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Spoken Language vs. Respect

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I really didn't know where to post this but since my wife is a Filipina I thought I would try here first. We have been married for almost 5 years with the usual ups and downs (seems like more downs) and almost divorced once. She also has a son (my step son) that just turned 12. I have one common complaint that has lasted the entire 5 years. She ONLY speaks to her son in Tagalog even if I am around. In the morning, at night, at the dinner table, in the car. This totally leaves me out of the conversation. You know, the conversations you may enjoy as a family. I don't get to hear about what's going on at school, with friends, girls, or anything. Unless I ask but he gets upset having to repeat everything twice in which I don't blame him. I have asked her a million times to please stop and how it makes me feel but she doesn't care. Her reasoning is that she doesn't want him to forget Tagalog. He is 12, it is not like he is 5. I have pleaded with her to stop and there is plenty of time when I am not with them that she can speak Tagalog with him. He is usually good enough to speak English when I am around so I usually get half of what is going on. Even on the phone to her friends that live around here she only speaks it. I told her I didn't care if she speaks it on the phone to her family in PI.

There is more about the subject but you get my point.

So my question to fellow VJ's out there that are in my general position......am I out of line requesting my wife to speak English when I am at home and around her, which to me is a total lack of respect.....or do you feel it is her right to speak any langue she likes even though she knows it upsets me and she can do it when I am not around?

Thanks.

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Canada
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I would be annoyed also but I know ppl who do this all the time.

My Aunt and Uncle for example. They've been married probably 30+years now, I remember hearing ppl talk about them how she talks only in French to the kids and they reply back in French. My Uncle never knew a word in french and would just sit there watch TV or talk to someone else if there was company. Many family members thought it was rude to him. I don't know if anyone asked what his thoughts were but heck after all this time they are still together. He still barely knows any French.

Anyway, that obviously doesn't work for you so you need to have a heart to heart with her and tell her (I'm sure you have) or just live with it.

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Denmark
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I think it is important that the son, even though he is 12, still listen to Tagalog even when you are around. Speaking English with you around is the downward slope to him insisting on English only.

What I think is ruder is that in 5 years you haven't learned enough Tagalog to understand what is being said.

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Philippines
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I would probably feel the same way you do. Your request doesn't seem extreme or unreasonable. If I were riding in the car and the convo remained in tagalog .. I would be tempted to turn on the radio and start singing to the next song. Wha?? My singing bothers you?? (But I'm a bit of a trouble-maker when I feel disrespected). Ultimately - instead of waiting for your wife to change... you will need to develop your own relationship with your son. Take time to do some fun "boy" things: go-carting, eating spicy chicken wings and pizza, guy night at the movies, etc. I imagine you are doing those things - but as time marches on you will get the relationship and feedback you want from your son. HE will respect your relationship. Right now.. he's following mom's lead. Don't make him feel bad.. he's just the kid. Good luck!

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Iran
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Well, you have the option to try to learn her language too. I think its natural to want to speak your native language when with others from your home country. That having been said, I think there should be some compromise. Maybe if you make an effort to learn her language she will meet you halfway.

Also, you mention things have not really been great...her reluctance to try to work with you might be a reflection of that discord.

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Why not learn her language?? It's her heritage why wouldn't you want to share it with her ??

My husband who had spent his entire life speaking one language(me as well ) is making a effort to learn English and I do the same with Spanish plus I want our daughter to be bilingual so when we visit dads family she can communicate with them. If you feel that uncomfortable just start learning the language, it's been 5 years and you really don't understand anything they say ??

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Iran
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Why not learn her language?? It's her heritage why wouldn't you want to share it with her ??

My husband who had spent his entire life speaking one language(me as well ) is making a effort to learn English and I do the same with Spanish plus I want our daughter to be bilingual so when we visit dads family she can communicate with them. If you feel that uncomfortable just start learning the language, it's been 5 years and you really don't understand anything they say ??

I totally agree...if you marry a foreigner you should make the effort to understand their culture and their language. I imagine myself being the beneficiary and moving to another country. I'd be so happy if my spouse made at least an effort.

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I totally agree...if you marry a foreigner you should make the effort to understand their culture and their language. I imagine myself being the beneficiary and moving to another country. I'd be so happy if my spouse made at least an effort.

Hahahahaha I've been in my husband country for 7 months and I'm picking up the language slowly I can communicate with his family and him with basic stuff. The harder more detailed information I use Google translator. I know I'm so proud of my husband when he speaks English and I know he's the same when I speak Spanish

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Denmark
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I totally agree...if you marry a foreigner you should make the effort to understand their culture and their language. I imagine myself being the beneficiary and moving to another country. I'd be so happy if my spouse made at least an effort.

Although I think my husband is upset I don't speak Danish more often, he likes (and sometimes dislikes) that I understand most of it when spoken. I tried very early in our relationship to work towards at least comprehension.

I think it is very Anglo-centric thinking that the language of the relationship must be English.

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7/2019-12/2019 (Yes, 16- 21 months) Estimated time to interview MSP office.

 

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Denmark
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I have an 11 year old and I actually do the same thing and my husband don't speak danish.

I then just often repeat what we say or he ask and I tell him what we say.

I can understand why it's irritating I really can but since I'm in the same shoes as your wife I really also get her point of view on this one.

 

 

 

 

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Filed: Lift. Cond. (pnd) Country: Japan
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My family came to America in the early 1980s when I was 2 years old. My parents didn't want me or my siblings to speak English in the house even though I considered it to be my primary language. As an adult in my mid 30s, I am glad they forced it on me. Knowing and being fluent in a second language helps you retain a part of your culture that ends up being lost after being in another country for such a long time. I have lots of American born relatives that wish they can be as fluent in the language of their own nationality.

So my suggestion is to compromise a bit as it will be beneficial to your step son in the long run.

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Filed: Other Country: Philippines
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I really didn't know where to post this but since my wife is a Filipina I thought I would try here first. We have been married for almost 5 years with the usual ups and downs (seems like more downs) and almost divorced once. She also has a son (my step son) that just turned 12. I have one common complaint that has lasted the entire 5 years. She ONLY speaks to her son in Tagalog even if I am around. In the morning, at night, at the dinner table, in the car. This totally leaves me out of the conversation. You know, the conversations you may enjoy as a family. I don't get to hear about what's going on at school, with friends, girls, or anything. Unless I ask but he gets upset having to repeat everything twice in which I don't blame him. I have asked her a million times to please stop and how it makes me feel but she doesn't care. Her reasoning is that she doesn't want him to forget Tagalog. He is 12, it is not like he is 5. I have pleaded with her to stop and there is plenty of time when I am not with them that she can speak Tagalog with him. He is usually good enough to speak English when I am around so I usually get half of what is going on. Even on the phone to her friends that live around here she only speaks it. I told her I didn't care if she speaks it on the phone to her family in PI.

There is more about the subject but you get my point.

So my question to fellow VJ's out there that are in my general position......am I out of line requesting my wife to speak English when I am at home and around her, which to me is a total lack of respect.....or do you feel it is her right to speak any langue she likes even though she knows it upsets me and she can do it when I am not around?

Thanks

Out of line? Yes and no. I know what you are saying, and I do understand about conversations happening that leave you out, and it is sort of inconsiderate (sort of)

On the other hand I do understand your wife's desire to keep her son fluent in Tagalog. As for your wife talking with friends in Tagalog on the phone or when they meet up, what is the difference, you aren't part of the conversation (unless you are ease-dropping ;) ).

As others suggested, maybe learn the language, have your wife help you with this, heck have your step-son help you .. that would be aces.

http://www.rosettastone.com/learn-tagalog/

I will mention one other thought, maybe your wife is more comfortable speaking Tagalog than English... do remember English is a 2nd language to her.

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I really didn't know where to post this but since my wife is a Filipina I thought I would try here first. We have been married for almost 5 years with the usual ups and downs (seems like more downs) and almost divorced once. She also has a son (my step son) that just turned 12. I have one common complaint that has lasted the entire 5 years. She ONLY speaks to her son in Tagalog even if I am around. In the morning, at night, at the dinner table, in the car. This totally leaves me out of the conversation. You know, the conversations you may enjoy as a family. I don't get to hear about what's going on at school, with friends, girls, or anything. Unless I ask but he gets upset having to repeat everything twice in which I don't blame him. I have asked her a million times to please stop and how it makes me feel but she doesn't care. Her reasoning is that she doesn't want him to forget Tagalog. He is 12, it is not like he is 5. I have pleaded with her to stop and there is plenty of time when I am not with them that she can speak Tagalog with him. He is usually good enough to speak English when I am around so I usually get half of what is going on. Even on the phone to her friends that live around here she only speaks it. I told her I didn't care if she speaks it on the phone to her family in PI.

There is more about the subject but you get my point.

So my question to fellow VJ's out there that are in my general position......am I out of line requesting my wife to speak English when I am at home and around her, which to me is a total lack of respect.....or do you feel it is her right to speak any langue she likes even though she knows it upsets me and she can do it when I am not around?

Thanks.

For the most part, you are definitely not out of line.

I am horrible at learning languages; which is the main reason I was interested in the Philippines since English is spoken there. There are times when my wife doesn't speak English, but these are times when I wouldn't be part of the conversation; she's speaking online to her family, she is with somebody here from the Philippines.

If the three of you are a family, then you should all be included in family conversation. And if what you said is true, that they have plenty of other times when they are alone to speak Tagalog, then speaking English when you're there shouldn't be an issue.

As for you learning her language, I just remember what my mother in law told my wife, "You are moving to America, so you adjust to America. Don't expect America to adjust to you." And later, when we move to the Philippines, I'm going to do everything I can to learn their language. Even though it's not fair I have to try to learn Bisaya and Tagalog.

 

 

 

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Filed: AOS (apr) Country: Finland
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The thing with multicultural families, especially multilingual families, is that if you want your children to be fluent in both/all languages, the native speaker of said language basically has to speak that language to the child and with the child. I don't see this as being a disrespectful thing. This is a thing where your wife probably feels very strongly about her own language and wants to pass that language to her child as well, as part of an identity. Language in itself is not just what is spoken, it's also connected to your thought processes, feelings and an understanding of the world. The thing is, if an english speaking parent demands that both parents speak english to the child, in an english speaking environment, the second language will never be strong enough where that language becomes a part of the person's identity. Read about how to raise children to become bilingual and you'll understand.

As to you never being part of the conversation, I would talk to your wife and see if she would be willing to translate at least aome of the conversation. I also feel like you could take this as an opportunity to learn her language, at least a little bit, where you can follow what's being said. Even if you never become fluent enough to be comfortable in speaking it, at least you would understand what is being said. That would also show your wife that you respect her heritage and her culture, and maybe she would be willing to meet you half way so that you don't feel completely left out.

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OK maybe I didn't make one thing clear. My stepson prior to coming to the US was in a private university since the age of 2. He can read, write and speak Tagalog fluently. He was in the top 90% of every class and I have the report cards to prove it because my wife keeps everything. He also reads English extremely well but while writing and speaking English is where he needs improvement. His main issue is just understanding the slang terms we use and how to use similar words like, were, where, wear, and we're give him problems. He is smart enough understand this and knows he has to work on his English more because his schoolwork and future in America depends on this. My wife however, reads English pretty good, terrible at writing it and has trouble pronouncing many words, doesn't know the true meaning of a lot of words she says and at time creates her own gibberish. This really comes to life in text messages that she sends me. Even our good friends and my stepson tease her on this. I have tried to explain to her that the only way to improve this is to practice. She does work full time in customer service so it has been getting better. So she is actually hurting her son's progress in school by not practicing English with him.

So you want me to learn Tagalog? What for? I had planned to learn it and know many common words. But in my visits to PI I learned most everyone there speaks English anyways and I never had an issue talking with anyone. Well except the older generation were there English is broken but we could still communicate. I even asked my wife to teach me and she just laughed. So why learn it? EVERY Filipino I know speaks English.

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