Adjusting to life in America

[JessDak 27]

Hi guys. I'm posting this here because I really don't feel like I have anybody else to talk to about it since most of my friends here are her friends so they always just take her side and don't ever listen to how I'm feeling,

My wife and I just got married about 2 weeks ago. When I came to Minnesota things between us felt a bit strained but we hoped that after the marriage things would get better, but we've been fighting so much more over the simplest things. I told her the other day that I wanted to get an undercut (shave the nape of my neck) and she told me that she would divorce me if I did that. Normally I would just take this as a joke, but this whole adjustment phase has got me feeling down and depressed about everything. I didn't think that I would have a hard time adjusting to living in Minnesota but I think after I sent the forms it finally hit me that this is where I live now. Some days I just feel like packing up my bags and going back home but I have nowhere to go (I know that sounds dramatic, but my father had threatened to kick me out multiple times when I tried telling him about my relationship before the engagement, so now I don't think he'll ever forgive me)

I'm hopeful that it's just all the stress that the both of us are under right now (shes having to completely support me financially, and we're having a really difficult time finding a place to live when her lease runs up next month, on top of it all she recently got sick and wasn't allowed to come in to work for a week and she didn't have any vacation/sick days left, so we went a week with no income). I know that once I can start helping out financially that things will get better so I don't want you guys to think I'm hopeless, I'm just feeling stuck since all life seems to be right now is waiting for things to get better and I feel so useless sitting home all day while she works to feed me.

I really didn't want to post this here since I always enjoy reading the happy endings on here, but I felt that I needed to get this off my chest. Any advice on how to get through this stressful time??

[mallafri76 1,012]

With all that's going on, no wonder you're both feeling stressed and down. My advise will be to talk to each other. Get through the hard times together, don't let them tear you apart. Tough times should make you stronger as a couple. Talk about how you both feel, what's bothering you and how you can get through it together.

It seems money is tight but I would really try and focus on AOS. The faster you can get your EAD, the faster you can find a job and contribute financially.

[GodisMyGuide 36]

It takes time. When my husband got here, we had that same problem. We have decided to do marriage counseling which has helped immensely. It's a lot of change. Even for people who live in the same country, same state, and same town when you move in with somebody it's totally different. So now take in cultural changes, personality traits, moving away from your family, adjusting to a new life for both of you, the fears you both have, it's normal. You guys have to learn how to manage the fights and not let the fights manage you. It sucks, but you're not alone. You have your VJ family.

[afortunada 182]

I'm in Minnesota, too! It's a wonderful place to live It's completely normal to feel stressed and a little unsure after moving to a whole new country with all new people and not being able to work or support yourself. You need to give it time - you only just arrived! Until you can file AOS and begin working, find other activities to take your mind off things. Minnesota is FULL of great things to do, and there are tons of ways to meet new people. As for your spouse, just sit down and have a conversation about how you are feeling. When I moved to Mexico to be with my husband we had a conversation about the adjustment process and how things were going... Not only did it bring us closer, but it helped us to make a plan to help in my adjustment process and strengthened our relationship.

Now, when my husband gets here from Mexico (CR-1 visa), perhaps we can all go out to celebrate

Keep your chin up! And make sure you have the conversation with your wife - while it may seem pretty clear that moving countries is a big challenge, it's not always the easiest to grasp, especially if it is new for the both of you and she is having struggles as well. Be sure to ask how she is feeling about things, too.

[soulstriker 274]

if u need counseling go for it , how long have yall known each other? to joke about divorce is kinda extreme

[Marc_us82 49]

Do you think perhaps the resentment came from her having to support you financially? Try to make her understand that you are a unit now, what's hers is yours and vice versa. Relationship is often strained when people start talking about money, hence the root of all evil.

I'm pretty sure once you start bringing in the dough things will improve. Hang in there.

[jm302music 25]

Hey, JessDak, I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. It's stressful enough just accomplishing the monumental task of being together in the first place. Adding marriage difficulties on top of that just makes the situation so much worse.

I URGENTLY recommend marriage counseling right away. If your wife doesn't agree to go, then go by yourself. Having a (professional) listening ear to talk with about these issues will give you much more hope and happiness. Even if somehow the marriage doesn't last, you will at least have gained some new life happiness tools out of your conversations with the counselor.

My fiancee and I are already planning to go to counseling right away when the day finally arrives that she can move here. We both realize that she will experience some level of sadness and stress over the extreme culture shock, separation from her family, ongoing immigration tasks and costs, etc. Counseling just provides such an excellent framework for discussing things that are sometimes difficult to discuss at home.

[alexandaaron 13]

Definitely finding an outlet to talk is good; also check around and see if there are some free marriage support resources near you in MN! A lot of churches, etc. offer these, and they can be helpful even if you're not religious (my fiancé isn't, and we're doing one right now). It can help both of you adjust to married life, living together, etc. in ways that are constructive and positive.

And maybe doing some kind of regular thing on your own will help you explore/adjust gently? Is there a Bahamian expat online community you can find? Can you join a weekly book club or other meet up group? I know the first few months I was living with my fiancé in his country, I was driving him CRAZY because I was crazy because I had nothing to do, no schedule, and no motivation to leave the house. Making a routine for myself (even a once a week thing) helped.

But mostly, just take a deep breath, know that you can talk to people here, and believe that it's going to be OK. Marriage is hard! But it's rewarding, so hang in there.

(And you guys might want to have a semi-serious discussion about taking the 'd-word' off the table, even in jokes. That's a joke for people happily married 20+ years, not for anxious newlyweds.)

[jwcir12016 32]

Several years ago my husband (then fiance) came on a K1 visa. The adjustment was super difficult. He went through severe culture shock, there was a struggle with my parents, planning a wedding and some financial issues. I felt 100% responsible for everyone's unhappiness and it put a real strain on our relationship. Ultimately, he decided to go back to his country and we would continue our relationship leading to marriage. I can't say it was the smartest decision we made when we look back on it, AOS and his ability to work would have changed the situation, and just waiting it out. We ended up marrying in his country several months later, and I decided to go live with him. We had a son and later filed for an IR-1 and recently came back to the states. When he came he was able to get a job almost immediately, nothing very lucrative, but it contributes wonderfully as a joint income and it makes him happy and he feels more productive. We are MUCH happier, I think a huge part is for us was spending that time married together in his country and putting everything else to the side ! I know this isn't ideal for everyone, but it worked for us. Good luck to you.

[jm302music 25]

When he came he was able to get a job almost immediately, nothing very lucrative, but it contributes wonderfully as a joint income and it makes him happy and he feels more productive.

It's amazing how that feeling of making a contribution, having a purpose or a role to play, makes such an enormous difference in our life happiness!

Jw, thank you for sharing your inspiring story! Sounds like you've had a long and winding road that's led to a wonderful place.

Joel

[quesma 10]

The first few months are always difficult but its only becuase you are trying to adjust. Waiting for papers, getting a new job, new licence, new people can be stressing. All this will be fine within a few months. Stay put and respect each other's wishes.

[subwayguy 100]

Hi guys. I'm posting this here because I really don't feel like I have anybody else to talk to about it since most of my friends here are her friends so they always just take her side and don't ever listen to how I'm feeling,

My wife and I just got married about 2 weeks ago. When I came to Minnesota things between us felt a bit strained but we hoped that after the marriage things would get better, but we've been fighting so much more over the simplest things. I told her the other day that I wanted to get an undercut (shave the nape of my neck) and she told me that she would divorce me if I did that. Normally I would just take this as a joke, but this whole adjustment phase has got me feeling down and depressed about everything. I didn't think that I would have a hard time adjusting to living in Minnesota but I think after I sent the forms it finally hit me that this is where I live now. Some days I just feel like packing up my bags and going back home but I have nowhere to go (I know that sounds dramatic, but my father had threatened to kick me out multiple times when I tried telling him about my relationship before the engagement, so now I don't think he'll ever forgive me)

I'm hopeful that it's just all the stress that the both of us are under right now (shes having to completely support me financially, and we're having a really difficult time finding a place to live when her lease runs up next month, on top of it all she recently got sick and wasn't allowed to come in to work for a week and she didn't have any vacation/sick days left, so we went a week with no income). I know that once I can start helping out financially that things will get better so I don't want you guys to think I'm hopeless, I'm just feeling stuck since all life seems to be right now is waiting for things to get better and I feel so useless sitting home all day while she works to feed me.

I really didn't want to post this here since I always enjoy reading the happy endings on here, but I felt that I needed to get this off my chest. Any advice on how to get through this stressful time??

undercut is so first half of 2016!

[Ortolan 381]

Find some things around the place you live that you really like to do: play music, lawn stuff, library, sports....whatever. Keep yourself busy and most of all RELAX...this is still going to take a while and the first year of being married is in many ways the most difficult, because you're really getting to know each other like married people!

Hang in there, don't give up...it's still an adventure that's worth it

[TBoneTX 43,058]

Keep the faith and a long-term view. What you're going through is very natural.

[NicMel16 3]

JessDak, be encouraged, trust God to strengthen your marriage and most importantly communicate with your spouse. I am married to a Bahamian man and the our marriage started with a lot of arguments. It was an adjustment for both of us. For him the culture shock of meeting a lot of my family at once, trying to understand the various American accents and dialects and finalizing wedding plans. I had to adjust to living with a man that wasn't my Father and is from a different culture. The day of our honeymoon we argued off and on until we reached our destination. After we moved into our apartment, we argued every day until he decided to go back to the Bahamas about 2 weeks after we got married. I didn't know if he would come back or not but he did. We got over that period of adjustment and our marriage is stronger because of it. He like you struggles with not being able to work and is not use to staying at home. We would take drives and walks in the park when I got home from work to help combat depression. He keeps in contact with friends and family in the Bahamas. We would watch ZNS online and listen to various Bahamas stations online as well. We have been married for 2 1/2 years. We still have disagreements and have gone through other types of adjustment but we don't allow them to be more important than our marriage. We are committed to each and our marriage. Don't lose hope.