Question about visiting after filing a K-1 application and breaking up

[fantasist 2]

Hi everybody,

I know there is a stickied post about visiting, but I am wondering if someone can give me an opinion on my odd set of circumstances. (if I should post this there my apologies, I will move it)

Long story short, after visiting my fiance in Florida and getting engaged he became extremely distant once I returned to Canada and we sent in our K1 application. Today he broke up with me via email with the vague statement that "things haven't been right" between us, and told me he would be blocking/ignoring all attempts I made to contact him (after a nearly 6 year relationship). Needless to say I am just reeling at the moment and sort of beside myself.

I think I need to see him and speak with him--if nothing else to hopefully get some closure on the whole relationship (I know, we don't always get closure, but this was just such an absolutely horrible way that he ended things that I feel like I need something more to help either fix things or move on). On top of this, last time I visited I stupidly left some personal items at his place, thinking the next time I returned I would be permanently living there. The cost of flying out there to get my stuff alone is probably worth it to me (although he has offered to ship things back--I am concerned that doing this might cost me more in duty than a flight would given how customs works in Canada).

I spent a couple of months in the States last year, and about three months this year. The last time I went I was given a hard time at the border (I'm an online student right now and the only substantial property I own in Canada currently is a car) because they were concerned I may not return. Instead of being given a new 6 month visitors visa when I last went, I was given until the end of the 6 month visitor's visa which I had received last year. I did not over-stay the visa or anything like that, but I am probably understandably concerned that now about 2 1/2 months later if I try to go to Florida again for even a period of a few days to week at most, I may get denied entry--particularly because unless my fiance has been really proactive (which I doubt) our K1 application is still technically underway.

I really don't want to cancel the application yet because everything is so fresh--this just happened, and we have broken up and gotten back together in past. Looking at the timelines on this website I think we should be on course to receive our NOA2 in the next week or so. I am not sure there really is much prospect of saving the relationship given how he broke up with me, but wonder whether once we receive that he might feel more secure and like things are back on track. I feel that being apart and the waiting is unfortunately a big part of the break up, as strange as that seems given we were working on being together permanently.

Is it worth trying to visit in this circumstance, or am I going to be wasting my money on a ticket? A friend could likely go with me, which I think may be a factor that would suggest I'm going to come back (which I fully intend to do either way). I really feel that visiting is my only hope of trying to salvage the relationship, or to help me move on.

[Jawaree 717]

Breaking up is sooooo very hard to do, not to make light of the

situation, a yr relationship ? he changed his mind maybe someone

else is in the picture, whatever it is move on he's done , he wants to cut

all Ties.

Using your things to go to FL is just an excuse & you will be hurt more,

it better to deal with letting the days go by with no contact, You close

the case with uscis , so in the future you will not have probs, he may just

close the case with a negative reason. You wll find another forget him

never grovel, there's no other closure but to move on. Don't attempt

to get in the US for the rest of this yr Start a new job, join a gym stay busy

Edited July 2, 2016 by Jawaree

[Rc123rc 528]

Sorry, that was a pretty brutal and impersonal way of doing things. Personally, I'm not sure a visit is going to patch things up or give you closure. I think you will see a delaying action until you leave again and back in Canada and he'll just write a new email. As far as closure, I don't think you are going to get satisfying answers. You'll get vague answers or "it's me not you" answers. You didn't see it coming so there are most likely very few reasons why he broke up with you. I'm not going to guess why. You probably have the same guesses I do. As far as being apart and the wait... we all go through the same thing and it's tough. If the breakup is over the wait then the relationship probably not that strong to begin with. Don't do anything rash. Think about it for a couple of weeks. Maybe he can ship your items to someone just over the border and they can bring them in for you. Since they are personal items, he should be able to ship direct with no customs. Did you document those items when you when to visit or shipped them? Good luck and let us know how it turned out.

[fantasist 2]

Thanks for the replies. I didn't and won't really go into the relationship problems in great detail, but the sort of behaviour I have just experienced from him is part of a pattern he seems to go through from time to time and I am more the fool for thinking that he's coming to grips with these problems when really I think it's just that he's in a better/less anxious part of the cycle, and then when the bad part comes this is the sort of thing that happens. Several times when we got close to making a new commitment he's backed off like this, and I always think things have changed and he's ready to commit now. I guess things won't change and I've spent a lot of needless time on the relationship. I certainly need to be cautious about proceeding with this if I don't see some evidence that he's working on things (and yes, I will be sceptical about real change being made).

You're right I probably should leave it for a while, and I know grovelling is not the answer. I'm hoping he will at least contact me to discuss the shipping, and whether he has cancelled the application, but who knows. I was sure he had forwarded me a copy of the NOA1 but I can't find it so I don't think I even have any information about our case (which feels very stupid now). I didn't think to do a good job documenting what I brought there from Canada, so I guess I may have to hope telling my sob story will be enough to convince customs that these are in fact my personal effects from Canada and that they are just being returned to me after a failed relationship. I know, all of this is kind of more fool me. I hope this experience makes me wiser.

[soulstriker 274]

not bother about visiting him the guy boldly said he was done wit the relationship you can do small talk about him shipping yout stuff , but i doubt hed even want to discuss anything else , make sure that k1 gets canceled

[Rc123rc 528]

I don't think he is going to cancel the application. If he is a non-commitment wishy washy kind of person then more likely he'll just let it sit there and let it go through the process until it gets to the consulate. If there is an RFE then he might not answer it. hmmm 6 years.. ya, probably not going to change. Unless you are there all the time to prompt him all the time but then it feels kind of forced and you never want to hear the words "I never wanted to get married, you pushed me into it." Customs should be OK, I used to ship things into Canada for a small business all the time. There was a never a question when I marked it personal. Yes, they were personal items. Some people tried to get me to send as personal to avoid customs and duties but I refused. Lost some sales but I did not run afoul of customs and have me banned. Just make sure there is enough detail on the shipping label and put a letter of explanation inside the box.

You mentioned anxiety. Since I have experience with anxiety, both my daughter and ex-wife have a lot of it, I know that it is extremely difficult to live with someone who has anxiety. It never gets easier and you have to have a huge amount of patience. There is a lot, and I mean a lot, of frustration that you have to hold back on and just be calm and work through there anxious moments.

[fantasist 2]

Thanks, rcripps for the info about shipping to Canada. Maybe it will be alright. In past when he's sent me gifts I've had to pay more in duty than the gift was worth, so I was really concerned I might get hit with something ridiculous for my items, but hopefully it will be obvious they are personal and used and it'll be an easy experience.

I'm not sure what he will do, and if he won't talk to me I'm not going to know. I hope sometime soon he will at least give me an update on our outstanding matters. I keep thinking to myself we probably would have worked through this if I could have been there, but yeah, I agree, I don't want to feel like I forced someone to marry me who will always be bitter about it. That should feel like a blessing and a privilege that someone loves you enough to marry you. This hurts because I thought that was the page we were on now. I thought things had changed, and I guess they haven't despite his representations (signing the letter saying we intended to marry, buying the ring and dress).

I've been with him through some extremely anxious times, and I won't deny they have been extremely hard, but I love him and was always willing to be patient and work through it. It is a challenge though. If he's pushing me away, I think I'm at that point where I just have to let him figure it out and if he comes back with it figured out, we'll see, but I don't know where that will put us in the immigration process, and I certainly don't want to have to start from scratch again.

[Randyandyuni 2,682]

Why would you want to salvage a relationship with someone that is so childish and self centered he would end a 6 year relationship in such a manner. He seems like a narcissist

[fantasist 2]

Randyandyuni--I hear what you're saying. I'm hearing a lot of hard comments from everyone since this happened that are really making me question the relationship period, and whether he can be mature and stable enough to be in a marriage. I guess I still hope though--6 years is a long time, and most of it has been really good and I really love the man.

[Randyandyuni 2,682]

I am sorry, i did not mean to dismiss your love of him. I just feel the sooner you can heal the wound the quicker you can move on

[fantasist 2]

No, I understand completely. Someone on the outside sees things more clearly and objectively than someone on the inside clouded with emotions. I have to hear these things as I figure out what I'm doing with my life.

[NuZayetsPogodi 117]

I don't really have anything helpful to contribute, other than to say how sorry I am this happened to you. I have a lot of anxiety, and while I don't think it's so bad that I could end such a serious relationship in that way, I do really feel horrible for the people in my life that have had to put up with my bad moments. I understand why you feel hopeful. I can't tell you what's right to do, but if he grew distant over the span of two months and then abruptly ended things, that seems pretty permanent. Perhaps it's best now to just focus on yourself, on your own happiness, and on your own recovery from this sad situation. As for your personal belongings, I don't know any more than what other posters have said. Do you have the contact information for a family member who might be helpful in this situation?

Best of luck to you. I hope everything works out favorably, whatever that might mean for you.

[subwayguy 100]

Hi everybody,

I know there is a stickied post about visiting, but I am wondering if someone can give me an opinion on my odd set of circumstances. (if I should post this there my apologies, I will move it)

Long story short, after visiting my fiance in Florida and getting engaged he became extremely distant once I returned to Canada and we sent in our K1 application. Today he broke up with me via email with the vague statement that "things haven't been right" between us, and told me he would be blocking/ignoring all attempts I made to contact him (after a nearly 6 year relationship). Needless to say I am just reeling at the moment and sort of beside myself.

I think I need to see him and speak with him--if nothing else to hopefully get some closure on the whole relationship (I know, we don't always get closure, but this was just such an absolutely horrible way that he ended things that I feel like I need something more to help either fix things or move on). On top of this, last time I visited I stupidly left some personal items at his place, thinking the next time I returned I would be permanently living there. The cost of flying out there to get my stuff alone is probably worth it to me (although he has offered to ship things back--I am concerned that doing this might cost me more in duty than a flight would given how customs works in Canada).

I spent a couple of months in the States last year, and about three months this year. The last time I went I was given a hard time at the border (I'm an online student right now and the only substantial property I own in Canada currently is a car) because they were concerned I may not return. Instead of being given a new 6 month visitors visa when I last went, I was given until the end of the 6 month visitor's visa which I had received last year. I did not over-stay the visa or anything like that, but I am probably understandably concerned that now about 2 1/2 months later if I try to go to Florida again for even a period of a few days to week at most, I may get denied entry--particularly because unless my fiance has been really proactive (which I doubt) our K1 application is still technically underway.

I really don't want to cancel the application yet because everything is so fresh--this just happened, and we have broken up and gotten back together in past. Looking at the timelines on this website I think we should be on course to receive our NOA2 in the next week or so. I am not sure there really is much prospect of saving the relationship given how he broke up with me, but wonder whether once we receive that he might feel more secure and like things are back on track. I feel that being apart and the waiting is unfortunately a big part of the break up, as strange as that seems given we were working on being together permanently.

Is it worth trying to visit in this circumstance, or am I going to be wasting my money on a ticket? A friend could likely go with me, which I think may be a factor that would suggest I'm going to come back (which I fully intend to do either way). I really feel that visiting is my only hope of trying to salvage the relationship, or to help me move on.

Your bf is a schmuck , move on.

[Adil & Jeanne 296]

Unforunately we can not change someone's mind

and never try to hold on to a person who doesn't want you to hold

What is he? A gemini ? Not to insult anyone but all of them i know change their minds every six months

They advised you to cancel the application instead of him to give you a chance later if you happen to meet another American

we do have some good men here

I am so sorry for your hurt / i know it is not easy and you put your life in his hands on hold for 6 years

[fantasist 2]

ZuZayetsPogodi--thank you for the comments. Yes, at the moment I'm thinking he intends this to be a permanent separation and I know I have to find a way to live with that. I can be in communication with some of his family, but of course they don't live in the same state as him, so I'm not sure how much help they can be. I'm just hoping he will contact me so that we can sort things out mutually--even to make sure I get little things back he may not think of. At the moment I don't know how likely this is, and I have no idea if he's dismantling our life together or just wallowing for a while like I am. He really put me in a difficult position here.

Adil & Jeanne--this is something I don't know about; what happens if he cancels the application instead of me? Again, I am in a crappy position with this since all the information came to him and he's refusing to communicate with me, but maybe I have to even try to get a message to him through a family member if something bad happens that I need to avoid, although I can tell you right now, I don't think I'd do another long distance relationship again. Thanks for your help!