more and more that our lives are going in different directions and we are becoming more and more different in terms values, life goals, etc. He clearly does not know what he wants in life and is doing bad in school, has no ambition whatsoever. I've been trying my best to help him but you can't help someone who doesn't want to do well himself. We have had many arguments but I never thought that it was bad enough to separate us and I wanted to keep trying and fix our marriage because we do still love each other. This may sound stupid to some people, but this presidential election has divided us more than it's supposed to. He has made hateful comments towards immigrants, minorities and women. It made me realize how different our values are and it truly hurts. It was like the last straw. I am now considering separating/divorce, although I think I will try counseling first to see if the marriage can be mended or maybe as time goes on I will eventually get over it. I just don't know if I will be happy in the long run. We will still go through the AOS interview first since it's coming up soon and we are not sure if we will go forward with the divorce yet as we still want to fix the marriage.

But if the worst happens and we decide not to stay married, assuming I'm granted conditional green card at the interview, I'm aware that I would have to file the divorce waiver. I'm worried that if the divorce happened so shortly after the AOS interview (let's say in a few months), would that affect my chance of getting granted the 10 year green card despite the fact that we have been married for almost 2 years (and probably over 2 years at the time of divorce)? We have plenty of evidence showing joint residence over the past couple years, joint tax returns, joint car insurance, joint pet ownership, tons of photos with family friends etc. It is a legitimate marriage so I'm not worried about proving that, it's just the timing. I came here on F1 visa with the intention of going to school and finding a job here, just happened to have met my husband and married. I now have made ties here and do need to rely on the green card to continue at my job...On one hand that I don't want to risk my green card approval, on the other hand I feel stuck in an unhappy marriage..

I tried looking up old posts about divorce waiver but could not find any similar situations. Can someone give some advice on whether it would be risky to get divorced a few months after receiving conditional green card, despite having been married for probably over 2 years at the time?

Edited November 10, 2016 by Katherine93

[Anitafeliz 1,133]

People dont change overnight.

So why is he now a problem i am sure he has always had his views and opinions.

What changed that now you are no longer unaware his lack of studys and his lack of ambition??

[Katherine93 30]

People dont change overnight.

So why is he now a problem i am sure he has always had his views and opinions.

What changed that now you are no longer unaware his lack of studys and his lack of ambition??

Yes, he has always been that way I'm sure. It didn't really come to my attention until recently. Or maybe he just never showed it, and now he thinks it's okay.

I've always been aware of his lack of ambition. Throughout our relationship then marriage, I've tried my best to help him with his studies as I'm more advanced in my education and career. He would try for a few days and goes back to his old ways. I had hope in him, thought he would become better. But we are growing apart, I'm getting too far ahead for him to catch up. He also admitted that but I mean it's a marriage, you don't give up that easily, so we kept trying. I think it's now coming to a point where I don't know if I see a future with him. We met when we were 19 and people change, especially at a young age...

Edited November 10, 2016 by Katherine93

[Anitafeliz 1,133]

Yes, he has always been that way I'm sure. It didn't really come to my attention until recently. Or maybe he just never showed it, and now he thinks it's okay.

I've always been aware of his lack of ambition. Throughout our relationship then marriage, I've tried my best to help him with his studies as I'm more advanced in my education and career. He would try for a few days and goes back to his old ways. I had hope in him, thought he would become better. But we are growing apart, I'm getting too far ahead for him to catch up. He also admitted that but I mean it's a marriage, you don't give up that easily, so we kept trying. I think it's now coming to a point where I don't know if I see a future with him. We met when we were 19 and people change, especially at a young age...

This is true people do change.

Its also ok to be on different paths as far as goals as long as both people in the marriage agree.

Is he worth being with?? you for ex (doctor he a lab tech)???

Someone who is on an advanced career path such as you may also not work out because you may both be too busy...

Edited November 10, 2016 by Anitafeliz

[Katherine93 30]

This is true people do change.

Its also ok to be on different paths as far as goals as long as both people in the marriage agree.

Is he worth being with you a ex (doctor he a lab tech)

Someone who is on an advanced career path such as you may also not work out because you may both be too busy...

He doesn't really know what he wants. I think that he is very immature because today he wants this tomorrow he wants something else, he is not able to stick to one goal...we've had many discussions about this. He has postponed graduation, working minimum wage job... I agree with you that if we are working towards the same goals, it's okay to be at different pace. I think we are just becoming too different, eg. I always want to be the best in school and at work and he is like whatever no rush as long as I have a roof over my head... not that there is anything wrong with it, I guess just really different values.

It's true...I work 8-5 monday through friday and I'm also taking night classes towards my master's degree. He works in retail so he is busy on the weekends. We have limited time to spend together

[Anitafeliz 1,133]

He doesn't really know what he wants. I think that he is very immature because today he wants this tomorrow he wants something else, he is not able to stick to one goal...we've had many discussions about this. He has postponed graduation, working minimum wage job... I agree with you that if we are working towards the same goals, it's okay to be at different pace. I think we are just becoming too different, eg. I always want to be the best in school and at work and he is like whatever no rush as long as I have a roof over my head... not that there is anything wrong with it, I guess just really different values.

It's true...I work 8-5 monday through friday and I'm also taking night classes towards my master's degree. He works in retail so he is busy on the weekends. We have limited time to spend together

If its worth it try a date night. Try to remember why you fell in love with this person and focus on that.

Possibly see a therapist. Let him know how you feel (if you have not) tell him this lack of ambition upsets you. It may motivate him to change. he may be content because he may think you are.

If its worth it to you to save your marriage.

[Katherine93 30]

If its worth it try a date night. Try to remember why you fell in love with this person and focus on that.

Possibly see a therapist. Let him know how you feel (if you have not) tell him this lack of ambition upsets you. It may motivate him to change. he may be content because he may think you are.

If its worth it to you to save your marriage.

We do date night at least once a week, and it definitely helps!

I actually have been seeing a therapist. She suggested the same thing that I should open up my feelings to him and don't let the negative emotions build up. My husband appreciates that and he does try to change. But then after a few days he gets distracted again with his hobbies. He was like "you have to understand that school is not easy for me". So I started thinking, and realizing that I graduated with a 4.0 GPA from college while working to pay for school, whereas he barely graduated high school and is only taking 2 college classes and still struggling. We are not on the same page anymore. I'm at a point where I'm not sure if it's still worth fighting for. I'm exhausted. It's like a roller coaster. Plus the immigration fuss, I don't want to have to stay married just for the green card but I also don't to risk losing my job..

[Rebecca616 38]

is he aware that you are thinking about divorce? or will hit kinda hit him out of nowhere? Young marriage is hard but it seems as though you knew he barly passed high school and was ok with it when you got married. It really should not surprise you that it will take him longer than its taking you to achieve his goal or maybe its your goal for him? but nobody deserves to live a miserable life either. Divorce happens everyday in this country, if you can prove your marriage was entered into in good faith then you shouldn't have any issues lifting your conditions, that's my thinking atleast.

Edited November 10, 2016 by Rebecca616

[Ketsuban 1,034]

You're the immigrant, right? If he has problems with immigrants, minorities and women then why did he marry a Chinese woman and bring her here? Crazy.

[Katherine93 30]

You're the immigrant, right? If he has problems with immigrants, minorities and women then why did he marry a Chinese woman and bring her here? Crazy.

Yeah I'm the immigrant, isn't that ironic? That's what I cannot make sense of. He didn't bring me here though, I came on student visa and met him.

[Ketsuban 1,034]

Yeah I'm the immigrant, isn't that ironic? That's what I cannot make sense of. He didn't bring me here though, I came on student visa and met him.

Still. The cognitive dissonance is real with that one.

[Katherine93 30]

is he aware that you are thinking about divorce? or will hit kinda hit him out of nowhere? Young marriage is hard but it seems as though you knew he barly passed high school and was ok with it when you got married. It really should not surprise you that it will take him longer than its taking you to achieve his goal or maybe its your goal for him? but nobody deserves to live a miserable life either. Divorce happens everyday in this country, if you can prove your marriage was entered into in good faith then you shouldn't have any issues lifting your conditions, that's my thinking atleast.

He is, but I don't think that he is taking it seriously. Whenever I bring it up to his attention he thinks I'm being dramatic or overreacting (aka. being a woman). Honestly, when I first met him I wasn't sure where my life was going either. We had lots of fun going to concerts and stuff. But as I grew older I realized what I wanted in life and he didn't.

Edited November 10, 2016 by Katherine93

[Katherine93 30]

Still. The cognitive dissonance is real with that one.

For real... and when I bring it up to him he is like oh I'm just joking and "all straight guys talk like that" or "what's the big deal" but it's really not funny anymore.

[Ketsuban 1,034]

For real... and when I bring it up to him he is like oh I'm just joking and "all straight guys talk like that" or "what's the big deal" but it's really not funny anymore.

He knows it's not right. My husband is straight and doesn't talk in such a way. He acknowledges the country has problems with illegals but he doesn't hate immigrants as a whole. Or women. Or minorities. He should be more respectful to you. He wouldn't like it if you kept mouthing off about American men all the time.

[Katherine93 30]

He knows it's not right. My husband is straight and doesn't talk in such a way. He acknowledges the country has problems with illegals but he doesn't hate immigrants as a whole. Or women. Or minorities. He should be more respectful to you. He wouldn't like it if you kept mouthing off about American men all the time.

Exactly. I know he does love me and care about me but I now start to realize that deep down he lacks respect and thinks women and minorities are inferior. Knowing his family and friends who act the exact same way and way worse, I know that's how he was raised and it's hard for me to change who he is. I'm just sort of overwhelmed with disappointment. I don't want to get political but this election truly has brought the worst out of some people. It hurts knowing the person closest to you endorses that kind of behavior...